"I know it’s hard to accept, Buffy, but what other possibility is there?
She’s gone. It didn’t work. We failed." Giles tried unsuccessfully to convince
his Slayer to face a very possible reality.
"No. It worked. I know it. The spell returned her soul to her."
"Then she’s long gone by now. Either physically, or eternally."
"She’s still alive." Angel spoke softly.
"See, Giles? I knew it."
"How do you know, Angel?"
"Spike is her Sire. And I am his. I would have felt it if one of his childer died. That’s how I knew that Drusilla was gone," he explained.
"Oh."
"Well, since she’s not dead, now all we have to do is find her, and
everything will be fine. Angel can go back to helping people in LA, and
Willow can
be our own souled vampire here in Sunnydale."
"Is that all you care about? Having Willow around to help you?"
"Well, now that she has her soul, everything will go back to normal.
So she’ll be one of the Scoobies again, only better, ‘cause she can fight,
too.
What else is there to worry about?"
"You don’t know how wrong you are, Buffy. The soul you gave her remembers
everything she’s done. Both in life, and as a demon. And the demon’s
still there, fighting to get free. It doesn’t leave and let the soul
take over. It sits there, inside, tempting and taunting you to give in,
just of a
moment. But you can’t give in, because you know that as soon as you
do, everyone you love and everything you care for will be destroyed. And
it
hurts. You feel like you’re being torn in two, and there’s no way to
stop it, because it’s inside you. It gets easier with time, but that ache
never
goes away. And deep down, you know you’ll never belong. You’re not
human anymore, but you’re not just a demon either. You know that you’ve
been condemned to an eternity of solitude that will only end when you
are sent to Hell."
"Angel, if what you say is true, and Willow is still alive, in a manner
of speaking, then perhaps you should look for her. You have… common ground,
it
seems. Perhaps she would be more receptive to you."
"I’ll do my best, Rupert."
*****
"Why am I still here, pet? Where else would I be?" Spike sat beside Willow, softly stroking her hair.
"I don’t know…. Off killing the Slayer, or destroying over the world, or something. Being a normal vampire."
"Because I promised you that you could be the one to kill Slutty, destroying
the world is Angelus’ gig, and what does my being here with you have
to do with being a normal vampire?"
"Because I’m not! And… and you should hate me. Why don’t you hate me, Spike?"
"I could never hate you. I hate what they’ve done to you, but I don’t hate you."
"I think you should go."
"What? Why?"
"I don’t want your pity."
"I don’t pity you. I love you too much."
"You can’t. Demons can’t love."
"Yes they can. Most just choose not to."
"Love makes you weak. Like Angel."
"And you?"
"What about me?"
"Are you weak?"
"I wasn’t before. But now… It hurts, Spike. I just want it to stop. And I hate myself for being so weak about it."
"Before… You didn’t love me before you had a soul? I think you’re right.
I should go." Spike stood and walked out the door, his undead heart breaking
when she made no move to stop him. Once Willow could no longer sense
his presence, she allowed the tears she thought had run out to flow again.
"See… I knew you would leave. They all do."