Pairing: Willow/Spike
Spoilers: up to the beginning of season 6
Disclaimer: I humbly borrow, twisting and bending plots to my will
Summary: My alternate version of the very beginning of season 6
authors notes: I know, I know...I already have a bunch of fics out there and in the works and promises of sequels and all that, but I'm feelin all angsty, this just popped into my head and I kinda liked it, so here ya go:)
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~Part: 1~ Best Laid Plans
"Dawnie, got all your books for school?"
"Yes."
"And you got that report we worked on last night?"
"Yes."
"A-and you have your lunch, and…"
"Yes, mom," I roll my eyes. "Willow, I'm fine, and Xander's waiting, so I gotta go, okay?"
"Yeah, okay, I know…just be careful…a-and have fun!"
I turn around to wave good-bye from the driveway, seeing that big, bright smile on her face, and force myself to smile back. I owe her at least that much. Actually, I pretty much owe her everything. I don't know where I would be if it weren't for her. I don't know where any of us would be.
After Buffy jumped and…after, Willow moved into the house. Tara left, which hurt everyone, though, of course, no one more than Willow. I get why she left. I mean, after the whole Glory brain- sucking thing, I get it, but still, I have a really hard time understanding how she could just leave us, just leave Willow like that.
After Glory had hurt Tara, Willow took such good care of her. Said she would forever if necessary, and I knew she would too. That's just the kind of person Willow is. Selfless, loving, loyal. But Tara left just the same. Willow never said anything about it. Tara just came into my room early one morning and said a quiet goodbye. I never saw Willow cry over it. At first I thought maybe after Buffy, she just didn't have any tears left, but now…now I know differently. She is the strong one, the rock we all rest our foundation on, and if she were to break, the rest of us would fall apart.
She's been there for all of us. I can't count the number of nights she sat up late with Xander, listening to him cry and reminisce and insist that it was his fault. One night I even heard Giles down stairs, crying on her shoulder about how loosing Buffy was like loosing his own daughter. I guess I wasn't the only one to loose a part of my family.
The one she has spent the most time consoling is Spike. I'm pretty sure they have no idea that I've heard them talking together late at night. After all, I'm just a kid, and apparently we aren't supposed to notice this stuff. I'm also pretty sure that the others have no idea of their budding friendship. I love them all so much, but honestly, they can be really blind to each other's lives when they are not directly involved.
"Red, you said you were going to stop her from sayin all that stuff." Spike's complaining again about the sexual stuff the Buffy- bot is still saying to him. Really, it's his own fault for having her programmed like that in first place. I mean, you should HEAR what comes out of her mouth. Iwww. But I guess, now, it's gotta be hard to hear her saying that kind of stuff.
"Yeah, well I thought I got it all. Must have missed something in the programming." Willow sounds tired, and even from upstairs I can hear her tinkering with the bot.
"There's nothing wrong with my programming. I'm made to be perfect." It still freaks me out to hear Buffy's voice and to know it isn't her, but I'm getting used to it, I think.
"No, it's not your fault." Man, Willow's even consoling the bot now.
"Yeah, well, just fix her, all right?" Spike is still bitching about the bot and his request comes out as more of a gruff command. I can just picture Willow rolling her eyes at him.
"Yeah, I'll try, along with the million other things I have to do." She sounds really, really tired. "Hold the flashlight right there for me, will you?" There's a short break in talking, and I can hear metal clanking and Willow typing on her keyboard.
"So, how are you doing with everything?" Spikes voice sounds much softer now, and I'm sorta surprised at the kindness in his tone.
"Huh? Um, I'm fine." Her voice sounds surprisingly small and I barely recognize it as Willow's.
"Don't give me that, witch. You're not fine. No way you can be. You've lost your best friend, taken over care'n for her little sis, as if she were your own, your girlfriend's up and left you, and everyone else is using you as a constant shoulder to cry on."
"Are you trying to make me feel as bad as possible?" She sounds angry now, and I'm really wishing I were down there to actually be watching this instead of just listening to it.
"No, I'm trying to make you talk to me, tell me how you're really feeling."
"Spike, I'm fine." Come on. I mean, honestly. That's not convincing anybody.
"Red, it's just you and me. No chubs, no watcher, no lil bit. No one to be strong with. You don't have to be all good and fine here. You can be hurting and you can be a little weak here, and it's alright, you know?"
"No, Spike, it isn't!" Wow. The outburst startles even me. "It isn't alright for me to be weak here, because tomorrow morning, when the sun comes back up, I have to be the strong one again. I have to be the one in charge, the one leading things and getting things done, and if I let my defenses down now, I don't think I'll be able to get them back up in the morning. And I have to. I have to be the strong one, the dependable one. I HAVE to do it!"
Wow. I mean…wow. I can't believe what she's saying. And suddenly, I'm realizing, she's right. She is the only one keeping us all from falling apart, and at the same time, no one is helping her. I immediately feel sick with guilt.
"Red…"
"No. Enough Spike. Why don't you just go home?" I wait for the inevitable slam of the front door. I wait and wait, but it doesn't come. I hear nothing, but silence, and it's deafening to me. For the love of god, someone say SOMETHING!
"Red, you can't keep going on like this." Yeah no kidding, Mr. Big Bad Master of the Obvious.
"Spike, please, just let it go." She sounds quiet and tired again and I feel my eyes begin to water at the thought that we did this to her. "Just help me with the bot, or leave. I don't have time for this."
I hear Spike let out a deep sigh in frustration, and I hold my breath, waiting to see what he will do. Suddenly, I hear Willow begin to protest as there is a loud clunk, and I can only assume that Spike has taken her laptop from her and set it down somewhere else.
"Come on, witch," he says, gruffly. Wait! Where are they going? I wanted to hear where this was leading. Don't leave! I hear footsteps making their way toward the back of the house, through the kitchen, and imagine that Spike has Willow by the arm and is dragging her along. I hear the back door open and shut. Damn! They're gone. Oh, wait! I run quickly across the hall to the bathroom, throw down the toilet seat and stand up on it, looking out the window. Yes! I can see them, and Spike is indeed dragging Willow by the hand, out of the house and through the back yard. He stops at the large swing and sits down, dragging her down next to him, letting go of her hand long enough to reach into his coat pocket and pull out a cigarette. Oh! This is so much better. I can see everything now.
He lights his cigarette, closing his eyes for just a moment, and Willow leans forward, about to bolt from the swing. Without even opening his eyes, he reached out, his arm stretching over her chest, stopping her.
"Don't even think about it, Red," he says, cigarette between his lips, before taking another drag and then opening his eyes, looking right at her. She is glaring at him in anger and I'm glad I'm not in his place, though I know if anyone can handle the wrath of Willow, its Spike. "You are going to sit here and talk to me." He says in a tone that I wouldn't dare disobey.
"Spike….I…I don't have anything to talk about." She sounds meek and tired again and my heart aches for her.
"Oh, yeah?" He sounds as unconvinced as I am. "Tell me `bout you're little witch, then." Huh?
"Huh? What about her?"
"Why'd she leave?" What is he getting at? We all know why Tara left.
"She…the…the whole Glory thing," she says quietly, looking down at her hands.
"That right?" Why else would Tara leave? Now I'm confused, and a little intrigued.
"Why…what…yeah, that's right." She sounds unsure of herself.
"Sure about that?" He has that smug smile on his face that makes me just want to slap him, and I'm wondering how Willow is resisting the urge to do so.
"Spike…"
"Sure it didn't maybe have to do with something else. Maybe it wasn't to do with you and how powerful you are becoming?" Again with the huh? Willow looks down again. What is he talking about? "I mean, if I'm wrong, by all means, tell me. But I'm thinking maybe, just maybe, the little witch couldn't handle how strong you were becoming." Still Willow says nothing.
Finally, after a long silence, she looks up at him and nods slightly. "She…she said she didn't really know me anymore a-and that with all the changes, I wasn't the same person anymore." She sounds broken, and nothing like the Willow I've come to know, and I feel my heart break for her all over again. "She…she wanted me to cut back on the magic, but I wouldn't, and…she said some other stuff, questioning my…dedication to our relationship mostly, and…and then she left." Her voice is shaking and I'm standing on the toilet, looking out the window with a big old look of shock on my face. I can't believe it!
"Pet, I'm sorry," Spike says softly, and I see him put a comforting arm around her. She leans slightly toward him, looking down at her hands in her lap.
"I…I guess I just wasn't enough to stick around for. I mean…maybe I could have done more, or…." No way! There was no way she could possibly have given another inch!
"Red, it isn't your fault. Sometimes the people in our lives, they get jealous and they get scared and they run away. They aren't strong…not like us." He smiles down at her and I see her give him a slight smile back, tears running down her face. "You are good, and strong…so strong. And brave, and powerful, and…and if she couldn't see that, then she doesn't deserve you."
"But…she was my everything," I hear her sob, tears now running down my own cheeks as well.
"Willow…to everyone else…to Dawn, and Xander, and Giles…and me….you're our everything. You're the bloody center in our world. Don't you know that?" She looks up at him in disbelief and sees the truth in his face, breaking down into shaking sobs. He hesitantly puts his arms around her, looking entirely uncomfortable in the unaccustomed position and she leans into him, sobbing into his chest. He rubs her back and strokes her hair, and is murmuring quietly to her, words I can't make out.
I watch the pair for a long time, until eventually Willow falls asleep in his arms, and he just sits, holding her, slowly rocking the swing back and forth, smoking and thinking, about what, I don't know. Finally, I move to go back to my room and I try to muffle a squeal as I slip and fall, trying to get down from my perch, grateful to know someone is there to hold Willow up and keep her from falling.
~Part: 2~ Of Solace and Secrets
They think I haven't noticed. They think I don't have a clue. They think I'm just a kid, and kids are not supposed to be aware of these things. But I see it. I think I'm the only one in the whole group who sees it. In fact, truth is, I'm pretty sure THEY don't even realize it yet. I mean, not the whole friendship thing. I think they get that. But the other thing. The more ooiey-gooey, smoochie kissy thing. Pretty sure they haven't realized that's there too, yet. At least, I haven't seen them kiss or anything, and I haven't heard them talk like that, but it's in their eyes, and the way they look at each other. This goes beyond the simple comfort they were providing before. This goes way beyond that, but for all their grown-up smarts and all…they don't have a clue.
"Dawn, why don't you go up to the loft and grab a few of the blue potion bottles. Just three of four. The shelf is looking kind of bare." Anya smiles at me and I let out an exasperated sigh, more for show than anything else, and heave myself up and head to the loft. It's been unusually slow in the shop today, and the truth is, I'm happy to have anything at all to do besides my math homework.
"And don't touch ANYTHING else up there, got it?" She adds sternly before heading back to the storage room. Just as I reach the top of the ladder, I hear that horribly annoying bell on the front door ring, and turn around to glance at the customer, excited to have something to do. I'm just about to jump down and greet them when I hear familiar voices.
"I don't know, Willow, I still think it sounds really dangerous."
"Yeah, I know, Xander, but I can handle it." Handle what? I'm curious to know what they're talking about, and I know if they see me, they'll change the subject immediately. Perish the thought that innocent, little Dawn should know about anything that's going on. I back up slowly into the shadows, ducking down behind a trunk and peeking over just slightly, listening to them talk.
"I'm not doubting your magical expertise, Willow. But Anya and I, we won't really be much help, and without Tara…"
"We don't need Tara." Wow, harsh tone. After that her voice softens and wavers just a little. "I…I can do this, Xander. I can, and I'm going to. We're going to."
"Willow, I'm just worried, is all. If anything happened…if I ever lost you too…" He trails off, his voice breaking with emotion. What in the world is this spell that Willow wants to do?
"Xander, I know, and you won't loose me," she tells him, pulling him into a hug. "I would never do this if I wasn't absolutely sure, but I can't just…" She stops abruptly as the front door flies open and a blurred figure runs in, trailing smoke behind it. Throwing off the blanket, Spike smoothes out his clothes and hair and then looks up at them, shrugging as if nothing is out of the ordinary.
"What?" He gives them that innocent look of his. God, it's enough to make me melt. I mean…you know, if I were interested in him that way, which I am sooo not. Really.
"Feelin the need for a daytime stroll?" Xander asks him.
"Yeah, well, had to get out of the crypt and needed to get a few things," he answers, before looking toward Willow and nodding. "Red," he says quietly and she gives him a small smile back.
"Well, carry on with what ever it was you two were talkin about before I came in. Don't let me stop you. `S like I'm not even here," he says as he starts to walk around, picking up random objects and trying to feign interest in them.
"Ah, yeah, right…we were just talking about…ah…tonight, and how, um…" Xander begins.
"We, uh, actually, we needed to ask you if you could stay with Dawn for a few hours tonight," Willow breaks in. "Anya and Xander have plans and I need to run out for just a little while. Won't be long, I promise." Hey! That's not what they were talking about! What's with all the super secrety stuff? And, hey! I don't need a sitter! I'm fifteen years old!
"Hot date, Red?" Spike gives her a sideways look, trying to act nonchalant about Willow's plans.
"No," she gives a small, almost bitter laugh before continuing. "Nothing like that…just a, uh, study group thing, for a class." Man, she's a terrible liar.
"Yeah, well, no problem. Not like I got many better things to be doin." He shrugs, putting down the glass ball he was holding and looking back up at her. "What time you want me there?"
"Um, just after sunset would be great. Thanks." She looks around nervously, and glances at Xander, who looks equally uncomfortable. Apparently their conversation is over for now. Damn. I really wanted to know what they were talking about. Stupid vampire, coming in and messing up a perfectly good eavesdropping opportunity.
"Hey, well, I'm gonna head into the back and see if I can find Anya," Xander says suddenly, sounding way too cheerful. He takes off, leaving Willow and Spike standing alone in the shop. Well, now, maybe this won't be a complete waste after all.
"So, uh, how are you doin, Red?" He asks her, his voice low and soft.
"Fine," she answers back with a faint smile. "You?"
"I'm good." Wow, great conversation guys. Real entertaining. Get to the good stuff, already. "So, what is it you're really doing tonight, then?" Ding, ding, ding! Way to go Spike. Dig right in.
"What?" She looks startled by his question and her eyes dart around the shop. "I…I told you, study group thing."
He takes a step closer to her and leans in, talking quietly into her ear, but still loud enough for me to make out what he's saying. "You're a terrible liar, Red." He chuckles and takes a small step back, looking into her eyes, nearly touching her.
"I…I don't know what you're talking about," she mutters, her hands fidgeting in front of her. He reaches out and grabs one of her hand, holding it gently but firmly in his own, waiting patiently for her to look up at him. "I…I…it's none of your business, Spike," she says, trying in vain to pull her hand away.
"Now, now," he says with a smirk. "Be a good girl and tell Spike what you're up to." Her face turns red and she glares at him in anger, yanking her hand out of his grasp.
"I'm not `up to' anything," she says, anger flaring. Stupid Spike, should have known better. Now he's in for it. "What I do with my time is MY business, Spike, not yours. Now, I'm thankful that you're coming over to stay with Dawn, but that doesn't mean I'm going to clear my schedule with you every time I need to go out. Mind your own damn business!"
"Maybe I want to make it my business," he growls at her.
"Maybe it isn't your choice," she shoots back, before turning on her heels and stomping out into the training room in back.
Yep. Serious sexual tension there.
~Part: 3~
"What do you want to play this time?" He looks up at me, expectantly, shuffling the cards.
"Spike, I'm tired, and I don't think I can handle another card game. I'm thinking I'm gonna be heading up to bed." I stand up, yawning for effect and he shoots me a look.
"Come on, bit. Night's still young," he whines.
"Not for me, Spike." I turn and head up the stairs, hearing the television come on. A few minutes later I hear the front door open and shut, and murmured voices. Knowing Willow's come home, I head to the top of the stairs and sit, trying to listen in.
"Spike," Willow greets him, sounding tired. Come to think of it, Willow always sounds tired these days.
"Witch," he responds, with what I'm guessing is a nod of his head.
"Dawn gone to bed?"
"Just a few minutes ago. Get whatever it was you had to do tonight done?" Note to Spike, subtlety not your strong point. There is no response, and so I'm assuming she's shaken her head yes, or no…well one of those.
"Still not going to fill me in on what you're doing?" Again his question is met with silence, though this time I'm imaging she's standing there glaring at him. "Fine!" His harsh yell startles me and I jump a little. "You know, I really don't appreciate this."
"Appreciate what?" She sounds annoyed at his outburst. Business as usual.
"This! All of this! You know, I work and fight side by side with the rest of you, and you still refuse to let me into your damned little group. Not that I want to be an official slayerette or anything…" Awww…maybe we should do some kind of initiation or something for him. We could have a little hazing…Xander would love that, maybe a pledge or something, and Oh! We could all wear slayer badges with a little stake or something, and…oh! Crap he's talking again…
"I mean, all I'm askin for is a little trust, a little show that you're with me, you know? But no, apparently that's askin too much. Spike here can be your little lap dog, come running when you need him, but can't let him in on any of the really important stuff… less it's to fight some big bad and take a few lumps for the team, right Red?" Wow. I had no idea he felt that way.
"Spike…I…I don't know what to say." Apparently Willow had no idea either. "I…we…I didn't mean to leave you out. I just…there are just some things I don't think you would understand, and…"
"Try me. Might be surprised." I hold my breath, waiting for her response.
"I…it's complicated, Spike, and I don't know that you would really understand where…"
"Said that already, Red. Try actually explaining it to me. Take your time, sound out the big words if you must…" Again, I'm picturing the annoyed redhead glaring at him.
"Well, ok, I know I shouldn't do this…I wasn't going to, but…well, I found this spell, and…and I think it might really work and we could…" She stops and I wonder why. I hear a few noises and some paper rustling and figure she must be showing him the spell. Damn. Don't show him! Explain it, in detail. Loudly.
"Red, if this is what I think it is…"
"Spike, it's not like any of the other ones. It's specifically for when mystical forces are used, and…I can work this. I know I can, but we only have one chance, in a few weeks, and I'm still not sure I'll be able to get everything I need, but if I can…"
"No!" Wow. Man. Whatever she's talking about, he sounds pretty dead set against it. Why didn't I ever snoop into one of Willow's books and learn how to turn myself into a fly? Then I could be down there and I could see with all of my dozens of fly eyes what they are talking about. Although, maybe with that many eyes, it would be hard to read it. Oh, and if I couldn't turn myself back, like Amy, and…oh crap. Talking again.
"There is no way in hell you are working that Spell, Red."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. You. Are. Not. Working. That. Spell. End of story."
"Uh, no I don't think it is! See, this is why I didn't want to tell you. Same thing with Giles, I knew you'd get all preachy about it, but Spike, I can do this. I am going to do this."
"You didn't tell Giles?" He sounds shocked. I gotta admit, I'm a little shocked myself.
"No, and you are not going to tell him either. No need to. He'll know afterwards, when…" When what? When what!!!
"Willow…this spell, it isn't only dangerous for her…it's dangerous for you. This is serious black magic we're talkin about here. This isn't floating a pencil or doing some little fluffy locator spell. This is serious, dark mojo, and you don't want to go there."
"Hello! Serious witch here, remember? I mean, it isn't like I'm still doing "have my will done goes kablooey" spells anymore, Spike. Remember when I took on Glory? I can do some serious damage now…"
"Yeah, and you could do serious damage to yourself as well, pet. Invoking magic like this, inviting it into yourself, it will change you, be sure. This isn't just working a spell, Red. This is way beyond that." What the hell is it that she wants to do? I'm dieing to run down there and rip that book away and see for myself. The curiousity is killing me! "This is why your little witch left, isn't it? She knew what you were up to, and was against it. That's it, isn't it?"
There's silence for a few moments, and I wonder if it's possible…if Tara left because she was afraid of some spell Willow wanted to do.
"Look, Spike I've thought this through, over and over, ok? And I'm doing this, whether you like it or not. I'm not asking for your help and I'm not asking for your permission."
"I'll tell Giles." He sounds like a little kid using his tattle-tale defense now.
"No! Spike, you can't!"
"Oh, no? Watch me. I'll head over to the watcher's right now."
"You don't want to do that, Spike. I'll stop you if I have to." I'm shocked by the low, lethal tone in her voice and it makes me shudder slightly. The next time she speaks, her voice sounds softer and more like Willow. "Look, Spike, don't tell Giles, a-and I'll think about what you said. I still don't even know if I can get all the ingredients anyway, okay?"
He doesn't say anything else, and I'm assuming he must have nodded, because she isn't saying anything more either. A few seconds later, I see them both walk to the door, and I jump up and back behind the wall, peaking around the side.
"I'm serious, Red, this isn't something you want to be messing with. Trust me."
"Yeah, ok, I'll think about that." At that, he stomps out and she slams the door, locking it. I make a bee line for my room as she comes up the stairs and goes into her bedroom. I can hear her rummaging around in her magic chest, and I have an uneasy feeling about whatever spell it was they were talking about. I've GOT to get my hands on that book.
~Part: 4~
It's been almost a week and I'm still trying to figure out what spell it is that Willow is trying to do, and why everyone is so dead set against it. Of course, it would help if they would just fill me in, but I'm not holding my breath on that.
I've gone through all the books at the house, except for a small group in Willow's room. That's the next bunch I'm heading for now. Figure it's gotta be in there…all earmarked with a big blinking sign that says "not for Dawn's eyes", or something like that. I feel kinda bad going through Willow's personal stuff like this, but then again, it's not like I'm raiding her underwear drawer or reading her diary. Oh! I bet I would definitely find something in there about the spell! Plus, maybe a thing or two about Spike, but…oh…that would be wrong. Damn my morals. Sometimes I think that having no conscious would really come in handy.
I tiptoe into Willow's room and push the door, leaving it just slightly open. I don't know why I'm being so careful. No one's home. Willow's at an evening class and won't be home for at least another hour or so, but still…something about being all stealthy and quiet…makes the whole process much more interesting and important- feeling. This way feels much more official and necessary…like I'm working for the CIA on a sting operation…or something like that, and much less like the actual sneaking around my friends room, searching out her secrets that I'm actually doing.
I go quickly to the little shelf of books. I know that if it's in here, this is where it will be. This is where the book came from that I found the resurrection spell for Mom in. I've been told time and again to keep my hands off of these particular books, so that's exactly where I'm heading.
After flipping through a couple of books I come across one with a marker in it and open right to that page. Latin. Damn it! Why do they have to teach us something as useless as French in school when we could be learning something much more necessary like Latin?
Jumping up, I quickly grab the English-Latin dictionary from Willow's desk and plop back down on the floor, flipping through the book, trying to at least get the first few lines
Looking down at the words I've just written, I read them to myself. "Resurrect the dead." "Killed by mystical forces." "Urn of Osiris?" Huh? "One who has died from an unnatural death may be restored."
I sit back, trying to figure out what this means and suddenly jump. Oh my god! Buffy! She's going to bring Buffy back! Wait. Can she do that? Tara always talked about how wrong it was to try and change something like death. After the spell with Mom...but, I mean, wow! Buffy! Back! Here…alive…with us!
I hug the book to my chest and start to bounce up and down, squealing excitedly. That's probably why I don't hear the front door open and shut and am only alerted to the people coming up the stairs moments before they reach Willow's room, their voices serving as the only warning.
Realizing that I don't have enough time to get out of the room undetected, I do the only thing an intelligent, honest girl can do…I run into the closet and quickly shut the doors, holding my breath.
"I'm onto you. I know what you're doing. I'm not blind you know. So why don't you just give it up right now!" Oh crap! She knows? She knows I'm in here? Maybe I should just come out now and try the honesty thing…be all moral and…how does she know? Is there some psychic spell I'm not aware of? Because believe me, I've looked, and if I missed something…
"Oh, you're onto me? What exactly is it that I'm doin then?" Oh, okay…Spike. She's onto Spike. Well, that's okay then. No need for any of that honesty stuff then. Morals…ha…highly over-rated.
"You…Mr. I'm a big bad vampire," Willow begins, "still wanting to be all tough with the threats and the fear a-and…but without the bite you gotta find another way to be the alpha. Well guess what? YOU are not the alpha male anymore! I am! I'm the big bad alpha male, got it?"
Peering through the crack between the doors, I can see Spike's face perfectly and try not to laugh as he arches an eyebrow, smirking at Willow.
Willow glares at him and I can see the back of her neck turning red as she realizes what she's just said. "Well…you know what I mean! Not alpha male as in actual alpha MALE, but…you get the idea. A-and anyways…I don't have to do a damn thing you say!"
Wow. Willow's really pissed off. Not that I blame her. I mean, Spike DOES have a tendency to want to run the show. Makes sense that these two would butt heads now and then, especially since both of them are so stubborn. But man is Willow ever mad.
"Red, listen to me. You CAN'T do this!" Okay, well apparently Spike is pretty pissed himself, which is actually a good thing, cause I'm thinking that if he weren't so distracted he would know I was here in a heartbeat…literally…heartbeat…get it? Cause he would hear my heart beating and…oh, crap, their talking again. I really gotta stop doing that!
"I absolutely forbid you from performing this spell!" Uh-oh. That did it. You're in for it now, Spike. Stupid vampire, should have known better. Besides, I'm backing Willow on this. Bringing Buffy back equals smiles and high-fives all around. She has my full support, even if that doesn't really extend beyond the interior of this closet right now. I've got her back.
"You FORBID me? You forbid me!!" Yep, looks like angry witch is about to let stupid, egotistical vampire have it…and good. "You know, I seem to recall us already having a conversation about this and me telling you to go to hell!" Wow. Okay, I was expecting an outburst, but…wow.
"Don't you think for one second that you can tell me what to do, got it? I AM going to do this. I HAVE to do this." At that I hear something in her voice shift and I'm really wishing they would kinda rotate around so that I could see Willow's face. I notice her shoulders slump forward and when she speaks again, her voice is quieter and almost sounds shaky. "I have to bring her back, Spike. I'm the only one that can do it, and…she died for us. She could be in hell, suffering, like Angel did, a-and I'm not going to leave her down there! I can't! I owe her…at least this much." She's crying now. I can tell. Without even seeing her face, I can tell, and I have to say I'm surprised. She's usually so good at holding up that wall, especially around Spike, but now…
"It's my fault," she whispers. What?
"What?" Spike's eyes go wide at the tiny confession.
"It's my fault," she repeats. Yeah, got that part. Why exactly does she think it's her fault? "I…I didn't do enough. I could have done more. I should have tried…I don't know…something else. Something better, stronger. I should have, but I didn't and…and she died because I wasn't strong enough."
Wow. Okay, well there's a heart-wrenching thought. All this time Willow's been thinking that this was her fault? My god! I'm ready to shove the closet door open and come charging out to tell her what I think of that, but I stop myself just in time. Supposed to be all hidden and secretive. Hard to do that with the charging in and the telling her what's what.
"Willow," Spike says softly, taking a step toward her. "It's not you're fault, luv." Willow shakes her head no and tries to yank her hand away as he reaches out and grabs it. "Don't you think that we all blame ourselves too? Every single day I think about it and relive it and figure out a way that I could have saved her. Every day! And Xander, you know how he blames himself, and Giles…"
"But it isn't because of you," Willow sobs. "I was her big gun. She was counting on ME and I couldn't do it." At that the redhead that I love so much breaks down completely and Spike pulls her to the bed, wrapping his arms around her. She cries against his chest for a few minutes and I think he's murmuring something to her, though I can't hear what it is. Finally, he slowly reaches down and gently tilts her head up, forcing her eyes to meet his.
"When are you going to get how great you are?" He whispers, just before leaning in and kissing her softly. Again, I have to remind myself that I'm supposed to be all stealthy and hiding. Squealing and jumping up and down would be highly inappropriate right now.
Watching them as well as I can from my peep-hole, I see Willow wrap her arms tightly around the blond, deepening the kiss. They lean into each other and it's obvious that this kiss is more about solace and need than anything else, and suddenly, for the first time, I feel like I'm intruding. I feel like I'm stealing away this private moment that is clearly so important to them both, and wishing that I had taught myself how to teleport so that I could leave them be.
Leaning back in the darkness, I contemplate what Willow bringing Buffy back would mean. Maybe it isn't as great as I thought it was. The spell looks pretty dangerous. Real dangerous, actually, and the more I think about it…I mean, okay, yeah, I want Buffy back as much as anyone, but not at the risk of losing Willow. This is just one more painful reminder of what we've done…what we've lead her to. She feels that she has to do this…to bring Buffy back. She doesn't understand…it isn't for her to decide and I'd rather know that I at least have her rather than nothing at all.
So maybe it's time…time to let Buffy go and concentrate on helping and healing the people who are still here.
~Part: 5~
The next night I head up to bed, leaving a very tired looking Willow sitting alone in the living room, typing away on her computer. Last night was…well, intense. In the end, Willow agreed with Spike that she wouldn't perform the spell, much to his and MY relief. Yep, I said it. My relief. I just hoped she was telling the truth. I knew how stubborn Willow could be and I knew how smart and cunning she could be as well. I just hoped she wasn't too smart for her own good this time.
They ended up heading down stairs to fix some tea and I finally made my escape…with no one the wiser…at least as far as I know.
Willow went out early today and I crept into her room, not sure of what I was looking for, but finding the one thing I had hoped beyond hope not to find. The book…the book with the spell…was missing. She lied. Dread filled me and I immediately headed out to The Magic Box, confirming my worst fears. There, in the loft, was the book, along with a pile of ingredients and a very old looking urn. Before I had a chance to do anything about it, Spike came strolling in from the basement and headed up to the loft. Guess he was looking for the same thing I was.
Seeing me standing there, looking down at the book and the ingredients, he frowned. Neither of us said a word. Didn't need to. Tonight was the night, and we both knew what Willow had planned. Bending down slowly, Spike lifted up the urn, examining it closely.
"It's the real deal," he mumbled, just before raising it high over his head and slamming it down onto the shop floor with a loud crash. I flinched slightly, not taking my eyes off of the blond vampire. Silently, he picked up the book and headed down the ladder and toward the basement, back to the sewers no doubt.
~*~
Hearing the door open, I go to the top of the stairs and look down, seeing Spike come storming in. Oh boy, show time.
Holding up a book, he glares at her. "Red, what is this?" He demands. Her eyes widen and her face turns red with anger.
"Where did you get that?" She hisses at him and I thank anyone I can think of that I'm up here, watching where I'll go unnoticed, and out of reach of the fury that's about to be unleashed between these two.
"Never mind that just now," he tells her, not backing down slightly. "Tell me what this is."
"You know what it is," she answers, standing up and taking a step toward him. Her voice is steady and deep in the way that I've grown to become slightly weary of.
"Yeah, I do. And just what do you think you were going to do with it?" He steps back, holding the book further out of her reach.
"None of your business," she snarls at him.
"Is that right? Well I'll tell you what, Red. When you start messing with things like this again, I'm making it my business. Now tell me, just what in the bloody hell you were planning on doing with this book!"
She stares at him, her face cold and hard. "I HAVE to bring her back," she says though clenched teeth. I can see the determination and anger in her eyes and again I feel a pang of guilt and sadness in knowing that we brought this on. We did this to her. We put this on her shoulders and now…
"You what?"
"I have to, Spike. You don't understand, I have to. I'm powerful now, and she…she needs me to…she jumped into hell, Spike, we saw her. If I left her down there…she would be suffering for eternity a- and it would be my fault, and…and I have to try…" At that her resolve breaks, and she fell back into a nearby chair, sobbing. I think maybe the worst of it is over. Maybe this is it…this is the push she needed to stop. Then again, maybe I'm dead wrong.
Spike's anger dissolves at seeing her breakdown, and he kneels down in front of her, gently pulling her hands away from her face and holding them in his own. I move down a few steps to get a better view, hoping and assuming I'll go unnoticed.
"Red…we talked about this. Not your fault, remember?"
"I…I could have done more. I can do more. Please, Spike, don't stop me from doing this."
"Red, you don't even know where she is. She might not be in hell. And it isn't your fault. You did EVERYTHING you could and then some. Just like you told me…there was nothing more anyone could have done. Red, luv, you have to let this go."
"I can't," she sobs as he pulls her into his embrace and she crushes her face to his chest. I feel my own resolve slipping and a few tears slide down my cheeks.
"You have to, pet. This is the way it's meant to be. You can't play with things like that. You don't have the right, and you know it. Magic you're talking about now…it's dark and it's wrong, and it will lead you to bad places, and after everything…I won't let that happen. I won't let you destroy yourself. You can't attempt to manipulate life and death without dire consequences, and magic like that…it doesn't come without a price. You try it and you WILL destroy yourself."
"But, Spike…"
"No! Willow, I won't allow you to do it. I need you, here, with me. Do you understand? You do this and everything changes."
"But, I can make things better, and if I can bring her back, then…" she sobs, extracting herself from his arms and looking at him, tears streaming down her face. "Then you could be with her and you would finally be happy and with the one you love."
"What?" He looks at her in surprise and I have to say I'm kinda surprised at her words myself. I mean, any fool can see that Spike is head over heels in love with Willow. But then, Willow isn't any fool…
"After everything you've done, she loved you Spike and she would…a- and you could be happy with the one you love," she repeats quietly, and I wonder how she can not know…how can she not see what we all so clearly see?
"Willow, I AM with the one I love," he says, looking closely at her. Well, duh! She shakes her head, not believing him.
"Spike…."
"No, Willow, I am. I…what I felt for the slayer, it…it was obsession, and maybe love, I don't know anymore, but…it doesn't compare to how I feel about you. Not by a long shot. And so long as I'm with you, I AM happy, Willow."
She shakes her head, still refusing to listen. "Spike, I have to…"
"No! Willow, no." With that, he stands up and walks over to the fireplace, quickly chucked the book inside. The fire blasts upward, causing even me to jump, and he backs away as the book goes up in flames.
"No!!!" She screams and lungs forward, ready to reach in and pull the book out. He grabs her and holds her back as she slumps to the floor, sobbing more desperately, barely able to breath. "No! Spike, that was our only chance, and now…nooooo," she cries as he cradles her tightly in his arms, rocking her and stroking her hair as he watches the book burn.
I watch from my hidden perch and cry…not for my lost sister, surprisingly enough, but for the redhead in the next room, who has become our everything, and whose sobs fill my heart and my soul. I cry for her strength and for her pain, and say a silent prayer to the gods that they give her the strength that she has given us, though I suspect that they have already granted that wish with the blond vampire holding onto her as she finally allows herself to fall apart.
The End