~*~*~

~Chapter One~ Push
 

"Willow. . ."

I glanced up, seeing Giles fidgeting. I didn't need this, didn't need him to ask me for another favor. Not right now, not while I'm dealing with Tara
leaving, and with the *huge* paper I have due for my economics class. . . "What, Giles?" I sighed. I knew that I had a bitchy tone to my voice,
but I didn't care. Not right then. I would save all the guilt and blaming of myself for tomorrow after Economics class.

He bristled, apparently picking up my eagerness to get back to my paper. "Well, never mind. I see that you are busy."

I opened my mouth to ask him what the hell he wanted - cause let's face it, I was short on patience at that point. I had been working on my
paper for three weeks, and every time I would sit down to really work on it, Buffy would sashay in and say 'Bronze' without caring if I couldn't go,
or Giles would need me to find one obscure word in a thousand different books, or Tara was off breaking my heart, telling me that she didn't think
it would work because I wasn't completely in the relationship - and how the hell could I be completely in the relationship when *all* I wanted to
do was finish my stupid paper!?

Goddess, I babble in story telling too. Go figure.

Anyway, I opened my mouth to ask what he needed when Buffy came flying in the apartment, out of breath. "Demon! I saw the demon, Giles! It
was *huge*! We have got to find a way to stop it!" she cried.

Giles turned accusing eyes towards me, then back to Buffy. "It will take me a while, Buffy. I have to do all the research by myself."

My mouth dropped open at the *audacity* Giles had to say that about me! And when I was in the room! Buffy turned, a look of annoyance on her
face. "Come *on*, Wills! We agreed back in May that we'd work together! Don't you remember? Adam? That whole stupid mess? You aren't doing
your part! I slay, you research. . ."

I stood up, grabbing my books. "*I* have a paper due, Buffy. Some of us *do* give a damn about school, you know."

She studied me, tilting her head in that condescending way that only the Slayer can. "If you care so much, why wasn't it done before now?"

"BECAUSE!" I screamed. "Giles *always* wants me to research for him! You *always* want me to go to the Bronze with you! Fucking Tara broke
*up* with me! Did anyone *stop* to ask how that made me feel? No, of course not! Let's not cater to Willow's feelings because god forbid, she'll
take it hard like she did with Oz! Fucking Xander is the *only* one of all of you that doesn't make demands on me all the time, and that's only
because he's stuck so far up Anya's ass that if we see him without her, then we wonder what the hell is wrong!" I turned suddenly, seeing Xander
staring at me with a shocked look on his face. Anya was patting his shoulder. "Sorry, Xander, that was way harsh, but. . .well, it's the truth. I
don't see you enough anymore for you to piss me off."

He frowned and looked away. I couldn't tell if he was upset because of what I had said or because I was right. I decided to deal with that problem
later. Xander and I would be fine, we always were. I turned back to Buffy. "So don't you *dare* tell me I don't do a damn thing for you, because
that's all I've been doing since the tenth *fucking* grade! Five years, Buffy! I' ve given you five years! And you are going to tell me that I'm not
being a damn team player!? Well, fuck you. If don't think I'm on your team, I will *show* you what it's like to not be on your team." I finished
gathering my things and stormed out of Giles' apartment.

I stormed through Sunnydale, finding myself wishing Spike was still around. He left after the Adam mess, just up and left. No goodbye, no
anything. Of course, I didn't expect anything from him. I never did. I tried to be nice to him, so *maybe* he wouldn't be so bitter about being
stuck with us, but of course, that blew up in my face too. He stabbed us in the back and tried to have us killed. . .but then that was Spike.

And I missed it.

At least with Spike, I knew what he was, what he was capable of. . .what he wanted from me. He wanted me dead. Or perhaps he'd want me by
his side for eternity, but I knew that somewhere in there, the shedding of my blood and my death were involved. I missed that. I missed the
stifling blanket of knowing that he'd as soon kill me as look at me hanging over me. It was a real damn shame when you knew your enemies better
than you knew your friends.

And I knew that Buffy was at Giles' apartment now, bitching up a storm, probably calling me every name in the book, and for the first time in a
long time, I didn't give a damn about it. I didn't care.

I angrily pushed my hair out of my face and shifted my books to my other hip, trying to decide what I was going to do now. I didn't want to go
back to the dorm room - Buffy would show up eventually. I knew that I was going to end up at my parents' house, but I knew that she'd come
there to find me. Drag me back to that apartment, to do her bidding. . .I didn't want that. I just wanted to sit down somewhere quiet and finish
my paper. I was so close. . .so very close to finishing. . .

I threw my books down and tilted my head to the sky, letting out the loudest scream that I could. I glanced around, thankful that I was in the
cemetery and not on campus. The last thing I wanted was some security guard running up to me to ask if I was ok or not.

Of course, I guess I would have rather of had to deal with Bob the bored security guard than the four vampires that decided I might be good for
dinner. I warily pulled a stake out of my jeans. "You know, I've been doing this for five years. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you," I said softly.

The leader licked his lips. "Doesn't matter how long you've been doing this, little girl. Tonight will be your last night. We can smell your innocence. .
.I bet you taste as good as you smell."

"Innocence!?" I cried. "Why the hell do *I* have to be the innocent one?"

One of them rushed me, and I staked him before he could even get his hands on me. A second came at me, pushing me down. I cried out in pain,
my stake flying from my hands. The others stood there and watched, waiting to see what would happen. Would I start crying like the little girl
they thought I was? Would I beg for my life? Or would I take my death like a woman, head held high and proud?

Unfortunately for them, none of that would happen. If I was going down, then goddess help me, I was going down with a fight. I bucked my hips,
trying to get him off of me. When that didn't work, I grabbed his arms and dug my fingernails into his arm. He cried out when my nails broke skin. I
could feel his blood underneath my nails, and dripping down my fingers. That only served to fuel my fire even more. I leaned forward, biting his ear.
I swear to goddess, I would have bitten it off if he hadn't of jumped up in surprise.

I scrambled back towards my stake, grabbing it tightly. The circulation actually stopped in my hand, I was holding it so tight. "Come on," I hissed.
"Why are you all standing there looking scared of little ol' me?"

Their gaze was directed behind me. I automatically picked up on the low growling that was coming from *something* behind me. I turned my head,
my mouth dropping open.

It was Spike.

Oh, goddess, it was Spike.

He was in full game face, growling at the vampires. "The bloody chit is *mine*," he hissed. "If you three don't run along now like the good
fledglings you are, I will rip your bloody heads off."

Apparently, Spike had either gotten his reputation back in Sunnydale while he was gone, or they were *so* new, they didn't know about his
embarrassing situation from last year. The three turned tail and ran.

I stood up, barely glancing at him. I brushed my pants off. "Thanks," I said.

He was in front of me in an instant, his hands wrapped around my forearms tight enough to bring tears to my eyes. His chip was gone. It had to
be. He was hurting me, and he was grinning at me like a happy fool. "You aren't neutered anymore."

For some stupid reason, I wasn't scared. It wasn't that I didn't think he'd do anything to me. . .I always figured since I was the nicest one to him,
he 'd come after me first when the chip went away.

"They always said you were the smart one, pet," he said, leaning in to whisper in my ear. It sent a chill down my spine. It had been so long since
I'd been with a man. . .

I pushed him away angrily. "What the hell do you want from me? Good, fine, the Big *Fucking* Bad is back, bloody animal, yadda yadda yadda.
What do *you* want me to do for you?"

"Other than die?" he asked. "Not much of anything." He cocked his head. "Are you ok?"

"Not fucking really." I turned around and scooped my books up in my arms. I started walking towards my parents' house.

With a few quick strides, he was beside me, falling into step with me. "Pet, what's the matter? Aren't you happy to see your Spike?"

I stopped, looking at him. "Look, you have your stupid chip gone. Either kill me and get it over with, or leave me the fuck alone. I have a damn
paper due, which *no* one seems to care about, and I need to get it done."

He stared at me for a full minute. "You are serious. You aren't bloody scared of me or anything. Pet, I can drain you right now, and you couldn't do
a thing to stop me."

"I realize this, Spike. I'm the smart one, remember? I just don't give a damn right now! I've got other things on my mind than worrying about if you
are going to take out some damn hostilities on me or not." I started walking again.

"Gonna run home and tell the Slayer?" he taunted.

"No, not particularly. I'll let her find out herself that you are back. You can't keep it a secret, so why bother warning her? She'll either kick your
ass, or you will kick hers. Who the hell cares?" I was tired of this conversation. I wanted to get home and work on my paper, or. . .I studied him
for the first time in a long time. He was still lean and muscular, as he always was. Same black jeans, black tee shirt, red over shirt, and trademark
duster. Apparently, Spike didn't know what a wardrobe change was. Not that I minded necessarily. . .he looked really nice in that outfit. Tight
enough to show off his body. . .I shook my head. The last thing I needed to be doing was thinking of impaling myself on him, imagining how he
would feel sheathed inside of me. . .taking out all of my aggressions on him. . .

"I have a paper due," I stated again, turning away. I know he said something, but I was too lost in thoughts of ravaging him to even know what
he was talking about.

I was surprised when he let me walk away.

*~*~*~*

"So," Buffy said icily, sitting at the table with me. Riley followed, sitting his tray down beside hers. "Did you get your paper done?"

"Finally, about four this morning," I yawned. I was tired, I had almost fallen asleep in two of my classes! Thank goddess I only had one more to go
after lunch.

"Well, I'm happy for you. We *finally* figured out the demon, no thanks to you."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm really happy for you, Buffy." I looked up, shocked at the rage in her hazel eyes. Though, after everything that happened the
night before, I guess I shouldn't have been. "Did you go do the Slayage thing yet?"

"No, we are taking him down tonight," she replied.

I knew she was going to ask me for my help, and I knew, being the friend that I was, that I would. After all, my paper was done. I didn't have
anything else to do. And I *did* enjoy helping her, just not when she wouldn't let me do what I needed to do in *my* life.

"And we don't need your help," she finished haughtily.

"Well, how convenient for you, Buffy," I sneered. I stood up and grabbed my tray and my book bag. "I didn't really want to help you." I turned and
stalked off.

*~*~*~*

I found myself sitting on my back porch that night, sighing as the breeze flittered through the trees. I was still angry, so damn angry, with no way
to get rid of the frustration. I knew Buffy was fighting her demon now, probably kicking his ass like usual. I wasn't worried about her. She could
hold her own. She didn't need me. Not with Slaying.

I wiped away a few stubborn tears. I wasn't going to cry. This wasn't worth crying over. With a sigh, I tilted my head up to watch the moon crawl
across the sky. It was a low moon, full and orange. I would have enjoyed watching it if I wasn't so damn angry.

Xander called earlier. That was nice. He called to tell me that no matter what happened, or how much Buffy and I fought, he would always be my
best friend. But I knew that he wouldn't step away from her for me, and I wasn't going to ask him to. I had dug this hole myself, and had to deal
with the consequences.

That was how I ended up sitting on my parents' porch alone, watching the moon.

I could have gotten killed, I knew full well what lurked in the shadows. I didn't care. It didn't matter at that moment. I just. . .didn't care.

I clenched my fists, rage filling me slowly, like a pot bowling over. I wanted to hit something. Anything. I want to pound at a nice hard body,
someone who could take it. I didn't really want to *hurt* anyone, I just wanted. . .I wanted. . .

And then he was standing in front of me, watching me with those ice blue eyes.

I wanted Spike.

With a roar, I jumped up and slammed into him, knocking him down the stairs of the porch. We landed in a heap on the ground, legs and arms
tangled. I sat up quickly, pushing him back down. I slung my leg over his waist so I was straddling him. I started hitting him, over and over, in the
chest. I was crying and screaming and trying to beat the hell out of someone who was just lying on the ground and taking it.

He was staring at me in shock, his big blue eyes wide. He wasn't angry, the demon wasn't bleeding through, he was just shocked. I guess even
the Big Bad didn't think I had it in me.

"I wanna push you around!" I screamed. "I wanna push you down!" I grabbed his shoulders and shook him as hard as I could. "I want to fucking
take you for granted!"

He grabbed my wrists and squeezed. "Bloody hell, pet, what's gotten into you?"

"I. . .I. . ." Tears were streaming down my face, and I was so damn angry. The look on his face wasn't helping either. It wasn't what I expected,
that smugness he carried around with him. It was a look of actual concern. But I didn't understand that. Why would he care? Why would he
honestly care and want to know what was wrong with me? "I want to hurt you, like they hurt me."

"Pet. . ."

"I want to beat the fuck out of you," I hissed. "I want to push you down and tie you up and ride you till I can't sit up anymore, and then I want to
fall on top of your cool body and fucking ride you some more." I grinded my body into his, not at all surprised to find that my words made him hard.
I leaned down, my hands flat on his chest. "I want to fuck the hell out of you. I want you to lie to me, tell me that I'm the best. I want to take
you up to my room and show you just what I'm capable of. And then I want you out of my house before the sun comes up, because I don't want
you, I just want to use you to relieve all this anger I feel!"

He flipped us, grinding his erection into me. "If that's what you want, pet," he said, his lips brushing against mine.

I pushed against him, and he relented, pulling away. I stood up, brushing myself off. "I don't want you to call me 'pet' or 'Red' or 'luv' or anything. I
don't want you to speak. I don't want to kiss you, I don't even know if I want to look at you. I just want to hurt you." I wiped the tears off my
face. "So don't just stand there, saying nice things to me. I've been cheated, I've been wronged, and you don't fucking know me, I can't change."
I paused in my tirade. "Never fucking mind. You don't understand. I just won't do anything at all."

"My body is yours to use, pe. . .Willow," he said, remembering that I didn't want to be called 'pet.'

I grabbed his wrist. "Well, come on then," I hissed. I pulled him to the house, barely muttering "Spike, you can come in," before walking through
the door. There was no talking as we walked upstairs. I turned around, his eyes going wide. I know he must have been shocked by the look of
rage on my face. I pushed him against the wall as hard as I could.

"I don't care who you are, that you are a Master Vampire, or that you could break me in two as we speak. You are in *my* room, and while you
are in my room, you are just a toy for me to use. Nothing more, nothing less. You are here for *my* pleasure, not yours. Whatever I want to do
to you, I will do. Got it?"

"Yea," he responded.

Looking back, I was actually surprised that he agreed. But then I knew he was hard, and somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew that he'd get
off on this. Only a vampire - only Spike - could get off on a weak little human girl pushing him around.

I tugged his duster off, throwing it to the side. He slid out of the red shirt, and started for the tee shirt. I opted for the more violent route, ripping
it off of his body. I didn't care. I just needed him beneath me. I unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, yanking them off his body.

I took a moment to gaze at his alabaster skin, noting that his cock was thick. . .much thicker than I remember Oz's being. Being with him was
bound to hurt, but I didn't mind. I would welcome the pain his release would bring. "Get on the bed," I hissed.

He obediently followed my orders, stretching out on my bed. The same bed I had spent many nights in, planning out my perfect life, praying for
that perfect guy, studying to make the perfect grades. And now I was going to completely fuck a Master Vampire on that very bed. Somehow, the
thought excited me. I pulled off my clothes quickly, eager to feel him inside of me.

I crawled on the bed and settled above him, my hands on his chest. He gazed up at me, a faint look of *respect* in his eyes. I was momentarily
shocked. I'd never seen Spike look at *anyone* with respect, and now, he was looking at *me* like that.

All because I wanted to fuck the hell out of him.

That excited me even more. I wanted to give him something to respect.

I positioned myself, finally lowering myself on his thick cock. I crossed my eyes, trying to gather my bearings. I thought when I lost my virginity to
Wolf boy that it hurt, but this. . .this was more pain than I had anticipated. I briefly wondered if he *knew* how impossibly tight I was, if he was
sitting there with his smug grin, thinking I was a virgin. . .

But then could a virgin move like that?

His eyes crossed slightly when I started grinding against him. I was concerned with one thing, and one thing only. Getting rid of my aggressions. I
could have cared less if Spike came or not. This wasn't about him, this was about me. It was about *me* taking control of something, and
following through with it. Not even Spike and his big badass vampire self could take that away from me. Not now, not ever. This was something I
held close to my heart, the idea and feeling of control.

It wasn't long before I was riding him hard, my hands on his chest, my body slamming down on his. I would rise up as much as I could and then
plunge, over and over. He was holding the headboard tightly. I was impressed, I could tell by his tense muscles that he wanted to flip us and
pound into me. Probably shag me unconscious, if I knew Spike.

He knew this was important to me. Thank goddess, he didn't mess up my feeling of control. And I knew that it was me, that I had all the control
here.

I could feel my orgasm. . .it was threatening to sweep me away. I never realized such a violent coupling could turn me on so much. I reached
between our bodies, quickly finding my clit. I twisted it roughly, crying out as I slammed into my orgasm. I collapsed on top of him, finally feeling
the anger leave my body.

He wrapped his arms around me, massaging my shoulders. I knew that he was still inside of me, still hard, wanting release himself, but he didn't
seem concerned with that. He rolled us over and pulled out of me. I looked up at him sleepily, my mind grasping the fact that he was a cold
blooded murderer and could kill me so easily. . .it would have been so easy for him to do that. . .

He kissed his fingers, then put them against my lips. "You need your rest, Willow," he said softly. "You've had a long couple of days." He stood up,
still rock hard.

I started to slip into the welcome arms of sleep, hearing him in the background. He was jacking off, taking care of his own orgasm. At that point, I
didn't care. I was too content, wrapped in the safety and warmth of my familiar blankets.

My breathing was even, I was on the edge of sleep when I heard him whisper, "This ain't over, Willow, no, not here, not while I still need you
around. You don't owe me. . .but we might change." There was a soft sigh. "Yea, Willow, we just might feel good."

And Spike was gone.

My world faded to black as I fell into the arms of sleep.
 

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