Author: Jinni
Email: druscilla@cox.net
Rated: PG13
Pairing: W/Spike
Spoilers: Current season of BtVS up to “Wrecked”.
Author’s Note: Title taken from Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me” and the line "This is how you remind me of what I really am". Just a short little fic that wouldn't leave my head until I wrote it to explain away all the evils of the whole B/S relationship plotline - EW!!!
Feedback: Feedback - how do I love it? Let me count the ways. --- Well, maybe not count. How about I just ask - feedback please? If you like it - let me know. Makes me write more like it!!!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Go away!” Spike roared when the first knock came on the door of his crypt. He glared in the direction of the noise, hoping whatever idiot was disturbing him would take the hint and just leave.
“No.”
The vampire jumped out of his chair, narrowly avoiding the sunlight that poured in from the open doorway. He blinked into the light, recognizing the voice. “Whaddya want, Witch?”
Willow arched an eyebrow at his tone and shut the door behind her. “That’s no way to talk to a guest.”
“That’s because you’re unwanted here. I don’t feel like socializing with any of you do-gooders right now. So if you don’t mind – leave.”
She shook her head. “Can’t do that, I’m afraid. I need your help.”
For the first time Spike noticed the bag she was carrying. It was the
same one she usually brought along with her when she was going to do a
spell. “I’m not helping you with any bloody spells, Red.”
Again her eyebrow went up. “Really? You might want to reserve judgment until you hear what I have to say.”
The bleached blond sighed. “So speak already and get it over with. Passions is on in ten minutes.” He flopped back into his chair, watching her through narrowed eyes.
“You see… I started thinking last night about a lot of things – mostly about Dawn and how she never existed before this whole ‘Glory’ thing.” She stepped further into the room, placing the heavy bag on the floor. “Those monks had to create a lot of ‘history’ in order to make her fit in with all of us. An entire life they made for her.”
“Yeah, yeah, pet, I’ve heard this story before. What’s your point?” Spike growled, his annoyance showing.
Willow gave him a secretive grin. “Don’t you wonder what else they altered?”
“What?” The vampire sat up straighter in his chair, his eyes portraying his new interest in what she was saying. “What are you getting at?”
“I found a spell that will show us how things really are – how they would be if nothing had been changed. For instance –“ She gave him a sly grin. “Would you really love Buffy if the monks hadn’t played with your mind and memories?”
“Would I really love… Hey! I do not love the bloody Slayer!”
“Oh get off it, Blondie.” The witch rolled her eyes, settling into the only other unoccupied chair in the room. “Its so obvious. You moon after her like a little puppy. How is that natural? You’re a vampire – she’s a vampire slayer. Its even more ridiculous than her little stint with Angel – at least he had a soul.” She snorted. “Now imagine this - what if the monks screwed with your memories – made you love Buffy so she’d have one more person around her to help protect Dawn? Hmmm?”
Spike glared at her, unwilling to admit to that which she had so casually laid bare. He knew for a fact that Buffy hadn’t told anyone anything about their little trysts and, despite his threats to her that he *would* tell everyone, he didn’t really want them to know that he’d grown so weak. Finally he licked his lips and spoke again. “Suppose you’re right – they made me care for her. What then? We do your spell and suddenly I don’t want her anymore?”
“Not necessarily.” She smirked. “You’ll be able to see the truth – what you do from there is up to you.” She shrugged. “Somehow I just can’t picture you continuing to fawn over her if you know it was forced on you, though. I mean – the way she treats you just sucks. If its not true love, move on.”
“You may be right, pet. I don’t like things being planned for me.” The more he thought about what she said, the more it made sense. How had he ended up falling in love with the Slayer? ‘It’s just too bloody easy to blame it on those poofy monk gits, though.’ He reasoned.
“Look,” Willow smiled, giving him an innocent smile. She could tell he wasn’t totally convinced of what she was saying. “The spell is simple and if it turns out that you feel that way for her naturally – great. I guess. I mean, maybe you like her treating you like you’re the lowest life form on the planet.” She shrugged, personally believing that both Buffy and Spike could do better, though for different reasons. “If the spell tells you that it was all staged, however…”
The vampire nodded once, agreeing. “All right. But aren’t you forgetting something? You’re not s’posed to be dabbling in the magick anymore. Remember? You almost got the kid killed?”
“That’s why this needs to be between just you and me, Spike.”
~*~*~
Willow sat back, letting her butt hit the dirty floor of the crypt. Her mind whirled under the impact of the information she had just received. She could remember the times in her life *with* Dawn…and also could now remember those events without Dawn. It was difficult to keep the two straight and, for the first time that day, she worried that the spell may not have been the brightest of ideas. She was bound to slip eventually and say something that would incriminate herself. Or Spike would. She glanced across the temporary altar at the blond. He looked just as shocked as she felt. She winced as pain shot through her head, a temporary side effect of the spell.
“You okay?”
‘It was all a sham. None of it was real. I never loved Buffy. I left my Princess to be with the Slayer…Wait a minute….’ He sorted through the duplicate sets of memories in his head, ignoring the questioning look of the red head sitting on the floor with him. ‘I did leave Dru… But I left to be with… Bloody hell.’ He stood up suddenly, almost falling over when the pounding in his head doubled. He could remember everything now. How he had gone captured Willow and Xander and tried to force her to do a spell. How he had gone to South America to try to win Dru back only to leave her again when he realized he had fallen for…
“Spike?” Willow stood up, absently dusting the dirt from her butt. “Are you alright?” She was worried. He hadn’t spoken a single word since the spell had ended. The normally sparkling blue eyes she had admired on more than one occaision were dull and glassy, as though he wasn’t totally in the present. She reached out and touched his arm, her concern growing when he didn’t answer.
~*~*~
Spike cycled back through the memories of years past, searching for the one he was looking for. The right one. The one that confirmed what he could only vaguely remember. If he could hear Willow calling out to him he gave no indication. Finally he centered in on the correct set of memories, letting the scene play out in his mind’s eye.
~*Past*~
“You don’t love me anymore, Spikey.” Drusilla whined, her voice hardly more than a whisper. “You don’t love your Princess anymore.” She began to shake, tears forming in her eyes.
“Don’t be silly, ducks. I love you just fine. Same as always.” The blond vampire stepped forward, taking her into his arms. “What makes you think I don’t?”
“Your mind is consumed with Her. With the fire goddess. You dream of her at night – all soft and human.” She spat the last word at him as though it tasted bad, her face a mask of hatred. “You are going to leave me for her. You’re going to leave your Princess.”
Spike stepped back, giving her a long look. It was true that he had
dreamed of the red haired witch from Sunnydale ever since he had kidnapped
her. ‘And weren’t you planning to try to get back and see her, mate?’ He
asked himself, wincing as Drusilla’s harsh cries of sadness filled the
air. He sighed, pulling away from Drusilla. “I’m sorry, luv.”
“Get away from me.” She growled, her face shifting to show her demon. “I never want to see you again, Spikey. You are tainted by that human. She will make you weak.” The tears continued down her face, her eyes blazing with golden fury.
~*Present*~
”And that was the last time I saw Dru.” Spike mused. “I left her to get myself the witch and what happened? I get captured by those Commandos and then those bloody monks go and screw with my effin brain!”
“Huh?” Willow blinked, wondering if Spike had meant to say those things out loud. “What witch?” Her brow furrowed in confusion. ‘Oh well, at least he’s speaking again, even if it makes no sense.’
The vampire looked at the human next to him in confusion, realizing for the first time that he had spoken his thoughts aloud. “No one, pet. No one.”
"Uh huh.” Willow said, not believe him for one second. “Was it Amy? She’s the only other witch I know. But you never met her… so it has to be someone else.” She moved to one of the chairs, sitting down and resting her head in her hands. “Buffy isn’t a witch so I know you didn’t leave Dru to be with her. I guess I was right then, about the monks screwing with your memories.” He nodded his assent and she grinned. “You might as well tell me what witch you came here to see, I’ll figure it out eventually anyway.”
“YOU!” He roared. “Are you happy now? I left Dru to come back for you! I couldn’t get you out of my bloody mind after I kidnapped you. It was like an obsession. All that passion you had. All that fire. You were too good for the wolf. Too good for the moron.”
Willow stared in open-mouthed shock at the vampire in front of her. He had left Drusilla to come back to Sunnydale just to be with plain old her? “But…Oh goddess. I’m confused.” She held a hand to her head, the throbbing pain that came with the spell not having yet faded. “You came back for me?” Her voice was soft, unbelieving. He had to be teasing her. Somehow he had found out about the dreams she had experienced with regularity ever since that day. The ones where he professed his undying devotion to her in that incredibly accent of his and then kissed her breathless. The ones that she had continued to have even during her relationship with Oz and the one with Tara. He must have read her journal or something – there was no way he was telling her that he had, at one time, made his way back to Sunnydale just to be with her.
“Right, pet. I came back for you. I just got sidetracked is all.” He shrugged. Now that the secret was out there was no reason to be shy about it. ‘Like I have a chance in hell with her. She’s into chits – like that Tara bint.’ He shuddered inwardly, unable to fathom what the pretty red head could possibly seen in the mousy blonde witch.
“And what about now? Now you love Buffy?” Her voice was still soft, still strained. Did he still want her? It wasn’t as if she and Tara stood a chance of getting back together. Only days before she had seen the other girl with someone else, being all too friendly in a more-than-friends sort of way. If he still wanted her it would be like a dream come true – literally. It would fulfill all the fantasies she had longed for over the past years. She didn’t love him and had no illusions that he loved her – but there was attraction. Love, caring, all that could come later if it was meant to be.
“The Slayer?” He shuddered. “Not hardly. Its easier to see all her many faults now that I know it was all a set up. Bloody fools are lucky they’re all dead or I’d wring their necks for that.”
The red head made a decision in that split second after he made his admission. Before he could say another word, she had stood and pressed her lips to his, gently seeking to open his cool mouth to hers. She almost moaned aloud when his lips parted and his tongue sought hers. When finally they parted Willow was softly panting, her eyes glazed.
“Well, Red. I daresay this might make your friends forget that whole Dawn thing.” He pulled her against him, his lips mere inches from hers.
“You know…you may be right.” She laughed, licking her lips. “But we’ll deal with that later – there’s other things we could do right now.”
~*~The End~*~