Pairing: W/S
Rating: ummm maybe R overall
Summary: I’m awful at summaries. Um… Willow needs more than what she’s getting.
Disclaimer: We all know what this is going to say. I don’t own Spike, Willow, or anyone else for that matter. They belong to the wonderful Joss Whedon. I’m not making any money off of this.
Distribution: Anyone who wants it can have it. Just let me know.
Spoilers: Season Five of Buffy. Spike’s chipped and Tara doesn’t exist. I think that’s about it. Did I mention that in my world, Willow’s not gay? With Spike running around, who would be?
Dedication: To everyone who betaed my first fic. You guys were great. Thanks! : )
Feedback: Isn’t this a given? If you actually like this story, feedback will encourage me to write more. And if you hate it, send me feedback anyway so I’ll know not to post any more trash. Please?
A/N: This is my first fanfic ever, so try to be gentle.
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~Part: One~
She was going to go crazy. There was no way around it. She survived the Hellmouth and all it’s glory: vampires, demons, Angelus, and numerous apocalypses; and it was Giles’ rambling that was finally going to do her in.
Biting back a groan, Willow snuck a glance at her fellow Slayerettes and was relieved to find them in the same condition. Buffy was sitting on the floor, her back resting against Giles’ sofa, twirling her stake. From the looks of it she was debating whether or not to plunge it into her own heart. Riley had opted to miss this fun-filled research party and was currently trying to find out what the Initiative knew about the latest Big Bad. Xander and Anya had passed out on the couch hours ago, and Dawn was currently sleeping face down on the book she had never really been reading.
Willow had lasted longer than the rest of them, only stopping when she couldn’t read the words on the screen of her laptop. Giles, however, seemed oblivious to the teenager’s distress, and just kept on talking as if they weren’t there at all.
“…..And then I realized that I was using a rather outdated text, and that I really needed a rather fascinating book written in ancient Gaelic…”
She had no idea how he did it. Researching demons, running the Magic Box, and dealing with a group of hormone driven teenagers…it was a miracle that he could function at all. He was like a father to them, and while she loved him dearly, she had to get of there. Now.
Slamming her laptop shut, Willow stood, and gave Giles the best “resolve face” she could muster this late at night.
“Giles- we’ve been researching all night. Is the world going to end tonight?”
The looks on Buffy’s and Giles’ faces were priceless. If she wasn’t quite so tired, Willow would have been laughing her head off by now. From the flustered look on Giles' face at being interrupted, or the hopeful look on Buffy’s at the idea of freedom…. it was just too much. Or maybe it was just the lack of sleep. Or the stress. Grrr. She had to get out of here.
“Well? Are we talking about another apocalypse here or not?”
“No…no I don’t think so. But, we don’t know this demon’s weaknesses yet, and he could prove to be quite dangerous…”
The world wasn’t ending. That was all they needed to hear. With a speed that would have impressed any master vampire, Willow had packed up her stuff and was headed to the door. Buffy, who had to wake up Dawn, wasn’t far behind her. Buffy even took the time to smack Xander upside the head. There, she’d done her good deed for the week. If he didn’t get out now, it wasn’t on her head.
Xander, who wasn’t quite ready to give up the beauty of sleep for hours of research, just rolled over and tried to resume his nap before the next demon attack.
“Xander you idiot- we’re leaving. Now. It’s every man for himself. If you don’t get out of here…”
While a smack to his head might not have been enough to get him moving, Buffy’s proclamation of freedom was more than enough to get the job done. Grabbing Anya’s hand, they were all out the door before Giles had figured out what was happening. The last thing any of them heard was Giles unwanted reminder to be at the Magic Box at sunset for more research and a tired plea for more Scotch.
Outside of Giles’ House
“Way to go Wills. Who would’ve thought that you’d be the one to get us out of research?”
“Hey! I’m all for research! Really! But… we’ve been in there for hours… and it didn’t seem like the world was coming to an end… and Hey! You fell asleep! If it weren’t for Buffy, you’d be in there with Giles looking up demons!”
“Yes, speaking of sleep Xander, you said we wouldn’t be long. We were supposed to have sex tonight. Now I’m just tired and this pathetic mortal body of mine aches everywhere. I want to go home. Now.”
Watching Xander’s retreating back as he took Anya home, the last thing Buffy and Willow heard was an exasperated “An…what did I tell you about private conversations…”
~~~*~~~
“Willow, I’m headed over to Riley’s. Do you want me to walk you home?”
“I’ll be alright. I’ve got a stake and….”
“Are you sure?? It’s late and you’re tired…”
“Really Buffy, I’ll be fine. Go. Relax. Get some sleep. We’re all going to need it for tomorrow... hey, maybe we should start drinking Scotch. It gets Giles through these meetings…”
“Oh no, no alcohol for us. Do you remember the last time I drank? That’s not an experience I’d like to repeat any time soon…”
Laughing, the two girls headed their separate directions, aching for the comfort of their homes.
Willow’s Walk Home
She couldn’t wait to get home. With Buffy at Riley’s, the dorm just seemed so…empty. Plus, her parents’ house was nearby and they had this huge tub… And, the peace and quiet would be great.
Except when it was quiet, she was left alone with her thoughts. Like now. And lately those thoughts seemed to be centered around a rather annoying, yet sexy bleached blonde vampire.
Typical of him not to show tonight, even though he said he would.
<Did you think he would do it just because he told you he would Rosenburg? Just because you two are….> Well, that was another problem. She didn’t know what they were. Their relationship had gotten really complicated, really fast. They didn’t hate each other. Well, she didn’t hate him, and she didn’t think he hated her, but with Spike it’s hard to tell.
And then one day they were fighting like usual, and the next thing she knew they were making out. Willow Rosenburg. Making out with a master vampire. And then the making out lead to more serious stuff…. and then before she knew it they were sleeping together. And it wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy it, because she did. Come on…Spike is, well Spike. Even Buffy can’t deny that he’s gorgeous.
But once the morning came, she had no idea what was going on. She couldn’t figure him out. One minute he’s actually being decent and almost, well sweet, and the next he’s treating her like she’s Xander. Were they enemies that just had casual sex? Great, mind blowing sex.. But still enemies?
Or were they just friends having sex because they were lonely. She hadn’t been with anyone since Oz, and he hadn’t had a serious relationship since Drusilla. Harmony doesn’t count. She was just.. sex. Ugh.
<What if that’s all I am?> This was making her head hurt more than it already had at Giles. Oh, and then there was the fact that none of her friends knew she was sleeping with their mortal enemy. While Spike may be chipped and helped out on patrols from time to time, he was still a vampire. A harmless vampire maybe, but still a vampire. If they ever found out, they’d kill him on the spot. And lord knows what they’d do to her.
While she enjoyed her….time with Spike, in the morning she just felt empty. She was so confused.
Xander and Anya were happy together, Buffy had Riley, and she had…well she had a vampire that she occasionally had sex with that might hate her guts. And even though it had been fun having no attachments or expectations right after Oz, she couldn’t help but want more now. She couldn’t settle for just sex. That just wasn’t her.
Deciding to save these complicated thoughts for later and settle for nice simple thoughts-like a bubble bath- right now, Willow dropped her stuff and locked the door, only to be pinned to it by a pair of pale, cold hands. Spike. While part of her immediately caught on fire and tingled all over, the rest was just tired. And confused. And really didn’t want to deal with this right now.
No words were exchanged. All of a sudden his lips were brutally attacking hers and she was lost. She should stop him. Ask him where he was tonight. Figure out what the hell was going. She would just wake up confused and alone in the morning. But then his mouth was sucking on the flesh on her neck and she gave up on thinking, and settled for pressing her body closer to his. She should really stop him. Problem was, she never did.
~Part: 2~
Willow was the first one to wake up. And the first thing she noticed was just how sore she was. The second was that she was incredibly cold. Instead of rolling over into the comforting embrace of her lover, she was on the far edge of the bed without any blankets.
It had taken them a long time to actually make it to the bed. And instead of spending the night cuddled up to someone she cared about, she spent it cold, uncomfortable, and alone, while Spike sprawled himself across the bed.
Willow couldn’t seem to shake off the uneasy feeling that settled over her with morning’s light. Sometimes she would wake alone and find Spike long gone. Or, Spike would still be asleep when she woke up, only to creep off without a word as soon as she left the room. Oh, and then there were the times that he didn’t even bother to stay and just left immediately afterwards. That was always great. However, sometimes things were different. Every once in a while she’d see a glimpse at the man inside of him.
Groaning at her train of thought this early in the morning, Willow rolled out of the bed and grabbed her shower supplies. Lord knows she needed a shower. Slowly making her way down the hall, she couldn’t help but wince at the soreness in her muscles. Lately the shower had become her best friend. The water pounded away at her tense muscles and gave her a place to gather her wits before she had to face the world.
Stepping under the spray, she closed her eyes and let the water work its magic. She couldn’t keep doing this anymore. Every time she tried to walk away, she just ended up walking back into his arms. Not this time. She was going to find out what was going on. And if this meant nothing to him, if it really was just cold, empty sex, she would walk away. She had to. For her.
Feeling slightly more refreshed and composed, she headed downstairs to grab some breakfast. No point going into this on an empty stomach. She even heated up a cup of blood for Spike. She didn’t know why she bothered, but she did it every time he stayed over. By now it was just a reflex. Even if he wasn’t around by the time she got done to enjoy it.
She only made it to her foyer before she ran into a fully dressed Spike. Part of her had been hoping that he’d be long gone so she could avoid the coming confrontation. <No time like the present> Handing Spike his breakfast; she steeled herself for what was coming.
Preparing to leave, all he sent her way was a mumbled “Thanks, pet.”
Typical. No loving caresses, no inquisitions into her day, no attempt to be a part of it, no tender looks sent her way. Nothing. Just casualness. That was it. Resolved, Willow grabbed him by the arm, halting his escape. That in itself was strange. There was no casual touching with them. In fact, the only time they really touched at all was when they were having sex.
“Spike-we need to talk.”
Talking. This was new. Generally, nothing good came from a woman starting a conversation with “we need to talk.” With his patented smirk and raised eyebrow firmly planted on his face, he coolly turned her way, waiting for her to continue.
Would it be too much to ask for him to show some sort of emotion? By now she’d even settle for anger. But no, just nothing. She was so tired. Tired of being confused, tired of feeling alone, tired of keeping secrets from her friends…just tired. Unable to keep the exasperation and exhaustion out of her voice, she finally asked the question that had been weighing on her mind ever since this whole ordeal started.
“What’s going on here Spike? Because I can’t keep doing this anymore! You’re like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! Everything is on your time, half the time you never stick around, I can never tell what you’re thinking or feeling, you don’t do the things you say you’re going to do…What are we doing? Are we even friends?”
What is this silly chit going on about? Does she have to analyze everything? Couldn’t she just take this as it was? He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about why he was hanging around a mortal. Having sex with a mortal. Why he didn’t want to rip her throat out. Or why he enjoyed her warmth. Or why he felt alive when she looked at him like he was man, not just some vampire. He was pathetic enough as it is, with this chip in his head. He didn’t need to get attached to some mortal. So, he did the only thing he could do.
“I didn’t exactly come here looking for a friend, pet.”
She couldn’t believe it. This really was just sex. She had been reduced to some vampires play thing. She was just like Harmony.
Oh god. She felt dirty. And used. It was all she could do to keep from vomiting. No. no no no no no no. Those were not tears in her eyes. No way was she going to cry in front of him. No way was she going to let him know that she cared. <Way to go, Rosenburg. Fall for a vampire that sees you as some easy whore.>
She had to get out of there. She had already been used as some sex toy. No way was she going to let him see her cry.
“I can’t do this anymore…I’ve gotta go..I’ll see you later..”
And with that she fled the safety of her own home, and finally let the tears fall unchecked down her face.
~Part: 3~
She never did understand the thrill people got out of running. Especially track. The aching muscles, the icky, sweaty bodies, and loud obnoxious coaches trying to relive their glory days... it just didn't seem worth it. But right now, she understood it perfectly. As long as she kept running, she could beat the demons in her head trying to pull her under.
The loud, constant rhythm of her shoes as they hit the asphalt consumed her senses, preventing all thoughts. She could numb herself to the world, and more importantly, her own emotions. So as long as she kept running, she wouldn't fall to pieces. All she had to do was keep running.
Unfortunately, her body had something else in mind. She could feel herself slowing down, no matter how hard she fought against it. She was running on sheer will now, but that can only take you so far. So she was headed towards the only place she had truly felt safe as a child. The swing sets at the old playground.
She and Xander used to come here all the time as kids. Once the town had a newer playground built, none of the other children wanted to play here anymore. So when the world became too tough, they would run here, to their own personal play land.
While it may not have been as shiny as the new playground, and it didn't have neat seesaws or intricate monkey bars, it was heaven to her. It had all the things a playground needed: swings, a slide, and a sandbox. Even though Xander always insisted that the slide was by far the best thing around, she would always love the swings.
They used to take turns pushing each other, determined to see just how high they could go. While she was in the air, with her eyes closed and her hair whipping out behind her, she could forget that her parents were never around, and that she would always be different from the other kids. She could forget every mean comment Cordelia Chase and her airhead group of friends had made that day. All that existed was the feel of the wind hitting her face, and the rush she felt every time Xander pushed her just a little higher.
Finally, when her body couldn't take anymore, she collapsed on the old, familiar swing. And just as expected, all the things she was trying to escape came rushing back to her. And with them came the tears.
She hated crying, and hardly ever allowed herself to do it. Even when things got rough, she could always find someway to hold herself together. People were depending on her, and there was no way she was going to let them down. So in times of trouble she would steel herself against her own pain, and find a way to help them through theirs. And while she was usually the one offering comfort, deep down, she always assumed they'd be there for her when things really fell apart.
It was her breakdown over Oz that showed her just how wrong she was and how far apart they had drifted. She had stood by Buffy during the whole Angel-phase, even when everyone else was against it. And when Angel was gone and Buffy needed a friend, she was there. And when the Slayer gig overwhelmed Buffy, she was there to help her through it. And when Xander was upset about his parents, or his future, or any of his relationships that never seemed to work out, she was there, offering him the support and comfort he needed.
But when she needed someone to hold her and tell her it would be all right, someone to bring over Ben and Jerry and spend the night talking about the evilness of all men, or just someone to hold her hand and share a comfortable silence with, no one was there.
And that was the beginning of her downfall. While none of her friends may have been there, Spike was always around. He was usually griping, or spending his time making idle threats about all of their demises, but he was still there. And even if it was done inadvertantly, their bickering gave her something else to think about other than Oz and his betrayal. And once, when Spike was feeling particularly talkative, and wasn't completely sober, they sat together and talked about their heartbreaks.
And even though he never said anything, it was obvious to her that he was lonely. He tried to fill the hole Drusilla made when she left with Harmony, and when that didn't work, he was left trying to figure out what to do. His whole unlife was filled with Drusilla and Angelus, and now that they were gone, he was just as lost as she was.
It was never about love, or even affection between them. Just need. He needed someone just as much as she did. Their first kiss wasn't any of the things she thought a first kiss should be. It wasn't sweet or slow or tender or any of the other lies you read in fairy tales. It was rough and demanding. It was pure need.
Having sex with Spike wasn't the biggest mistake she made. Neither was lying to her friends. No, her biggest mistake was caring for him. And while her head was repeatedly saying how wrong this all was, and how very stupid she was for allowing this to go on, that did nothing to stop her heart from caring for him.
She had to stop this. All this thinking and reminiscing about Spike wasn't going to help her stay away from him, which she was determined to do. She wasn't going to think about how great a kisser he was, or how right it felt to be pressed against him, or just how great his hands.... no! She was stopping this right now.
Taking the time to really look at her surroundings for the first time since she left her house, she realized just how late it was. <Goddess! I completely forgot the Scooby meeting...>
After washing her face off at the water fountain, Willow prepared herself to see her friends. She couldn't let them know that she felt like her world was upside down, and they definitely couldn't find out that she had been crying. That would almost certainly be followed by some half-hearted attempt at finding out what was wrong, and if any of them found out about her and Spike having sex, he'd be dust by sunrise.
So with her mask firmly in place, Willow headed towards the Magic Box, prepared to fool her friends and the rest of the world into believing that she was your average, happy college student. And maybe, just maybe, if she got lucky, she'd be able to fool herself along the way.
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