It's the hardest thing i'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing i'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry
I can't let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing i'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you.
-From 98 Degrees' "The Hardest Thing"

***

Spike stared at the television watching yet another old romantic movie. There seemed to be a non-stop supply of them today but he didn't have the energy to change the channel.

"Drink?" Angel asked.

Spike shook his head.

Angel leant over and switched the television off.

Spike scowled at him.

"Mooching about isn't going to bring her back you know."

"And being chirpy is?"

"Spike, Willow wouldn't want you to live the rest of your life like this."

"What if I want to live the rest of my life like this?"

"Then grow up. I have to go over to Giles' I think they could do with some help. Care to join me?"

"Nope."

"Come on then."

"Fuck off you bloody wanker."

"Spike," Angel growled.

Looking up into his sire's game face he gave in. "Fine pull the old sire act on me then soul-boy."

***

Buffy and Willow were walking along the area close to the mansion that Angel had given up in favor of the apartment he now shared with Spike.

"How is everyone?" Willow asked Buffy.

"Coping I guess. They're pretty much back to normality, well at least acting that way. They all miss you Will and Xander is obsessed with making sure you always have fresh flowers next
to the plaque we had put up at the cemetry."

"That's sweet."

"I know, but it's maddening when you're out with him and he has to make sure he buys the nicest ones there."

"I wish I could thank him."

"I think he knows you appreciate it. He says you're always telling him how much you like them-"

Buffy was cut off as they were suddenly surrounded by vampires.

"I guess we found out were she's staying." Willow commented.

They were kept pre-occupied with getting rid of the vampires and just as they seemed to have staked them all, one managed to throw Buffy to the ground forcing her stake into her side
and as it was about to attempt to drain her blood, Willow managed to behead it.

"Oh my god... Buffy, Buffy can you hear me?" Willow asked.

"I'm fine, just got a little cut in my side."

"Little!"

"Shush! I'll be fine, just help me back to Giles' and then he can take me over to the hospital if you're still worried."

"Okay," Willow said grudgingly, and helped her up and they made their way back to Giles' apartment.

***

"GILES!" Willow yelled as she banged on the door.

The door was flung open to reveal a flustered looking Giles. "You shouldn't be- Oh my god Buffy. Bring her in."

Willow dragged in the injured Buffy and carried her over to the couch.

The others looked up as they entered the room.

"Willow?" Xander said.

"We managed to find Morrigan's place only to have her minions attack us." Willow informed Giles. "One of them managed to attempt to stake her with her own stake. I wanted her to go
straight to the hospital but she was determined to come here first."

"I'm fine," Buffy said, "It's only small."

"Buffy we're taking you to the hospital. That wound needs proper help."

"Okay okay," she mumbled.

"Willow?" Spike asked, repeating Xander's words.

Willow looked up, noticing them all for the same time. "I'd better get going," she blurted out.

"No, Willow wait." Spike shouted.

"I'll be in touch," she called to Giles.

Spike spinned around and stared at Giles, "Watcher I want some bloody answer now and no-one is going anywhere until I get them."

"Listen here Spike I have no time for your temper tantrums. Buffy is in a terrible state which means I have to get her to the hospital now and I don't appreciate being threatened by
anyone. Least of all you."

"I guess i'd better get going after her," Spike spat at Giles, "But this is bloody well not over. Not over by a long shot." And with that he ran out of the doorway.

***

"Willow wait!" Spike yelled running after her.

Hearing Spike behind her Willow began to run.

"No please wait, Willow."

He continued to run after her and soon caught up with her. "Willow please," he said grabbing hold of her and pulling her to him.

"Let go," she demanded, her eyes cold.

"Willow i'm sorry I should have saved you, please. I love you."

"Well that's nice but I have things I have to take care of. So if you don't mind I have to get going."

"What is wrong with you? What happened to you? Where's my Willow? I need you. What the hell's gotten into you?"

"Life's a bitch now so am I." She replied bitterly and turned, running back to her parents' house as silent tears fell down her face.

Part 8

And we stare each other down
like victims in the grind
Probing all the weakness
and hurt still left behind and we cry
The tears of pearls.
We do it. Oh we do it.

Is love really the tragedy the way you
might describe?
Or would a thousand lovers
still leave you cold inside?
Make you cry...
These tears of pearls.

-From Savage Garden's "Tears Of Pearls"

***

Spike stood watching her run away and for the first time in years, he wished he'd never been turned. Kicking a nearby bottle with more force than was necessary, it shattered down
the street leaving him in it's path.

***

Buffy sat next to the telephone, watching the clock tick away. Her posture was straight and showed no emotion. Her eyes darted from the clock to the phone every few minutes as she
wished the phone to ring.

"Ya know Buff, I think you're gonna have to wish a little louder cause that phone just ain't hearing you." Xander commented.

"She should have phoned by now," Buffy muttered to no-one in particular.

"I guess that would require a little too much effort. I mean, she didn't even bother to ring to say she was back, did she?" Spike said bitterly. "Oh but then you knew, didn't you? And the
Watcher? And *you* couldn't be bothered to tell me. So how can you expect others to tell you stuff if you won't tell people your own dirty little secrets."

"Spike you know nothing about the situation. And yes I did know, but I wouldn't have found out if I hadn't caught her at Giles'. How do you think that made me feel? But she made us
promise Spike and whatever her reasons for it, i'm her friend and it was my duty to keep that secret."

"Gee, I guess that's great for you." He replied sarcastically.

"Maybe it is, but you know what, I did try and get her to speak to you, you know?"

"You... you did?"

"Uh-huh. And you wanna know why she didn't? Because she didn't want to hurt you. She may only be here for another day or so, and she didn't want to put you through the termoil of
having to cope with her leaving all over again."

"At least it would have been better than never getting to say goodbye."

"I'm sorry Spike," Buffy said, her voice softening. "Maybe you could try talking to her again. You know, maybe send her an email or a letter. I know she wants to see you but she's
hurting."

"I'll think about it," he replied hoarsely.

***

Willow sat by the phone messing idly with a pillow, glancing every now and again at the phone. Nervously she picked up the phone, started to dial a number, stopped and put the
phone back in it's cradle. Letting out a sigh she picked up the phone again and dialled the number. Her heart beating furiously she listened to the ringing of the phone.

"Will?" Buffy asked.

"...H-Hi Buffy," she replied.

"What took you so long? I-I was getting worried," she said laughing nervously.

"I had some things to do," she answered, "How are you?"

"The doctor said I was luckily, the cut wasn't too deep and I managed to get a good night's sleep last night."

"Good. So..."

"Wanna come over and prepare to attack this demon?"

"Well... I..."

"Spike would love to see you."

"I, I don't think so."

"Come on."

"Buffy I don't think i'm ready."

"Why not? How long you got left?"

"I've got until I defeat the demon."

"Exactly."

"I still don't know."

"Well come over and if you're not ready we'll go straight away."

"Ok," she said breathing out a sigh of relief. "I'll come now, bye"

"Bye."

***

Willow stood outside Giles' apartment door as if by staying there long enough, she would gain the confidence to knock. Breathing in tightly she knocked loudly at the door.

The door swung open suddenly revealing an anxious Xander. "Will!" He greeted her warmly and pulled her into a hug.

"Xander, how you doing?" She asked, hugging him back.

"Better now you're here. How long you staying?"

"Not long, i'll have to leave tomorrow if everything goes well."

"Tomorrow..."

"I'll miss you Xander, maybe we could catch up now?"

"Sure come inside."

Willow hesitantly stepped inside seeing the others lying around the living room.

The others chorused their hellos and she smiled back. But her attention was drawn away from them as another presence entered the room.

"Spike," she said looking up at him. "Can we talk?"

Part 9

I play it off but i'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool but i'm fiendin
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near.

-From Macy Gray's "I Try"

***

"Talk?" Spike echoed. "A little late to do the sharing thing, isn't it?"

"I really need to tell you something." Willow replied, choking back her tears.

Spike paused and looked at her before heading towards the kitchen, climbing on top of the work counter he looked at her.

Willow shifted from one foot to the other. "I'm sorry." She whispered.

"Sorry I don't think I heard that."

"I'm sorry," she repeated louder and looked back at him.

"And that's meant to make everything alright is it? Cause it bloody well doesn't."

"What more can I say Spike? Do you want me to get on my hands and knees and beg for your forgiveness? ...Oh but you'd like that, wouldn't you? Always trying to be in control of the
situation and it's biting you up inside that this is my revenge gig. I can't believe I didn't see that."

"That's what you think this is?" He laughed darkly. "Well I guess you fucking well never knew me then, cause you couldn't be further from the truth."

"So come on then, tell me the truth."

"The truth? You can't face the truth. It would put a big damper on *your revenge gig* as you put it."

"How can you be so harsh?"

"Me, harsh. What a bloody joke. You're the one who can't see the fact that I love you. That I don't want to lose you again. That I want to help you fight this thing. You're not the one
who's debated every second of every day about taking your own life on the off chance of being able to see the person you love again. So don't you *dare* call me harsh."

"I love you too and that's why I never wanted you to have to go through all this again. Why I never wanted to see you. When my secret is that I wanted to see you so much that it hurt."

Spike glanced up at her tear wrung face through his own and walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling him towards him. "I'm sorry Red, i'm so sorry."

Willow clung on to him and the knowledge that this might be the last time she would ever find comfort in his arms.

"Will, sun's down and we'd better get going." Buffy called.

"God, I didn't realise it was so late." Willow replied moving out of Spike's embrace.

"I want to come with you," Spike told her.

"You can't," Willow answered solemly.

"I can. I'll help Buffy fight off her minions while you go in for the kill... I need to do this one last thing for you. Please Willow."

"Ok..." she replied before heading back into Giles' living room.

"Ready to party?" Buffy asked.

"Yep and we've got another volunteer," Willow said, clasping hold of Spike's hand.

"Good," Buffy smiled as they headed out of the door to where Willow's destiny now waited.

Part 10

I long for you,
You, whom I destroyed.
I yearn for you.
My heart pressed up against my head.
Shallow-breathing.
The feeling,
Still sends me racing.

I draw a line
A thread across the rolling country
To the crushed city.
Your lightened window to mine.
Right here, right now, this time of day,
As light and stars come into play,
Your head,
In mine.
Your heart.
One line.

-PJ Harvey "One Line"

***

The streets were unusually quiet as they made their way to the demoness' lair as if the night knew what was held in store. Willow absent mindedly played with the velvet bag in her
hand that held the contents for the spell. Her other hand was held in Spike's larger one and in a death grip as if he felt he would lose her at any moment. The crow was flying just
ahead of them, surveying for any danger.

"Will, what's the deal with the crow?" Buffy asked. "It's been here since we went searching for Morrigan."

"The crow's my guide," she replied, looking up at it and smiled as some kind of contact happened between them.

"Guide?"

"Well, the crow's the one who brought me back, sort of. It tells me what's going on and well it's sort of a vessel."

"A vessel?" Spike repeated.

"Like my life vessel."

"So if anything happens to the crow then you feel it?" Buffy asked.

"Yep I guess."

"Nothing's going to happen to it then," Spike replied.

"We're here," Willow said as they approached a mansion close to Angel's old one.

"You ready Will?" Buffy asked.

"No but then when will I ever be?" She asked bitterly.

"Here have some of this," Spike said pulling a small flask out of his pocket.

Willow looked at him strangely and then smiling took it out of his hand. Unscrewing the lid she smelt the bottle and wrinkling up her face she took a large gulp of the substance.

"Whoa," she said after she managed to swallow. "That stuff's good." She took another gulp before handing the bottle back to Spike.
"You know, you two sure look kinda funny."

"Great, that's all we need a drunk Willow," Buffy frowned at Spike.

"I'm not drunk, just high," Willow replied with a loopy smile. "I can't die unless something happens to the crow or I get really mushed up," she wrinkled her face again. "I don't like
mush..."

"Well Red, you won't be mushy," Spike told her pulling her into a hug.

"Love you Spike," came her muffled reply.

"Love you too Red."

"Is this a coupley moment or is anyone allowed to join in?" Buffy asked awkwardly.

"Love you Buffy," Willow said pulling away from Spike and pulling her friend into a hug.

"Love you too Will," Buffy said returning the hug.

"Look after everyone for me," Willow replied, "Especially Giles. He gets lonely you know."

"I will."

"Erm... sorry to wreck the moment but there are a large group of vampires heading straight towards us." Spike informed them.

Smiling grimly at each other they grabbed their weapons and prepared for the attack.

Part 11

He loves to sit and hear me sing,
Then, laughing, sports and plays with me;
Then stretches out my golden wing,
And mocks my loss of liberty.

-From William Blake's "Song"

***

Willow managed to stake the vampires in her path as she entered the mansion, removing the things in her bag. She glanced at the crow who appeared in the room and it reassured
her that no-one was coming but that the demoness knew she was there.

"The mouse is gonna come to the cat," Willow muttered as she cast the circle. In it, she began to perform the spell, the words imprinted in her mind and the silent encouragement of
the crow cheering her on. The room began to grow cold and a silent wind began to rustle the curtains of the room.

Halfway through the spell the crow began to twitch signaling that the demoness was heading straight for the room. Willow began to quicken the reading of the spell as the door at the
end of the room burst open.

"Oh great, another person performing the twaddle that some prat decided to tell everyone, thinking it would get rid of me. You know if I had a victim for everytime someone tried to
perform that well, actually I do. And what nice ornaments their heads made."

Willow ignored her, carrying on with the spell.

"Oh come on honey, do you really think I would be letting you carry on with that if I knew it would destroy me?" The demoness roared. "All I need to do to get rid of you is to do this..."

She moved slightly to the windows and whistled softly. Netting fell from the ceiling and trapped the crow that was perched on a ledge just below it. Morrigan moved over to the netting
and removed the upset crow.

"Did I hurt you hon?" She asked the crow before smirking, "Sorry, I should have done that harder, attached a stone to it or something."

Willow stopped chanting and looked at Morrigan. "Let go," she said calmly.

"No."

"Let it go, it's me you want." Willow added breaking the circle.

"I know and you I have just got," Morrigan laughed. "Stupid little girl, do you never learn." She extended one large blood-red fingernail and snapped open an army knife before
slashing open the crow's stomach.

Willow screamed, clutching her stomach as blood began to seep through.

"The spell, the key, shame you people never realize I was playing you all along." Morrigan let go of the crow that fell to the fall. "Oops."

Willow fell like the bird, crying and still clutching her stomach. "No," she yelled.

Buffy and Spike came crashing into the room as Willow's screams became louder. She tried to move over to the circle, her blood now soaking her clothing completely, and passed out.

"Will," Buffy screamed rushing over to her friend. "Will, wake up!"

Spike followed Buffy and turned Willow over, her cold dead eyes looked up at him. "Red, come on. Stop this!" Spike became hysterical as he tried to wake her up.

"Goodbye Willow," Morrigan laughed as she raised her foot, heel pointed at the crow and let it go, leaving her heel to crash to the ground.

Part 12

All I ever wanted was some love and peace and harmony
I could dance in the raw in the sun underneath the stars
When I walk over to my money tree ain't nobody there trying to take from me
When they ask "are you truely free?" I'd say "yes, truely"
But down here in reality everybody knows there ain't no such thing
And it's clear
It's obviously this is not the place i'm supposed to be
On and on and on i've searched
What i'm lookin for is not here on earth
I can't stand I can't take no more
So I know that I gotta go
So long everybody
Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a heartache and now I am finally free
Don't know where i'm headed
Hope I see you someday soon
So long everybody
I have gone beyond the moon.

-From Macy Gray's "The Letter"

***

Morrigan's heel aimed straight for the crow and just as it was about to meet its aim, the crow was thrown out of the way by Buffy who came running across the room and pushed the
crow out of the way, leaving them both sprawled within inches of the demoness' heel.

"Slayer," Morrigan hissed. "You want to die too? Well I guess it's better late than never. You should have gone down in those flames instead of my father."

"Gee family loyalty at its best," Buffy muttered.

"I like to think so," she replied.

The crow began to move slightly and it stared at Buffy, haunting her with its black eyes.

Buffy stared back, the crow's words filling her mind as it took its last few minutes of life.

"Spike!" Buffy yelled at Spike who was attempting to pull Willow to her feet. "Tell her to do it now." She turned and walked to the demoness and smiled. "I'm sorry but you're going to
have to wait until your next lifetime."

She stared at the demoness who laughed at her. "No Slayer, you're the one who's going to die."

Morrigan stared back at her with her soulless eyes and locked gaze with Buffy who sent a silent prayer to whoever was up there.

"Now,"She screamed.

Morrigan turned on her stare and her eyes began to glow as Buffy's body began to turn to stone.

Willow stumbledly ran at Morrigan, sword in hand as she aimed at the demoness' head. The sword met with flesh and with one swipe the demoness' head met with the ground,
followed by a flash of light, as a group of crows flew through the roof and into the room. They began to squawk and attacked the body as whatever soul the demon had, had screamed
with pain and terror as it was taken by the crows into the light. Willow mindlessly looked at the group of crows and smiled. Victory was hers.

***

Epilogue

***

Spike wept as he held Willow's lifeless body in his arms. Her dead eyes stared back at him and a gentle smile played on her lips. Buffy was standing off to the corner as the stone of
her body faded away. The crow which lay on the floor next to Willow began to move slowly as it awakened. The cuts on its body began to heal and it stood up. It stared at Willow and
then at Spike.

He looked at the crow which then flew onto a perch above him. It looked down at Willow as she began to glow. Her soul drifted out of her body and looked down at it. She smiled sadly
before looking at Spike "I love you," she whispered, "Don't ever forget that."

"Don't go, please don't go," Spike whispered hoarsly back. "I love you, please don't go."

"I'm not going anywhere," She replied. "I'll always be here, waiting for you to join me." She smiled again and then followed the crow into the light.

***

End

***

back