~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

He asked me to dance with him.

{ A penny for your thoughts you say
You want to know what I could be thinking
But as I speak the music starts to play
And somehow the words just slip away }

It’s not the first time I’ve danced with him, I know that. And, hopefully,
it won’t be the last time I dance with him. But lately, lately it’s been
getting so difficult to sway in his arms and not have more.

And I want more.

What would he say to that? What would he do? Would he ignore me, laugh at
me, pat me on the head and tell me that he just doesn’t think of me that
way?

I couldn’t bear that.

So I say nothing.

{ Read my mind
It will tell you that I love you and
You’re all I ever wanted in a man
You’d see how I feel
What my head won’t let my heart reveal
If you could read my mind, read my mind }

It’s hard, though. It’s hard to look around at my friends and know that
they’ve got significant others and I don’t. Buffy has Riley, Xander has
Anya, and even Giles has that Olivia woman.

And I have no one.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I do have him, in a way. As a friend at
least. But it’s so hard to keep pretending. It’s so hard to keep from
opening my mouth and telling him that I’m in love with him. I almost told
him just now, before the song started.

But then he looked at me.

{ One look from you and look at me
I’m trembling like a little girl
I tell myself if I can just believe
Any day now you’ll fall in love with me }

It’s hard to described what it feels like to be looked at by this man. It’s
just... his eyes. They’re so intense, as intense as he himself is, and they
just seem to be so focused, so intent on whatever it is that he’s looking
at.

Sometimes I feel like he’s actually looking inside me rather than just at
me. It’s as if I’m stripped bare before him, and he can see and know
everything there is to know about me.

But if that’s true, why is it that he doesn’t know that I love him?

{ Read my mind
It will tell you that I love you and
You’re all I ever wanted in a man
You’d see how I feel
What my head won’t let my heart reveal
If you could read my mind, read my mind }

And I do love him, as scary as that may seem. I can’t help it. There’s
just something about him. In the beginning, when he first joined the group,
I avoided thinking about him altogether. Then, well... his intensity
intrigued me. He’s so intense when he talks, when he yells, when he
fights... I began to wonder if he was that intense when he loves.

I think the blush on my face stayed there for the better part of an hour
when I started in on the mental pictures of that one.

But there’s so much more to him than that. He’s smart, and he’s funny, and
he’s tough, and he can even be kind, and caring, and even gentle.

At least, he can be with me.

{ Tell me if you feel the same way I do
And tell me that I’m not mistakenly taken with you }

There are times when I wonder if maybe, just maybe, he feels for me as well.

You see, one time, when the group of us was on patrol, I got hurt. Not
badly or anything, but a demon did grab me... and I did end up with a few
bruises.

And he yelled my name.

I know, I know, it sounds stupid. But you didn’t hear him. There was so
much panic in his voice. No one has ever sounded as afraid for me as he did
then. And then, he killed the demon that was after me. He carried me back
to Giles’s that night, bandaged my ankle, and made sure that I would be
okay. And there was so much worry in his eyes. Worry for me.

And I fell in love with him.

{ You’re all I ever wanted in a man
You see, all I need is everything you are to me
If you could somehow read my mind
You would see what I can’t seem to say
If only you could, if you would read my mind }

I fell in love with him for so many reasons. He makes me laugh. I know it
doesn’t sound like much, but given the way things have been lately, it
really is quite the accomplishment. He’s interested in my magic. He
recognizes that it is more than a hobby to me. He even bought me a new
spell book the other day. And he protects me. I never realized how good it
felt to be wrapped up in someone’s arms as they carried you to safety until
I found myself in his arms.

But what do I do about it? What do I do about this love?

The song is ending now, and our dancing is slowing to a stop. I feel his
arms begin to fall away from my body, and I know that the moment is about to
be lost. In less than a minute, we’ll be back at the table with the others,
and I’ll have lost another chance.

I don’t want that to happen. I’m tired of that happening.

So, before I have a chance to change my mind, I reach up to put my hand on
his cheek, and he turns to me, his blue eyes blazing with an emotion I think
I recognize, but I’m afraid is just my imagination. Even so, I lean up, and
for the first time ever, I press my lips to his.

{ Read my mind... }

And Spike kisses me back.

The End

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