She found out. I’m not sure how, but she did. I didn’t
know how to feel
about that, about her knowing. I guess in some ways I
was relieved; I no
longer had to worry about her finding out, about slipping
up and saying
something... or doing something. Of course, she really
did know now. I
knew she would do something about it, say something to
me. She isn’t the
type of person who can just leave someone’s feelings
in limbo like that.
She loved Xander unrequited for so long... She could
never allow someone to
hold false hopes for her. I knew she would make a decision;
I knew she
would let her choice be known. I also knew what her decision
would be.
I never expected her to leave Spike for me.
Does that surprise you? It shouldn’t. You see, I’ve been
here off and on
for the past two months; I know I should have returned
to LA permanently,
but I just couldn’t. Seeing them together... I guess
I’m a glutton for
punishment.
He loves her. I can see it when he looks at her. I’ve
never seen Spike
look at anyone the way he does Willow. It’s like it’s
not even him; his
face changes completely. The hardness, the brashness
is gone. All that’s
left are his feelings for her.
She came to see me today, once she had made her choice.
I could see the
knowledge in her eyes when she looked at me. Her eyes
have always been so
expressive.
I love her eyes.
I could see the struggle in them as she tried to figure
out what to say to
me. I could see her feelings so clearly... she cares
for me, but not
enough. She doesn’t love me.
She loves him.
“It’s okay, Willow,” I whispered, my heart breaking a
little more each time
she looked at me with those sad eyes. “I understand.”
She didn’t question how I knew what she was there to say.
I guess she
didn’t need to. I’m pretty sure that, for once, my emotions
were easy to
read.
“I don’t want to hurt you. It’s the last thing I want
to do,” she said in
this aching whisper.
“No, little one, it isn’t. The last thing you want to do is hurt Spike.”
She sniffled, wiped a stray tear that had slipped from
her eye to make its
way down her cheek. My heart cracked just a little more.
“God, Willow, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I
know you didn’t
want to hurt me. You would never intentionally hurt anyone.”
“Then what am I doing now?”
“You’re letting me go. You’re telling me that you can’t
be with me; you
love someone else.”
“Gosh... and here I thought I hadn’t said anything yet,”
she said in an
attempt at humor.
“You don’t need to.”
“No... no, Angel, I do. I need to say something.”
Her eyes implored me, begging me to stay and hear her
out. How could I say
no to her? So I stayed, knowing what was coming.
“I care about you. I always have. I missed you when you
were gone... when
you lost your soul. God, how I missed you. I missed you
when you went to
LA, too. I hated that you were gone. You’re my friend,
Angel, and you will
always be my friend.”
“But you love Spike.”
“Yeah.”
She came closer to me then, and it was all I could do
not to grab her and
hold her to me. Just once. She lifted her hand - they’re
so delicate, but
I know there’s strength in them - and ran it down my
cheek. When she drew
back, I could see that it came away wet.
I hadn’t even realized I was crying.
Then she did something I never in a millions years would have expected.
Slowly, so slowly I could barely tell that she was moving
at all, she leaned
in toward me. I held an unneeded breath as she rose to
her tiptoes...
She kissed me.
It wasn’t much of a kiss; it was little more than our
lips barely brushing
against one another. But it meant so much to me. I think
she knew it, too.
I think that’s why she did it. To let me know that she
cared, that she
hated to hurt me.
To say goodbye.
Yes, I’m leaving Sunnydale. There’s nothing holding me
here; I can go back
to my life in LA. I know she’s happy; I know she’s going
to be okay. She
has Spike and Buffy to protect her; she doesn’t need
me.
So I stood there in the mansion, watching as Willow walked
away, heading
back to the life that awaits her. Heading back to the
man she loves.
Back to Spike.
The End.