It’s been twenty-three days since he left.

Twenty-three days since he walked away from me without even looking back.

Twenty-three days since I went to his place, only to find an empty crypt.

Oh, Goddess, I miss him.

< So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning >

He didn’t even say goodbye.

That’s what hurts the most, I think. I just went there to see him, and he
was gone. There was no trace that he had ever been there at all.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything hurts.

< Now I’m here to stay
Love can be so boring >

My eyes hurt from crying so much.

My stomach hurts from not eating.

My head hurts from not sleeping.

It even hurts to breathe.

< Nothing’s quite the same now
I just say your name now >

Spike.

He left me.

He just turned and walked away. It hurts to know that. It hurts to know
that he was able to. I know I couldn’t have done the same to him.

I wish I knew why he did it.

< But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had >

Xander says it’s because Spike loved me too much. I laughed at him, then
started bawling when he said that.

I cry a lot these days.

After a while, though, I thought about what Xander had said, and I wondered
what made him say it.

So I asked him.

< You don’t want me back
You’re just the best I ever had >

He told me to think about it. That’s Xander for you; he’s never able to
discuss feelings. Not even when they aren’t his own. So I thought about
it. And I realized something.

Spike had planned to leave me long before he did so.

Looking back, I can see him slowly drifting. I can remember the way he
would simply watch me sometimes.

The sadness in his eyes.

It hurt him to leave me.

< So you stole my world
Now I’m just a phony >

But that doesn’t change the fact that he did leave me.

He walked away.

And it tore me up inside.

Did it do the same to him?

< Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely >

Does he think of me?

Does it hurt him to remember the things we did together?

I can remember the time we went for ice cream; he’d never had any before.
The look on his face when I convinced him to try some of my fudge ripple
cone was priceless.

I want that moment back.

But the question is, does he want it back?

< Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better >

Angel seems to think he does.

I got an e-mail from him. He says Spike’s with him, and that he needs me.
Angel wants me to come to Los Angeles. I don’t know what to think.

If Spike needs me so badly, why doesn’t he come back to me?

< But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had >

Angel says Spike cries during the day when he sleeps. I’m not sure I
believe him. The only time I’ve ever seen Spike cry was after Dru left him,
and he was three sheets to the wind at that point.

But what reason would Angel have to lie?

< You don’t need me back
You’re just the best I ever had >

I’m so confused. If Spike wants me, and if he needs me, why did he leave me
in the first place? Why didn’t he stay?

Maybe he just didn’t need me enough.

< And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside >

Maybe he didn’t need me in the way I need him.

I miss him so much.

I just go through the motions of my life. I go to class, I answer
questions, I take my tests, I remember to smile at the right people, then I
go home and cry.

< But I can’t take it so I
Run away and hide >

Xander’s worried about me, I can tell. I’m pretty sure Giles is, too. He
keeps checking on me at odd hours under the pretense of research. They’re
pretty flimsy excuses, too.

I don’t think Sunnydale’s in danger of being attacked by an Arctic demon.

Buffy, on the other hand, is too wrapped up in Riley to notice me. I can’t
say I mind. I really don’t think she’d understand anyway. She never
understood what I saw in Spike, why would she understand how badly it hurts
now that he’s gone?

I want him back. I want to go to LA and fight for us, for our relationship.

< And I may find in time that
You were always right
You’re always right >

But is it the right thing to do?

What if he had a really good reason to leave me?

But if he did, why didn’t he tell me?

Wouldn’t that have made it easier on us both?

< So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning >

Never mind. I don’t think anything could have made this easier. You know,
when Oz left, I thought I had been through the worst, that nothing could
ever top it.

That was before Spike left.

< Now I’m here to stay
Love can be so boring >

That was true pain. I was pain. Xander called me a walking bruise. Riley
got worried; he thought Xander meant it physically and that I’d been
attacked.

I don’t think they understand that I’d much rather be a physical bruise than
an emotional one.

Could it be I’m haunted >

I feel so drained. I try to sleep, but I wake up five times a night from my
dreams. They all start out so sweet. Spike and I are together, walking in
the woods just after dark. It was one of our favorite things to do.

And then it happens.

We enter our favorite spot, a beautiful clearing about half a mile into the
woods, and Spike turns to me and tells me he’s leaving. We start to argue,
and then, out of nowhere, someone enters the clearing and stakes Spike. And
then he’s gone.

And I wake up screaming.

< But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had >

I’m sick of that dream.

I’m sick of sitting alone in my room and crying. I'm sick of mourning for
this relationship when I don’t even know why it died.

< I don’t want you back
You’re just the best I ever had >

Maybe I should just move on. Maybe I should go out and try to get my life
back together again.

Without Spike.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I don’t want to move on without him. I don’t even think I can.

< The best I ever had
The best I ever... >

I’m going to LA to get him back.

The End
 

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