~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

I ended it today.

Bloody hell, it hurts. I didn’t mean for things to go so far.

I never meant to fall in love.

< I’ve got to be honest
I think you know >

It was just supposed to get her mind off things. The poor chit had had so
much tossed at her, and her damn friends didn’t seem to care. No, they were
too busy with their own boring little lives. Xapper and the ex-demon, the
Slayer and her farmboy, the Watcher and his newfound unemployment. I think
the bloke rather likes his life of leisure.

Not the point.

The point is, that left the two of us.

So I asked her out. It was as much to help me as it was her. I was lonely,
too, much as it pains me to admit it.

Bloody hell, I am getting soft.

< We’re covered in lies and that’s OK >

She doesn’t know why I asked her out. She thinks I liked her from the
start. And I did, to an extent. I just didn’t like her as much as she
thinks I did. She’s the only one that didn’t make me want to jump on a
stake after spending a bit of time with her.

I can’t ever let her know that I just asked her out as a way to pass the
time. It would break her heart.

If I haven’t done that already.

< There’s somewhere beyond this I know
But I hope I can find the words to say >

It was so bloody difficult to leave her. She was crying, and all I wanted
to do was hold her until she stopped and tell her I was wrong.

But I didn’t do that.

I walked away, never looking back.

Does that make me strong, or just stupid?

< Never again no
No never again >

I wish I could take it all back. Go back to that day where I asked her to
the picture show and change things. If I’d have never asked her out to
begin with, this whole thing would have never started.

I would have never fallen in love with her.

< ‘Cause you’re a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know >

She’s truly beautiful. I don’t think she knows that, but she is. That
bright red hair. By all that is unholy, it looks like fire. I love it.
And those big eyes that are so expressive.

Those big eyes that welled up with tears when I said goodbye.

< You’re a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I’d let you go >

Oh, how it hurt to walk away from her. I think my heart literally broke,
which is funny considering the fact that I haven’t really thought of my
heart in the past hundred years or so. It’s not like I use it.

Maybe it just broke from disuse.

Or maybe it broke because I was leaving the one good thing in my life
standing in the Watcher’s front room in tears.

< But I’ve been unable
to put you down >

I still have a picture of her. I’ve had it for quite a while. Swiped it
from the Slayer. It originally had Willow, the Slayer, and Xapper, but I
cut the two morons out, leaving only my redheaded witch.

Oh, Lord, what have I done?

< I’m still learning things I ought to know by now >

I should have known better. I should have known better than to get involved
with a human. They’re nothing but trouble. Look at where the Great Poof
ended up.

In Los Angeles, alone. Whereas I ended up in Sunnyhell.

Alone.

I don’t want to be alone. No, that’s not it.

I don’t want to be without Willow.

< It’s under the table so
I need something more to show somehow >

One hundred and twenty-six years. That’s how long I’ve walked this earth in
demon form. Yet here, I am, living in a dingy crypt, unable to bite
anything human, and completely and utterly alone. None of the Slayer’s
friend liked me besides Willow. They simply tolerated me, so now that I no
longer have my little redhead, I am truly alone.

< Never again no
No never again >

After Drusilla left, I swore that I would never love another. I would never
again be vulnerable to a woman. Yet here I am, weeping over a picture of a
nineteen year old girl.

And this time, I’m the one who left, not the other way around.

I’m the one to blame.

< ‘Cause you’re a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I’d let you know >

Oh, bloody hell. What have I done? I ruined the one good thing in my life.

No, wait. That’s not right.

I left before I managed to ruin the one good thing in my life.

She’s just not in my life anymore.

< You’re a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I’d let you go >

I know now why the wolf left. Originally, I wanted to rip his throat out
for what he did to my Red. But now, I understand. He looked at her, and he
saw that he wasn’t anywhere near good enough for her. He didn’t deserve
her.

And neither do I.

< I’ve got to be honest
I think you know >

She is everything that is pure in this world. I don’t care that she isn’t a
virgin and that she practices magick, she is still the purest soul I have
ever known.

And I have known a lot of people.

< We’re covered in lies and that’s OK >

I’m sure you’re out there thinking that I’m using the fact that she is too
good for me as an excuse to leave her, but that isn’t the case. I’m a
demon, remember? If I wanted to just dump her for the fun of it, I would
have, and I would have taken great joy in seeing her fall apart. But I
couldn’t do that, not to her.

Because I love her.

< There’s somewhere beyond this I know
But I hope I can find the words to say >

I’m getting maudlin, aren’t I? Bloody hell. I didn’t mean to do that, but
it’s true. I adore the little witch. I truly do love her, and trust me,
I’ve been around long enough to know what love is. But I couldn’t stay with
her, because, eventually, I would manage to ruin
her. So I had to leave, just like Angel had to leave Buffy.

I hate it when my sire’s right.

< Never again no
No never again >

I don’t know what to do now. Should I leave town so that she doesn’t have
to see me? Or should I stay and protect her when she isn’t looking? I know
which one I wish to do, but, I’m not sure which one I should do. And, when
it comes to her, for the first time in my long unlife, I want to do the
right thing.

< You’re a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know >

Oh, who am I kidding? I know which one I should do. As I sit here, staring
at her photograph, I know what the right thing to do is. It hurts to admit
it, but I have to leave Sunnydale. I really am becoming the Great Poof.
Leaving in order to save the girl I love.

But I know why he did it, now.

Being near her, even in the same town, would be too much. The temptation
would be too great. Eventually, I would go to her and beg her forgiveness.
Eventually, I would end up with her back in my arms.

And I cannot allow that to happen.

< You’re a god
And I am not
And I just thought
I’d let you go... >

I cannot allow her to be tainted by my evil.

The End
 

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