~~*~~Angel~~*~~

Xander knows. That, of course, really sucks. I blew it big time. I don’t think he’s going to let it slip, though. If he does, I’ll kill him. I’ve been wanting to do that for years, anyway.

I love Willow. That’s not something I ever thought I’d say. I actually told the little idiot that, too. I admitted it. Maybe I am still in Hell. Some strange Hell where beautiful, innocent girls fall in love with psycho killers and I’m forced to have a bonding experience with Xander. That’s bonding, not bondage, by the way.

Just thought I’d clarify that.

I’m in Hell. I think I already said that. Oh, well, it deserves repeating. Deal with my redundancy, okay? Good God, I’m starting to sound like Cordelia. Well, Cordelia with a larger vocabulary, anyway. I guess it’s my own fault for hiring her.

I’m rambling, aren’t I? Bet you thought I’d never do that. Well, still waters run deep and all that. Just because I don’t say much doesn’t mean I don’t think much. Maybe I think too much. Is that a song lyric... no, it’s not. It’s maybe I too much.

Huh. I probably do that, too.

This little narrative’s going nowhere fast, isn’t it? I guess I’m just a bit flustered. Knowing that Xander knows...

It’s a little difficult to accept. It’s my fault, though. It’s always my fault.

Damn, I’m brooding again. Cordelia threatened to shove a stake up my ass the next time she caught me doing that. Somehow, I believe she’d actually do it. She’s evil, you know.

Anyway... back to what happened.

I couldn’t stand it in the mansion anymore. Willow was with Spike, and they were acting like... well, probably like I used to act with Buffy. Only less brooding, more laughing. It was disgusting. Seeing them together was doing awful things to my control, too. It’s strange; I had no problem seeing Willow with Oz. I thought it was sweet. I could envision them getting married, having kids, the whole deal. Seeing her with Spike, however, sends visions of chainsaws dancing through my head. Ooh... me alone with Spike and a chainsaw. Now that’s an interesting thought. Don’t look so surprised. I’ve been around for over two centuries; at least some of my thoughts have to be interesting, even if it is by accident.

Anyway, my urge to disembowel Spike was seriously interfering with my ability to behave civilly, so I went outside. Unfortunately, Xander was there. Why does that boy always have to be where he’s not wanted? Oh, well, I guess he’d say the same about me. Anyway, he turned when he heard me come out, snarled, “Hey, Deadboy,” then proceeded to pretend I didn’t exist. Usually, the prospect of being ignored my Xander would thrill me to no end, but I was in a self-flagellating mood, so I initiated a conversation.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What do you think?”

“I’m guessing Willow and Spike.”

“Score one for the walking corpse.”

Because I understood how Xander felt, I let that crack slide. I can always get him back for it later. At this point I figured I may as well stay for a while - arguing with Xander seemed a better prospect than witnessing Spike and Willow together - so I sat down beside the kid.

“What’s it matter to you?” I know, I know, I was deliberately baiting him; I just wanted to see if he would admit that he loved Willow. How was I to know I’d end up admitting the same thing?

“He’s completely wrong for her. He’s a monster. Good God, he’s worse than you.” Xander sighed heavily, then looked at his feet. When he spoke, it was barely a whisper. “I love her.”

I was shocked. Not that he loved her; that was obvious. I was just a bit surprised that he’d admitted to it so quickly.

“And your point?” I couldn’t resist needling him about it. I’d seen him ignore her for years, nearly ruin her relationship with Oz, and now he was whining about it. However, my comment was the last straw. He blew up. Not literally, though (although you never know on the Hellmouth...); he just yelled.

“The point is I love her, and she’s dating a soulless demon! She’d rather be with a monster than with me! Do you have any idea how it feels to watch the person you love with someone else?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“All I want is a chance with her. Just one chance.”

“Don’t give me that crap, Xander. You had dozens of chances with Willow; I never got one!”

“What the hell did you just say?”

My mind went blank. I didn’t know what to say. I was kind of hoping that the Hellmouth would just suddenly open and swallow me. A nice stake to leap on would have sufficed as well.

“Well?”

I smiled weakly. “What do you think I said?”

“You said you never got a chance. When you said you’d had to watch the person you love with someone else, you didn’t mean Buffy, did you? You meant Willow.”

“Maybe I did.”

After a moment, the teen gave a hollow laugh. “Well, Deadboy, I guess we’re in the same boat.”

I guess we are.

I really hate having something in common with Xander.

Even if it is Willow.

~~*~~Xander~~*~~

Angel’s in love with Willow. I don’t know why it surprised me; Willow’s amazing. She’s beautiful, she’s sweet, she’s smart...

Sorry about that. I think I’m just a bit shell-shocked because of the whole thing where Angel admitted that he’s in love with my best friend. And this time it’s Willow instead of Buffy. I never thought I’d have anything in common with Deadboy. Okay, so there was that whole thing where we were both in love with Buffy, but that’s different. Probably because I was never really in love with Buffy. At least, not the way I’m in love with Willow.

Angel’s right about something, you know. I did have dozens of chances with Willow. If only I’d opened my eyes and really seen her a couple years ago...

But it’s too late for that now. Now she’s with Spike.

Why is Willow with Spike? I mean, come on, he’s dead, for Christ’s sake. Why do all the dead guys get the great girls? What do they do? Go up and say “Hey, I’m handsome and mysterious; why don’t you let me bite you?” And if they end up sleeping together, does that make her a necrophiliac? I mean, he is dead...

Oh, my God! What if they are having sex? At least if she were with Angel, I’d know for sure that they weren’t sleeping together.

Did I just say that as if Willow being with Angel would be a good thing? Maybe I’m going crazy. There’s really no other explanation. I’ve completely lost my mind. I’m a few bricks short of a load. The cheese has slipped of the cracker. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead...

Sorry again. I’m having a bit of a problem focusing. I blame it on seeing Willow with Spike. It’s completely taken over my brain; I can’t think of anything else. I just want to go out and kill him. The same thing happened when Willow started dating Oz; I just wanted to rip him to pieces. You know, if I did kill Spike, I wouldn’t have to get rid of the body. All I’d need is a dustbuster.

Ooh, bad Xander. Killing Willow’s boyfriend would not make her happy.

I love her. Did I tell you that already? If not, I’ll say it again. I love her. More than Angel does, I’m sure. She’s everything to me, always has been. I want her to be happy. The really hard thing about this is that Spike does seem to make her happy. I’ve never seen her smile so much. It really hurts to admit that. Maybe I should just accept the fact that Willow and Spike are together. I should be an adult about the whole situation.

Being mature sucks.

The End”
 

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