~Part One~ If You're Gone

*~*~*~
I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone.
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure
*~*~*~

*~*~*~
*SPIKE'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ I watched you dress silently, pulling clean panties out of the dresser and pulling them up your pale, perfect legs, grabbing your favorite, worn jeans, and a plain black hooded sweatshirt and pulling them on. You stood there, watching me for a second, thinking I was still asleep. I was careful not to move, not even my eyes, concealed under my lowered lashes.

*~ I thought for a minute that you were gonna wake me up. But you didn't. You turned and left the room. Not even a kiss. I sit up and lean up against the headboard, feeling a scowl crease the lines of my face. I know where you're going. You're going to *him*. Your new teacher. The one that's as bad a nancy as Peaches.

*~ He's been telling you things. Things like I don't love you, that it's not in my nature to love. Bloody pillock, who does he think he is? Does he know me? No! Is he a vampire? No! Is he right? ... I don't know.

*~ I love you, that much is true. I really do. My demon... Hell, luv, I *am* my demon. I don't have a soul. But you knew that the moment you saw me. You knew what I was, and you loved me anyway.

*~ I slip out of bed and get dressed, moving out the door without thinking. I make my way to the top of the stairs and watch silently as you greet your new dark haired teacher. No touches, no kisses, nothing like that. But I can see the happiness on your face, and *his* as you both go in for breakfast.

*~*~*~
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
*~*~*~

*~*~*~
*WILLOW'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ "Spike's not up yet?" Duncan asks me as we sit down at the kitchen table, neither wanting to eat in the dining room.

*~ "No, he's still sleeping," I answer, reaching for my orange juice. I could feel my expression sour as I think of you. You've been such an asshole since we got here. I don't want to say we should end it for a while, but it looks like I might have to.

*~ "Having problems?" Duncan asks quietly, his tone carefully prying. I look at him for a second before nodding.

*~ "He doesn't like you," I reply. "He's awfully jealous, that's just in his nature."

*~ "Do you want me to send you to another teacher?" he asks, and I'm stunned.

*~ "No," I nearly shout, then I lower my voice. "No! I don't want you to send me to a different teacher, Duncan. Spike can either deal with it, or he can go wait for me back in Sunnydale." I feel close to tears. You don't realize that *you're* the reason I've been keeping my distance for a while. Since I... died the first time, you've been so *suffocating*. You didn't let me out of your sight. You didn't want me to go anywhere or do anything, even though I was less likely to die the final death than you were. You didn't like the role of protector being taken away. You wanted me to stay the defenseless little human until *you* decided that you would turn me.

*~ I couldn't stay within your little 'Must protect Willow' world. I'm not human anymore. Yes, I'll die. But I'll come back. Yes, I kill. But only my own kind, the ones who come looking for me. And they'll kill you faster than they can get to me. I can't stand back and watch that. If I lost you, I wouldn't have a life to live.

*~ "It's gonna be okay, Wills," Duncan says and squeezes my hand reassuringly. "Really, he'll come around. And when he does, you'll be there."

*~ "Thanks, Duncan," I whisper. "I just wish that he could see what's happening. I'm changing; I'm not the little girl I was. I'm not so vulnerable anymore." My voice cracks on the last word and then I'm crying, Duncan taking me in a *friendly* hug, meant to offer comfort. That's when you burst in.

*~*~*~
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you
*~*~*~
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
*~*~*~

*~*~*~
*SPIKE'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ I walk into the sun-proofed kitchen and find you in *his* arms. Jealousy rages and I growl threateningly. I jerk you out of his arms, pulling you roughly against my side as I glare at your teacher. The young one who can't seem to keep his paws off of *my* mate. Why couldn't you have a stuffy, old, tweed-wearing Watcher like Slutty? Even Wesley would've been an improvement on this... human, who was trying to take you away from me.

*~ "What the bloody *hell* is going on here," I demand, my grip on your arm making you whimper in pain. I feel the beginnings of the blinding pain
caused by the chip, but I don't care. I'm too angry to care. My grip tightens and you hit me in the stomach with your elbow to get me to let go. I do, the only reason being that I don't want to hurt you. That's a lie. I don't want to look like a weak idiot, rolling on the floor in pain.

*~ "Not what you think, *Spike*," you spit my name out like it tastes bad.

*~ "What the fuck do you expect me to think, *Red*," I demand, mocking you. "Here you are in the bastard's arms-."

*~ "I was *upset*," you cut in angrily, your emerald eyes blazing as you glare at me.

*~ "*Fuck* upset," I shout. "If you were upset, why didn't you come up and wake me up?"

*~ "Because you're the reason I'm upset," you scream, your face turning several shades of angry red. I fall silent, all my anger draining away.

*~ "I'll be gone as soon as night falls," I say, turning to go back upstairs. You don't move to stop me, and that hurts worse than seeing you in his arms.

*~*~*~*~
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem
I'm feeling
*~*~*~*~

*~*~*~
*WILLOW'S POV*
*~*~*~*~

*~ I watch you leave from the upstairs bedroom, valiantly trying to hold in the tears. I know it won't be forever, but I can't even begin to predict when I'll see you again. I do love you. With all my heart, body and soul. But I can't do this with your jealousy and anger getting in the way.

*~ I'm not involved with Duncan, and I never will be involved with him. You're the only person, human, vampire, or Immortal that I will ever belong to. I just hope we're not separated too long. I miss you already.

*~*~*~*
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure
*~*~*~*

*~*~*~
*SPIKE'S POV*
*~*~*~*

*~ As I drive out onto the main highway, I don't look back. I want to. I want to so bad it hurts. But I don't. I know, deep down, that you do love me, but I'm in the way. I am sorry.

*~ I can't sit back and watch you with him, slowly but surely drifting away from me. I watched it with Dru for over a hundred years, and I'm *not* going to let it happen again. So, I'm leaving.

*~ God, I'm going to miss you. I do love you. I hope you know that.

*~*~*~*~
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
*~*~*~*~
 

~Part Two~ Time

*~*~*~
L.A.
12 years later
*~*~*~
*SPIKE'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ I stare at you from across the park, watching as you twirl and slice with that blade of yours, slicing through vampire after vampire. My sire moves along with you, staking what you can't reach. Then there's nothing left, no more vampires, nothing but the sound of your even breathing. Damn, but you've improved. That teacher of yours did a good job of it.

*~ "Is that all," I hear you ask, and my undead heart squeezes painfully in my chest. You sound so much the same. You look the same, not a day older, yet there's a wisdom and a grace to your movements that hadn't been there before. Hell below, I love you, even now.

*~ "We can patrol a little longer," I hear my sire answer quietly, then follow you two as you move along the quiet paths.

*~ You're so quiet. I'd always hated it when you got lost in thought, and I'd find some way to bring your attention back to the present, and me.

*~ There isn't a night that passes that I don't miss you. When I first left, I went as far away as possible-back to London. Cursed place, that. There
were more memories there than there would have been here in the states.

*~ The first five years were spent in a drunken haze. I didn't do much beyond drink and feel sorry for myself. Then I 'saw the light' so to speak. I met the other slayer, the dark one, and we talked after she saved me from getting dusted. Surprisingly, she remembered me. She's working on her redemption, and doing a grand job of things. I'm rather proud of her.

*~ She kicked my ass out of the funk I'd been in, and made me feel something other than self-pity. I could never love her. She's not you. And I know she doesn't love me either, but up until two years ago, we helped each other. Then she found herself a human and went on with her life. We still stay in touch, and I help her occaisionally, but that's it.

*~ I don't know why I came back here. I know it's not Sunnydale, but I'd heard that you were here with Peaches. Something inside of me just said 'It's time.'
 

*~*~*~
*WILLOW'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ I don't know how I know you're there, but I do. I've been patrolling with Angel for a couple of hours now, looking for trouble and hoping I'd find it. I don't think even Angel knows how much I like the physical part of patrolling- the fighting. It's certainly something Duncan hadn't understood when he found out about my 'vampire activities'.

*~ Duncan. Now that's a sore subject between us, now isn't it? I'll have you know that I hardly see him anymore. I love him, Spike, but it's a child-father kind of love. He took me under his wing and helped me through a very tough time. A time you couldn't even *begin* to understand.

*~ Imagine it, here I am, one second human, friend to the slayer, girlfriend to a vampire, the next I'm dying. I ran into that master vampire, by the way. The same one who killed me the first time. You'll be glad to know that he and all his followers are long since dust.

*~ I started helping Angel not too long after Duncan had declared me trained and had recieved another student. I don't know what I'd do without him. In some ways, he's replaced Duncan as my teacher, my mentor. He lives with so much... so very much. I restored his soul permanently a few years ago, so he doesn't have that cloud hanging over him any longer. He can find happiness now. In fact, he *has* found it in the least likely of places. My best friend, Xander Harris.

*~ Xander's been turned for about seven years now- souled of course. He was in a car accident and nearly died, scaring Angel enough to claim and sire him. They've been the perfect couple ever since. Who would have thought it?

*~ But I get off the subject. We were talking about how I died, weren't we? Well, talking as in me thinking about it, and you just standing there in the shadows, watching me think about it. Anyway, here I am, dying. I know you've been there, done that, but I think actually believing you're going to die forever is much different than knowing you're going to wake up and continue on.

*~ When that vampire shoved that dagger into my chest, my immediate thought was 'Oh, Goddess, who's going to take care of Spike now?'. See, even then, in that stunned heartbeat, I knew I was going to die. And my last thought was of you. I dimly heard you call my name, and Buffy's scream, then I was gone. It happened so fast. I never dreamed I'd go so quick. Well... As a Slayerette, one tends not to dwell on trivial things
like death. If you do, you find yourself hiding under the bed and waiting for the monster to go away. And we all know that the monster won't go away.

*~ Then I was waking up. In the funeral home. In a coffin. In the ugliest black dress that I've ever known anyone to wear. My mother must have dressed me. I don't know. I haven't talked to her since two months before my death. I hear they came home for the 'funeral' and then left again after making the proper motions. And people wonder why I've never really cared for my parents.

*~ I remember being scared and confused. I sat up and looked over at you, and you were kneeling next to my coffin, your head resting on the cool wood of the outside. You were crying. I touched your hair, and you looked up and the expression on your face is burned into my mind to this day. Stricken. Horrified. Hopeful. Amazed. Then, you kissed me. You wrapped your arms around me, lifted me out of the coffin, and kissed me. Goddess, I can still feel the touch of your lips and taste the salt of our mingled tears.

*~ From then, things got better. Buffy and the rest of the gang were surprised and a bit frightened over the whole 'Will's back from the dead' thing, (who wouldn't be?) but they got over it quick enough. After the night off- and I can't think about that night without blushing, even now- there was research.

*~ In the early stages, I thought it was wonderful that you didn't want me out of your sight. It meant that you cared for me, that you really loved me. But when you continually put restrictions on me and growled at anyone who touched me, it got annoying. I didn't say anything, and looking back, I realize I should have said something then, so that it wouldn't have built up as much as it did.

*~ When Duncan contacted me, I was thrilled! Not only did I have the answers that I'd been seeking, I also had a teacher. But you didn't like it. The first of our arguements started before we even moved to the estate with Duncan. You wanted to train me. Hell, Spike, you didn't want me to train at all! You wanted to be my protector the same as you were when I was still mortal. But you couldn't protect me from everything. Damnit, you couldn't. I know you tried, and I know that you wanted to so bad that it hurt. But you couldn't

*~ We'd only been at the estate for two weeks when we had that arguement and you left. I cried for two days. Then I realized that I *would* see you again. Our separation wasn't going to be forever. It didn't make the pain go away, but it helped. I focused on my training and survival, and I got through it.

*~ Eventually, I quit missing you so bad. I went on and I flourished. But it didn't stop me from crying myself to sleep some nights and dreaming about you almost every night.

*~ I haven't stayed celibate since you left. Twelve years is a long time. I've had other lovers, mortal and Immortal. But no one could ever compare with you. I never let my heart get touched by any of them. Fondness and affection, yes. Love, no.

*~ "Penny for those thoughts?" Angel breaks the silence that's come between us and I realize that I've been in my own world for several minutes now. He's used to my long silences by now, but it sometimes bothers him enough to bring me out of them.

*~ "Nothing, just thinking about Spike," I reply honestly, knowing he can feel you just as well as I can.

*~ "He loves you," he tells me, then impulsively kisses my cheek. "I'm going to leave now. If you need me, I have my cell phone."

*~ I squeeze his hand, then let him go. "Yeah, yeah. Just make sure if I call you don't throw it out the window. Tell Cordy I'll be by in the morning to go shopping with her. Her youngest's birthday's coming up here soon and I don't know what to buy him."

*~ "Will do," Angel waves to me, then disappears into the shadows.

*~ I turn around as soon as he's gone and yell into the darkness at my back, "Come on out Spike."
 

~Part Three~ Your Love Amazes Me

*~*~*~
I've seen the seven wonders of the world
I've seen the beauty of diamonds and pearls
But they mean nothing baby
Your love amazes me
*~*~*~

*~*~*~
*SPIKE'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ I should have known you'd know I was here. We always did have that connection, even before we became 'involved'. I stepped out of the darkness and moved to stand a couple of feet away from you.

*~ You smile at me and I have to smile back. You're so beautiful. "I missed you, Spike," you tell me, your green eyes never leaving my face.

*~ "I missed you too." Fuck. I move closer, so that our bodies are almost touching. I can feel your heat, even though we're not touching, and it nearly scalds me.

*~ "I never stopped loving you," you tell me.

*~*~*~
*WILLOW'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ My heart pounds in my chest as I watch your face, wondering what's going on in that beautiful head of yours. I never could really tell what you were thinking. You're too good at hiding your emotions. Too much experience, maybe.

*~ "I cried for you," you answer, and tears well up in my own eyes. I never thought to hear you say that to me. I know you're capable of emotion- I've seen it with my own eyes. But to know that you cried for me, over me, it was somewhat comforting. I wasn't the only one hurting. For you to admit that you cried over anything was something for the history books.

*~ I move even closer, so that there wasn't more than a millimeter between us. My hands are aching to touch you, to feel you again.

*~*~*~
*SPIKE'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ Enough of this waiting. Twelve years was enough. A small growl escapes, then I'm grabbing your face and pulling your lips to mine. It's hard and unforgiving at first, full of teeth and lips and tounge all battling it out for dominance. Then it softens and becomes all that I ever thought it would be when this moment came.

*~ This one moment in time was what I was waiting for. This is what had kept me from going insane without you.

*~*~*~
*WILLOW'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ My heart felt like it was going to explode. I started trembling as your hands left my face and trailed down to my neck, then my shoulders, then my waist. I gasped as you pulled me tight against you, so that I could feel your hard body. Goddess, how I've waited for this.

*~ Everyone else I've been with through the years had been compared to this and had come up lacking. Some had gotten somewhat close, but never quite there. I whimper as your lips leave my mouth and trail wet kisses to my neck and collarbone.

*~ "Goddess, Spike," I nearly sob, grasping my hands in your hair. "We can't do this here. My... My apartment."

*~*~*~
*SPIKE'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ "Not bloody likely," I growl, pulling away just enough to see your face, your eyes. "I've waited long enough. I'm taking you, and I'm taking you right here, right now."

*~ I can see the decision in your eyes, and I pull you back into the shadows from which I came. I lower you to the ground, my lips catching yours again.

*~*~*~
*WILLOW'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ I lost my mind somewhere between that first kiss and when our bodies finally met in the darkness. I scream as you enter me fully, your pale body pausing for just a second before pressing deeper, ever deeper. We move quickly and desperately- twelve years worth of frustration and waiting bleeding into our actions.

*~ I completely lose it after several agonizing moments, when your teeth finally making their way to my neck, biting deeply. I've never felt so complete, so loved, even as my blood is being taken. I give completely, trusting. It feels so nice- so good. You stop before you take too much, and I can't help but kiss you, tasting my own blood on your lips.

*~ You pull away and just hold me for what seems like forever, but it only a few minutes, then you start to speak, "I hope you don't-"

*~*~*~
*SPIKE'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ "-think I'm leaving you again." I see the relief in your expression and I capture your lips again. "I can't. I love you too much. Tell me, luv, was twelve years enough separation for you? Can we move on and love each other and trust enough to keep it together?"

*~*~*~
*WILLOW'S POV*
*~*~*~

*~ I grin and move to straddle you, pushing your hands into the leaves under us and grind against your sudden erection. "I love you, and you couldn't get rid of me if you tried."

*~ Yes, twelve years was enough. Way too much, if you ask me.
 

*~*~*~
Don't you ever doubt this love of mine
You're the only one for me
You give me hope
You give me reason
You give me something to believe in
Forever faithfully
Your love amazes me
*~*~*~
 

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