*~*~*~*~
give me release
witness me
i am outside
give me peace
*~*~*~*~

*~ The funeral was today. Today, being the operative word. As in sunlight. As in I couldn't attend. But tonight, I sit on your fresh grave and cry like I hadn't since Angelus left me with Dru the first time. Why is it that everyone I love eventually leaves me? Of their own will?

*~ First Angelus... True, he left because of the  curse, but still, we would have found a way around it if he hadn't run away like a scared child. Then Dru.
The loony bitch wanted something more than what I could give. Then you. You left me, permanently, and I have no idea *why*.

*~ That's the question, isn't it?

*~*~*~*~
heaven holds a sense of wonder
and i wanted to believe that i'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides
*~*~*~*~

*~ Why did you leave me, pet? You didn't know I loved you, I guess. But how could you not have seen it? It was in everything I was- you were my soul. I watched you every night... You didn't know that, did you? I watched outside of your bloody window and watched as you struggled through life. It was a struggle for you, wasn't it, luv? You tried so hard to be what they wanted you to be, pushing your desires, your needs, your... life... away for them. And they didn't deserve it. They didn't care. And they didn't know what they were losing until it was too late. It's much too late. I was too late.

*~*~*~*~
passion chokes the flower
until she cries no more
possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more
*~*~*~*~

*~ I reach out a trembling hand out to touch the cold marble, wishing it was the warmth of your skin, the silk of your hair. The stars twinkle at me from above,
the full moon shines almost too brightly, and I'd give it all up just to see you again. I'd give up eternity for you. I'd do anything... Anything... just to tell you I love you and know for certain that you could hear me.

*~*~*~*~
heaven holds a sense of wonder
and i wanted to believe that i'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides
*~*~*~*~

*~ With sudden fury, I lash out, toppling the stone with one anguished scream and one now bleeding fist. When I see what I've done, I push to my feet and try to set it right, to put it together. This stone is the only thing left of you, the only comfort I have. It's a lost cause, the marble lying in several pieces. I've
*never* felt so bad about destroying something in my entire unlife.

*~ I pick up a piece of it and chuck it across the cemetery with another yell. It's as if once I get started, I can't stop. I kick another stone, then a monuement, then the head off a cherub.

*~*~*~*~
in this white wave
i am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
i believe
*~*~*~*~

*~ There's about five gravestones left intact by the time I collapse in a sobbing, pathetic heap at the back of the cemetery. I rest my forehead on the cool,
misty grass and tremble with sheer emotion and exhaustion.

*~ The dawn is coming, I can feel it. All of my instincts are screaming at me to take shelter, but I stay right where I am. What reason do I have to live when you're gone? I sit up, falling back to sit on my heels as I look at the lightening sky. I won't meet my death lying down. No, if I'm going to leave in the sunlight, I might as well remember the sight of it.

*~ My first sunrise in almost two hundred years. You were my sunlight. Did you know that? You were everything I couldn't have. You were my reason. Did
you even realize? Maybe if you had, you'd still be here.

*~*~*~*~
i have seen you
in this white wave
you are silent
you are breathing
in this white wave
i am free
*~*~*~*~

*~ The sun comes in a rush, much quicker than I thought it would. It only hurts for a second, I promise, then I'm here, standing in front of you. I'm standing in front of you, watching you watch me with your big, green eyes.

*~ Everything's so bright here, so... so... shit... bright. I should be cringing in pain or something, but I feel wonderful. Pure and unadulterated joy errupts in my soul... My soul. It's here... and the demon... the demon is gone. I look at you, and you smile, and then I'm there in your arms, holding you so tight.

*~ "I love you," I whisper against your hair, inhaling the sweet scent that belongs only to you.

*~ "I know," you reply, and I pull away just far enough to press my lips to yours. "I love you too, William." With those words, I feel more happiness than I've ever experienced. I feel... free...

*~*~*~*~
i have seen you
in this white wave
you are silent
you are breathing
in this white wave
i am free
*~*~*~*~

back