Dear Scoobies, I don't know quite how to explain what has happened to
me. I don't know you will ever be able to forgive me but I want you to
understand that I really had no choice. I wouldn't change it now
though  even if I could. I don't want you guys to blame to yourselves
for what happened. I don't, I never did. The best way to expain it is
to let you read my journal entries. I haven't edited anything out. I
want you to know what happened, exactly as it happened. It's the only
way you'll see why I've done what I've done. Please don't hate me, I
don't think I could bear that. You won't see me again, he's promised
too leave you guys alone. Tell Giles I'm sorry, send him a copy of
this for the council, it might help future slayers understand Vampires
a little better.
All my love
Willow Rosenberg.

March 10
I think I've been here for almost a week. I can't be entirely sure.
There are no windows or clocks for that matter. He hasn't told me why
I'm here, he barely talks to me at all. It's not like he really talked
to me before anyway so it's not that different. I just wish he'd tell
me what he wants from me. I wonder if Buffy and Xander are looking for
me? He won't talk about them. I'm not allowed to ask about them
either. The one time I did he told me in no uncertain terms that if I
brought them up again he'd pay someone to hurt me, I believe him.  He
insists on sharing a bed with me, he hasn't tried anything. As a
matter of fact he hasn't touched me at all. He gave me a laptop today.
No internet capabilities, not that it matters there's no phone line
here anyway. He just handed it to me and left. I don't understand him.
He brings me food, clean clothes, he brought me some magazines to read
yesterday. I guesse he realizes that I'm bored. I sleep alot. I think
it's out of boredom, mabey he's drugging my food? I think I'll try to
not eat today and see if it helps. I'll let you know.
Willow

March 11
Spike got real mad at me when I didn't eat. I'm not sure why. He
yelled and threatened and trashed the room. He didn't hit me so I know
the chip is still working (Thank the Goddess!) but it was still very
scary. The thing is I was still tired so I guess he's not drugging my
food. He won't even talk to me today. He usually leaves for a few
hours every day but he hasn't gone more than five feet from me
today.He just sits there glaring at me. I must admit that I am scared.
I hope I can figure a way out of this.
Willow

March 12
Today I did something I swore I would never do. I used magic again. I
wanted to know where I was so that I could figure a way out of here.
It didn't work. I did everything right. It was just a simple word
casting. No ingredients needed. I felt the magic but it didn't work.
Then Spike came back. He knew! He looked at me with that evil smirk
and said 'won't work pet. you don't leave till I say so.' I was so mad
at him. Damn cocky, arrogant Vampire! I hope that chip fries his brain
and turns him to dust! He's completely ignored me since then. Well
except for when he brought me dinner. It tasted a little strange, but
then so has pretty much everything else he's given me. Mabey it's just
that he's a Vampire and cooking isn't his strong suit. I mean he burns
most of it. Think mabey I'll ask him if I can make my own food.
Willow

March 14
Spike took my laptop yesterday. No explanation, just woke up and it
wasn't there. When I asked him about it he just shrugged his shoulders
and handed me a mug of coffee. I asked about cooking for myself. He
flat out refused. Said that I would probably start a fire on purpose
just to escape. He's right, I probably would have. We spent the entire
day in silence, him glaring at me and following me around. I went to
take a shower and he followed me. I told him to leave, he refused. I
don't think I've ever been more humiliated. I undressed in the shower
stall where he couldn't see me. After I showered I dried off in the
stall as well. Unfortunately I couldn't get dressed in there. I left
the bathroom in a towel, he followed me. I got some clothes out of the
gym bag that my stuff was in. I don't have any underwear or bras. I
pulled a pair of jeans on under my towel and turned my back to put a
T-shirt on. He laughed. Then he said that mabey next time he'd join me
in the shower. I really hope he was joking. Today hasn't been a good
day. He keeps leering at me. I know he's waiting for me to go to the
bathroom. I won't. I've decided that bathing is highly over-rated. I'm
going to sleep now.
Willow

March 16
He threw me in the shower yesterday. I'm not sure why his chip didn't
go off. I guess mabey because he wasn't trying to hurt me? I don't
know. Anyway the day started off normal. I woke up, had coffee and
toast, picked up a magazine and began flipping through it. When I
finished my coffee he told me to go shower. I told him that I didn't
feel like showering today. That's when he got mad. He didn't yell or
anything. You could just see it, the way his nostrils flared and his
eyes turned cold. Not a good thing. The next thing I know he's scooped
me up off the floor and flung me over his shoulder. He stormed into
the bathroom and dropped me into the tub. Then he turns the shower on
me. 'Get undressed! Now!' he orders. When I looked at him I knew I had
better do it, so I got undressed. I just stood there in the shower
whith my head down crying. I was so scared I couldn't move. When I
looked up he wasn't there. I started to relax, then I felt his hand on
my shoulder. I turned around and saw that he had indeed joined me in
the shower. I froze. I felt his hands on me as he washed me. I felt
him move me under the spray to rinse the soap off. Then he put the bar
of soap in my hand. 'Your turn pet, wash me.' he said. I don't think I
even realized what I was doing. I lathered the soap and started to
wash his back. I washed his chest, his arms and his neck. Then I knelt
down and washed his feet and then his legs. When I looked up I was
face to face with his very large erection. I heard him say something
but I didn't understand what. Then I realized that he was waiting for
me to wash him there. I'm not sure why but I stood and walked behind
him. I reached around and slid my soapy hand between his legs. I
rubbed the soap around his balls and then up around his cock. He
moaned and thrust into my hand. 'Keep going Witch' he told me. I did.
After he came he rinsed off and got out. He dried off and left me
alone in the shower. I Got out, toweled off and left the bathroom. He
was gone. I got dressed and then I started to cry. I cried for hours.
I don't think I can cry anymore.  he still wasn't home when I went to
bed last night. He was here this morning when I got up. Same old
routine, coffee and toast while I flip through a magazine. Luch was
uneventfull. Now as I sit here typing I can see he's getting restless.
This wories me. 'Time for a shower' he just said.
Willow

March 20
I wish he would just let me go. I don't know how much more I can take.
He's trying to break me, I just know it. Our morning ritual continues.
Only now we shower first. It's the same every time. We go into the
bathroom and undress in silence. He starts the water and then we get
in. He always washes me first. He trys to make me feel. I don't, I
won't! I won't give him that power over me. Then I wash him. It always
ends the same. He cums, rinses off and gets out. Other than the shower
he never touches me. He talks to me a little more. Yesterday he
brought a TV and VCR in. There's no cable so we can't watch much. I'm
not allowed to watch anything unless he's here. He asked me for a list
of movies I'd like to see. I gave him one. Hopefully it will help to
pass the time. I can't even bring myself to write every day. There's
very little to write about. Every day is the same as the last. The
food still tastes funny, I still sleep alot and Spike still hasn't
said why I'm here. The only new things are the TV/VCR and our little
shower rituals. Will write again next time I have something new to
report.
Willow

March 21
Spike came home drunk last night. That was new. He ranted and raved
about something I have no idea about. He wasn't making a lot of sense.
I (stupidly) tried to talk to him. This seemed to make it worse.
Before I knew what was happening he was dragging me into the bathroom
with him. When he turned on the shower I knew. I undressed and got in.
I figured if nothing else this might calm him down. A calm Spike is
much better than an upset one. He washed me, just like he always does.
only this time after I had rinsed off he pulled me into his arms and
just held me. I don't know why I did what I did next, I've been
thinking about it since it happened and I still don't know. I Kissed
his chest, he lossened his grip and I slid lower kissing my way down
his chest and abs. I sroked his cock with my hand and then took it in
my mouth. I sucked it till he came. Then I got up off my knees picked
up the soap and washed him just like I would any other time. I
finished washing him and took him in my hand again. As he thrust into
my hand he reached back for my other hand and just held it. After he
came he dropped my hand rinsed off and got out. When I got out of the
shower he was asleep. I poured myself a cup of coffee from the pot
that he had made earlier and sat down on the side of the bed. I
watched him sleep for a while. Then I layed down beside him and went
to sleep. When I woke up this morning there was a cup of coffee and
some toast on the table. Spike was gone. He came back a couple hours
later with some shopping bags. He put them in the kitchen and then
turned on the TV. He hasn't spoken to me yet. I wonder what he bought?
He's turned off the TV and is standing up. I know what I have to do.
Time for a shower.
Willow

March 21 (later same day)
I am so stupid. For whatever reason I did what I did I wish I hadn't.
Shower time has changed again. Now apparently blow-jobs are mandatory.
I really hoped that he had forgotten. Apparently not. I don't know
what he's playing at but I won't give in. I will do whatever I have to
to survive this but I won't ever feel anything for him. I think that
he wants me to. He bought me some stuff yesterday. That's what was in
the shopping bags. Some clothes, not my style but I'll wear them
anyway (like I'd have a choice?) and he got me some logic puzzle
books. Told me he didn't want my brain to waste away. He also got some
movies for me from the list I wrote out. I wish I knew what his plan
is. I miss Buffy and Xander. I miss Hanging out with the gang,
researching the newest big bad. Who knew that I would actually miss
hellmouthy things?
Willow.

March24
Dreams. I hate them! I have been having dreams about Spike. Naughty
dreams, about Spike! Hello, he kidnapped me is forcing me to stay
here, shower with him and I'm dreaming about him! Arrg! What the hell
is wrong with me? For the past three nights it been the same. I dream
about him touching me in the shower, only this time I don't resist the
way his hands feel on my skin. I give in to him and he kisses me and
touches me and then he takes me right there under the hot spray. I
always wake up the same way too. Wrapped around his body in the bed we
share. Thank the Goddess he's asleep and doesn't know. It's becoming
increasingly difficult to shower with him and not give in to him. I
think he knows this too. He takes longer to wash me than before,
ligering on my breasts and thoroughly cleansing my neither regions.
This morning I accidently let out a gasp as his fingers brushed over
my clit. He continued to stroke me till i bit through my lip trying
not to cum. I succeeded but only because as soon as I bit through my
lip he spun me around and sucked my lip into his mouth. I was so
shocked by him sucking on my bleeding lip that I didn't realize he was
putting my hand on his cock untill it was already there. I stroked him
while he continued to suck my lip. When he came he groaned into my
mouth and then kissed me, hard. He got out of the shower without even
being washed. I heard the door open and close a few minutes later.
He'd left. I finished my shower, dried off, got dressed and came out
here. I don't know what to make of this. I want to go home. I want to
hate him for bringing me here and I want to know why I'm here in the
first place.
Willow.

March 30
Things have changed, again. I'm still having the dreams. The showering
is getting better. He still insists on washing me but he has become
less thorough with certain parts of me. I think I will explode if I
don't get out of here soon. I woke up this morning after having one of
those dreams to find myself once again lying all over Spike. It
wouldn't be so bad Except that all I have to sleep in is a couple of
long T-shirts (as I mentioned before I have no underwear) and Spike
sleeps nude. Well this morning I woke up with his thigh firmly pressed
between my legs and my hand on his cock. To make matters worse, his
stomach was sticky as well as his leg, and he was awake! 'Morning luv,
pleasant dreams?' he said to me. I was sooo embarassed.  I asked him
how long he'd been awake. He said the whole time. I got myself off on
his leg in my sleep and he was awake! Arrg! I fled to the bathroom and
jumped in the shower before he could stop me. He came in a couple
minutes later. I was already washed, I went to get out but he wouldn't
let me. He kissed me. I pulled away from him but that only made him
mad. He handed me the soap and I did as I always do. then he left as
usual. When I got out of the shower he was still here. I had my
coffee, no toast today, and sat on the bed with a magazine. He came
over and sat beside me. He asked me why I was fighting it so hard.
Told me that it would be better for me if I just gave in. I told him
that I would never give in. Even if my body betrayed me my mind would
never give in. He got this look in his eye that scared the hell out
me. Then he told me that he'd have to settle for just my body then for
now. He started touching me. I pushed him away, he pushed me back. He
took his clothes off and started to undress me. I don't know what
happened but I snapped. I kicked at him and punched and scratched him.
He hit me across tha face, hard. I saw him flinch slightly but there
wasn't any any more than that. That's when I realized that something
was wrong. 'Your chip?' I said to him. 'Not really a problem with you
luv' he answered. I knew then that there was no point in fighting, he
took my body. I let him, on some level I think I may have enjoyed it.
But I wasn't really there. I shut my self off mentally, he knew that
too cause he kept whispering to me that it was only a matter of time
before I gave myself to him completely. He left right after. I hope he
never comes back.

April 7
This is the first day I've felt strong enough to get out of bed. I'm
going to die here it's just a matter of time. Spike has gotten worse.
I stopped giving into him when he takes me. I just lay there. Now he
beats and rapes me. I know that I could change this. I just felt so
dirty after the first time. I let myself take pleasure in some way
from him. I swore to myself that I wouldn't become what he wants me to
be. So I fight him, I think he enjoys it. I kick at him and scream and
he hits me, then he forces himself on me. The more I scream the more
he seems to enjoy it. I tried not to scream but when I don't respond
he hurts me more. I know now why he can hit me. It's his blood. He's
been feeding it to me since the beginning. Thats why the food always
tasted off. He put it in everything. Soup, coffee, sauces. anything he
could. I've ingested enough of it now that I don't register on his
chip anymore. He doesn't even bother to hide it in my food anymore. He
just forces me to drink from him. Goddess, we were so stupid. We
trusted him, a demon. We should have known he'd find a way to hurt us.
I should have known. Spike is not as stupid as Buffy and the rest like
to think. I knew that, but I ignored it. Deciding instead to think
that he had changed, that helping us and getting to know us would
change his evil ways. When he fell for Buffy I assumed as well as
everyone else that we were safe from him. We aren't, we never will be.
Buffy turned him away, rejected him. Spike doesn't handle rejection
well, I know that first hand. The worst part of this is that I
actually felt for him before this. I understood his pain, I'd been
there. I could have easily fallen for him myself given enough time. I
still could. That's what terrifies me, it would be so easy to just
give in to him and end my pain. I know if I do he'll stop hurting me.
He just wants me love him, to be with him. He once said that he was
going to torture Dru into loving him, I guess that's what he's doing
with me. I'm so scared, what if I'm not strong enough? What if he
breaks me? I know he enjoys the pain that he inflicts on me, he's a
Vampire it goes with the territory, but he also wants to be gentle
with me, he wants to just love me. I won't let him, if I do then I
might love him back. I can't do that to the gang. They'd be so
disappointed in me.
Willow

April 10
Spike hasn't been home for two days. I don't know if that's a good
thing or not. I'm trapped here, locked in. If he's dead then I will
surely die here too. On the other hand if he comes back after being
away for this long it won't be pretty. Every time he takes me it's
worse. The beatings are more severe, the sex is rougher and he has
taken to biting me. Last week he drained me to the point where I
passed out. I really thought I was going to die. Part of me was
relieved, the other part terrified that I wouldn't stay that way. I
haven't eaten since he left, nor have I turned on the TV. He will know
when he comes back if I've touched anything. I did take a bath this
morning. It felt wonderful to soak in hot water, to actually be alone
for a while. But now? Please forgive me but a part of me misses him. I
know that's not healthy. It's like those women who fall in love with
there abusers. The rational part of mind screams out against this but
he's all I have right now, I can't make it without him. He made sure
of that.
Willow

April 11
He still hasn't returned. I ate something this morning. I had too. I
feel like I'm missing a part of me. I have this craving, I can't
satisfy it no matter what. I tried coffee, you know caffine addiction?
That wasn't it. I ate, still not feeling well, actually I threw up. I
bathed, got dressed, walked around the room a bit. It's getting worse.
My hands are shaking, almost as bad as when I quit magic. I know I'm
going through withdrawl, but why? I need to lay down.
Willow

April 12
Spike came home last night. I'm doomed, I will never be able to
escape. I know this now. He has won, I need him, I don't love him, but
I imagine I will. Let me explain and then mabey you can forgive me. I
was in bed when Spike came home. I heard him come in and I practically
threw myself into his arms. He held me to him and whispered soothing
words in my ear. I buried my face into his neck and cried. That's when
it happened. I could smell it, smell him. I don't know what happened
but before I could stop myself I bit him, hard. I drew his blood into
my mouth like a person dying of thirst. He laughed! He knew! That's
why he stayed away, he wanted me to understand what had happened. He's
made me dependant on him, on his blood. From what he tells me, it's
mutual. He couldn't have stayed away much longer either. I drank from
him, he drank from me. He took me to bed after that. I didn't fight
him, I won't fight him anymore. What's the point? He tells me that we
are mated. Basically the Vampire equivilent of marriage except there
is no chance of divorce. We are totally dependant on each other now.
If he dies I die. I won't age like a normal human either. Something
like one year for every twenty years. He will turn me eventually, I
accept this. I still have plenty of time to come up with a soul
restoration without a clause. He told me that he would re-soul me
after it was done. He doesn't want another unfaithful partner. He
heard all about Vampire me, and though he was intrigued, he doesn't
want me to be like her. I believe him. We will be leaving soon. He
doesn't want to stay here much longer. I don't know where we're going,
I don't care.
Willow

April 13
We're leaving tonight, as soon as the sun sets. He's promised to take
me away from California alltogether. He won't bother Buffy or the
gang. I'm glad, I really don't want them hurt. I asked him if I could
write them to say goodbye, he agreed. I've decided to include my
journal entries. They should know what happened, it's the only way to
make them understand. I'm going to return to magic as well. I know
that I can control it now. Spike had a barrier set up at this place to
restrict the use of magic, he knew that I would try to escape him.
That's why my spell didn't work. I never knew that he practised.
Apparently Dru taught him a few things just in case. He's going to
help me to develop my skills. I won't see the gang again, I'll miss
them but it's for the best. The would try to take me away from Spike
and we would both suffer. I feel his pain now, just as he feels mine.
I'm going to find a way to remove or deactivate his chip. I have to.
As I've said I feel his pain now, we never understood how bad this is
for him. If I had I might not have stopped him that time he tried to
stake himself. It is constant. Always there, never leaving. It
subsides to where he can control it, to where it is only a minor
irritant but it never gives him a moments peace, except for when he
feeds from me. That's the only time he is content. He won't promise me
that he won't kill after I fix him. I don't expect him too. He's a
demon, it's what he does. I did ask him to kill only the truly evil
among the human race, he said that for me he'd give it a try. I can't
ask him for more than that. The sun will be down soon and we will be
leaving.  I hope that the gang will forgive me.
Willow.

Buffy sat back after reading, tears streaming down her face. Xander
held her as she cried. "It's okay Buff. We'll find her, we'll find
away to help her." Buffy looked up at him with a slight smile. "No
Xan, we can't help her, we've lost her and it's all my fault." Buffy
went back to crying, Xander held her a little tighter.

1 year later
The scooby gang fell apart. Xander and Anya went their seperate ways,
she went back to being a demon. Buffy slowly went insane, Angel came
for her and took her and Dawn back to LA with him, he's still trying
to help her. Xander disappeared shortly after Buffy left. No one has
heard from him since. The Hellmouth is over run with demons, with
Buffy gone and Faith in jail there is no one to protect it. The
residents of Sunnydale have finally learned that there really are
things that go bump in the night. All the smart ones have left. Willow
successfully removed Spikes chip 6 months after they left. So far he
is still only killing evil humans. They live in New York now. She is
happy, she loves him.

THE END

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