Pairings: Let's see...Spike/Willow, Angel/Cordy, Xander/Anya and Giles/Angle implied :)
Summary: Sequel to Tortureing Sheep with Hotdogs...the gang's found more fics, and more secrets are revealed!
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Once again the Scooby gang sat with piles of fics around them. This time they were in Giles' apartment, and this time, they'd been drinking.
"Sweet Jesus!" Buffy yelled, dropping her glass of brandy instead of the fan fiction she held in her hand. The Scoobies glanced up at her, curious to see if she'd go into a trance again like last time.
"Hey!" Spike yelled, "That's a waste of perfectly good brandy!" Giles snorted in agreement and bent down, lapping the spilled alcohol up like a dog.
"Angel! How could you?? You slept with someone when we were together?" She screamed.
"Who told you.I mean, of course I didn't!" He shot back.
Spike snickered. "You've always sucked at lying!"
"Damn! According to this fic that ain't all he `sucks' at!" Anya chimed in, waving a story. Spike leaned over and snatched it from her, settling back for some good reading. But Buffy and Angel ignored her.
"Now, Buffy, you know these aren't all true." Angel began, but Buffy would hear nothing of it.
"Aren't they? Didn't Spike put Will on the rack? Doesn't Anya use chains?"
"Yeah, well, those are OBVIOUS things.any dimwit can see that those things happen and throw them in a story. But, Buffy, I swear to you; I never slept with another woman while I was with you!" Angel argued.
"No. you didn't. You slept with GILES!" Buffy screamed. Spike dropped the fic to stare at his Sire in disbelief while the Watcher blushed a deep shade of red.
"Wow, mate. Never knew you got that hard up!" Spike commented. Giles began to stutter.
"That's ridiculous. No television viewer could have known that."
"Ah, Giles?" Willow questioned, trying to warn the old Brit.
"Oh, right."
"Spike- in this fic its you who's "hard up" and I'm not talkin' desperate, DAMN! I mean if this person's descriptions are even half way right, Willow, you are one lucky little Witch!" Anya chimed in again. This time, Willow is the one who leans forward to snatch the story from her. Meanwhile Buffy had pinned both Giles and Angel to the floor and was screaming incoherently at them as well as punching them every now and then.
"You two gits really need to learn to watch what you say," Spike commented. Neither heard over Buffy's screaming.
"Buffy! You think that's bad? Giles jacked off with Willow's Wiccan wand thingy!" Xander threw the fic at Buffy.
"He did WHAT?" Willow screamed.
"In this one he uses your athame, pet!" Spike added. Willow looked like she was going to faint.
"Goddess, Giles! I use those for Sabbats!"
"There aren't enough cleansing spells in the universe, eh luv?" Willow just kept whispering to herself; "Oh Goddess, oh Goddess!"
"You'd think you'd cut yourself! Hey, Giles-did you slice anything during that little bout?" Spike called. Giles, still being attacked by Buffy, didn't answer.
"Well, according to this, you're the one who cut off Angel's!" Anya offered. Spike snorted.
"It's too bloody small! Why'd you even want to cut it off? No use for one that small.wonder anyone ever used it. Takes off his pants and it's `hey! Where'd it go?'" Everyone started laughing, even Cordelia.
"He's got a point! But, haven't you heard Spike; `it's not the length, it's not the size, it's how many times you make it rise.'?"
"They can make it rise `til judgement day; it's what they do with it!" Willow called. Spike laughed.
"Where'd you get that one from, luv?"
"If you've ever gone from a horny werewolf that misses half the time to a Vamp that gives you upwards of four orgasms a night you'll see!" At that everyone looked at Spike. Quiet singing from the couch stopped any more comments.
"Good things come in small packages, small packages. Good things come in small packages, like my Grandma said." Everyone turned to stare disbelievingly at Xander.
"What?"
"It's not the length of the equipment." Cordelia started again.
"It's how long it can run!" Willow finished her sentence.
Spike laughed.
"You know it, Cordy. What's Angel's record; 5 seconds inside a woman?"
"6."
"Well, according to the fic you have, Spike, Giles only lasted 4 in Angel!" Anya offered. Everyone looked over at where the Slayer still had both pinned, obviously not tiring of screaming at them, though they (or anyone else in the room) couldn't understand a word she was saying.
"Think we should help them?" Xander asked.
"Nah, let's just leave `em there!" Spike said. Everyone stood up, arms full of their favorite fics and fics about themselves that they don't want anyone else to see and left for home.
~~~*~~~
Buffy's speech began to slow. Her grip slowly loosened. It was eleven and half-hours later and she was finally beginning to fall asleep.
Angel conjured all of his undead strength and threw her off of them. Flying across the room, the Slayer hit her head and was instantly out cold. Without hesitation, Giles and Angel bolted for the door and jumped into Giles's car, oblivious of the new bumper sticker on it.
Next to the one reading "I didn't do it. You can't prove it. Nobody saw me. The sheep are lying." Was one that read "Sorry Cowboy, in my corral 8 seconds ain't no ride!"
The End