rating: PG 13, angst, heartache
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone from the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Distribution: any lists that I send this to, WLS, QPC, Bite Me, Cat, Feen, Soulmates, WWW - anyone else please ask
note: set in AU season 6.
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Spike didn't know quite how he should react as Willow led him towards the little coffee shop. It was wonderful that she was talking to him, even if it wasn't the way it had been. That she would listen at all... Or at least, he hoped that she would listen, that she would give him a chance. What if she didn't want to take him back, what if she had someone new, someone mortal?
But she was wearing the coat that he'd given her. She had said that talking might be good. That had to promising, right? Unless she was just hoping to make a clean break from him. He shook his head, trying to stop from thinking himself into circles. He had to keep a clear head, he had to get this right. After all, he was on his second chance now, a third would be too much to hope for.
Entering the coffee house, she made her way to the counter, ordering herself something called Chai and getting him a cup of hot chocolate. With a glance and a flicker of what might have been a smile, she headed towards a small table. "You wanted to talk?"
"I'm sorry." The words tumbled out. Wincing at the way she seemed to stiffen, he blundered on. "I know, that doesn't fix it. But I am sorry, more than I can put into words. It shouldn't have happened, should never have..."
"But it did happen. More than once, from the looks of things." Her voice was low, uneven from pain. "You and her... it happened. It would have been easier, would have hurt less if it had been Drusilla."
"Here I thought that you didn't care much for Dru." Spike looked at her, noticing the way her eyes seemed a bit sunken, the pallor of her skin. Had this been because of him? He felt a stab of guilt once more. "Or is it just that anyone..."
Willow shrugged a little, her fingers wrapped firmly around the too hot mug. "Harmony would have been better."
"Is there any way that I can make it up to you?" He slid his hand towards her, fingers half reaching towards her, uncertain if she'd swat him away.
"Am I the one that you want, or is it just that you think I'm the one that you can have?" Bitterness laced her words, and her eyes were full of pain and doubt.
"Willow..." He wanted to protest her words, to insist that he would never try to use her like that. But to her, hadn't he already done so? Hadn't he already betrayed her? Hadn't he earned her doubts? "It's not... It's not like that."
"It felt just like that, Spike. Like I wasn't the one you wanted, just the person that you could have. Just sort of a place holder while you worked on getting someone better." Her words were low, but filled with pain.
"She's not better. Granted, she's got stronger muscles, but that's not the measure of a person." He knew that things had looked too easy. She wasn't offering him forgiveness, she was offering him more rope to hang himself with. "It wasn't... she wasn't what I wanted anymore."
Willow made a small noise, disbelieving. "It looked like you did."
"What I wanted, once upon a time, was the Buffy from before. She was pretty, and sweet under that toughness, and she fought for her friends, for what she believed in. That's got a lot of appeal." He sipped at his cocoa, licking at the whipped cream that was now clinging to his lip. "She wasn't like that anymore. By the time that I realized how much she'd changed..."
"By that time, you were already making with the naughty fun?" Willow arched one eyebrow, her eyes shimmering with tears. "You should have... I don't know, but I shouldn't have had to find out that there was a problem like that."
"It wasn't that fun." He winced again, desperately hoping that the words hadn't really just left his mouth. But judging by Willow's look of stunned disbelief, he'd said it. "Damn me and my big mouth. I mean... Bloody hell, could I be making a bigger botch of this?"
She made a noise, like some bizarre blend of snicker and sob, and closed her eyes. "I don't know, I haven't tried to stake you yet. That's supposed to be mostly a joke, by the way. It's just... I wasn't even sure why you were here at first, and I want to believe you, I really do, but it hurt so badly to see that, to see you and her. I couldn't understand how two people who were supposed to be close to me could hurt me so badly. And when I talked to her about it... She wasn't the Buffy that I'd met in high school. I guess... I guess I was afraid that you weren't the Spike that I'd gotten involved with anymore, that you were someone else now, her Spike."
"I'm still the same idiot that you got involved with. Hopefully, I'm a bit wiser than I used to be, but I'm still." He shook his head, and glanced at the mug, at his hand wrapped loosely around it. "Can I plead insanity for that mess?"
One corner of her mouth twitched, as if she wanted to smile and wanted not to smile at the same time. "I'd believe it. But if you were insane then, and still the same Spike, are you still insane now? How could I be confident that it was a contained form of insanity that wouldn't be repeated?"
"You go for the hard questions, don't you?" He sighed, and swirled his cocoa around gently, sipping at it to prevent it from spilling. "What would it take to convince you? To convince you to give me another chance?"
For a very long time, she was silent, just sitting there, her eyes glancing from him to the rest of the room to her mug over and over. Finally, the words emerged, barely loud enough for him to hear them. "I don't know. I don't know if I'm brave enough to take that chance again, if I can believe you if you look at me and say that I'm the one that you want, that you wouldn't touch anyone else."
Part of him wanted to scream in frustration or despair. Another part was trying to whisper that 'I don't know' wasn't the same as 'no, get out of my life'. And part of him had this weirdly guilty feeling at the mention of her fears, of her doubts. What emerged was a very weak sounding "oh. I guess that makes sense."
"Spike? I." She paused, licking her lips uncertainly, her eyes settling on him. "How did you find me?"
Spike swallowed some cocoa, trying to think about how to answer that one. Should he mention the way that he'd just sat like a lump at her departure? The way that Xander had beat him up out of anger, how the idea to follow her had waited until several miserable drunken binges? "I. One day, I woke up and realized that I couldn't face things without you. And I didn't have to just take it like a lump, after all, I'm Spike, I'm William the Bloody. I can track you down like a man and grovel."
There was a tiny giggle at that, and she sipped at her Chai, eyes intent on him. "But how did you find me? I deliberately went a long way from Sunnydale."
"I. I started with a list of all those other colleges that you could have gone to. And I crossed out all of them in California." He sighed, and looked up at her, meeting her eyes. She looked so. intent, as if his answer would have some sort of deep meaning and impact. "The I started checking in each town, looking for a beautiful redhead with a broken heart. But you weren't there, and I ended up here."
"Ohhh." It wasn't so much a word as a sound made by the air escaping her. It didn't look as if she'd quite expected that answer, and she glanced down, her hand raising to touché the edge of her coat sleeve. "That must have been a lot of effort. So much time, and traveling all over the country."
"I had to find you. I had to try to make things right again, to have you back in my life." He whispered, his hand slowly reaching out, lightly resting over hers. "Please?"
"You want us to try again. To try being an us again." She took a deep breath, as if trying to calm herself. "To fix things. But Spike, some things can't just be fixed. What if this is one of them? What if. what if I can't trust you again, if I can't believe what you tell me?"
"Do you want to try?" He looked at her, wondering if she could see in his eyes how important she was o him, how desperately he wanted her to say 'yes'. He silently offered her anything, everything, if she'd just give him another chance.
"I think." She paused, one hand resting under his, the other still clutching her mug. "I think if I don't let you try, I'll spend the rest of my life wondering. But if you break my heart again, I don't think I could survive it, Spike."
He smiled, mentally thanking every beneficial, neutral or remotely concerned with love deity and demi-deity that he'd ever heard of. He vowed that this time, he wouldn't screw things up. This time, he'd get things right. "Thank you, Willow. Thank you for being willing to give me a second chance."
"I just hope. She bit at her lip, her eyes not quite meeting his, but still on him. "I hope this one goes better."
"So do I, love." Spike rubbed over the back of her hand, feeling as if he's just accomplished something huge and wonderful. "So do I."
The End