rating: PG 13, angst, heartache, some bad words
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone from the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Distribution: any lists that I send this to, WLS, QPC, Bite Me, Cat, Feen, Soulmates, WWW - anyone else please ask
note: set in AU season 6. Willow and Tara never got back together after Glory, and instead Willow hooked up with Spike. Tara left Sunnydale. Willow resurrected Buffy. Buffy then proceeded to use Spike while he was dating Willow, without Willow's knowledge.
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Willow sniffled as she looked out the window. She'd ended up far from Sunnydale, which had been her goal. But she hadn't thought about the fact that weather anywhere else would be different from Southern California. Right now, it was raining. The sky was a dull, dark grey, and water poured down, like a flood of tears from heaven. It was oddly fitting for her mood. She was crying, again, why shouldn't the sky cry as well?
It seemed like she couldn't stop crying lately. Ever since she'd seen Spike and Buffy... since she'd discovered first hand that once again, someone that she'd given her heart to had decided to have sex with someone else. Like Oz had, now Spike. She hadn't known that it would hurt this much. As if her insides had been ripped open, and salty lemon juice just barely above freezing poured inside of her. But it would pass, it had to pass. It had to pass eventually.
She could learn to function without him, without the person that had become her everything. She understood now just how much it had hurt him to think of Dru with Angelus, how the pain of it had ripped inside, burning and freezing until nothing felt right... She wiped her cheek, feeling the tears trickling down her face again. He'd become everything to her, friend, lover, stability and protection, and now, all of that was ripped away. Because he might have lived with her, but he'd been creeping out to have Buffy.
Willow wanted to hate him for it. She thought that maybe she did hate Buffy now, cetainly the Slayer only brought up feelings of pain, betrayal, and anger now. That and the burning wish that she'd just left Buffy dead. But she couldn't hate Spike. Not entirely. No matter how badly it hurt, no matter how furious it made her, the pain was worse because she still loved him. Despite the way he'd lied to her, betrayed her love and trust, sought... well, Buffy, she still loved Spike.
Love sucked.
She wasn't quite certain at the moment why she'd even been willing to risk trying love again. She'd loved Xander for years, and that had gone from unnoticed longing to impaling disaster. She'd loved Oz, and he'd found himself a wolfy bitch and been gone, but not until he'd cheated on her, killed the bitch, and nearly killed her. Tara had been... well, it could have been something wonderful, except for Glory. Then, she'd fallen for Spike. Stupid thing to do, really. She'd known how hung up he'd been over Dru, about his crush on Buffy, but she'd still... Stupid. Love had made her into an overly trusting idiot.
Willow closed her eyes, the faces of her loves dancing in front of her, images on the backs of her eyelids. She felt another stab of pain, and wondered how she would ever be able to manage. How she would be able to start a new life, at a new college when the shattered remnants of her heart had been left in a cemetery back in Sunnydale. She had to be able to manage. To be strong enough, self reliant enough to lurch through this new life. After all, she'd let herself fall apart after Oz, and it had gotten her absolutely nothing. She'd fallen apart when Tara had left, weeping and moping, and it had gotten her nothing. She could see a pattern when it was that obvious.
No more love. Not ever again. It only left her bleeding and crying... well, not literally bleeding, but this was close enough. Physical wounds would be easier than this emotional pain. She didn't have enough of her heart left to risk it again. Another loss like that would surely kill her, not that she felt like she was alive in any more than the biological sense anyhow.
The worst part, she kept dreaming about him. Dreaming of the happier times with Spike, how they would walk together, make love under the moonlight, or in their room in the golden glow of candles. The way that he'd made her feel cherished and beautiful... Other dreams were different. He looked horrible, gaunt, bruised, tear tracks over his face as he begged for her to come back, to be safe, to forgive him. Dreams where he swore that Buffy had been a mistake, that he was sorry, that he'd do anything if she'd just come back to him... He looked as miserable as she felt, in those dreams.
But neither the memories of the good times nor her own wistful hopes would make her go back. Back to being the oblivious doting girlfriend, the lovestruck sap that was too wrapped up in dreams of her lover to realize that he was only using her, only settling because the woman he really wanted wouldn't have him in public. She hoped that he'd noticed that she was gone, that he was at least a little upset, but... Willow couldn't survive in Sunnydale.
Especially not since Buffy had become. well, she was still the Slayer, but she'd ended up being such a cold hearted bitch. Deliberately going after someone else's lover because she could. Hitting Willow when confronted about it. At least the bruise was nearly gone now. No, Sunnydale would not be good for her health, not if Buffy felt that she had the right to strike Willow for her objections.
She would miss Xander, and Giles. Maybe even Anya. The memories of happier times, high school, Spike, everything. they felt like a weight dragging her back into a pit of pain and tears. But she couldn't stay there, not in Sunnydale, not in her tears. She had to claw her way out, to stagger on, or else. If not, why bother with anything?
She sighed, listening to the rain drown out the sound of her tears.