rating: PG 13, angst, heartache
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone from the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Distribution: any lists that I send this to, WLS, QPC, Bite Me, Cat, Feen, Soulmates, WWW - anyone else please ask
note: set in AU season 6. Willow and Tara never got back together after Glory, and instead Willow hooked up with Spike. Tara left Sunnydale. Willow resurrected Buffy. Buffy then proceeded to use Spike while he was dating Willow, without Willow's knowledge.
Dedicated to Fayth and Gabrielle, who asked so persistently for more.
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Willow walked along the path, headed back to her apartment after class. She had been lucky to transfer in, although it had meant that there were no dorms available, and she'd had to compromise a bit with her class schedule. At least she hadn't seen anything to indicate that New Haven, Conneticut had the same sort of supernatural problems that Sunnydale did. No signs of packs of vampires, or demons trying to start the apocalypse, or heartless Slayers.
She missed the way things had been. Back before, when Sunnydale was. well, it had never really been happy. Back when Buffy was her friend, and she could walk down the street smiling. Or when she could cuddle with Spike, the vampire that she loved. She missed being happy.
Maybe that happiness had let her become complacent, had caused her to miss the signs? Had there been. Of course there had been signs. The way he'd been so obsessed over Her before, the way he'd gone secretive. The bruises and scrapes that he'd got 'on patrol'. And she'd been blind, and trusting, and believed him when he said nothing was wrong, believed him when he said he was happy there with her.
She still tried to stay alert, to keep aware of her surroundings, just in case there was a vampire, or a human mugger. Her magic had been a bit. unpredictable lately, possibly a side effect of her emotional distress. There was still a wooden stake and a bottle of holy water in her backpack, just in case.
A flicker of something pale caught her eyes, and for a moment, she could almost imagine that she'd seen Spike, underneath one of the trees. There was a blond man there, a cigarette in one hand, the tip glowing in the darkness. But it couldn't be Spike, because Spike was back in Sunnydale, probably playing naughty games with Buffy.
Thunder rumbled overhead, and a few fat drops of rain began to fall. Willow wasn't certain if her sudden emotional downturn had caused it, or if it was just one of those miserable coincidences, like hearing his favorite song on the radio on her way to class. The smell of leather and cigarettes together. She'd even found herself getting all teary eyed at the sight of someone else with one of those old, beat up cars like Spike had.
The blond man moved from the trees, meandering. no, more like stalking or swaggering along the path. He reminded her so much of Spike, even if only at a distance, that she couldn't bear to look at him. She couldn't bear to look at a half familiar blond man and have him yet again be so glaringly not Spike. And if by some impossible twist of fate, it was Spike? That would be. she had no words to describe how painfully awkward that would be. What could you say to the person that had broken your heart? 'Long time no see, what brings you here?' Or maybe she could ask about Sunnydale. or not.
The rain started to fall more heavily, and a breeze picked up. Cold drops of water almost felt like they were stabbing at her back and arms, and the breeze carries the scent of leather and cigarettes, the same brand that Spike smoked. Her vision blurred as the tears started to glide down her cheeks, leaving warm lines behind them.
"Hey Red." Lee was another student that had an apartment in this building, and they would study together for the history class that they were both in. Neither of them were particularly struggling with the class, but Lee had shyly confessed that the studying felt a lot less dull with someone there to talk to. A short, slightly plump girl with dark hair that had been two different shades of red, black and brown in the month and a half that Willow had known her, Lee intended to go into advertising for a few years, 'just until she was old enough for congress'.
Tonight, the way that Lee would sometimes call her Red reminded her painfully of Spike. Weakly, Willow smiled at her. "Hey there. So. chapter nine?"
"Yeah. I even have popcorn." Lee reached out, catching Willow's wrist to tow her into the building and towards the stairs. "Who's the sexy bad boy following you?"
Willow blinked, and slowly turned, enough that she could look to try to figure out who on earth Lee could possibly be talking about. She wasn't the type to have guys following her, let alone sexy ones, and especially not sexy bad boys. Her eyes immediately found the man who had been following her, the blond from under the tree. Everything felt like it had slowed down and tilted at a funny angle, and it was as if she was looking down a tunnel. All of her being was focused on the man standing there on the steps of the apartment. "Spike."
"Red. What brings you all the way to Conneticut?" He leaned on the railing beside the steps, not quite smiling, but looking at her. Spike's hair was mussed, and now that he was close, she could see the dark roots starting to grow in. He almost seemed a bit thinner and paler.
"College. Away from Sunnydale, away from cheating lovers. What brings you here?" Willow was half astonished that she could even manage words, half furious that he was here, half overjoyed that she wasn't going crazy, half filled with wildly unrealistic hopes, and half heartbroken all over again. Wait, wasn't that a few too many halves? In a half heartbeat, she decided that she didn't care if that was too many halves, it was the simplest way to describe how she felt right now - confused and emotionally overloaded.
"I was looking for you." His voice had gone soft, taking the almost gentle tone that he'd used when they were snuggled up together, just enjoying each other's company. "I had something planned out, I even wrote a bloody outline. But now that I've found you. I'm sorry. I was an utter idiot, and I'm sorry."
Willow blinked, hardly daring to believe that he'd said what she'd thought he had. That he was sorry. Did that mean that. Had he come to try to win her back? Had he realized that he'd thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to him? Or had Buffy just kept tossing him aside until he figured it would be better to have someone, anyone? The very fact that he was here sent everything spinning, disrupting the fragile balance that she'd found in her life. She wasn't sure quite how to react - did she give him another chance, or try to protect the still aching remnants of her heart?
"Willow? Please. say something. Anything." He took a step closer, dropping the cigarette to reach towards her, his face so full of pain and wistfulness and hope that it took her breath away.
"Spike. I can't believe you're here. And yes, you were an idiot." The words slipped from her mouth right as she turned and bolted upstairs, tears blurring her vision. Spike was here. hope and fear and despair churned inside of her, and she didn't know which was the most dangerous. Spike was here.
Willow ran up the stairs, her feet thankfully not needing any conscious direction. Spike was here, and she had to figure out what to do, or at least what to think. Why had he come here, had he been looking for her? If he had, was it because he wanted her back? Did he care, or was it an issue of pride? Why did he care what she did when he was the one who'd been cheating? She wasn't quite clear how she got into her apartment, surely her hands would be shaking too much to use her keys? But the next thing that she was clear on, she was curled in her big leather chair, sobbing all over again about him.
What was she going to do?
End