Author: P.Martin
E-Mail: ladyofsilver@h...
Rating: PG, PG-13ish
Disclaimer: Dont own them.  All things Buffy belong to Joss and them.
Spoilers:  Something Blue
Summary:  Willow battles her demon within and makes a decision that will change her entire life.
Notes1:  This is a kinda dark fic...I'm not real sure about this one.  And in this story Spike has never been chipped.
Feedback: Please, pretty please.  I wan't to know what you think, is it any good.  ladyofsilver@h...
Notes2:  Oh, and the song is called Crawling by Linkin Park.
 
 
 

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

It's dark here in this place.  I don't even know what this place is, but its dark and I don't like it.  This darkness engulfs me and wraps around me like
a cold blanket.  And it's cold.

I feel my body, I feel the pain that this, my body, is feeling and yet I'm apart from it.  Detached.  The pain that radiates around my entire body,
starting from my head and all the way down to my toes and yet most of it is centered around my neck.  Over all the pain I feel the cold.  This creeping coldness that is my body.

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, Confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling

All of a sudden I feel my body.  It's heavy and it pulls what is *me* down. I am aware of my fingers and my toes and my pain and all the coldness around me.  I am also aware of something in me that trying to take over.  It's powerful and it's strong and it's *evil*.

And then it's controlling and I'm in the backseat of my life.  I open my eyes and I can see everything around me.  I see the stone walls of a crypt
and I see the vague whispers of spider webs hanging from the corners.  I see that the door is tightly shut and I see a male form in the corner.
Watching, staring, waiting.

Closing my eyes again, I concentrate on the battle within me.  I feel this evil, this demon inside me, clawing me, trying to gain control.  And I am to
tired to fight.  In that one moment of weakness the demon takes control and I feel as if I'm being pushed back and caged in.  The demon is in charge now.

I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much
pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Inside myself, watching through the demons view, I see what my body does, but I have no control.  Wrapped up in this darkness that is slowly taking over and covering me I feel a push as if the demon is trying to push me out of this body that we share.  It's familiar and I know what the demon will try to do.

It will prey on my weaknesses and it will try to convince me to just let go. And I think to my self, Willow, why don't you just let go?  The demon will
take care of us, will protect us.  And yet a part of what is still me cries out NO and fights.

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...

There's pain, endless horrible pain as the demon tries to push me out, tries to obliterate what is still good in me.  Tiny pinpricks that feel like
needles all around me and yet it's only a feeling that intensifies as I fight against it.

Then all of a sudden I feel a place within my self that is calming, perhaps even safe.  Spiraling out of control and look within for that calming place,
and opening up my eyes I see my demon.  She's beautiful and she's horrifying all at the same time.  And she's me.

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much
pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

I feel so lost in my safe haven.  Here I am facing myself, my demon.  And she keeps say these vicious things to me.  And yet...I feel as if they're
the truth.  I'm aware of the fact that she's preying on my insecurities.

"Give up Willow."

"Why, I don't want to.  I don't want to be evil.  I've seen what evil me can do.  Remember Vamp Willow?"

"Yes, I remember, and so do you..."

"Didn't I already say that?"

"Yes, but do you remember what you felt.  Envy, attraction, longing to be like her.  To just let go, to be free.  With out remorse, without guilt or
worry about your actions."

She said it so charmingly, so persuasively.  I could feel myself weakening toward her words.  And then she went on the attack.

"Besides, don't you want to take revenge?"

"Revenge?"

"Yes, revenge against the slayer, revenge against Xander, against everyone."

"For what?"

"For ignoring us, for neglecting us, for leaving us alone to deal with our pain.  For not being there for us."

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

I saw the truth in what she was saying.  I saw my life through her vision. I saw Buffy, my best friend leaving me to spend precious time with Riley.  I saw my best friend since infancy, Xander, walking away with a casual disregard for my pain to have sex with Anya.  And then I saw the censure in
their eyes as they lectured me about my botched spell.  And I heard my demon whisper, "You could have been happy, you could have gotten over all that pain if they had just been there for you."

Shaking my head I yelled out, "NO!  That's not how it is.  They're not my enemies.  They are my friends.  They will always be there for me."

"Are you sure?" she whispered.  "Perhaps your only good for one thing, perhaps they only keep you around for your powers.  What else good are you
to them."

"I'm their friend.  I'm there for them when they need me.  And my powers help them.  They need me for my friendship."  And I felt a surge of
unleashed strength in me come forth to push the demon back, back into the recesses of my mind and heart.

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, Confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling

I felt my soul take control back again and yet in the back of my head I could hear my demon laugh and say perhaps next time I will be back.  You
won't always be so strong, Willow, you *can't* always be so strong.

Opening up my eyes to the real world, to the crypt I looked at my lover and he held out his hand.  Sitting up, I shake my head and take an un- needed breath into my dead lungs.  Getting off of the stone bed I walk over to him and bury myself into his embrace.  He's strong, he's powerful.  He will protect me from all that will hurt me.  And my demon roared with mirth, because my lover can't fight my demon for me.  She will always be there in the back of my mind.  Pulling at my soul to give up, to let go, to let her take control.

And as Spike and I walked out into the night I awknowledged that I was a vampire with a soul.  And all the while that my soul was in control I
struggled with this all consuming pain of my demon trying to take control.

"Are you ready, pet?"  Spike asked me, his voice so familiar, so loved. Deep and husky with his accent and his scent of whiskey and smoke enveloping me.

"Read?"  I asked with a bit of confusion.

"Ready to go over to the watcher's home?"

Two seconds ticked by and I realized what he was really asking me.  Looking deep within myself I saw this great love that I had just for him.  And I
knew I would do anything for him, anything.  Even kill my friends, just so I could stay with him.  To be by his side I had to act as if I didn't have a
soul, I had to kill all my closest friends.

Sighing, I replied, "Whenever you are, lover, whenever you are."

And the demon inside laughed and said, "Soon, you won't be able to fight me. And then I'll have control.  I will be the one to have him all to myself."

Smirking to myself I said to my demon, "No, you won't because I'll do anything to be with him.  Even face the guilt and the pain of their deaths.
For the rest of my life if I have to."

"Well see, Willow.  We will see."  And my demon chuckled all the while pulling at my soul to give in as I walked into the night with my dark love.

End

back