"Wills, we should get going.  It's going to be dark soon and I wanted to make it back to the mansion before the sun comes down.  Besides, Spike will have a coronary if you're not back before dusk."  Buffy said to the red head that leaned over the still figure of Amy.

It had been three days, since they had found the girl unconscious in a dark corner of the UC Sunnydale campus.  Neither of them was still completely sure what had happened to her, or how she had left Giles' apartment unnoticed.  It was obvious that she had not been taken forcefully, any sounds of a fight or a struggle would have easily caught their attention.  She had to have left on her own accord, but after having seen the fear in her eyes when she went to them they all knew that this was not completely true.  Giles reasoned that the mark on her must have been a link to the God Bartos and that he summoned her using it as an anchor.  They had all agreed with him, knowing that it was the only possible way that Amy would have let herself be taken.

Willow continued to blame herself for the condition of her friend.  She should have been awake, she should have been paying more attention to Amy, she should never have left the girls side.  All the should'ves and could'ves drove Willow crazy in her waking time and painted the nightmares in her sleep.  She would stop at nothing to assure the girls safety, even if it meant her own demise.  She had let Amy down and she was going to make everything right again.  No matter the cost.

"She looks so peaceful."  Willow said of the thin girl in the large hospital bed.  She seemed to disappear into the whiteness of the blankets surrounding her.  Everywhere that you would look there was another tube or IV connected to the girl.  Willow felt the familiar feel of wetness swell up in her eyes.  She had been on an emotional roller coaster the past couple of days and had made no effort to conceal the flood of tears that would overcome her from time to time.  They were becoming a routine with her lately.  She hated feeling so weak and so out of control, but she needed this.  She needed to be taken care of and coddled.  She had been surprised at the eagerness with which her friends turned the table.  They had all taken the task of protecting her physically and emotional whole-heartedly and eased her pain in ways that they would never understand.

She wiped the salty tears from her flushed cheeks.  Now, however as she looked at the pale blonde lying helpless, it was time for Willow to be strong.  For her, for all of them.  She knew what she was going to have to face and she was not about to cower in the face of it.  She would not show the God that sought her her weaknesses.  She would not make it easy for him to get what he wanted and she would stop him.  It was all up to her and she wanted her friends to have faith that she could handle it.  So now was the time to control her helplessness and turn her face into permanent resolve.  She would not fail them, she would not fail Amy most of all she would not fail herself.

"I will bring you back."  She whispered to the girl hoping that somewhere in her subconscious she would hear her.  She planted a feathery kiss on her forehead before she turned to follow Buffy out of the hospital.  Riley and Cordelia waited for them outside of the ICU.  When Cordelia saw Willow she wrapped her arm around the girls sagging shoulders and walked like that with her until they made it the car that awaited them outside.

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The cloaked figure stood safely hidden in the shadows just outside of the hospital.  She watched as the red head made her way out of the hospital in the arms of the seer.  The slayer walked hand in hand with the former army commando and they made their way obliviously to their car at the far end of the parking lot.

"Why is she not with us yet?  The time is drawing near." An angry voice called out from within the mind of the enshrouded figure.

"It is not easy.  They will not leave her alone."

"You are not trying hard enough.  Do whatever it takes.  She must be prepared for the ritual.  We have 3 days."

"Those that have her are strong.  They are much smarter than I had originally suspected.  They found out our plans much too easily."

"They are of no consequence, or importance.  Except of course for the undead one, he is imperative to the becoming."

"Their love for each other is strong, just as I had known, but it is much stronger than anticipated."

"Which will make it all the much sweeter when she kills him."

"You are not worried that their bond is too strong, Master?"

"Nonsense, the witch and the vampire are strong, but I am far stronger.  I will have the fiery one and then the three shall become one and rule for all eternity.  Let it be so."

"Yes, as you wish Master."  The cloaked figure slipped out of the shadows as day became night.

-------------------------------------------

"How is she?"  Spike asked Buffy as the group made its way back into the mansion.  He tried not to get Willows attention, he could see by the puffiness around her eyes that she had been crying again and he didn't want to make her do so again.

Buffy looked at him surprised by his concern.  Not only that but he was being polite, to her, the strangeness of it all somehow fit their situation.  Since Willow had her outburst days earlier they had all made a real effort to get along.  There was much less yelling and name-calling not only because of Willows wishes but because the brevity of the situation had called for it.  They had to be united if they were going to help save Willow and the others.  So they had adjusted to each other and in many ways they were closer than they had ever been, possibly more than they would ever be again.

"Still the same.  The doctors said that there was no change."

"How about Willow?"

"Do you have to ask?  Look at her, she's beating herself up over this."

Spike looked over to the pale creature sitting in the large leather armchair in front of the marble fireplace.  The flickering fire played shadows about her face that darkened her usually bright features.

"Maybe she shouldn't go see Amy anymore."  Spike said concerned that it was doing her more harm than good.

"Yeah, I'd like to see you try and stop her."  Xander said joining their conversation. "You have seen the famous resolve face?  When it makes an appearance the best thing that you can do is concede or you'll have a very angry witch on your hands.  And we've all seen what that can mean."

"He's right", Riley let in. "It has to be hard on her to see Amy like that, especially if she blames herself but we can't very well deny her the right to see the girl."

"Besides I think that each time she sees Amy she recovers a little more of her strength.  She is determined to get vengeance for the harm done to her and I saw a flicker of determination pass through her today in the hospital.  She is preparing herself."  Buffy finished.

"I still don't like the idea of her going after this asshole."  Spike said quirking up his eyebrows in defiance.

"Well, that's her idea.  We're are still trying to make another plan.  Don't worry Spike that is the last thing that any of us want.  Willow will be kept out of harms way."  Buffy put a concerned hand on Spikes shoulder and he unconsciously stiffened his body at her unfamiliar touch.  The action had been automatic; she had not even stopped to think who it was that she was comforting.  When she realized she moved her hand away from him nervously.  Her blue eyes met his as a blush crept into her cheeks.  "Sorry.  Forgot who you were for a second there." She told him.

"That's alright Slayer.  I think all of us have forgotten who we are lately.  Let's just play it off to another one of those odd hellmouth occurrences and leave it at that." To her surprise Spike was smiling at her.  It seemed odd and out of place to her.  This was an action that was usually reserved only for Willow.  It looked good on him she decided as she flashed him one of her own smiles.

Behind them Riley and Xander tried to shake off their disbelief.

"Did I just see that?"  Riley asked.

"Let's just pretend that it didn't happen and then maybe we can lead a normal life."

"Yeah, I agree.  That was scary."

"What was scary?  I didn't see anything."  Xander said playing up the denial act for all it was worth.

"What were we talking about?"  Riley said joining in his farce.

"Don't know.  Want to go play some Nintendo?"

"Sounds good."  They both left Buffy and Spike alone in the parlor of the mansion as they headed off to their video games.

"Those two are hopeless."  Buffy said.

"Tell me about it."  Spike agreed as they walked into the living room to join the others.

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"Hey Tara.  It's so great to here your voice.  How are your parents?"

"Great Will.  They are acting all concerned and happy to see me.  It's a little weird but I am kind of liking it."  Tara answered Willow. "How about you?  You okay?"  Willow could here the concern in her girlfriends' voice even through the phone line.

"I'm fine.  Who wouldn't be with these guys following me everywhere?  It's a miracle they allow me to go to the bathroom by myself."  Willow said loud enough so the group around the room could here her.

"That wasn't my choice, luv.  I voted for supervised bathroom visits but was out voted.  Go figure."

Willow laughed, "You would."

"Can't have some nasty porcelain accident for our Willow."  Xander agreed.

"What's going to happen in the bathroom is the toilet going to swallow her up?  Get real, you guys just wanted to see her naked."  Cordelia said rolling her eyes at them.

"Yeah, and your point is?"  Anya elbowed Xander and scolded him with a look. "Ah, honey you know you're the only one that I want to see naked.  You and Julia Roberts."

"Xander!"  Anya said elbowing him one more time as he grabbed her and pulled her onto his lap.

Willow smiled at the affection that the two showed for each other.  There was no mistaking what they felt.  She turned her attention back to the phone in her hand.

"When are you going to come back and save me from all this?"  She asked Tara jokingly.

"Do you want me to come home early?  Because I can catch a plane this afternoon and be there by tonight."

"No, Tara stay with your parents.  I am glad that you are getting along.  We've got this under control here."

"You're sure?"

"Positive"

"I feel bad not being there for you.  I miss you so much."

"I miss you too, but don't worry about it.  Your always with me, you know that."

On the other line of the phone the girl nod silently.

"I love you, Willow."

"I love you too, Tara.  See you soon." With that Willow hung up the phone and went to join the game of monopoly that she had left earlier to talk with Tara.  "So where was I?"

"I believe you were just about to collect from Spike for landing on Park Place."  Angel said reminding them of where the game had left off.

"Yeah, fork it over Blondie."

"But I don't have enough."

"Too bad, Jr.  Your ass is mine."  Willow said looking at him with a satisfied grin.

"Thanks a lot for all your help Peaches.  I'll remember this."

"Hey, it's not my fault you landed on Park Place.  She's the one with all the real estate on there."

"Fine, whatever this game is stupid."  Spike said throwing the colorful paper money at Willow in fan of confetti.  He stood up and walked away from the table sulking. "I'm going for a smoke."

"You big baby."  Willow called after him.  The others laughed.

The group's laughter rang through the courtyard just outside of the mansion, where a cloaked figure with glowing red eyes could be seen slinking away into the night.

----------------------------------------------------

Spike lit his cigarette; the flare of the lighter lit up the darkened courtyard.  He stared up at the sky and gazed at the stars overhead.  The only light that could be seen was coming from the sliver of the moon over head.  He leaned his thin form against the pillar that framed the door of the mansion.  Above him he could see a falling star making its decent from the heavens.  He closed his eyes to the sight and made a wish.  It was not like him to succumb to the romanticism of superstition but he reasoned to himself that he had nothing to loose with a little wishful thinking.

He opened his eyes again to look at the stars.  The falling star had disappeared and he scanned the remainder of the sky making out the constellations. He thought back to the time when Angelus had first sired him.  He and Drusilla had gone out to hunt and afterwards had sat outside in the moonlight gazing at the stars.

She had named off the constellations to him one by one and had gone into elaborate stories about the origins of each one.  He remembered it as if it were yesterday.  The soothing melody of her voice;  the smooth porcelain of her skin under the moonlight; the deep brown pools of her eyes as she looked up at the stars with a childish gleam; the brown curls of her hair intertwined in his fingers as he lovingly caressed it and the blood red of her lips as she bit gently into them in her concentrated state.  But it was not yesterday.  It was far longer, a lifetime ago.  Another lifetime, when he was another person, another thing.

He did not long for her anymore, he rarely thought of her these days.  But when he looked up at the twinkling stars in the sky at night he couldn't help but think of his dark princess.  Especially her ranting about how they sang to her.  He wondered how she was doing, if she was all right.  His hatred for her had slowly subsided with Willows help.  Now he was concerned about her and missed her as one would miss a sister.  He had another princess now and she outshone even the ethereal stars in the heavens.

---------------------------------------

"Oh Goddess what is happening?  It hurts so much", Spike heard Willow and he dropped his cigarette and ran back into the house.

When he entered the living room he saw everyone huddled around Willow.  She was on the floor clutching on to her neck with her hands crying and moaning.  He pushed everyone aside gruffly as he knelt down by her side.

"Willow?  What is it what's wrong?"

Her pain filled emerald eyes looked up at him pleadingly. "Oh Spike it's burning.  My neck it's on fire.  Help me please."

He cradled her in his arms and rocked her back and forth.

"What's going on?"  He asked the others.

They all shrugged and looked around at each other for an explanation.

"One minute she was sitting there laughing and joking around and then she was howling in pain."  Anya finally answered him. "We don't know what happened to her."

Spike lifted Willow's chin so that she was looking at him.

"Willow, sweetheart, tell me what to do."  His eyes began to swell up with redness as small trickles of blood began to run down his cheek.  He felt like sobbing in her arms.  He felt like holding her and protecting her for always.  But he needed to know how to take the pain away. "Let me see.  Let me see where it hurts."

Willow shook her head vigorously afraid that if she were to let go of her neck the pain would become more than she could bear.  Finally, it was gone, the constant burning that she had felt subsided do a dull throb.  She let out a sigh of relief and let her hand fall from her neck.

"All better now."  She said before falling asleep in Spike's arms.

Spike looked down at her with blood rimmed eyes.  Even with the tears blurring his vision he could make out the mark on her neck.

"Oh my God."  Cordelia gasped.

"Is that what I think it is?" Riley asked.  On the nape of Willows neck just below the auburn of her hair was the unmistakable sign of the upside down pentagram, just as it had appeared on all the other girls.  Only this one was much bigger and more elaborate, which would account for the pain that Willow had felt as she was branded from afar.

"Fraid so."  Xander replied bowing his head down in defeat.  He feared that all that they had been doing to keep her protected had been for nothing.  Now that he saw the mark on his best friend appear as if out of nowhere it made him believe that their fight was all but lost.  He felt Anya put her hand on his arm in a gesture of concern.

"It's not over yet baby.  We can still save her."  She said.  He nod to her silently wanting to believe her but doubting her words just the same.

Spike looked up towards the ceiling as if he were searching for something unseen to the others.  The sleeping girl lay limply in his arms and he cradled her closer.

"You will not get her."  He shouted towards the ceiling. "You can not have her you bloody bastard.  I will not let you have her."  The tears fell from his face and left red blotches on the white of Willows skin as he yelled his defiance to the being they had not yet discovered.

"We.. will not let you have her."  Angel corrected him stepping behind him and helping his childe off of the ground.  He silently led Spike upstairs with Willow still in his arms.

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She stood just beyond the French double doors; outside the horizon glowed a bright magenta warning the world that the dawn was fast approaching.  He looked towards the horizon the fear dropping to the pit of his stomach.  He looked at her face searching for some kind of release.  She only smiled at him and stretched her arm out for him to take her hand.  He hesitated, not wanting to face the sun, not knowing how he would react to feel its warm light on his pale skin.  He looked to her once again, she was radiant, brighter than a thousand suns.  The long white wisp of her dress placed its feather soft kiss on her skin as the breeze rustled it lightly.  The wind wound around her auburn tresses and they flitted with them in a breath-taking dance.  The sparkling emeralds of her eyes pierced through the lifting morning fog and cut through his cerulean eyes and saw into his soul.

She beckoned him with her perfectly manicured hand once more.  Mesmerized by the beauty that she radiated he placed his hand in hers and allowed her to lead him towards the horizon.  He could feel the cold wet ground covered in dew tickle his bare feet as he walked.  He no longer had any fear the link that her hand offered him was enough for him to loose himself in her essence.  She stopped at the edge of the hill that looked down at the still sleeping town.  The magenta of the sky began to change to a bright orange as the fiery orb rose to their East.  He braced himself for the fate which was to come but holding on to her hand he knew that he could face it.

The light of the sun was blinding now, it had made its way fully eradicating any remains of the night sky with it.  He squinted, as the brightness of it was more than he could bear.  He turned to her and saw the light rise onto her face and brighten the features that only an entity such as the night could cloud.  She closed her eyes and lifted her chin to greet the warmth of the God Apollo as he rode his fiery chariot onto the sky.  The red of her hair flared like a raging fire burning at its peak.  She was his Goddess, his Queen, the reason that the sun awoke from its slumber in the morning and why the stars poked their heads out to play at night.  The planets themselves moved in her honor and the moon hung only to light her way.

He had already shared so much with this incredible creature by his side and now as he shaded his tender eyes from the first rays that he had seen in over 175 years he knew that she was his eternity.  She was his forever and he would never let her go.  He turned to her, daring to break the spell that the sun had over her, and took her lovingly in his arms.  The collision of warm lips against warm threatened to emblazon them with their passion.  He deepened his labial hold on her and his wet tongue crept into the depths of her mouth searching hers out.  His lungs felt as if they were going to explode from lack of air and burned as she moaned into his mouth.

"Spike," She breathed when he released his hold on her, her eyes still closed to the world.

"Spike" she said to him in a breathless whisper as she began to fade away from him.

"Spike" again he heard her melodic voice sing to him from a distance.  The world around him began to cave in on itself, as he stood there dumbfounded from having lost her.

"Spike", he heard her but he could not see her.  He stood in a blackened void, the panoramic landscape that had once surrounded him gone.

"Spike!" he opened his eyes and jumped when he saw Willow staring at him.  He sat straight up in the chair that he had fallen asleep in.  She walked back to the mattress on the floor and sat down Indian style.  She regarded him with impish curiosity as she sat amongst the cream colored satin wearing one his green silk shirts.  "Must have been some dream."

"Yeah." He said looking away from her in the fear that his eyes would reveal all that he had seen.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Nah, it's just a dream.  Nothing that could ever really happen."  He said unable to hide the disappointment in his voice.

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The Scoobies sat around the large sitting room of the mansion.  The fire in the old marble fireplace roared and spread its warmth throughout the chill that had previously occupied the room.  They all looked at Willow expectant to hear why she had asked that they all assemble in the room.  The girl obviously had something to say to them all and they were eagerly waiting.

Willow took a deep needed breath before she began to speak to them.

"I know what has to be done to get rid of Bartos."

Their looks urged her to continue.

"I have to go to him." She said plainly.

"What?  No way Will you can't just turn yourself in to him and even if you could you don't even know where he is."  Buffy said shocked that the girl had even suggested such a thing.

"I know where he is"

"How?  Where?"

She ran a hand over the mark that violated the skin of her neck.

"We are linked.  I can feel him.  He is calling to me and I have to go to him."

"I don't know if that thing has a direct link to your mental capacity but you've obviously gone wacko."  Xander said.

"No, I finally see what has to been done."

"Willow you're not making any sense.  If you go to him it's all over.  World destruction, pain, anguish etc. etc. you read it all yourself."  Buffy reasoned with her.

"He's going to get me one way or the other and there is nothing that any of you can do to stop it.  If I go to him willingly then I can stop him.  If he calls me, like he did Amy, I will be powerless to stop him."

"Luv, you can't do this.  We've almost worked out a way for us, all of us to kill him, just give us some more time.  You can't put yourself in that position, I..we can't lose you."

"Spike, it's the only way."

"What do you have planned?"  Giles asked.

"I go to him, well not actually him but to the person that summoned him.  He is trapped inside until the night of Samhain and then he will be released to complete the joining.  That is when he is most vulnerable.  First, the vessel must be killed and then he can be vanquished."

"Wait.. how do you know all this?  I mean it all sounds fine and dandy but how do you know?  Maybe your wrong."  Buffy asked concerned for her friend.

"I saw it in a vision."

"Whoa, now you're having visions.  Will maybe you should lay down for awhile and clear your head."  Xander said denying the credibility of Willow's information.

"Xander, I am thinking clearly for the first time in days.  I see now that this is my destiny and I cannot deny it.  When he marked me I was flooded with all this information.  At first I couldn't make any sense out of it all but now….now it all comes together in my head."

"What do you need from us?"  Giles asked knowing full well that what the girl said was right.

"There is a dagger.  The dagger of Cryrras it is the only thing that can kill the vessel, I need you to find it.  I also made a list of supplies that I would need to perform the spell to destroy him.  We don’t have much time and I need all of these things if it's going to work."

"Dagger of Cryrras, that has been lost for centuries there is no possible way that we can find it in time.  It is said to be housed with some monk in Italy."

"Actually, it was guarded by a tribe of gypsies in the lower part of Romania, but they have not had it for over 90 years now."

"Well then where is it?"  We have less than two days and it seems a little hopeless."  Giles said wondering how the girl knew all of this.

Willow turned her gaze towards Angel who had begun to stare at his feet and fidget with his fingers uncomfortably.

"Angel."

He looked up at her trying not to meet her eyes with his.

"I don't know where it is." He stammered.

"I know that you have it Angel."

"I don't."

"You're a terrible liar.  You can't even look me straight in the face.  I need it Angel."

He got up from where he sat and knelt before her in one fluid motion.  He took her small hands in his and looked up to her with pleading eyes.  She had never seen such sadness in him before.  Yes, he spent most of his days pining with regret but never had his eyes been so clouded with pain.  He begged her with the dark brown circles of his eyes.

"Please Willow don't do this.  I'll do it, I know what has to be done."

"Angel," she stroked the dark curls of his hair before bringing her hand to his cheek.  He unconsciously leaned his head into the warmth of her touch.  Spike watched the exchange with understanding in his eyes.  His sire had become very fond of the small witch and would risk as much as he would to keep her safe.  He could not be jealous, he knew that Angel's heart belonged to Cordelia but he was touched by the concern that he showed for the woman that he loved. "You can't always be the one to save the world all by yourself.  I have to do this.  He would destroy you and I could not live with that."

He nod into her hand and slowly lifted himself up from his place at her feet.  He walked towards the staircase and disappeared at the top of them.  Cordelia looked after his hunched form as he made his way upstairs and stood up quickly to follow him.

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She found him sitting on his bed holding something wrapped in black cloth in his hands.  He looked up at her as she walked in and a single blood tear ran down the length of his cheek.  She sat down next to him on the edge of the bed and brought her hand up to wipe away the offending tear.

"You care about her a lot don't you?"

"Yes", he whispered looking up at her before looking back down at what he held in his hands.  "Almost as much as I care about you."

She opened her mouth in mute surprise, hoping that she had really heard what he said.

"What?" she asked him shakily.  She could feel the tears begin to well up in her.

He put the black bundle down on the bed beside him and grabbed onto her hand.

"She is very special to me, but you, you are the only one that I have in here."  He lifted her hand to his chest where his heart was.  He looked up into her tearful eyes and he saw her acceptance there.  He leaned into her and took her mouth in a searing kiss.

When he pulled away from her he saw the happy smile that painted his lips and couldn't help the one that he had.

"It's about time you came to your senses."  She moved towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck.  She didn't want to let him go.  She finally had him and now they both were complete.

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Willow lifted her gaze from the light of the fire as she heard footsteps on the stairs.  The group had stayed eerily quiet since the two had made their way upstairs.  She smiled to herself as she noticed that Angel and Cordelia were holding hands as they made their way to join them.

Angel stopped in front of her and held out a bundle in his hand for her to take.

"I hope you know what you're doing."

"Trust me." She told him taking it from her hands.  She unwrapped the black cloth to reveal the platinum blade that was hidden inside.  She traced her hand over the elaborate engravings that marred the polished ivory of the handle.  She lifted the blade up and it caught the fire in an illuminous glint.

"I do."  He finished before finding a seat and bringing Cordelia down on top of him.  Spike looked at the former cheerleader and they shared a knowing smile.  He could only imagine what had transpired between the two upstairs but he knew it was as it should be.  They would make each other happy and that was all that mattered.

"So, I take it that you have seen the vessel in your..um..in your visions?"  Giles asked.  Willow looked at him, she was a bit taken aback by how easily he had accepted the whole situation.  He had become a very important father figure in her life and it touched her how he had entrusted her with the task unquestioningly

"Yes, I have."

"So you know who this creepy thing is?"  Buffy asked.

"Yes."

"Are you going to let the rest of us in on this little secret or are we supposed to guess."  Xander asked leaning forward in his chair.

Willow paused for a moment, knowing well the reaction that she would get once she had revealed what she knew.  She could not hide it from them forever and it was better that they knew now so that they could prepare themselves for the repercussions of what had to be done. "Tara."  She said to them simply.
 

~Part 8~ Full Circle

Confusion and harried comments erupted around the room.  Willow sat patiently waiting for all of them to calm down.

"Tara?  But..but how?  Why?"  Xander finally asked her.

"Only she can answer that."  Willow said calmly.

"This can't be right.  She's good, she's one of us.  She's been helping us for over a year.  No, I can't believe that." Riley said still in shock by what Willow had revealed.

"It's true.  I saw her."

"But she' s with her parents."  Buffy said trying to find any excuse to deny what she had heard.

"Apparently, she has been lying to all of us about more than one thing then."  Spike said defending Willow.  He knew that even though the girl's face was set in an unreadable calm that she must have been breaking apart inside.  To know that the person that she had given her self to could possible turn on them in such an evil way.

"I knew there was something weird about her."  Anya said reasoning it to herself.

"Anya!  This is Tara we're talking about.  Sweet, quiet innocent little Tara.  How can you say that?"  Buffy asked.

"Look Buffy, I know that you're in shock but you have to admit that there was always something a little off about her.  I mean…no offense Willow.. but she never really belonged."  Anya said.  " I always sensed something about her but I guess she had a good way of masking her true intentions."

"To all of us."  Willow said still not breaking the façade that she had built up.

"Oh Will, this must really be killing you."

"Xander, this is something that I have to deal with. Besides, it's not the first time that someone I love has betrayed my trust.  I guess maybe it's just a little less shocking once you've been through it before."

At Willows response Spike could feel his heart breaking into a thousand pieces.  He had tried so hard for so long to help her come to terms and move past the wolf's betrayal.  Now here she was again in the same position and all the old wounds were opening up for her again.  He knew that she was in much more pain than she led on but she had to be strong, for them.

"This is just too much to register all at once."  Buffy said shaking her head. "I can’t believe that she would do something like this.  I mean her mind has to be a little bit..you know."  She moved her finger in a circle just next to her ear to signify what she was thinking.

"Well, the girl obviously does not know the full magnitude of what she has unleashed."  Giles reasoned.

"Or maybe she does and she just doesn't care."  Willow finished.

At that Cordelia stood up from her place on Angels' lap and made her way towards he friend.  She placed her hand on Willows shoulder. "I'm sorry, Will.  I know that she meant a lot to you."  She told her sadly.

"She still does."  Willow commented her voice barely above a whisper.  But they all heard her and fell quiet, their heads falling in pity for the girl.

"Will you be able to do this.  I mean we'll all understand if you can't.  Maybe some one else can…well you know."  She brought her hand up and made a stabbing motion with it.

"Delia, I can do this." She said almost amused at the way that she expressed herself.  "I have to.  There is no other way."  She said with determination in her voice, even if it was lacking in her heart.

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Tara stood at the archway of the damp cave looking out into the crashing waves outside.  She was draped in her black ceremonial cloak but had finally let the hood fall from her head.  There was no point in hiding anymore, she knew that by now they had all discovered her part in all that was occurring.  She had made sure that Willow saw everything when she had marked her before.  No signs of the crazed God that took residence could be seen in the lines of her face.  Her eyes had lost the red glow that they had taken since she had summoned him and now held the familiar glint that they had been before.  Bartos was resting and had been for sometime, these were the only instances when the girl was released from the stranglehold that he had on her.

The fire that she had built for warmth played devilish shadows around her and on her face.  She had made sure to take the final step that was needed of her when Bartos was resting.  It was the only way that she could do so and send Willow the images without his knowledge.  She felt the beast stirring inside of her, he was preparing himself.  She masked the thoughts that ran through her head and blanked her mind in expectation of him.  She could not allow him to see the hurt inside of her, nor could he be aware of feelings of doubt and regret that she had.  It was too late for her already but she had to make sure that it wasn't too late for the rest of them.  She would die tomorrow.  A brave calm spread through her with that realization.  She would finally be at peace and be rid of the monster that plagued her.  She just hoped that Willow had the strength in her needed to complete the task.  Somehow, she knew that she did.

"You have done what is needed of you?"  She heard the gruff voice inside her ask.

"Yes, master it is complete.  She will be ours when the moon is high."

"Good.  You have done well witch.  You shall reap the rewards of freeing me.  You will have the heart of your love forever linked to yours as you shall have mine.  Together no one will be able to stop us from claiming what I have so long sought."

"Yes, master."  She pulled at the hood of the cloak and let it envelop her head once more.  The light hazel green of her eyes were once again replaced by the glowing red of Bartos as she let him take her fully.

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Willow was interrupted from her meditation by a soft knock at the door.  She heard the knob turn and looked towards the archway in time to see Spike walk hesitantly in.

"Am I interrupting you?"

"No, I was just clearing my mind."

"I am here you know?  If you need to talk."

"I know.  There will be plenty time for all of that later."

"I'm sorry."

She smiled at him weakly.

"For what?"

"That you have to be the one to bear all this.  That the burden has fallen on you."

"We all have to bear this burden."

"You know what I mean.  I know this is not as easy on you as you would like us to believe."

"I never could hide anything from you could I?"

"Not on your life babe." He said almost jokingly.  Almost, but not quite.

"You have to be strong for this Spike.  I know you feel like you have to protect me.  But I have to do this.  Alone."

"You're never alone, Red.  Haven't you figured that out by now?  You have us all with you.  Even the other morons, scary as that may seem."

"You know you love them, stop playing the tough, mean old vampire.  Your as mushy as Angel deep down inside."

"Shhh, luv" he said holding his finger to his mouth,"My secret will get out."

"It's safe with me."

An uncomfortable silence fell over the room as the two looked at each other.  They tried to communicate all that they felt for each other in the bond of that gaze.

"So now what?"  Spike asked clearing his throat.

"Now, we wait and tomorrow it will all be over."

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"I have all the things that Willow asked for."  Anya said walking in the door with Xander following closely behind her.  She placed the brown bag with the necessary contents on the table of the living room.

"I still don't think that we should let her go through with this."  Buffy spoke up as the couple sat down on the leather love seat next to her position on the floor.
"It is what she wants Buffy.  We have to respect her wishes.  She knows what she is doing."

"But why Giles?  How can we just let her do this alone?"

"Because she is the only one that can."

"I don't believe that.  I think that she is taking all of this on herself to make it easier on the rest of us.  We have to at least be there for support."

"Buffy she has made it perfectly clear.  Besides she has developed her power and become a very strong Wiccan, I think that she is capable of doing this.  I know that it is hard for you to accept but our Willow is different.  Somewhere along the way when we weren't looking she grew up."  Giles stood up and walked to the roaring fireplace.  He took his glasses off and rubbed the tiredness from his eyes before placing them securely on again.

"I'm going to rue the day that I said this."  Spike threw in, "But I agree with Slutty.  We can't let her go alone."

"Thanks, I think."  Buffy said.

"I for one am not going to let her walk into the claws of the bloody Bartos asshole."

"So what do we do?"  Angel asked agreeing with is childe.

"We follow her.  Even if she denies it, she is going to need us there.  What if she can't go through with killing Tara, one of is going to have to do it?  I, for one, know how difficult it is to have to kill someone that you love."  She looked sadly at Angel who acknowledged her with complete understanding of what her words were saying to them. "It won't be easy and maybe with us there it will be…I don't know easier somehow."

"Either way it won't be easy, but I am not going to go against her wishes.  It could be detrimental to her."

"How Giles?  How can it possibly make things any worse."

"I don't know but I want no part of it."  He said his voice tinged with unfamiliar anger.

"Me neither."  Xander chimed in. "She told us not to interfere and I trust her completely.  I am not too keen on the idea of letting her do this alone but…." He didn't finish his statement.

"I agree with Xander."  Cordelia said.  He looked at her with shock in his eyes. "I know it's weird that he says something that actually makes sense but it has been known to happen.  I don't think we should get used to it, though."

"I'm staying too."  Anya said.

"Me five" Riley concluded.
Buffy looked at him a bit betrayed that he wasn't on the same page as her.

"Babe, they're right.  I don't want to be an unneeded distraction.  Maybe we should let her be."

"Maybe the five of you are too scared to do this but I am not going to sit by and watch this happen."

"It has nothing to do with fear Buff.  I would stare straight into this nasty's eyes and rip his throat out if it meant protecting our Will.  But by the same token, I will stay here and let her do what she has to if it's what she needs of me."

"Wow, Xander's on roll today."

"See Cordy I'm not totally useless."

"The verdict is still out on that one."  Spike said rolling his blue eyes towards the sky.

"I'll pretend that you didn't say that."

"Okay, so who's with me."  Buffy asked trying to break into the inevitable bickering that would resume.

"I am" Angel said standing up.

"You bet your ass I am."  Spike said, "Oh and Slayer?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't let this get out I have a reputation to uphold you know."

"Yeah, big bad Spike and his gums of death.  Quite a reputation you've built for yourself there Blondie."  Xander retorted.

"Watch your mouth chubs or I'm going to have to watch it for you."

"Uh-oh I am sooo scared.  Spike's angry.  You know with that chip in your head your about as threatening as a puppy."

"What did I do to deserve this?"

"A century or so of hunting and torturing innocent humans comes to mind."  Xander said.  Spike turned to him and let out a feral growl. "Just a thought I was forming, nothing definite on that yet."

"Buffy I still don't think that you should do this."  Giles said ignoring the usual Xander and Spike banter.

"Heard and noted, Giles.  I'll file it with all your other disapproval's."

"Must be a big file."  Giles said sarcastically.

"Ha, Giles, again with the humor.  Your getting better and better at that."

"Well, Xander it is rather difficult to hang around all of you all the time and not hone my defense mechanisms."

"Wow, Giles I think I like this new mean you.  It sticks much better than stuffy librarian.  Maybe now we can get you out of all that tweed."

"Thanks for the fashion insight Cordelia."

"You know me always making myself useful."

"I would say so.  About as useful as a swimsuit in the snow."

"That hurt Giles really."  She said her expression clearly showing that she was not.

"Are you guys fighting again?"  Willow called as she made her way downstairs.

"No, Mother."  Xander called back to her.

"Good.  I didn't want to have to put any of you in the time out chair." She laughed at her own joke.

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"This is all of it." Willow said after inspecting the contents of the brown bag that Anya had brought with her. "Anya can you help me make the necessary preparations?"

"Of course."  The two girls disappeared into the kitchen.

When they were gone Buffy spoke up,"So that's it.  It's almost dawn.  Just after she leaves we will follow her closely."

The two that were going to join her nod their agreement.

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"You know that Buffy, Spike and Angel are going to go after you right?"

"Yes."

"You're not going to stop them?"

"Do you think that I could even if I tried?  They are the most stubborn people…and non-people that I know."

"You don't seem worried."

"I'm not."

"How can you keep yourself calm?  I'm freaking out inside and I'm not the one that has to do it."  Anya asked amazed at the sobriety with which the girl went about grinding the herbs that she had bought.

"I have no choice Anya."

"Will they get in the way?"

"No," Willow said shaking her head, "I've performed a binding on all of you.  None of you will be able to interfere."

"You what?"

"I figured that you guys wouldn't just let it be, especially those three.  I did it for your own protection."

"How can you think about all of us at a time like this?"

"It's the only thing that I can do to keep myself focused."

Anya understood.  They continued preparing the many herbs and oils that were needed in silence.

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As the sun disappeared into the ocean Tara turned her red eyes away from the opening of the cave and made her way to the stone altar in the center of the clearing.  She pulled a white handled knife from within the folds of her garbs.  With it she opened the now healing wound in the palm of her left hand.  The blood flowed from her hand into an awaiting chalice.  She reached for some herbs that were allocated on the altar and placed them one by one into the cup chanting as she did so.  The cup began to smoke as she brought it to her lips breaking the chant just long enough to drink from it.  A gust of wind rushed into the cave and flickered the surrounding candles.

"It has begun." She said her voice distorted with that of the intruding demon.  She knelt in front of the altar and lowered her head in silent meditation and sat in wait of destiny.

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"This is it."  Willow said placing the leather satchel with the ingredients that she needed across her chest and shoulders.

She stood in front of the impatient eyes of her friends.  She had no fear, no regrets and most of all she had no hesitation.

"Wish me luck?"

"Yes..well.  May the Gods watch over you."  Giles said leaving the room in a rush.  He could not stand there to watch her go.  It hurt him too much to believe that it might be that last time that he looked upon her.

Xander and Anya stood up and walked over to Willow.

"Take care of yourself."  They said and then hugged her one by one.

"Don't do anything I would do.  You know like screw up and most possibly wet my pants."  Cordelia said trying to keep the mood light.  She hugged her friend tightly and then turned from her so that she could not see the tears forming in her eyes.  She went to Angel and took his hand for a moment.  With her eyes she told him to watch out for himself and then she walked out of the room in the direction that Giles had taken.

"You'll be great Will.  And afterwards I'll buy you some ice cream to celebrate."  Riley said.

"I'll make sure you keep that promise, big guy." She said hugging him briefly.

She moved towards where Angel and Buffy stood.

"Do I get a hug?"  Buffy hugged her and ran out of the room.

Angel took her into his strong arms and gave her a soft peck on the cheek.  He turned to leave her and she stopped him.  She looked deeply into his eyes.  "Don't do anything stupid."  She told him.  He shook his head silently and walked away from her.

Then there was Spike.  He knew that if he were ever going to do anything this was the time.  She walked to him not taking her eyes from him.  He enveloped her in his embrace, the coldness of his body sending pleasant shivers down her spine.  He lifted her chin to his face and leaned in.  She welcomed the chill of his kiss and held his lips to hers for what felt to them like an eternity.  Time had stopped for them in that moment to allow them to finally make their love known.

"I love you Willow." He said regretting that he had to break their kiss.

"I know." She said before kissing him once more and then leaving him staring after her.

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Willow was almost to the cave, as she walked she chanted several protection spells to herself.  She made sure that there were enough barriers between herself and Bartos that she could possibly put up.  She also whispered protective spells for the ones that were following her.  She couldn't hear them but she knew they were in the shadows following her.  She could feel them, especially Spike.  A smile came to her face as she thought of him.  The feel of the kiss that they had shared still lingered and filled every molecule of her being.  It charged her and brought her much needed peace.

She saw the cave straight-ahead and braced herself for what lay in wait inside.

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Spike, Angel and Buffy followed closely behind Willow.  They moved from shadow to shadow in order to remain hidden.  Spike knew it was useless, that Willow knew they were following her.  He could feel her hold on him as he saw her in the distance.  He was sure that she felt the same thing.  The warmth of her lips had long since left his lips leaving them to their originally cold state once again.  But the feel of her, the smell of her still remained on him.  He pressed on after her knowing that once all of it was over, he would have her and there would no longer be any obstacles.

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Tara did not look up from her position kneeling in front of the altar as Willow made her way into the cave.  The demon inside of her raged at the feel of Willow's presence.  He was oblivious to the fact that Tara had not initiated the link and that the girl was here on her own accord to finish things once and for all.

Willow saw Tara kneeling front of a large, white stone altar in the center of the cave.  She tried to control the flood of emotions that took over as she saw her girlfriend before her.

"I have been waiting for you."  The demon spoke through Tara.  She raised her head and Willow's breath caught in her longs as she saw Tara's normally pretty features were twisted into a demonic vise.  The girl's red eyes glowed and searched Willow out in the shadows of the cave.

The red head regained her composure. "Far be it from me to disappoint you."  She said trying to keep her air of calm.

"You know what is expected of you then?"

"Fully aware.  Doesn't mean I am going to do it."

The demon stepped back in surprise at her defiance.  She took that opportunity to begin to draw out the energy of the circle that she needed to prepare.  She reached deep inside herself and found the power that she needed to expel.  From the top of her head a bright bluish light began to break the candle light of the cave.  She sent it out with all the concentration that she could muster as it pulsated around her.  It grew and grew and when it had passed above the unsuspecting head of the demon it began to concave and settle itself around them.

The demon saw what she had done and began to cackle.

"You think that a small circle would be enough to bind me?  You are much more naïve then I expected."

"Oh, I wouldn't think of underestimating you like that."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The three made it into the cave in time to see the blue sphere of energy surround Tara and Willow.  They stood patiently where they could not be seen to wait for the opportunity when they would be needed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

The demon turned its nose up and sniffed the air.  A devilish gleam came from its eyes and its face contorted Tara's in a wicked grin.

"Your friends cannot do anything to stop the becoming," It said amused. "The Slayer and her lapdogs can make themselves known.  Once the ritual is complete their blood will be good to strengthen us."

They did not move from their position.

"Show yourselves cowards.  Hiding will not save you."  He growled.

"Come out."  Willow called to them.  They stepped out of their hiding place and stood outside the circle behind Willow. "I told you not to come."

"We couldn't leave you alone."

"Silence Slayer!"

Willow reached into her bag and the gleam of the blade blinded Bartos for a split second.
"I'm sorry Tara." She said silently before lunging at her with the blade towards her.  Before she could reach her she threw her arm out and a red flash of electricity flew out, hitting Willow square in the chest and sending her flying against the boundaries of the circle.  She bounced off it and landed on her knees on the hard ground.

"Noo."  Spike called out and tried to run to her but was frozen in place by the binding that Willow had secretly performed earlier.  Buffy and Angel also tried to move but the power that held them was too powerful for them to overcome.

"Do not feel sorry for Tara, you fool.  She has made her choice and yours as well."  The demon within Tara reached out a hand into the air and Willow was lifted off of the ground.  Willow began to kick her feet in protest but only managed to loose her grip on the blade.

"Ahh, the Blade of Cryrras.  Clever girl you have been doing your reading.  Too bad you will not have a chance to use it."  The blade suddenly moved from its place on the ground and was dragged by an unseen force to Tara's feet.

She moved her hand further into the air and Willow began to move suspended above them towards the altar.  The demon picked up the blade at its feet careful to keep his hold on the floating girl.  The others could only watch in terror as Willow was lifted on to the altar.  The demon began to chant in a tongue that they could only assume was Sumerian.

Willow was frozen, she could not move against the strong restraints that Bartos' power had made around her.  She felt the cold stone against her back as she was lowered onto the altar.  Still the girl felt no fear; she would not allow this thing to defeat her.  If she was going to go out she was going to do it fighting.  She searched herself for all the strength that she had and with it she fought against his magical binds.

The demon bent over her still form.  With the blade that had fallen from Willow's grasp it made an uneven slit into her arm and then paused.  The red in its eyes flashed blue, then brown and then green and Willow felt his holds on her loosen.  The demon inside Tara roared as he felt the weakened witch inside him fight for dominance.  Willow sat up and watched the struggle occurring in amazement.

Then for a moment the demon was gone and Willow saw the loving face of Tara looking at her.

"Tara?"

"You have to hurry.  I can’t hold him much longer." She said her face still showing the fight that was taking place. "I'm sorry Willow.  This wasn't how it was supposed to be."  She handed Willow the blade in her hand and relaxed as the last of her strength gave out.  The demon roared again and its scream bounce off the walls of the cave, threatening to deafen them all.  Then it was back, a dazed look on its face.  Willow closed her eyes and plunged the knife into Tara's heart, fearing that if she hesitated any longer it would be too late.  As the blade cut through the delicate flesh of the girl a red light spread out from the wound and surrounded the girls' body.

Then she fell limply to the floor all the life drained from her body.  Willow fought back tears as she looked at the dead form of her lover at her feet.  From the light that encircled them the God Bartos began to form.  His screams shattered the silence of the cave as he began to take shape.  Willow jumped off of the altar running to the far end of the circle and rummaging in her bag for her ingredients.  She began to throw herbs in the direction of the demon chanting as she did so.  She hurried hoping that she could complete the spell before the monster came into his full form.  But just as she was going to shatter the last of the oils at his feet, she was sent reeling once again against the boundaries of the protective circle.  This time she hit it with full force and the blow to her head sent her spiraling into blackness.

------------------------------------------------------------

Spike saw Willow hit the blue of the sphere and fall limply to the floor.  He cried out helplessly as he watched the blood flow freely from a jagged cut on her head.

"Oh, my god Willow.  Get up!"  Buffy yelled from where she stood.  She fought harder against the force field that was now weakening, as her friend lay unconscious before her.

They finally broke free only to be stopped by the threshold of the sphere.

"Willow, please! Wake up."  Angel yelled.  Not believing that there was nothing that he could do to save her.

The now fully formed God stood before them.  He loomed over them, all 8 feet of him and grinned at them wickedly his yellow row of fangs fully exposed to them.  His reptilian wings were spread out around him and he stretched them out to show them the full glory of his form.  He bent down and with a red clawed hand picked up the limp girl from the floor.

"It would have been much easier on you had you cooperated little one.  But now you have done yourself in."

He grabbed her by the throat and began to choke the life from her.  The mark on Willows neck began to pulsate and from it a bluish light came out and surrounded the large demon.  The monster closed its eyes letting the power of the girl seep into him as her stole her life.

"Willow, baby, please!"  Spike cried as the blood tears clouded his vision to the horrid scene before him.

 Willow opened her eyes and looked into the face of Bartos.  His eyes were still closed to her and he did not notice that she had come to.  With as much breath as she could gather she finished the chant that she had begun.  She lifted her weak arm and with everything that she had left in her and shattered the small bottle of oil against the demons' chest and then closed her eyes and fell silent.

Bartos lost his grip on the girl as the searing pain of the oil ripped through him.  She fell to the floor in a pile at his feet; just as she did the blue sphere around them began to collapse.  The three that waited around the circle rushed in when they found their chance and Spike ran to Willow cradling her in his arms.

Flames began to break out around the demon as he was slowly eaten away by them.  Buffy, Angel and Spike ignored the dying God and concentrated only on Willow.

"How is she?"  Buffy asked fear in her voice.

"She's not breathing."  Spike cried out to her.

"Her heartbeat is very faint.  She won't make it."  Angel said sadly.

"No! She has to she has to make it.  You can't just let her die."  She pounded on Angel's chest the sobs making her hiccup as she did so.

Angel grabbed her arms and took her into his protective embrace.  He began to stroke the shattered blondes' hair softly.

Buffy pulled away from him and turned to Spike.

"Turn her."

Spike looked at her with confusion in his eyes.

"You heard me turn her.  She can't just die."

Spike shook his head at her the thick droplets of his tears falling onto Willows dying form.

"It's too late.  She's gone."  He said as the last faint beat of her heart made its way to his ears.
 

~Part 9~ The Aftermath

"Nooo."  Buffy cried.  She turned to the shrieking form of the dying God.  She moved towards him and began to kick at his disappearing form.  "Die!  Die!  Die you bastard."  She kicked it one more time as all went silent.  She fell to her knees before the still glowing embers and took her face in her hands.  "Not Willow.  Oh God, why her?  She was the best of all of us.  Please, don't take her from us."

Angel felt the tears falling down his cheek as he looked down at the dead form of his friend.  Never again would her hear her voice, or feel her reassuring touch, never again would she grace him with the brightness of her smile.  The overwhelming sense of his loss was too much for him to bear and he too slumped onto the floor in defeat.

Spike looked into her opened eyes.  He trembled as he held her close to him.  This could not be real.  She could not be gone, not his Princess, not his light, his life.  He saw the light fade from her eyes and passed his hand over them closing them forever.

No one noticed as a purple light lifted from the charred remains of Bartos and hovered over Willow.  It completely surrounded her before seeping into her through her nostrils.  Willows chest heaved in an awakening breath.  Spike looked up in shook to see her once glazed over eyes looking at him expectantly.

"But…but this can't be.  You died.  I felt you die."  He said shaking his head in confusion, wanting so much to believe that she was really there with him.

Buffy and Angel looked towards them and ran to her when they saw her moving.

"Willow?"  Buffy asked not sure whether to believe what her eyes clearly showed her. "Oh, thank God you are alive.  I…I thought we had lost you forever."

"You can't get rid of me that easily."  Willow said her voice still raspy from the crushing pain that Bartos had left her.

Buffy and the others laughed, the joy of having her alive too much for them to bear.

Spike pulled her in closer and kissed her lips.

"Don't ever do that to me again."  He scolded her.

"I don't plan on dying again any time soon."  She tried to stand herself up but was very weak and fell back into Spikes arms.

"Luv, you're too weak.  Don't try and get up."

"Tara."  She rasped.  "Take me to her."

Spike complied lifting her in his arms and walking her to the fallen form of Tara beside the altar.  As he set her down carefully next to her, she saw Tara as if for the first time.  She took the girls face in her hands and placed a kiss on her forehead.  She passed her hand over her still opened eyes and closed them with her fingers.  "Goodbye, Tara." She whispered to her.

She sat there for a moment before looking back up to Spike.

"Get me out of here."  She said.

He nod and scooped her up.  She buried her head into his sculpted chest and finally let the events of the past week sink in.  Spike carried her out of the cave and towards the mansion.

Angel walked over to Tara and picked the girl up.  She had been wrong and had caused them all a lot of pain but in the end she had saved them.  Her final act of redemption, he knew that he could not leave her there.  So he took her with him and he and Buffy left the darkness of the cave.
 

~Part 10~ Coping

It had been three days.

Three long and treacherous days since Willow had killed Tara.  Yes, she had also killed Bartos but that to her meant nothing.  He was just another faceless demon that melded in with the countless others that she had been obligated to slay.  But Tara, she was a person, a flesh and blood human being that had made a mistake and paid the ultimate price for it.  Since that fateful day Willow had fallen into a routine of restless nights plagued by horrible dreams.  Every time she closed her eyes she would see the blade as it pierced through her lovers' skin, leaving nothing but an empty shell.  It would play over and over again in her mind like a horror movie that she was forced to endure.

She missed her.  Missed her smile and quiet presence.  Missed her touch and her caring kiss.  She didn’t care that Tara's actions had doomed them all, she had loved the girl and now she was gone.  Above all the conflicting emotions that raged within her Willow felt mostly betrayal.  Not Taras betrayal, but hers.  She couldn't believe that she had so easily accepted that she had to kill her.  That she hadn't even made an effort to search for another way, another possibility that would have left the girl alive.  She had seen what she needed to do and done so without a second thought.

Did this make her evil?  She thought it did.  Did this make her heartless?  She believed it did.  But most all it made her a murderer.  Any way that she looked at it she had killed someone and a person that she loved at that.  So what did that say about her and most of all what did that say about love?  She could no longer trust her emotions especially when it came to love.  All of them had left her; she had drove them away, one way or the other.

Then there was Spike.  She loved him with more fervor than she had ever loved Tara or Oz.  So what would become of him?  Would she drive him away as well?  Would she destroy who he was and all that he loved?  She couldn't bear the thought or the anguish that it brought her.

Of all that she had learned in her 19+ years of life what she had learned in the past week was her most valuable lesson.  Love was bad.  Love was evil.  Love was black.

Black the color of the blind fool.  Eros, with his bow poised in his chubby hands, ready to shoot at the innocent.  He flies, his flapping angel wings struggling to hold his cherubic body.  He searches, seeing only blackness.  He shoots, and with each arrow he releases he envelops his prey in black.  Taking from it any hope of happiness and all chances of being captured in the white light that it promised.  The only thing that is left is blackness.

    The blackness of confusion and fear.  Of the ocean during a storm, beautiful yet deadly.  It's ragging waters expectant of a victim to fall into its deceiving arms, only to torment and drown them in the midst of its beauty.  To turn all their hopes and expectations into a sea of black.
     Black is the color of nothing, with everything lurking in the background, peaking its head in, shedding a ray of white only to disappear and leave no trace of its existence.  Leaving the darkness even darker than before.  Darker than blood as it gushes out surrounding it's donor in death.  Staining everything it touches forever.

     Black is the color of pain.  It is the arrow of love's deepest sting piercing the skin.  Poisoning one with dreams of forever and hopes of always.  Only to tear your heart out and wring out all its life, letting the white happiness come to a slow halt in its grasp.

     Black is the color of the blind fool: Love.

She could not live with the pain that she had brought to those she cared for the most.  But she could not take the easy way out.  She could not let herself fall to the need to be rid of it all.  That would make her a coward.  No, she would have to live.  Live with the knowledge that she had ruined lives.  But she would not ruin any more.  She knew what she had to do and for the protection of the ones that were still left she would do it without hesitation.

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It had been three days.

Three painful and long days since he had watched the woman he loves die in that cave.  Since he had watched the light of life leave her only to embrace her once again.  He had been so relieved that he had not lost her to the steely grip of death that he had failed to wonder if he had lost her in other ways.  Three days, since she had locked herself in her room at the mansion and not come out, only to attend a small burial that they had performed for Tara and then to disappear again into the loneliness of the room.

He knew that she was blaming herself.  He knew that she was not coping as well as they all hoped.  But he didn't blame her.  He only offered her his love and understanding.  So he waited.  Waited for her to crawl out of the abyss that she had plunged herself in.  Spike knew that this was not going to be as easy as it was when the wolf had left her and to say that it had been easy is a gross misrepresentation of the facts.

She had drawn deeper and deeper into herself for months, until one day he had looked up and she was back again.  Changed and matured but back to him.

He had tried to comfort her.  To take her in his arms and stroke away the pain but she had quietly asked him to leave her.  That she needed to be alone.  It had killed him to hear her say the words but he had left her.  And there she stayed.  He would leave her trays of food outside the door only to come back later and see that they had been left untouched.  But he did not stop doing it.

The others had been concerned but decided that the only one that could really help her was Spike and had gone back to their respective homes coming in once in awhile to check up on her.  She was no different.

Amy had come by when she was released from the hospital, along with the other girls that Willow had saved.  Spike had led them up to her room hoping that seeing them would help her out of the funk she was in.  It didn't.  She had acknowledged them, said that she was glad that they were all okay and then asked them to leave her.  Angel and Cordelia had also been up to see her to give her that happy news that they were going to stay in Sunnydale, but she had not flinched at their news.  So they too had come back down with defeat in their eyes.

Spike had not left the house in as long as she was there.  He wanted to be near her.  Feel her presence even if he could not really be with her.  He could wait, after all, he had an eternity.  He had spent a lot of time sitting on the floor outside of her door.  Straining his vampiric hearing so that he could hear the gentle sounds of her breathing and her heartbeat.  He knew that she was aware of him sitting out there but had made to move to acknowledge it.

He was afraid that this time the pain would be too much for her.  That she would draw herself in so tightly that he wouldn't be able to get her back.  He pushed those negative thoughts to the back of his head, he had to.  He had to remain optimistic which for a vampire that had caused and seen some much of the horrors that the world held was not an easy task.  But for her he could do anything.

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"She's still in there?" Xander asked disbelievingly as Angel led him and Anya into the sitting room.

"Fraid so."  Angel answered him. "I don't think she's even come out to use the bathroom."  He finished as the couple sat next to Giles who had come to check up on Willows progress as well.

"She's not eating either."  Spike said from a dark corner of the room.  Xander and Anya looked at him for the first time since they had entered and what they saw did nothing to calm their uneasiness.  The vampire was pale, which for him was nothing new, he was undead after all.  But he was even paler than usual, his face was devoid of anything but pain.

Anya walked towards him and knelt before him.  "What about you?  You look like death warmed over."

Spike let out a humorless chuckle at the girl.

"You know what I mean."

"I haven't been hungry."

"Do you think that it is wise for you to starve yourself?"

"I don't care."

"I don't believe that Spike."

"Believe it." He said before he got up and shoving her to the ground made his way up the stairs to continue his vigil in front of Willows door.

"This does not bode well."  Giles said shaking his head.

Anya pulled herself up from the floor and went to sit down next to Xander wrapping his hand in hers as she did so.

"Your powers of observation never cease to amaze me."

"Xander the last thing we need right now is to get on each others nerves."  Cordelia said from her position next to Angel.

"Your right.  I know it' s just so damn frustrating.  I am sick of sitting by while our friends slip away."  He said to her sadly.

"Did you find out yet how it was possible for Willow to die and then not?"  Angel asked Giles trying to change the subject.

The former librarian shook his head.

"She's immortal."  Anya said non-chalantly.

"What?" They echoed looking towards her.

"I-m-m-o-r-t-a-l." she spelled out for them.

"How can that be?" Giles asked not knowing whether to believe her.

She threw her hands up in the air and let out an exasperated sigh.

"Hellooo!  She killed a God.  Now she has her power and his.  One of which is immortality."

"How can you possibly know that?"  Cordelia asked.

"She was dead.  Dead as a doornail.  Angel saw it.  So did Buffy and Spike and then puff she wasn't anymore.  How else would you explain it?"

"I don't know.  A miracle?  A simple twist of faith?  A fluke?"  Cordelia said trying to find some other explanation.

"If I've learned anything, it's that things happen for a reason.  I don't believe in flukes and living in the hellmouth it's hard to believe that any of you would."

"She's right."  Giles said.  "Things don’t just happen."

"Do you think that she knows?"  Xander asked his girlfriend.

"I'm sure she's aware of a change.  She had to have felt it, her power is ten times stronger than it was before.  I don't know if she has been able to process what all of it means. But she definitely knows that she will never be the same."

"This is too much for her to deal with, I mean on top of everything else." Cordelia said concerned for the well being of her friend.

"Well, I guess the fact that she is locked in her room would be indication enough of that."  Giles said.

"So what do we do now?"  Xander asked.

"I suppose the only thing that we can do is what we have been doing.  Wait for her to come to terms with everything that happened and be there for her if she needs us."  Angel commented.

They all shook their heads in agreement.  What more could they do?   If Spike had not gotten through to her they knew that they wouldn't be able to.  So they would give her time if it was what she needed.
 

~Part 11~ Farewell Sunnydale

Spike bolted up from his sleep.  He felt it.  A terrible sense of loss but it was what he didn't feel that startled him.  He didn’t feel her, her essence, her hold over him it had weakened.  He scrambled out of his bed, not caring that he was naked but for a pair of silk boxers.  He ran down the hall to her room, internally praying that he was wrong that she was lying in her bed sleeping peacefully.

When he opened the door an unneeded breath caught in his throat.  She was not in there.  He left the room and ran to the bathroom convincing himself that she was in there.  She wasn't.  He continued his search of the house and when he found nothing made his way back to her room.  At this point his eyes burned with the blood of his tears, he did not want to believe it.  This couldn't be happening.  Then he saw it.  He saw the stark white piece of paper that lay on her bed.  He moved towards it slowly, as if in a dream, or nightmare, dreading what he knew he would find there.

He opened it and read the words.  Anger and loss raged inside of him and for the first time in as long as he could remember he let the demon take full control.  He began to tear at the curtains in the room.  He stripped the bed of the satin sheets that he had bought for her and ripped them into shreds one by one.  He broke the pillows sending white feathers cascading all around him.  He lifted up the vases, on by one, full of bright red roses and threw them against the wall sending shards of broken glass flying about.  He toppled over the dresser by the door allowing the wood to splinter in his hands.  He didn't care that the splinters were tearing into his dead flesh leaving small scars of dripping blood.  He did not feel that pain; it was numbed by another more powerful pain.

He fell back onto the destroyed mattress with the full weight of his body.  He picked up the note that he had dropped on it and read the simple message once again.

I love you, Spike.

- Willow

That was all it said.  Yet it said everything.  And he curled his long legs up to his chest and cradled his face in his hands.  The blood of his tears seeped out in between his fingers and he sobbed.  He sobbed like he had never done in all of his life.  Like he had never done even when he was living.

"Why Willow, why?"  He repeated quietly to himself in between his tears.

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Cordelia and Angel heard the noise that was coming from Willows room from their room across from hers.  They climbed out of the king size bed that they shared and hurriedly covered their naked forms with their robes.  They walked across to her room and took in the destruction that Spike had caused.

"What the hell is going on?"  Cordelia asked a bit angered that he had destroyed the room.

He did not look up from his position, he only held the note out for them to take.

Angel stepped in and took the note from his awaiting hand.  He read over the small passage quietly.

"Well?"  Cordelia asked.

"She's gone."  Angel said.

"What do you mean, she's gone?"

"She left."  He repeated once again handing her the simple farewell note.

"Oh no" she said as she read it and let it fall to the hard wood floor at her bare feet.  She made her way to the bed and took the crying vampire in her arms.  He wrapped himself around her placing his head in between her bosom seeking the comfort that she selflessly offered him.  And there he continued to cry for the love that he had been denied, once again.

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Willow stared out through the rain-covered window of the train.  She placed a stray hand on the cool glass.  She did not cry but the world was crying enough for her.  The rain became thicker and thicker and fell harder with every passing moment as the train made its way past a sign that read:

"Now Leaving Sunnydale, CA.  Come back to see us soon."
 

~Part 12~ The Road Calls

The rolling hills of the landscape outside her window did much to calm Willow.  She had been staring out that window for as long as she could recall and enjoyed watching the scenery as it changed, the further away she got from Sunnydale.  She wasn't sure where she was going and it wasn't really important.  She wasn't running away, she had come to terms with that.  She was moving on, moving to a place where her actions could not hurt the people she cared about.  Willow was fully aware of the initial reaction her leaving would get from her friends, her family.  She also knew that in time they would move on and hopefully they would forget about her.

She closed her eyes to the falling leaves of the coming winter and she saw Tara.  Not the sweet smiling Tara, that she had let into her heart, but the empty corpse that had lain on the floor of the cold cave.  She couldn't shake her morbid vision and in all honesty she wasn't really trying very hard to.  She pressed her head against the glass and let herself fall into a fretful sleep.

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Angel watched silently as Spike paced the room for about the hundredth time in the same hour.

"You can't just up and leave."  He reasoned with the blonde vampire.

Spike froze mid stride and turned a glaring look in his sire's direction.

"And why not?  What am I supposed to do sit here and wait for her to come to her senses?  You of all people should know that I don't have that kind of patience."

"But you don’t even know where she went.  She could be anywhere by now."

"So I'll just have to be thorough in my search."

"Spike, listen to yourself.  You're thinking of getting up and leaving half-cocked looking for someone that doesn't want to be found.  At least not yet."

"Listen to me you sorry excuse for a sire.  I love this woman.  I gave her my heart and I'll be damned if I let her walk off with it."  Spike growled at him.

Angel paused and took an unneeded sigh.  He knew that it was hopeless to try and convince him not to go after her.  But he still wanted to make his objections heard.  Willow needed to discover for herself that her place was there with them.  And Angel was also afraid that if Spike did find her that she would refuse to come back and send the worried vampire into a deeper depression than he was already in.

"I just think that maybe you should wait until she contacts one of us."

"And what if she doesn't?  I don't know why I am talking to you, you can't possibly understand what I am feeling."

"Can't I?  So make me understand Spike."

"She's my everything."  He said falling onto the couch next to Angel in a graceful lunge.  He put his head in his hands and took a moment to collect his thoughts.  "When the Initiative planted this bloody chip in my head, I wanted to die.  But not for the reasons everyone would like to think.  Sure I couldn't kill those that I wanted to see suffer the most but that was minimal."  He looked up at Angel to see if he was still following him.

"Yes, I was a demon but was I?  I couldn't do any of the things that had made me one and a damned good one at that.  I wasn't a man, a mortal man, but I was closer to one than I had been in over a century.  So what was I?  Where did I belong?  These thoughts plagued me, tortured me and then….."  He stopped.

"Then what?"

"Then.. there she was.  Like a savior.  Like the angel that I had long believed never to exist.  She needed me, needed my guidance, needed my love.  She saved me, saved me from myself, from my demon, from the man that I was in life."  He shook his head in denial as if the action would erase the fact that she was really gone.  Then he braced himself and continued. "She made me see things.  She made me feel things that I never felt…never thought I could feel.  I felt.  Do you realize the magnitude of that?"  He looked to him for understanding.

Angel just nod his head and encouraged him to go on.

"To her, I wasn't Spike the demon, the killer that had sought to do her harm in the past.  That creature didn't exist to her anymore.  I wasn't William the fucking Bloody, who in his prime had brought so much suffering to so many innocents.  For the first time in my entire existence, I felt like a man.  Like the man I had always sought to be but never fully comprehended how to do it.  I like the man that I am with her and I am afraid that if she never comes back I will never see that man again."  He finished and sunk further into the couch cushions as if the catharsis had taken all the energy that he had to give.

Angel looked at him for a moment, confused.  He didn’t know what to make of the whole situation.  He had never seen his childe in this light.  He had never expected that he was this vulnerable.

"I don't think that I have ever really seen you until now."  Angel said.  He stood up from his place on the sofa and paused in front of the defeated form of his childe.  "Go."  He said almost in a whisper.

Spike looked up at him hearing what he had said but not really trusting his heightened hearing.

"What?"

"Go get her you idiot.  The longer you wait the further away she's getting."  Spike stood up quickly from the couch not being needed to be told twice.

Before he left the room he stopped by Angel.  Much to the surprise of the older vampire he took him in his arms and embraced him tenderly.  "Thanks old man."  He said and with a pat of Angels back he was out of the room, making his way upstairs to prepare for his journey.

Once he had left the room Cordelia stepped out of the shadows.  She looked at Angel with tear streaked cheeks.

"I never thought anyone could love someone so much."  She said breathlessly.

He moved to her and took her into his cool embrace.  He brought her chin up so that their eyes were level and wiped the tears that continued to well up in her eyes.

"And I never thought that it was possible to happen twice and to two vampires at that."  He said to her softly sealing his statement with a kiss.  She melted in his embrace, in the fell of him.  He swept her up in his arms and carried her up the stairs towards their room.

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He felt the emptiness much stronger now.  For the first time since Willow had left he really felt that he was never going to be with her again.  The overwhelming abyss that was becoming his unlife was almost enough to make him head home and claim defeat.  Almost.

He had been on the road for four months.  Four torturous and fruitless months.  To a vampire four months was nothing but an insignificant speck of time a novelty in the midst of history rich years.  But to this vampire it was an eternity.  He had not seen her, smelled her, heard her in four months and to him it could've easily been four years.

He still felt her, stirring around making residence in the still recesses of his heart.  And sometimes he would half expect to bump into her rounding a lonely corner in Nevada or Colorado or Texas, wherever the road had led him, because he felt her presence so strongly.  But she wouldn't be and he would move on to other countless nameless towns and cities.  Still no sign of her.  She had disappeared and done a good job at it.

From time to time he would call Angel hoping that his words would soothe his aching heart.  Longing to hear him say that she had come back, but he never did.  He simply offered well-planned words of encouragement and sent him on his way.  With time the calls had been made fewer and farther between.  Till a month had passed since he had heard Angels voice.

The landscape that he passed nightly had begun to melt into one endless panorama that to him seemed like the same place all over again.  He had begun to fear that he was going in circles but would realize that he was just moving on to more of the same.  He spent his days in silent meditation trying to sleep and will himself into a world where she was his and they were happy, but the restlessness that he felt running through every vein of his body was enough to keep him tossing and turning.  Would this waking nightmare ever end?

<God I miss her>

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Willow walked down the desolate street taking in the night and the soothing feel of the air of a passing winter.  The humidity of the evening left tiny droplets of sweat as a permanent fixture on her brow.  She would wipe them off from time to time only to have them reappear almost instantaneously until she had just let them be.  She didn't know what she was doing there but for some reason she was at peace.  Or as much at peace as she could muster.

She still missed her friends terribly and the longing that she felt for Spike seemed to grow instead of lessen in the passing months.

She had begun to make a life for herself in the small out of the way part of the world she now called home.  To the modest observer it didn't seem like much of a life but she made do.  She had a job, a small apartment over the restaurant the she waited tables at, and she kept herself busy on her laptop when all else failed.

Even with all the time that passed the pain had not subsided.  Nightmares of Taras death still haunted her nightly even when she willed herself to dream of better and happier times her treacherous mind would lead her back to that cave.  At first she had just continued to move, hoping that with every new place she would be leaving the pain further behind.  But eventually she had stopped running.  Knowing that there was nowhere that she could go that would make it all disappear.

She wrapped the long leather duster around herself tighter as the chill of the night began to creep into her.  She took in a deep breath to allow her senses to be tickled by the fading scent of the coats previous owner.   At first she had felt guilty about taking Spikes duster with her, knowing that he would miss his dearest clothing staple.  But she had seen it lying there draped over the recliner in the living room and could not resist the need to have it with her.  It didn’t do much to ease her need of him, in fact it only made her want him more.  But still she continued to torture herself with the smell and feel of it.  Reminding herself of the loss that she would have to deal with because of her actions.

She closed her eyes and pictured the deep blue pools of his eyes.  She closed them even tighter and saw the platinum of his hair, the gentle arch of his prominent cheekbones, the tender flesh of his cool lips surprisingly pink for someone who's been dead for over a century.  She allowed her thoughts of him take over her mind as she made her way home.

<Goddess I miss him>

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Cordelia ran towards the shrill of ringing phone on the marble cocktail table in the sitting room.  She picked up the receiver and said a breathless "Hello" as she cradled it on her shoulder resting her ear to it.  There was no response on the other end all that could be heard was the shallow uneven sound of someone breathing on the other end.

"Hello" she said again this time with a hint of impatience.  Still nothing.  "Look buddy I'm not in for all the heavy breathing shit so if you have something to say, say it and let me get on with my life."

She wasn't sure if she really heard it but from the other end of the line she could make out an airy chuckle.  It couldn't be, could it?  Her mind raced and she searched the room for Angel but he was still upstairs sleeping the day away.  She lifted her head and took the phone into her hand.

"Willow?" she whispered tentatively into the phone.  The person on the other end let out a sigh.  Tears began to well up in Cordelia's eyes and run down the length of her creamy complexion.
"Will is that you?"  She choked out between sobs.  There was no response. "Will, please say something."  Still there was nothing.

Cordelia searched for the right words to say to her estranged friend.  For eight months she had been waiting to hear from the girl and there she was and words escaped her.  She needed to say something, anything that would convince the girl to come back to them.

"Will, please come home.  We miss you.  We need you.  We love you."  The girl pleaded.  She heard the sound of the phone on the other end being clicked.  She braced herself.  "Willow?  Willow  please!"  She yelled unable to control her emotions.  She was answered by the sound of a dead line, of a connection that had been cut off far too soon.  She looked at the receiver in her hand and then flung it at the wall by the table.  She slumped down onto the floor and wrapped her arms around her knees bringing them up to her chest.  She trembled with anger, sadness, and loss.  She didn't know which she felt with more intensity.

She looked up to see that Angel had made his way downstairs.  He had been awakened by the sound of the phone smashing against the wall.  He had made it down as quickly as his inhuman speed had allowed.

"Delia?  What it is baby?"

"Willow."  She managed to get out.

Concern painted the dark vampires features as he went down to meet her on the cold marble floor.

"Did you have another vision?  Is she in danger?"

Cordelia shook her head in denial allowing the loose strands of her long hair to cover her desperate face.

"What, Delia you're worrying me."  He said moving the stray ringlets from her beautiful face.

"She called."  He looked at her not believing what she was saying. "It was her.  I know it was."

"What did she say?"

"Nothing, she didn’t say anything.  She just … just breathed."

"How can you be sure?"

"Angel, it was her."

"Ok.Ok.  What did you tell her?"

"I told her to come home."  She looked up at him, her eyes pleading with him to hold her.  He instantly obeyed and took her to him, rocking her gently until the sobs had subsided.

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"Do you know where she is?"  Xander asked impatiently.  He had made his way to the mansion, Anya in tow, as soon as Angel had called him with the news that Willow had called.

"No."  Angel replied.

"Well did she say anything?  Anything that would indicate how she was, what she was doing?"  He asked turning his attention to a sullen Cordelia.  She shook her head in response to him.  "She didn't say anything?"

"No," she said quietly.

"So what good does it do?  I mean we're just as in the dark as we were before."  He yelled to no one in particular.

"Xan, honey calm down."  Anya soothed.

"Calm down?  Anya my best friend has been missing in action for eight months.  We finally hear something from her and it's …well it's nothing."

"Xander, you aren't the only one that lost Willow.  Nor are you the only one that misses her.  Nothing is going to come from being angry."  Anya said trying to reason with him, knowing that it was probably useless.  Since Willow had left the small reasonable part of Xander had been slipping further and further away.  He was constantly irritable, he rarely laughed or even smiled at anything anymore, and all the things that had once brought him such easy pleasure did nothing for his state of mind anymore.  He had lost 20 pounds and lost even the need to eat at a constant interval.  He was disappearing before their very eyes and the rest of them were faring no better.

It had been 3 months since they had heard a word from Spike and the state of mind that he was in when Angel had spoken to him only heightened the groups worry.  They were all slowly falling apart.  They had lost their glue and now the seams of their fragile lives were slowly unraveling.  Buffy had sunk deeper and deeper into herself making it almost impossible to be in the same room with her and not want to beat her senseless.  She had pushed Riley away not long after Willow left town and he had left, deciding that there was nothing for him in Sunnydale anymore.  The blonde hadn't even flinched at his departure.

Giles busied himself with the day to day calamity that was the hellmouth.  The activity that was at an all time high in the area since the dismantling of the Initiative was enough to keep him outwardly busy.  But Anya knew that inside he was weeping for the girl that had become like a daughter to him.  He no longer held the proud father demeanor that had sustained him earlier; he was back to fully functional Watcher mode.

Angel and Cordelia had each other, but the cheery no nonsense Cordelia of days gone by was rarely seen.  She was even broodier than Angel was, if that were at all possible.  In Willows absence he had taken it upon himself to try and keep everyone from falling to pieces.  And though Anya had assisted his efforts, they too were beginning to let the situation wear on them.

"You don't know.  You have no idea how I feel.  I grew up with her, in my life, everyday for as long as I can remember.  None of you can make the same claim, except maybe for Cordelia.  But then again she wasn't all that aware of Willow back then."  Cordelia's face turned down in shame at his statement.  He was right she had been cruel and heartless towards Willow for as long as she had known her.  But she was different now, and she loved Willow.  It was unfair of him to be so cruel.

"Watch what you say, Xander and who you say it to."  Angel glared at him.  He was not going to let that moron deepen the remorse that Delia felt.  "Spitting out insults and anger is not going to bring her back."

"Oh yeah all-knowing one?  Why don't you enlighten us?  You seem to have all the answers and make no effort to keep them to yourself.  Tell us, oh god of the brooding deadboys, what will bring her back?"

"Spike."  Angel said simply.

"Oh sure.  A lot of good he's done, when was the last time you heard from the platinum boy wonder anyways?  How do you know that he hasn't found her already and is keeping her all to himself.  Selfish bastard that he is."

Angel snapped into action.  He moved quickly towards the stunned figure of Xander and wrapped his right hand over the delicate skin of his neck.  He shoved him against the wall and held him above his head as Xander struggled for breath.

"Don't ever speak about things or people that you know nothing about.boy!"  His eyes flared yellow as his demonic visage made itself known.  "Spike is the only one of us that did anything.  He's the only one that set aside his own suffering and grief to go and find her.  So if anyone were selfish, I would say that it was you.  Wouldn't you agree?"

Xander grasped at the powerful hand that held him in the air.  He felt the last of his breath struggling in his lungs.  He nod his head as much as he possibly could with the intrusive hand holding his neck in place.  "Yes."  He rasped out.

Cordelia stood up and walked calmly to her lover.  She put her hand on his shoulder and as if the mere feel of her anchored him, his human face took form again. He looked at the struggling boy in his hand and shook himself back to reality. <What am I doing? >  He released his hold on Xander and the boy fell to the floor, holding onto his neck and gasping for breath.

"I…I…I'm sorry Xander," He said still somewhat dazed by the rage that the boys words had made him feel.  Xander did not look up at him but waved him away with his hand.  Anya went to him checking him over to see if there was any permanent damage.  When she saw none she turned to Angel.

"It's alright Angel.  We're all a little…uh stressed I guess would describe it.  Maybe you should get some rest."  Angel nod his agreement and let Cordelia lead him up the stairs.

Anya looked at his defeated form as they left. <I don't know how much longer we can keep this together. >  She turned her attention back to Xander and helped him to the couch.

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<What am I doing? >  Spike wandered through the almost empty streets of the small New Orleans town that he had stopped at for the weekend.  The night air of the passing summer created lazy circles with the disheveled locks of his hair.  He stumbled on the cobblestone of the street almost falling onto the dingy floor but regaining his balance in time to avoid it.  He gripped the bottle of Stoli tightly in his hand and brought it up forcefully to take yet another swig of the tart elixir.

He was half way through his second bottle of Vodka and hated the fact that he had yet to feel the numbing relief that he sought.  <What am I doing in this dirty, swampy hole in the wall? >  He managed to take another long gulp from the vodka bottle before finally succumbing to the loss of control of his faculties and falling on his ass on the curbside. <Your looking for Willow you bloody wanker! >

He continued the familiar conversation in his head.  For 11 months he had repeatedly asked himself the same question, only to receive the same answer and move on to another town where he would start his routine all over again.  It always started with a couple of bottles of Stoli and then an almost blind search through the city streets, calling after and grabbing anything that flashed red hair his way.  But it had never been her and the more he drank the less chance he had of finding her.  Of course he never really equated that to his drinking and he had come to rely on his late night rendezvous with Mr. Stoli more than he had needed blood even.

He looked up from his inner monologue at the sound of change being thrown at his feet.  A young, well dressed, attractive couple had passed by and throwing their spare change in his direction had continued walking without so much as a shake of the head.

"Hey?"   He slurred.  "What the bloody hell was that for?  I am not some soding homeless pest…."  He trailed off as he realized that they had long gone from his sight.  He thought for a moment before reaching out and picking up the change.  He put the change in his pocket and pulled out his pack of smokes.  He lit his cigarette and began to alternately puff from it and drink from the bottle in his other hand.

A car passed by and catching a rather deep puddle in its tracks sprayed muddy water all over the broken man on the sidewalk.  The combination of alcohol and melancholy in his system did not allow him to even react to the water's intrusion.  He simply sat there dripping from head to toe, the deep dirt of the water leaving black streaks on his extremely pale face.  The drops came to a stop and nestled themselves deep into the brown hair that had grown into a distended mustache and beard combination.

He passed his hand through the mass of hair on his head.  It had been months since he had cut it let alone dyed it and the bleach blonde was now being chased from his head by the sprouting of brown.  His hair fell almost below his ears and remained scraggly and dirty from months of abandonment.  His now oversized black clothes hung from his body as if they were a sack slung over him to suit the basest of purposes.  The skeletal shape of his body disappeared into the black leather coat that he had bought to replace his duster.

No wonder the couple had thrown change at him, to the casual observer he looked like nothing more than a meanderer.  Another rolling stone making his way through town hoping to panhandle himself some booze and smokes before moving on the next town.  When had he allowed the grief to be so much that he had become this careless individual that was now passing out on a street in the middle of nowhere dangerously close to sunrise?  He didn't care, at least anymore.

He let himself fall into the comforting feel of blackness and passed out with the bottle and a lit cigarette in his hand.  There he lay waiting for the sunrise to claim him.

This was how Willow found him, strewn across her path on her way home from the corner market.
 

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