~Part 1~ The Curse

You´re the prince of evil
And hate rule your mind
You´re the prist of fate
Satan lives behind your eyes

Belive you´re never win
Keep away from me
Lies you tell
Hear the bell
You´re time has come

You´re the king of pain
A loser of your own
A creature of blood
And a friend of no one

["Spy of mas´ on" by Grave Digger]
 
 

He was furious. Since she had left him he´d never been in another mood. (I cared for her all this time just to be left behind because she needed to search for her bloody Angel.) He kicked a can. (Bloody well! I can live without her, but someone will pay!) A little noise in front of him caused his attention.

He saw the red head walking through the dark street. (Willow) An evil smile appeared on his face (So it will be her who is going to pay. Alright, in some way it is her fault. She´s the one who cursed Angel again. If he wasn´t cursed again he would have stayed with me and Dru. And Dru would still be by my side.) Spike repressed the thoughts about his role in the story. This whole thing about Acathla. He had to blame someone, because otherwise his fury would have vanished and left him in despair.

"Where´re you going, luv?" She jumped and turned around.

"Spike!" she gasped, not able to belive what she saw.

"I´m honored you still remember me." Spike sat on a warm smile but his eyes remained cold. As quickly as it had come the smile disappeared.

"W-what do you want?" Willow tried not to look as terrified as she was.

"Hmm, let me see." Spike stroked his chin, pretending to think.

"Oh, I remember. I want you." He grabed her before she could run away and pushed her against the wall. Willow wanted to scream but Spike´s grip around her throat tightened. She panted in order to get some air. Black veils danced in front of her eyes. She was losing consciousness.

Suddenly Spike removed his hand. Willow coughed and glanced around to find a way to escape. There was none.

Spike´s cold gaze made her shiver.

(Why am I still alive? What does he want? Isn´t he here to kill me?) These questions ran through Willow´s mind over and over again.

"I need you conscious. It´ll be no fun if you faint."

(Oh my God, what is he going to do with me?)

She looked at him with horror.

Spike pulled a dagger out.

Willows eyes widened with fear when it touched her.

The blade draw a line from her collarbone to her throat leaving a bloody trail on her soft skin.

Eventually it stopped over her pulsating carotid.

She didn´t move. She didn´t even breath.

The dagger cut her skin but not deep enough to hurt the artery. Then it was removed.

"Don´t be afraid, I won´t kill you." Spike saw the relief. He let the hope grow and then smashed it.

"To be exact, I won´t kill you right now. I´ll do it after we had had some fun. Be sure, you´ll plea for death."

(I have to get out of here.) Willow tried to struggle free but she had no chance.

"Please..." she begged.

"Shh" he hushed her. "It´s still to early for that. You need to have patience. You´re allowed to beg as much as you want later. I promise." He chuckled.

She trembled under his hands but his statement gave her strength. Her knee hit him between the legs and she pulled free as he loosened his grip. Spike gasped in pain though he needed no air. (That hussy will pay!) He vamped out and ran after her. Against his vampiric speed Willow had no chance. As he reached Willow Spike knocked her to the ground in a brutal way.

"Very bad idea." He snearled gripping her hair. Spike dragged her to her feet and sank his fangs into her neck. Willow tried to fight him but he was too strong.

(Perhaps it´s better this way. At least I´ll have a quick and almost painless death.) She accepted her destiny and stopped defending.

Spike was lost in the sweet taste of her blood. Underneath his desire he felt something was wrong. He stopped drinking as recognition hit him.

"Oh no, you won´t get rid of me that easily." He whispered into her ear destroying her hopes.

He let go of her. Without him holding her she hit the floor hard. Spike turned Willow around to face him. She was to weak to fight him as he ripped her shirt off. (Oh my God, he´s going to rape me!) He knew what she was thinking and grinned at her.

"Patience, luv. We´ll come to this, later." He searched for something in his pocket.

"But first I´ll show you how I got my nickname."

He raised a railroad spike. Willow screamed as it punctured her shoulder. Then everything went black.

"Shit!" Spike looked at his victim. Disappointed.

Pain. Nothing but pain. It flooded her entire body. She tried to move but couldn´t. She wanted to scream but no sound came. Then she saw him. He smiled evilly as he reached out and tore the metal out of her shoulder.

The pain grew. It burned inside her head.

He raised the spike and thrusted it down again. She saw it like a slow motion.

"NOOO, OH GOD PLEASE NO!" Willow cried out.

"Shh, no one will hurt you. Everything is okay." Caring hands stroked her cheeks. Eventually she opened her eyes realizing she wasn´t in the dark alley anymore.

"Where", she swallowed, "where am I?"

"In hospital. I found you in the streets. Unconscious." Buffy replied. She sat down on the edge of Willow´s bed.

"What has happened?"

"I..." Willow tried to explain but her throat was too dry.

"Spike", was all she could manage to say.

"I´ll kill him!" Buffy remarked with a voice as cold as death itself.

Satisfied with the Slayer´s words Willow closed her eyes again not able to stay awake any longer.

"Hello, luv."

Willow opened her eyes slowly, afraid of what she was going to see.

"Spike!" He stood in front of her bed and gave her a mischievous grin.

"Yeah, it´s me. Surprised?"

"Why are you here?" Willow croaked.

"I was worried about you so I decided to come around." She gave him a look. He smiled at her maliciously.

"Actually I´m here because we have to finish our little date."

He stepped closer and Willow couldn´t help flinching away from him. (Buffy! I need to get Buffy!) She glanced around hastily.

"If you´re searching for the Slayer, she´s out on patrol. Searching for me." He chuckled. His hand moved forward to her bandaged shoulder and squeezed it, causing her whimper.

"This time nothing will interrupt us, luv", he promised.

Willow reached for the emergency-bell. Spike took it away.

"You wouldn´t want anyone to come here and get hurt, would you?" His eyes flashed yellow to stress his threat.

"No", she whispered.

"Good girl." Spike caressed her hair. Suddenly his grip tightened. "Time to play!" Spike snarled his game face on.

"Willow?" Buffy´s voice sounded from the hallway.

Spike growled in frustration.

"Sorry, luv. Time for me to go." He headed towards the open window. "See you later!" he added and disappeared into the night.

"Buffy!" Willow´s terrified scream filled the room as the Slayer came in.

"What´s wrong?" Buffy asked confused.

"No- nothing. Just a nightmare." Willow lied. (Why am I not telling the truth?) her inner voice questioned. (Because she would only stake that bastard and that´s not enough for you. You want him suffer!) the dark part of her mind answered.

"I´m sorry but I couldn´t find Spike."

"Mmmh." Willows mind raced.

"I´ll pursue him again tomorrow."

"Mmmh." She was searching for the worst she could do to him.

"Are you listening?"

"Mmmh." An idea formed in her mind.

"Spike is standing right behind you."

"Mm- WHAT?"

"You haven´t heard a single word, do you?" Buffy asked.

"I- I´m sorry but all those pain-killers. It´s hard to focus on something."

"Okay. So I´m going to let you sleep." Buffy squeezed Willow´s hand to comfort her friend and left. She didn´t see the evil smile that slowly appeared on Willow´s face.

Willow looked around in her room. Now the time had come. After a few weeks of intensive research she had eventually found the fitting spell. She grabed the thirteen candles, twelve black ones for the circle and a single red one as focus. After every candle had been placed she lit them. She took the orb of Thessula and sat down in front of the magic circle. The clock announced midnight. Willow raised her arms and began to chant.

"Ancient gods I call out to you!
Take my blood as sacrifice and fulfil my wish!"

Willow reached out for the dagger and hesitated. (What am I going to do? What right do I have to judge him?) She felt uncertain. (The right of the victim!) her evil side replied. (What do you think he´d done to you if he had not been interrupted? Go on, he deserves it!)

She cut her hand and let a few drops of her blood fall onto the orb, then continued.

"I demand for vengeance,
so hear the curse and make it come true!

Let him who has done this to me
be punished for all eternity!
Never without agony,
tormented by memories,
always haunted by his sins,
alone
never able to break free,
damned until the end of all days!"

She dripped some more blood onto the orb and looked up to the full moon.

"Ancient gods I call out to you,
listen to me and fulfil my Wish!
I command to his soul: RETURN!"

The red candle flickered and died. The orb began to glow brighter and brighter until it shattered and the light disappeared.

(Happy birthday, Spike!) She laughed and blew out the black candles.

He plunged the railroad spike into his victim´s heart wishing it was Willow´s.

Spike got up and let his gaze roam over the cemetery. The pain hit him unprepared.

He gasped and fell to his knees. Fire seemed to race through his veins as he cried out in agony. Then everything went black.
 

~Part 2~ Atrocities

I am the breath behind you neck
I am the devil on your back
A little demon in your mind

I am the harvester of hate
A twilight entity of wrath
I always sneak up from behind

The dark anxiety of sin
Is always growing deep within
I am the source, it´s pounding heart

I am the king of suicide
All that you´ve lost and tried to hide
I am the master of the art
I´m evil

Seducing, misleading
Disaffected, deceiving
I control you emotions
I set free your mindless - lifes

I am the figment of your brain
My mission is to cause you pain
I love to do the things you hate

I am the harvester of hate

["I am" by Lefay]
 
 

Prologue

He opened his eyes slowly. As he tried to move pain raced through his entire body. He flinched but clenched his teeth and got up. His gaze met several gravestones.

(I´m on a cemetery. How did I come here?)

He looked around in confusion not able to remember anything. Then his gaze was caught by the body in front of him.

It was a girl, her features frozen in horror. Blood was dripping from her neck and worst of all, a railroad spike stuck in her chest.

(Oh my god, who would be able to do such a cruelty?)

He realized the taste of blood in his mouth and the memory came back without any mercy. He fell to his knees next to the dead girl his eyes widened with terror.

In mind´s eye he saw his victims, the face of everyone he had ever tortured and killed.

Spike struggled to his feet and started to run not able to bear the sight of the dead body any longer.

But he couldn´t run from his memories.
 

Part one

"I´m not sure if he´s still in town. We were searching for him for about three month. What do you think?" Buffy turned around to face her companion.

"Perhaps you´re right but for what reason he would have left?"

"So you think he´s still here?"

"I really don´t know." Angel shrugged. Buffy´s eyes narrowed as a thought came to her mind.

"Angel?"

"Yeah?"

"Spike is your childe, right?"

"Yes. But why do you ask?" Angel gave her a questioning look.

"I thought you might be able to sense him in some way."

"Because I´m his sire?" Buffy nodded.

"I can try if you want, but I´m not sure if it´s going to work."

"Why not? Giles told me once every master is able to sense his children."

"Normally." Angel agreed.

"What does that mean?"

Angel´s gaze focused on a point behind her shoulder and he started to explain.

"I was able to sense him until Spike was about one hundred." He was silent obviously lost in memories. Eventually he sighed and continued. "Relationships between vampires are very... unusual. Especially between a childe an his sire. The sire forces the childe into submission to show his power."

"How?" Buffy wanted to know.

Angel glanced at her before his gaze drifted away again. "Violence and sex." His whisper was bearly audible.

Buffy swallowed. (But I had to ask.) She took his hand and squeezed it. "Go on, please."

"I used to be more cruel than necessary..."

"Not you but Angelus." Buffy interrupted. Angel nodded slowly and continued this time using third person narration in order to make it easier for him to speak about his past.

"Angelus hurt other vampires not only to force them into submission. He liked to hear them scream in agony. Spike was his favourite victim." His gaze met Buffy´s. She could see the pain in his eyes and her heart ached. Angel took a shaky breath and went on.

"You have to know that Spike wasn´t always as cruel as he is today. I´m not talking about his human days but his early years as a vampire. He was the gentlest vampire I ever met. If I didn´t know better I would be sure he still had his soul in these days." Angel swallowed heavily.

"His gentleness made him vulnerable therefore Angelus chose him as his favourite victim. He tortured Spike until there was nothing left in his mind but anger and hate then he broke him." His eyes met her shocked gaze.

"Yes, it´s true. In some way I am responsible for the vicious killer Spike has become."

Buffy wanted to say something but he stopped her. "I dominated and tortured him and he started to dominate and torture others. This went on for over a century. It was the time when he got his nickname."

"What happened then?" Buffy asked in a silent voice.

"The gypsies cursed me. As soon as Spike recognized I wouldn´t stop him he left and took Drusilla with him. End of story." He shrugged.

"That´s why I´m not able to sense him anymore."

Angel avoided her gaze. He´d seen her shock about his deeds and didn´t want to see her hate.

"Angel, look at me." As he didn´t move she gripped his chin and forced him to meet her gaze. Dark brown orbs full of pain and self-hatred met green-brown ones filled with love and understanding. She stroked his cheek.

"I don´t blame you. It was Angelus not you. You wouldn´t do such things to anyone." Buffy tried to comfort him but his anger upon himself was too strong.

"Right. But I´m able to help you searching for him." He chuckled cynically.

"First I´ve taken everything from him and now I´m assisting you with killing him. You´re right, I´m a great sire!" He spat the last words out in disgust then turned on his heels and left.

He was starving. He had not fed for over two month. He had been tempted to try as his hunger grew but had not been able to harm anyone. Not even a rat.

Spike laid on the hard floor of the old mansion, curled up into an embryonal position. He had come there because he didn´t know where else to go.

He hadn´t changed his position for three weeks. First he had not wanted to move anymore and by now he was too weak. He wouldn´t be able to move only one inch in order to save his undead life.

Actually he didn´t want to save it anyway.
 

Part two

Buffy entered the library.

"Hi, Buffy." Willow greeted.

"And where is Angel?" she questioned as the vampire didn´t appear behind her friend.

"No clue." Buffy shrugged but Willow could see the hurt expression in her face. She closed her laptop and looked at the Slayer.

"What is it?"

"Nothing." She shrugged again. Willow frowned.

"Buffy Anne Summers, don´t even try to deceive me. I´m your friend and I can see something is wrong. So go on, tell me."

Buffy saw the resolute expression on the red head´s face and sighed. Knowing there was no escape she started to repeat the events.

"And you´re sure he was talking about Spike? I-I mean Spike´s not quite kind of a person I would think about in connection with gentleness."Willow couldn´t help being sceptical.

"Me neither." Buffy agreed. "But we should consider the possibility Angel´s right. In fact he knows Spike for a long time so he might be able to estimate him better than we are."

Willow nodded slowly. If this was true...

(Oh my god, what have I done!) She thought about the spell she had performed on Spike two month ago. If Buffy was right...

(I punished an innocent.) The thought shocked her. (Don´t be stupid! Did you forget what he´s done to you?) Her evil side interrupted. (Spike an innocent victim? I don´t think so.)

Willow had to agree. A gentle Spike was really hard to imagine if not even impossible.

Angel sat in his apartment. Brooding.

He had not been thinking about his past with Spike for a long time. Perhaps he had tried to suppress the memories in order to let the wounds heal. But now they were tore open once again and hurt like the first time.

Caused by the mental pain his game face appeared. He laid his head back and howled. The long painfilled tone cut the air.

A sire´s cry for his lost childe.

He didn´t notice his surroundings because he didn´t care anymore. He was caught in his own terrorizing memories just wishing for death to come.

Suddenly he observed a change. His nerves began to vibrate and his whole body tensed in attention.

Though he couldn´t hear it he felt his sire´s cry.

"Angelus!" Spike´s mind called out as the connection disappeared and left him in despair.
 

Part three

They were standing in front of the Bronze.

Xander shivered.

"Did you hear this?" Buffy nodded.

"It sounded weird. I´ll patrol once more. Perhaps I´ll find out what makes such noises. See you later." Xander agreed and she left.

Buffy entered the mansion. Something she couldn´t name had dragged her there.

(Okay, it won´t hurt to look around once more.)

She didn´t find anything and was leaving as she recognized the curled up creature. Even though it faced the wall she could say who it was.

(Spike!)

She pulled a stake out and approached him carefully. She didn´t want to kill him if it was avoidable. Sure, he was her mortal enemy but if Angel was right...

"Spike?"

No reaktion. She took a few more steps in his direction.

"Spike, can you hear me?"

Nothing.

(Hm, he´s definitely not himself otherwise we´d have a hard fight.)

"Buffy!" She spun around.

"Angel?" She took a step back in surprise and didn´t notice the figure on the floor began to move.

He could hear it. The heartbeat of the prey.

Spike´s features shifted as his demon came forth. He tried to suppress it because he didn´t want to hurt anyone but it was too strong.

His yellow eyes focused on his prey as if nothing else existed then he attacked.

Buffy´s slayer-instincts felt the movement behind her. She turned around. Stake raised.

The stake hit Spike´s chest and punctured his heart before she could prevent it...
 

On the edge of paradise
Tears of woe fall, cold as ice
Hear my cry
Renounce, have you, thy name
Eternal is my pain

["The divine wings of tragedy" by Symphony X]
 

Part four

"NOOOO!" Angel´s anguished scream echoed through the mansion.

Buffy turned to face him. The last thing she saw from the corner of her eye was a relieved expression on Spike´s face.

She walked over to the other vampire in order to comfort him.

Angel had turned not able to watch his childe change to dust. As Buffy reached him she touched his shoulder and led him into another room.

Neither the Slayer nor the vampire looked back. One because she knew she´d find a pile of ashes the other because he simply couldn´t.

"Angel, I´m so sorry..." Buffy started as they reached the other room. His gaze met hers. His yellow eyes widened with shock. Bloody tears streaming down his cheeks.

Buffy didn´t know what to say. Actually there was nothing she could say to take the pain away. Lack of a better idea she embraced Angel as sobs began to shake his body.

"Shh", she tried to calm him down while stroking his hair.

"He was my childe." Angel whimpered.

"I... I should have protected him!" He continued to cry in despair.

"I´m sorry. I didn´t want to kill him."

"I don´t blame you." Angel sniffed.

"He attacked you. You had no choice", he added his voice barely more than a whisper.

"But why?" Buffy asked. "I mean he didn´t even seem to notice me. So why did he attack me?"

"He was starving." Angel mentioned to say between his sobs.

Buffy nodded. (And I was the prey.) She thought as she continued comforting the vampire.

"Angelus..."

Angel pricked up his ears. This had not been Buffy calling for him. She´d never have called him Angelus.**

"Angelus..."

There it was again. Weaker than the first time. So even with his vampiric senses he could barely hear it.

"Angel, what´s wrong?" Buffy asked as his body tensed. He didn´t answer but got up.

She hurried after him in order to stop him as he went in direction of the room where Spike has died.

Buffy didn´t want his pain to increase by seeing the remains of his childe.

She bumped into him as he suddenly stopped. As he didn´t start to move again she glanced around him carefully.

Like him she was shocked.

(That isn´t possible!)

But it must be because there on the floor where only a pile of dust should be laid Spike.

Bleeding from the wound in his chest but alive, em... undead.
 

Part five

Buffy found her speech first.

"Did I miss something or do vampires usually die if they were staked through the heart?"

As Angel didn´t answer she shrugged. (Fine, so we have another mystery caused by living on the Hellmouth. Okay, no good Slayer without a challange... but I think this is just a little too weird.)

"Spike?!" Angel finally mentioned to say with astonishment.

He moved forward and sat down on the floor next to his childe. Then placed Spike´s head carefully in his lap and pulled the stake out cautiously.

As he saw the blood flow from the hole in the other vampire´s chest he bit his wrist and held it to Spike´s mouth.

Spike´s features shifted to game face as he smelled his sire´s blood. He drank greedily like the starving demon he was.

Eventually Angel began to feel dizzy and had to remove his wrist. He licked the wound and it healed in an instant.

He cradled his childe in his armes and looked up. "We have to get him out of here."

First Buffy didn´t reakt because she was fascinated by the tender scene in front of her. Finally she nodded.

"Okay, but where to?"

"My apartment." Angel suggested and got up. His childe still pressed to his chest.

As Spike awoke he didn´t know where he was. Eventually he came to the conclusion it must be Angel´s apartment.

(But why am I not dust?)

His memories were not quite clear but he was sure a stake had punctured his heart.

He looked down and saw the bandage around his chest.

(So I didn´t dream it.)

He removed the bandage to be sure.

There it was. A wound right upon his heart which was nearly healed and therefore didn´t hurt anymore.

At this moment the anguish came back.

Spike burried his face in the pillow and started to cry. "Why didn´t I die?! I wanted to die!" he whispered over and over again.

Buffy stood in the doorway. She couldn´t believe what she was hearing.

"... wanted to die! Why didn´t I die?! I wanted to die! Why..."

"Spike?"

The chanting stopped and he met her gaze. He saw his mortal enemy and his body tensed in defence.

She looked at him. He was thinner than normal because of his fasting. His ribs set off and his skin had an unhealthy tinge of grey.

But worst of all were his eyes. Once filled with a special kind of humor they contained nothing but the pain and agony of a deadly wounded animal by now. It was almost frightening.

Buffy couldn´t bear this sight any longer so she left to tell Angel his childe was awake.
 

Part six

"I wonder what has happened to Spike." Buffy took a sip from her drink then glanced at Angel.

"It seems as if he´s got a soul."

"Are you sure?" Buffy frowned with disbelief.

"I don´t know, but his behaviour is like mine was when I got cursed."

"Do you think someone cursed him, too?"

"I really don´t know." Angel shrugged.

"But it would be possible", he added.

"Yeah, I think with the number of his enemies it´s probable. You can bet one of them will demand for vengeance sooner or later." Buffy agreed.

"It seems like sooner."

"Assumed you´re right. I think we have to ask Giles. Perhaps he´ll find out something."

Buffy entered the library and was relieved to find only Giles and Willow .

(Fine, none of them will say something to hurt Spike. I don´t believe I care for SPIKE! Weird.)

Soon she was going to notice her mistake.

"Hi, Giles." Buffy greeted.

"Hello, Buffy. Are you alone?"

"No actually I´m not. Angel is with me and... someone else."

"Do we know him?" Willow asked.

"Yeah, you could say so... Oh shit, this won´t work! ANGEL!"

Giles arched an eyebrow at her language but said nothing.

A few moments later Angel entered the room followed by... SPIKE?! Giles was speechless but Willow didn´t have such problems.

"You brought this KILLER here?!" the same Willow who was known as everybody´s best friend yelled with a hatefilled voice.

Spike flinched under her words as if she had whipped him. His gaze focused on the floor like there was something very interesting and he took a step closer to his sire.

"Willow!" Buffy was shocked by her friend´s behaviour.

(I should have known it. Since Oz broke up with her and moved to New York she´s not herself anymore. And after all Spike did to her...) The red head was furious. "How could you dare to bring him here?" she hissed.

"I..." Buffy tried to explain but Willow won´t listen. Instead she got up. Stake in hand.

"I´ll stake the bastard for what he´s done to me!" It was obvious she was deadly serious. Angel pushed Spike behind his back in order to protect his childe.

"Out. Of. My. Way!" Willow growled her green eyes gleaming with wrath.

As she tried to push him away Angel growled back at her his eyes flashing yellow.

"Stop it! All of you." Finally Giles found his speech.

Everybody stopped immediately astonished by Giles´ outburst.

"Willow, your behaviour is childish", he continued causing the red head blush.

"I have to agree. Besides staking him won´t help. I know that because I staked him already."

Willow and Giles glanced at Buffy like she was insane. "It true." Angel confirmed. "Her stake punctured his heart but he didn´t turn to dust." Willow frowned and Giles had to sit down.

"Would you mind to fill us in?"

"Okay. Have a seat." Buffy started as she sat down. Angel and Willow joined her and Giles at the table while Spike crouched down in the opposite corner of the room trying to make himself as little as possible.

"And there he was on the floor with the stake still in his chest." Buffy finished her report.

"Weird." Willow remarked. She had calmed down and was fascinated by the events.

"Right, but this is not the whole story." Buffy went on.

"What else could be more strange?" Giles demanded to know. His belief shook deeply.

"Angel is convinced Spike´s got a soul."

"WHAT? This... I mean... Huh... I think we should do some research."

Giles managed to say eventually.** Willow had to suppress an evil grin. (So the spell worked. Strike!)

While they were researching the hours went by. Nobody paid attention to Spike until it was too late...
 
 

~Part 3~ Wounds

See me as I am
I have to close my eyes and bless the night
Keeping all my comfort in a jar
I should have known that this is far from
What I wanted now I tremble with fear

Hold me now
Close to the warmth of your smile
Watch the sky
Listen to why I can´t stand this life

What I want is not the things I need
Look can´t you see me bleed?
The wounds don´t seem to heal
What I want is not the things I need

["Wounds" by Hollow]
 

Prologue

Dawn started to illuminate the sky.

The first rays of sunlight fell through the windows of the library drawing patterns of light and shadow while creeping over the floor.

Spike watched the deadly force approach, fascinated by it´s beauty. The golden spots crawled towards him slowly giving him enough time to leave but he didn´t move. Just kept watching.

Soon there were only inches left between him and the golden death. His skin began to tingle as the demon within demanded for shelter.

Finally Spike moved.

Not to go away but to touch the sunlight.

With a slow but resolute movement he extended his left hand into the beam of light.

He twisted his hand letting the shadow play on the floor in front of him.

The sun warmed his cold skin.

It felt good.

Then it started to burn... which was even better.

The pain caused the memories to vanish and allowed his soul to find some peace.

A happy smile appeard on Spike´s face while his hand started to smoke.
 

Part one

Like the others she was leafing through a book. Suddenly her Slayer senses kicked in. Something was wrong but she didn´t know what.

Sunlight fell into the library and she glanced at Angel to see how he was. He was still in the shadows and therefore safe for the moment. (But what else could be wrong?)

Then she observed the caustic smell of burning flesh and spun around. "SPIKE!" she yelled as she practically flew through the room. Three heads shot up to look in her direction.

Buffy grabbed Spike´s shoulders and pulled him into the shadows.

"Cover the windows!" she commanded.

While Willow and Giles hurried to do so Angel crouched down by her side with a worried expression on his face.

Buffy opened her mouth to say something but he shook his head. She respected his wish not to talk about this in Spike´s presence.

"Later", she whispered and Angel nodded in agreement.

"Is it worse?" Willow asked carrying a first-aid kit.

Buffy examined the burned hand.

"No, I think it´ll be healed tomorrow." She started to bandage the wound.

Angel knew it had to hurt but his childe didn´t seem to perceive the pain. It looked like Spike´s mind was totally absent.

"I´ll take him home."

Angel stood and pulled Spike to his feet. Then headed towards the sewers.

"Now what was that about?" Willow wanted to know as the two vampires had left.

"No clue." Buffy shrugged.

"Giles?"

"W-what? Oh, right. I´m sorry but I really don´t know."

"Did you find something about this strange thing? - The staking." Buffy explained as he frowned.

"Yes", Giles answered while searching for a definite book.

"Ahh, here it is... As this book says it must have something to do with the spell which was cast over Spike."

"Oh!"

"What´s wrong Willow?"

"Nothing, I, em, I just have to leave." Willow hurried out the door.

Buffy frowned then looked at Giles again.

"Anything else?"

"I´m afraid not." Giles replied.

"Great information. I think we all were able to find this out without a book." Buffy sounded disappointed.

Willow read the spell she´d cast over Spike again and again. She had thought she knew what the spell meant but she noticed she did not. The difficulty was the spell didn´t possess a clear message. Caused by careful reading she could tell it was ambiguous.

(Okay I think these are the parts I´m searching for.) "... be punished for all eternity, and ...damned until the end of all days", she read again. (Looks like I caused this trouble. - I´ll have to tell the others.) This thought made her shudder.

(Why?) her evil side asked. (It´s only Spike. Besides, do you really think it´s too bad to be immortal in every sense?) (Okay, but I hope the spell hasn´t any other hooks.) She sighed and read it again.

(But I´m afraid it has...)

"What´s wrong with you, Spike?" Angel asked as they reached his apartment.

"Nothing. Just some problems with my bloody soul, but I´m fine, really." Spike´s answer dripped with sarcasm. "Sorry, silly question."

"It´s okay. It just... hurts." His haunted blue eyes focused on his sire.

"I know." Angel´s gaze met Spike´s.

"No, I don´t think you´re able to feel the pain like I do."

"I have a soul, too. And you know I´ve done terrible things." Angel reminded.

"But you didn´t wake up With your soul in place and your latest victim right in front of you. The railroad spike still sticking in her chest and the taste of her blood in your mouth." Spike tried to suppress his sobs.

Angel didn´t know what to say so he finally embraced his childe in order to comfort him.

For the first time in his undead life Spike allowed himself to break down in his sire´s armes.
 

Part two

Spike was asleep and Angel was reading when it knocked on the door. He opened and was surprised to find Willow.

"Hi." Willow greeted a shy smile on her face.

"Won´t you come in?" He stepped aside so she could enter.

"Take a seat", he offered and they sat down on his couch.

"How is Spike?" Willow asked.

"Hard to tell, but it´s definitely not easy for him to deal with."

"Why? I- I mean you´re able to deal with your deeds as well."

"But it took me nearly eighty years to do so and it still hurts." Angel sighed.

"But you had nobody to help you, Spike does."

"I´m not sure if someone is able to help him."

"What do you mean?" Willow frowned.

"It´s much worse for him than it was for me." Angel mentioned.

"But why?" Willow was confused.

"After I got my soul back I was totally confused and without memory. So was Spike." Angel started to explain.

"But a few moments later the memories came back. Merciless. I was lucky because my soul didn´t return while I was draining someone or something like that. - Spike didn´t have such luck..."

"I don´t understand..." Willow started but stopped when Angel continued.

"He came to consciousness next to his latest victim. The railroad spike he´d killed her with still sticking in her chest and the taste of her blood in his mouth."

"Oh." Willow´s stomach turned and she had to swallow heavily.

"I´m sorry if I was too graphic." Angel excused.

"It´s okay. I just didn´t think it´d be that worse." Willow managed to say.

She laid in front of him the railroad spike still sticking in the ugly wound in her chest. His gaze slid to her face. Even in death her features were distorted with horror.**

(Oh God, what have I done?!) His eyes filled with tears. His sight became blurred. But his mind´s eye remained clear and showed him the fear-frozen faces of all his victims.

"Stop it!" he cried as he fell to his knees. His body started to tremble violently.

"Please stop it. PLEASE!"

Suddenly he saw a movement. His head shot up. He rubbed his eyes to clear his gaze and looked around.**

Nothing.

Finally his gaze was caught by the body in front of him again. After a while he was not able to bear the sight any longer and started to turn away.

From the corner of his eye he saw her features smoothen. Confused he looked in her now peaceful face.

At that moment her eyes shot open and her gaze focused on him. He shrank back from the dead orbs. She lifted her hand to touch him and he jerked back.

"Spike", she said as she got up to follow him. The railroad spike still sticking in her chest.

He started to run.

"Spiiikey!" Her melodic voice rang in his ears as she caught up with him.

Lack of any better idea he hid in a mausoleum but she found him.

"Spike, why are you running from me?" she asked as she approached him.

He pressed himself against the wall, shivering with fear. His eyes widened with horror. She was blocking the doorway leaving him no way to escape.

"Why so shy?" she mocked. "I know what you want", she added in a seductive voice.

As she stood right in front of him she cocked her head to show the twin puncture wounds he´d caused.

"Drink!" she offered. As he didn´t move she grabbed his hair. He tried to squirm away but she forced his mouth to her neck.

By the sweet smell of blood the demon within awoke causing a gnawing hunger. He felt his features shifting to game face...

"NOOO!" Spike woke up panting heavily. His own terrified scream echoed through the room.

Angel hurried towards the bedroom as he heard his childe´s cry.

Spike sat on the bed his rear pressed angainst the wall while his gaze roamed through the room hastily. His body trembled with fear and he snarled at Angel. His yellow eyes gleaming in the semi-dark room.

Knowing nothing else would help Angel let his own game face slide in place and started to growl quietly. Spike´s snarl became louder as he approached. Angel´s growl increased to the deep and threatening rumble of a powerful sire. Spike hissed but bowed his head in submission.

"Spike?" Willows voice sounded from the doorway. She´d heard strange noises from the bedroom and wanted to know what was going on in there.

By the sound of a female voice Spike´s head shot up. His body tensed and he showed his fangs in defence. Angel spun around and growled at her in order to protect his frightened child from a possible threat.

Willow jerked back as she heard the dangerous rumble. Four yellow flashing eyes followed her movements.

Eventually Angel recognized her and his growl softened. He sat down on the bed next to his childe.

Spike curled up in his sire´s protective embrace in an instant. Still trembling he started to lick Angel´s wrists while making whimpering sounds. Finally Angel bit his wrist and let his childe drink. A few moments later Spike had calmed down.

Willow left the apartment silently.
 

Part three

It was early evening and the sun had just set.

Buffy knocked and waited for Angel to open the door.

He didn´t.

She knocked again.

Nothing.

Finally she turned the knob. The door was unlocked and she walked inside.

"Angel?"

"Over here." The quite reply led Buffy towards the bedroom.

Angel sat on the edge of the bed the head of a sleeping Spike in his lap.

"Why didn´t you open the door?"

"I thought Willow would do so." He looked at her while stroking Spike´s hair.

"Willow´s not here." Buffy mentioned.

"Oh, I didn´t notice she´d left." He shrugged then nodded in his childe´s direction.

"Spike kept me busy."

"We wanted to talk." Buffy reminded.

"Right." Angel pulled carefully away from the bed in order not to wake Spike up. He glanced at the clock.

"Are you not going to patrol tonight?"

"Later."

"You can do it now as well. I´m going to accompany you." Angel suggested.

"That´s okay with me, but are you sure you can leave him alone?" She nodded in direction of the bedroom.

"He should be asleep for some hours." Angel answered while rubbing his wrist.

Buffy frowned as she saw the dried blood covering his wrist. "You let him drink from you, again?"

"He had a nightmare and this was the only way to calm him down. Besides he had to feed anyway." Angel shrugged.

"Are there not enough blood-bags in the fridge?"

"Sure, but Spike is not able to feed from them."

Buffy gave him a confused look. "Sorry, I didn´t get that. - Spike is a vampire and these bags contain blood... so where is the problem?"

"Since he´s got his soul back he´s not able to drink any blood but mine. As he tried it caused him to toss his cookies."

"Oh, and as Cordy would say: eew!"

She opened the door and waited for him to follow. "So come on, lets go."
 

Buffy was silent for a while.

Angel had just told her about the moment Spike´s soul had returned. (Poor Spike.) She couldn´t help thinking even though he was her mortal enemy.

"But why did he hurt himself?" she continued the conversation eventually.

"Spike tries to ease his mental torment." Angel answered without hesitation.

"How can you be so sure about that?"** He glanced at her before his gaze drifted away. "I´ve gone through this myself."

"Oh." Buffy didn´t know what to say. She´d never thought he could have had bigger problems with his soul. Sure he was cryptic and not happy at all but he seems to accept his destiny...

Then it hit her.

After his return from hell Angel had felt guilty for Angelus´ deeds. He´d even tried to kill himself. She looked at him with shock.

Angel knew what she was thinking and nodded. "I think it´s much harder for Spike."

"Why?" Buffy didn´t understand.

"Do you remember what I told you about him?"

Buffy´s eyes narrowed. "You mean this thing about the gentlest vampire you ever met?"

"Exactly."

"I guess you´re right. It has to be much harder for Spike." Buffy finally agreed.
 

Spike woke up, his tormented scream still filling the room. Though he needed no air he inhaled deeply in order to calm down.

(I can´t bear this any longer!)

He walked towards the bathroom to wash his face. After he´d finished he proped his palms up at he edge of the washbasin and looked into the mirror.

He needed no reflection to imagine what it would look like: pale skin and huge blue eyes with a haunted expression.

(I need something to keep the memories away...) His eyes narrowed. (Physical pain, that´s it. As Buffy staked me and as I burned my hand the memories didn´t hurt anymore.)

Spike returned to the bedroom to search for Angel´s anti-vampire supplies. He jerked back as he opened a box with a cross in it. (Exactly what I need.)

He extended his hand to touch it but stopped as a thought came to his mind. (The others would recognize the burns. Hm, I need something that hurts without leaving visible signs...) His gaze roamed over the supplies. (But what?)

Eventually he found what he was searching for and a satisfied smile appeared on his face.

(I think this is going to work.)
 

~Part 4~ Salvation

Who tells sader stories?
Tears in broken eyes
Telling ´bout the worries,
Search for cure from whys.

A something to believe in, not leaving, still living.
There must have been a reason for all, she said.

Fading hours of pleasure and pain,
Trust me now, it wasn´t in vain.
In this life some things will remain
From fading hours.

["Fading hours" by Rage]
 

Part one

They attacked from behind.

One of them nearly got Buffy but Angel pushed her aside just in time. They spun around to face their attackers.

It were six of them. Vampires.

Buffy took three and left the other half for Angel. She punched the first one in the face causing him to stumble backwards. The second flew throught the air and landed hard on the ground after he´d caught a kick in the gut.

The third vampire grabbed her from behind but she got rid of him by pushing her elbow into his solar plexus. While he was gasping for unneeded air she plunged a stake through his chest and he turned to dust.

Angel had some more problems. His three vampires attacked simultanously. That wouldn´t have bothered him normally, but he hadn´t fed after he´d calmed his childe. Therefore he didn´t possess his full strength at that moment.

He managed to kick one vampire in the face sending him to the ground with a broken nose. Ducking under a punch he spun around and thrust a stake into the second attacker´s heart. Then turned to face the third one.

Just as he´d staked him he felt a kick in the back sending him to the floor. He tried to ward it off but was not quick enough. So the following brutal punch hit his jaw, dazing him. The attacker grabbed the stake, ready to plunge it into Angel´s chest.

Meanwhile Buffy had staked another vampire and was busy with her last one. After a few punches and kicks she had him on the ground and staked him. Turning to Angel she saw her love on the ground. Obviously dazed and not aware of the stake pointing towards his heart.

"ANGEL!" she cried out as the remaining attacker pushed the wood downwards. She started to run but knew she wouldn´t be quick enough...

Suddenly the vampire froze a surprised expression on his face. Then he turned to dust.

Spike grinned at the confused Slayer.

"That´s timing, isn´t it?" He chuckled while helping his sire to his feet.
 

Xander jumped from his seat, cross in hand.

Spike jerked back and growled low in his throat.

"He´s with us, Xander, so put it down." Buffy commanded as she entered the library behind her former enemy, followed by Angel.

"You brought this KILLER with you? Are you crazy?!" Xander sputtered still holding the cross up.

"Someday I´m going to kill this sod." Spike muttered under his breath. Angel heard him and gave him a strange look but said nothing.

"Okay, short version: he´s got his soul, he´s on our side and a few minutes ago he saved Angel. - Now would you PLEASE put this thing away?!" Buffy asked impatiently. Xander looked at her in confusion but took the cross away. Buffy and Angel sat down at the table.

"I need a smoke. Going to join you later." Spike explained as he turned to leave. Cordelia chose this moment to enter the library.

"What..." she started as she bumped into a lean but muscular chest. She stepped back to see whom she run in.

"Spike!" she squeaked with a terrified expression on her face.

"In the flesh." Spike replied dryly.

"I leave it to you to fill her in", he added facing the Slayer. He looked at Cordelia again and shook his head while his eyes turned upwards in an annoied gesture.

Cordelia jerked back as he passed by and Buffy started to laugh. Spike just sighed and left.

"I... was this... This was Spike!" Cordelia eventually managed to say. "You don´t say." Buffy mocked her eyes widened with fake astonishment.
 

"Hi Will, you wouldn´t believe..." Xander started as the red head entered the library, but was cut off by her.

"Hi everyone. - Where´s Spike?"

"You know?" Xander´s eyes were about to pop out of his head. Willow didn´t reply because the answer was obvious.

"Spike has gone outside to smoke. Didn´t you meet him when you came here?" Angel asked with worry.

"No, but I didn´t search for him either."

Spike put the two things back in the pocket of his duster carefully. He took another deep unneeded breath in order to control the burning pain inside his body.

Finally he walked back towards the library, feeling much better. His mind once again free from the agony of his memories.
 

Part two

Willow smiled at Spike. She really liked him despite what he´d done to her and they´d become close friends in the past weeks. They spent most of their time together whether patroling or researching. If they didn´t do any of these they went to the Bronze joining the others and having fun.

The others had accepted Spike even though he was almost back to `his good old annoying self´ as Buffy had put it.

(I´m so glad the spell didn´t have any further hooks...)

"Want to dance?" Spike interrupted her thoughts.

She nodded and he led her towards the dancefloor. As they reached it the music turned soft and Spike looked at her questioningly. Willow grinned at him and put her arms around his neck. Gently he encircled her waist and they started to shove to the music.

She liked it. His cold skin under her fingertips, his lean muscular body pressed against her own...

He pulled her closer wanting to feel her warm body, her breasts rubbing against his chest... Spike looked down at the woman in his arms. Her eyes were closed and her head rested on his shoulder.

He lift one hand and caressed her beautiful red hair. She opened her eyes and looked at him. Green orbs focusing on blue ones. Slowly Spike started to bent his head for a kiss and Willow turned her face up to welcome him.

His lips brushed her mouth softly in a tender question for more. She opened her lips in response allowing his tongue to enter. Spike deepened the kiss and her hands wove into his hair holding him to her mouth.

Finally he broke away. Though he needed no air he breathed as heavily as she did. They walked back to their table, desire still burning in their eyes.
 

"He´s recovered quite quickly." Buffy mentioned as she sat down on Angel´s couch.

"Yeah, he´s even able to feed from blood-bags. - I think it´s strange." Buffy frowned and he started to explain.

"As he got his soul he was nearly starving because he didn´t feed for over two month. He was haunted by nightmares and couldn´t feed from any blood but mine. And then from one instant to another..."

"... he´s back to his good old annoying self." Buffy completed the sentence.

"Do you..." she hesitated. "Do you think he lost his soul again?"

"No, it´s still there it just seems to hurt him no more. - Enviable if you ask me." Angel gave her a sad smile.

"But how did he manage this?" Her eyes narrowed. "Did he hurt himself? - I mean you once told me he might do that in order to ease the mental pain."

"This thought came to my mind as well, but I don´t think so."

"Why?" Buffy asked.

"If he did so there would be marks on his body but there are none." Buffy nodded.

"I see. Perhaps he´s stronger than we supposed." Angel gave her a doubtful look then shrugged.

"Perhaps", he eventually agreed.
 

Part three

His hands were trembling. His body ached with need.

He pricked the needle through the lid and filled a syringe with the liquid the bottle contained. He pulled the thong around his upper arm tight and proceeded to open and close his fist until he could see the veine. Injecting the liquid he breathed heavily as pain started to radiate through his entire body. After he´d regained control he leant back against the wall in relief.

Spike didn´t notice the pair of green eyes watching him through the chink.
 

Willow closed the door to Spike´s apartment behind her silently and put the key back into her pocket.

She was shocked about what she´d just seen. (Oh my God, he´s a junkie!) It shot through her mind, but as hard she tried she couldn´t figure out why.

(I´ve to know what kind of drug it is.)

Because she could hardly ask him, she decided to snatch the bottle and take it to Giles. (Perhaps he´ll be able to tell what it is.)

She unlooked the door again and opened it.

"Hi Spike!" Willow called out, pretending she just had arrived.
 

"Anything?" Willow asked as she entered the library a few days later.

"Lab-report is on the table, but I haven´t read it yet", Giles replied from the stacks.

Willow took the papers out from underneath the bottle with the liquid in question and started to read.

"The lab-report?" Buffy suggested as she came in. Willow glanced at her and nodded.

"What does it say?" Angel asked while he examined the bottle.

"It´s only water." Willow informed as she´d finished reading, a confused expression on her face.

"But for what reason would Spike inject himself water?" Buffy´s eyes widened. "Unless..."

"... it is holy water." Angel added while rubbing his burned fingertips.
 

Part four

She slumped on her bed, tears streaming down her pale face.

(Oh God, what have I done?!)

[You made him suffer just like you wanted.]

(But I didn´t want to hurt him this much!)

[What did you think his soul would do to him? - Itch a little?]

(No, but I thought he´d be like Angel. Brooding and sad and...)

[Don´t expect me to believe what you´re saying. You don´t even believe it yourself!]

Willow closed her eyes in anguish.

(That´s not true!)

[Sure it is. As you cast the spell you knew exactly what you did.]

(But I didn´t recognize it´s ambiguous. If I´d known...)

[... you wouldn´t have changed a thing.]

(No, I´d never have cast the spell if I´d known the effects.)

[Whom are you kidding?]

(I´m serious!)

[And pigs can fly. - I guess to remember you were searching for the worst you could do to Spike, because you hate him. So where´s the problem?]

She clutched a pillow to her chest and started to sob.

(But I don´t hate him.)

[Wait a second, you DON´T hate him?]

(Right.)

[Then why the hell did you curse him?]

(No clue.)

[Willow!]

(Okay, okay, perhaps I was a bit angry.)

[Right, and hell is a nice place for a summer vacation.]

Willow growled and punched the pillow.

(Damn, yes! - Yes, I hated him for what he´d done to me. Yes, I wanted him suffer. - Are you happy now?)

[Just if you tell me what changed your mind.]

(I came to the conclusion he´d suffered enough for his deeds.)

[Oh, and here I was sure to remember something like "be punished for all eternity" and "damned until the end of all days". Sorry, my bad. Besides, your view of "eternity" is quite short, you know.]

Her fist hit the pillow again.

(Oohh, just shut up!)

[No.]

(Why not?)

[Too much fun.]

(Ha, see me laugh!)

[I won´t go until you´re honest with yourself.]

(I am.)

[Are not.]

(Am too.)

[Are not.]

(Am too.)

[... You know what? This is annoying.]

(Then go, I don´t hold you.)

[Okay, I´ll leave. - For now.]
 

Part five

Spike woke up. His head hurt. He moved carfully in a sitting position and looked around. (Why the bloody hell am I in a cage?)

"He´s awake." Spike turned his head to see who was speaking.

"Good. I was already afraid you´d hit him too hard." Buffy said. Angel just shrugged.

"Would someone mind to fill me in? Is this a bad joke or something like that?"

"Nope. We´re going to help you." Buffy answered.

"And for what reason you´re sure it´d help me to stick in a bloody cage?"

"We´ll need the cage to keep you under control during your treatment for drug addiction." Angel explained.

"My WHAT?" Spike looked at him with surprise.

"It´s not the smartest thing for a vampire to inject himself holy water." Buffy mentioned.

Spike´s eyes widened with horror as he realized what that meant.

"Let me out of here, immediately!" he yelled while jolting the bars.

"Not until you´re clean."

He laid his forehead against the cage-door and sighed.

(Shit!)
 

"How is he?" Willow asked as she entered the mansion later that evening.

"Surprisingly quiet and bearable considering we´re talking about Spike." Buffy answered and nodded towards the cowered figure inside the cage.

"Spike?" Willow crouched down next to the trapped vampire. His hopeful gaze met hers.

"Will you let me out of here?" She shook her head sadly.

"Then leave me the bloody hell alone!" Spike hissed and turned away.

Startled by his harsh statement Willow flinched slightly.

"Just ignore him." Angel suggested.

"I´m off for patrol." Buffy nodded towards Angel.

"He´s going to stay and help you with Spike."

"Okay." Willow agreed and stood.

Angel sat down on the couch while Willow started to pace in front of the cage.

"Have a seat." Angel offered after a while and patted the couch. She shook her head and kept pacing. She was too nervous to sit still. Angel shrugged and started to read because watching her made him feel dizzy.

"Just the bloody hell sit down! You´re driving me CRAZY!" Spike growled eventually.

Willow jumped in surprise but did as requested after she´d shot Angel a sheepish grin.

Spike wanted to cry out in agony, but he didn´t. He´d kept his control for hours but now the pain had become unbearable.

(At least the memories don´t hurt yet.) Knowing the anguish would return after the physical pain had vanished, this thought was only a slight comfort. But a comfort nevertheless.

He laid down and curled into a ball. His arms protectively clutched around his bent legs. His knees touching his chest.

His whole body ached with need and he started to tremble violently from the agony. It was worse than the holy water had ever been.

(Who would have thought a vampire could become dependent on holy water. Might be a funny thought if it just didn´t hurt that much! - Oh fuck!)

Spike panted heavily in order to surpress the pain as good as he could. But it wasn´t enough. Sweat mixed with tears streamed down his face.

He bit his lower lip to keep himself from whimpering. By the taste of blood in his mouth his stomach turned and he needed all his will-power to prevent himself from heaving.

Finally he couldn´t take anymore. He just wanted to die.

The first muffled sob emanated from his clenched teeth.
 

Part six
 

Willow watched the suffering figure inside the cage.

[Oh, he´s all suffering and crying. A nice sight, don´t you agree?]

(No!)

[Come on, enjoy it. There´s nothing better than someone suffering from a torture you´ve caused.]

(I caused this?)

[Sure.]

(But the spell should only cause mental pain not physical one.)

[As you said: it´s ambiguous.]

(What do you mean?)

[Oh, I´m just talking about a little sentence in the spell which says "never without agony". - What do you think does it mean?]

She heard Spike whimper and flinched.

(Oh God!)

[I take it you understood. As long as he´s tormented by physical pain his memories won´t haunt him, but afterwards...]

(That´s cruel.)

[It is, isn´t it?! I´ve to admit you´re very talented in torturing your victims. Now sit back and let us enjoy the show.]

(Are you crazy?! - There must be something to help him, something to break the spell...)

[Pfft, you´re boring.]

(Get lost!)

[My intention anyway.]

He would do everything. Even beg though he´d never begged in his whole unlife.

Spike forced himself into a sitting position and rested his trunk against the bars. He gritted his teeth in order not to scream as a new pain raced through his body.

"Please", he eventually managed to say. His voice barely more than a whisper. But Willow heard it.

"What do you want?" she asked in a soft voice as she approached the cage.

"I..." Spike clenched his teeth as another wave of pain flooded over his system.

"Are you hungry?" Willow suggested. In fear she´d bring him some blood he shook his head hastily. The sudden movement caused the pain to explode inside his head and he closed his eyes in agony.

"What is it?" she asked with worry as she saw tears streaming down his cheeks. Spike opened his eyes slowly and looked at her. Then his gaze drifted away and focused on something behind her. Seeing the longing in his eyes Willow knew what he was looking at. The bottle with holy water on the shelf. She only shook her head in response to his silent question.

Spike suddenly jumped to his feet. Fear and anger gave him strength.

"Why not?" he yelled startling Willow. She opened her mouth to answer but he went on.

"It´s my body and I treat it like I´m pleased. It´s none of your bloody business! Now give me that bottle!" His human mask flickered and disappeared unveiling his demonic features, but Willow stayed steadfast.

"No."

"As soon as I´m out of here I´ll kill you for that", he hissed.

Willow was shocked about this last sentence even though she knew Spike wasn´t in his right mind. She watched him collapse on the floor as the wrath vanished and left him in despair.

"He didn´t mean it." Angel comforted her.

"I know."

At the sound of his sire´s voice Spike raised his head.

"Please."

Angel shook his head.

"I... I´ll do everything, just give me the bottle." Spike begged his imploring blue eyes focusing on his sire.

"No."

Spike swallowed heavily and took a deep unneeded breath. His last try took him a lot strength of mind.

"You..." he swallowed again. "You can have me", he finally stated as he started to unbutton his shirt not caring about Willow.

Angel was shocked. It had to be worse than he´d thought if his childe made such an offer. Spike hated being fucked by a male, therefore Angelus had used to rape him very often. Angel closed his eyes at the pain of the memory. "Stop it, instantly!" he eventually managed to say.

Spike flinched at the harsh tone but stopped. He lowered his hands slowly from his half-buttoned shirt and bowed his head, both in submission and despair. He´d offered all he had to give and had been denied.

Willow decided not to ask. At least not yet.
 

Part seven

Angel opend the cage-door. The last weeks had been hard. They had forced him to drinking some blood. Spike had cried, begged and raged but eventually he´d defeated the addiction.

The blond vampire didn´t look at his sire as he left the cage. His head hung down and his shoulders slumped with the weight of his guilt. His gaze never left the floor as he walked towards the door. It was a pitiful sight.

"Spike?" He winced as Willow´s soft voice reached him. Images of tortured bodies shot through his head and reminded him of how he got this name.

"Please don´t call me that", he said in a quiet voice and left without looking back.

[Now we´re back to mental pain. Not bad as well.]

(You´re disgusting.)

[Thank you.]

(This wasn´t meant as a compliment.)

[But I took it as one.]

(You´re morbid.)

[As much as I like being flattered but I´ve to know what you´re going to do next.]

She came to the conclusion her evil side was annoying.

(None of your business.)

[Come on, tell me!]

(No.)

[Yes.]

(No.)

[Yes.]

(... Okay, okay, I´m going to visit Spike.)

[He don´t like being called Spike anymore, remember? - I think it´s a shame. It was such a cute nickname!]

Willow shivered. This part of her mind was really frightening.

[So why do you want to visit him at all?]

(I cursed him, therefore I feel responsible.)

[We already went this way but I want to know the truth.]

Her evil side started to hum the song to which she´d danced with Spike weeks ago.

(It´s got nothing to do with that.)

[Then why did your breathing increase?]

(Did not!)

[Did too. - Now tell me, what does he mean to you?]

(Nothing.)

[And you expect me to believe this in earnest?]

Willow sighed.

(Perhaps I like him. Just a little. - I mean he´s gentle and courteous and witty and sexy and...)

[There we are!]

(Pardon?)

[You said he´s sexy.]

(No I didn´t. Did I?)

[One hundred percent positive.]

(And that´s really all. I- I never said I´m in love with him.)

[But you are.]

(Yes.)

Her head shot up.

(I am? How is this possible? We´re talking about SPIKE! - The sexiest vampire on the planet. Oh, bad Willow!)

[Hey, it was my job to say this!]

(I love him!)

[Did it hurt much?]

(What?)

[Admitting it.]

A smile crossed Willow´s face as she opened the door to Spike´s apartment with trembling hands.

(I love him!)

[You already mentioned this.] (Just get lost.)
 

The music was deafening.

Willow closed the door and listened to the lyrics of the heavy metal song.

Live in darkest dreams; Drugs roam in my head
Nothing´s like it seems; Still the blood is red
Myself is what I hate; My living and my lie
I bow to my fate; Never change it, never try

I hate myself, don´t call my name
HATE IS STRONG, HATE IS BLACK
KILLS THE LIGHT, NO WAY BACK

She watched as Spike started to bob his head to the music.

DON´T GO MY WAY
DON´T GO THIS WAY
OH GOD HELP ME
HERE´S THE ROAD THAT LEADS TO HATE

Knowing the lyrics expressed his feelings she kept listening.

The shit of all the years, it lies upon my soul
Depressions and my fears, things I can´t control
The days are painted grey, I never see the light
I throw myself away, give up, never fight

He still hadn´t observed her. She looked at him. As usual he was dressed all black. Since he got his soul he didn´t wear his favourite red button-down shirt anymore, because it reminded him of the blood of his victims.

DON´T GO MY WAY
DON´T GO THIS WAY
OH GOD HELP ME
HERE´S THE ROAD THAT LEADS TO HATE

The sun sometimes shines, upon my wretched mind
But I just close my eyes, and hate is what I find
Hope is what I need, despair is what I give
Hate is what I feel, hate is what I live

She walked towards the stereo and switched it off. Astonished by the sudden silence Spike looked up.

"Hi Spi- em, William." Willow greeted shyly. He tensed as his mind added "the Bloody". (At least she didn´t call me Spike.)

"Leave me alone!" he whispered his eyes holding nothing but pain. It broke her heart.

She couldn´t tell why but suddenly she found herself kissing him passonately. He was surprised but didn´t try to shove her away. After a while he returned the kiss.

His hands slipped under her t-shirt. She didn´t wear a bra and he moaned in pleasure as he caressed her breasts. She pulled at the buttons of his shirt, tearing them off if they didn´t open quick enough.

Spike stood and removed his clothing then he returned to the bed and got rid of hers as well.

He kissed and licked his way down her neck towards her breasts. Eventually his mouth captured one of her pebblelike nipples while his fingers twisted the other. She threw her head back and groaned.

He could smell her arousal and brought one hand down between her tights. She gasped as his fingers stroked her clit making her juices flow. Spike´s mouth went down her body until his tongue licked her silken folds. He felt her stiffen beneath him and sucked her clit making her explode into orgasm.

He kissed her again allowing her to taste herself. Willow could feel his hard shaft rubbing against her hot entrance. Teasing her. She grabbed his hips and tried to pull him closer.

Spike growled and thrust into her. She groaned and bit his shoulder in order not to scream as he tore the thin membran.

Caused by the feeling of her blunt teeth in his shoulder, the damp warmth surrounding his cock and the smell of her virgin-blood he lost the little control he´d kept.

He growled low in his chest as his game face appeared. With a groan of pleasure he sank his fangs into her neck while he thrust in and out of her.

Willow climaxed a second time and the feeling of her clenching vaginal muscles around his shaft and the sweet taste of her blood in his mouth sent him over the edge as well.

Spike removed his fangs carefully from her neck and laid down next to her. After he´d covered them both with a blanket he pulled her heated body against his cool chest.

She snuggled up in his embrace, loving the feeling of his muscular body against hers.

He started to lick the twin puncture wounds on her neck. She knew his game face was still prevalent because she could feel the ridges brushing over her neck. A very femal smile appeared on Willow´s face as she realized that it was her who caused him to lose his self-control completely.

"I love you", she whispered.

In response he started to purr and she drifted to sleep.
 

Part eight

She opened her eyes to see him standing in the doorway. With a yawn Willow got up into a sitting position and looked at her love. As usual he was wearing black jeans, red button-down shirt and... RED button-down shirt?!

"William?" she asked uncertainly. Spike grinned at her.

"I´ve worked very hard on getting my nickname, therefore I´d appreciate it if you´d use it."

She paled.

(Oh God, he´s lost his soul the same way Angel did. - Wait a moment, there wasn´t any happiness-clause in the spell.)

[I´m sorry but this isn´t fully correct.]

(You mean there was one?)

[Something similar.]

(What?)

[Think yourself!]

(Why?)

[Because I´m not going to tell you.]

(That´s mean!)

[Hey, I´m your evil side, so what did you expect?]

Willow recalled the spell and analyzed it again. Spike watched with amusement as her inner conflict began to show on her face.

(There´s nothing. Actually his soul should have been constantly.)

[As you see, it wasn´t. - Next try.]

Willow just shrugged.

[Your luck I´m such a nice guy. - Okay, perhaps you should try the part after "always haunted by his sins".]

(That would be "alone, never able to break free"... I see absolutely no connection.)

[Are you sure there was a comma within the sentence?]

(Fuck!)

[Exactly.]

"Spike..." she started.

"Oh, I´m honored you still remember my name even though it took you quite a long time." He gave her a mischievous grin. In her mind she went back to their first meeting after he´d returned to Sunnydale. At that time he´d said something similar.

She held her hands up in defense as he approached the bed causing the blanket to slide down her body.

"Just let me explain..."

"Nice tits", he stated.

Willow´s face turned red as she pulled the cover over her breasts.

"I´m so sorry. I really didn´t want to curse you..."

Spike arched an eyebrow.

"I mean actually I wanted because otherwise I wouldn´t have cast the spell. It´s not like someone gets cursed by accident..." [Oh yeah, that was really smart. If he didn´t want to kill you first he´ll do it now for sure!]

"Willow, you´re babbling." Spike interrupted as he sat down on the bed.

"Please don´t kill me."

He looked at her with astonishment. "Why the bloody hell should I kill you?"

Willow was speechless.

"You, em, you mean you don´t want to kill me?" she finally managed to say.

Spike nodded.

"But why not?" [Are you trying to convince him to do so? - Otherwise shut up!]

"Actually I have lots of better ideas to spend my time with you." She saw the desire burning in his blue eyes and her vaginal muscles clenched in anticipation.

"I- I don´t understand this. - I mean Angelus..."

"Don´t compare me to that wanker!" Spike snarled.

"S-sorry!" willow squeaked.

Spike sighed.

"Okay, I´ll explain it. - We mated, they didn´t."

"We WHAT?"

"Mated, pet."

"But they had...- you know what I mean - as well. So were´s the difference... Oh..." she trailed off as her hand touched the twin puncture wounds on her neck.

"And what exactly is the meaning of "mated"?" Willow asked shyly after a while.

"It means that both the demon and I are in love with you and therefore it´s unimportant if I have a soul or not."

"You´re in love with me?!" Willow gasped.

Yes, and I´d rather die than hurt you."

"What´s about my friends?"

"What do you mean."

"I don´t want you to hurt them."

"Not even a tiny pummeling with the Slayer or my sire, the wanker?"

"Nope." He pouted.

"Okay. Let me guess, it´s the same with Xander?" Willow nodded and grinned.

"I want you to play nice with all of them."

"No bloody way. You can call yourself happy if I don´t try to kill them!"

"Please?" Willow looked at him imploringly. He lowered his head in defeat.

"You got me."

"And about your feeding..." she continued. His head shot up.

"Don´t even think about it. I. Won´t. Feed. From. Blood-bags!"

"But you promised not to hurt me."

Spike gaze met hers. She read confusion in his eyes.

"It hurts me if you kill humans."

"That´s blackmail!" he growled. She smiled.

"Okay, I´ll only feed from them and try not to kill them."

"TRY?!"

"All right, then I WON´T kill them. Happy now?"

"I´d prefer the blood-bags."

"No."

"But..."

He cut her off with a passionate kiss.

(I´ll work on this later, much later. - Ohh, Spiiike!)
 

The night is gone,
The time has come
To find a new day has begun,
An´ it promises to stay...
To soothe the pain of wasted years
An´ kiss away the bitter tears,
A love to light the way...
And from the darkness
Comes a smile,
That reaches out for many miles,
Touching everyone...
No more shadows of the past,
Your spirit free to fly at last,
Shining in the sun...

Like rolling thunder
I feel the power of love,
It´s a gift from heaven
And the Lord above...

We walk toward desire,
Hand and hand
Through fields of fire...
With only love to light the way
On the road to Judgment Day...

Take it easy, take it slow,
I´ll take you anywhere you wanna go,
Places never seen before...
´Cos I love you, an´ I need you,
I´ll do my best to please you,
My love can open any door...

When you hear the thunder
In your darkest night,
I´ll be there to hold you
When the lightning strikes...

So don´t you worry,
You can ease your mind,
´Cos we´ll still be dancing
At the end of time...

Who loves you, who needs you,
Who´ll do his best to please you,
I love you, I need you
I´ll get down on my knees...

We walk toward desire,
Hand and hand
Through fields of fire...
With only love to light the way
On the road to Judgment Day...

["Judgment Day" by Whitesnake]
 

And this is really the end, as in the meaning of: and they lived happily ever after.
 

back