Journal of Rupert Giles, Watcher
Sunnydale Hellmouth
mm/dd/yy
I am no stranger to fear. How could I be? The son of a line of Watchers that extends back into time so distant that even our journals cannot speak of with certainty, I grew up upon stories of vampires and demons so horrible that even nightmares cannot admit them without the dreamer being consumed. I called upon a demon in my youth, foolish and rebellious, and saw it destroy us.
And the Hellmouth. That beacon which summons to it evil so foul that a man's soul recoils within him. Day after day, I stand alongside my Slayer as she faces them. And despite their repulsiveness, the reek of evil that emanates from them, I have not faltered.
I can no longer claim that this is true. For with the return of the vampiress Drusilla, I find that my will to act has been lost to an all consuming terror. She is not the most dangerous of foes, and yet, I would more easily walk into the mouth of Hell itself that drown in her mad eyes once more.
How smug some of the Council members would be should they hear those words from me. Watchers are observers, a distant, emotionally unattached figure whose only duty is to guide their Slayers into battle. We are told that the Slayer is a soldier, we need not be concerned with her emotions, we need not learn to love her. We are immersed in an ancient battle -- one that leaves Watchers no time to know their own hearts. Our emotions are something which much be shuttled aside, cast away so that we may better battle the darkness.
I have never been able to lock away my feelings so easily. I love Buffy, she is my daughter, my friend. And as I opened my heart to her, so too did I open it to others: Willow, Xander, Cordelia... and Jenny.
Our kind do not live long, happy, content within the warmth of love. With Jenny, I allowed myself to forget that, to dream of a life beyond duty, beyond continual death. What harm can dreams do? I asked myself. How could emotions so pure, so strong, be harmful?
What a fool I was.
I learned. Drusilla reached into my mind, swiping away the barriers that I had erected to protect myself from that which lurks in the depths of my mind, always. It was if they were nothing to her. I was opened before her, heart and mind and soul laid out, helpless. And she reached within me, and used all that I cherish to hurt those who I have pledged to protect.
She terrifies me. She violated me, she used my love of Jenny, twisted it. I fear what she did to me -- I think of her, and my knees tremble. She has dashed away all of my strength and left me with nothing.
Such a fragile looking creature, mad and childlike. And yet, she has managed to upturn all that we have built amongst us without even attempting to do so.
I see it in Buffy as she trains with me. Drusilla will always be a part of Angel, the memories of what he did to her will forever haunt him. She has claimed a part of his soul, and Buffy fears that he will never be released from his twisted bond to her. She knows, too, that as Angelus turned against us, Drusilla regained her sire in full. What more could Drusilla want than to once again claim that which she feels is hers?
Angel is guiltier than ever, the mark of the Sidhri upon Drusilla a clear indication of what his actions against her drove her to. He destroyed her twice, taking her sanity and her life, and then, abandoning her.
My heart aches for Willow, and I fear what Drusilla may do to her. Willow has taken both Spike and Angel away from the vampiress, and I doubt that even the control of her new master could completely eradicate the rage that she must have felt towards my young charge. Beyond the threat to her physical safety, I fear for Willow's heart. She has come to depend upon Spike's presence in her life, and the return of Drusilla has upset the balance achieved between them.
I don't know what to do any longer. I fear for myself, I fear for those I most care about.
I am drowning, sinking beneath a sea of terror and indecision. For the first time in my life, I find myself wishing that I were capable of that blessed lack of emotion.
~End~