He'd led a hard life. Pain, blood, death, all of it had tainted his life even before Angelus had invited a demon into his body. At first, when his own blood still pounded hot and vital through his veins, he hadn't cared because caring only left one open to the sudden, vicious strike of betrayal and loss. And then, he'd closed himself off so tightly that even had he wanted to taste emotions untouched by rage and fear, he would have been hard pressed to lure them back into his heart.
His blood had left him, and he survived only on the stolen lives of others. He hadn't cared then, either. The demon had thrived within the barren landscape of his heart, and they had gloried in all the darkness that the world had to offer.
When she had come, pale and dark, innocence and death, child and seductress, he had crumbled inside. The emotions that he had locked away as weak had crashed down upon his head, and he had been lost. All the blood, all the death and fear and agony that had driven him was nothing without the raging fire that burned in his blood with her at his side.
He had never thought to find another creature capable of igniting such feelings within him... and had never even dared imagine that such depths of passion could be returned. Drusilla had loved him, he knew, in her own way -- her heart wavering between him and their sire. When they were together, sweet and lovely and _his_. And Angelus', too... the dark shadow he cast over their lives dwarfing the tender bonds between he and his Dark Goddess, the pain Angelus promised a summons his childe could not resist.
But this woman _loved_ him. Her red was splayed out on the pillow, a blood red halo around her pale face. Long eyelashes fluttered -- dark against her skin -- as her eyes shifted in her sleep. Her breath was deep and even, the steady sound of her heart assuring him that she hadn't slipped away.
He couldn't quite place when the shy attraction lurking in her eyes had blossomed into something different. He hadn't even seen the love shinning in the clear green depths of her eyes until her actions had all but screamed for him to look and find what she was offering.
She had brought him back to life, magic and love reaching outwards and pulling him back together. She had nearly killed _herself_ doing it, too. The thought left him cold and empty, and his finger rubbed against her cheek. She sighed and leaned into the gentle touch, the trust she held in him manifest even in her sleep.
"You bloody fool," Spike murmured, his thumb rubbing against the soft flesh of her face. "My life isn't worth yours, luv." He didn't want her life in his hands, he didn't want his destruction to be capable of dragging her into oblivion with him.
'If I weren't as selfish as I am, I'd leave and let you live without me darkening your life.' He wouldn't, though. Perhaps Angel would have had the self-sacrificing nobility to tear himself away and remain apart from the light of his own light-bringer -- but Spike had always placed great interest in his own needs and he wasn't about to give up such a gift.
Especially now that he was finally starting to realize that he... cared about her. Whatever it was that burned in his heart for her, it wasn't the simple attraction and slightly bewildering tenderness that he had first labeled it as.
When the stake had pierced his chest, plunging into his heart, the last image in his mind had been her face. He had sought her out even as his body started to tear apart into dust. Their eyes had met, and Spike had felt a burst of anger, not because death loomed before him but because he would never again look into her glorious eyes, or hold her in his arms.
'Bloody fucking unbelievable,' he thought, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest. He had expected to play a bit, enjoy himself with her, but emerge unchanged -- untouched by her light. And yet, here he was, his mind running in circles trying to avoid giving name to what his heart was demanding he recognize.
He shook his head irritably. "What have you gone and done to me, pet?" Spike sighed. Leaning down, his lips lightly brushed against hers. When he pulled back, he saw a small smile curving at her lips.
And despite his best efforts to stop it, he felt an answering smile on his own.
~End~