E - Mail: Penny19000@aol.com
Feedback: Yes, please! Privately.
Pairing: Willow/Spike
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Spoilers: Up through all of season 4, AU thereafter.
Summary: Spike and Willow have feelings for each other.
Archives/Distribution: Yahoo Groups mailing lists. Anyone else who wants to archive this, feel free.
Disclaimer: Mutant Enemy, Inc. and Fox Television own all. I make no claims to anything.
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You'd think I would have noticed before how sexy Spike is. I never had - there was Tara, and I was convinced that I was gay. Plus the whole evil vampire thing
It's amazing what a few months can do. Once Tara had broken off our relationship on grounds of my being more involved in helping my friends than wanting to be around her, I started looking at both men and women. Being attracted to both isn't really something I can help. It's - just the way it is. I've come to realize it's the person I like, not their gender. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to come to terms with about myself, but - I'm bi.
And, yes, I kinda like Spike. I know weird that is, how wrong it is, but I do like him. He was always sort of smart and sarcastic, and he's also a little different now since ADAM betrayed him and didn't remove the chip as promised. I think it was like a great big wake up call for him, because he's been making some - changes. He's been helping us because he *wants* to, and the snippy comments are at a minimum lately. I still don't think he actually likes any of us, especially Buffy, but he's trying. He also moved out of that crypt and into an apartment building run by a Vorach demon. His exact words to me about this - " The chip won't let me be a monster like I'm supposed to be; can't be a man, either. May as well try to be *something*, though."
So he'll be there at our meetings, and it'll be all can I do to keep concentrating and not lose myself in the traitorous thoughts that are starting to happen far too often. What would it be like to kiss him? How would that body feel against mine? How would that *naked* body feel against mine?
Yes, he's sexy.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not under any illusions. I know he doesn't think of me in that way at all. I don't think he really thinks of me at all, period. I'm probably just *there* to him. In the background, with my research and my - niceness, which now that I think of it, he most likely hates so he avoids me. Which is just fine, because I'm not sure I could stand his full attention. He has this way of looking at you like he's looking into your very soul, trying to figure out all of your secrets so he can use them against you later. I don't think he's out to hurt any of us anymore, but he has that way. It's unnerving. I think it's the demon; the predator going for *any* sort of weakness it senses. The really strange thing is that I'd still trust him to protect any one of us. He saved Xander from getting bit last week; claimed he didn't know it was Xander, but I don't believe that for a second. And he's prevented Buffy from being really out numbered during a fight a lot of times. I honestly think it's a good thing that he's around.
Like I said, though - no illusions. I know what he is; I've read the books. *Vampire*. That chip doesn't equal a soul. And I'm human. Anything with him - it's just a fantasy.
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You'd think I would have noticed before just how alluring Red is. I never had - was wasting my time fixating on the damn Slayer. Plus the whole wanting to kill the whole lot of them thing
It's amazing what a little time can do. Once I started thinking about the whole ADAM thing and realized that I'm pretty much stuck with this damned chip, I started to not hate them all so much. I started to not mind them, sort of even like them.
And yes, I really like Willow especially. I know weird that is, how wrong it is, but I do. She was always the nicest to me out of any of them, and she's smart, and dedicated. She's almost impossible not to like. I wonder if my trying to do something better with myself means anything to her, if she's noticed it.
So I'll be there at their meetings, and it'll be all can I do to keep concentrating on whatever crises is afoot and not lose myself in that *scent*: in the traitorous thoughts that are starting to happen far too often for my liking. Would she ever let me kiss her? What would that little body feel like against mine? Would she let me lick -yes, lick- her just so I can get a taste of what goes with her scent? Bloody hell - that scent! Blood coursing through her veins, and vanilla; or maybe lavender or honeysuckle sometimes, and something uniquely *Willow* It's... It's sexy, is what it is.
Yes, she *is* sexy.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not under any illusions. I don't think she thinks of me in that way; that I might find her attractive. I'm probably just a nuisance to her; just there to be tolerated. Which is fine, because I don't think I could take her getting much closer. She has this way of just getting to me; getting me to care about things when I'd rather act like I don't care at all. It's unnerving. Imagine that - big bad vampire being so nervous and confused over a girl. She brings out all these feelings and instincts in me that I had thought died when Dru left. Kill for. Die for. Protect. Love.
Like I said, though - no illusions. She's human. Witch, yes, but still human. Humans are meals, or in rare cases, pets. Anything with her - it's just a fantasy.