Disclaimer: written by Joss, owned by Fox or Global (not quite sure), Mutant Enemy (Grrr Argg) umm…. And everybody else… oh yah, UNP (I think though I'm not exactly sure… BtVS is still on the UPN web site so I will list them just in case)
Pairings: W/S…. eventually
Rating: PG-14 (you watch the show and you’ll be fine
Summary: Willow takes on a task
Spoilers: Don’t know names so I’ll explain. The episode where Willow comes back to Sunnydale and Buffy and Xander can’t see her, after that it’s no mans land.
Note: I was supposed to write this one with my sister, Ray, but she liked what I had and told me to do it on my own. *waggles a fist at Ray* Look what you did, you meany! I mean, now you cant take half the credit. Oh well… *grins* now I can gloat and you cant blame me.
Note 2: Just so you no, this one’s a little angsty so read with caution… I’m not used to writing Spike in the crazy way so you’ll have to bear with me, I’m trying my best.
Dedication: You’ve probably guessed already but for those you who haven’t this only happened because me n’ Ray got talking one night about how it sucks that Buffy and Spike are together. Everyone knows that Slayer/Vamp relationships don’t work so we decided to write something that makes more sense. You know how heated Witch/Vamp relationships can get. So thanks Ray for asking if I wanted to write this one with you and thanks for dumping the whole thing on me after I wrote one chapter! I love you; you are the best big sister in the world!
Feedback: I promise I will write faster if I get some… if I get any. Please…. I’ve have got any at all from “Mine” and I thought it was okay… *hangs her head in shame* I hope I’m not that bad cause, if I am, I quit!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~Part: 1~
Willow slowly took a step closer toward him. Something tugged at her heart. Something about his tangled hair and half done up shirt that revealed a badly gnashed chest caused something to burn in her lower stomach. It wasn’t just his appearance though, there was something about his eyes that reminded her of someone but she couldn’t place it. It had been a long time since this creature had stirred anything in her. Face it Rosenberg, it’s been a long time since males in general have ‘stirred’ anything in you.
Willow couldn’t help that panic that was creeping up on her. Remember Tara! You loved her. You still do. You always will! Why is anything happening with him? Willow stepped back and breathed deep, trying to keep her emotions in check. Physically, she was in control but the supernatural power and darkness that radiated from this man caused what little control she had over her emotions, her anger, at the moment to waver.
“Why isn’t anyone talking to each other? Why are you all talking to me? ...Button, button, who’s got the button? My bet is on the witch! Red’s been a bad girl.”
Willow frowned. Dammit! He knows something… I should have guessed. “How do you…? I’ve gotta go.” She made her way wearily back up stairs. There wasn’t time for her to stay and discuss what he meant, something was happening and she needed to stop it. The thing that’s out there is doing things and making it look like what I did when I was evil. It needs to be stopped and being here is just wasting time. I don’t even know why I came here. I mean, there’s that big evil and…
Days later
Willow felt tears burn at the back of her eyelids as she fell to ground reading the inscription on the stone before her. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered as she ran her hands through the grass in front of Tara’s grave. It felt soft and ruff at the same time and it gave her something to keep her centred.
“I promised to always love you. I do love you and I always will, but you’re gone now and…” she trailed off, searching for the right words. Speaking to the woman that she had planned to spend the rest of her life with while she wasn’t even there scared her more then anything she had ever had to face. The fact that, in truth, she wasn’t there made it all the more harder.”
“I think it’s just a kind of ‘Help-Those-Who-Need-Help-To-Get-Over-The-Guilt-Of-Almost-Killing-All-My-Friends' sorta thing. He just needs some help; it’s as plain as the air and the earth. He’s changed, I can see it in his eyes whenever I can force myself to meet them.”
She sighed and quickly added, “You know how I told you about Angel with me returning his soul and then Buffy sending him to hell? And then how he came back and him being all animalistic? Well, I think I need to do that with Spike.”
She thought of her words and a small smile touched her lips. “Not the whole things with the kiss-age and Xander finding us in the mansion and everyone confronting me latter on…. Just the: helping him through the hard times part. I hope you can understand why I need to… have to do this.”
She touched her fingers to her lips and then ran them across the name engraved, permanently in the stone before her. She touched the rocks one last time and smiled—a gift from not just her, but Giles as well. A prayer; a silent plea. You should be in a place where you’re happy, warm and not mad at me. Please… don’t be mad.
She walked with her arms around her middle back to where Xander stood. He was ready to take into his arms if she needed him but still kept his distance. Their relationship was going to need some major reinforcements if it was going to last.
“How are you?” he asked her softly.
Willow smiled. “I could be better. There is no way now I could wish that she would come back to me. I think that it would be harder for me if she were around. I love her, but if she were to be around… I think all she would do is remind me of the evil that I have inside of me. She deserves to rest and I deserve to move on.”
“If that’s so… aren’t all of us—me, Buffy, Dawn—a ‘reminder’?” Xander watched her closely as one of those ‘I’m-thinking-so-shut-up-and-wait’ looks appeared on her face.
“No. You remind me of why I stopped. Not just you but the whole gang. I wouldn’t have been able to stop if all of you hadn’t been there, in my mind,” Willow whispered. “Let’s go. Knowing our luck, we’ll be on research duty pretty dang quick. This lull can’t last for long.”
~~~*~~~
Spike shook his head. “No… I need to hide my face. You know what I’ve done.” He tried to move further into his corner, turning his head so that it was in complete shadow.
Willow sat down next to him and gently touched his chin. She couldn’t see it, but she knew his eyes were on her. “What is it that I know?”
“Who I h-hunted w-with. W-what I did to th-the g-girl.” Spike stopped and was silent a moment before finishing, “Who m-made me.”
Willow frowned. After two days of just trying to get Spike to talk to her she was starting to get impatient. His constant rapidly changing subjects, self-loathing and almost physical pain were starting to take its toll on her. She wanted so badly to help him but he still hadn’t told her what was hurting him and her anger was so close to the surface after seeing him that after leaving the school she would spend at least an hour avoiding anything with a human face. Please, tell why you're hurting. I want to… need to help you.
“No! You shouldn’t be here without your slip. You could get in trouble you know.” Spike stood and walked over to lean against some boxes. “If you get caught, you might get in trouble. They will take you away.”
Willow stood as well and glared at him. Her face was in complete shadow, but she knew he could see her. “Don’t change the topic, damn you!”
Spike shoved off from the boxes and came right up to her. “Do you see the stars and the moon?”
Willow bit the inside of her cheek and tried to control her now shallow breathing. He stood close enough that if she moved, even just a muscle, they would be touching. What is wrong with you, Willow? He’s just Spike. You know: “The big bad and all that.” You’re here to find out what’s happening to him not to… To what? What are you doing… what is he doing? This is no seduction; this is an insane man that needs comfort.
“Dru did,” Spike continued, not caring, noticing or just ignoring the change in her breathing, heartbeat and behaviour. “She made me what I am today, but she didn’t have her slip. She got in trouble. She had to pay the price… needed to say ‘ello to the bright and cheery. I’m surprised she didn’t call me up to join her or at least to watch but she got in trouble, she did. No fun and games. You need to have your slip.”
“Let’s go out side,” she whispered and grabbed his hand. He wants to see the stars? I’ll show him the damn stars!
A few minutes later, the platinum blond and the red head sat on the roof of Sunnydale High. It was a clear night and the stars shone brightly in a perfectly clear sky.
A night from long ago flashed into Willow’s mind; she buried it instantly. “Is this what you wanted to see?”
Spike smiled. “She named them all you know. Every last one, but even she was bright enough to know that it’s simpler to name them one name. She thought it would bring confusion; it brought harmony instead.”
“Is that harmony too quiet?”
Spike shook his head. “William is a bad boy. He did many things that he shouldn’t have. He lied to the slayer about his Sire; about how he was brought up, and about how he killed them. He didn’t tell her about the one that no one knows about. She only asked for two though. Still should have told her about the cute blond one.”
“Lied?”
He began to laugh. “I told her that Dru was my Sire,” he said between bouts of laughter.
His went from out right whoops down to giggles before he stopped. “The boy knows. He knew since the first day we came face to neck. I got damned pissed with Angelus. Bloody pouf thought I would fall for his act. My Angelus was different… always will be. He didn’t have a slip though… he got in trouble.”
Willow was silent for a long time before asking, “Do you want to see him?”
~Part: 2~
Spike whimpered as the creature drew near in the form of a woman. She wore the face of innocence though he knew it for what it really was. Since he had returned she had haunted him in her many forms; changing shape between sentences and twisting his mind to fit her wishes. It hurt to look at her now.
She held no smell but his demon roared with terror and fury every time she moved close to him. There was no mistaking the fact that both he and his demon, together agreed on their feelings toward her. Never before but he figured that there was a first time for everything and he was glad this was it.
She was unadulterated evil. The goddess, think of the goddess, dammit!
Spike felt himself relax as he envisioned the red haired beauty that had saved him. If it wasn’t for her he knew that he wouldn’t have made it for this long. Her gentle words and soft touch was all that mattered to him. Her ability to sooth the whirlwind his mind managed to twist itself into with a single glance made him want to worship her, as she deserved.
She, as all did, had a past shrouded with darkness. He didn’t care what she had done. All goodness in the world came with a price and from the moment she had appeared in his existence he had wondered what hers was. Now he knew the price she had to pay for her eternal innocence. He, too, understood what it meant to be given a gift. To then be punished relentlessly because his demon knew already what the gift felt like was something that still confused him. He knew of the pain that his gift would cause so in return they gave him something that wasn’t his to have.
The darkness within her didn’t scare him as that of the creature before him did. Her darkness was held so close to her soul that even though, at times, it caused misery and despair, it glowed with a righteousness that had always been a part of her. No matter how tinted she became, his fire goddess would shine.
Hair like fire and eyes of emerald, there’s nothing else that she can be. Spike smiled and ran his hands through curly, misshapen hair. He knew that his dark roots showed but the goddess never complained. She looked at him as if he was real.
“I wont let her ruin my plans with you, I hope you know that.”
Spike grinned as he imagined what she would say if he showed up at her home. He knew where she was living but he wasn’t sure if the others there would welcome him. He had been a bad boy and now the only one who liked him was his fire goddess.
~Part: 3~
The door swung open and Willow surveyed what lay before her. She hadn’t really wanted to resort to this but the chasm that ran between her and Buffy – she once best friend – had only widened when she had informed her that she had no choice but to continue with the Wicca. That she *wanted* to keep on practicing it, in attempt that maybe she would be able to control herself one day.
Giles had already told the Slayer that if Willow stopped practicing, everything that he had worked for over the months that she had been with him in England would have been for nothing. If she didn’t use her magic, it would once again turn black and she would no longer be able to control it even to the slightest degree. Something else would set her off and the power that had built up would burst forward. It would all have been much, much worse then the first time around. The leader of the Scoobies, who was completely unwilling to believe that her using magic could be of any good, had forced her decision.
Thankfully, her mother had been in town so getting everything she needed hadn’t been as hard as she had expected it. Apartment hunting with her mother was trying but a lot faster and informative then having to do all the research alone and then walking to each of the places that she figured would suit her – and her “English exchange roommate.”
This place was one of Sheila’s first few choices but the last for the day. Willow trusted her since the woman was a seasoned real estate agent and property owner who just happened to share her husband’s lust for investing.
To be able to afford a nice place, Sheila had offered to pay Willow’s rent for the first year since she was renting to own – another difficulty when it came to finding a nice place to live in Sunnydale that was close to both the University and the Summers’ home – but under the guise that she wanted to make up for all the time lost with her daughter. After that year, Willow knew she would be on her own but she hadn’t expected Sheila to do even that much so she had already gotten in contact with a David Nabbit.
The man had been trying to get her to work for him exclusively – developing software – since she had sold a certain idea to Bill Gates that had sent his sales sky high back before she had met Buffy. Nabbit was willing to put her through school as well as giving her a biweekly paycheck – with room for raise, bonus and anything else he chose to add on – along with benefits and shares to the company.
The only catch that came with the job offer was that she meet him in LA. He had informed her early on that he preferred to know the person who was coming up with whatever new technology he was putting on the shelves for the masses to buy instead of a faceless alias. Also he had a ‘house call’ to attend to and he wanted to see her work when put on the spot. Willow understood and he had given her an address to meet him at that weekend.
It went well with her plan of bringing Spike to see Angel. She had a feeling that the vampire’s insanity could be relieved if he was with some family. All she had to do was call Angel and ask if it was okay if she stayed at him place while she was in town “with an old friend.”
“And the frog aquarium to your left accentuates the florescent green paint.”
Willow’s mind jumped back to reality before the word aquarium was out of Sheila’s mouth. She hastily looked around and breathed a sigh of relief. “I didn’t know that you knew about my frog-phobia,” she muttered while blushing, she hadn’t paid attention to a single thing in the apartment since the door had been opened.
Sheila gave Willow a critical look before sighing. “There’s a lot of things about you that I know, Willow. I just haven’t the time to speak with you. I know we haven’t spoken much since that Bunny’s mother had her aneurysm. I wish we could get together more often then we do.”
A knot formed in Willow’s throat as she remembered the more recent deaths that she had lived through and fought back tears. The next emotion running through her was one that she found harder to suppress – anger.
“Mom, when I told you I was lesbian you congratulated me for my decisions then left town for almost a year. When I told you that I was moving in with Buffy,” she stressed the Slayer’s name, “to help raise Dawn so that we wouldn’t loose custody of her you told me three days later that a distant cousin of mine that I had met as a very young girl had recently died and had named me as a beneficiary leaving me with quite a bit of money – that I know for a fact all came out of your investment folder because I hacked into your account to see if my suspicions were right. Before I could confront you about it, you skipped town again on a third honeymoon. When I told you about my addiction problem, you went pale before asking ‘what did I do wrong?’ then leaving for a conference in Boston. The reason why we don’t see each other more is because every time I approach you with something that’s going on in my life, what you’ve don wrong is: you leave and throw me a handful of cash on your way out the door.”
Willow walked away from Sheila to let her think through everything that she had said and wandered the apartment, really looking this time. The entire thing had been the attic of an old warehouse that someone had turned into a very large living area meant for the owners of the gym that was below it. The owners had bought themselves a home and decided to rent the apartment out.
The living area was spacious but once furnished would be nice and cozy especially with the wooden fireplace situated in the center of one wall. The room ran into a huge kitchen, which contained more counter space then Willow had ever seen plus a breakfast nook that was tucked into a corner beneath a large window and an island. The dinning room was big enough to fit a table meant for ten people with plenty of room to spare. Back out in the living room a hallway led to the master bedroom with a full bath, two other, slightly smaller rooms, and another bathroom.
All in all, Willow knew it was perfect.
“I want this place,” she stated firmly.
Sheila was surprised but it proved distraction from Willow’s little speech. “You like this? The only windows are in the kitchen and the master bedroom,” she exclaimed.
Willow shrugged. “I’ll think about talking with the owners. Since I’m renting to own they might consider letting do some renovations.” Her words were spoken in a soft and ‘barely there’ voice.
After a moment she came back to herself and tilted her head slightly. “Not that any more windows are needed. If there were windows in any of the other rooms they’d only get a beautiful view of the dark and stinky ally,” she finished with a raised eyebrow.
A blush touched Sheila’s cheeks and she nodded and pulled out her cell phone. The ups of being an agent for her own daughter was that she could immediately have a place taken out of the running and needn’t worry about being out bided. A moment later and she disconnected with a big smile on her face. “The place is all yours. How bout we go furniture shopping?”
~~~*~~~
Spike watched it all fall away before his eyes. He ran his hands through his lengthening hair and clenched his eyes shut. When he opened his eyes again, it was still the same. “No, no, no, nonononononononononono!” He drew his knees up to his chest and muttered softly, “Need the slip. Can’t do without it. Willie’s been a bad, *bad* boy. Must be punished. Could get in trouble without the slip… It will hurt *so* bad.”
He moved his knees far enough away so that he could reach his chest. “Burns, burns so badly. Need to speak for the stars. Wants me to cast the moon in darkness.” He began to rake his nails across his chest as hard as he could.
“Spike, you have to stop that.”
Wild blue eyes looked up and he shivered. “William must be punished, voices are so loud. The fire goddess… so soft. But it sodding well won’t shut up.”
She sat back in surprise but soon grabbed his wrist and firmly whispered, “No more punishing.”
He shivered at her touch and a small smile tugged at his lips he let her remove his hands from his chest but continued to rock back and forth. “So dark… so bloody black. Screams of death without a single touch. Hafta stop, must stop.”
At the edge of his hearing a soft voice that sound so very familiar began to sing, “Early one morning, just as the sun was rising I heard a maid sing in the valley below ‘Oh don't deceive me, Oh never leave me, How could you use, a poor maiden so?’ …”
~Part: 4~
The address on the card matched the address on the front of the hotel that Willow stood across the street from. She couldn't help letting her jaw drop at the sight of the huge building. She had known that Angel was living in an old hotel through Giles and conversations with Cordelia – though few and far between – but this was way more then what she had ever imagined. She got over her surprise quickly and immediately turned back to the car to help Spike out. He cringed as the predawn light brushed against his skin and Willow cursed – though not literally – their late arrival. After he was out, she grabbed their packs that had been sitting on the floor of the car at his feet.
"You ready to see him?” she quietly asked the trembling vampire.
When he didn’t respond, Willow held out a hand to him. He clutched at her offered support with all his strength – which wasn’t much compared to what it had used to be since he hadn’t been feeding properly, or at all lately – as they crossed the dimly lit street, Spike dragging his feet the whole way. She couldn’t help but wince at the force of his touch but didn’t say anything knowing that the amount of pressure on her hand was nothing compared to what it could have been.
// Without a doubt, he has no idea what the hell is going on. // she thought grimly.
"Don't belong, the ticket only says one way and this isn't the way. Dru, baby, step away from the fire. Will burn like never before. Follow the stars across the world." His soft mutterings colored their journey to the door of the hotel entrance.
Willow took a deep breath and managed to give Spike’s hand a reassuring squeeze – though, whether he could feel it or not, she didn’t know – before walking through the elegant doors into an equally elegant front foyer. The first thing she noticed was that Angel wasn't present like he had said he would be upon her arrival. Instead she found herself being smiled at by a green, horned demon and a cute little brown haired girl.
The demon was at the desk that Willow assumed was the one that Cordelia had told her about – gushed about – during their last chat and the girl was sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by dozens of books looking as if she could use a good and long coffee break. Both of them slowly approached, the demon wincing slightly when he managed to get a look at Spike’s eyes. "I… uh… h-hello," she whispered.
"Hey, Sweetcheeks," the demon said, turning slightly away from Spike, a grin crossing his face as he looked her up and down. "How can we help you?"
"What makes you think we need help?” Spike demanded in a voice so like how he used to sound that it made Willow shudder. Just as suddenly, he began to cower against Willow's side and muttered, "William... must be puni- "
"What did I say about punishing? No more," Willow firmly stated while, at the same time, gently rubbing circles on the back of his hand. Turning back to the demon, she gave an insecure smile, glancing around hoping that Angel was hiding in some dark corner or another. “Where’s Angel?"
"Oh he’s out on a bit of business that popped out of the blue. Don't worry a bit Gorgeous, me n' Fred’ve got everything covered. Just tell us how we can help you and Blondie out and we’ll start the wheels a rollin’. When the boss gets back he’ll have a chat with you.”
Willow couldn’t help but smile at the demon’s exuberance. It shook her that Angel was working with demons now a days but this one didn’t seem that bad at all. After a moment she realized that Angel himself was a demon and the Scoobies had worked alongside with Spike for years now, silently she reprimanded herself for her thoughts before turning her attention back the things at hand.
With a weary sigh, she dropped the bags to the ground. Just as she was about to speak, Spike tensed at her side. She faced him; ready to do whatever it would take to calm him down. She was ready to be his anchor, but a glance into his eyes and she knew that he wasn’t seeing her, really wasn’t even there.
“Peaches and cream; bread and butter. Screams gather round to accuse and mutter. Words harsh and dry… Make me want to cry. Fire, pet, need to set it to the starts." He dropped to the floor and began to rock back and forth, looking shrunken and small to Willow’s eyes. "Whips, chains and handcuffs all to punish young little Willy. Sire's always right, never wrong. Bloody annoying thing, that."
Willow immediately sat down next to Spike. She wrapped an arm around his waist and squeezed him slightly in an attempt to comfort him. The constant changes were starting to affect her as much as him. From mindless, incoherent child back to a man that reminded her so much of the Spike he had been not so long ago all boiled down to a very scared vampire. The glimpses of the true Spike – that she knew of – were coming less and less. At least while he had been in the basement of the school. Hopefully now that they were away from that place he would get at least a little better.
"Willow? What's going on?"
Glancing over her shoulder, Willow saw Angel holding a broadsword. He was standing next to a black man who had an axe resting across the back of his shoulders. Both were covered from head to toe in demon slime – at least that was what Willow imagined it to be – confusion written clearly across his face.
// They must have come threw a sewer access because it was past dawn already. // was her stray thought.
She gently touched the edge of Spike's jaw, causing the vampire to shudder, before standing to face Angel. "Hello Angel."
~***~
The creature itself was gone but that thing – the voice – was singing again just in a much softer tone. It never kept quiet for very long. The song meant something, he knew but the thought of what it was kept on slipping through his fingers, especially when the voice gripped him, singing using his voice. Thoughts would churn through his head at a speed too fast for him to know the meaning so he would speak them aloud in hope that the Fire Goddess would know what they meant and so the song couldn’t be heard to any but himself.
The Sire and Fire Goddess were behind walls. Far from him but he knew that his name was upon their lips. She had kept her promise to bring him his Sire but there were so many changes. His Sire wasn’t who he was needed to be.
“What is it that makes you who you are, boy?”
The voice wasn't as strong as it had been.
// Tearing and screaming and dilly-dallying. Moments of fire so strong but now it doesn’t hurt so – The Goddess made this happen, always the Goddess. //
Moments after leaving the dungeon there had been so many changes. The walls had fallen away and the ground twisted beneath him, begging him not to leave. They had walked for an eternity before the stars had met them with a gush of cool air. They needed him to stay – to stay where the girl couldn’t be hurt any longer.
// Screams and ask me now why I could never – Never love or loved. //
Voice so strong before and face as hard as stone. "How could you hurt a poor Maiden so?" All gone and so very soft, whispers in the wind nearly lost by the voices of Sire and Fire Goddess.
It had sung through his mouth again and now the green was at his feet writhing; shrieking. Screams flung and terror –
// Run! Hide! Must be punished, Willie’s been a bad, bad boy.
// What did I say…? No more –
// But she doesn’t mean it. //
They accused him of so much and the Goddess cannot do more then stare in fear at the green on the floor. He can’t stop the sounds that it brings forth so still the green spills and looses itself.
He knows the look on her face.
// Ask me again – //
The darkness closes in and a scream burst from his throat replaces the thing’s song and he knows that to hide, he must go within the darkness itself.
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