Author: Sunshine

E-mail: dry.county@sollentuna.mail.telia.com

Feedback: I need it. Feed it to me.

Rating: NC-17.

Disclaimer: Do I really have to tell you? Joss Whedon owns the characters.

Spoilers: Nope.

Classification: Spike/Willow

Summary: In the future Spike and Willow meet and an already doomed relationship begins…

Lyrics: "Angel", "Building a Mystery", "Sweet Surrender", "I Love You", "Full of Grace", "Do What You Have To Do" and "I will remember you", by Sarah McLachlan

Special Dedication: This one is for Sara Cobbler. Hope you'll like this story, sweetie.

Dedication: Wicket, Yazmin, Grace, Michelle, Dagney, Angie, Katie, Emma, Irina, Makeda, Lisa, Chan, Barbara, Heather, Genna, Ariadne, Llewellyn, Sara, Becky, Mitzi, KatHy, Nita, Sherah, Claire, Nightbird, Danii, Kassandra, Ragna, Omega h and Monique.

Chapter One
 
 

Spike sank down against the wall. The pain was coming back, as it did every time he woke up. At sunset, when he opened his eyes for the first time, he felt nothing. Only numbness. But then the memories always hit him. And so did the pain. It started in his unbeating heart and spread out until every millimeter of his body ached. Drusilla, his dark queen, was gone. Gone forever, and he couldn't take it. Spike curled up like a ball on the floor. He tried to stop the tears but that only made it worse. Soon he was crying without stop. Screaming his love's name, calling for her. But she would never come…

An hour later the tears had stopped falling and he laid lifeless on the floor. What was the point of moving when it didn't bring him closer to her?

Spike grabbed his head with his hands. "No! Please no!"

The picture of her, lying bloody and weak in his arms sneaked into his mind. It was burnt into his memories and he couldn't escape it. He could still hear her humming a song to calm him while she died. She had been so beautiful. So bloody beautiful...

If he had had any more tears to cry then he would have shed them. But his eyes were dry.

Spike slowly dragged himself up. He needed to forget. To drown his memories. He grabbed his duster and went to the only place he could get some comfort.
 
 

*Spend all your time waiting for that second chance for a break that would make it okay,

there's always some reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day.

I need some distraction oh beautiful release

memory seep from my veins,

let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight.*
 
 

Spike sat down at a table in one of the corners of the bar. He liked it here. They left him alone, didn't ask any questions and most important of all they never said to him that he had gotten enough to drink. He stared down at the wooden table, waiting for the waitress to come.

"What would you like, sir?" he heard a young woman ask him and he looked up. The woman gasped in fright, putting her hand against her mouth to silence her scream.

"Hello, Red." He said with a little smile. He looked at her closely. She had changed. She was older, wiser and a lot more beautiful than he could remember.

"Spike." She said with a trembling voice.

"Get me something to drink and then come over and join me."

"I…I can't. I'm working."

Spike quickly seized her wrist and pulled her down towards him. Her eyes screamed of fear. "Listen to me, pet. If you don't do as I told you, you'll find your friend over there, bathing in his own intestines." He said in a low voice and pointed at the barkeeper. "Understand?"

Willow nodded and he let go of her wrist.

"What do you want to drink?"

"Tell him that I'll have the usual. He'll know."

Willow nodded and went to the barkeeper. Spike saw them have a conversation while the barkeeper made a lot of different drinks and put them on a tray. Willow took it and carried it over to the table.

"Thank you, Red." Spike said and gripped the first glass and emptied it quickly. If he was going to forget the past tonight he would need a lot of work. He saw that Willow was still standing so he made a gesture to her to sit down in the chair beside him. She did, and watched him finish another glass.

"He said that you come here often." She said, wondering why she started a conversation with him. After all he was Spike. A vampire who had tried to kill her and her friends several times in the past.

"Yes and I have never seen you here before."

"Oh, well I had vacation." Willow explained and watched him take another drink. "You shouldn't drink so much…"

Spike looked amused at her. "Oh, and why's that?"

"You'll get drunk." She answered simply.

"That's the point, love." He said emptying his glass. "So what did you tell him?"

"Who?" Willow asked confused.

"Your friend, the barkeeper."

"I said that you were an old friend of mine and so he let me have the rest of the night off."

Spike chuckled and raised his glass in a toast. "To old friends."

*******

A few hours later Spike was as drunk as he could ever become. The barkeeper came up to the table.

"You should probably get him home." He said to Willow.

"Me?" she exclaimed. "But…"

"He is your friend, isn't he?"

What could she answer to that? Willow looked at Spike; he was almost completely gone. She couldn't leave him like this, could she? If he weren't killed by vampires, he would most likely die when the sun came up in a few hours. So, why did she care? But she did. <Buffy's right. I'm way too kind-hearted! >

"Yes, of course." She said to her friend and he helped her support Spike so he didn't fall to the floor. The barkeeper fished up Spike's car keys out of his pocket and gave them to Willow.

"It's that car." He said when they got outside and she opened the car door while he held onto Spike, who was completely out of it. After helping him in, the barkeeper wished Willow goodnight and disappeared into the bar. Willow went over to the driver's side and sat down. She closed the door and stared out the blackened window. <I'm sitting in Spike's car with Spike drunk as a skunk next to me. Buffy would definitely kill me. >

She looked over at Spike. "Spike?"

"Ye..s 'uv." He said in a drunken voice, which she barely could understand.

"Where do you live?" she asked and noticed that he was almost falling asleep.

"I'm sorry, Spike, but I have to do this." She said and slapped him. It woke him up a little and she managed to get eye contact with him.

"Listen, I need to know you're address, I'm taking you home." She said and at first she wondered if he had heard her or not. Spike slowly pulled a card out of one of his pockets and gave it to her. Then he lent back against the seat, closing his eyes. Willow turned the card over and read it. "Lonely Hearts Hotel."

She looked at Spike and frowned. Well, at least she had the address. She started the car and managed to find the hotel after twenty minutes of searching. It was the filthiest hotel she had ever seen. <How can anyone live here? >

She helped Spike out and noticed that he was beginning to sober up. It was remarkable, if a human had drunk the amounts of liquor he had been drinking tonight then he would have been found in the morgue the next morning.

Spike gave her the key and she read the number on it. "Room 13. Well, that's suitable for you."

She found the door, opened it and helped Spike in. He immediately laid himself down in the dirty bed. Willow looked shocked around her. <This place can't have been cleaned for weeks! >

She was about to go when she heard a strange noise. Spike held his hands over his face there he laid on the bed and she could swear that he was crying. But why? Why would the most vicious vampire she had ever known cry? And most of all do it in front of her?

His sobs of pain sent daggers into her heart. Slowly she walked up to him and sat down on the bed. She laid her hands over his and removed them. Spike looked up at her with teary eyes. Willow didn't know what to do. She had never comforted a man before. She reached out her arms towards him and he sat up and hugged her close. He held her like he would die if he let her go. He continued to cry against her shoulder and she rocked him slowly and stroked his hair.
 
 

*In the arms of the angel fly away from here, from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear.

You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie, you're in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here.*
 
 

Spike's sobs had vanished and now they just held each other in complete silence. Willow felt her heart racing. She could feel that he had turned to his game face. Spike pushed her away, looking at her through his golden vampire eyes. She could see that he now was sober. Being that he was a lot more dangerous. She whimpered when he lifted his hand.

"Don't worry, luv. I'm not going to hurt you." He whispered and let his hand stroke her cheek. Willow gave him a weak smile, which he returned. Spike changed back to his human features and slowly moved closer to her until his face was only a few inches away from hers. He let his lips gently brush against hers. Willow thought her heart would stop. She looked into his eyes, unknowing that they were betraying her, telling him to do it again. Spike made the kiss deeper this time, and their tongues dueled together in a wild dance. Willow lost all track of reality. The only thing she could think about was the man kissing her and the fire he was building inside of her. She pulled him closer but Spike soon broke free so she could breathe.

Willow looked into his eyes, understanding what he wanted from her. He wanted her to help him forget. What she didn't know. But she understood that he wanted her to release him from the pain that was threatening to destroy him.

His eyes searched desperately for an answer in her eyes. Not knowing why, she unzipped her dress and let it fall to the floor. At that moment she knew that afterwards when she would wonder what made her do it, one of the reasons would be the thankfulness shining in his eyes.

Spike pushed her gently down on the bed and discarded her shoes. His own shoes and socks followed quickly. He laid back beside her, taking her hands in his.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked, fearing her answer.

"I'm sure." Willow said and couldn't help but giggle when he took a deep unneeded breath in relief. He smiled down at her and pulled off his black T-shirt. Willow licked her lips. <That's one more reason to do it…> she thought and smiled. A few years ago, that thought would never have crossed her mind. But the years had changed her. She was still the kind-hearted witch as before but she was far from as innocent as everybody around her believed.

Willow lifted a hand and stroked Spike's bare chest. She sat up and started to kiss it. She let her tongue play around his nipple and smiled when she heard him moan. She looked up at him and he grabbed her chin with one hand, pushing her head up against his. He kissed her deeply, and put his hands on her buttocks pushing her closer so their pelvises pressed hard against each other.

He moved his hands up her trembling body. Stroking her back until his hands reached her bra. He unhooked it and she pulled back so he could remove it. Spike threw the dark green bra on the floor and looked down on her pink breasts. He caressed them gently, massaging the nipples with his thumbs. Willow moaned and he laid her down on the bed. He laid down between her legs, and played his tongue around one of her nipples, making her moan even deeper. He crawled back; trailing kisses down her stomach, and then drew off her panties.

He bent his head down into her red curls and let his tongue move around her clit, making her hiss in pleasure. He continued; doing what he had learnt to do during hundreds of years. He knew exactly how to build her fire and soon she was screaming his name.

He looked up at her, seeing her blushed face. Her eyes were still closed and a smile was on her lips. This was one of the moments when a woman looked most beautiful. When she had been sent to heaven and back. Willow opened her eyes, and begged him to come up to her. He crawled over the creased sheets and lay down next to her. He removed a strand of hair from her face and kissed her. Willow stroked his cheek and chin and sat up, looking down into his handsome face. Her hand ran down his stomach, to his belt and she unbuckled it while looking into his eyes. Spike decided to help her and quickly pulled off his jeans and underwear. She had him lay back again and took his cock in her mouth. Spike took an unneeded breath and closed his eyes. Her hands and mouth felt like heaven around his cock. Replacing the pain inside of him with pleasure. Spike seized her wrists making her stop.

"I wanna be inside of you." He said and she nodded, letting him pull her down on the bed. He positioned himself between her legs and entered her burning vagina. He pumped into her, coming closer to his release. When it came he brought her over the edge with him. Up to heaven, to a place where he wasn't haunted.
 
 

*In the arms of the angel fly away from here, from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear.

You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie, you're in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here.

You're in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here.*
 
 

Chapter Two
 
 

Spike woke up after sunset and reached out his hand to the other side of the bed. He touched the creased sheet. She was gone. Not that it surprised him. Spike sighed and looked around the dark hotel room. He needed to get out of there. This place only made him feel worse.

He slowly got dressed; wishing he could wake up from this nightmare that now was his life.

He grabbed his car keys and left the hotel.
 
 

******
 
 

Willow looked out the window. The dark had come quickly. And with the darkness came the vampires. <He's out there somewhere. > She thought and felt emptiness inside her. She denied it's existence and went over to the bar with a tray in her hand.
 
 

*******
 
 

His white hair shone in the moonlight when he got out of his car. He closed the car door, scanning the area. The only ones in the park were two lovers. They would be easy targets.

Spike decided to take a stroll first. He chose the path to the right and walked in the dim light coming from the lamps. He looked up at the dark trees stretching their branches above him. The moon hung low behind them.

<Dru would have loved this. > He thought and felt the grief overcome him again. With his game face on he sank down against one of the oaks and closed his eyes. Suddenly he heard laughter coming behind him. It was the two lovers he had seen embraced on a bench. Their happy laughter made him feel sick. Growling he got up and took a shortcut through the trees. He saw their backs as they sat turned away from him. They were kissing passionately, not hearing him coming closer.

Spike stood silently behind them, looking down on their heads. He grabbed the young woman and yanked her up and over the bench. The woman screamed in fear, reaching for her lover to save her. The man stared in fear at Spike holding his girlfriend in a solid grip around her waist. She cried, struggling to get free. It only made him press her harder against him.

"Let her go." The man begged him. Spike rolled his eyes and hushed the young woman.

"What's your name, mate?" he asked, stroking the woman's teary cheek.

"Jim." The man said, his eyes telling his girlfriend that everything was going to be all right. <They're all fools. > Spike thought. <When will they ever learn? >

"And what's your name, luv?" Spike asked, turning her head so she looked into his eyes. He loved watching her tremble in fear.

"Tina."

"Tina, close your eyes." He demanded and she looked at her boyfriend who nodded. Tina closed her eyes. Spike looked down at her.

<She's a pretty little thing. > He thought and sunk his fangs into her neck. Tina immediately opened her eyes and screamed in pain. Spike drained her and held her lifeless in his arms. He looked at Jim who was crying violently.

"Hurts, doesn't it?" he said and walked around the bench. He held Tina out to him and Jim took her, calling out her name.

"That won't help. She's dead." Spike said and sat down on the bench, lighting a cigarette. Jim sank to his knees, rocking his beloved. "Now tell me, do you want to die or live?"

"I want to die." Jim whispered. Spike smiled sadly and got up from the bench. He took one last look at the couple and started to cross the lawn. He could hear the man screaming after him. Tears started to fall down his face and he irritated wiped them away.
 
 

*You come out at night, that's when the energy comes and the dark side's light and the vampires roam.

You strut your rasta wear and your suicide poem, and a cross from a faith that died before Jesus came. You're building a mystery*
 
 

Willow put up the last chair and looked around her. Everything was in order and it was time to go home. She put on her green coat but she didn't feel like going home. No one was there waiting for her, except a big lonely bed. She opened the door and went out into the cool night. She shut the door and was about to lock it when she saw the note.
 
 

Meet me in the old church.

Spike
 
 

Willow was immediately brought back to last night. She closed her eyes feeling his tender hands on her body. How could a demon be so tender?

She locked the door and ripped off the little note. Her fingers stroked his name. She wanted to go to him but it was madness. She knew that but her heart craved to see him. She let her legs lead her towards the old church. After fifteen minutes she reached it. She touched the gate and it swung open with a squeal. Almost holding her breath she walked in, slowly closing the gate behind her.

Willow looked at the old gravestones and remembered the old days when they had spend a lot of nights slaying vampires and saving the world from being sucked into hell. The only thing she fought now was the feelings she started to feel for Spike. Those feelings frightened her more than any demon ever had.

She walked into the church with hesitating steps. Candles were lit everywhere, throwing shadows on the white walls. She walked up to the altar and turned rapidly around when she heard footsteps behind her.

"I've been waiting for you." He said walking down the aisle. Willow moaned in her head. <That man moves like a God. > She thought and sighed. <And he knows it too. >

Spike touched her cheek and she leant towards his hand. He smiled at her and she felt weak. Her shaky legs were threatening to make her fall.

<Do you know what you do to me? > She thought when he trailed kisses up her neck. They kissed with a fire she never known before and a second later they were laying on the floor, pulling at each other's clothes. When they were both naked Spike lifted her up and carried her to a mattress beside the altar. He had known all along what would happen and that made her feel vulnerable. Obviously he knew what he was doing while she was lost. Spike saw the uncertainty in her eyes and kissed her.

"Don't think, baby. Just feel." He said and started to explore her body. Willow looked up at the high ceiling above her. Painted angels were looking down on them. One of them was smiling telling her everything was all right. But it wasn't…she was fooling herself. Spike entered her, filling her completely. He also filled the emptiness in her mind and soul. They started to move, building up each other's desires. Willow let her thoughts go. She could think tomorrow. All she wanted to do now was to feel. Feel his body next to hers, joined as one.
 
 

*You live in a church, where you sleep with voodoo dolls and you won't give up the search for the ghosts in the halls.

You wear sandals in the snow and a smile that won't wash away

can you look out the window without your shadow getting in the way?

Oh you're so beautiful, with an edge and a charm, but so careful when I'm in your arms.*
 
 

Willow woke up feeling the cold demon beside her. His arm laid over her stomach as if he was protecting her. Spike stirred in his sleep and Willow watched his handsome features. He looked so beautiful and peaceful. You could almost be fooled. She wanted to be fooled. To believe that he was a good man not a beast lying by her side. But she knew better than pretending. She knew it had to end. Soon, before it was too late. Before she fell too deeply in love with him. Then she would be lost forever. God, she didn't even know when it happened. Maybe when he touched her like no man ever had done before. He made her feel alive. Uncertain of what would be next. Was it the thrill of danger she loved so much? She, Willow, the bashful little girl? No, she wasn't a girl anymore and the shyness had faded away.

Willow sighed. You couldn't choose the one you fell in love with. It was a cruel world.

Suddenly she was shoved aside. Spike let out a scream, followed by low growls. Terrified she looked at him, wearing his game face.

"It never ends!" he shouted in a daze and came quickly to his feet. She watched him perplexed, reaching for a large candlestick which he lifted up, hitting the figure supposed to represent Jesus until its face was gone. He was laughing hysterically when he stopped, wiping away the bitter tears running unwanted down his cheeks.

Willow swallowed; scared he would turn his anger against her.

"What never ends?" she asked in a tiny voice. He turned to look at her; there she sat on the ground with the quilt wrapped around her.

"The bloody pain. It never ends…No one will ever replace her." He said, walking down to her. He reached for his jeans and pulled them on. Then he sat down on the front row of benches and lit a cigarette.

"Did something happen to Drusilla?"

Spike smiled tiredly. "Do you really think I would be here with you if she wasn't dead?"

It felt like a slap in her face but she kept herself calm…at least on the out side.

"I guess not." She whispered, looking down on her hands. <I'm the biggest fool of them all. >

Spike laughed. "You're not having feelings for me, are you? I thought you were the smart one."

Willow bit her trembling lip, fighting the tears. She would not give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. She stood up and started to get dressed. Spike watched her silently, knowing he had hurt her.

<The little witch really does feel for me. > He thought and felt his heart respond. He grabbed her arm and spun her around so she was facing him. Willow looked away, begging that he wouldn't say anything. She wasn't that strong.

"I never meant to hurt you, Red. I just needed someone to…ease my pain."

He didn't even call her by her name. <Oh God, what if he doesn't remember my name? >

"You needed someone to ease your pain?" she said shaking. "Why don't you tell me the truth? You needed someone to fuck! And sweet little me gave myself to you, stupid enough to think I meant something more to you than just a lay. You're right, I'm a fool."

She sobbed and ran out of the church. Walking down the stone steps she started to cry. She sank down on the stairs, wishing away the pain in her heart. How could a heart get so easily broken?

******

Spike gave a start when he heard the door slam shut. He couldn't hear her crying anymore. He sighed.

"Spike, you're a bloody asshole sometimes." He told himself. "Why did you have to go and ruin it all? Well go on then, don't let her walk out of your life…Man, I've got to stop talking to myself." He said, and started to run towards the door. He opened it, surprised when he found her crying on the steps. <Thank God, the sun isn't up yet. > He thought but saw it rising in the horizon. He had to do this fast.

Spike sat down beside Willow and pulled her close. "Come here, pet." He said, stroking away her hair from her tear streaked face.

"Leave me alone!" she screamed pushing him away. Spike grabbed her arm afraid she would run away from him.

"Just listen to me." He said but she continued to struggle and punched him in the jaw. He let her go and looked at her with an expression she couldn't read.

"I'm sorry." She said and he shrugged.

"Guess I deserved it."

"You did."

"Look…" Spike started to say and found himself out of words.

"Well?"

Spike sighed. "I…"

Willow looked down at him. "You…?"

"This is not easy for me, you know." He said and sighed again. "I feel something for you. I don't exactly know what yet. I haven't had the chance to figure it all out. I mean you and me, together."

Willow looked at him, her heart hoping she heard him right. "You have feelings for me?" she asked with a smile and he gave her a look, saying 'don't push it'. But when he looked into her eyes he smiled. "I do."

She then gave him a kiss, which should have made him loose his breath if he had had one. Then she ran across the graveyard, out the gate and disappeared, leaving an even more confused Spike on the church porch.
 
 

*You woke up screaming aloud, a prayer from your secret god, you feed off our fears and hold back your tears.

Give us a tantrum and a know it all grin, just when we need one when the evening's thin.*
 
 

Chapter Three
 
 

Spike waited impatiently for the sun to go down. Pacing up and down the aisle he tried to figure out what he really felt. Did he really love her or was she only a substitute for Drusilla? Someone to fuck as she so nicely had put it…No, there was more than that but true love? He stopped and sighed. And what did she see in him? He was a killer, a monster, a beast. And she was so beautiful. A gift from heaven. But how could someone so angelic be meant for him? So many questions and so few answers. And where could the answers be found? In his heart he answered himself. But his heart was like a big wound after his lover's death. How could he give it to someone when it was so severely bruised?

Spike lit a cigarette and felt how the night started to call for him. It was like a light whisper, telling him it was time to meet the night and well, the world.

Spike rapidly left the church and got into his car. He had found out where she lived yesterday.

<And nothing can keep me away except the invisible barrier that always shuts me out. > He thought as he stood by her door. He felt like a weak little schoolboy standing for the first time at a girl's door.
Spike lifted his fist and knocked on the door. He heard someone move beyond it and suddenly the door opened and Willow looked at him.

"Hi." She said astonished. Her eyes twinkled like stars and Spike felt a desperate need to kiss them.

"Hello." He said, kicking himself mentally for not coming up with something a little more original. Willow smiled. "Do you want to come in?"

"Really? You'd let me?" he said hopefully.

"Well, yes. It's not like we're strangers." She said and opened the door wide so he could step inside. He did, looking himself around.

"Nice place." He comented, again feeling like the world's biggest idiot. Somehow when he was around her he lost his tongue.

Willow walked into the living room and he followed her.

"Thanks." She said and pointed at the couch. Spike sat down and rubbed his chin. He didn't understand why he felt so damn nervous.

"Do you want something to drink? Um, not blood of course." Willow asked, blushing. Spike shook his head and patted the seat beside him. Willow sat down and put a strand of hair behind her ear. They sat in silence until Spike thought he would go insane.

"Willow?" he said, looking at her. She turned her head, smiling. Glad he really did remember her name.

"Yes?"

Spike opened his mouth, not knowing what to say.

"Bloody hell." He whispered and seized her head with his hands and captured her lips. Willow pulled back at first but soon she was kissing him passionately. They pulled back looking at each other with laughing eyes. The tension between them had flown away.

"Make love to me." Willow said and Spike chuckled.

"With pleasure, luv."
 
 

*You take me in no questions asked. You strip away the ugliness that surrounds me.

Are you an angel, am I already that gone. I only hope that I won't disappoint you, when I'm down here on my knees.

And sweet, sweet, sweet surrender is all that I have to give.*
 
 

Somehow they found themselves naked on the couch a few seconds later.

"So how do you want to do this?" Willow asked and turned red. "I mean…I …I have a bed."

Spike couldn't help but grin. "The couch suits me fine, luv. How about you?"

"Oh, okay." She said and Spike kissed her.

"Lay down on the couch." Spike said and she did so and squealed when she suddenly felt Spike's tongue moving in circles around her clit. Spike looked up at her.

"Did I take you by surprise?"

"Aha." She moaned when he continued working her into an orgasm. Her breath got heavier and she moaned his name. Spike slowly slid a finger into her vagina and she climaxed, cramping around his finger.

"Did you like that, baby?" he asked and pulled out his finger and tasted her juices.

"I loved it." Willow said watching his stiff cock. Spike followed her gaze.

"Tell me what you want." He said and smiled. Willow swallowed.

"I want you inside of me." She whispered.

"Anything for you, my sweet." He said and made her stand on her hands and knees on the couch. He climbed into the couch behind her and stroked her sides before taking a firm grip around her waist. He led himself into her, hearing her moan in pleasure. He took it slow at first until he heard she was near to come. Going faster, he closed his eyes, soon seeing sparkles. He heard Willow cry out and gave her bottom an affectionate squeeze. He pulled out of her and she turned around, lying down tired on the couch. Drops of sweat glittered on her skin. Spike bent down and gave her a kiss. They were forced to break it when someone suddenly banged on the door.

"Oh, God." Willow said, almost falling off the couch.

"Who is it?" she shouted while putting her clothes back on.

"It's me! Buffy!"

Willow paled and looked at Spike. "She'll kill you."

"Not if I kill her first." Spike said with a sweet smile on his lips and Willow was once more reminded of who he really was. She quickly gathered up his clothes and gave them to him.

"Get out on the balcony…She's my best friend." She said gravely.

"I was only kidding, ducks." Spike said and opened the door to the balcony.

"No you weren't." Willow said and he turned around. She saw in his eyes that she was right and turned around, fighting the tears. This relationship could never last. Not even if she needed it with every part of her essence.

She heard him close the door and she hurried to open the door for Buffy. Afraid she was going to break it down if she had her waiting a second longer.

"Hi, Buffy." She said and let her friend in.

"What took you so long?"

"I was…um, working."

Buffy looked thoughtfully at her. "You must have been working hard. You're all sweaty."

Willow took a deep breath. "So what do you want? I'm kinda tired, thought I would go to bed."

"Oh." Buffy said and chuckled. "I'm sorry. I'll be quick. Just wanted to warn you. I've heard rumors that an old friend of ours is in town."

"Who?" Willow asked, sitting down on the couch.

"You won't believe it. Spike. And he's alone. He probably killed that twisted bitch."

They heard a growl and Buffy looked around. "Did you hear that? Sounded like it came from your balcony…"

"Um, no." Willow said and seized Buffy's wrist when she saw that she was going to take a look. "Maybe it was me."

Buffy looked down at her. "You?"

"I haven't eaten since breakfast. It was probably my stomach growling."

"Oh." Buffy said and looked seriously at her. "You have to take care of yourself better. You're already too skinny."

"Uh, thanks." Willow said sarcastically.

"You know I only say that because I care about you."

"You're rather skinny yourself, you know."

"Yep, I'm a walking skeleton. I have to fight bad guys all night and train all day. No fun."

"Do you want an apple?"

Buffy laughed. "Yes, I do. Nothing better than vitamins when you're going out slaying vampires."

Willow went into the kitchen and came back with a green apple, which she threw to Buffy who caught it in the air. "Well, I gotta go. You need to come down to the library someday. Giles keeps saying he misses you."

Willow smiled. "I will."

"Good, now have something to eat and then go to bed." Buffy said opening the door.

"Yes, mother." Willow said and Buffy jokingly scowled at her before closing the door. The balcony door yanked open and Spike walked in.

"That bloody bitch! How dare she talk about Dru that way? I should fuckin' rip her tongue out."

"Spike, stay away from her. Please, I don't won't her dead and I don't want you dead either."

Spike looked up at the ceiling. "I'll stay away from her as long as she doesn't get in my way. How does that sound?"

"Well, I guess I can't expect more." Willow said and sighed. Spike kissed her tenderly. "I have some things to do, pet. Will you meet me tomorrow?"

"I'm working tomorrow." Willow said and hugged him close.

"When does your shift end?"

"Around 12."

"I'll be there." Spike said and kissed her deeply until she needed to fill her lungs. She panted and laughed. "Wow!"

Spike chuckled and kissed her forehead before he left her apartment.
 
 

Chapter Four
 
 

Willow felt the cold night surrounding her as she walked out of the bar. She pulled her coat tighter and looked up at the starry sky. It really was a beautiful night. A night meant for lovers. She smiled at the thought. It had been a long time since she had had someone to love. And it felt wonderful. But she knew it would only lead to sorrow and heartbreak.

Out of nowhere he suddenly appeared walking down the road in his own special way. He was strong, powerful and so damn beautiful. It was a dark kind of beauty she saw in him. The beauty you could find in a lion gracefully killing its prey. His eyes were locked on hers, and in that moment she felt like they were the only people existing on this planet.

She saw him smile and it sent shivers down her spine. She desperately wanted him to want her. She wanted to be the only one he needed. The one's name he cried out when he had had a bad dream. The one he wanted to comfort him when the world felt all wrong.
 
 

*I have a smile stretched from ear to ear, to see you walking down the road.

We meet at the lights

I stare for awhile, the world around us disappears.

It's just you and me, on my island of hope, a breath between us could be miles.

Let me surround you, my sea to your shore, let me be the calm you seek. *
 
 

Spike finally reached her and he instantly captured her lips in a fierce kiss. He pulled back, keeping his face just a few inches away from hers.

"I missed you." He whispered in her ear and bit her ear lobe playfully. She whimpered and he pulled back, giving her the sexiest smile she ever had seen. Willow started to blush and he seized her hand and they started to walk down the road. Soon they came to the park and Spike led her to the same bench where he a few nights ago had killed a young woman named Tina. He had let her lover watch her die and then left him alive with her limp in his arms.

They sat down and looked in silence at the white moon above them. Willow's feelings sat like a lump in her chest. They fought desperately to come up to the surface but she couldn't let them. She had always had trouble showing her true feelings. God, she had been in love with Xander forever until he finally understood what she felt for him.

Spike lifted her hand and kissed it. "I can't stay, I'm sorry. I still have some things to take care of." He sighed. "One of my minions is acting like he's the new master and tonight he's going down."

Willow looked down on her feet. "It's okay."

Spike looked at her. "Are you okay, luv?"

She looked up at him and forced herself to smile. "I'm fine. Now go."

He lifted up her chin and looked into her eyes searching for the truth. All she wanted was to hug him close and cry 'Don't go!' but she kept herself in control. Spike kissed her tenderly and then got up and walked away, never looking back.
 
 

*Oh and every time I'm close to you, there's too much I can't say, and you just walk away.*
 
 

Every step he took was a step out of her life. They both knew it was ending, she had seen it in his eyes. Still they were desperately holding on, trying to find a way through it. But they were reaching a dead end.

She had known from the start that their love for each other wasn't going to lead them anywhere. But she had fallen too deeply in love with him and now it would take a lot of pain and strength to get over it. If you could ever get over love…

Willow only hoped that he knew what she felt for him. Without him she would be nothing. Only an empty shell built of hope and unreachable dreams.

"I love you." She whispered when he was long gone. "I love you."
 
 

*And I forgot…to tell you I love you, and the night's too long and cold here without you.

I grieve in my condition for I cannot find the words to say I need you so. *
 
 
 
 

Chapter Five
 
 

Spike closed his eyes there he stood by the altar when he heard her stepping into the church. He didn't need to turn around to know it was Willow. He heard it at her hesitating steps walking down the aisle. He could smell the sweet odor that only belonged to her. Soon he felt her arms around him, warming his back. He seized her hands and released himself. He turned around and looked into her sad eyes. Spike tenderly stroked her cheek. The air was filled of sorrow and silent good-byes.
 
 

*I know I could love you much better than this, full of grace, full of grace my love.*
 
 

Spike pulled her close into his arms and her wet tears soaked his shirt. "You know it's time to let go." He whispered. "You'll be happier this way."

"No, I won't!" Willow cried out. "Why can't I have you? Why? How will this make me happier?"

"I've been loving Drusilla too long. I gave her my body, my heart…I would say soul but we both know I don't have one. She was my life for a hundred of years. Without her I wouldn't have lived this long. I was her fighter; I fought for our love. And that's something I can't erase, my love. I belong to her, even if she's not in this world. And without her I won't be able to fight as strong. I'll die eventually. If it will be by the Slayer's hand or by my own I don't know. All I know is that I don't want you to be there when it happens."

Spike gently wiped away Willow's tears. "I do love you, pet. But I'm not yours…and you're not mine. It's better this way…" Spike said his voice trembling at the end. He kissed Willow but she pulled back and slapped him. Silently cursing love she ran crying out of the church.
 
 

*So it's better this way, I said having seen this place before.

Where everything we say and do hurts us all the more.

It's just that we stayed, too long in the same old sickly skin.

I'm pulled down by the undertow, I never thought I could feel so low, oh darkness I feel like letting go.*
 
 

Chapter Six
 
 

Willow threw herself down on her bed and wept. Spike's words still echoed in her mind. She was the other woman…would always be on second place. It hurt more than she could bear. For her he was the only one. The only one that had ever made her feel like this.

"Why?" she asked someone she couldn't see. "What have I done that has been so bad that I deserve this?"

Willow hugged her pillow close. Spike filled her mind. She couldn't escape the picture of him. How he so tenderly had made love to her like there had been no tomorrow…No tomorrow…That was exactly how it had been. And they both had known it.

But how could she let him go? She needed him by her side. She needed to feel his lips against hers, feel his cold hands and tongue giving her pleasure. She desperately wanted what she couldn't have.
 
 

*The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do.

The yearning to be near you I do what I have to do, but I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go.

I don't know how to let you go.*
 
 

He had talked about Drusilla being his life. Well, what did he think he was to her? She hadn't begged him to come into her life. Suddenly he was there, making her world wonderful and in the same time destroying it. He had sneaked into her heart and had refused to leave. He was her everything.
 
 

*A glowing ember burning hot and burning slow

Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you.*
 
 

"You say I can't be with you…but tell me then how I will survive without you." Willow said looking up at the white ceiling. All she could see was his face. "I hate you for making me love you…" she whispered and wiped away her tears. "But I still don't know how to let you go…"

*I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do.

I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do.

And I have sense to recognize but I don't know how to let you go, I don't know how to let you go. I don't know how to let you go.*
 
 

Chapter Seven
 
 

Willow woke up the next morning finding a letter on the pillow beside her. She sat up and started to read it:
 
 

After you left me I went for a drive. Funny thing is that even though the roads never seemed to bend I ended up at your place. I sat there in my car looking up at your dark windows when I heard this song. It made me think of you and me. You and me, love…
 
 

*I'm so tired but I can't sleep

Standin' on the edge of something much too deep

It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard
 
 

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
 
 

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories*
 
 

Willow…my white queen…I will remember you…Will you remember me?
 
 

Eternal love,

Spike

The End

back