Distribution: Feen and Susi. Anyone else, ask first please!
Feedback: Makes for a happy Tal. (Pweese? It will make me post the next part-- i have it written i just have to type it!)
Summary: Sad, sad fic.
Pairing: W/S
Disclaimer: Joss owns them all.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~Part: 1~
Spike looked around his shabby hotel room in disgust. All day long he'd been unable to sleep without dreaming of his Red witch. he missed her terribly, and sleep had been an elusive fantasy since he'd left.
His beautiful fire-goddess had sent him packing with nary a tear in her eye. They'd been together for almost two years, and somehow one blowout had ended it all. He understood, now, what he'd done.
*Flashback*
"If I'm such a bother with a soul why don't you just turn me?!" Willow had screamed, eyes ablaze with pain and fury.
"What makes you think I'd want to spend eternity with *you?*" Spike bellowed, regretting the words as soon as they'd left his mouth.
Willow's poker face immediately came to the fore, the face Spike had painstakingly helped her to perfect. Aside from the set of her jaw, Spike had no clue what was going through her mind. Her normally expressive green eyes were empty, bottomless pools.
With ice in her voice she had gritted out the words that would make his life hell.
"Get. Out. I want you gone by the time I come back. Oh, and *luv?* Here's your ring back."
She flung the ring that bound them, the ring he'd given her on their first anniversary, into his face. With that she turned her back on him, not even looking back.
"Willow, I didn't m--"
*End Flashback*
Spike thought Willow had been emotionally unscarred, and had forgotten him by now. He was sadly mistaken. When Willow had returned to their L.A. apartment around sunrise and found the silver band that matched hers on Spike's pillow, she'd lost it. Sinking down the wall beside their bed, ring clutched tightly in her white-knuckled hand, Willow had cried herself into exhaustion.
Cordelia found her still there a few hours later, having stopped by with donuts and coffee. From the few empty hangers in the closet and the broken look in Willow's eyes, she'd come to the conclusion that the blonde was gone. The once-cheerleader's sharp eyes noticed the missing photo of Willow that usually rested on Spike's bedside table.
"Oh, Willow," Cordy sighed, pulling the limp redhead into her arms. "Honey, what happened?"
"Cordy... he said..." Willow burst into tears once more, clinging desperately to the brunette.
She held Willow until the tears stopped, knowing that Willow would talk when she was ready to. Deciding a hot bath might help to ease the girl's heartache, Cordelia helped Willow into the bathroom. While undressing Willow she noticed that Willow had something clenched in her fist. When the redhead refused to let go of the item, she gave up and undressed herself. Cordy pulled them both into the bathtub, sinking into the warm water behind her friend.
Willow allowed Cordy to hold her, sinking back into her warm arms. Not like Spike's. Maybe if they had been more like Spike's she'd have found some comfort. Taking a shaky breath Willow opened her hand, revealing the ring in her hand to the brunette. It was a thick, plain, silver band. Engraved on the inside of it was "For you, for eternity. -W". Hers had been engraved "To my soulmate. -S".
"We were going to get married. He was going to turn me in a few years, and have Giles resoul me before I could kill. Last night... we were fighting because he'd nearly beaten a man to death for grabbing my ass. I yelled at him, told him he was wrong, accused him of being heartless...soul-less. He told me he was a demon... and I asked why he didn't make me one too." Willow's voice broke, but she pushed on. "He asked me... why he'd want to spend eternity with me... and then he left. I told him to leave, and now he's gone. I hate him so much for leaving, but I love him. Cordy, I need him. He's my world."
Cordy only held Willow tighter, her eyes dark with sorrow.
~Part: 2~
Spike had been gone two weeks, staying in a town a few hours outside of Sunnydale. He couldn't bear to go further than that. What if she needed him?
*Who do I think I'm kidding? She doesn't even know wwhere I am. It's more like, what if I need her? I *do* need her. I love her. I'm lost without her.* Spike stared down at the picture before him. Cordelia had taken it, having had an idea to take a picture of Willow *through* him. He, being a vampire, hadn't been in the picture. Where his head should have been was Willow's face, a look of pure love and joy shining on her face. It was all he had left of her, except for a bottle of her perfume he'd taken with him.
Sighing, Spike turned off the lamp. He fell into a restless sleep, reaching for the warm body that was never there.
~~~*~~~
It had been two weeks. Cordy had moved in with Willow, apologizing profusely to Angel for leaving him, but knowing that her friend needed her more than her lover right now. Willow had taken to wandering around the house in the clothes Spike had left behind, not eating, and sleeping away the days. At night she sat up in silence, laying under the stars.
The redhead had taken up smoking, too. A carton of marb reds and an ashtray were ever-present in the bathroom. Willow would often soak in a hot bath till her toes pruned, smoking. While she was in there the smoke and steam were so thick they literally rolled out from beneath the bathroom door in curtains. She was a wreck.
Cordelia could find nothing to shake this depression, hanging around Willow's shoulders like a fog. She spoke rarely, and hadn't truly smiled in the two weeks he'd been gone.
"Angel, I don't know what to do. She's not getting any better. She's holed herself up n the bathroom, *again*, and I'm worried about her." Cordy murmured softly into the phone.
Angel was quiet on the line for a few minutes before speaking. "Do you think we should bring her to the hotel?"
"I don't know. I can only imagine what she's going through, though. I don't know what I'd do if you left me. Well, anyways... we'll see. I've got to go though. I miss you, Angel."
"I miss you, too, Delia."
~~~*~~~
Four hours later Willow and Cordy were at the Hyperion, unpacking Willow's duffel bag. The only thing in it were clean underwear, sweats, and every item of clothing Spike had left behind. The redhead wore his ring on a thin silver chain around her neck, close to her heart. She was always twiddling with it, eyes glazed and empty.
~~~*~~~
Willow sat upon the roof in one of Spike's silk shirts, a robe, and some knee high rainbow toe socks Cordy had given her. Angel's pink fuzzy bunny slippers completed the outfit. He'd shown them to her, getting the first smile from Willow in weeks.
As Angel stepped out the door to the roof, Willow came back from her daydreams. She was amazed when he took the glowing cigarette from her fingers, taking a drag in silence. As she watched him exhale the smoke, he began to speak quietly.
"I know you don't expect me to understand your pain. But I loved Wil-- Spike, too. He was my beautiful, sweet, sweet William. My favorite grandchilde, though he never knew it. If it weren't for me, Darla would have staked him decades ago. As it were, I had to feign my contempt and vicious cruelty to William. If I hadn't Darla would have surely staked him. I was *hers*. But in the darkness, I loved him. When the sky was dark and moonless I would often take him out to the bluffs and love him. Nobody knows better than Spike what a tender lover I can be. When I got my soul back, I had to leave. I couldn't allow myself pleasure, any pleasure. Especially not the comfort of Spike's arms. So, after I left-- I took up smoking, to remember him." Angel's rich, chocolatey voice fell silent as he and Willow stared up at the heavy, yellow moon.
Lowering her eyes from the heavens, Willow spoke. Her voice was dry from lack of use.
"Thank you. I'm glad I'm here. Spike and I left because Buffy, Xander, and Giles couldn't accept my love for Spike. We haven't spoken much since I left. It's nice to know someone understands. Angel, I love him so much, and I feel like I'm losing it without him. Every night I dream of him, craving his touch."
"If you want you can sleep in my bed with me and Delia. I know I'm not Spike, but maybe the coldness of my arms would help you sleep?" Angel's voice was uncertain.
"I think I'd like that," Willow stifled a yawn, and took Angel's outstretched hand.
~Part: 3~
Living my life in a slow hell,
a different girl every night at the hotel.
I ain’t seen the sunshine in 3 damn days.
Two months. It had been two months since he’d seen her, since they’d shared a bed... or even exchanged words. He’d at first spent his days brooding in the dark, but had quickly fallen back into his old habits. Every night he fed, got drunk or high, and returned to the room with some bint or another. He’d fuck ‘em, then kill ‘em... but they just couldn’t make him forget.
He couldn’t get her out of his mind. Her beauty, her voice, her love... her *color*. Every color in his head was her. The red of her hair, the green of her eyes. Part of his mind told him he was hallucinating, all effects of the coke.
Been fuelin’ up on cocaine and whiskey,
wish I had a good girl to miss me
Lord I wonder if I’ll ever change my ways.
Stumbling out of the DeSoto, Spike sat down heavily. Clutching the bottle of Jim Bean close to his chest, he tilted his head up to the stars. Willow could be somewhere, looking up at those same stars.
She’d hate to see him like this. He’d been snorting and drinking for three weeks straight, sleeping around every night. Nothing could burn her from his memory. His eyes were bloodshot, and his cheekbones more prominent than ever. His skin had taken on a sallow complexion, stretched taut across his lean frame. He was losing it.
~~~*~~~
Spike opened his eyes slowly, staring at a picture of Willow on his bedside table. Shame flooded him, and he turned the photo face-down. Last night was no different from any other, except for that he’d consciously called Willow to his mind, thought about what was happening to him... to them... and what she could be going through. Even after that, he’d brought home another cheap whore. And he’d fucked her, and killed her. He couldn’t bear to look at Willow’s picture anymore. Stretching, he decided he really needed a shower. A stroll through the park at noon would be nice, too.
Letting his head fall to his hands, Spike let everything that he’d been going through wash over him. He missed her so much. Would she even recognize him like this? He doubted it. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks as the memories of the time they’d shared flooded him.
I put your picture away,
sat down and cried today.
I can’t look at you,
while I’m lying next to her.
I put your picture away.
Sat down and cried today.
I can’t look at you,
while I’m lying next to her.
~Part: 4~
Angel sat behind his desk, staring morosely at a vase of flowers Cordy had placed there. He’d just gotten off the phone with his grandchilde. Spike called him, telling him what happened in his own ways. Angel had chosen not to mention that Willow was with them, not knowing if it would be prudent. He’d have to talk to ‘Delia first.
Apparently, Spike was using again and he was slipping. He’d started killing again, and he had basically begged Angel to take him in. The dark-haired vampire was at a loss for what to say, so he told Spike he’d have to think about it.
Standing, Angel went in search of Cordy. He unthinkingly left the number for Spike’s hotel room in plain sight on his desk.
-*-*-
Willow walked aimlessly around the hotel, her
mind blank. She knew she was nearly to the point of no return. She’d lost
over fifteen pounds, and her skin was practically hanging off her bones.
Early that evening she’d taken a long look in the mirror after she’d showered,
and was appalled at what she saw. Her breasts were smaller, and her ribs
were prominent from beneath her nearly translucent skin. There were large,
dark rings around her eyes.
Sighing, she sat down at Angel’s desk, gasping when she saw what lay before her. Picking up the phone with a trembling hand she picked up the phone.
It rang twice before he picked up. His voice was tired, empty. “Angel?”
Willow didn’t answer, her knuckles white from the tight grip she had on the telephone. A fat teardrop rolled down her cheek, splashing onto the number.
“Who is this? Hello?”
There was a voice in the background, presumably female. She sounded irritated at having been interrupted.
The red-head hung up, before walking dazedly into the kitchen. Looking in the fridge she noticed an untouched bottle of red wine. With bottle in hand, she headed into her room.
i called you last night in the hotel.
Everyone knows but they won’t tell,
but their half-whitened smiles tell me
something just ain’t right.
I’ve been waiting on you for a long time,
fueling up on heartaches and cheap wine.
I ain’t heard from you in 3 damn nights.
I put your picture away.
I wonder where you’ve been.
Taking a healthy swig of wine from the bottle, Willow stared down at the sketch before her. Angel had drawn it for her, from memory. It was a perfect sketch, depicting Spike sleeping peacefully. Looking at the picture, Willow began to cry. She didn’t even notice when Cordy and Angel came into the room. She was barely conscious of telling Cordelia what she’d done, or that they had led her from her room into their own.
Willow was surprised when she felt lust flare to life in her watching Cordy and Angel undress. she thought. She blushed when Angel looked up sharply. Moving to Cordy’s side, he whispered softly into her ear.
The cheerleaders perfectly shaped eyebrows rose, and she looked at Willow in surprise. Looking back at Angel, she nodded.
The hacker swallowed hard as she watched Angel and Cordy kiss. When Angel moved away from Cordy and walked over to her, her jaw dropped. What was going on? This couldn’t be happening. This was wrong. She loved Spike.
*Maybe this is what I need,* she thought as Angel’s lips covered hers. *After all, Spike can sleep around, he probably doesn’t even care.*
Giving in to the lust that blossomed in her tummy, Willow let Cordy and Angel take her to a place where she could forget.
~Part: 5~
The red-head woke softly, trying to remember why she felt so numb and sore. Eyes widening, she remembered what had happened. *Oh gods... Spike. Oh god. But... he was with someone else... I shouldn’t care. It’s my life. . . But I do. He’d be so hurt.*
Rolling over, she looked at Angel’s sleeping face. He was sprawled on his back, one arm around Cordy. Sighing, she woke the vampire.
“Angel, we need to talk.”
“I know... I’m sorry. Maybe last night wasn’t... wasn’t such a good idea. I thought maybe... maybe it would help you forget. I’m really sorry, Willow,” he spoke, apparently near tears.
“Not about that. I’m confused about that, but I don’t regret it. Thank you,” she placed a kiss on the tip of his nose. “What I wanted to talk to you about is why you knew Spike’s hotel number.”
Angel’s face fell again, and he sighed deeply. “I should have told you first, Willow. Spike called me... he’s a wreck. I didn’t tell him you were staying with us. I didn’t know if you’d want me to. He’s a wreck, he misses you so much. He’s... he’s using cocaine. And he’s killing again. I’m so sorry Willow, I know how much you love him. He loves you too.”
“If he loved me, why would he choose to hurt me like that? By sleeping around with god-knows-who-- and by going to a drug? Maybe I’m being unfair, but... gods, Angel. It’s just so hard... and it’s so unfair. I hurt, so badly, in here,” Willow pounded her chest above her heart. “I just... I don’t know what to do without him.”
Angel held Willow as the sobs shook her small body. He relaxed after her breathing took on the slow tempo signifying she was asleep.
i can’t
look at you
while i’m lying next to him.
i put your picture away.
I wonder where you’ve been.
I cant look at you
while i’m lying next to him.
~Part: 6~
Willow had insisted that Angel go get Spike. No matter what had happened between them, she couldn’t bear knowing he was out there using. She didn’t know how she was going to handle this, but she’d make it. She had to be strong.
Her breath caught in her throat as she caught sight of him. He looked the same as always, except for his eyes. They were still that chilling blue, but they were empty... lost... glazed. He didn’t appear to know or care where he was, or who he was with. When he looked up at her, Willow nearly gasped at the intensity of his gaze.
“H-Hi, Spike,” Willow struggled to keep the tremor out of her voice.
“Hello, Willow.”
“How... how are you?”
“How do you expect?” He ground out, looking sadly up at his witch.
Willow’s eyes dropped immediately to the floor, and she fled from the room rather than let him see her cry. *Does he think I’m not hurting? Does he? He doesn’t seem to realize that I was--am-- in hell without him. He is--was?--my everything. And now... we’re just another sad, sad story. Just like everyone else on this god-forsaken earth.*
i saw you yesterday with an old friend.
it was the same old same how have you been?
since you’ve been gone my world’s been dark
and gray.
“Bloody hell,” Spike whispered, more to himself that anything. He didn’t notice when his grandsire turned and headed upstairs, leaving him with his thoughts.
*She’s so bloody beautiful. She was mine. Was, you wanker. Now you’ll never get her back. God, I remember the way her eyes used to twinkle when I’d tell her I loved her... or when she made me laugh. Bugger it, but I could use some whiskey right now. Might as well go unpack, first.*
you reminded me of brighter days.
i hoped you were coming home to stay.
~Part: 7~
Spike stopped suddenly on his way out the door. Willow stood with her back to him, putting on her jacket. He cleared his throat.
“Oh... um... I was just leaving,” Willow stammered, her eyes red and puffy.
“Yea, me too.” Spike shuffled his feet uncomfortably, his head hanging. “You know... I’m sorry.”
As he spoke, he looked up only to see that she was already gone.
i was headed to church
i was off to drink you away.
~Part: 8~
Willow walked into the hotel, following the soft strains of music echoing through the hallway. The music was coming from her room. She opened the door to see Spike, pacing nervously. He was chewing his fingernails, and she could see he’d been getting into her smokes.
Meeting his eyes, she let herself be swept away by the music.
i thought about you for a long time
can’t seem to get you off my mind
i can’t stand why we’re living life this way.
i found your picture today.
i swear i’ll change my ways.
i just called to say i want you...
to come back home.
i found your picture to day.
i swear i’ll change my ways,
i just called to say i want you...
to come back home.
“I love you, Willow,” Spike whispered. “I didn’t mean what I said that night. I’m sorry. I know that I’ve messed up a lot of things... but I don’t know if I can go on without you.”
Willow rushed into Spike’s arms, her tears wetting his shirt immediately. She was home.
“I love you too, Spike,” Willow murmured against his chest. “There’s a lot we need to talk about... a few things I need to tell you. But I want to try.”
I just called to say I love you.
come back home.
The END