SERIES: Choices #11
AUTHOR: Tisienne Blue
E-MAIL: tisatko@msn.com
POV: the redhead's.
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Self-centered, self-righteous, self-serving *bastard*! I'm gonna *kill* him! How dare he do this to me, and without even a *word*? He didn't even have the decency to *tell* me he was leaving; much less that it was for *good*! And I don't even know *why*! That's the part that hurts me the most. He never said why. And Hell! If it wasn't for Angel, I wouldn't even know that he wasn't planning on coming back!
I noticed he was gone immediately, of course, and... when I felt along that spell-bond I forged a couple months ago, I knew where he was going, too. But I figured... Oh, Hell, I don't know what I thought. Maybe that he needed to talk to his Sire for some reason, or that he was bored with Sunnydale and wanted to get away for a little non-local violence! I mean, the demons around this town really aren't much of a challenge for him anymore, so I could have at least understood that! But he didn't say good-bye, or even leave me a *note*!
Then I figured that maybe something *urgent* had come up, and Angel had called him for help, and yeah, I *know* how unlikely that is, but still! I guess I was grasping at straws.
It wasn't until it was nearly two o'clock in the morning, and he hadn't even *called*, that I really started to lose it, though. That was when the whole situation crashed down on me, and... If he'd been anyone other than Spike, I could have gone to my 'friends' for some much-needed comfort, but... They're still mad at me, and I don't hold out much hope that they're gonna forgive me any time soon. Not any more. And I don't *want* their forgiveness, because there's nothing to forgive me *for*, as far as *I'm* concerned! So they don't approve of the man I love. Well, here's a thought... *They* *don't* *have* *to*! It's taken me all this time to realize it, but there it is. If they really cared about me, all that would matter is that... until he ran off, he made me *happy*!
// You always said I was a liar, but we burn like a house on fire;
No matter what, you know that to be true.
And everything you gave to me changed everything I used to be,
Much more than anyone I ever knew...
And I don't need a hero; I don't need a soldier.
I did when I was younger, but now that I'm older...
I don't need a father; I don't wanna be your mother;
It's just that any one of us is half without the other...
One is you.. //
But they don't see it that way, and there was a time when *I* wouldn't have, either... when I would have just accepted their decisions for me. That time is past.
So I was just sitting there, after crying all night, and when I answered the phone and heard Angel's voice...? My heart froze up. I had at least a thousand pictures running through my head of all the terrible things that might have happened to my Spike... things that would keep him from calling me himself. Of course, Angel started to tell me what he knew, and... You know, my tears dried right up!
I've never been this angry before in my *life*, and Spike had best hope he's got a *really* good explanation for why he ran off like he did, because... And I have to stop thinking about this! I'm not the world's best driver on the best of days, and this definitely isn't one of *them*.
* * * * *
I know Angel was surprised that I got to the hotel so quickly, but I guess he just doesn't understand how easily a pissed off witch can clear traffic. Somehow, it seemed like much longer than three months since I was there last, telling Angel about Buffy. I stared at the building for a good five minutes, but... I didn't want Spike to know I was there yet, so I called Angel from the pay phone in the coffee shop down the street.
It was kinda funny to see him dash through the door with that big umbrella, and on any other day, I would have laughed out loud, but... He sat down, and told me the full details of how the love of my life has been acting, and... it *scared* me! Still does, actually. I can't even begin to imagine what must have happened to make him leave me, and then be all... I don't know.
The very fact that he's apparently lost himself in depression was enough to pull me from my fury, though, and now I'm just... hoping I can get him to talk to me. But before I try, I have some unfinished business to take care of with him, because he may have decided to let me go, but I never agreed to let *him*.
// The colours of that piece of time are still so fresh inside my mind,
And it makes the movie of my life seem pale.
And all the games I have to play... I got to give a lot of me away,
But the part with us will never be for sale...
And I don't need a hero; I don't need a soldier.
I did when I was younger, but now that I'm older...
I don't need a father; I don't wanna be your mother;
It's just that any one of us is half without the other...
One is you... //
So I walk quickly into the hotel, ignoring the speed Angel's showing in getting his co-workers to leave. I guess he doesn't want them to worry if things get ugly with me and Spike. But that's not gonna happen; I've made up my mind.
I've got my bag held tight to my side, and I can't let myself question my own decision; not now! Third floor, second door on the right, Angel told me, so that's where I stop and dig into my purse for the tiny knife I brought with me. I'm gonna go into that room, and I'm not coming back out until *someone* is *claimed*! I'm entirely willing to be the one doing the claiming, but... I hope it'll be a mutual thing. Hell, I hope he doesn't run screaming when he sees me!
Turns out that's not much of a possibility, though, because the bastard's *asleep*! He's just laying there on top of the sheets, and Gods, I've missed him so much! I feel like a part of me was missing, and I've just found it again! And suddenly I know. Whatever it takes, I'm not going to lose him. And that's the only thing on my mind while I move closer.
His eyes open slowly, and I almost cry at how bloodshot they are. Apparently I'm not the only one who's been weeping. 'Pet...?' I hear, and he sounds like he thinks he's dreaming, and... I can work with that! 'Shhh...' I whisper, hiding my little knife under the edge of the top sheet, 'I love you, Spike...'
He smiles slightly and closes his eyes again, and I'm still looking at him-- all pale skin and white-blond hair against dark sheets-- and he must have borrowed the boxers from Angel, because I know for a fact that *my* vampire doesn't own anything as prosaic as underwear! So I'm looking at him, and... I melt inside.
Next thing I know, my clothes are strewn across the room, and I must have done that myself, because he for *damned* sure hasn't moved, and... My fingers are tracing small circles around his hardening nipples, and I know it's only been a little over a day, but I can't help wanting to taste them, so I *do*. His fingers are in my hair, and I don't care that we're at Angel's hotel, because... I'm where I *should* be. I'm where I belong! 'Love you,' I whisper again, tugging gently at the waist of those intrusive boxers, and his hips are rising, letting me drag them down his strong, beautiful legs, and he's so hard already that I can barely control myself.
He's trying to touch me, but that's not what I need right now, so I throw one leg quickly over him, driving myself down onto his throbbing shaft, and he fills me so perfectly, just as he always has-- from the very beginning-- and... Gods, his eyes are wide open now, and golden! And I think he finally understands that he's awake, because there's a look of stunned disbelief in his eyes, but I won't let that stop me!
His fingers are tight on my hips, and that's where they're supposed to be, and even if he had the strength to try stopping me, I think he knows he'd have to kill me. I'm wearing that 'infamous resolve-face', after all. But he's *not* trying to stop me. In fact, he's arching hard up into me, with such a look of passion, and need, and *love* in his eyes that it almost tears my heart apart. 'You're mine,' I'm moaning, over and over, because I can't make that fact clear enough to him, and... he's not disagreeing. He's gasping, and writhing, but he's *not* arguing the point, which is just as well. Spike's never really *seen* me angry, and I don't think this is the right moment to show him what I can be.
His body is so hard beneath me, and his eyes are so soft, and I love his true face just as much as the human one, and... I can sense myself climbing swiftly to heights I never even knew *existed* before him, and *Gods*!
// The words of love have been confused; the ways of love have been abused;
Is this a lottery you win or lose...? I don't know...
It's an endless circle over time, this place inside where I hold and find
Your sweet and happy music in my soul.
And I don't need a hero; I don't need a soldier.
I did when I was younger, but now that I'm older...
I don't need a father; I don't wanna be your mother... //
That earth-shattering moment took me far away, but I'm back, even if I *was* gone for a while. Of course, so was *he*, so I can't complain. I can feel him pulsing his last within me, and I stare down into his glittering eyes as I pull my knife from beneath the sheets.
His eyes grow wider, almost as though he doesn't know what I'm planning, but as I place the tip lightly against his skin, just above his nipple, he stops me. 'Wait,' he says, taking my wrist gently in his hand. 'I didn't want you to be hurt,' he tells me, by way of explanation, I guess, 'I didn't want them to hurt you for being mine...'
And suddenly, I understand, and it nearly makes me furious again, because... I went through all that 'leaving me for my own good' *bullshit* once already, and he should damn well *know* *it*! But his eyes are so sad, almost like he thinks I'm gonna be scared off by the fact that the Sunnydale demon contingent wants to hurt me, and all I can do is try to take that sorrow from him. So I let go of the fury, and smile into his eyes. 'I don't care, Spike,' I say intently. 'Nothing could ever hurt me as much as the thought of being without *you*!'
I think he sees the truth of that in my eyes, because he's teary again all of a sudden, even though he's trying to hide it from me. I don't mention it, of course, because he *is* still the Big Bad, but he's *my* Big Bad, so I only nod. My smile slips out again when he moves my hand, and the little knife, to a spot just below the crook of his neck. 'Do it *here*, luv,' he murmurs, eyes shining with those unshed tears, 'This sort of thing leaves a scar, you know... I want it where people can *see* it.' So I do, and he tastes... I can't even explain it to *myself*! I don't care that it's borrowed blood I'm pulling from beneath his skin; I don't even care that it's *blood*! It's Spike, and it's full of everything coarse and fine that I love so much about him. 'Mine,' I sigh softly, pulling back to meet his eyes, and 'Yours...?' I ask him wistfully, wondering if he's even willing to try.
I didn't even notice him rolling us, he's that quick, but... He's looking down into my eyes now, and the entire weight of him is pressing me into the mattress, and I know the answer even before I hear it. 'Mine,' he says, a good bit of growl in his voice, 'Always mine, from this day forth.' And I'm crying again, but this time they're tears of sheer joy, and that doesn't change even when I feel his sharp, jagged teeth enter the side of my neck and he starts moving inside me again.
This is exactly what I want; exactly what I need. And so is *he*. And I don't care if he wants us to leave Sunnydale forever. I don't care if I have to give up completely on ever making things right with the gang. The only thing that matters is... I've been his since the first time we kissed, and now...? It's official.
// It's just that any one of us is half without the other...
One is you... //
End.