Song: 'The Weakness In Me' by Joan Armatrading
POV: Willow's

I am so *fucked*! And not just in the aching, worn out kind of way, either. No, I'm fucked on so many levels, it's not even *funny*, and boy, would my friends freak out if they ever heard me use the 'F' word, even in my own head! But at certain times, in certain situations, there's just no other word that'll do, and this is *definitely* one of them, because... I'm a fucking idiot!

I slept with Spike! I mean, I *slept* with *Spike*! As in-- male, and oh, yeah... *vampire*! And not the fluffy, cuddly kind of vampire, either! I cheated on my girlfriend, and what makes it even worse is... I *enjoyed* it! Not only did I *enjoy* it, but I didn't think of Tara even *once*, all night long!

Oh, Gods... I think I might... Tara might be right. I mean, obviously, she was right about me wanting him, because the wasn't even the tiniest bit of force involved in him getting me into his soft, big bed, with it's smooth, silky sheets, and... I *have* to stop thinking about it!

But I can't help but wonder... what does all of this say about *me*? And what do I tell *Tara*?

// I'm not the sort of person who falls...

In and quickly out of love...

But to you I gave my affections, right from the start...

I have a lover, who loves me...

How could I break such a heart?

Yet, still you get my attention... //

How can I tell her that I think I might *love* him? That maybe I always have? And how do I find the words to explain that... he's never been far from my thoughts? That *he* was the one I worried the most about when Buffy's crumpled body was laying on the ground?

But I love Tara, too! She's a part of me, in a way, and I don't want that to change. That's why I've been lying to her, and sneaking off to meet *him*. And he somehow finds ways to see *me*, as well, and... Still, it's only a matter of time before we're found out, before somebody sees us, and... So, I'm just... *fucked*.

// Why do you come here, when you know I've got troubles enough...

Why do you call me, when you know I can't answer the phone...

You make me love... and I don't want to...

And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool....

You make me stay, when I should not...

Are you so strong, or is all the weakness in me?

Why do you come here... and pretend to be just passing by...

When I need to see you...

I need to hold you... tightly... //

I'm sure Tara suspects that there's *something* going on with me, but I don't think she knows just what it is... how *bad* it is. But it's starting to wear on me. Hell, how can I expect her to understand when I don't get it, myself?

I don't know why this is happening, or why it's happening *now*! I mean, why couldn't this have happened before? Before Tara? Before *her* heart was bound up in me, and before mine was in her, as well? And how can I love them both? Is that even *possible*? Well, I guess it *must* be, because I do, but... This *can't* be *right*!

See, I *know* it's wrong. I know I have to choose, but... Gods help me if I know how! Okay, Tara... never hurt me, has always been sweet and gentle, and loving, and kind, but... And Spike...? Well, yeah, he's tried to kill me and my friends on more than one occasion, and yes, he *did* threaten me with a bottle that one time... and he's *never* sweet... or gentle, but he's not *mean*, either. He's... tender with me, in his own way, and... Gods, just thinking about it has my feet turning towards the cemetery again, but... What do I do about Tara?

// Feeling guilty... worried... waking from tormented sleep...

This old love has me bound, but the new love cuts deep.

If I choose now, I lose out... one of you's got to fall...

And I need you... and you... //

He's surprised to see me back so soon, but it looks like a happy kind of surprised, and... his lips are so soft against mine, right at first, but... he's always like this. He starts out soft and smooth, and... Here we go! His hands are hard against my back, and his teeth are nipping at my lips, and Gods, the things this man... vamp... can do with his *tongue*!

I help him take his t-shirt off, and sigh like I always do when he returns the favour, and his skin is so pale, and so soft over the hard muscles of him, and... it takes less than a minute before we're back on his bed again, and... I'm so fucked, it's not even funny, because I know I can't let him go, but I don't want to lose my girlfriend, either, and... He's got his head buried between my thighs, and I'm going to scream any second now, because I guess a century or so lets a guy *really* hone his skills, and I can feel his hardness pressing against my calf, and...

And he's inside me, and I don't ever want this to end! I'm watching him closely now, panting hard while he slams deep into me, and... He's everything Oz never was, and all the things Tara can never be to me, too, and... It sucks, because I still don't know what to do, and the way he's moving-- the things he's making me *feel*-- well, none of that is helping me at all!

He's moving faster now, and... Gods! The entire world is spinning, and I feel him reach his peak, only seconds behind me, and... The look on his face is just... unfair, because he *loves* me, even if he *doesn't* want to admit it!

Of course, *I* don't admit it, either. Not out loud, anyway, but... I think he knows. It's there in the way we hold each other after our 'encounters'; in the way we murmur to each other without actually saying much of anything at all. But it's getting late, and I pull away, reluctantly.

He doesn't say anything while he watches me dress, and I say nothing as I leave, but... we both know I'll be back, probably in the next day or so, and... I have to meet my girlfriend at the magic shop.

So, I'm sitting with Tara, making with the research, and he walks in. I guess I didn't notice the sun setting, but a quick glance towards the door shows me that it's full night out, and... He sits down across from us at the round table, and pretends to read whichever book was laying there already. But he's not reading, even if he and I are the only ones who realize it, and he's obviously trying to make this even harder for me by coming here.

I guess I understand, though. He's a vampire, and as such, he tends towards the possessive side of life. I know he doesn't like sharing me with Tara, but... I'm still trying to figure this out, and I just wish he would give me some *space*!

// Why do you come here, when you know I've got troubles enough...

Why do you call me, when you know I can't answer the phone...

You make me love... and I don't want to...

And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool...

You make me stay, when I should not...

Are you so strong, or is all the weakness in me? //

So, finally we came home-- Tara and me, I mean, and we got ready for bed, and... well, after she fell asleep, I felt... restless, I suppose, so I got up, and I came to this window, and... He's outside.

He's standing across the street, watching our apartment, and I can tell, from the number of cigarette butts at his feet, that he's been there for a while, and... Gods help me if I don't want to go down there and have him right out in public, but... I can't, so I'm going back to bed. I smile, just a bit sadly, when my sleeping girlfriend snuggles up against me, and I turn my head to blow out the last candle before I try to get some sleep myself. It won't be easy, I know... not when visions of Spike are dancing behind my eyelids, but... I have... to... try...

// Why do you come here... and pretend to be just passing by...

When I need to see you... I need to hold you...

Tightly... //

End.

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