SERIES: Choices (#5)
AUTHOR: Tisienne Blue
E-MAIL: tisatko@msn.com
I'm nuts. That's all there is to it, because... I *wanted* him to give me some time, and some space, and now that he has? I don't know what to do!
I haven't seen him for two *days*, and okay, not really a long time, but... He used to be there, every time I turned around, and now...? It's like there's a big old Spike-shaped hole in the world, and... I just want him to come back to me and fill that void I feel all of a sudden.
And I've been to the crypt, and I've waited around, and... he hasn't been *home*! I guess I'm worried. What if he's hurt somewhere, starving to death, or... Gods, what if something happened and he's *dust*?
But he can't be dead-- or not any deader than usual, because... I think I would know. I think I'd *feel* it, somehow, or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. He'd *better* be hurt or something, though, because if he made me get all scared for him and worried about him like this, and there's nothing *wrong*? I may just have to kill him myself!
I *know* I'm acting like a fool, and I also know I'm getting worse every hour... every *minute*, really, but... Damn it! How could he *do* this to me? He's made me *need* him; made me need his presence in my life, and now he just... *disappears* on me? Asshole! The worst part of it, though, is Tara.
She knows something's going on with me; I can see it in her eyes, and she's tried to get me to open up. She wants me to tell her what I'm thinking... what I'm *feeling*, but how can I? How can I tell her that I feel like my entire world is falling apart, and that it's all because that selfish, self-absorbed, irresponsible vampire I've been *sleeping* *with* has gone missing? I mean, yes, I'm cheating on her, but... I'm not *cruel*! Or *am* I? Maybe it's worse to string her along like this.
Not that I'm doing that... exactly... but I... Oh, *fuck*. I *am*. I'm holding on to her because I don't know quite what's happening with me and Spike. I know he wants me, and I even know he really, really enjoys *having* me. I've seen the love in his eyes, or at least I *think* I have, but...
And this is getting me *nowhere*. I'm all wound up inside, and I swear by all the Gods, if I don't find out where he is *soon*, I just might *scream*!
// Tonight I'm feeling like an animal...
Tonight I'm howling inside...
Tonight I'm feeling like an animal...
Tonight I'm going wild... //
The crypt is so cold and empty without him, which is kind of surprising, because I never really noticed just how terrible it was when he was still *here*. Somehow, he always made this place seem... well, not *nice*, exactly, but... almost romantic in a way. Without him, it's just a big old ugly, disgusting *mess*.
But I'm still here, even though I should be across town at my apartment... mine and *Tara's* apartment. And that's still the main thing I'm having trouble with, because I love her. I *do*! I honestly thought we'd be together for much longer than we have been, and... The very fact that I'm thinking like that should be enough of a clue, shouldn't it? She's my girlfriend; she should be the only one I think about being with, but... the fact that she's not...? The fact that she's there, in an otherwise empty bed, while I'm hanging about in a graveyard, waiting for my vampire lover to finally come home...? I don't think it bodes well for our future. And where *is* he, anyway?
// And all I want is to be with you again...
All I want is to hold you like a dog...
All I want is to be with you again...
With you again...
Just hold you like a dog... //
I love this chair of his. It's worn, and frayed a bit around the edges, but underneath it all, it's a comfort. It envelops me, and molds itself to my shape, and so what if it's slightly used? It reminds me of him, in a way... And it was here, in this chair, that I first touched him. It was in this chair that I first kissed him, and this chair is where I first tasted that hard flesh covered with the softest skin I've ever known.
Gods, I can remember every moment of that first night. I kissed him. I was so surprised when he kissed me back, and I think he thought I was drunk, but... I'm in college, after all; it takes more than a few swigs of whiskey to get me beyond tipsy. But he kissed me back, and he took me to bed, and... Wow! The man is *seriously* talented! After a while, of course, I started feeling guilty, what with the whole 'living with my lesbian lover' thing, and when he finally seemed to be sleeping, I crept from his bed and got dressed. It was while I was sitting in this chair, tying my shoes, that I realized he wasn't sleeping at *all*, because... I looked up, and there he was, standing right in front of me, naked as the day he was born.
He was so beautiful, in a purely masculine way that I can't even explain, and... he was so hard, and so ready, and... just so *appealing*, standing there staring at me, with his pale, elegant fingers wrapped around his long, hard cock, and... That's what *really* got me in trouble!
I think I would have been okay if I'd just left then. I might've been able to go back to my life and chalk that night up to the booze, or the moon, or whatever, but... I didn't. No, instead of being *smart* Willow-- *safe* Willow-- I let my desires rule me for the second (third... fourth... whatever) time that night, and I leaned forward, and ran my tongue over the hard shaft he was stroking so slowly.
I felt his hands move to my head, felt his fingers clenching in my hair, and... he tasted so *amazing*! He filled my mouth perfectly, and Gods!, when I slid my lips all the way down to the base of him, and felt his length in my throat...? I could have cum just from *that*! But he was moaning, and his fingers were flexing against my scalp, and the small dribbles of viscous fluid leaking from his tip were just... *delicious*, and... The scent rising from his thatch of crisp, dark curls was so right, and so purely *Spike*, and there was no way I was leaving until I'd had even more of him. I pulled back from him quickly, and pressed closer slowly, and he was straining to keep himself from thrusting into my mouth, and that wasn't something I'd expected, although I don't know why not... After all, he'd been wonderfully considerate while we'd been in his bed.
I remember how it felt to dig my fingers into his tight, pale ass, and the way he groaned-- so deeply I *felt* it more than *heard* it-- and the way he cried my name when I took him fully and swallowed hard around him. I remember that my eyes rolled back when he came, and that I didn't want to let him go. I felt so connected to him in that moment... That moment when turning back became impossible.
He drives me wild, in a way that Tara could never even *hope* to match, and...
I love this chair...
// Tonight I'm screaming like an animal...
Tonight I'm losing control...
Tonight I'm screaming like an animal....
Tonight... oh, I'm getting so low... //
But he's still not here, and I don't know when he'll be back, or even *if* he'll be back! Hell, for all *I* know, he's changed his mind about the whole thing... or maybe come to his senses.
I mean, I'm not even sure of why he wanted me to begin with! He was in love with my best friend... with Buffy... the Slayer. So why *would* he want me? Maybe I was just a way for him to work out his grief and loneliness. Maybe what I thought I saw in his eyes was just... relief, and not love at all. And maybe... maybe I'm just the closest he can come to having the girl he *really* wanted... the girl he couldn't have even if she *wasn't* dead... Maybe.
But maybe there's more to it. Maybe he *does* care. Maybe he's gone
away to give me what I wanted. Time. Space. A chance to *think*. And if
that *is* the case, then I appreciate it, but... I don't need any more
time. I don't want any more space. And *thinking* is vastly over-rated.
I know what I want now; I know what I *need*, and... I wish he'd just come
home.
// All I want is to be with you again...
All I want is to hold you like a dog...
All I want is to be with you again...
With you again... //
I'm going to have to break up with Tara, regardless of the fact that I still love her dearly. It's not the right kind of love, and there's no getting past that simple fact. I love her dearly, not *desperately*, and... She doesn't make me feel *alive*; not the way *Spike* does. She doesn't make me feel like my world is complete as long as she's there, and I realize that now. She deserves better, and... so do I.
I've never broken up with someone before, though, so I hope I do it right. I don't want her to feel like a fool, and I *don't* want her to feel the way *I* did when Oz ran off... But I want to be with Spike. Openly. Honestly. No secrets, no hiding, no... no pretending I'm not. And I guess I should get this over with before he comes back.
It's going to be hard; I know that, but... I hope it'll be worth it.
// Just to hold you like a dog...
That's all I want... //
End.