E-mail- ronisimon@hotmail.com
Rating- G all through
Pairing- W/S
Disclaimer- Joss has nothing to fear, I'm just borrowing them.
Feedback- yup yup yup
Summery- about acceptance
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Willow had been back from England for almost a month, but frankly she wished that she had stayed. The others had been great, always trying to strike up a cheery conversation with her in an attempt to be friendly. But they didn't know Willow was able to pick up on the emotions they had, and tried to hide. They all walked on egg shells when they were around her, and exuded a nervous energy. At times she found it hard to deal with, but toerated it nonetheless in an effort to prove to them that she was now okay.
But it all seemed to be in vain. No one would say anything to her, but she knew they would talk about it amongst themselves when she was around to hear. Even when it came to fighting a new 'nasty', she would offer her services but was turned down. Always the same old lame excuse, "We can handle it. Sit back and relax, enjoy being back."
It was hard to enjoy being back in Sunnydale when your friends made you feel unwanted, an outsider. Being here just seemed to make everyone uncomfortable, which in turn, made her feel the same way. What could she do to prove that she was alright? Nothing that she could think of, except to keep up the guise of friendly conversation and smile a lot.
She needed to get out... someplace where she didn't have to pretend that she was happy to be here. The red head grabbed her jacket and left the house on her way to Willy's bar. It was a bit of an unsavoury place to be, but one that seemed to fit the mood she was in.
* * * *
She walked in, and many eyes appreciatively followed her as she made her way to the bar and took a seat.
"Hey, Red. I'm a bit surprised to see you here. Not exactly you usual hangout."
"Hi, Willy. Just thought I could use a change of scenery tonight."
"Yeah, I get that. So not having a good night, eh? Want to talk about it?" he said with a sly grin.
"Not really. But I could go for a beer though." she said. Willy was about to say something more, but immediately closed his mouth as someone approached.
"Hey there, beautiful. Can I buy you a drink?" the stranger asked.
"Uh, hey pal. I wouldn't if I were you. Not with this one."
"Shut your mouth, barkeep. I was talking to the lady here." he replied as he once again turned his attention to Willow. "So, sweet thing. What about that drink?" Willow slowly turned her head to look at the stranger who reeked of alcohol. As expected, it was a vampire... a vampire who saw an ethereal white glow in Willow's eyes.
"Willy gave you a warning, and now I'm giving you the last one your ever going to get. Go back to your table and I'll let you live. Don't, and you die." she said as blue electrical charges snaked and crackled over her body.
"Sure, no problem." he said as he stumbled back to his table, "Maybe next time." and he sat down. Willow looked to Willy, eyes back to normal and shaking her head.
"Thanks for trying to warn him off for me."
"Don't sweat it." he said, placing a beer on the counter in front of her. "Here, its on the house. Looks like you could use it." he finished and she smiled appreciatively. "You know, I always did have a thing for green-eyed red heads." he said in fun.
"Don't push it." she said in mock anger.
"Alright, alright. I had to try. But you don't know what your missing." he laughed causing Willow to do the same.
"I guess I'll just have to take that chance." she replied, already feeling a little better. She took a sip of her amber coloured drink, and felt a familiar pressance walk up behind her. "Spike. Care to join me?" she asked without turning around.
"Don't mind if I do, pet."
* * * * *
"So, Red. What brings you to this part of town? Not exactly your type of establishment to be hangin' out in."
"Just looking for something different. I've never actually bothered to come in here for a drink before, thought I'd check it out."
"Something different? And this is the best you could come up with. Not very imaginative of you, pet." Willow's only reply was the shrugging of one shoulder. "Fess up. Why are you really here?"
"Needed to get out for a while. I was begining to feel closed in."
"Ahh. 'Never never land' isn't quite what you expected, eh?"
"Actually, it is. I just didn't think it would drag on this long. I still make them nervous." she took another sip of her beer.
"Well, what exactly were you expecting?" he said chuckling, "A bloody parade, after what you did?" he finished, and she turned to look at him for the first time since he arrived. "Yeah, I heard about what you did. I'm impressed. Never figured you for killing a bug, let alone destroy the world. I would've loved to see you in action." he laughed, But Willow only continued to stare at him.
"So, Spike. Liking the new soul, are ya?" she said sarcatically, and his laughter died.
"The others told you, did they? I knew they would."
"No. They never said a word to me about you. You never once came up in conversation." she said, and he knitted his brows together in a frown.
"If they didn't tell you, how did..."
"Your eyes, I can see it. I can feel a little bit of your emotions too... the guilt, confusion. Before your soul, I couldn't feel anything from you in the way of emotions." it was his turn to look away, hide his eyes. "Still having a hard time dealing with it, aren't you?" she asked, but all he did was give a slight nod, no words would come out. They just sat in silence for a time. They knew where they stood with each other right now, words were unnessessary.
Willow took a sip from her beer and slid the almost full bottle in front of Spike, who looked up at her as she stood. "Looks like you could use this more than I do. See you around." she turned and left him sitting there to watch as she walked out the door. Spike looked at the bottle before grabbing it, then gulped it all back.
"See ya, mate." he said as he got up and quickly walked to the door.
"Leaving so soon?" was all Willy could say to Spike's retreating back, and then he disappeared out the door. The bleach blonde looked right, but saw no one. He looked left and saw a figure walking away in the distance, making him run to catch up.
"Where you off to, Red?" he asked when he reached her side.
"Don't know. Just around. Not ready to go home yet." she said, and Spike knew she didn't want to talk anymore. They just walked around in a comfortable silence, no sounds except for they're footfalls, crickets and the occassional car that passed by.
Eventually they did make they're way back to Buffy's, and stood outside staring at the house with all its lights off. Spike knew she didn't want to go in yet, wanted to be anywhere but in there with the others.
"Oh bugger! Look, you donh't want to go in, so why don't you just come to my place for a while? You could use the time away, and I could use the company." he said. She looked at him, then back to the house before replying.
"Where do you live now?"
"I got me old crypt back. Clem was just sitting there while I was away, but he's gone now." he said, and Willow nodded. "Alright, pet. Let's go."
* * * *
"Here, Red, have a seat. If you like, there's the tele... reception sucks, but it works."
"Thanks." she said and sat down. Her eyes scanned her surroundings as Spike busied himself at the refrigerator. She'd only ever been in his crypt a couple of times, but she still marvelled at his tidiness. The tall blonde came walking back and handed her a glass.
"Sorry, pet. All I have is whiskey." and he sat down taking a large gulp of his own drink. Willow took a tiny sip of hers and recoiled at the taste.
"I wasn't really that thirsty anyway." she said as she placed it on a table near Spike. He found he couldn't help but stare at her, her face and her demeanor. She was not the same young girl she used to be. She looked older now, and something seemed to be missing. He couldn't quite put a finger on it yet, but given time he would figure it out. "Your staring at me."
"Your different. Not the same person anymore." he blurted out.
"Yeah, well. People have a way of changing, don't they?"
"I guess they do." he said, and noticed her studying him as well.
"You've changed too. You don't seem to be as willing to throw around your usual sharp-tongued comments like you used too. Well, not as much that is."
"Like you said, people change."
"Your not people, your a vampire."
"Just noticed that, did ya?" he replied with a smirk.
"You really are having a hard time dealing with it, aren't you?"
"Bloody hell! Why don't you just let it go?" he said, raising his voice.
"If you wanna talk about it, I won't tell anyone." she said, and he could see the sincerity in her green eyes, and relented.
"Its hard... remembering, seeing all the faces. How does peaches deal with this everyday?" he paused, "It drove me mad, you know. Couldn't think straight. I only just got me head back less than a couple weeks ago." he got up and started pacing around the room as he talked. "But I can't forget the faces." he stopped and let himself sink to the floor. Willow got up and went to sit beside him, he looked so defeated, almost helpless. She put an arm around him in an attempt to lend some form of comfort, which, to her surprise, was willingly accepted. "I've killed so many people, I couldn't begin to count 'em all." He punched his chest a couple of times with a fist, "It hurts, the guilt I feel." he dropped his head, "What would you know about it anyway?" he finished with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
"More than you think," she replied, "a lot more."
"Well, you seem to be fairing pretty well, bird. Your not any the worse for wear." he said, and she gave a rueful laugh.
"Just because I've accepted the blame, doesn't mean the guilt disappears." he looked up into her face as she continued. "Your right, it does hurt, and probably always will. But all I can do now is go on. Eventually, maybe it won't be so bad, but for right now this is my punishment." she said.
As he stared into her emerald eyes, he realized what it was that she was missing. Her innocense. She was most definately not the naive little thing that she used to be. The girl that used to babble and stutter when she was nervous no longer lives in the body sitting beside him. Her gentle nature remained, obviously, for here she sits trying to console him... but she is forever changed.
Spike put his head on her shoulder, and she rested hers on the top of his head, still keeping her arm around letting him know he's not alone... not anymore.
* * * * *
The house was empty shen she returned last night, not a soul anywhere around. She did manage to sleep a little easier, though it took a while for the sandman to make his appearance. Talking to Spike last night seemed to help her to relax... it felt good to talk about her feelings, something she hadn't been able to do since she got back. She could tell that her friends just wanted to forget about everything, and listening to Willow describe her feelings would have turned everything back into reality... something they didn't want.
As much as Spike was willing to listen to her, she gave him a very much needed ear to talk into. It felt good to help someone, even if it was Spike... the same Spike who had kidnapped her, tried to bite her in her dorm room. But that was now a thing of the past, and the question that remained was, what to do about the future? It was easy to look back at the past and scrutinze the mistakes you've made, but there was no way to look ahead to stop any future one's from happening.
"Hey, Will." came a voice, taking Willow from her thoughts as she immediately threw on a smile.
"Morning, Buffy. Sleep well?"
"Yup." she replied as she made her way to the coffee pot and poured herself a cup. "Its amazing how slaying can give you a good nights sleep." she took a sip of the hot dark liquid, "How'd you sleep?"
"Fine."
"So, did you manage to find something to do while I was out last night?"
"Uh huh. I went to Willy's and had a beer." her statement caused the blonde to stop dead in her tracks and stare wide-eyed at the red head.
"What on earth were you doing in a place like that?"
"I wanted a drink and some time out."
"So you picked Willy's? You could've gone to the Bronze if you wanted to go out."
"I wanted to go someplace different, and that was definately different." she said, feeling a need to defent her actions.
"Will, you know how dangerous that place is. You should never have gone there." Buffy finished, but Willow found her tone to be an insult, scolding her as if she were a child.
"Buffy, before you start deciding for me where I can or can't go, you should stop and think about it first. I am more than capable of taking care of myself, more so than anybody." she sighed, "I realize your just trying to look out for me and I thank you for that. But the truth of the matter is, I'm okay and I can take care of myself."
Defeatedly, "Yeah, your right, Will." Buffy said as she looked into her coffee, "I guess you can take care of yourself. Its just that, well I..."
"Its okay, really. And I think its sweet of you to still want to look out for me." Willow smiled hoping to relax the slayer, "but you don't need to anymore." the blonde nodded and looked up at the smiling face of her friend and gave a small smile back. "So, are you going to tell me what the 'Bad' was last night, or are you going to make me guess?"
"Well," said the blonde as she moved to take a seat across from Willow, "It was a Gitrelka Demon... very strong, but anything could kill." Buffy excitedly related the story, happy to be on a topic that was more in her element. "And the smell...I thought I was going to pass out." she finished as she waved a hand in front of her nose for emphasis.
"Sounds exciting." Willow replied, hoping she hid her disinterest well enough. She was tired of hearing about all of the adventures, something she wasn't a part of, but it gave everyone the chance for a conversation topic with the red head. This time it was to keep the mood between her and the slayer light, given the words they just exchanged over her going to Willy's, Willow thought that listening to the story would make Buffy happy.
And it had worked, but Willow ws left wondering... when would it be her turn to be happy? She pulled her mind back to her friend, allowing Buffy to, once again, slip back into 'Fantasy Mode'.
* * * * *
For the rest of the day Buffy and Willow exchanged the usual pleasantries, but nothing more. Buffy did her best to find things around the house to do, giving her the excuses she needed to avoid Willow when she could. Not that the red head really minded anyway... she had become accustomed to spending much of her time alone, and now prefered it.
Dawn was up in her room doing her homework, while Buffy had decided that it was time to sanitize the kitchen counters... again. Looking at the clock, Willow decided to grab her jacket and headed towards the door when Buffy's voice stopped her.
"Going out?"
"Uh huh. Thought I'd go for a walk, get some fresh air... maybe even sit and just stare at the stars for a while."
"Oh, okay. Well, uh... have a good time." she said as she plastered a smile on her face.
"Thanks, Buffy. See you later.' and with that, Willow made her escape out the door and walked down the street to the park. When she arrived she made her way to the swings and sat on one, closing her eyes and breathed in deeply the cool night air.
It felt good to be out of that house, away from her friends, away from showing emotions that she wasn't really feeling. All this acting, it was like being in a play that had no ending to it, except for the little intermissions when she would leave for a few hours. Maybe it was time she found her own place, somewhere she could be herself and feel what she wanted to feel. But she knew deep down that she wouldn't.
"Evenin', pet."
She had been so preoccupied by her own thoughts that she hadn't even felt Spike's pressence. With a start, she opened her eyes and snapped her head in his direction, as he sat in a swing right next to her.
"Spike, I didn't hear you come over."
"That's obvious." he looked at her, "Needed out again, eh?" she nodded and turned her eyes to the sky, but it was a cloudy night, not much in the way of stars to look at.
"So, you gonna tell me about it?"
"Nothing much to tell. I told Buffy I went to Willy's last night," she looked back at Spike. "Don't worry, I never said anything about you... I said I wouldn't." she gave a small sigh, "She scolded me like I was a child who did something she knew she wasn't supposed to do."
"Really? She did that? I tell ya, that chit's got balls."
"A few years ago I could understand... but now?"
"So tell me, pet. Why do you put up with it?" he asked, "You could always move out."
"I told you, this is my punishment." she looked down, "I may not like it, but I deserve it." They sat in silence for a time as he watched her. He could see it in the way she carried herself, on her face and in her eyes... she had given up. The once boisterous young chit who was eager to do anything, help anyone, now sat her beside him totally deflated. Her eyes looked so sad, a sadness that ran so deep she could drown in it.
Comfort was most definately not his speciality, but he couldn't sit there and do nothing, not after the way she was willing to comfort him last night and expecting nothing in return. His mind made up, he stood and walked behind Willow's swing, giving it a small push.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm being a bloody gentleman, so shut up about it and let me." and not another word was said. She didn't say much anymore, he noticed, and came to realize as the thought entered his mind... he missed her smile.
"Smile for me, red." he said, "A real one."
"Someday, when I have a reason." she said softly in a voice that sounded far away.
* * * * *
As the next couple of weeks rolled by, Willow found Spikes company to be a nessessary part of her existance. They had spent time together almost every night, not really doing much, not really saying much, just enjoying the feelling of not being quite so alone. He never expected anything of her, and it was nice not having to pretend to be something she wasn't.
Feelings had developed in her for the blonde vampire, but it was something she couldn't bring herself to discuss with him. He had become more than just a life-line for her, more than just a comfortable companion. She was in love with him... in love with him for many different reasons, but she was afraid that if she told him it would drive him away from her. And frankly, she wasn't sure how she would handle existence without him. He was the only one who understood what she was going through... the only one who wanted to understand- and she couldn't take the chance on losing that.
She would be content with things remaining the way they are if that meant he would stay in her life. She didn't-wouldn't set her hopes on him ever loving her, not while she knew that he was in love with Buffy. That was something she had known for a while now-years- and it was something she'd come to accept.
Willow looked down at her watch and left the house. She and Spike had planned to meet at the park again to talk... he said that he needed to talk to her about something, something important. The witch was at a loss as to what it could be, and wondered about it for the entire trip.
Her thoughts were interupted as a vampire stepped out in front of her, blocking her way.
"Well, looky what we have here." he hissed, learing at her. "Your just in time for dinner."
"I don't thinks so." she replied as her eyes began to glow a super-natural white, "Time for you to go on a diet." The vampire's yellow eyes widened as he watched a broken branch lift off the ground by itself and launch itself into his chest, causing a dust cloud to form and fall to the ground.
"Remind me never to piss you off, luv." she turned to see Spike walking down the street walking towards her, dropping a stick he was holding to the ground.
"I thought you'd be at the park." she stated.
"Yeah, well. Nothin' better to do, thought I'd meet you part way." he replied and looked at the dust on the sidewalk. "You were right... you can handle yourself." he snickered, "Come along then." and they both began walking in silence until they reached the park and sat in they're customary spots at the swing set.
"You said you needed to talk to me about something important?"
"You don't waste any time getting to the point, do ya, pet?" he took in an unnessessary deep breath then continued. "Its, I need to get this off my chest if I'm gonna go on." he looked into her expectant green eyes, "As a vampire, we don't feel quite the way mortals do. I mean, we do have feelings, they just don't run as deep, and its hard to really know for sure what each feeling is."
"What are..." but he held up a hand to silence her.
"Please, luv, let me finish. I was in love with Buffy, and... we started sleeping together, and I thought it was great. But she decided to quit-said she was just using me. One night I couldn't take her not wanting me and I snuck into the house and tried to rape her." he saw the stunned expression in the green eyes and feared he may have scared her away from him for good.
"You..."
"I said I tried... but she kicked my ass and it didn't happen. But now, with the help of this damn soul-pain in the bloody ass it is- I know now that I wasn't in love with her. It was lust. Yes, I feel awful for what I almost did, and will till the day I get dusted." he took a cigarette from his pocket and lit it. "I will understand if you don't want to spend time with me anymore, and I'm not asking for your forgiveness either. Its just, its something I needed to say." he finished, nervously taking a long haul from his cigarette and blowing out the smoke.
He looked at her out of the corner of his eye and saw her sitting there staring off in the distance in quiet contemplation.
"Fair enough." she said, turning her face to him. "You told me." she nodded but still sat. "Was that it?"
"Yeah, that was it, duck." he said warily, still expecting her to run from him.
"Okay," she replied. "Quiet time now." and with that she pushed the ground with her feet and sat, slowly swinging back and forth.
* * * * *
They sat on the swings for an hour, as Spike would look at her priodically in awe. She'd accepted what he had told her, didn't get mad or pass judgement, just listened to his much needed confession. And when it was all over, she had forgiven him and stayed instead of running away from him. She was absolutely amazing. The feelings she sparked in him went beyond discription. He looked forward to they're time together, and felt such loss each time they had to part.
He had even noticed things about her he'd never paid attention to before, simple things like the colour of her hair and how green her eyes were against her soft pale skin. Why had he never noticed how truely beautiful she was before? Her ability to reach out with her heart to anyone who needed it, even to someone like Spike.
He glanced again over to where she sat and noticed that she was staring at him.
"What is it, pet?"
"Smile for me, Spike."
"I always do, luv, inside... when we're together." he said as she jumped off her swing and held out her hand to him.
"Come with me." she said.
"Where?" he asked curiously as he took her hand and stood up, allowing her to lead the way. She said nothing as they walked along the streets and made it to a hill on the outskirts of town, when she finally turned to him and spoke.
"Do you trust me?" she asked.
"That's an odd question now, duck." he said, and his brows furrowed together as he saw the seriousness in her eyes.
"Do you trust me?"
"Of course. I trust you with my soul." and he watched her give a slight nod and raise her hands to rest on either side of his head. "What are you doing?"
"Giving myself a reason."
"For what?" he asked.
"To smile for you." she replied and closed her eyes. Within moments, Spike began to feel light headed and shut his eyes as a strange warmth flowed through his body, which eventually could be felt on his skin. It was such a strange sensation, yet vaguely familiar. "Open your eyes."
He opened his eyes and saw the first rays of dawn falling upon the quiet town below. Fear and anger hit him like a sledge hammer as he clumsily backed away trying desperately to find shelter.
"What the bloody hell!" he shouted as Willow ran over to him and grabbed at his hands.
"Spike! Spike, its alright. Look at yourself, your not burning, your not on fire or anything." she said trying to calm him. He looked down nervously at his hands, unable to believe his eyes.
"What did you do to me, Red? What's going on?" he asked, looking like a scared rabbit waiting to bolt.
"Don't worry, its not real, it can't hurt you." she said soothingly, "Its a spell. Your seeing the sunrise I saw the first day I came back." but he looked at her questioningly. "When I came back to Sunnydale, this is where I came, just to be alone... watch the sunrise." she paused. "Its a spell, the sun isn't really rising, its a suggestion I put in your mind. Your just seeing the replay of the one I saw." she finished and watched him go closer to see for himself. He couldn't help looking down at himself, just to make sure no smoke floated from his body.
"Its been so long..l." the words came out as almost a whisper as she came and stood beside him. "I'd forgotton what it looked like." he said as his chest filled with an overwhelming sense of joy. "No one had ever done anything like this for me, Red... or cared enough to." he said, unable to tear his eyes away from the sun as he felt it warm his skin for the first time in... longer than he cared to remember. "Is it any wonder?"
"What?" she asked.
"Why I love you?" he replied as he slowly turned to look into her face only to see something beautiful, so beautiful that it outshone the sunrise itself... her smile.
"That a smile for me, pet?" he asked and she nodded.
"I have my reason."
the end