Notes: I absolutely adore this song by Enya and after I heard it this idea came to mind~
~^~**~^~
May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home
Mornië utúlië (Quenya: Darkness
has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornië alantië (Quenya: Darkness
has fallen)
A promise lives within you now
May it be the shadow's call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun
Mornië utúlië (Quenya: Darkness
has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornië alantië (Quenya: Darkness
has fallen)
A promise lives within you now
A promise lives within you now
~^~**~^~
~Part: 1~
With bloody hands, Willow flung herself at the police officer. "You have to help me- she.. she won't stop bleeding- and- I tried to stop it- I did.. I put the pressure.. on the wound.. but.. but she won't stop bleeding- It won't stop. Why won't it stop? Please, you have to make it stop!"
By the end of her breakdown she had fallen to the ground, the tears streaming down her face and blurring her vision. She held her face in her hands and looked to the ambulance doors. They were open, and the workers inside were preparing it for the stretcher to be brought into the vehicle.
As the stretcher passed, Willow pushed herself up from the ground and looked at the body. The crimson liquid seemed to cover the entire body and Willow felt herself dizzying. Suddenly, the world around her faded into fuzzy images then to black.
~^~**~^~
Her throat was dry, her mouth was hot and sticky and she felt like someone had knocked her over the head with an anvil. Groaning slightly, Willow struggled to open her eyes and, when she finally did, her vision was unclear. After a couple more seconds, her vision was cleared and her green orbs examined the room she was in. <It's a hospital room- why am I in a hospital room?> Her fingers moved across the bedding to find a control, something to call the nurse with. Finally they traveled onto a smooth plastic button and she pressed down, then waited patiently for the nurse to bring her refreshments.
As she waited, the redhead tried to remember hard of what had happened to bring her to her current situation. Visions of a car accident flashed into her mind; the argument, the slippery road, the tree and finally the crash. <Oh god- what happened to her? Is she ok? > Willow shot off the bed, desperate to get to the person of her thoughts. The hospital had put various attachments all over her body, but she finally managed to rip them all off.
"Miss Rosenberg! Where are you going?" Willow pushed the nurse down to the side as the lady tried to stop the frantic redhead. "Miss Rosenberg!"
Willow ran down the hallway, clueless as to where to start. She was so immersed in her thoughts that she never even saw the body in front of her until she ran into him. She began to mumble an apology but when she looked up, she halted her words. Angel stared down at the trembling girl with pained eyes. They stood in the middle of the hallway for a few moments, both frozen in their positions.
Finally Willow cleared her throat and asked, "Do you know where she is? I need to see her."
He nodded slowly and began to walk in the opposite direction. Willow fell in step with him until they reached the door. Her fingers grabbed the door knob. Her movements were slow, as if she were in a trance. The coolness of the knob seemed to snap her out of her daze and she looked to Angel to see if he would follow but she saw that he was already sitting down in one of the visitor's seats, his head in his hands. Her intake of breath increased as she opened the door and stepped inside the hospital room.
The tears stung as they rolled down the redhead's cheeks. The body, still alive, but barely lay on the bed, completely unmoving. It was so different from her usual lively self.
Willow looked down at her with sad eyes, completely oblivious to all else around her, including Giles' and Xander's surprised responses to see Willow of all people walk through the door. She shook off their embraces and moved to the bed. She raised one clammy hand to caress the still body's cheek and brushed a strand of hair away from the face. A small smile was on Willow's lips when she did these actions until two hospital attendants rushed into the room and pulled Willow's unresisting body back.
~^~**~^~
The redhead sat on the hospital bed, thinking over all the events of the past few days. She had been left alone and had no visitors. It seemed like her friends had abandoned her, leaving her to take care of more important things.. and people. She sighed as the subject was brought to mind.
Silent tears flowed down her face as she realized a depressing but true fact. Like the car crash, her life was no longer in her control and it all depended on fate. She hung her head down in shame and let out a gut wrenching sob. Because she lost that control she had almost lost her own life. Because she lost that control, she had lost her best friend.
~Part: 2~
"I don't believe you," Willow said softly as she rocked back and forth on the hospital bed. She looked up and shot a glare at the doctor who was trying to convince her of some false news.
"Miss Rosenberg, please, you have to listen to me. The girl that you were in the car with," He flipped through a few pages of paper on his clipboard, "I believe her name is Buffy Summers. She's in critical condition. I don't think she's going to make it."
"No, no, no!" The redhead denied, "I don't believe you! You're just.. just trying to trick me. Buffy can't be dying. She has too much to live for. She has her slaying.. and… her friends- and everything. She's going to live a long life."
"Miss Rosenberg," The doctor tried again.
"Just leave me alone," she pleaded but when she saw that he wasn't moving she screamed out, "*Leave* *me* *alone*"
He flinched and backed away slowly, still debating if he should try again or not.
She made the decision for him, "*Go* *away*!"
Shaking his head, he left the room. <Another one lost.>
~^~**~^~
Guilt. It was always there, taunting her. Her mind wouldn't stop remembering. It wouldn't let her forget. All Willow wanted to do now was just that, forget. Forget that she ever got in the car. Forget that she ever had that fight with Buffy. Forget that she had lost control of the car. And mostly forget that the reason Buffy was laying on a hospital bed right now, nearing her death, was her.
The redhead closed her eyes tightly, trying to block the salty drops of pain that were trying to slip out. She breathed through her mouth because her nose was stuffed up from all the crying. She gripped the sides of the bed even harder than before. She wouldn't cry. Not anymore. She didn't *deserve* to cry. She didn't deserve that release.
A whimper slipped from her lips and she bit her lower lip. She couldn't do it. It was too hard. The tears began to flow down her face and yet again, for the millionth time in those couple of days, she began to sob, drowning in pity and regret. She was weak, and she knew it.
~^~**~^~
~~"What? Why? How? When?" Buffy asked in confusion from her position in the passenger's seat.
"I just do," Willow shrugged, "It's hard to explain."
"Well, you better get to explaining because you cannot just drop this big ass bombshell on me and then not go into details!"
The redhead cringed at the harshness in her best friend's voice, "I don't know. Buffy, it's my life. I don't owe you any explanations. The only reason why I told you any of this is because I respect you enough to respect me for my decision."
"Willow, do you have *any* idea what you're saying? Do you *know* what kind of risk you're putting yourself at here?"
She was getting frustrated from all the hypocritical words that were coming out of Buffy's mouth. "Yes, Buffy. I'm well aware of what kind of `risk' I'm putting myself in but you know what, like I said, it's my life. The decisions are mine to make."
"Well, I'm not just going to sit here and watch you throw your life away!"
"Buffy!" The redhead turned to her best friend, aggravated, "It's *not* your decision!"
Before Buffy could reply to Willow's answer the blonde screamed out, "Holy shit! Will, look out!"
Willow whipped her face around and swerved the car, just in time to avoid hitting the oncoming car, but running straight into the tree. When she regained consciousness, the redhead lifted a hand to her forehead, feeling something sticky on her fingertips, she brought it down to eye level. <Is that blood?>
Drowsily, she turned her head, still trying to figure out what had happened. What she saw was not what she expected. The window on the passenger's side of the car was smashed and Buffy's bloody face laid against it. ~~
Willow woke up screaming as the memories were brought back. Seconds later a nurse rushed into the room, her movements frantic. "What's wrong, Miss Rosenberg?"
The redhead was beyond coherent thought and words. She had stopped screaming, her voice lost, but she continued to sob. She rocked back and forth, trying to rid herself of the thoughts that were plaguing her mind.
Willow was so focused on her thinking that she never even noticed the doctor rushing in, giving her a shot of only god knows what, supposedly trying to calm her down. She also never noticed the soft glow of light that was floating by her trembling body.
~^~**~^~
The noise was loud against the silence of the room. <Someone's visiting me?>
Willow's eyes shot open at the thought and she turned her body, despite the muscle's protests, to the guest.
"Giles."
He looked terrible. His hair was matted to his head and his clothes were rumpled, like he hadn't changed them in days. That wasn't the worst part though. On the face that used to smile down at her with fatherly care was now a look of detachment and utter unfeelingness.
"I have some news."
The moistness seemed to have left her throat as she found it hard to swallow. "What is it?"
He turned his dull eyes to hers and replied simply, "The next Slayer has been called."
~Part: 3~
She couldn’t take it anymore. They had released her two days ago and she had tried to go back to the daily regimen, she really did. But, it didn’t work. Glares and nasty comments were one thing, but the uncaring looks from lifeless eyes that belonged to the people that she considered to be her family was just too much. She had to get out of this, escape the suffocation. A flash of dedication and hope sprung into Willow’s green eyes as her mind was made up. Tomorrow she would leave.
~^~**~^~
She had always wanted to do this. Pack up her necessities, get in a car, and just drive. To not know where the path ahead would lead, and for once to not be positive of anything. In a way, she was giving in again. But right now, she was beyond caring about it.
Willow brushed away a strand of red hair that the wind had blown into her face. Her parents had left her with a few things, one of them being a nice car, that were supposed to make up for the love that they never gave her. She let out a harsh laugh as she realized how that thought had sounded. Her parents had no fault in any of the choices that she made. True, it made her a more introverted person, but every path that she chose to take was completely made up by her and only her.
You would think driving in a car would bring back bad memories. But it didn’t. That was her life before. Back when she was still vulnerable to things that she never should’ve been. Multiple ‘what ifs’ flashed through her mind as the subject was brought up. She shook the thoughts out of her head. No more ifs are allowed in her new life. Why bother thinking about things that you can no longer change?
The sun was beginning to set and the pinks, purples, and blues were beginning to peek out. She smiled as she viewed the gorgeous picture-like sight before her. Growing up on the Hellmouth had many consequences, one being never able to *truly* enjoy a sunset without having that fear that after the sun does set, your life is at risk and everything that you’ve ever enjoyed in life could be gone the next second. <There are other ways that could happen too.> Willow pushed away the negative and pestering thought, *no* thinking about the past. Pointless thoughts that required too much effort and time that she just didn’t have.
So she decided that she would forget about it all. Forget about Buffy. Forget about Giles. Forget about Xander. Forget about Angel. Forget about the accident. Forget about the pain. Forget about the accusing glares. Forget about it all. But mostly, she had to forget about one being. The one, in her opinion, that had started it all. She had to forget about Spike.
~^~**~^~
So leaving may not have been the brightest thing he’d done, but it certainly
wasn’t the dumbest. The bleached blonde vampire, also known as William
the Bloody, and a quarter of the previous Scourge of Europe, was not exactly
known for his patience and his good deeds.
<It was just a passing fancy.> He had tried to convince himself that over the past couple of days, but it was quite obvious that it wasn’t true. Quite odd how a simple redheaded teenage girl could bring out feelings that he thought were long lost in him. And these feelings didn’t include death, torture, or pain. Well, at least not *bad* pain. These feelings were ones that brought out the human side in him. The side that he had long repressed. The side that he *couldn’t* and *wouldn’t* bring out. He wasn’t a ponce. That job was already taken up by his sire. So you see, leaving was the only choice he had left.
~^~**~^~
Willow leaned back in her seat, her grip tightening on the steering wheel. It was dark and it was quiet. She didn’t like it. When there was no sound, her thoughts would come out to haunt her. Her past was at the corner of her mind, just biding it’s time before pouncing on her and make her relive all the memories that she wished she could wash away. Hastily, she turned on the radio, hoping to find some comfort in the music.
~^~**~^~
The redhead dropped her bags onto the rough carpet and turned on the light. She closed the door with her back and leaned against the cool wood for just a moment before opening them again and examining the room. Green eyes skimmed the space and concluded that, like all the past motel rooms, it was nothing special. TV, night table, bed, chairs, closet, and bathroom. Simple and nothing out of the ordinary.
She was tired of being the one in school that had to hide behind a mask of lies. Even though most of the residents in Sunnydale know that *something* must go bump in the night, if anybody actually spoke out about it, she doubted that anybody would actually listen. But every night, she fought the fight alongside her best friend. Risked her life to save others and the one time she indulged herself in a guilty pleasure, everything came crashing down on her.
<It wasn’t fair.> The redhead thought angrily. <Then again, what is?> Life wasn’t fair. That much was for sure. If life was fair, she would be back in Sunnydale, sitting across from Buffy, chattering about some minuscule topic. But no, she was here, in a small town, miles away from home, alone and running away from her past. Buffy was at a better place though, that much she knew and it gave her some sort of comfort. She hoped the Slayer was finally at a place of rest. She definitely deserved it.
Willow silently wished that she was with Buffy, in a happier place. A place with no worries. But she would never commit suicide. Not only would she never be that desperate, she was also still sane, due to contrary belief. It was also the easy way out, just to give up. She may have been weak before and gave in to the evils of the world, even if it was just a little bit. And look where that got her. She would never make that mistake again, *never*.
Sighing slightly, the redhead tucked herself in and closed her eyes. The coldness of the covers and the flatness of the pillow made it harder to fall into the grasps of sleep but somehow, she still managed to do it.
~Part: 4~
The days passed by slowly and gradually, the memories began to fade into the background and were no longer bothering her. As the hours blended into days and days into weeks, Willow found herself in the city of Los Angeles, of all places. She was tired, truly emotionally exhausted from all the hiding and the running away. Whatever happened now was up to the powers above and honestly, she didn’t care anymore.
She had grown numb, teaching herself to block out the things she didn’t like or didn’t want to feel. She was pushing herself further and further into denial. It was slowly destroying the previously vibrant redhead. It was too bad she couldn’t see what she was doing to herself.
~^~**~^~
Willow dropped her keys onto the table as she sifted through her mail and dropped it onto the counter when she noticed nothing special about the letters. Moving to her bedroom she turned on the CD player and started to strip. Throwing her shirt over her head, she began to sing along to the lyrics.
When this began
I had nothing to say.
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me.
I was confused.
And I live it all out to find, but I'm not the only person with these
things in mind.
Inside of me.
But all that they can see the words revealed.
Is the only real thing that I got left to feel.
Nothing to lose.
Just stuck, hollow and alone.
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own.
Despite the fact they hit close to home, the redhead went about her normal routine without flinching. She could relate though, for she sang the next part the loudest.
I will never know myself until I do this on my own.
Cuz I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed.
I will never be anything til' I break away from me.
I will break away. I'll find myself today.
Willow stepped into the shower and breathed a sigh of relief when the warm water hit her face. She ran her hands through her damp hair and savored the feeling of the liquid sliding down her body. For the moment, she had peace. For the moment, she was content. For the moment, she forgot everything.
After finishing up her shower, she opened the door and she was met with a gust of cool air, snapping her out of her reverie and back to reality. And for a second, she wanted nothing more then to break down and cry. To let it all out, to just have some sort of release. But the redhead pushed forward the cold and icy exterior, bit back the tears, and pushed down the pain.
~^~**~^~
~~ “Will, you busy tonight?”
“Depends on what you want me to do.”
“I was thinking maybe.. movies?”
Willow turned towards her best friend with a small smile, “And what about research and patrol?”
“I’m sure Giles won’t mind if we just not patrol this one night. I mean, come on now, it’s been slow as it is and *plus* the new Brad Pitt movie is out.” Buffy nearly bounced off her seat with excitement, “It won’t work if I beg and annoy him alone but if we gang up on him, he might actually let us.”
“What is this plotting I hear of?”
“Oh, Giles!” The blonde Slayer at least had the courtesy to look embarrassed.
“Yes, Buffy and Willow for that matter, you may both go to the movies. I’ll take over patrolling for tonight.”
Buffy gave him one of her 100-watt smiles and grabbed her best friend’s arm and dragged her out the door, “Thanks Giles!” ~~
Willow woke up with a start. She was getting tired of these memories and flashbacks. She didn’t want to remember. But for some reason, no matter how hard she repressed them, they just wouldn’t go away. She wanted to forget, but she couldn’t. She could never go out to the movies or have a girl’s night out without thinking of Buffy. Before Buffy, those types of activities didn’t exist to her. And it seems, after Buffy, they didn’t either. The redhead rubbed her forehead, trying to rid herself of the worries, and as she slid her hand down her face, she found something that she hadn’t encountered in the last month. She found tears.
~^~**~^~
She was weak. She was pathetic. She gave in. She cried. Throughout the day, Willow couldn’t stop mentally scolding herself for having taken the coward’s way out. She didn’t deserve release and she shouldn’t have gotten it. The thought was repeated over and over again in her head as she went about her day job at a small start-up company paying just a little above minimum wage. Though her credentials were better then most, she was a high school drop out and that never looked too good on a resume.
When her workday ended, she walked back to her apartment with careful steps. This time paying more attention on where she was going rather then her thoughts. She had decided to ignore them, to stop thinking so much. Overanalyzing things was always a fault of hers and it was one that she planned to stop. All she needed in her life right now was the basics and no worries about excess details.
~^~**~^~
After her shower, Willow plopped herself down onto the couch and turned on her television, though not actually watching the news. She was staring at the television screen though it seemed she was actually staring beyond that. Thinking about everything yet nothing at the same time.
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