E-mail : willow_red_2002@yahoo.com
Feedback : Please? On list or by private e-mail.
Pairings : W/S.
Rating : NC-17 eventually
Spoilers : Nothing that is specific to any episodes.
Summary : Willow has a crush on Spike.
Time line: Takes place mid-season 4
Disclaimer : These characters belong to Mutant Enemy, Inc and 20th Century Fox Television. No infringement is intended.
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~Part: 1~
He's doing it again. The acting all sexy but trying not to be too obvious about it thing. The sprawled out but not overly macho way he sits on the couch with his chest thrust the teensiest bit forward, and the way he looks at both Buffy and Anya when talking to them can only described as sexy - dangerous and predatory, but still sexy. If I didn't know better I'd say he was trying to get either Buffy's or Anya's attention - like, in *that* way. I seem to be the only one that's noticed it, though. And boy, have I noticed. How can anyone *not* notice Spike?
I think it's safe to say I have a little bit of a crush. Okay, way more than a little bit. I feel like a cat in heat whenever he's within five feet of me. Something about him just brings out the wild (okay, slightly wild) side of me. The side that fantasizes about just shoving him up against a wall and kissing him, the side that fantasizes about him touching me, the side that fantasizes that he actually might want me touching him. I get so...*wired* thinking about him. Hell, just thinking about the fantasies is making me hot. There was Oz, and I'm also kinda attracted to Tara, but I've never felt like *this*. I swear he's not really a vampire, he's some sort of a - a - lust demon. Yep, that's it. A lust demon, preying on unsuspecting young women and working them into a frenzy.
Of course I know how utterly, horribly *wrong* this is and I also know nothing's ever going to happen. I try my best to act normal, because I don't think I could take the embarrassment, disgust, disappointment, and humiliation of anyone finding out I'm crushing on Spike. So I always keep my eyes to myself and on research, only sneaking an occasional glance, and I try to be nice, even if he isn't. I honestly think the mean comments and don't-give-a-crap attitude are a defense mechanism to keep from going crazy in a situation that's probably killing him. Maybe I'm wrong, but in any case, being nice can't hurt.
"I hope you lot appreciate this. Driving all the way to LA for a sodding book isn't my idea of a good time, you know. By the way - page 100. Trakana demon. I think that's what the Slayer was describing." Spike's voice jolts me from my rambling thoughts back into the present, and I look up at the group from my computer. If we can finally put a name to this demon Buffy saw last night, then my work is done for now.
Anya frowns. "Trakanas are flesh eaters, and they're pretty nasty as far as demons go. You'd better hope that's what not Buffy saw."
Great. If Anya the ex- *vengeance* demon says they're nasty...
Giles is examining the book and leafing through the old, worn pages carefully as Buffy stands next to him. "Is that what you saw?" he asks as he reaches the correct page and shares the book with her.
Buffy nods her head, still looking at what I assume is a drawing of this Trakana demon.
"Are you certain?"
"Oh, yeah. That was it. I never forget anything that big and ugly," she answers with a tiny scrunch of her nose. "A great big, ugly *flesh-eating* demon. Wonderful. My week just keeps getting better and better."
"Yes, well. I think we should have the all the information we need, then. There's your money, Spike."
He walks over and pockets the bills from where Giles had thrown them on the kitchen table, and starts toward the door.
I can't help it. I have to say something in acknowledgment, even if they won't. Yes, he was paid, but he didn't *have* to drive to LA. He could of gotten us info on something else. There's always a "something else" on the Hellmouth. "Thanks, Spike." I say to his general direction. I don't look up from the computer screen as I click the button to shut down - can't look, won't look - but I *feel* him pause for just a second, as if waiting to see if there's something else. But there's nothing more I can say. What *could* I say?
He leaves, and I pack up my things to go back to the dorm.
~Part: 2~
I grab my backpack and tell everyone that I'm going to leave now. Giles offers to drive me back to the dorm, but I tell him I'll be okay walking, and he should really take Anya home, then drop Buffy off for patrol on the other side of town instead.
Buffy looks at me dubiously. "Will, you sure?"
I nod, then shrug. "I'll be fine, and the walk will help me think." 'Cause I have plenty to think about - school, what may or may be not going on with Tara - does this mean I'm gay if I find her attractive? But how can I be gay if I'm lusting after Spike? Though I'm going to *try* not to think about that too much.
"Willow, you really shouldn't take any unecessary risks. You know how dangerous it is-"
"Giles." I protest.
He gives a little sigh, knowing I'm going to do it anyway. "Very well, then. Call me when you arrive home."
I give him a smile. "Sure thing. Bye, guys."
I'm out the door a minute later, and as I step into the courtyard, I see Spike hasn't left after all.
Dammit, it's like I just can't away from him.
He's standing a little ways away against the side of the building, eyes closed, lit cigarette in one of his his slightly shaking hands. I can't be entirely sure in the low lighting, but it *looks* like he's crying.
Why is he crying?
He opens his eyes, brushes a hand over the side of his face, then his just a little through his hair. He finally looks right at me as he takes a drag from the cigarette. "You want something, witch?" he asks rather coldly.
"No. I - I just thought you'd left is all."
He shrugs. "Having a smoke. It was a free courtyard last time I checked."
Something's really upsetting him. I look down at my shoes for just a second, take a deep breath, then look up at him again. "Spike, if there's something bothering you - besides the whole not being able to kill us thing - then you might trying talking to -"
He cuts me off with a glare. "I'm bloody well *not* talking to you lot. Get it? There's nothing to talk about, anyway. Bugger off, Willow."
Now *I* feel like crying. Yes, I get it. I understand perfectly well. "Fine. I'm sorry. I won't ever bother you again, then."
I turn and leave without looking back. Stupid, rude vampire. Forget trying to be nice. I'm just going to *ignore* him from now on.
~Part: 3~
It's been four days since the little fallout in the courtyard, and surprise, I'm doing fine with ignoring Spike. Well, ignoring him much as I possibly can, anyway. He's only been around twice very briefly. The first time, he acted as if I wasn't even there. The second time, he paused at the door on his way out as if waiting for me to say something, like my usual "thanks" or whatever. Not going to happen. Maybe if he wants to apologize for being so... rude, I'll let him; I didn't do anything wrong here. I'm not holding my breath. I'd be willing to bet he even has a rule about it - The Big Bad doesn't say "I'm Sorry".
At least the Tara confusion is now resolved. We finally kissed while studying - it just kinda happened - and there was nothing there. No passion, like you'd expect if you're really attracted to someone. I guess I'm drawn to her because of the magick, and it's not really a physical thing. Maybe more of a soulmate kinda thing? I really like that idea.
Now I'm sitting here with my laptop, waiting for everyone to get back here from wherever they are so we can do some more research. That Trakana demon from a few days ago was taken care of easily enough, but rumour has it (rumour courtesy of Spike) that something called a Varas demon has the vampire underground uneasy. He says that he's never heard of this demon, and neither has Anya. This should be a challenge to see if I can come up with anything useful via the net.
Sometimes, I'd really rather be spending my Friday nights elsewhere.
I hear the door open, and I turn to see if it's Giles, who should have been back from the grocery store a while ago. It's just Spike, and I look away quickly and go back to the computer, not even wanting to acknowledge his presence.
Which is very hard not to do because he's now standing right in front of me.
"Still giving me the silent treatment, then?"
I don't respond, because, hey, that's usually what that silent treatment involves, right?
"Fine. You don't have to talk, but at least look at me, Willow. I can't apologize if you won't even look at me."
It's his saying my actual name that gets me. I look up, and my heart is hammering as his eyes lock with mine, searching. Those blue eyes you could just get lost in. He sits down beside me on the couch, and I swear there is something in the air just from the two us being so close together. A charge, an...electricity.
"I didn't mean to snap at you like that," he begins softly. "I know that you were just trying to help. There's something there on the kitchen table for you. And the card - I'll be back around tomorrow. Let me know if you want to, okay?"
Another, this time quick, look at me and then he's off the couch and gone.
Curious now, I walk over to the table. There's a nice looking vase with one yellow and one red rose in it, and the card.
Okay, just what is going on here? Spike's giving me *flowers*? Just two flowers, but still it's a simple, sweet thought.
My hands are trembling just a little as I open and read the card.
<Red,
We really should talk, if you'd still like to. My crypt? Tommorrow, after patrol?>
Apologizing? Flowers? Cards inviting me to his crypt?
No...*no way*.
It wasn't possible. Was it?
~Part: 4~
I pocket the card in my jeans, feeling rather confused and slightly hopeful. Of course I'm going to say yes to meeting him tomorrow. I know this is only going to be a casual friendship at best - it *can't* really be anything else despite my attraction - but anything that will help integrate Spike into the group is good.
I go back to my laptop, and continue looking for anything about Varas demons. Anything to keep my mind occupied so that I don't have to think about Spike for awhile.
I'm on to the third of the sites I bookmarked when looking around yesterday when Giles, Buffy, Xander and Anya arrive, all at the same time. Must be some odd Hellmouthy thing.
"Hi, guys," I say amidst the chatter of the four of them. I stretch out on the couch a little, deciding now's a good time for a small break.
"I swear you lot and your teenage feeding habits are going to kill me. I don't even eat most of these things." Giles declares as he sets a grocery bag on the counter. Xander and Anya start to help him unload it as Buffy puts another bag next to it. "Remind me again why I bother to stock the cupboards when it all disappears within a week or so anyway."
Xander holds up a box of Ho-Ho's, waving it a little before putting it a shelf. "G-man, don't you know the chocolately goodness increases brain cells? Good for research."
Giles snerks. "Ah, that must be it, then. And don't call me 'G-man'."
"Will, you're still looking up those Varas demons, right?" Buffy asks as she's putting some cans away.
"Yes, still not getting anywhere so far, though," I answer with a little frustration as I go back to the screen and scroll through a page. A day and a half and nothing much to show for it isn't good. "I was hoping between my searching the net, and Xander looking at the books... Wait - here's something!" Aha! Finally something. "This site actually has a listing for them. Says here that they have some shape-shifting powers, and they seem to be non-violent towards humans, but prey on vampires and other supernatural creatures, sapping their abilities, then usually killing them afterwards." I know I'm rambling slightly as I'm reading, and I hope the others can keep up with it. I'm also thinking maybe we should warn a certain someone.
"It's times like these that make me very glad I'm now an *ex* - demon." Anya announces.
"Didn't Spike say something like that - that a couple of vampires had been attacked in a really odd way, weakened but not killed? Also, this entry is only a few weeks old, from a Watcher in India who was doing some research on magick rituals. Doesn't India have a Hellmouth somewhere? I'm thinking we've got brand new visitors from some demon dimension. That would explain why neither Anya or Spike had ever heard of them." I tell them.
"Yes, there's a Hellmouth in Calcutta. Excellent deductions, Willow." Giles says with a smile, and I think hear pride in his voice.
"So, what are they doing in our territory?" Xander asks.
Anya answers in that cheerful, oddly modulated voice that I'm beginning to get very used to in spite of myself. "The Hellmouth contained here is the strongest on the planet. The energy is *extremely* powerful, more so than in any other. They probably need to be here for extra power in a ritual or something like that. Or maybe they just want a really quick way to get back to their home dimension. Traveling between the dimensions can be complicated."
"Terrific. So they come here because they want to phone home." Buffy rolls her eyes and snorts as she finishes putting her bag of groceries away. "Wait - If these things 'fed' enough, could they become basically invulnerable in whatever form they take? Like, a non dustable vamp? Or another kind of demon that has whatever powers? Or if the Initiative captured one for their experiments... I have patrol in a little while. I'll stop by and warn Spike about what we've found out."
Giles nods his head. "Agreed, Buffy. I can't see anything good coming from the Varas' presence."
No one even notices the vase and flowers that weren't there earlier so I'm spared any questions.
******************
The next day, after my last class, a short study session, and then dinner, I go over to Giles' for patrol with Xander, who is picking up Buffy from going to visit her mom. Spike is already there waiting for Buffy. After Giles heads into the kitchen for some tea, he asks me what I've decided. "So, Red, are you coming over tonight? You, me, some telly and some conversation away from here?"
Oh, yes. That sounds nice. So nice. "Yes. Oh, and thanks for the flowers."
"Welcome, love. Wasn't anything. Is 11:00 okay?"
"That's fine."
"Good. See you then," he says with a smile that makes me knees feel a little weak.
******************
I shower and change after patrol because it was muggy and there was a lot of walking. I don't have to worry about explaining to Buffy where I'm going because she's not even back yet. I leave her a note just saying I went out, then head to Spike's crypt.
He answers right away when I knock lightly on the door. "Red. Come in."
"So how was patrol?" I ask, noting the rather Spartan decorating job Spike has done. There's not much furniture. A table, a couple of chairs, a small dresser, a really comfortable looking couch and a TV set, and over in a corner, a King sized bed.
"Uneventful. The Slayer and I didn't run across a damned thing."
"Xander and I staked four vamps."
He smiles, and sits down on the couch. "Come here, pet. I won't bite."
Ha-hah. I sit next to him, trying to control myself, reminding myself that this couldn't ever be anything, even if he did like me. I motion to the the TV, trying to be casual. "Wanna see what's on TV?"
"Maybe later. I think we should just talk right now."
"Talking's good. About what?"
Another one of those smiles. "I've seen the way you look at me. You think that I haven't noticed it, but I have. And I want you to know I feel it, too. I really, honestly like you, Willow, and I'm attracted to you. I -"
Fuck. He *did not* just say that. He moves closer and takes my hand as he's talking. He smells *so* good. You wouldn't think that he would, but he does. I swallow hard. "Spike, I can't...We can't do this."
"Yes, we can." His fingers are tracing my lips now and I'm so close to breaking, no matter what I said about friends only. I feel so weak. "You don't want to kiss me? Not at all? Not even once?"
"I -" He's looking at me so softly. God and Godess help me, I break. I lean forward and kiss him. And he kisses me back. Softly at first, then it gets - passionate. We fall back on the couch, still kissing, me on top, running my hands over his chest. He's cool to the touch, lean and hard underneath me. I snake a hand under his t-shirt, and nuzzle at his neck. He makes this little sound of pleasure, and shifts, tangling our legs together, and bringing me flatter against him. His hands are roaming over my back, down to my hips, a little bit over my butt, under my shirt to my stomach, up to my breasts - and oh, god - *Spike* just felt me up.
I want to actually *touch* him so badly. I move my other hand to the waistband of his jeans, and pull the rest of his shirt free. "Can I?" I ask hesitantly. He sits up, and lets me take the shirt off. I stop and look for a moment, realizing that he really is all muscle; arms and chest just perfect. His entire body tenses as I kiss him right above the belly button. His hands tangle in my hair when I move up, rubbing against him slightly as I kiss his chest, then his lips. He's rubbing back, just a little, all hardness against my jeans, and I don't think I can take this. It's been so long. Months since Oz left.
I tug at the bottom of my shirt as we kiss again, inflamed and wanting more NOW. He grins wickedly, his hands moving out from my hair then curling around mine. "You want this off you then, love?"
"Please." I raise my arms and he pulls my top off, then throws it to the floor quickly. We move even closer together, up into a sitting position, and he's kissing the tops of my breasts, his thumbs teasing my nipples through the fabric of my bra. I feel so dizzy, so lightheaded, almost like I can't breathe. I swear nothing has *ever* felt this good. "Spike," I groan as one of his hands moves to my back and he starts to undo one of the hooks.
Then the crypt door bangs open.
"Oh, my *god*! Willow!"
I scramble away to see Buffy and *Spike* standing there with their mouths dropped open, both looking shocked, angry and completely horrified.
~Part: 5~
What the hell? What is going on? Oh ... oh, *god*. This Spike isn't actually him. It was never him.
"Get away from her!" Buffy charges over to "Spike" in a split second, and throws him clear across the room and against a wall, knocking him unconscious. His features began to change from what looks like Spike, into something still very human - looking with brown hair and a slightly ashy skin tone.
During this, flaming with embarrassment, I pick up my shirt and get re - dressed so quickly I barely even know I'm doing it. I still feel like I can barely breathe.
"Spike! Handcuffs - rope - anything!" He's already behind Buffy with a pair of handcuffs, which she puts on this new demon with a satisfying little clink. Then she turns to me. "Are you okay?"
I feel really dizzy, and like I want to throw up. I want to just run and leave, but my legs won't move. I sit back down on the couch slowly. "No, I'm not I...feel kind of ooky."
"Like really embarrassed ooky or something else ooky?"
"Both." I glance at Spike, then at the creature that's handcuffed. "That - That wasn't really Spike. What is that thing?"
"Meet Mr. Varas demon. Not only are they shape - shifters, they can totally assume the personality of anything that they fully drain." she answers. "They basically *become* it. That's why you thought it was Spike. They captured him two days ago."
"Bastards ambushed me while I was checking out their hiding place on a lead from Willy. 5 against 1. Kept working their mojo on me so I was weakened all the time and couldn't fight back. Just managed to escape earlier tonight. Luckily, the Slayer believed it was really me."
I bite my lip. Poor Spike. I hate to think what they might have done to him. "But why would it be after me? I thought they didn't bother with humans."
Spike leans against a wall, lights a cigarette, closes his eyes halfway as he takes a drag. "Your magick, Red. Witches count as supernatural. I expect it wanted to drain you, too. Though this one seemed to be getting...creative about it."
Creative? Is he trying to make me feel better?
"It looks like we got here in time, though. It seems like you'll be okay now. You still have that cell-phone in your bag?" Buffy asks.
"Yes." I dig in my bag, and hand the phone to Buffy.
"I'm going to call Giles before our friend here wakes up. I'll be outside... um ...clearer signal out there." Buffy says in an awkward tone. It's pretty obvious what's she's doing.
And I think I'm going to join her, because between facing Buffy and facing Spike right now, the choice is clear. I grab my bag, and take a deep breath. What can I say to him? He probably *hates* me. "I'm sorry. I'm *so* sorry," I begin. "I know seeing that made you sick-"
He puts the cigarette out, and moves closer, almost stalking towards me. "Sick? Do you know how *wrong* that was?"
My eyes are down at the floor. I can't look at him."Yes. Yes, I do. Vampires and humans don't mix."
"In a nutshell." He grabs my arms, not roughly, but forcing me to meet his eyes. "You and me - it isn't going to happen. I can't do it, Willow. Understand?"
I nod. "I understand. I - I never thought that anything would happen. It was just sort of a - a crush. A very bad crush that's now over with - and can I go now?" I need to leave before I start crying.
"Go, then," he says softly.
I go, and I wait outside for Giles to arrive while Buffy collects the Varas demon.
Just an stupid crush.
END