Pairing- W/S/A
Rating- No idea yet
Summary- Willow goes away to get some help.
Disclaimer- Joss owns everything except me… but I'm open for suggestions.
Distribution- Breathe, Bite me Please, NHA, Redssoulmates, Fangs and Red Witch, Eternal…Literally, Rapture, Any one else just ask.
Warning- In my story Buffy is a bitch. I started to dislike her more and more from season 5 and this is the eventual culmination of that. If you like Buffy you may not want to read and so any feedback about how my Buffy character is OTT will be relegated to the Spuffy bin. Its my story and I'll hate her if I want.
Dedicated to Gabrielle Leider who inspired my first W/S/A even though i think Angel is a pansy
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~Part: 1~
She sat on the floor of her bathroom shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. It was worse tonight, everything just hurt so badly inside of her. She felt like she was being torn apart by the feeling raging through her. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to be sick or just pass out. Everything was spinning and the yearning was so intense it was like a living breathing entity trying desperately to get her to succumb, tempting her with its whispers in her head and in her soul pushing at her to give in, to stop resisting because it was inevitable.
Willow felt like giving in to the screaming in her veins, it would be so easy to just surrender, it would be so damn easy and she could rest, the screaming would stop and she could sleep, but that would mean defeat and if there was one thing that could not happen it was the demise of her wavering self control, her fragile grip on life. So fight it she would, no matter the craving, no matter the pain and longing and shattering and heaving and dammit...it hurt so bad. Looking down she saw her hands had been so tightly squeezed as she fought with herself that her nails had bitten into her palms and little rivulets of blood ran from her hands down to trickle on the floor. She laughed mockingly as she saw it and then bit back tears. She didn't deserve to have the comfort of tears; she was paying for her arrogance.
Suddenly she no longer wanted to be alone, she knew that Buffy had said to speak to her anytime she needed a friend. She could trust Buffy, she had never kept things from her in the past, except for that whole heaven thing but she had promised no more secrets. Willow had to go to her.
She pushed herself up from the wall and clutched the hand rail as the room started to spin.
Buffy was on patrol, so she needed to go out and find her. Without hunting for a jacket, Willow lurched down the stairs and walked out into the night searching for her friend, the one who would help her.
~~~*~~~
The cemetery was dark and the night creatures peered in wonder at the small figure staggering along in the darkness, unafraid of anything except her own failings and urges. They knew better than to take a bite out of something that held that much power and pain. They kept their distance as she searched each of the graveyards.
She was feeling dizzy and tired, but the cool wind was helping her to focus on her mission, as long as she had a goal she would be okay, it would be okay as long as she didn't fixate on the way her will was being bent and her insides grated away by her desire to concede defeat.
Willow tripped over a grave and sank to the floor, "Buffy?" she whispered desperately. As she laid her head on the cold headstone she realised that Spike would know how to find Buffy. They often went on patrol with each other and he had that whole preternatural scent thing, he could find her. With a new goal in mind, she clawed her way to her feet and stumbled on towards Spike's crypt.
The crypt was up ahead and black against the night, but for Willow it held comfort, the possibility that Spike would help her find Buffy who would help her ride out this feeling, help her come back to life and ease her fears.
She reached the door and leaned against it in relief. Almost there. She pushed against the door with what strength she had left, which wasn't much, her walk on top of her withdrawal having sapped her energy to a scary degree for someone used to feeling vitalised. The door edged open and Willow shuffled forward ready to enter when she heard a raw scraping sound. She looked up and her eyes froze on the scene.
It was something out of a nightmare. Spike was pale and gleaming, cold, naked in the dusty depths of the crypt and had Buffy pushed up against a wall, her skirt around her waist, blouse torn and her head thrown back, the oddest mixture of pleasure and disgust on her face. She was clutching his arms with fingernails that were so tight he bled, drops falling down his arm.
Willow looked at her own fist covered in the crimson blood matching his forearms.
They were bleeding. Him and her both, bleeding from Buffy, bleeding for Buffy. Both for different reasons. Buffy had lied, she had secrets.
Willow let the door close and she walked away, hurting more than she had thought she could.
~~~*~~~
Buffy has been sleeping…having sex…doing whatever with Spike and she had lied to Willow. No more secrets, what was it with them, did everyone know and she just didn't trust Willow? No if Xander knew then he wouldn't have been able to keep it a secret, he hated Spike that much. Why would Buffy lie? They may not like each other's choice in love but they respected their right to choose who made them miserable, Oz, Angel, Cordelia, Anya, Parker, Riley, Tara.
More than anything right now Willow wished Giles was here. She needed him, she needed someone. She pressed her hand to her head as she fought the urge to scream at the world who insisted on hurting her more.
Then, like the eye of the storm, a strange calm came over her. Sunnydale didn't want her around anymore and she wanted to be here even less than that. Buffy didn't trust her, Xander hadn't seen her and Dawn hated her, Giles left her and so had Tara. It was time to go away. Somewhere maybe where she couldn't feel the magic pulsating beneath her fingers and feet, begging her to use it, abuse it.
She sat on the bed reaching for her stationary to write a goodbye note, she wouldn't just leave like that, she wasn't Buffy. Having written a few words she threw a few clothes into a case dragged out from under the bed and grabbed her personal items from her desk draw, money, passport, car keys, savings books and purse. Her parents had bought her a car last year for graduating, not realising that she had graduated the year before but it didn't matter as she had never had reason to use the vehicle before now.
Willow took one last look around the room she had lived with Tara in for the last few years and quietly shut the door on her past, leaving the house as quietly as she could.
Having walked nearly all over Sunnydale Willow was physically exhausted by the time she got to her parents house but knew that if she stopped tonight, by the morning she would have changed her mind about leaving, coming up with some ridiculous reason about duty and friendship. Rubbish.
So she got in her car and threw her bag on the backseat, she rested her hands on the steering wheel, shaking from all the effort she had expended tonight and kicked it in drive.
The road was long and winding, the trees flew past in the darkness telling her that she was actually going somewhere, she was leaving. The "You are now leaving Sunnydale" sign had never looked so sweet.
~Part: 2~
Spike leaned against the crypt and watched as Buffy pulled her clothes back together. He braced himself for the ritual "You are disgusting and this will never happen again" speech. Oddly enough that didn't matter so much to him anymore. Buffy wasn't the woman he had fallen in love with, if he had ever been in love with her in the first place. She was cold and heartless, he'd seen that first hand in the way she treated the witch after she had collapsed, ok so she had hurt Dawn but she had been in some serious pain herself and all Buffy could do was yell at her and make her feel worse. Spike had felt a strange sort of kinship with the redhead at that moment. He knew how it felt to have the one you loved leave you for no other reason that you were a bit different to how you had been before. He knew how love could pull you under its spell and drown you and, after all hadn't she been there during his spectacular drinking binge after Dru? Watching her lying on the floor sobbing those raw sounds of pain mirroring those he himself had done on her shoulder. He had wanted to return the favour for her. It was odd feelings for him, the feeling of wanting to comfort someone instead of destroy them. Maybe because the girl had always been the best of the bunch, she had never treated him like dirt or a creature that wasn't worth noticing. Whatever it was there was this part of him that had wanted to go to the girl and make her see that what she was doing was dangerous, maybe talk to her- sympathise and maybe stop her before she got on the selfsame destructive path that made him this loser he had turned into but he had never gotten around to it. Too busy being the Slayer's sex toy he thought disgustedly at himself.
"I can't believe I did this again, I feel-" she swallowed "Never again."
"Alright then if you insist, shut the door on your way out." Spike said as he made his way over to the bed. He turned to see the look on Buffy's face and was rewarded by her open mouth and stunned eyes.
"I mean it." She glared at him.
"Ok." Spike nodded and sat on his tomb- bed "Night then." He nodded to the door.
Buffy seemed too shocked to reply to that and left. Spike let a huge smile grace his features as the feeling of satisfaction swamped him. She was gone and he had been the one to end it. It was therapeutic in a way, ok she had been a great shag but afterwards he had always felt bad, like she wasn't the only one who was empty. Well no more, this loves bitch was holding out for the real thing now, accept no Slutty substitute.
~~~*~~~
Buffy made her way home, her mind whirling at the latest development, did Spike mean what he'd said or was he just gloating because he knew she'd be back? Would she, could she go back?
She sighed in revulsion at herself, since she had gotten back…no been torn from heaven she had felt distanced from everyone and everything. Spike had helped her feel something and that was welcome but at what cost to herself and her own self esteem, after all he wasn't really a person, he didn't have a soul. He was just a thing, a thing that she was supposed to destroy and slay, not sleep with.
Buffy shut the door behind her, was he serious? Would he refuse to have sex with her and leave her like this?
She paused outside Willow's room considering going in and asking Willow to look at the spell that bought her back to see if something was wrong but then she remembered with disgust that Willow was a magic junkie, she'd probably be in there crying and whimpering because she couldn't use magic, Buffy couldn't handle pretending to be interested right now, if ever. So she bypassed the room and walked into the bathroom to shower the smell of dusty crypt away from her.
~~~*~~~
Angel smiled down at his son as he lay sleeping in his cot. He was perfect and Angel couldn't believe how lucky he was to be able to have a child. A living, breathing child with no horns and a distinct lack of two heads. It was a mini miracle. Angel found himself grinning inanely at the sleeping infant, Connor was adorable, so amazing his own mother had sacrificed herself for him. He thought of Darla toned Angel's smile down, he would never have believed it unless he had seen it himself; his arrogant, selfish Sire staked herself for a human. He could see Darla in Connor sometimes and that made him happy. Contrary to what everyone assumed he had loved Darla, she had been his Sire. The one who taught him all he needed to know about eternal life and living through history. He had staked her once because of Buffy; well actually it had been a mistake. He meant to hit her just left of the heart so she knew he was serious and would leave them alone. Unfortunately Darla had always told him that he couldn't aim for shit and she had been proved right, dead right as it turned out.
Angel had been in agony and anguish for days, his beloved Sire killed by his own hand. It had hurt in a way that no mortal could ever comprehend. And yet they all breezed over it like it meant nothing more than staking a fledgling.
Angel knew about loss and love no matter what his annoying childe Spike had claimed. Angel had loved three women in his life, one he'd killed, one had sent him to hell and the third was currently on a cruise with a muscle bound Dumbass from another dimension. Cordelia had no idea that Angel had been falling in love with her and had just been about to confess and try to make a relationship work when Grooselug had appeared but it still stung that she dropped everything and left with the intellectually challenged oaf.
Angel walked away from his son and closed the door quietly; he didn't want to wake him up having only just gotten him to sleep.
He walked down the hallway and listened to the sounds, Fred was singing quietly to herself in the lobby and Wesley was sitting in his office looking up prophecies. Gunn was out with his crew and Lorne was back supervising the opening of Caritas. Angel found himself quite content, a feeling that had evaded him for hundreds of years whilst his soul was in torment, both in this reality and in hell dimensions. It was…nice.
Maybe he'd go for a walk and take out some of this nice feeling out on the local vampire population.
~~~*~~~
Willow stood in front of the Hyperion hotel and stared at the darkened windows and lamp lit lobby. It looked welcoming and comforting through the garden-like courtyard, a safe haven. A position where Willow had no place. She had no idea what had driven her to come here, or even how she'd gotten here it was the last- the second to last place in the world she should come.
Angel was the love of Buffy's life, if she wanted to escape from the shadow of Buffy then this was hardly the ideal situation. If only she wasn't so damn tired, her limbs aching with the effort that it took her to remain upright, she had left her bag in the car, unable to pick it up with hands that shook so badly she kept slipping on the steering wheel. It was a miracle she was here without having crashed.
If she went in now, Angel and the others would want to know what was wrong with her, they'd call Sunnydale and Buffy and she'd be right back where she started only this time they'd watch her to make sure she didn't leave. Besides it might be nice to have someone somewhere who didn't think of her in abhorrence. No, this wasn't the right choice she should leave, if she could just make it to the car without collapsing; she could sleep for a few hours before having to move on. She turned and slowly tried to walk back to the car, her vision swimming as she moved silently, her breath coming in fast pants. She staggered and fell against a briar covered trellis and felt the sharp thorns pierce her skin, the pain filled her senses and made her gasp loudly as her nerves caught fire.
It's the withdrawal, a rational part of her mind told her, it makes everything so much worse, you are not dying from thorn pricks, you are not being ripped apart. But the screaming in her head drowned out the rational part until all she could feel was the pain.
Then like a cool breeze drifting through her "Willow?"
~Part: 3~
Angel stood in the courtyard and stared in surprise at the slim figure painstakingly making its way away from the hotel, he'd recognize the long red hair anywhere.
"Willow?" he called his mind racing through all the thoughts as to why she would be here.
She turned so slowly that Angel was concerned, wondering if she was hurt but all thoughts fled when he saw her face. Her hair hung lank and straggly by her pale face, she was drenched with sweat. Her whole body was shaking and her eyes unfocussed, as she looked at him she fell and only his Vampire speed enabled him to catch her before she hit the pavement.
"WESLEY." He yelled as he swung her into his arms cradling her against his chest, even in his worried state he noticed frantically that her heartbeat was way too fast and she barely weighed anything. He raced into the lobby just as Wesley came careening out holding a two edged axe. He noted absently that at least the ex-watcher seemed prepared.
"Good Lord." Wesley exclaimed and dropped the axe on the desk.
"We need to get her upstairs." Angel commanded forgetting that Wes was actually in charge.
"Yes of course." Wesley added "Fred, we need hot water, towels and the kit."
"Okay." Fred chirped worriedly and bounded to the kitchen.
Angel placed Willow gently on his bed and stroked her hair away from her forehead.
"Willow?"
"Angel?" her voice was hoarse and scratchy, like she hadn't used it in a while.
"What's wrong? Do you need help? What can we do? How long have you been like this?" Angel asked and she cleared her throat. Angel moved his head closer to hear what she whispered
"Don't call them." she pleaded before she fell unconscious. Angel looked up stunned into the curious eyes of the ex-watcher.
"Well that's unexpected." Wes remarked dryly.
~~~*~~~
Dawn had a funny feeling that all her pancake experiments were doomed to failure. At least Willow hadn't been around to see the way this one went up in smoke…literally. Dawn hardened as she thought about the witch. Ex-witch. Whatever she had still nearly gotten her killed and Dawn wasn't ready to forgive her yet, no matter what angst she was going through. She beamed as Buffy came down the stairs.
"Morning Buff."
"Dawn." Buffy greeted and headed for the fridge and her morning juice "Willow up yet?"
"Don't know, don't care." Dawn snapped, her good mood vanishing as Buffy didn't even look at her, which was happening too recent of late.
"Aren't you late?" Buffy said ignoring her sister's attitude, it wasn't like she was Dawn's mom or anything.
"Yeah." Dawn picked up her bag and decided to wait outside for Xander; he was one of the only people that cared about her nowadays anyway.
Buffy didn't even notice her leaving.
~~~*~~~
Angel sat by Willow laying a cool cloth over her sweaty forehead. She wouldn't wake up; he'd watched over her all night and although in her dreams she'd screamed loud enough to wake the dead…in Sunnydale, there was no sign of her waking.
He knew that she didn't want him to call those in Sunnydale and to be honest he was a little more than reluctant to call them himself.
Still he was worried about Willow; she had been the only one to ever treat like a man, instead of a demon, to treat him like he mattered. For that he would always be grateful to the hacker.
"No change?" Angel hadn't even heard Wesley come in.
"None." He confirmed
"Lorne and Gunn have arrived if you want to go say hi." Wesley came over and sat by the bed watching the young girl as she tossed and turned murmuring in her sleep.
"I just want to know what's wrong with her." Angel said quietly, knowing he could confide in his best friend.
"I know, Miss Rosenberg was always kind to me even when others weren't." Wesley smiled "She's quite the gem."
"Yeah." Angel said softly "I should go speak to Lorne." He gave her head one last stroke and walked away leaving Wesley alone with the redhead.
"Oh Willow, whatever happened to you?" Wesley soothed
"Hurts." She whimpered from cracked lips, making Wes jump
"What hurts?" he whispered
"Everything, help me." She begged and her eyes fluttered open "Hurts."
"Miss Rosenberg do you know where you are?" he asked softly.
She squinted and then shook her head
"You're in L.A in the Hyperion hotel with Angel and Wesley."
"Don't call them." she urged her eyes wide with beseeching.
"We won't." he realised that he wouldn't get anything out of her tonight "You are safe here, sleep." He patted her on the arm and she gave a weak smile.
"Safe." She repeated before drifting off back to a dreamless sleep.
~~~*~~~
Buffy glared at the monitor in front of her wondering why she was even in this stupid job, she got really high SAT scores, she didn't have to work in a fast food joint for pity's sake. It was beneath her, like so many things in this pathetic existence. She was the Slayer; she shouldn't be trying to scratch out a meagre existence on minimum wage. She sighed as she tried to remember which darn button was for Milkshake and counted the seconds until she was off.
~~~*~~~
Angel stopped talking as Wesley came down the stairs.
"Wes?" he moved forward "She awake?"
"For a brief moment, I couldn't get much out of her I'm afraid, only that she was in pain and she didn't want us to call them." he admitted wryly. He ran his hand through his shoulder length hair and briefly debated getting it cut, but it seemed like far too much hassle at the moment and besides, it made him look slightly less… tweedy?
Angel frowned "Willow was always at the centre of the gang; whatever went wrong is obviously bad."
"And you ain't whistling Dixie," Lorne added. Wesley couldn't help but smile at the picture the Host made with his shiny blue suit and pink shirt clashing horribly with his green skin and yet somehow making it work.
"What?" Angel looked at him
"I could feel a magical signature a mile wide when I came in angel- cakes, either someone's been whipping up some major mojo or that girl is spilling magic like spin dryer at a wine tasting."
"Magic overdose?" Wesley's tone was revelatory.
"You've heard of it?" Angel asked him recognising the signs in Wes's voice.
"Yes. Not too frequently actually, the magic user tends to Uh destroy themselves with their addiction as well as others around them. I have heard several cases of the user going quite insane and ending their own life."
"So the girl is gonna go supernova on our asses?" Gunn spoke up for the first time "Huh, like we ain't all used to that."
Angel gaped "Willow wouldn't do that." he stated firmly.
"I wasn't suggesting that she would." Wes was slightly affronted at Angel accusatory tone.
"Sorry Wes, its just I have known Willow since she was fifteen, I don't think she's capable of hurting people, even herself."
"When Magic has a hold of you it's very difficult to regain control of yourself." Wesley bit his lip in an old mannerism "If Miss Rosenberg is addicted we may not be able to help her."
"She came here for a reason." Angel said resolutely "We help the helpless and right now Willow is helpless and I will not let her destroy herself."
Gunn nodded "Damn straight."
"Uh I agree with the stud muffin, if that Wicca is as big a queen as she feels she obviously has some purpose here,"
"Of course." Wesley agreed "I always liked Miss Rosenberg, I want to help her."
"Plus Angel said she was a hottie." Gunn added.
Angel ducked his head sheepishly as Wes raised an eyebrow.
"Well she is."
~~~*~~~
Spike paced around the cemetery waiting for the fledgling to arise, the darn thing was late. He scuffed at the new earth under his feet and took another drag at his cigarette. It had been a good day since he had seen Buffy. She'd left the crypt and he'd told her that it being over was just fine with him, and surprisingly it was. He'd spent the day sleeping and now was out hunting and all; he wasn't going to drop by the Magic box tonight just in case Buffy thought he was there to pick up where they left off. No, he decided he'd wait a few days before going to see the gang. It wasn't like they would miss him anyway- well maybe Nibblet, but she'd be busy taking care of the witch. Spike paused as he wondered whether he should try and go talk to her about her lady, make her wise up before she did something stupid like him, before recalling that she was a guest at Chez Slayer- and of course the best way to tell Buffy he wasn't interested was to go to her house and ask to speak to her best friend, someone he would never normally talk to. Yeah Right. The witch would be okay- she had her pals, and he had a whole town that needed to be prowled.
~~~*~~~
Buffy watched as Spike dusted the new demon and then picked up his stake with a jaunty tune and wandered off into the night. He seemed pretty perky, maybe he was waiting for her to come and tell him that she was sorry and she wanted to be with him again. She leaned hard against the wall, trying to conceal her presence, maybe she could last a few days, make him come to her then she wouldn't have to lose face. But even as she thought it she knew she couldn't last that long without feeling something. Dawn would be okay tonight since Willow hadn't left her room, she was obviously in- I mean where else would she be than moping in her room and since she wasn't out saving the world she could baby-sit Dawn.
Buffy considered following Spike but knew that she had to patrol, after all it was her duty; it was what they had bought…ripped her out of heaven for. Because they couldn't hack it.
She snarled at their selfishness and headed for the next cemetery.
~~~*~~~
Dawn closed the door behind her and slumped down on the sofa. No sign of Buffy yet and she couldn't bring herself to call for Willow's company just yet. She knew she was being a bitch about this but her arm still throbbed and every time she looked at Willow she could see her spaced out laughing at Dawn and calling her a party poop. It was bad enough that everyone treated her like a baby and then her favourite person in the whole world hurt her, it was like an idol being knocked off their pedestal and that hurt more than anything. But what eased Dawn was knowing that Willow was suffering for it, and maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow she'd try talking to Willow. Maybe they could hang out and be friends again.
~~~*~~~
Fred nodded "Oh and then we were gonna cut his head off but we waited and what d'ya know it was a human baby not a demon baby, even though some demon babies are kinda cute but we didn't want Connor to be a demon coz then we'd have to cut off his head and I am so glad we didn't, coz its hard to live life without a head. Although not impossible I mean there is this demon that doesn't have a head, a Tutinbauch or something-"
"Tetenbauchen." rasped the figure on the bed causing Fred to jump in alarm.
"Oh hey, ya'll awake." She grinned widely in a Fred way and then stopped puzzled as the girl didn't open her eyes. "Are you okay?"
"No." Willow said plainly and then her lips curved "Carry on, I was listening."
"Oh!" Fred was delighted "I know I kinda ramble a bit but Angel that was okay, he said it was kinda endearing. Not dear, he didn't call me dear. Not that I want him to, I mean he's sweet and all and he did save my life but he broods too much, although less with Connor which is what I was talking to you about."
Willow let her mind rest for the first time in weeks as she let Fred's words wash over her. They were soft and lilting with her Texan accent and they made Willow want to smile for the first time since Buffy had died. Really smile.
"- so then we were surrounded by Vampires who wanted Connor dead and Darla was all weepy and emotional which isn't vampire like at all, at least I don't think it is, I don't know many Vampires socially, unless you count Angel-"
"Which I hope you do." Came a voice form the door.
"Hi Angel!" Fred bubbled over with enthusiasm "Me and Willow was getting acquainted."
"Is she awake?" he peered over relieved.
"Hey." Willow croaked, still not opening her eyes.
"How are you feeling?" he asked as he motioned for Fred to move so he could sit on the bed next to Willow.
"Who drove the truck?" she said wryly, giving him an old Sunnydale excuse.
"Do you wanna talk?" Fred got up and moved to the other side of the room letting them have some privacy.
Willow shook her head.
"Willow," Angel was unsure how much to say about what he knew of her condition. If she didn't want them to know then by telling her he would just alienate her and for reasons he didn't even know, he needed to keep her here and keep her safe. He decided that he'd let Willow tell them in her own time.
"Do you need anything?"
She shook her head "I'll be out of your way as soon as I'm up." She said softly.
"No, please stay as long as you like Willow." Angel offered "I would like to have you here."
She didn't say anything for a long while and he wondered if shed fallen asleep.
"Don't call them." she asked again.
"I won't." He promised.
~~~*~~~
Wesley had always loved the night time, he loved just walking about in the cool air and surveying his surroundings as the shadows fell. It helped him think and tonight his thoughts were on the girl in the bed next to him, she awakened briefly earlier that day and spoke to Fred and Angel but yesterday she had spoken to him. He had been the first one she had talked to. Foolish or not he now felt a certain kinship with her.
He had ventured into the kitchen and made her some soup, he knew she hadn't eaten in almost two days, maybe more from the looks of her. She had slept through the first night she was here and the majority of the day and it was time she had some nourishment.
"Miss Rosenberg?"
She opened her eyes and saw the ex-watcher standing over her with a tray in his arms.
"I thought you might be a tad hungry." He said indicating the tray in front of him.
Using shaky arms Willow dragged herself to a sitting position.
"I guess I am kinda hungry." She leaned back against the pillow that little bit of exertion exhausting her more than she cared to admit. Her stomach growled in agreement and she blushed at her body's admission.
"I have soup, and some juice I wasn't sure what you could keep down." He said as he placed the tray on her lap.
"Well look at you all domesticated." She teased, feeling a little more human now she had gotten some sleep. Wesley smiled at her
"Its amazing what skills you need when you live alone."
"Alone?" she picked up on the word "No Mrs Wyndam Price yet?"
"No." he laughed "Not as yet."
Willow tasted the soup and found it delicious "This is great Wes thanks."
"You are welcome Miss Rosenberg."
"Willow." she insisted with a half smile.
He sat on the bed and watched her for a while "I know you told Angel that you do not wish to talk Mis- Willow, but we do just want to help you."
The thought that someone actually wanted to help her bought tears to her eyes, tears which she choked down.
"Willow."
"Sorry Wes, its just it's been a while since anyone has cared." She swiped at her face with her fists, looking for all the world like a child trying desperately to be brave.
Wes's heart went out to her. "We do care, I care. What went wrong?"
"Me." She sniffed "I bought Buffy back and it was all wrong. It all just went so…wrong."
"They were powerful magic's." he said tentatively, not sure how much to reveal.
"Yeah." her tone was wistful "I was good at it."
"Was?" he picked up on the relevant word, his anxiety level flaring at the errant thought of what could be wrong with her.
"Yeah, no more magic for Willow." Willow stared down at her almost empty plate.
"What do you mean no more Magic?" Wesley was starting to panic.
"I mean my magic got someone hurt so I promised that I wouldn't do it anymore."
"What does Mr Giles say about that?" Wesley stood up and began to pace.
"Giles is in England." Willow watched as his hands clenched and unclenched "He has been for months now. He left as soon as Buffy came back."
Wesley turned away so she couldn't see the rage in his face.
"Wesley what is it." Apparently he didn't do a very good job of hiding it.
He turned to face her and sat on the bed "Willow what you are doing now is more dangerous than you can imagine. Magic is a part of you now, as close to you as breathing. You cant just shut it out and hope that it goes away."
"But you don't understand I hurt people." Willow bit out
"I don't doubt that you did. But you cant shut it off now Willow, it's a part of you, an important part of you. Trying to stop is like trying not to breathe and it feels just as bad doesn't it?" he added softly
"I'm trying." Her breath caught and the tears shimmered in her eyes "Its hard so hard but I have to."
"No." he soothed "You don't. You can't. If you try to stop it'll just build up until you cant hold anymore and then its overflow and burst. You could kill hundreds of people with a magical backlash like that, including you. It's already starting to leak Willow. We could feel it."
"But if I do magic then I hurt people." She said desperately trying to get him to understand. Hot tears spilled down her cheeks and her breathing became ragged "No matter what I do it seems I'm gonna hurt someone, better me than them."
"No." Wesley scooted forward and took the tray off the bed, and then he took her hands in his. "You don't need to stop or go that far. You just need to control it, go back to how it was in the beginning when magic was about control- not a quick and easy fix. Master those skills that they wouldn't let you."
"What?"
"I saw how they pushed you to get better, to get more advanced so you could help them, but that amount of power needed to be controlled, tempered and regulated and they never let you take the time to respect the magic, just use it. Mr Giles should have been teaching you from day one about the dangers and the benefits and how to avoid magic dependency."
"He wan-wanted to shield me." She shuddered as the tears came faster. Wesley smiled kindly "I know, but talent like yours you cannot shield. You needed direction. And now more than ever. You need to go back to basics."
"How?"
"Start with cleansing spells, healing, and meditation. Regain control of the smaller things."
"But what if I slip and mess up and hurt someone. I can't stay here." She swung her legs off the bed "Angel has a son and if I do something I c-c-couldn't-"
Wesley stood in front of her and gently laid his arms on her shoulders. "Don't go Willow, you need someone to help you and we have a great team, which you could be a part of."
Her lip trembled "Why do you care?"
Wes smiled and urged her to sit down again "Because you are you and I saw how extraordinary you were whilst I was in Sunnydale as a Watcher… a rather poor one."
"Could you be my watcher?" her voice was soft and hardly daring to hope. Her eyes big and round, pleading for help.
"Your Watcher?" his expression was of surprise and Willow mistook that for rejection.
"S-sorry I -I'll-"
"I'd be honoured to be your Watcher Willow."
"Really?" she looked up at him as she sat on the bed and shivered.
"Yes. Tomorrow we can begin a training schedule of magic lessons and meditation. I have just one stipulation." His voice was stern.
"W-what?"
"I will not wear tweed."
It was the first true smile Willow had given in months and it felt good.
~Part: 4~
Angel was pleased to see Willow sitting up and looking well when he entered later on to check on her.
"Willow." he smiled at her and she gave an uneasy smile back
"Hey Angel. Sorry about the crash-o-rama."
"No problem." He said sincerely "How are you feeling?"
"Better thanks."
"Wesley tells me that he's been reinstated as your Watcher."
"Yeah." she looked down "If that's okay." She tucked her hair behind her ear in a familiar gesture that tugged at Angel memories.
"It's fine. He's the boss now."
"He said. Wesley the boss that's cool, they- we never really listened to him back i-in, back there. He's a pretty great guy."
"That he is." Angel thought fondly about his best friend. "Willow do you want to tell me what happened in Sunnydale."
"Not particularly." She continued to study her hands.
"It might help to get it off your chest." His eyes involuntarily looked down towards sad chest and then flickered back up before she could catch him. It was a nice chest- too nice to be burdened by stuff.
She shook her head and rocked back and forth on the bed.
Angel sighed, why wouldn't she look at him? "Do you still hate me?"
Willow's head shot up "What?"
"For the things Angelus did, do you hate me?"
"No Angel, that wasn't you that was him you are two separate people I have never blamed you for any of that. I don't hate you."
"So why don't you trust me?" he urged softly, somehow it seemed important that she trust him.
Willow sat back "I've done so many things that I am not proud of and I just wanted someone somewhere who knew the me before. Innocent Willow, not screw up Willow."
"I never thought you were that innocent, I recall Vampire Willow." He ducked his head as she blushed "And I will never believe that you are a screw up you resouled me Willow, I owe you for that."
"You don't owe me anything." And she meant it; he really didn't owe her anything. She owed. Was owing. She had hurt so many people, so much that her friends- the only people that had ever mattered had abandoned her. She must be a really horrible person that no one could stand to be around her. Her parents, her lovers- Oz and Tara and now her friends. Maybe it would be best if she just left again. At least that way they wouldn't have to pretend to understand her and she wouldn't have to sit there and listen to their hollow platitudes as if they knew what the hell she was going through, not that she thought her situation was unique or that her pain was more than others but would it kill them to acknowledge that she had a legitimate point, legitimate pain? Maybe it was her own fault for keeping it from them for so long, trying to be the big brave Wicca and keep all her insecurities and feelings inside until it ate away at her and destroyed her faith. But god, if she'd heard them tell her one more time "what did she have to be upset about?" she wouldn't have been responsible for her own actions.
Angel had no idea what the girl was thinking but he could see the despair etched in her face. This was a girl that had seen some of the worst things that humanity and demon kind had to offer and still came back smiling, something must have happened in Sunnydale really awful to affect her so badly.
"What happened Willow?"
Willow looked up at him "Can we please not talk about it right now?"
Angel made to protest before he saw the tired look in her eyes and relented "Ok sure, but we will have this conversation soon."
She nodded relieved that it wouldn't be coming out now.
"So you have a son?"
~~~*~~~
Xander sat in the Magic box waiting for Anya to finish closing up; he couldn't believe that he was so in love. He had figured that with his family and their backgrounds, the odds of him finding true love were scant. And yet there she was so beautiful and tactless. He just wished that his friends could be as happy as he was.
Buffy was still slightly off since they had bought her back from heaven and she seemed to be upset with them about it, which he could understand. He'd be pretty ticked off if they dragged him away from paradise.
Since Willow's breakdown with magic she hadn't really been around, according to Buffy she locked herself in her room most of the time and never spoke to anyone. He felt bad that his best friend hurt so bad but Anya wouldn't really let him spend so much time with her so he hadn't be able to be there for her. It was one of the perils of dating a former demon, the excessive possessiveness.
Dawn was sitting near him doing her homework and chatting away about her day, he knew that she still bore a grudge against Willow for getting her in that car crash but he could see that she was softening in the way that she asked where Willow was. Actually it probably was a good thing that Willow wasn't here since Tara had dropped by for some supplies, plus Willow wasn't really allowed in the magic box since she went all addict. Maybe he'd stop by tomorrow to see her and make sure she was okay.
~~~*~~~
Buffy stooped outside the crypt and glared at the door, when she had finally picked Dawn up from the Magic Box she got home to find that nothing had been done around the house. The breakfast things were still there and the laundry hadn't been done, the letters were still on the mat and there was no dinner cooked for them.
She had to go to work and do patrol and Willow couldn't even raise herself enough to do a little housework, she was probably all whiny and crying in her room still, it made Buffy mad rather than sympathetic, after all she did bring it upon herself and it wasn't like it was anything important like drugs, it was just magic. A few spells. Pathetic.
So she'd gotten mad and smashed a few pots together hoping to rouse Willow and then she'd done patrol, but she was still feeling edgy- which was why she was outside Spike's crypt ready to swallow her pride- or his.
From inside the crypt Spike smirked as he felt the Slayer hiding outside the front door. He knew she would come back but despite how good she was in the sack there was no way he was going to pander to her. He was done being her all purpose sex toy and punching bag. The door pushed open and he waited as she strode into the crypt.
"Well, if it ain't the Slayer." He smirked at her obvious discomfort "What do I owe the pleasure of this social visit?"
"You know why I'm here." She bit out and moved closer tugging off her jacket.
"Now then, I seem to recall you telling me that the last time was just that."
"Oh fine." She glared at him "Gloat, you know you want to. Yes I keep coming back here, whatever." She threw her coat on the floor and stood there with her eyes flashing and her cheeks red with embarrassment. Normally that sight would have set Spike on fire, her all flushed and ready to devour but now the sight was just sad. She may be pretty on the outside but on the insides she was as ugly as sin. Empty, void and cold and Spike was cold enough without having her inside him, chilling him to the bone.
"Yeah, Whatever. I'm not interested Slayer."
"What?" she looked incredulous at him as if she couldn't believe he was turning her down.
"Exactly what I said. I'm not your sex-bot anymore. Buffy." he mocked her name, feeling every inch the demon he had been missing in the past few months. "You didn't want to be linked to a disgusting demon so it's over."
Buffy rolled her eyes "So that's what this is about. Spike we are not a couple, what we do is mutual release. I don't take you home and you don't hang out with my friends, they don't like you and they would never understand this. We will never be a couple."
Spike turned his back on her unwilling to let her know how much her words actually stung him.
"Li'l bit likes me and so does Red."
Buffy clenched her jaw "Dawn is a kid and Willow is still too busy moaning about her magic to care about anyone except herself." Spike frowned, that didn't sound like the witch.
"Besides after that time you tried to kill her Willow doesn't like you." Actually she had no idea if that was true she had never spoken to Willow about Spike. But she had to discourage Spike from trying to make their affair public.
"I don't care if your sodding friends know about what we did. Did, Buffy its over I won't be your little punching bag anymore."
Buffy bit her inside cheek as she thought and then with a predatory smirk she sauntered over to him and gave him a come hither look. "Really? Spike." she whispered as she ran her hand over his ass. "You really want to give this up, my hot tight body."
He turned and she thought she saw desire flash in his eyes and as he bent his head, she grinned in triumph.
Spike leaned down to her ear and whispered "Not so tight anymore." He picked up her jacket and threw it at her revelling in the shocked look in her face. "Go home Slayer and take care of your friends."
Insulted and hurt and more than a little surprised that Spike was putting an end to their tryst she turned on her heel and left, leaving the door wide open.
Spike couldn't help the satisfied grin that spread across his face as he closed the crypt door. He had finally told her and it served her bleeding well right.
Maybe he'd stop by tomorrow night at the Magic Box just to rub her nose in it. His smile faded as he thought about what she'd said about Willow not liking him. He was sure that she did. Oh well now he wasn't blinded by Buffy he had all the time in the world to make the little witch his friend, which is what he should have been doing all along. Wouldn't that just grate on the self righteous Slayer if little Red preferred his company to hers?
It was odd that after loving her so hopelessly for so long and feeling a thrill every time he saw her, he now hated the sight of her obnoxious, self involved blonde body. The Slayer had tried to strip his self esteem, and now it was Spike's turn to take something from her. Her friends. After all there was more than one way to destroy a Slayer.
~~~*~~~
Fred smiled as Willow made her way slowly down the stairs of the lobby.
"Hi Willow!" she burst out exuberantly
"Hey Fred." Willow smiled at the girl while holding onto the rail.
She had spent three nights and two whole days in bed and was more than ready to get up and face the day. She had taken a shower and felt more human than she had in months.
"You look better." Fred was delighted to see Willow; sometimes it was hard to be the only girl around here, especially since Cordelia had never really seemed to like her anyway.
"I feel so much better." Her stomach rumbled and she blushed "If a little hungry."
"Oh I can fix you some eggs, they won't be as good as Angel's. He does really good eggs but they are ok."
"Angel cooks?"
"A guy has to have a hobby." Angel said as he came into the lobby feeding Connor. "Morning Willow."
"Angel." She peered over the cradle of blankets at the small infant held so gently in the master Vampire's arms.
Angel strolled forward "Willow meet Connor. Connor this is Willow, you've heard me talk about her."
Willow stepped back slightly as he bought Connor close and smiled "He's cute."
"He takes after Angel!" Fred volunteered with a beaming grin and then a blush as she realised what she'd said.
Willow and Angel shared a grin at her behaviour.
"You wanna hold him?"
Willow shook her head so fast she felt dizzy "No I don't want to risk… dropping him." Or accidentally killing him with her leaking magic, whatever worked. There was no way she could live if she killed Angel's only son- not that Angel would let her.
Angel frowned as she refused to hold his son; despite the fact that she couldn't tear her eyes away from the bundle.
"I was going to make Willow breakfast." Fred continued.
"I'll do it, why don't you take Connor for a while and I'll feed Willow up." Angel passed the child over and Fred cooed at the kid until she realised something.
"Angel you always get out of diaper changing."
Angel grinned sheepishly and motioned for Willow to follow him down to the kitchen.
"The Scourge of Europe does not do diapers." He informed Willow as he took bread and eggs out of the fridge. He made her sit in one of the chairs as he threw ingredients together.
"It's hard to imagine the Scourge of Europe singing Twinkle twinkle little star and yet-"
Angel would have blushed if he could "You heard that?"
Willow nodded, her eyes dancing with mirth "It sent me to sleep last night."
Angel turned the flame down and watched her as she regained some of her old light and humour. She really was beautiful when she smiled and when her eyes lit up like that, not artificial beauty that needed make up and the right lighting, but a natural beauty that was just there. He was so happy to have her here.
"So what have you got planned for today?" he asked, honestly curious.
"Wesley is going to go over a training schedule with me. I think we're starting with meditation and cleansing rituals." She felt so content for the first time in ages. Just sitting here, talking to someone who genuinely cared about her and didn't just want her for her magic skills or hacking. "Then I guess I need to find a job and maybe an apartment."
"Why?" Angel was taken aback "Aren't you happy here?"
"Yeah, but this is your home I couldn't intrude like that."
"Willow we want you here, its not intruding." He urged as he slipped her breakfast onto a plate and stuck it in front of her. "Besides we could use your skills."
Willow half froze, she should have expected that. They wanted to use her. Her heart sank and she lost some of her appetite as she stared down at her full plate. "Oh." she said softly.
"Yeah, unfortunately none of us is able to understand everything Fred says and so we really could do with a translator. You've been translating Xander for years."
Willow looked up in astonishment as Angel joked.
"What?" he lost some of his grin when he saw the expression on her face.
"I thought you were just going to use me." She admitted, wondering for the first time if living with the Scooby's had made her paranoid.
"Is that what they did?" he asked gently and Willow couldn't help but nod.
"At first I never really noticed, it was always something I enjoyed- school work and computers and then when the Vampire version of me came, she sort of pointed a few things out. They used me as homework gal and revision and research and my hacking skills and then they started using me for my witchy powers. Then when Tara came along her magic was more controlled and they stared using hers even though I was more powerful. They always thought of me as little Willow Rosenberg who screwed spells up."
Angel nodded understandingly "They didn't want you to grow up." Willow shrugged "I guess it just got so hard to pretend to still be happy Willow."
"And now?"
"I want to be happy."
"Then stay here. I won't deny that your witch skills and your research wouldn't come in handy, but that's not why we care. We want you. Willow. Happy Willow. Full Willow." he pushed her plate closer to her. "Eat."
Willow graced him with one of her sunshine smiles as she tucked into the food.
There was so much she hadn't said but there was so much that she didn't need to. To Angel it was obvious that she had chosen to do magic as a rebellion. It was useful but it was something that she had chosen to have control over and she could use at her leisure. When they started to turn to whoever this Tara was she had tried to make her self more and more powerful to make them see that she was what they needed. It was a play for attention, only it had nearly destroyed her.
Angel wasn't lying when he said that he wanted her here. He had always liked Willow and she had returned his soul to him so no matter what she said he did feel like he owed her. That wasn't why he wanted her around; it was nice to have someone from the old gang, someone that he could stand to be near. They finished breakfast in companionable silence.
Wesley watched from the doorway as Willow finished her plate and tipped it into the sink; she turned around to see him standing there.
"Morning Wes."
Willow." he motioned to the training room and she followed him. "How are you feeling?"
"Better, a little shaky but okay."
"Good." He pulled off his jacket and stretched "First we'll start with a basic meditation and cleansing spell."
Willow sat cross legged on the floor and breathed in deeply. Wesley picked up a box of magic supplies he had gone out early to find.
"We start from basic. First things first. What do we do when we start a meditation or cleansing?"
"Empty the mind?" she said cautiously.
"Not quite. First of all, we need to draw a protective circle. I know that you are way beyond that for such simple spells but we are starting from scratch." He held up a hand to silence her protest "it should be like you are a beginner."
Willow nodded and took the sand, pouring it in a circle around herself, the familiar action making her tingle in excitement, that feeling having faded a long time ago.
"Light the candles and then calm your mind."
~~~*~~~
Fred had changed Connor and sat researching the latest demon while rocking him with her foot. She looked up as the front door opened and Gunn strutted in.
"Hey there Fred." He said with that huge grin on his face that made her insides flutter.
"Hi." She said shyly at the handsome man, he really was so sweet to her.
"Where is everyone?"
"Uh Wesley is training with Willow and Angel's gone to watch I think." She ducked her head as he stared at her
"So it's just you and me here then?" his grin grew and Fred felt herself blush.
~~~*~~~
Willow cleaned up after herself, wiping up the last vestiges of sand as Wesley continued to talk to her.
"So don't forget to do at least half an hour of meditation as soon as you get up and before you go to bed, concentrate on reigning in the power and mastering it."
"Okay." she grinned, he was so professional it was scary.
He caught himself and her grin "Sorry was that a bit too much."
"Nah." She comforted "You're doing well." They shared a smile at the role reversal and walked upstairs together to see the others.
Willow had seen Fred and of course she knew Angel but the other two were strangers.
"Well hello sweet-cheeks; Angel-cakes wasn't lying when he said you were a doll. Look at you all cute and what a bundle of energy. I swear when I left here that night I was all a tingling from the power you gave off."
"You did?" Willow's expression was one of odd unease at being hugged by a big green demon, with horns, that seemingly dressed in the dark.
"This is Lorne." Angel offered helpfully.
"Oh." Willow was still clueless.
"He owns Caritas, a club downtown for demons, it's a peaceful place."
Willow only knew of places like Willy's which catered to demons and so she was understandably sceptical.
"Well it is fantabulous to meet you, you have to stop by the club and sing for me."
"It's a karaoke club." Wesley added with a grin at Willow's horrified expression.
"Karaoke?"
"You have to see it ta believe it." The other guy stood up and held out his hand "I'm Gunn."
"Willow." She shook his hand and attempted to smile.
"I hear Wes is going all Obi Wan with ya." Gunn grinned, his teeth a startling white against his dark skin.
"Yeah." she smiled uncertainly at him, he looked sweet but she didn't know him and was therefore a little apprehensive.
She turned to the only other female in the room "Fred, I need to go shopping for some Magic supplies and I guess some clothes too. Do you wanna come with?"
Fred clapped her hands and bounced on her feet "Really?" Cordelia had never wanted to go shopping with her, thinking her too mousy to enjoy it, besides it wasn't like Fred could ever keep up with her. She hadn't really had a girlfriend since way before she went to Pylea and she had missed it.
"Sure, if you want."
Fred nodded, giddily. "I'll get my coat."
Angel laughed at Fred's enthusiasm "Here Willow." he handed her his Gold card
"What's this for?"
"Well consider this a welcome to the team present. Charge all your clothes and supplies to us."
"You don't have to do that." Willow protested.
"I insist, and you can get Fred some new stuff too." Angel turned as if that was the end of the conversation "Oh," He turned back to her "The limits $6,000. Try not to go over it."
Willow gaped "$6,000?"
Angel shrugged "I invested."
"You stole." Wesley said with a mischievous grin on his face.
"Tom-ay-to, tom-ah-to."
~~~*~~~
Spike waltzed into the Magic Box like he owned it and stared belligerently around.
Dawn looked up at him from her homework and beamed "Hey Spike."
"Nibblet." After he greeted her she ducked her head back to her book and furiously scribbled in red pen.
The Moron and his demon girl were sitting together on the couch flipping through books and chatting about wedding plans. Anya occasionally consulted some Wedding magazine as she explained what she wanted. They almost totally ignored Spike's entrance. The only sign that they even noticed him was a slight tensing of the shoulders and look of dismay on their faces. Spike didn't care; there was only two people's opinion that mattered to him.
Buffy came in from the training room and glared at Spike.
"What are you doing here?" the anger was clear in her voice.
Spike smirked at her "Why? D'ja miss me?" he winked at her disgusted face.
Oh how he enjoyed pissing her off.
"Like a hole in the head." she remarked sarcastically and turned to her sister.
"Dawn have you finished your homework yet?"
"No." Dawn retorted without looking up "Who the hell needs to know maths anyway?"
"I always said that!" Xander pointed out and then put his head on the side considering "But then I said that about science, history and the English Language too."
"You know the English Language?" Spike asked incredulously.
Xander pointed at him and then paused as he tried to think of a suitable comeback, but Spike moved on.
"So where's the Witch?"
Dawn looked up "I don't know, I left a message for her on the fridge asking her to come over." She glanced at her watch "She should have been here hours ago."
Buffy snorted and flicked her hair "She probably hasn't come out the room yet."
Spike frowned "When was the last time you saw her?"
Xander suddenly appeared to think deeply, although it could have been gas "I haven't seen her for at least a week."
"A week?" Spike couldn't believe it.
"Chill out, I saw Willow," Buffy paused "Monday morning."
"Monday?" Spike spat out "That was four days ago. Are you telling me you haven't seen your best friend in four days?"
"She shut herself in her room; she only comes out when we're not in." Dawn began to re-evaluate herself. She had been such a bitch to Willow.
"How do you know that?" Spike demanded "When was the last time you stuck your head in the room to make sure she was ok? If she was eating?"
Buffy shrugged figuring that Willow was a big girl and could take care of herself "I guess Monday."
"So she could be in pain nearly dying on her bedroom floor unable to call for help and no one has seen her since Monday?" it seemed that Spike's presumption that Willow would be fine since she had her friends was erroneous.
"Drama Queen much?" Buffy rolled her eyes.
"She wouldn't be…would she?" was Dawn's panicky reply.
"Like you'd care anyway." Spike growled, feeling annoyed at the way everyone, including himself, had been treating the redhead.
"Hey!" Dawn called, hurt. Spike was one of her favourite people and the thought that he was mad at her wasn't a nice one.
"Well enough of the supposition lets go find her." Xander said standing up and grabbing his jacket.
Anya went to follow and then pouted "I can't I have to close the till and do the books."
"Well you stay here with Dawn; she has her homework to do." Xander turned expectantly to Buffy who folded her arms.
"No." she stated "I won't pander to her, it's her own fault she's like this."
"Bollocks." Spike summed up succinctly "You kept pushing her to use the magic's, it's your fault too Princess."
Buffy's jaw clenched "Whatever."
Xander was surprised at Buffy's attitude but didn't say anything as he left, following Spike out of the shop.
~~~*~~~
Spike had a bad sense of foreboding as he pushed open the door to Willow's room.
"It's cold."
Xander raised an eyebrow "It's California."
"Not the weather," Spike rolled his eyes,"Vampires can tell if someone has been here within the last few hours. No one has, here."
"Maybe she stepped out?" Xander suggested as he walked into the room and took in the made bed.
"Far out." Spike swallowed as he pointed to the open drawers and closet which was empty. The dresser was devoid of her laptop and toiletries.
"What?" Xander's voice got higher "She's gone."
"Has been for a while." Spike wiped his finger across the top of the dresser coming away with a fine sheen of dust.
Xander spied a piece of paper taped to the mirror and grabbed at it.
Dear Scoobies (he read)
I'm so sorry to have screwed up so badly and hurt you all so much that you can't even look at me- let alone trust me. So I've taken away the problem.
Be Happy.
Willow.
"That's it?" Xander turned the paper over looking for any hidden words "That's it?"
Spike glanced up from his own perusal of the paper at Xander's tone. "20 years of friendship and that's all I get? Not even a private word, just a generic see ya?"
To his horror and shame Xander felt hot tears spill down his cheeks. "Willow is…" he clenched the paper in his fist and looked away. "What the hell did I do?"
"You abandoned her when she needed you." Spike was surprised to see Xander cry in front of him, he knew how much the kid hated him and so for him to show that amount of weakness in front of him, it must be bad.
"I KNOW!" Xander screamed at the Vampire and fell to the bed sobbing "I know okay Spike."
Feeling and uncharacteristic burst of empathy towards the sobbing youth Spike sat down on the bed.
He waited while Xander cursed and cried for a while, as Xander began to calm down he started to talk again.
"God Spike, she was my…my…everything." Xander gestured widely "My best friend, my sister, my mom, my other half, my soulmate. How could I let it get like this? I promised to take care of her. I did."
"I know." Spike stated simply and glanced around "She's been gone a few days, maybe more."
"Oh God." Xander held his stomach like he was about to throw up "How could they not know? She lives here!"
"Yeah well In case you haven't noticed your beloved Buffy is a little different since you bought her back."
"I guess, but she's still Buffy, surely she would have noticed if Willow was missing?"
Spike refrained from pointing out that even now Buffy knew she didn't seem to care a great deal. He could tell that Xander was thinking about these things.
"Did she come back wrong?"
"Don't know mate. Maybe, nothing we can do about it now." Spike was suddenly desperate for a cigarette.
"We need to find Willow."
"What if she doesn't want to be found?" Xander's face showed his horror "We let her down so badly, all of us. What if she doesn't want to be found? What if she's gone forever Spike?"
Spike clenched his jaw, not wanting to think of how badly he had screwed up. If only he hadn't been so damn infatuated with the Slayer then maybe he'd have seen how badly Red was doing and been there to help her out.
She would have done it for any of them, even him.
"Maybe she'll call." Xander said desperately and Spike didn't have the heart to tell him that he doubted that.
~Part: 5~
Dawn pushed open the door to Willow's room and saw Xander sitting on the bed with Spike.
"W-where is she?" she said, her eyes wide.
Without Speaking Xander handed her the note. Buffy came up behind her as she read it.
"No," Dawn looked up "No this is not real, she wouldn't just go."
"Go?" Buffy snatched the paper from her and scanned it, flipping it over like Xander had done. "That's it?"
Xander nodded the picture of misery. "That's it."
"B-but she can't go, she's a Scooby." Buffy's mouth hung open as if she really couldn't believe it.
Spike snorted and Buffy turned to him angrily "What?"
"You've been turning everyone away; no wonder the chit was tired of the cold shoulder and left."
"You know nothing." Buffy glared at him in hatred.
Dawn let loose a great sob and turned into Buffy's shoulder, crying her heart out.
"Why is she gone, Buffy. Get her back."
"We'll find her." Buffy promised her sister. Not really sure what to do to keep that promise. She knew that she had pushed them all away and it had ended with Willow leaving. She didn't know what she was doing.
Buffy ran her fingers through Dawn's hair, lost in thought.
~~~*~~~
Willow leaned against the door and watched Angel rock Connor in his arms.
"Hey Willow." he said without looking up.
A ghost of a smile graced her lips "I should know by now that it's almost impossible to sneak up on a Vampire."
"Yeah you should." He looked up and smiled. She had taken to wearing the new clothes that she had bought weeks ago on her first shopping trip with Fred. They were so unlike the fuzzy clothes he was used to her wearing; sometimes it was a shock to see her. Today she was in tight black jeans, flared at the ankle and a white men's shirt which was tied in a knot under her breasts, showing off a great deal of firm stomach. Her hair was tousled and curly. The whole picture was of a virgin just climbing out of someone's bed. It made Angel's mouth go dry.
"You finished magic lessons for today?"
"Yes." Willow stood on tip toe to peer into the bundle; she still refused to hold the baby, deathly afraid that she would leak magic that would hurt him. Angel angled his arms so she could see his son's open eyes.
"He looks just like you." She said with a quiet voice of wonder.
"Willow you can hold him, Wesley says you have regained amazing amounts of control and Lorne said he could hardly feel you in the hotel. You're not leaking anymore." Angel knew her reasons why she wouldn't hold the child and was touched that she cared for his son so much that she wanted to protect him form everything-even herself.
"Leaking?" she gave a little laugh "Like a broken super tanker or a cracked glass." The laugh faded as she realised how accurate the statement was.
"Not broken." Angel corrected as he walked closer to her. "Not anymore."
"You fixed me?" her tone was playful but sad
"Damn straight." Angel played along "Now are you gonna hold my kid?" Willow swallowed and held her hands out and Angel gently placed Connor in her cradled arms.
She stared down at the child who looked up at her with wonder in his big brown eyes. His baby face wrinkled in confusion and then his eyes opened wide as if discovering who she was and a small smile graced his features.
Willow giggled "Hey Connor."
He gurgled his greeting.
"He likes you." Angel said watching her face light up.
"He does?" her tone was pleased and Angel tried not to think about how right it seemed that Willow held his son. He hadn't even thought about Cordelia for weeks, not really since Willow had fainted in his arms the first night. Any love he had thought he felt had drifted when he realised that she hadn't called once while on this holiday with Groo. She obviously didn't care about him the way he had her. She didn't miss him or his son, couldn't have if she hadn't even sent a postcard.
Maybe Cordelia Chase hadn't changed that much, she was still, at least in part, the pampered Princess that she always had been. She was so like Buffy in some ways and maybe that was why he had so stalwartly clung to her. She was familiar.
Beautiful and strong and obviously totally self involved.
Willow wasn't like that. She never looked down on anyone no matter what she thought. She had never rolled her eyes at Fred's sometimes over-exuberant tirades like Cordy had. Willow tried to follow along and encourage Fred, she took her shopping and they went out to watch movies and sat in for girl nights. In the past few weeks Angel had seen Fred flourish under the girl's friendship. And she wasn't the only one.
Since he had started working for and then heading Angel Investigations Wesley had finally developed the confidence that he had always lacked but he had still hated the fact that he felt he was a flop at being a Watcher. When Willow had asked him to be her watcher he had felt sure that he would fail and yet Willow was advancing in leaps and bounds and she attributed it to Wesley, letting him grow and expand. He was so much happier knowing that it was the circumstances in Sunnydale that had led to his dismissal not his aptitude for the position.
Willow had asked Gunn for fighting lessons since she knew he could take care of himself, she had accepted the kid with her typical open heart and made him finally feel a useful member of the group instead of just hired muscle.
And Lorne loved her. She had gone to Caritas and they had talked and now were firm friends, Willow helped out behind the bar and did some waitressing when Lorne's staff were overwhelmed, she even did a few spells for the club, under Wesley's watchful eyes, that guaranteed no violence from the human quarter either.
Willow was like glue, she pulled people together and exposed their strengths and made them work for the good of them all.
With the staff at Angel investigations so happy, Angel found peace. He knew that Willow had been so afraid of what he thought of her when she first arrived but since they both lived in the same place, a few sleepless nights had led them to have midnight heart to hearts and they had gotten over all that.
Angel now counted Willow as part of his family and one of his best friends. One of only two people he felt confident enough in to confide in and one whose opinion counted.
Now she had Connor who looked just as intrigued with her as Angel was becoming.
"I'm gonna sneeze." Willow said "You best take him."
Angel picked up his son, letting the back of his hands rub across Willows and snuggled him close.
"Plus he needs changing." Willow grinned at Angel's grimace.
"Thanks Willow." he moaned and headed downstairs with her following. He placed Connor on the desk top and retrieved the diaper changing supplies from under it.
Fred laughed "Hah, I knew you'd have to do it sooner or later."
Angel scowled but before he could make a comment the phone rang.
"Hi Y'all Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless."
Fred's easy smile showed in her voice, her Texan drawl obvious. "You wanna speak ta Angel; can I ask who's callin'?"
She frowned and turned to Angel "It's a Buffy."
Willow froze and glanced panicked at him, he looked back at her and she shook her head frantically.
Angel passed the supplies to Fred and picked up the phone.
"Hey Buffy." he said softly
"Angel." Buffy's voice was just as soft and yet she sounded so different.
"How are you?" he asked politely
"Not so good." She breathed "We're missing a Willow."
"What?"
He heard her drawn out sigh "Willow, red hair good with computers. She's gone."
He looked up to see Willow disappearing up the stairs.
"W-when?" he moved so he could see the last flash of red as she rounded the corner and was out of sight.
"A few weeks ago, we're not really sure."
"How can you not be sure?" his tone was incredulous. He knew that whatever was wrong with Willow was bad but how could she be missing and they not know?
"Things were- are bad right now Angel. I don't have time to explain, she was," Buffy sighed again "We were hoping she'd call and say she was okay, or at least write Xander a letter but nothing for weeks and I've run out of places to look. We hurt her bad and we-I want her back Angel. Do you have any idea where she might be?" the undertone in her voice told him that he was the last place she had called.
"No." and he wouldn't, couldn't tell Buffy where Willow was until she said it was okay.
"Dammit." Buffy sounded tired "I knew it was a long shot but I was hoping."
"Why did she leave Buffy?" Angel wanted to know what had Willow hurting so badly.
"Willow started getting into the Magic, big time she was so powerful she scared Tara- her girlfriend. Tara broke up with her because of it and then she got addicted and starting going to this Warlock called Rack. She took Dawn along one time and nearly killed her. She stopped using magic after that, I guess it was too much for her, she spent most of her time in her room and then one day she was just gone."
Angel took a few breaths to calm his temper "One day?"
"I guess- none of us had seen her for a few days and when we went to check on her she was missing."
"A few days?" Angel could feel Angelus at the corner of his mind screaming at him to make Buffy hurt for hurting Willow. "So let me get this straight, you deny Willow the one thing she needs because she was getting too strong and then instead of helping her you shut her out and blame her and ignore her until you needed her for something, only to find that she left maybe days ago and no one noticed?" his voice was a dangerous purr by the time he finished his rant.
"A-angelus?" Buffy gasped
"No I'm still Angel but Buffy I can't believe you would do that especially not to Willow, I thought she was your best friend?"
"She was, I mean is…look Angel you're not here, everything is complicated. Can you just call me if you hear from her?"
"What have you done to find her?" he didn't answer her question blatantly ignoring her pleading tone.
"We called all her Wicca friends in her address book; we checked all her relatives and we even tracked down her parents. I've been through her address book twice; I called everyone she's ever met. Giles has the council watching out for her and right now I'm at a loss. It's like she just vanished."
"And just now you're calling me?" his tone bled sarcasm
"Well yeah I know you and Willow never really spoke while she was in Sunnydale but I figured you might have heard something on the demon circuit."
"Nothing." He growled and Buffy's temper snapped
"Look Angel, don't growl at me, it's not my fault you bailed on us. And growling at me isn't going to make things between you and me any easier. Right now I can't even think about us, I'm focussed on finding Willow."
Angel gaped at the arrogance of her thinking he was moody about their little angst fest, when the truth was he was hurting for Willow right now.
"If the demons do tell me anything I'll be sure and let you know but you need to know sometimes that the world doesn't revolve around Buffy Summers." He slammed the phone down, filled with pleasure as he felt it crack.
Fred stared at him wide-eyed and nervous.
"Are you okay Angel?" she asked hesitantly, gently rocking Connor.
"Yeah." he ran a frustrated hand through his hair, not even caring that he was caught up in the gel.
"Then maybe you could get rid of the grr face?" Fred gestured and Angel was surprised to find that during his conversation with Buffy he had vamped out.
He shook it out and grinned sheepishly "Sorry Fred."
"That's okay; I guess she got you mad." She paused "Is she one of the ones that died and came back?"
Angel gave a bark of laughter "Yes, Buffy is the Slayer in Sunnydale and if she calls here I don't want her to know that Willow is here okay? In fact if anyone calls and asks you don't know her."
Fred nodded uncertainly "Sure, I can do that." she bit her lip and looked up the stairs "I think you should go see her."