Allergies and Oddities

By Mandy

The moonlit cemetery was still and silent - an unusual occurrence for Sunnydale. The night-birds seemed to have taken the night off, there was no scurrying in the undergrowth and even the breeze wasn't stirring. Then the silence was shattered by the tortured shriek of rusty hinges being wrenched open and the sound of two voices.

"Come on, luv, nearly there now."

"Oh, but Mike, couldn't we just do it over there?" she indicated a convenient looking tombstone.

"Spike," he corrected "And no, I want it to be special."

"Yeah, special alright he thought! What's that all about? In the old days I'd have drained her without a thought - none of this taking her home!"

The girl shrieked and would have fallen if they hadn't had their arms round each other's waists. "Oops-a-daisy, poppet," he said with a kindness he didn't feel, "You ok, Sandy?"

"Yeah," she answered sulkily, "And it's Candy!"

"Of course! Lovely name,"

"Lovely name be stuffed," he thought, "First rule of seduction, remember it's sodding name! What's wrong with me - I'm usually really good at this! I mean, look at this one! Seemed ok in the Bronze. Went on about high-school a bit but looked pretty enough. Then the cold night air hits her and she turns into a drunk. God, I hate people who can't handle their drink!"

"What about on the grass over there?" she suggested, starting to rub his crotch hopefully. Spike's cock began to respond enthusiastically, but he removed her hand, "No, it's not far now, come on!" He firmly steered her along the cement path.

"The grass would have been really nice," he thought to himself, "Why on earth do I have this new "thing"? What's wrong with me? One hundred and twenty six years old and still playing games!"

Luckily they were soon at the crypt. Spike unlocked the padlock and grinned disarmingly at the suddenly nervous Candy. "What, never been in a crypt before?" he asked roguishly.

"Well, yeah! Me and Billy Crabousky used to do it in crypts all the time…"

"I had to ask!"

"It's just this one seems, um, lived in…"

"Sure, baby, but only by me!" Spike used his lighter to light a few candles by the bed, making the atmosphere a little more romantic. Candy walked hesitantly over to the bed. "Ugh! It's a tomb!"

"Well, yeah! This is a crypt. Thought you'd "done it" in a crypt before!"

"Er, yeah! Billy Crabousky used to bring champagne. Have you any, Mike?"

"Spike!!! And you'll have to make do with beer! In fact maybe you've had enough..."

"What are you, my Dad?"

"Nah, far too old!" Spike muttered under his breath, taking two beers from his small fridge. This girl was starting to seriously piss him off- still it would be worth it. In fact it probably already was! Candy had got naked in seconds and had arranged herself seductively on the bed. The candle-light transformed her into a beauty, softly illuminating her breasts and clothing other more intimate parts in mystery.

"Wow!" was all Spike could manage for a moment, as his instant hard-on took over control of his brain. Then, handing her the beer "Sorry, it's not very cold."

She popped the tag on the can and took a swig of the beer. "Yuk! Perhaps we can do something else with it." She poured a little into her belly-button. Still fully clothed Spike climbed onto the bed and lingeringly lapped the warm beer out of her tummy. The young girl squirmed with pleasure "Hey! You're good!" Spike looked up at her, smiling wickedly.

"Where next?" As an answer Candy poured a small rivulet of beer over her left breast, "Mmm, good choice!" he said and began to methodically lick her pert breast clean. His mouth was getting tantalizingly close to her nipple when the unthinkable happened…

Spike sneezed!

Nothing to you or I but to Spike.

There's a sort of unwritten law in fanfic writing that at some stage during sex the vamp hero starts to breathe heavily and the writer has to explain away this phenomena. You see vampires are un-dead and as such do not breathe. So it follows that they cannot sneeze, cough, hiccough or even burp. (Well I hope!)

Spike was astounded - His first new sensation in over 200 years! Not entirely unpleasant either! He had no time to analyze the experience though. Candy was screaming with terror.

"Bloody hell… Never seen anyone sneeze before, you doozy bint?!"

"Keep away, you, you monster!" she carefully edged her way out from under him and off the bed.

Realization dawned. Spike felt his forehead. His game face had come on when he sneezed. He immediately resumed his human face but it was too late.

"No! Luv! I can explain …" Pausing only to scoop up her small pile of clothes the lovely Candy fled naked into the graveyard.

"There's worse than me out there! Let me walk you home!" he tried to call after her but all that happened was, "There's wur…" an earth-shattering sneeze and an angry vampire framed in the doorway of his crypt to further terrify the fleeing girl! Some time later Spike heard that Candy had become a Carmelite nun. He was somehow both amused and disturbed!

Deeply disappointed Spike went back into his lair. "Damn!" he swept a heap of books and papers to the floor to release aggression. A cloud of dust flew up and Spike was overcome with sneezing. He doubled over, unable to see and barely keeping his balance. He staggered over to the bed. "Oh shit!" the mattress was drenched with beer. Spike shrugged, he'd slept in worse!

Spike spent the rest of the night miserably. He wanted to sleep, but couldn't. He lay with his favorite gray blanket over him and sneezed incessantly. What was more his throat was sore and his eyes and nose itched. What was going on? One of the few real benefits of being a vampire is never getting ill. It made no sense at all. He found an old tee-shirt to wipe his eyes and nose on and tried to relax.

He thought back to Candy and moaned softly. Why now? She would have been wonderful in bed and afterwards…! Spike thought of her warm soft curves and sighed … she would have been wonderful to cuddle! He instantly felt like a pervert for even allowing himself the thought - but there it was! He had started to bring girls home for sex, just so that he could hold them in his arms afterwards. He loved their warmth and softness, the feel of their hair, the smell of their skin. He loved how he felt protective of them, loved and no longer alone. Perverted enough feelings to have, even for another vampire, but with a human it was just plain sick!

Perhaps this was how it started with the great poof, his sire Angel! The thought horrified Spike so greatly that he started another fit of sneezing.

---

Dawn found him on Joyce Summer's doorstep, shaded by his trusty gray blanket. He had never been ill before and could not face going to the Scooby gang for help. He somehow felt like he needed his mother but could never remember having had one. Joyce was the only mum he knew. Besides, she had always been kind to him.

"I must be cracking up!" he thought to himself as he rang the doorbell.

Joyce took a while to answer the door and when she did Spike couldn't help feeling she didn't look her best!

"What is it? It's five in the morning…" she began then, "Oh! It's Spike, isn't it?"

"Please help me! I'm really ill! And the sun's starting to …." Another fit of sneezing shook his frail form. He buried his face in the old tee-shirt until it was back to normal.

Joyce hesitated. She knew far better than to let him in, he was a vampire after all. Yet she'd always found him a likable young man and wasn't there a chip in his head or something? Besides, he really did look so sick and helpless.

"Well ok, you can come in, but I really don't see how I can help." Spike didn't need inviting twice.

Soon they were sitting round the kitchen table drinking steaming mugs of herb-tea. Spike was devouring his fourth chocolate chip cookie and looking a little brighter. He'd told her all about the sneezing and how dreadful he felt. Joyce had suggested it could be a dust mite allergy and found some antihistamine tablets in the bathroom cabinet for him to take. They appeared to be working, much to Spike's surprise. He had just started to tell an enthralled Joyce about what had happened when he'd got back to Dru in Brazil and how you should never trust a fungus demon, when the door burst open. He immediately found himself on the floor with a young blonde astride his chest and a stake pointed at his heart.

"Hi Buffy!" he said with as much cool as he could muster.

"Oh, no! It's ok, Honey!" Joyce explained, "Turns out Spike's just got an allergy problem!"

"Oh, right! So he's not a vampire at all - just lactose intolerant!"

"Nah! Just intolerant to women sitting on my chest - there again - mind shifting down a bit, luv!"

"Pig!" Buffy got off his chest quickly and put the stake away, but in easy reach.

They sat back round the kitchen table with fresh hot drinks, just like old friends. Joyce explained that she had phoned Buffy when she had gone to get the pills. She apologized. Spike accepted her apology. Joyce and Spike explained what he was doing there. Buffy tried to look like someone who gave a damn, rather than someone who would much rather be back in bed with Riley. Spike was starting to find the mortals' company dull.

"Feeling sleepy…" he muttered as his head crashed to the kitchen table.

Buffy pulled his head up kindly by his hair and slapped his face in a concerned manner until he woke up. (At least she hoped her mom thought she was being kind and concerned!)

"How many of these antihistamine did you have, dear?" Joyce asked, at once both genuinely kind and concerned.

"Dunno…Ten, twelve .. vampire y'know…" he started to drowse again.

"Come on, mom let's get him onto the couch to sleep it off."

"Do you think he'll be ok, dear?"

Buffy pretended to think then said, a little too flipply "Oh yes! You should see the amount he can drink!"

The two women helped him through to the front room and arranged him on the sofa under a comforter. They had a short discussion about whether to take his boots off then both shuddered at the thought!

"You, know, he looks really innocent when he's asleep - almost child-like." Joyce said.

"Yeah! I expect Jack the Ripper did too! In fact I seem to remember Spike saying he knew Jack the Ripper! You know, I wouldn't be surprised…"

"Oh stop!" Joyce giggled.

---

When Spike woke up it was early evening. His mouth felt like blotting paper and he was light-headed, but otherwise he felt fine. Joyce's sofa was really comfortable. He was just yawning and stretching luxuriantly when there was a polite tap at the door.

"Yeah! What?!" he answered, not so politely.

"It's Giles. May I came in?"

"Yeah, whatever!"

Giles came in carrying two mugs. "Bloody hell, not more herb tea!" Spike groaned.

"No, a bit better, I hope. Had some left over in the fridge after you stayed. Hope it's warm enough."

"Cheers! Thanks mate!" It was only pig's blood of course and it had gone a bit lumpy but Spike was hungry.

Giles settled himself in a comfy-chair which made his legs look too long. "I gather you've been having a problem or two. Erm..want to talk about it?"

Spike smirked sarcastically, "Yeah, suppose you might say I've been having a problem or two! Let's see; bloody chip in my head, hunted by the Initiative, can't sodding well fight or even feed, shunned by my own kind, lost the love of my bleeding life and oh yes… I've got hay-fever!"

"Look! There's no need to take that tone with me - I'm only trying to help."

"Yeah, I know. Sorry."

There was an awkward silence then Giles said "Think it's a dust mite allergy not hay-fever, anyway. You should be fine if you take the pills, but just two a day like it says on the bottle!"

"Yeah. But how on earth could a vampire be getting an allergy? I think I'm…well that the chip's turning me human, somehow!"

"Spike, that's impossible. Only magic could do that. That chip's science and can only do what it's set out to do. Has anything else odd been happening then?"

"Um well, sometimes, if I'm hungry enough I eat food. Potato chips, chocolate, cookies, ice cream sometimes. I even enjoy it, sort of find it satisfying."

"So, do you feel you could live on it?"

"No, I need blood, but the snacks help. It's weird!"

"Yes, I'll have to do some research, but I don't think it's anything to worry about. Vampires seen to be able to, well, imitate most things humans can. You drink and smoke quite a lot too, don't you?"

"Well, yeah, what of it?"

Giles recrossed his legs, "Is anything else bothering you?"

The blonde vampire fidgeted awkwardly.

"Giles," he asked, "Do you like to cuddle?"

"Well kind of you to offer, but I'm not that sort of boy!" Giles started to howl with laughter at his own joke. Spike really wanted to hit him, the head-pain would be worth it! Then he imagined himself cuddling Giles and started to laugh himself.

"At least not I'm that bad!" he thought.

The laughter broke the tension and Spike was able to explain his problem with the girls and his "abnormal needs". Giles was surprisingly easy to talk to. When the vampire had blurted out his problem the retired librarian polished his glasses in silence for a minute or so then asked,

"Spike, why were you made?"

"Um, well Angelus, made me for Drusilla." Giles could see there was more to, it but left the subject. He continued,

"You were made specifically to love, vampires usually aren't. Anything but! Unusually for one of your kind, you need affection. I, erm, assume your relationship with Drusilla was very loving?" The blonde vampire nodded, sadly. "Then I imagine that you still need love, that's why just sex isn't enough."

"You calling me a poof?"

"No, anything but! Vampires are all different, needing to love doesn't make you soft. Of course I'm not saying it's ideal with a human but, well there you are."

Spike looked visibly reassured then asked, "So, do you…er"

"Like to cuddle? Oh yes!"

Both men laughed.

They stayed chatting for a while until it was dark enough for Spike to leave. He thanked Joyce for helping him, gave her a hug and a peck on the check. She was about to say "Come back any time," but amended it to "You, take care of yourself now."

They watched the vampire vanish into the darkness.

"Want to stay to dinner? Fish-sticks and fries!"

"Yes, that would be most acceptable." he lied. They set off towards the kitchen and Joyce started to chatter.

"You know that fungus-demon Drusilla ran off with - female!"

"No! That poor…"

The kitchen door slammed closed behind them.

---

Two weeks later

Spike, Buffy and the others were hiding in complete darkness against the walls of a wide walkway next to a sluggishly flowing river of unspeakable filth. Spike had been in some sewers in his time, but the ones in Sunnydale were his least favorite. The closeness to the Hellmouth made them likely to harbor far worse than the mutant monsters of urban myth in sewers elsewhere. The stench was always the same. Spike made a conscious effort not to breathe as he hid in the darkness. Angel had always said that pretending to breathe was infantile. Once he had held the young Spike's head down in a bath of water for twenty minutes to prove to him that he did not need to breathe. Spike had come up none the worse for the ordeal, then coughed and spluttered and started false breathing again! He had never kicked the habit.

Spike could just make out Buffy, slightly ahead of him. She seemed calm and relaxed, unlike Xander, behind him who was chewing his nails. Giles, who was hiding with Xander was grinding his teeth. The vampire suspected that the two witches Willow and Tara were holding hands. He could not see the point of bringing anyone but himself and the Slayer. Giles and Xander could fight at a pinch, but were also likely to need rescuing, as were the girls. Apparently the witches both needed to be there to neutralize the invincible aura of the olyphant demons. Humans! He'd "neutralize their aura" all right, with his axe! Spike was aching for some good violence and had to discipline himself not to fidget like the mortals.

There was a muffled sound and the faint sight of a hoard of large demons shuffling along. Spike's game mask came on. "This is it!" he muttered to the humans, who had seemed to have heard and noticed nothing. They clutched their weapons more tightly and prepared to fight. Spike watched as the olyphant demons drew closer. There were about 10, more than expected, "Big buggers too!" he thought to himself, grinning. Soon they were just close enough. He tapped Buffy on the shoulder and whispered, "ok", she shouted out "NOW!" and all hell broke loose.

Some-one let off two flares which lit the scene with eerie phosphorescent glow. Spike was blinded for seconds but continued to head for the large demon in the front. He gave it a mighty blow which should have decapitated it but the axe just bounced. Chanting in the background and a stirring of the hairs on the back of his head reminded him of the witches at work.

"That a love pat, Pretty Boy?" the demon mocked.

"No Luv, but this is," Spike replied, neatly parting the foul creature's head from its neck. It continued to stand there for some time, a fountain of blood gushing from it's neck while its head bounced away like a grotesque turnip. Spike had no time to admire his handiwork, as another of the gray misshapen creatures made for him, wielding a sword. In a flash he had severed the monster's sword arm. It howled with rage and pain, reaching out for him with it's remaining arm. The vampire brought his axe down through its skull splattering blood and brains all around.

"Spike, nine o'clock!" someone warned, and he neatly stepped out of the way of an olyphant demon that was bearing down on him like an angry bull. It's own impetuous carried it into the open sewer, where it vanished with barely a ripple.

"Swims like a brick!" he remarked, to no-one in particular.

The vampire glanced over at Buffy, who was welding a broadsword instead of her usual stake. She caught his glance and shouted, "The one with the gold head-band - he's got the alumulet!" She went back to slicing and dicing a demon.

"Great! The one they're all protecting!" Spike sighed, but his demon-face was grinning. He vaguely tried to remember why the Amulet of Amazula had been stolen and why it was vital they retrieved it, but immediately gave up. So long as he could kick demon ass he was happy! A cross-bow bolt whistled by his ear, missing by millimeters. It thudded into the demon he had been headed for, felling it.

"Hey, watch it, you prat!"

"Sorry!" Giles replied, sheepishly.

Buffy and Spike reached the head-band wearing demon at the same time. Spike discouraged the guards with a few limb severings and beheadings, while Buffy went for the alumulet. Spike was in a happy blur of violence. He knew that Buffy had got the amulet and was just raising his axe for it's umpteenth blow when he heard a girl's scream. He looked round just in time to see the Slayer being grasped tightly by a large demon, both of them falling backwards into the sewer!

There was a moment's shocked silence and everything went still. Then to his total amazement Spike found himself running to the point where Buffy had fallen and jumping into the raw sewage at the point where he guessed she had vanished. Once in the thick mess the only sense he had was that of touch. He hit bottom and started to feel around. It was hopeless.

After what seemed like an eternity Spike surfaced holding on tightly to Buffy, who on turn was still clutching the amulet. Everyone rushed to the side of the open sewer to help pull her out. They crowded round, making sure that she was still breathing and whether she needed CPR. Spike dragged himself heavily out of the sewer and sat alone, hunched over and shivering, dripping with effluent. He was about to say something sarcastic about their lack of concern when his entire body decided he was going to vomit. There was nothing in his stomach to come up so the experience was even more unpleasant. The caring crowd round Buffy had decided that she needed to be taken to hospital, just for a check-over and probably some shots. Xander gallantly lifted up the stinking Buffy and joked about her not being able to fall into shit and come up smelling of roses after all! They all laughed and were about to leave when Tara looked back and whispered something to Willow.

"Catch up with you at the hospital, guys," she said and much to Spike's shock the girls came over to him. He was still crouched over dry-heaving but said he was fine. They found him a bottle of mineral water to rinse his mouth out with and something to clean his hands and face off with. Spike drank a little of the water and then, to his shame, threw-up over Willow's trainers!

"Don't worry, they were old anyway," she lied.

The vampire began to feel much better. Soon he was sat in the back of Tara's pick-up truck on his way to have the muck hosed off him in Joyce Summer's yard. He was shivering with cold, sick to his stomach, stank to high heaven and worst of all he had saved the life of a Slayer. Spike grinned and then began to laugh out loud! Allergies, the chip, girls, perhaps even turning human - who cared? None of it mattered! He felt happy and himself again for the first time since his return to Sunnydale!

Nothing like a good spot of violence to get things back into proportion!

 

~Fin~