Always You

By Angel Jade

Part Three

"How you feeling today?" He asks as he walks in. He's half undressed, his shirt still undone, obviously couldn't wait to come and see me. Find myself grinning, but hide it before he sees.

"Told you. I feel fine." I lie. Still ache. Still hurt like hell.

"Liar."

Can't believe I actually thought it was cool that he knows me so well.

"Fucker." I reply. Still acting cold and distant, but I know he sees through it.

Days have passed and I can actually eat again. Getting my strength back slowly. And my wit.

Don't think he's happy about that part.

And yet by the look on his face, I think maybe he is. I like calling him fucker. It's become more of an affectionate insult than a snide remark. He has his own insults.

We're far more comfortable insulting each other than talking about what has happened.

And yes, I've still managed to avoid the inevitable `talk.'

Can't wait for that one.

"If you're feeling so great, get up and help." He says.

I smile. "Not a chance."

"Lazy bastard." He calls me.

"Moody fucker." I reply.

This is fun. It feels so great to hate this guy. He hates me too. We've got into an interesting situation.

Well, it's not like we could ever be friends. We're getting back into our old roles easily. The way things are going, I might even be able to salvage my life. Maybe not my job. Wonder if they think I'm dead. Probably. Surprisingly, not too bothered about that.

"You hungry?" He asks. Always the night nurse.

"I was." I reply, smirking. "Until you forced a three course meal down my throat."

Oh God, am I so warped that that now has sexual undertones? No…he sees it too. Looks embarrassed. Not half as bad as I feel.

---

I remember him forcing himself down my throat. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move back, his hand was in my hair, pushing my head closer to him. I can't remember what was going through my head. Maybe it was the urge to throw up. Another guy's dick in your mouth can do that to you. Maybe it was the lack of oxygen. Death by blowjob. Now there's a way to go. It was probably the humiliation. The helplessness. The disgust with yourself. He spoke while this was going on. I remember that well.

"What's the matter? Having a little trouble breathing?" He asked, laughing at my awkwardness.

He pulled my head back, giving me a chance to breathe, before thrusting himself back into me.

"Surely you know how to suck dick?" He mocked. "How else would a sorry fuck like you get a job at Wolfram and Hart?"

Actually…by selling my soul. But I hear that that works too.

"Gonna have to teach you, Lindsey." He said, patronizingly. "I've taught quite a lot of people in my time. It won't take long. You learn so much faster when you know what the price is for messing up."

---

"Hey." He calls me. I look at him, realising I must have spaced out. "You still with us?"

"Um, yeah." I say. He knows where I went. He went there too. I think I've gone red.

"Cordelia brought you some clothes." He says, indicating to the chair across the room. Several expensive looking suits.

I smile. "You know, I do wear normal clothes."

"We weren't sure. I asked her to…" He breaks off, uncomfortable admitting he brought them for me.

"Thanks." I reply. Not too happy. Content. Grateful. But not happy.

I'm good at lying. I'm a lawyer after all.

"Right…well. Uh…the television is…there."

"I know. I still have eyes." I remind him, playfully.

"Magazines." He says, pointing at a pile of very male looking magazines. I notice the one on top.

"That's a gay magazine." I say, barely keeping a straight face.

For an experienced vampire, he looks so innocent.

"I wasn't…I didn't…"

He's stuttering. I like this side of Angel. Wish I could laugh at him.

"I didn't know." He finally gets out.

"It's okay. Might be an amusing read." I say.

Wonder if he's blushing. Kinda hard to do when you're dead.

"Radio." He says. "Also plays records which Cordelia and Gunn have lent you."

"Records?" I can't believe this guy. I had him pegged for the serious type. But he's so damn funny.

"What? Why are you laughing?" He asks. "Why does everyone laugh when I say that?"

I laugh harder. Seems inappropriate but it's so hard to keep a straight face round him.

"I'm leaving." He says, half-annoyed, half-amused at my mood.

"Thanks for the records!" I yell after him. I can't believe I'm smiling. After everything that has happened, I'm smiling. That's his fault. Fucker.

---

Angelus was laughing at the pathetic state I was in. Crying. A grown man, crying. An evil lawyer, crying. Not so evil anymore. Kinda brings you down…torture does. Makes you real. Just a man. Nothing else. Not that I was sobbing. Stray tears rolling down my cheeks. Couldn't blame me after what I'd been through. And I did believe it would never end at that point.

"Where's a camera when you need one?" He asked no one in particular. "You know, I was thinking, now that I'm back, I should go into the porn trade. Whad'ya think? I'd make a fortune in torture videos. Snuff films. Sound good to you? You'd look great on screen."

His constant mocking made it so much harder.

"Lindsey?" I was so far gone I didn't even realise he was talking to me. "Look at me when I'm talking to you." He scolded.

I did. I glared at him with more venom than I have ever experienced in my entire life. I missed Angel so very much at that point.

"You're not lasting well." He said to me, dissatisfied. "I've tortured so many people and I've had some last…" He stopped and cocked his head. "Speaking of people I've tortured…how do you feel about a cell mate?"

I frowned. A what?

"Got an old friend who needs a serious beating for betraying me." He muttered.

I remember wondering if he'd get bored of me and go torture someone else. No such luck. He continued anyway.

---

Nothing on the television, radio stations suck. Read the magazines. Yes, even the gay one. Bored.

Look at the clothes with little interest. Fed up of wearing one of Angel's shirts. Feels good, but its Angel's.

Isn't that why it feels good?

I think too much.

I take it off, feeling very vulnerable now I have no clothes on. Don't know why…but I don't feel safe round Angel naked. What if Angelus was right?

---

"He's wanted to screw you from the moment he saw you."

---

And I'm not as freaked as I should be.

I blame the magazine.

Trying to put clothes on while still injured is a stupid idea. Losing balance. Ouch.

"Lindsey?" There in a second. I only fell over. Don't need to be so damn worried.

"I'm fine." I say.

The good news, I'm wearing boxers.

The bad news, that's all I'm wearing.

He helps me over to the bed.

"You should have asked for help." He tells me.

"I don't need help." He gives me a look. "From you." I add, just to be spiteful.

He doesn't take that one as a joke. Think I may have offended him.

"Okay." He says and goes to leave.

I roll my eyes. "Wait."

He does. So obedient.

---

"That's a good boy." He said, smirking.

I had just wanted the pain to stop. Anything.

I had crossed the line. No longer being forced, I was down on my knees…

"You get off on this, Lindsey?" He asked me.

I'm not that twisted.

"You like being an obedient little fuck toy?"

---

I shake the images from my head and realise Angel is still waiting for me to talk.

"Nevermind." I say.

He leaves.

Great, now I feel like shit.

What else is new?

---

"Worthless piece of shit." He spat. "You think you're something `cause you got your own office. Let me tell ya something, Lindsey. You're not worth anything. Your job is all you got going for you and now you don't even have that."

Let me die, let me die, let me die.

"What are ya?" He asked, as he grabbed my hair to force me to look at him. My hands were chained above my head, my feet barely touching the ground.

I couldn't answer the question. It was something to be told that you're nothing, but another to say it yourself.

He stood behind me, waiting for an answer. He didn't get one.

The pain I felt as he entered me from behind was indescribable. I tried so hard not to scream. I was in so much pain…

"What. Are. You. Lindsey?" He asked me slowly, each word spoken with each thrust.

"Worthless." I said. And even I could hear the pain in my declaration. He was hurting me in more ways than one and we both knew it.

---

I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't want to remember everything in so much detail but I do. This is torture. I'm going to have to suffer this for the rest of my life. Everything I hear, everything I see sparking off my memories of that day. I wonder if Angel feels like this. After all, he has to remember too. But he doesn't remember the pain. Not like I do.

I get up again. I hate this fucking bed. It's not Angel's. At least I don't think it is. He doesn't sleep in it. I'd prefer to sleep in his.

Without him.

God, what is wrong with me? Why do I keep thinking about him?

`Cause he just raped you?

Wasn't him.

But he remembers.

But it wasn't him.

Shut up, Lindsey.

Okay.

I grab a pair of pants. Don't bother with a shirt. Angel can take them back and get his money back. I don't need a shirt where I'm going. But pants…I need pants.

I walk out quietly. Not sure how good his hearing is so I creep. Looking for a staircase. Not that one. I want to go up.

Forgotten how painful it is to walk. Missing that bed already.

It'll only last a minute.

Climbing up the stairs, wishing I had put a shirt on. Kinda cold. Realise it's nighttime. Haven't seen the sun in a while. Keep the curtains closed. Wouldn't want Angel going up in flames, would I?

Wow, it's high up. Can see for miles. Think I can spot Wolfram and Hart. Only makes me more determined. I walk to the edge and remember a song I heard on the radio once. Feel tears rising again. It's for the best.

I feel a hand grab my arm roughly and pull me back. Afraid for a moment that Angelus has returned.

Only Angel.

Should have known he wouldn't let me die.

He doesn't say a word, just leads me back downstairs, his arm around me. Sees I'm close to crying and doesn't say anything. I let him lead me. Too tired to argue.

Besides, kinda like being so close to him. For a dead man, he's kinda warm.

Once again he puts me back to bed. I look at him sadly, wanting to know why.

"You're better than that." He says seriously. "And while you're here, you stay in here and do as you're told, okay?" I think he's trying to make a joke.

I nod.

"Good." He says. "Now, we need to talk."

I no longer want to use my voice. So I look away in disinterest instead.

He gets it, but it doesn't stop him. Stubborn bastard.

"Fine, I'll talk. You listen." He says, obstinately. "While it was your fault I became Angelus again, you did not deserve what happened to you."

Shit, how does he know that's what I keep thinking? He's reading my mind. That's just fucking peachy.

"Lindsey, when I came to and saw…remembered what had happened, I felt more guilt than ever before. And I feel guilty all the time."

Don't doubt that. If I had to share bodies with Angelus I'd be pretty damn messed up.

"I'm sorry. I know I can't make anything better by saying that. But it's all I can do." He says.

Would rather go back to insults but it feels good to finally get this out the way.

"You're right. You can't do anything. It's not your apology. You didn't do anything." I remind him.

"But I…" He wants to feel guilty about this. Remind you of anyone else?

"I did deserve it. It was my fault…" I try to explain.

"No one deserves that. You're not a bad person, Lindsey." I think he's as shocked as me that he actually said that.

"I don't need your fucking pity. I don't want it. Don't pretend you give a fuck about me just `cause you feel guilty." I yell, hurt that it is the only reason he's letting me live, let alone being nice to me.

"I'm not. I thought…" He stops.

"Thought what?" I demand.

"I thought things were different between us." He says quietly.

Oh.

"They…are." I say, a little embarrassed now. "I just thought you…"

"Lindsey, things have changed. I know you haven't been here that long, but you're a pain in the ass."

"Excuse me?" Did that sentence make sense?

"You're one of those people who bug the crap out of me, but you're kinda…interesting."

"Interesting?" Where's he going with this? He's making no sense.

He sighs, angry that I'm making him say this. "I like having you around. You remind me of…" He thinks I don't want him to say it.

"You." I finish for him.

He looks shocked that I'm not angry or disgusted at this.

"We both have a soul." I say. "We've both done bad things. We both think too much."

He smiles. Contagious bastard makes me smile too. Did I mention that I hate him?

"There is one difference." I say.

He frowns, ready for an insult.

"I don't read gay magazines." I have to grin at his expression.

"I…I don't…it was a mistake." He's stuttering again.

Man, I love this guy.

Shit, now I know I'm crazy. I just used the 'L' word.

"What are you thinking?" He asks me.

Wouldn't you like to know?

Shut up!

Well, you were.

Stop talking to yourself.

Angel. Bed. Sex.

I need help.

"I need help." I say, without meaning to.

"You do?" He's not sure how to take this. "What kind?"

"With the crossword." I add quickly. "You're old, maybe you can help."

If he had any doubts that I was lying, he forgot them. He grabbed the paper from the other side of the bed, leaning across me to do it.

Bad thoughts. Stop thinking.

If he can smell my arousal, I will die of shame.

"Ignominy." He says.

"What?"

"Another word for humiliation."

"I'm not…" Takes me a few seconds to realise he's talking about the crossword. "Oh."

"Thank you Angel." He says, indicating he wants thanks.

"I'll thank you when you're done." I tell him.

I see him roll his eyes and smile.

He has the nicest eyes.

I'm an eye man. I wonder what kind of man Angel is. I really want to ask him.

"Angel?"

"Mmm." He mumbles, still trying to work out the crossword.

"Need to ask you a question."

He looks up. "Go for it." He says.

Can't ask him that. I grab one of the magazines to my left. One of Cordelia's no doubt. Wonder if all women know how much men like to read women's magazines?

"Your ideal date would be A) a romantic dinner for two B)…"

"Uh, Lindsey?" He's smiling.

I continue. "B) the movies, C) wine in front of the fireplace D) a walk in the park?"

Now he's laughing. "Well…" He tries to take it seriously. To humour me. "A walk in the park would probably not be a good idea. Nighttime trip seems a little weird. Wine and me…bad combination."

Really? File that for later use.

"Last time I went to the movies with my ex…it was…different. So it's gonna have to be a meal. Except…I don't eat. So…I guess…the movies. But it'd have to be a classic. Not this modern stuff. Charlton Heston."

"You like Charlton Heston?" I ask. "I love his movies."

Great, now I'm flirting with him. But I'm not lying…I do like Charlton Heston. In a non-gay way. I'm not gay.

So you wouldn't like to pin Angel to the ground and…?

"Moving swiftly on…" I say. "Question two. If your boyfriend was an hour late, would you A) Break up with him B) Worry mindlessly C) Go on without him D) Ask him to explain then forgive him."

"My boyfriend?" He asks me, doubtfully.

"Girlfriend then." I say…kinda disappointed. Of course he's not gay. He used to date the slayer. Why would he be interested in you?

"I'd worry mindlessly about him." He says casually.

Him. He said him.

"Okay…next question." Here goes. "Are you a butt girl, a hair girl, an eye girl or a leg girl?"

I wonder if he knows I'm not even reading from the damn magazine. I'm on a shampoo ad right now.

"You can change the girl to guy if it makes it easier." I tease him.

"I was always an eye guy." He says after some thought.

My heart stops, I'm so happy.

"What?" He asks, seeing me smile.

"Nothing." I say.

"Come on. I want to know what kind of person I am." He says, playing along.

Never thought Angel could be fun to be around. He's so different when he's not saving the world or brooding about his friends. On his own…with me…he's quite a nice guy.

"Couple more questions." I tell him. I want to keep playing. "Most important personality feature. A) Good sense of humour, B) Spirit, C) Intelligence or D) adventurous?"

Okay, I'm lame, but it's not like he reads these. He won't know I'm making it up.

"Spirit." He says. "Always chose the ones with spirit." He smiles.

"Chose?"

"Nevermind." He says. I think he's referring to Angelus' taste in food. Nice.

"How many months would you wait before sleeping with your new boyfriend? A) Straight away B) Less than one C) 1-2, D) 3+?"

"That's tough. Really only ever dated one girl. And I waited…around about six months. But ordinarily? Whenever he's ready."

Is he making a joke about the `him' thing?

"That's not an answer." I say.

"Okay then…a month."

"Well?"

"Well what?" I reply, innocently.

"What am I?"

"Annoying." I reply. Got my wit back again I see.

"Lemme see." He tries to grab the magazine.

Oh shit.

"Alright I'll read it to you." I say desperately. I'll die if he finds out what I was doing.

"No, I want to see."

Bastard.

He climbs on top of me to reach over to take the magazine. But I have a few tricks up my sleeve and manage to buck him off. We wrestle for the magazine. And I know full well he's letting me win. Like I had a chance against an all-powerful vampire.

"Gimme!" He yells childishly.

"Gerrof!" I yell back.

Wrestling with him is even more fun than insulting him. This is great.

He finally pins me to the bed and suddenly the magazine is not so important anymore. His face is so close to mine. The only sound is my heartbeat, which seems to have sped up since I last checked.

Is he going to kiss me or do I have to do it?

Come on, you can smell my arousal you fucker! Do it.

He pulls back and climbs off the bed.

Its takes a lot of effort not to complain.

"I'm sorry." He says sheepishly.

"For what?" I ask. Nothing happened, how can you be sorry?

"I didn't mean to…"

"I was having fun." I say flatly.

He looks surprised, and then his face softens. "Me too, but…"

"Fucker." I mutter playfully.

He looks at me like a disobedient child. I smile back at him.

"Cocky little shit."

"Now you're asking for it." I warn him, before throwing the pillow at him. He wasn't expecting that. It actually hit him. Big bad vampire with all his superior speed and agility got hit by a pillow. I'm laughing now.

He picks it back up and wonders over to me, a nasty look in his eyes. "You're going to pay for that." He says.

"It was only a joke." I say, not sure I want to be beaten to death by a pillow. But he's joking. I know that. So am I.

I grab a pillow, ready to defend myself.

"I see someone's getting better." A sarcastic voice says.

"Cordelia." Angel says, shocked to see her.

She raises an eyebrow. "You two just cannot get along can you?"

We grin at each other.

"Thanks for everything, Cordelia. I didn't get a chance to thank you earlier." Lindsey the charming. Starting to feel like the old me. Or maybe the new improved me.

"Oh." She's a little surprised at that. "Sure…anytime."

She wants me. I can tell.

"Next time, you buy the magazines." I tell her, smirking at Angel.

He looks angry.

"Huh?" She doesn't get it.

"Shut it, Lindsey." He warns me.

"Angel brought me a gay magazine." I laugh. So does Cordelia.

"Do I come across as gay?" I ask her.

"You're too good looking to be straight." She replies.

An English voice calls her name.

"Gotta go." She says happily. She turns before she leaves and looks at us carefully. "Behave."

"You're gonna regret that." He says. I throw my last pillow at him and he catches it this time.

Well done, Lindsey. Now you're out of ammo.

He smirks before swooping down and attacking me.

Death by pillows actually seems quite a fun way to go.

---

"Angel is there something you're not telling us?!" A guy yells from downstairs and we hear laughing.

"Gay magazines?" The English guy shouts, obviously in stitches.

"I'm gonna kill you." Angel tells me.

I just smile.

 

~Fin~