Backstage

By Lisa Martin

It's too much, I can't stand it anymore and I elbow my way through the throng, to the entrance. Staggering into the hallway, I gulp in deep breaths of air. That huge weight on my shoulders is finally crushing me. I reach out for something to hold me up, to keep me from falling and I am caught by a strong arm. It's the guy from before, Gunn or something.

"You okay, man?"

I nod. "Yeah, yeah." I look at him and force a smile. "It's the song, hits a bit too close to home."

He smiles back in understanding. "It's a tough one."

He doesn't understand, how can he? He wasn't there, I was. "Yes, it is."

"Are you sure you're all right? You look a little pale." It's the woman, she's truly concerned.

"I'm fine. Or I will be. Thanks..Fred, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"There you are! I've been looking all over for you!"

Oh great. So far for ducking. Hey wait, how did she .?

"Just needed some air," Gunn replies. "How is Angel?"

"Fine..well, so he says. It gives me the shivers. Xander?"

A lot of confusing thoughts to sort out at the same time. Gunn knows Cordy, Gunn knows Angel and now Cordy knows I'm here. "Hi Cordy."

"Oh my!" She hugs me tightly. It helps, not a lot, but it eases the tension a little. "Why didn't you call?"

"I'm only here for the concert." I draw back, but hold my arm around her shoulders. Gunn and Fred are staring at us. "Cordy and I are old friends," I explain.

"From High School," she adds. "God, Xan, that song..you were there, weren't you?" She looks at me with wide eyes.

"Yeah I was. I had heard the song before, but until tonight I had no idea it was about her." I laugh, a short bitter laugh. "Hell, I didn't even know who the singer was!"

"That's because he didn't sing it on the CD." Angel. Cool, collected, face of stone. Nothing unusual there. "Xander."

"Angel." A look of understanding passes between us. Cease fire. Bound by the loss of a loved one. I release Cordelia, a gesture of good will, which he accepts with a nod. He does haul her close the very next second though.

I makes me smile, that vampire possessiveness always does. Talking of vampires."He sang it because he knew you were there."

"Yes." That one word holds a world of meaning. I can only imagine what went on beforehand.

"Lemme get this straight. You know Angel and Cordelia?" Apparently Gunn has missed the whole subtle interplay between Angel and me.

"Yeah. Cordy and I are from the same town. Angel, well.he showed up around the time I found out vampires were real."

"Then you're a part of the group, whatiscalled..the Scobbies?"

I throw Cordelia a meaningful look, which she shrugs off with typical Chase casualness. "The Scoobies. Yeah, I'm one of the original four." That earns me a glare from Angel, which I shrug off. He was never a member of that core group, no matter how much he wanted to be. Buffy, Willow, Giles and me, those were the ones that took on the defence of the world in those early days, the ones who were bounded by that ancient ritual. When Buffy died that bond suffered, but it wasn't broken. Even with Giles, thousands of miles away, I still feel it.

"Cool! I mean."

I ward his apology off by raising my hand. "I know what you mean."

"Come on, guys. We have back stage passes, remember?" Cordy is bouncing. She still gets a kick out of meeting celebrities even when one of them is someone she hated at one time. "Oh. Xander, you wanna come too?"

"Don't have one of those passes."

"Pfff. Big deal. We'll smuggle you in."

"Cordy.". I feel a grin coming up. Save yourself the trouble Angel, you'll never win.

"Don't you Cordy me. He goes with us."

So I tag along to the stage entrance just in time to see the band leave the stage. He doesn't look at us, stalks in the direction of the dressing rooms right away. I feel a vague sense of disappointment, something that disturbs me greatly. Before I have time to think this over, Cordy hands the security guard their passes. They are permitted to walk through, but I am stopped, just like I expected. No pass, no entrance. None of the protests helps and I am left standing there.

"We'll get you in man," Gunn calls to me. Whatever. Yet I wait. To get the surprise of a lifetime when I see that one band member walking towards me some minutes later. He wears his trademark smirk, but that's about all that is familiar about him. The bleached hair is gone, it's a darker blond now and longer. He's clad in blue jeans and a loose fitting T-shirt with the name of the band on it. The strut, on closer inspection, that's the same too. He greets me with a grin.

"Whelp."

"Spike."

"Come to see ol' Spike play?"

"Came to see the concert. Had no idea you were in the band. Cordy insisted I'd come back stage." No idea of mine, oh no!

"Come on then." He gestures at the guard that it's all right and I am let through. We walk beside each other in silence. What can I say? Nice to see you again? He wouldn't believe me and frankly neither do I. It's confusing, not nice.

Inside the dressing room it's mayhem. What did they do, invite the whole crowd in? I search for Cordy and find her in a corner, talking to one of the other band members. "Hey great, you got in!" she beams as she sees me.

"Xander."

I stare at the guy in bewilderment, do I know him? Then the proverbial light bulb flashes on over my head. "Devon!"

"Good to see you here," he smiles. He's changed too. Devon used to be a wild one, experimenting with everything he could get his hands on. He seems calmer now, more together.

"You're looking good."

"Left the wild life behind me," he grins. "Well, sorta," he adds, when a girl winds herself around him. "'Cuse me." He disappears, tagging the girl with him.

"That hasn't changed," I remark. "He used to get every girl in school."

"Including me. Just say it."

"I wasn't going to, but if you insist.."

She slaps me on my arm. "You haven't changed much either!"

How wrong she is. I have changed, a lot. My mouth doesn't run away with me as often as it used to, I'm quieter, more introspective. Some people would call that maturing, I'd say it's just numbness. Anya's leaving was just one blow too many. I give Cordy a smile and a shrug. "If you say so."

"No, I won't." Her voice gets gentler. "You're different from the boy I used to date. Life has been hard on you."

I shrug again. "What can I say? I live in Hellmouth City."

"There's more than that. I know you won't tell me and I won't ask." But I will find out, I add silently. I have no doubt she will.

"Catching up?" It's Spike.

"Kind of. You were great. That song.." She shivers.

A small smile tugs at his mouth. "Thanks." Then he looks at me and I know what he wants to hear.

"Cordy's right, you're good. About the song.." I can't say it, the words stick in my throat, forming a big ball that prevents me from uttering another word. He stares at me and his expression changes. It's subtle, but I notice it. He lays a hand on my arm and squeezes it lightly then turns and walks away. It tells me more than a thousand words. He saw the emotions, saw the rawness his song causes and understands. We were there. We know.

The party goes on around me, but I hang out on the sideline. Once my attention is drawn to Angel, talking to Spike. Their faces are grave and for a moment I'm afraid we're going to land in the middle of a vampire war, but then Spike smiles and gives Angel a firm clap on the shoulder. Deadboy forces a smile, clearly not too pleased with that gesture. What follows is an example of how thoroughly irritating Spike can be. He calls Angel Grandpa, loud enough for anyone to hear. I hide my smile behind my hand, enjoying the stormy look on Angel's face and the way Cordy bustles him out of the room.

When the party finally winds down, I find myself still at the same spot, leaning against the wall. For some reason I can't get myself to leave, like there is something I have to do before I go. Spike walks up to me and I know what it is.

"'ey pet."

"Hey." A silence falls in which I gather my courage. "Thank you."

"Welcome," he nods.

No more words are needed to explain what I meant. Those song lyrics have cut deep, but still they heal. Old wounds are ripped open and close again, with less scarring this time. And then I realise the one thing I never wanted to see, he loved her. We scolded him all the time; we didn't believe him. Now I do. "You loved her."

He shakes his head and smiles wearily. "Took you long enough. Yes, I did, I do. So did you."

I can't deny it. 'Yeah."

"Which makes us the only two persons who can understand this song. We were the ones on the sideline, having to watch while others forced their way into her life. We were ignored." His voice is soft and weary. I understand completely, feeling bone tired myself. I have been the one looking in, never being let in, so has he. "Me, I can understand, but you? You would've made her happy."

Not so sure about that. "I would've tried."

He glances at me, smile deepening. "You'd succeeded." Then he takes my arm and pulls me with him. "Come on, let's get out of here."

He needs to talk, it's clear. And guess what, so do I. So I follow him, out of the concert hall, out on the streets. His turf, the streets at night, the place where he once ruled. He hasn't lost his confidence though, stalking them like he owns them. I haven't got a clue where he's taking me, but I trust him. Trust him to take me somewhere where we can talk without anyone interfering.

The place were we wind up is a surprise, an apartment block that looks.expensive.

"You live here?" I inquire.

"When I'm in town. Had the place for ages, even before I came to Sunnyhell."

Then why did he live in a crypt? Good question, to which I have no answer. I file it away under 'things to ask' and focus on the apartment itself. By now he has dragged me into it and I can't help but gape in awe. This is beyond expensive, it's expensive and luxurious. Not the tacky kind, but tasteful. The kind of interior that looks simple, until you look at the price tags.

"Wow."

He grins, obviously pleased. And gloating. "Never thought that good for nothing vampire owned something like this, didn't you?"

I shake my head. "Never in my wildest dreams. Angel, yeah, but you.."

"Gotta hand it to the poof, he's good with money. We all had our 'trust funds' so to speak." He shoots me a smirk, challenging me to fill in the blanks. Which I do, in full colour. And you know, I don't care.

"Looks great."

He eyes me in wonder, clearly expecting a completely different reaction. Then he chuckles and smacks me on the back. Ow. "Hey! Heeyyyy."

"Learned to control it." His comment is immediate. "It knows when I don't want to cause pain."

He doesn't want to hurt me. Not that I needed the chip's affirmation, but it's a relief none the less. "Good for you." And I mean that.

"Yeah well," he shrugs like he doesn't care. I know better.

"So, tell me why you dragged me here."

A pointed stare. Ice blue eyes focused on me, expression wonder mixed with annoyance. "You bloody well know why."

"We were there." And neither of us has ever really talked about it.

"Yeah." He sags down on a chair. "Couldn't sleep for weeks, even now I have the nightmare. The same one over and over again. I see her and she blames me."

"But." I can talk all I want, but I can't ignore the fact I'm in the same boat. "Same here."

Again that weary smile. "Figured you might. The poof thinks he knows what the song is about, he doesn't. He doesn't!!" A book goes flying across the room, hitting the wall. It leaves a dent in the wall.

"He can't know. We saw it happen. We know."

"Boiled down to two words. You always were good at that." This time the smile is more open.

"Simple guy, that's me."

"Stop that!" He jumps up and grabs me by the shoulders. "You're no more simple than I am! We just make them believe we are!"

"And why is that?" The core question of my existence. Never asked before, probably never will be again.

"Because we don't want them to see who we really are."

I step closer, an unstoppable urge driving me. I need..what? I just need. I meet his eyes and find the same need there. No reasons, no explanations, just raw need. We were there. We know.

The next moments are a blur. I am pushed backwards until I bump into something. A couch. Another push and I'm lying on it, seconds later I am lying underneath Spike. It's harsh, brutal, needy. Clothes fly, bodies slamming together, no room for thought or doubts. Time stops, we are all that matters. Nothing but us in the entire universe and I've never felt so free in all my life. It's a bit like flying I suppose, with no strings to pull you down. I never want to land, want to stay here and fly.

But the moment ends and I come down again. I am slick with sweat and more, holding him tightly. He doesn't move away, just lies there, eyes closed and actually breathing. It's weird, seeing his chest rise and fall. I've watched him countless times when he stayed in my basement and never saw him do that. Then it filters through slowly. I had sex with him. And guess what? Again I don't care. Well, I do care, but it doesn't upset me. I needed this.

He moves a bit, settling himself more comfortably. I tighten my arms around him, press a kiss on a bare shoulder and whisper, "No bad dreams tonight."

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