Backstage

By Lisa Martin

It's quiet there, they have gone. We kneel beside the grave and I spot my flowers, lying against the headstone. Thank you Dawn. He puts his hand on the headstone. I watch in silence.

"Hello Slayer." He pauses as if waiting for an answer. "I'm not known for keeping my promises, but I never felt so rotten about breaking one before. I ran, couldn't cope. It's no excuse, it's a reason." He smiles. "I wish you'd be here to kick my ass for it." Another smile, roguish. "Talking about ass, I bet you're laughing yours off up there." He grins at my confused look. "The two guys who carried a torch for you winding up together?"

Ah. I grin back, it is pretty weird indeed.

"Nah."

We stare at each other, startled. "Did you hear that?" I ask.

"Yeah."

Good then I'm not imagining things. "Buffy?" I look around me.

"Don't bother, Xand, you won't see me. Audio only, sorry for that."

It's her, well, her voice. Spike is still baffled, he stares, his mouth slightly open. "Buffy?" I ask again.

"Yeah. I was hoping you two would show up here. I can follow you, but I can only talk to you when you're here."

"Close to your body." Good, Spike has discovered he has a voice.

"Right. Mental picture I didn't need, thank you Spike."

"Glad to oblige."

"Buffy, why are you here, talking to us?" I can feel her now too, a presence, fleeting but there.

"To answer Spike's question, no I am not laughing my ass off. My first thought when I saw you two was, 'at last'. "

"At last??" we chorus.

"It's been long overdue. I have been pushing you a bit, I admit that, but I got so tired of waiting."

"Pushed us??" Again in stereo.

"Just a bit. Made your radio play that song over and over again, Xander. By the way, pretty depressing, Spike."

He shrugs. "Felt like that."

"Whatever. Anyway, I made sure no one disturbed you during that time and no one would try to stop you. You both needed this. Of course." A pause and I can almost hear the shrug. "I just wanted you to be friends. Whatever came next, that was entirely your own doing."

I look at him, trying to make out his expression. It's blank, which is not necessarily a bad sign. "So, you just wanted us to be friends, huh?"

"Hey, I'm not into love spells and such, too tricky."

Her voice fades, but I have a hunch she is still talking. My feelings are confirmed when I see Spike smile. She's talking to him now. I sit and wait, knowing I'll get my turn.

"Hey Xand." See? "You had a rough time, big brother. Just think your answer, I can hear it."

'Telepathy?'

"Yep. One of the perks of being dead."

'I had a rough time, but it's better now.' Much better.

"I can see that!" Her laugh echoes in my head. "Let him love you, Xander. Accept it. Believe that you deserve this."

I swallow, trying to get that rock out of my throat. 'It's not easy.'

"Waiting for the other shoe to drop?"

'Yeah.' Always.

"It won't. Take my word for it. Be happy, grab life with both hands. His love for you runs deep."

I feel his eyes on me, but I can't look back. 'I love him too, Buff, very much.'

"Then go for it."

'I'll try.'

"No, do it!!"

'Yes Ma'am!'

"There's my Xand."

I feel her leaving my head and discover I'm grinning like mad. "Still the same old Buffy."

"Giving orders," Spike nods, then winces. "Oi! Don't hit me!!"

"Oh, did I mention I can touch you as well?" she singsongs. He gives her a dark stare, looking in the direction of the headstone. "Not there, Spikey.."

I laugh, can't help it. This situation is too funny. Spike playing hide and seek with an invisible Slayer. A dead Slayer. I see a smile creeping up his face as well and it doesn't take long before he is laughing too. In my head I hear Buffy joining in. Our laughing fit ends when he pulls me close, nuzzling my neck.

"I'll leave you now. Be happy guys." And then she's gone. It feels empty somehow, but on the other hand she has left a trace of her behind inside me. The knowledge that someone believes I'm worth it. That I'm not a loser.

"Love you, pet." The whisper in my ear makes me realise she's not the only one who is convinced of that. I'm loved.

"Love you too." Completely.

A kiss seals it, my fate. I won't be easy, but I'll get there in the end.

I'll be the man I always wanted to be, sure of himself. I am convinced of that.

I wish I could tell you we lived happily ever after, but this is no fairy tale. In fact, we got attacked by a pack of vampires not half an hour later. But that is a different story, one I might tell you someday.

~Fin~