Come Back My Dreams
Do you know what a heart breaking sounds like? I do....
It was all going so well. I had a job I loved and was good at. I had friends that loved and accepted me. I had a lover who was everything I ever wanted.
That all came crashing down tonight.
Did you know that the most powerful sound is not silence, but a door slamming?
When I met Wil...Spike, I hated him. I hated the way he talked, I hated that bad things happened when he was around. I hated what he stood for, what he was. Most of all, I hated what he made me see in myself.
Do you think that it's easy to live this way?
When I finally stopped hating him, hating myself, I realized something. I realized that I had been living a lie my whole life. I realized that it isn't what other people believe, but what you know. But no matter how much you know that, no matter how intimately you embrace yourself...a lover...a new life, it will never be enough.
Did you think I -wanted- to lie to you?
We've had three wonderful years together. With him, I've grown, I've changed. If I've changed for better or worse depends on who you ask.
Why do you hate me so much?
Three years. It seems so short, but it's felt like an eternity. It hurts me that I wasn't able to be more open, more honest. But Wil understands. He knows what it's like. More than most, I'd venture to say.
I was only...
He didn't mind. He knew that I had to hide, that I had to live the lie. Not for myself anymore, but for them. No matter how much has gone bad between us, they were the ones who took care of me, gave me life. Now....now, they've taken all that away.
I'm so sorry. I know it's not enough, but I'm so sorry.
And it was such a simple thing too. Such a damned stupid, simple thing. I didn't hide one of Wil's letters well enough. It was my favourite one he wrote me. He may think he's a 'bloody awful poet', but he sings to my heart and whispers to my dreams.
It's all shattered now.
Mom came in to put my clothes away. Why she even bothered, I'll never know. Maybe it was one of those rare times that my smile seemed a little too bright to them. Or maybe it was because I had gotten to the point that I could look them (and anyone else) in the eye and lie. Lie so pretty that they heard what they wanted to hear and smiled at me...such a nice smile....
Ashes and dust.
I came home from work to find mom and dad on the couch. They asked me to sit down. They seemed a little too...concentrated. She threw the letter in my face. Demanded to know 'What the fuck this filth' was doing in her house. And I went numb.
Why can't I feel anything?
I told them the truth. I finally stopped the lying, the pretty smiles, the silent weeping in my heart. I told them that I was in love. I told them that he made me feel like me. That I was finally who I was meant to be.
Why can't I feel??
Mom started to cry again. It looked like she'd been doing that all day. She told me I broke her heart. Dad asked if there was any chance that I'd be willing to change, to fix the mess I'd made.
Why???
I told him I couldn't. I told him that this is who I am. I told them I'm sorry. I told them that I never meant to hurt them. He just looked at me and told said, "You're no son of mine. I don't think I've ever been hurt more than I am right now."
They told me that they weren't going to throw me out, but as soon as I had enough money, I should leave.
That's when the sound of my heart breaking: the sound of their door slamming shut and my mother's muffled tears made my entire world crumble.
I ran. I left a note and told them I didn't feel right staying there that night. That I should be back in a few days. I ran to Wil. He held me, soothed me, told me that no matter what I thought everything would be okay. He told me I still had him. He said no matter what anybody said, no matter what happens, I'll always have him.
I just held on to him tighter and cried.
I don't think I've stopped crying even though I have no more tears. I think I've stopped feeling, because everything is dark and cold and why won't they love me?
Why?
~Fin~*Authors Notes:
This story was based on real events. I hope that none of you have to experience this or anything like it. If you do, please remember, there are always those of us out there that understand. We don't judge you or try to make you change anything about yourself or your life you don't want change. We've been there, we understand how much just having someone to listen can help. Above all, keep this in your heart: There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are just the way you're supposed to be. It's not going to be easy, but you will always have support from others like you. Like me.
Blessed be.