Commitment
by Meredith
He sat in front of his computer and stared at the blank email. There was no one in the To: field, or the Subject: field, or the body. Just a blank page waiting to be given a purpose to exist. Ten minutes ago it was addressed to Anya, a long letter filling up the now empty white space in the middle. But he erased her name, erased her letter, and just stared. He needed someone to talk to.
The past few years were spent talking to Anya. She'd try to listen to him and nod her head in all the right places, but how could he expect her to really listen if he never actually said anything? Their break up came as no surprise. The closer it came to their wedding, the more they felt they weren't meant to be together. Then one night while they were making love, she just stopped and started crying. He held her and stroked her hair, asking what was wrong. With one question, all their doubts and worries came to fruition.
"Is it possible to love someone and not be in love with them?"
They did the only thing they could and called off the wedding. Within a week Xander moved into another apartment, paying off three months on his old one so that Anya could live comfortably. His new apartment was a little larger than the old one, but so far had only a bed, TV, computer and kitchen table in it. He'd eaten out for every meal and tried to spend as much time at the Magic Box or working as possible.
He was Union now, and making a very comfortable amount of money, but still hadn't managed to get himself furniture to fill the empty rooms. If he did that, it would make it all too real for him. It wasn't that he regretted breaking up with her, but he missed her company. He missed the way she rolled the toothpaste from the bottom, and wrote cute little letters on the bathroom mirror that showed up when he showered. He missed another body moving around with him, and the noises she made when she slept.
*Empty rooms, empty letters. I wish I had someone to talk to.* Xander picked up his jacket and stake and walked out the door. It was late at night, or early in the morning depending on your point of view, and he headed aimlessly away from his building. The past few weeks had given him time to think about his life and where it was heading. He was finally doing something he loved and was good at, and he was making lots of money, but he was lonely. He'd been lonely for years, actually for as long as he could remember. There were periods where he wasn't feeling lonely, and most of them revolved around Willow and Buffy, but his life was still missing something very important. Or someone.
He walked through the cemetery with his head down and didn't see the Vampire until it was too late. "Bloody Hell Whelp! Watch where you're walking! You could have been KILLED!" Both men were knocked to the ground by the impact of walking blindly into each other.
"Me? What about you? There was definitely mutual zoning out going on."
Spike stood first and offered his hand to Xander, pulling him to his feet.
"Yeah, well, I've got a lot on my mind." Xander turned and started to walk away from him. "Hey! Wait a minute. Are you alright? You look worse than me."
The two men regarded each other. Both looked tired and frustrated, and extremely distant. "I'm okay. Got any beer?"
"Yeah mate. Come on."
They walked to Spike's crypt and down into his lair in silence. He had a small fridge that held several containers of blood, and twice as much beer. He handed one to Xander and took a packet of blood and a beer for himself. After warming the blood, they sat in silence and drank, the weight of the world on both of them.
"Sorry to hear about you and your bird."
Xander was about to lash out at Spike for daring to even mention it when he caught a hint of something behind those blue eyes. There was pain radiating and pulsing from older man at the volume of a scream, and just as fast he saw it, it was gone. "Thanks. Sorry about Buffy."
Spike winced when he realised Xander knew what happened with him and the blond Slayer. He assumed she was keeping him her dirty little secret. Her worn out and tossed aside useless dirty little secret. "Didn't know you knew mate."
Xander shrugged and threw back another swig of the cold beer. "She was pretty freaked out after sleeping with you, and said she was gonna end it. I didn't take her seriously, but then you stopped showing up so I figured she meant it."
"Yeah. She meant it. Had Red revoke my invitation, put a spell on Dawn that let Buffy know if she set foot in the cemetery, and just ignored me. Didn't even give me the benefit of breaking up with me. Guess it would've help if we'd been dating. But still! Chit's got no bloody manners."
They finished off their first beers and moved on to a second round. Xander looked around him at the little apartment Spike had. It was furnished and actually rather comfortable.
"I didn't know all this was down here. I thought you were just sleeping on that coffin upstairs."
"Was. But when Buffy, you know, was gone, Dawn started spending a lot of time here. So I made it more comfy to make her more comfy. And anyway, I didn't always live in burnt out factories and crypts and dank old mansions. Used to live in some bloody fantastic places!" Spike smiled at a private memory and tossed back the rest of his beer. "So what about you? Heard you have a new place?"
"Yeah. I'm down on Birch Street. Big place. Big rooms. Lots of space. Bigger than my old place even." Xander was rambling and Spike did nothing to stop him. "Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, full kitchen and living room, and a small dining room. Rent's good, neighbours are good, don't have any furniture though."
They drank the rest of their beers in silence, each dwelling on their own private angst. Spike realised what a bunch of losers they were acting like, and laughed to spite himself.
"What's so funny bloodbreath?"
"This! You. Me. Acting like a couple of losers. Brooding over women. It 's just, at least before Nibblet would come and visit me, and I thought I was becoming one of you. But I'll never fit in. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I'm a very social creature, unlike others like me. I miss the company. And I can't figure out why I stick around here. Know what I mean?"
Xander felt Spike spoke what was in his own heart. That, coupled with the fact that he was wallowing in an ocean of self pity had him on the verge of tears. He held them back and nodded yes at the Vampire.
"You're not the only one. We both know I don't really belong there with them either. And, well, it's kinda lonely in my apartment. But you're right, we're nothing but losers."
The boy's words touched him. He was over 100 years old, and a year of self loathing here or there came with the territory. But this young man had spent his entire life believing he was worthless.
"I said we're *acting* like losers. We're not though. There's a lot of good in you Alexander Harris, and I don't mean just the 'fight's evil' kinda good. I feel sorry for them, not us. Cause they're the ones that don't know what they're missing."
"Oh thank you old wise one." He laughed a little and grabbed another beer. "Whatever you say Spike."
---
As time passed, the two of them began to seek out each other's company a few times a week. They'd drink and talk, or watch sports, or complain about women, until Xander was smashed. Spike always held back, not because he was worried about himself, but because he was worried about the boy. He'd follow Xander as he stumbled to his apartment and watch until he saw the lights go on. Then he'd run to his crypt, making it to it's dark safety moments before the sun rose.
As the weeks flew by, their complaints about the fairer sex veered away from brooding and crying over the unfairness of love, and towards things like "Don't you hate it when she doesn't have enough suction in her mouth to sip the water from a straw, never mind give a decent blow job?" They were developing the kind of friendship Xander had never experienced, and Spike had missed.
Even Willow noticed a change in her friend. She tried bringing it up several times, but just as she'd start, Xander would interrupt her for fear that she's have some accusations or problems with his time spent with the Vampire. She only wanted to tell him she liked the changes in him. He was more self-assured, centred, and seemingly happier. She knew he had been spending time with Spike all along, and couldn't help but be happy with the results.
It was obvious that some of Spike's more desirable traits were rubbing off on him. It was as if he had a role model, for lack of a better word. She knew that he'd never had a strong male roll in his life. His father was never there for him. When Giles came into their lives, Xander had looked up to the man, but they never had the kind of relationship he needed.
But with Spike, his masculinity was being fed. He finally had someone to talk to that could understand some of his problems. He had someone to sit around and drink beer with while watching sports. They could burp and fart and scratch their asses in testosterone driven displays of manliness.
She decided to back off and let Xander deal with it on his own. And when the time was right and he was more secure with his new friendship, she'd try talking with him again. But until that day, she'd add him to her prayers, asking that he be happy in all aspects of his life.
---
"Hey Whelp! I've got an extra ticket to the Lakers game this weekend. Wanna go?" Spike held two colourful strips of paper in front of him, offering them to Xander.
The young man was suspicious of the Vampire's intentions. He wondered if Willow or Buffy had told him he was turning 21 on Saturday. But when he gave it a moment of thought, he doubted his own suspicions, since no one seemed to remember anyway.
They had talked about going to see a game in LA, so he allowed himself to assume there was no ulterior motive. He couldn't help that his nature involved being suspicious of people making fun of him, and setting him up to look like a fool. But so far, Spike's friendship seemed very genuine. He hoped this weekend would prove him right.
"Sure bloodbreath. But it's an early game." He noticed the start time was 7pm, which mean they couldn't drive there that day.
"I know We'll head to LA the night before and stay in a seedy cheap motel. Sound good?"
"Yeah, actually that sounds great!" Xander smiled and began looking forward to the weekend.
---
It seemed to take forever, but it was finally Friday night. Xander had a small duffel bag at his side, money in his pocket, and he was ready to leave. Not long after the sun set, Spike pulled up outside the apartment and honked his horn.
Xander ran down and jumped into the convertible without opening the door "Let's get out of here."
Spike heard the anger and tension in the boy's voice, but knew he needed his space. They drove for the first hour in silence, broken occasionally by a quiet grunt coming from the passenger side of the care. When they were half-way to LA, Spike pulled off at a rest stop and parked the car. They sat quietly for a few moments, until Xander was ready to speak.
He spoke calmly and in monotones, his voice trying to hide emotion. Instead, it screamed with sorrow and anger. "Willow told Buffy I was going to LA with you for the game, and she completely wigged out. She stormed over to my apartment, demanded I let her in, told me I was a fool for hanging out with you. Then Willow comes in and gets all psychoanalytical on me. Saying you're some kind of role model or some shit like that. Can you believe it? Buffy looked like she was going to rush out and stake you! I said we were just friends, hanging out and going to the game. Willow has to turn it into some life event, and Buffy tries to tell me I'm crazy. And on top of it all, they made fun of the serious lackage of furniture in my place, and then didn't even care enough to remember. When they finally left, Willow just said, 'Try to have fun', and Buffy said, 'I'll kill him if he tries anything with you.'"
Xander bit his bottom lip and held back the tears that stung his eyes. Spike was incensed. He really did like the boy, and knew he didn't need someone to feed his depression.
"What is it they didn't care enough about to remember pet?"
"Nothing," he grumbled. "It's not important. Can we just go?" He was growing impatient. He wanted to feel the night air in his eyes again. Just in case a tear did slip past, he could blame it on grit in the wind.
"On one condition. You don't think or talk about them any more this weekend. Leave them behind. Come on! We're gonna have a bloody fantastic time! Those Laker Girls are definitely something to write home about." Spike wagged his eyebrows suggestively and smiled at the boy.
Xander couldn't help but smile back. The thought of watching all those sweaty athletes playing their hearts out really excited him. And those Laker Girls weren't bad either! "Fine. Deal. Can we please go now?"
Spike pulled out and put his Sex Pistols CD in the player. They listened to the music the rest of the way to the City of Angels.
---
When they arrived, Xander asked where they were going to stay. "I don't want to spend all my cash on the room."
Spike pulled up next to a beat-up seedy motel. It reminded Xander of the place Faith had lived in, only much worse. "Here we are mate. I'll go get our key. Wait by the car, okay?"
Xander frowned and nodded yes. It seemed like the appropriate place to be on his 21st birthday.
"Alright! Here's the key, so get back in the car." Xander assumed they were going to drive the car to the parking spot closest to their room. But when the headed back onto the street, he was confused.
"Um Spike, I know you're dead and all, but I'm not and I need to pee. You mind if we settle into our room before we head out?"
"Nope. I don't mind at all. And as soon as we get there you can piss all you need."
"So then where the hell are we going?"
Spike laughed hard. "Don't tell me you thought we were staying in THAT roach motel!"
Xander opened and closed his mouth several times before answering. "Well, you did say you were heading in for the key!"
"I lied. There's our hotel."
Spike pointed down the block to a large, beautiful building. An American flag flew to the left of the door, and a blue and gold flag flew to the right. The blue flag had an emblem on it that read Wyndham Checkers.
"Spike!" he whined. "I can't afford that place! Those rooms are like $200 and up a night!"
"That's not your concern. The room is already booked and paid for. It's not every day you turn 21." He looked straight into the stunned young man's eyes and winked.
"Okay. Who'd you kill to get the cash to do this?" He didn't really want to know the answer but knew he wouldn't be able to enjoy himself unless he knew the truth.
"Why is it you and everyone always assume I do everything black market? I do have dosh of my own, I don't use it cause it's much more fun to extort it from your lot."
They pulled up to the door and were greeted by a bellhop and valet Spike opened the trunk and handed over his keys before walking inside with Xander at his side.
"So then why do you live in that crypt?"
"Why haven't you bought any furniture?"
"Oh." He began to understand. Buying furniture would just make living alone too real, and he guessed staying in a crypt made it easier for Spike to be in denial about why he was still in Sunnydale.
He'd never stayed anyplace so chic before. They were given their keycards and led to their room. It was a suite with two king sized beds, a big screened TV, full size stocked bar, Jacuzzi, living room and other countless amenities.
"So they told you. I guess that whole thing before we left was just an act." He assumed that Buffy and Willow had let slip it was his birthday at some time.
"They didn't tell me anything. I, um, went through your wallet a couple of weeks ago and saw your Driver's License. Now go use the bathroom already! I wanna go out and have a drink." Spike put his small cooler in fridge. It contained three packets of blood surrounded by ice packs.
Xander was stunned that Spike had done this all on his own. He was also worried about what else was to come. A ritzy hotel, Lakers tickets, and now dinner. Maybe this wasn't going to be a shitty 21st Birthday.
While Xander used the bathroom, Spike stood behind the antique dressing screen and quickly changed his clothes. He washed his face in the kitchenette sink, not needing to use the mirrors the bathroom sported. When Xander walked out, he was once again surprised speechless. Spike wore simple black leather pants that were skin tight around his waist and buttocks, but finished in a more relaxed fit as they swam down his legs. Those legs ended in a pair of loafers that perfectly complimented the ensemble. He'd replaced his old white tee-shirt with a cream coloured turtleneck shirt that hugged his features, showing off his perfect six-pack. Xander's breath caught in his throat. Spike was absolutely gorgeous, and it made him very uncomfortable.
Obviously, wherever he planned to take them, he was seriously underdressed in his fleece pullover, jeans and sneakers. He looked at himself and cringed. He could tell exactly what the night would bring. They'd go to some bar or club, and every woman in the place would drool over the man with the sexy body and perfect blue eyes. He, on the other hand, would be lucky to be let in those clubs, and if he were, he'd end up sitting on a bar stool nursing a warm beer all night.
"Solid or liquid?" Spike waited for his friend to answer him, but Xander didn't catch his meaning.
"Solid dinner, as in food, or liquid dinner, as in booze? You pick. I'm good either way. Oh! And before you ask and make everything all uncomfortable, you're not spending a cent this weekend. Not on food, drink, entrance fees, the pair of tight leather jeans I plan to pour you into, or anything." As he spoke, he counted off his list on his fingers. "And there's no room for discussion. Am I perfectly clear?"
"Yeah, but..."
Spike held out his hand and said, "No buts! This isn't up for discussion Harris. So once again, am I perfectly clear?"
"Yes. Perfectly clear." He rushed through the next part. "But I need to change! I'm seriously underdressed here, but I don't have anything on par with what you're wearing."
"No, you weren't listening. Let me repeat. Not on food, drink, entrance fees, *the pair of tight leather jeans I plan to pour you into*, or anything. We're going clothes shopping. I see you in rich jewel tones. But first dinner. Solid or liquid?"
Xander blushed, and for some reason that sent a warm flush through Spike's body. "Solid. Micky D's works for me!"
With a deep sigh, Spike stared at him. "I think not Pet. Come on." He led his friend into the hotel restaurant and told him to order anything he'd like.
Xander felt like they were both on display, and for all the reasons he feared. Every man and woman stopped what they were doing and stared at them as they made their way to their table. Spike moved as if the air around him propelled him forward, and sex dripped from his body. Xander walked slightly hunched over and knew everyone was wondering what a loser like him was doing with such a gorgeous man at his side. He ordered steak, cooked medium well, with mashed potatoes, corn and a salad.
Spike ordered the same, but specified his steak be rare. "And I do mean rare luv, as in blow the nose and wipe the ass rare." The waitress smiled and took their order, returning shortly with a bottle of red wine and a basket of bread.
Xander was unbelievably self-conscious and extremely quiet as they waited for their dinner to come. He picked at his salad, not being one to really go for the green leafy food group. He noticed Spike had done the same, and found himself marvelling at the fact that this Vampire still enjoyed food. Spike was always stuffing something down his throat. And he liked to watch Spike eat. The Vampire seemed to be trying to capture something from any food that passed his lips. He'd chew for a while, and when he swallowed, his Adam's apple would bob up and down, as it was doing right now.
His mind registered a very hushed "Hello....." coming from somewhere in the room. That's when he realised he'd been staring at Spike, who had stopped nibbling on his salad.
"Xander, are you in there?"
"What? Oh! I'm sorry. Just thinking."
"Really? It that what they call it now-a-days? And I thought you were flirting with me."
"Fl-flirting? Me? W-w-with you?"
"Don't get your knickers all twisted. I'm not making fun of you. And you don't have to tell me what you were doing. But, if that was flirting..." Instead of finishing his sentence, Spike winked at him. At that exact moment, the waitress arrived with their plates in her hands.
"Medium well for you sir, and still mooing for you. Can I get you anything else?"
"I'm fine. Xander?"
He nodded no and stared at the food before him. It looked delicious. The waitress moved away from their table and Xander immediately dug into the potatoes. They were delicious. He remembered that Mrs. Summers used to make them like this. A few years ago, she served them for Thanksgiving, and he'd asked her how she made them.
"Oh they're easy. You just put the peeled potatoes through the ricer, and then add chicken broth, crushed garlic, salt and white pepper. Then you put in LOTS of butter, and they come out really good." He still missed her. Besides being a good cook, she was a stabilising influence in Buffy's life, and, CRUSHED GARLIC!
Through a mouth full of potatoes, Xander practically screamed, "SPIKE! WAIT!" But it was a second too late. The fork the Vampire was holding deposited a large scoop of potatoes directly into his mouth, immediately causing a small wisp of smoke to rise. Spike stood quickly, his chair flying out from behind him, and spit the contents of his mouth onto the table. The pain was instant, and his features began to shift uncontrollably. Xander poured his glass of water onto one of the linen napkins and pressed it to Spike's mouth and face, cooling the burning sensation and effectively hiding the bumps and groves that had formed.
The waitress ran over and tried to help, asking to know what had happened.
"He'll be okay, he just choked. Can you pack up this food and send it to our room? 416. Thanks." He pulled Spike out of the restaurant and to the bank of elevators. When they were alone inside the small metal room, he pulled the cloth away from Spike's face.
His bottom lip was burnt slightly, looking more like a sunburn than anything else. Inside his mouth was already healing. But Spike's demon features remained, his eyes storming with anger and embarrassment.
When the got to the room, Spike walked to the bed and swiftly kicked it, muttering under his breath. Xander pulled out a packet of cold blood and poured it into a wine glass from the bar. He carried it to Spike and offered the drink. Spike was struck by the scene that played out before him. He knew Xander couldn't begin to imagine what it meant for him to offer blood like that. When Buffy had done it, it hadn't meant anything because they were under a spell. But this simple act of friendship tied them together with a bond. Xander was offering him the sustenance of his life.
He took the wine glass and tried to smile. The blood was cold, but felt good on the minor burns in his mouth. "I'm sorry I ruined your dinner."
"It's okay, not your fault. And did you just apologise?"
"Bloody garlic! I should have checked first. Thanks for trying to warn me."
"And now you're thanking me? Who are you and what did you do with Spike?"
The Vampire smiled and his demon face slipped away just as room service brought their dinners. "Go ahead and eat Pet, then we'll go to the mall and get you some clothes."
Xander tried to hold back his grin, but failed miserably. He tasted the steak and couldn't find any trace of garlic in the marinate, so he cut a large rare chunk and walked over to Spike. "It's good. Why don't you try?" He held the fork out to him.
Spike didn't take the fork, but allowed Xander to feed him without thought to how his gesture might seem. Both men were taken back as Xander placed the fork in his mouth. Their eyes locked and warning bells went off in Spike's mind. Friendly teasing and games like this could easily get out of hand and turn into something much more. It wasn't that he was against moving his friendship with Xander up a notch, but the boy didn't seem like a switch hitter, and their friendship was too important to screw up with misunderstandings and messy feelings. At least, he figured so for the time being. He needed to do something to break the tension fast.
"GAH!" Spike began coughing and his eyes went wide. Xander panicked!! He'd obviously missed some trace of garlic and threw the fork across the room. He ran to the bar to get some ice when he heard Spike laughing. The Vampire was doubled over pointing at Xander. "Got ya!"
"You stupid prick! You scared the fuck out of me!" His words were laced with laughter and relief. The moments before were getting too close to something romantic and he was starting to freak out. Obviously Spike sensed it too, and found the perfect way to break the spell.
"Had to do something boy; it looked like you were about to kiss me." Spike winked and grabbed his own dinner.
Xander felt a twang of hurt at Spike's non-existent interest in kissing him, but immediately filed that though and pain away. He didn't want to deal with it or anything it implied.
---
Spike took him to the mall and they shopped for less than an hour. They were on a mission and neither had any desire to spend any more time than absolutely necessary in the shopper packed building. They started with Xander's pants, getting him a pair similar to Spike's. They were basic black leather, skin-tight enough to show off his muscular build, but not so tight that he felt restricted. From there he tried several shirts, all in rich jewel tones. He picked out one shirt in a deep blue and walked to meet Spike at the register.
He like the look and feel of all the shirts Spike had him try on, but was determined to pick just one. Sitting on the counter was every shirt he'd tried on that looked good, and they'd all be rung in and folded.
"Spike, what's all this? I only wanted this blue shirt."
"I know, but they all looked good on you. Listen. With those leather pants, you can wear any of these shirts. So Happy Birthday, and just say 'Thank You.'"
"Thanks Spike." Xander beamed.
The store employee regarded the two men before him. He yelled into the store, "Hey Chris! Why don't you ever spoil me? When is it MY special day?"
From across the room, a man answered him, "What are you talking about? Every day is 'Paul Day'!"
Paul turned back to Xander. "Honey, hold on to this one. He's a real keeper!"
"Oh! We're not, I mean, I'm not, um, oh, Spike and I are just friends!"
Spike was having too much fun watching Xander flounder and decided to tease him just a little. "Love, you don't need to pretend in front of Paul and Chris." Turning to Paul, he wrapped his arm around Xander and said, "He's so shy."
Xander felt a flutter in his stomach and liked it. He decided that he could play this game too, and squeezed into Spike. "Yeah, that's me! The shy one." He leaned over and gave Spike a peck on the cheek.
Spike immediately turned towards Xander. He traced the younger man's surprised-shaped mouth with his fingers. Deciding his point was better made without words, he picked up their packages and walked out of the store.
As they walked to the car, Spike's mind dwelled on the way he and Xander had been teasing each other since arriving in LA. He knew the boy wasn't stupid or blind, and hoped his message got through to him without too much confusion. He liked him. He could see them together as a couple. He could fall in love with the dark-eyed man very easily.
Xander's thoughts danced around the same, but this was all too new to him. He wanted to read a lot into Spike's touches, and then immediately changed his mind. He did not want to read a lot into Spike's touching and teasing. If the Vampire had the hots for him, it was all better left unsaid and unfulfilled. The complications of a romance between them were just too great.
---
They went to a bar a drank for a few hours. Xander was very quiet thinking about Spike. And himself. And the two of them. Together. He didn't know how he would survive the weekend.
The both worked very hard to make the rest of their night as uneventful as possible. When the finally crawled into the separate beds at 4:00 am, they turned their backs to each other and slept fitfully.
Xander dreamt Spike had crawled into bed with him. Their skin pressed together and his heart raced. Spike's lips were soft and cool, and dotted little kisses along his neck and face. When their lips met, he could taste blood and beer, and deepened their contact, drinking in the Vampire's unique elixir.
The growing sensations between his legs rubbed against Spike, and they both moaned into each other. He called out, "Oh God, Spike!"
At the sound of his voice, Xander woke up. He was sweaty and throbbing, his breath coming in short bursts. It was now 9:00 am and Spike was lying perfectly still in his own bed. Xander was extremely relieved when he realised the Vampire slept through his dream. But when he moved, he noticed the throbbing between his legs was gone because he was spent, not calming down. His shorts were wet and sticky inside, and he moved to the bathroom as quietly as possible.
When the door closed, Spike opened one eye just enough to see a little. He was alone. The room smelled musty and warm. His Vampire senses overloaded with Xander's scent. He was hard and wanted to crawl into his friends bed and wait for him to return.
When Xander finally opened the door, he took Spike by surprise. They stared at each other for a moment before he climbed back into bed. Without saying a word, they went back to sleep.
Later that afternoon, Xander woke to the feel of pressure on his body. When he opened his eyes, they met and gazed into the two most perfect blue eyes he'd ever seen. Spike was under the covers and lying on his body.
"I know it's your Birthday Luv, but it's my turn for a gift." He dipped his head down to Xander's and brushed his lips against him softly. He didn't know how Xander would react, but hoped it would be with acceptance and reciprocation. He decided to continue tasting those full lips even though Xander made no outward move. He could feel him grow hard against his leg, and pressed his own erection down.
Xander seemed to come to and realise that this wasn't a dream. His body tensed for a brief moment, just before he parted his lips giving Spike access. The Vampire tasted better than he imagined. Swirling their tongues, they moaned gently and wrapped their arms around each other. Spike was gentle and tentative with his attentions. Xander assumed it was to keep him from freaking out, which he appreciated.
Spike shifted them until they were on their sides facing each other. He slid his leg between Xander's and pressed into him, eliciting moan. They rocked together, shifting pressure back and forth. Xander was overexcited, so Spike pulled back slowly until the young man in his arms began to calm down. "Time to get up, luv."
Xander wrapped his arms around him and held on tight. "Don't wanna. Wanna stay here."
The innocence and desire in his eyes would have made Spike's heart skip a beat if it could. He leaned back in and kissed him more, moulding their forms together.
"We can't, remember? Laker's game?" With a kiss or ten more, Spike pulled out of Xander's embrace and walked to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Xander could hear the shower running, and was completely confused by what had just happened. He wondered if Spike had left him alone so he could think in privacy about those kisses, and what was to come next.
But then he realised that Spike wasn't really interested in him at all. He just wanted to get him all worked up and walk away, leaving him with a bad case of blue balls. The knowledge that he was being used again saddened him deeply.
Spike was never one for long showers, and finished quickly. He walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, his eyes resting on Xander. The young man was in full on brood mode, and waves of depression and anger were radiating off of him. At first, the Vampire looked around to see what had upset his friend so badly. Then he realised he was the cause.
Walking over to the bed, he sat down next to Xander and embraced him. "Listen to me. I'm interested. Very much interested. But we need to take this slow Pet. Just because we snogged doesn't mean we need to jump into bed and make love. You're not ready for that, and to be perfectly honest, neither am I. Holding you while wearing nothing but a towel is more than I was ready to do, but I do have feelings for you. Do you understand?"
Xander looked at Spike and thought for a moment. He did understand. It wasn't necessary to immediately jump into bed and shag each other senseless, especially not if they were to build anything worth having between them. "I get it." With a genuine smile, Xander kissed the man cradling him, pulling back only once he needed to breath.
"Good! Happy 21st Birthday Luv! Now get dressed, game starts in 1/2 hour!"
---
The game was fantastic! The Lakers whipped the Suns, both men were filled to bursting with nachos and hot dogs and pretzels and soda and chips, and both were sporting brand new Laker's pull-overs, courtesy of Spike. When a truly amazing play happened, they'd rise and scream and holler, and always end up hugging each other. Xander kept wishing for more awesome plays, just so he could hold Spike close for another all too brief moment.
At one point during the game, Spike had been approached by a very beautiful woman. She gave him line after line, trying to get into Xander's seat and Spike's pants. Spike politely told her he was not interested, but thank you for the compliment. She refused to leave, insisting on trying to displace Xander more forcefully. Spike tried telling her he was happily taken, at which she pointed out that his girlfriend wasn't there, so it shouldn't be an issue. As a last ditch attempt to regain the peace and comfort of their seats, Spike growled at the woman and explained that while any girlfriend he might have had wasn't there, his boyfriend was. He pulled Xander close and kissed him deeply.
Several voices raised in cheer at the same sex couple playing tonsil hockey down front. Several others raised in protest, yelling things like, "You're too young to look son! Turn away!" When they finally broke the kiss, Xander was completely flushed. It wasn't for another five minutes that he remembered what had prompted their lip lock, and five minutes beyond that when he finally caught sight of the woman sitting in a seat lower down from them, that had obviously been previously occupied.
They staggered back into the hotel room, arms laden with pennants and gift shop items. Xander dropped everything on his bed and started discussing his favourite plays. But before he could get 20 words out, Spike spun him around and kissed him deeply. "Now, I expect that you'd want me to respect any limits or boundaries you place on this thing between us, like how far we'd go and what we'd do, right?"
Xander nodded in agreement.
"May I ask you to have the same level of respect for my limits and boundaries?"
This caught Xander completely by surprise. He never dreamt that Spike had limits and boundaries, but could definitely promise to respect them. He told Spike so before sinking back into the smaller man's embrace.
Spike mumbled something between kisses that Xander couldn't understand. After asking what he'd said, Spike repeated, "Hot tub." There was a large Jacuzzi in the corner of the room. Xander began filling it with hot water.
Once it was ready, the men began to strip. When they were down to their underwear, Spike stopped them. "Remember those limits and boundaries? This is one of them."
He pulled a pair of boxer shorts from his luggage, and a second pair from Xander's. Walking behind the changing screen, Spike slipped out of his briefs and into the boxers. Afterwards, he sunk down into the luxurious water, beckoning for Xander to join him. Once they were both changed and soaking in the hot swirling water, Spike pulled them close together, running wet fingers over Xander's back and arms.
"So Pet, what exactly is it that we're doing?"
"Um, tubbin'?" He leaned back into Spike's arms and sighed contentedly.
"Ok, so have you given much thought to the fact that we're tubbing?"
"Mmmm, nope! Just tubbin'."
Spike released him and scooted out from behind, settling next to Xander. Smiling, he traced the muscular young man's pecks, his fingers dancing over hard nipples and down to his taught stomach.
"I want you to think about it Pet." He pulled his hands away and moved to the opposite side of the tub. Leaning his head back on the rim, he stared at the ceiling waiting for Xander to either smile or run.
Xander knew he was being asked this for a reason, and he wanted to please Spike. So, he thought about the fact that he was tubbing with Spike, aka William the Bloody. The soulless Vampire that had numerous times tried to kill him and his friends. Same soulless Vampire that chained Buffy and Dru together in a dungeon. Same soulless Vampire that sold them out to Adam. Same soulless Vampire with a chip in his head that stopped him from hurting humans, except Buffy. But Buffy wasn't dead or undead. Same soulless Vampire that had changed in the past couple of years into, what?
Spike bent over backwards again and again, trying to be helpful and prove his thirst for redemption was real. He loved Dawn unconditionally, watching her like she was his daughter. He loved Buffy once upon a time, until Buffy crushed him so violently and viciously that there was no hope of return. Ever.
So what was Spike right now? Besides wet and glistening and unfathomably gorgeous with all those right angles and chiselled features. Oh yeah. Soulless Chipped Vampire. And his friend. More?
More? That would assume Xander was, that word. Like Willow. Gay? Bi? Okay. He could accept that. His attractions had never been cemented to the fairer sex, rather fluctuating depending on the person. He had a thing for Angel once. Of course, he never told anyone that was why Angel's changing into Angelus effected him so much. They just thought he hated him passionately. More like, he was mortally wounded.
But what about Spike? His heart raced when he thought about him. He wanted him. But to have him would change everything. If they slept together, he'd have to tell Buffy and Willow and Dawn, and then deal with the aftermath. Or they could just run away together.
No, his friends were important, even if they treated him like a door mat sometimes.
Ok, so no running away. Not from his friends, Spike, or himself. Gay. Yep. Zeppo was gay. Explains a lot, doesn't it?
"Thought about it. Want you."
"Still? You're sure? Because I'm still not." He smiled sadly at the young man and sighed. "I can't do this again. I can't release my heart to someone just to have it destroyed. I once said to Buffy and Angel that I was love's bitch. I meant it. I'm never happier than when I'm in love. I'm also never hurt deeper than when that love dies. You could plunge hundreds of dull stakes through my body, never touching my heart so I'm forced to feel the excruciating pain, and it wouldn't touch the anguish I feel when my heart breaks.
"Alexander LaVelle Harris, I do want you. But, I'll fall for you. And you know me, in for a penny, in for a pound! I fall this time, and it's eternal. Because I don't ever want to do this again. I won't turn you, losing you to old age would be an honour, knowing I could be with you 'til your natural death. I'm looking for the love of a lifetime.
"I'm probably scaring you to death, but if I don't make my intentions clear now, later may be too late. Now, like I said, I *could* fall for you. So we do have some time to play here. But if we play, it's with the intention of a future between us. I won't be your fucktoy, your experiment. In fact, I won't share your bed until I know it's the right time for both of us. Not tonight.
"I'm putting all my trust in you, because you could destroy me."
Xander understood every single word Spike said. He still wanted it, Spike, them, but they would take it slow. Very very slow. He moved across the tub until he was directly in front of his Vampire. "In for a penny, in for a pound." Leaning forward, they kissed sweetly, pouring all their emotions forth. "My boyfriend, the Vampire."
Spike chuckled and wrapped his arms around Xander. They snogged a bit more before settling next to each other, breathing in the steam from the water. Xander never thought he'd have to be on the 'reassuring' end of a relationship, but Spike had been hurt. Really bad. He closed his fingers over Spike's, and they soaked, holding hands and smiling.
---
"Why don't you come upstairs with me?" Xander stood outside Spike's car and issued the invitation. Spike declined, saying it was best that he head back to his crypt. He'd see him when the sun went down again.
"You're always welcome, an open invitation to my place. Thanks for a wonderful weekend, and Birthday, and everything!" Xander leaned back into the car and kissed Spike before walking into his apartment.
Spike watched for the lights to go on and drove away. //Spike, you're getting in pretty deep! I hope you know what you're doing!//
---
They set into a rhythm of dating over the next five weeks. A few times a week, they'd pick each other up, or meet somewhere, and dance, or eat, or talk, or see movies, and hold hands every chance they had. Occasionally they'd go back to Xander's apartment and snog for a few hours, but the closest they'd physically been to each other had been that time in LA in the hot tub.
They'd just finished dinner and a movie and walked the stairs up to Xander's second story apartment. They'd bought furniture for the place, filling all the rooms except for one of the three bedrooms. One had been fully decorated as Xander's master bedroom, the second as an office, and the third was empty. Xander held on to the hope that it would become Spike's room one night, preferably not his bedroom, but his room to decorate in whatever way would make living together nicer for him.
They sat on the couch and watched the TV together, holding hands. 'In and Out' was playing, and Xander cheered at the end when the main character finally accepted he was gay. Spike grumbled, preferring to watch Demolition Man. "Now there are some hot men for you to drool over! All sweaty and muscular!"
"You know me Spike, I prefer the smaller build. What did you call it? Twinks! It's one of the many reasons I'm in love with you."
They both heard it the second Xander said it, but neither responded. In all the time they'd been together, the only time they discussed love was in LA, and that was in the future philosophical sense. Xander had recently been trying to slip it into their conversations in an unobtrusive way, but an opportunity hadn't presented itself until just then.
"Spike? I do, you know. Love you." He hit pause on the movie and they sat in the un-flickering light the television cast. They turned to face each other, knees bumping and fingers touching.
"I love you too Xander."
"Wow. I never thought I'd fall in love without having sex or anything. But here I am, very much in love with you."
Spike smiled. "I was hoping. I know this will probably sound strange, coming from a soulless Vampire, but I wanted you to love me before making love with me. Now, I still don't think I'm ready to jump into bed and shag all night, but I wouldn't mind staying over tonight if you'd let me."
Xander kissed him deeply, and they went back to the movie. That night, they crawled into their night clothes, and then under the covers of Xander's large bed. They held each other tight as they slept, and Spike slipped out and back to his crypt just before dawn. When Xander woke alone, he was hurt and angry, but remembered his promise to take things slow. Sighing, he got ready to go to work.
---
"Hey Wils! Got a moment?"
"Uh-hu! What's up?"
The two life long friends sat at a table in a less crowded part of The Bronze. She could tell he needed to talk, and was ecstatic that he was finally ready to come to her.
"I wanted to ask you some questions, but don't get all weirded out on me, okay?"
"Sure! Ask away. I love questions. Questions are good! Questions mean you're talking, and when you haven't talked in a long time, this is a good thing!" She was doing her patented Willow-babble, which made him think she had an idea of where their conversation was going.
"How did you know? At first, with Tara. I mean, did you know before you and her got together, or was it after, and how did you tell each other?"
All the changes she saw in him recently came together. She mentally chided herself for ignoring her gay-dar, and decided to leave him in complete control of their conversation. She'd only had Tara to discuss this stuff with, and would have liked to go to someone outside of that circle. She imagined this must be very hard for him, and put on her best 'I'm resolved to help' face.
"I thought about it before her, but not constantly. It was easy to be interested in boys. Then when I met Tara, we had this connection. I didn't fall in love with the fact that she was a girl, but with her. I don't think anyone should limit who they give their romantic love to by gender."
"So when did you first tell her you loved her?"
"Oh, that was after Oz came back. I had to choose between them. But between you and me, it wasn't really hard to choose. I'll always love Oz, but I'm in love with Tara."
Her words echoed the question Anya had asked him so long ago, about loving each other without being in love.
She continued. "When he smelled her on me, she thought he was going to kill her! But she got away."
"Smelled?"
Willow blushed deep crimson. "Well, we'd been together right before he showed up, and she smelled like me. You know, cause we had," she raised her eyebrows.
He understood and asked her if they had said they loved each other for the first time before or after they did it the first time. She confessed they said it after, but that she wished it had been before. In the beginning they had a lot of insecurity about why they were together. Was it love or sex?
Xander knew this was part of the reason he and Spike hadn't made love with each other in the beginning, but now that it was said he didn't understand why they still weren't making love. It had been almost two weeks since they confessed their deep feeling for each other, yet every single night he'd fall asleep in Spike's arms and wake up alone. If Spike was waiting for him to be sure about his feelings, then he was past the point of worry. He loved Spike with everything in him, completely.
"So does he have a name or is he just Xander's mystery boyfriend for now?"
He couldn't be surprised that he she figured out he was asking these questions because of his own change in sexual appetites. "Mystery Boyfriend works for me. For now." He told her about Spike, but kept anything that would associate this Mystery Boyfriend with his actual identity out of the discussions. He told her about the time they'd spent together, how happy he was, and how much in love they were. He finished off by casually mentioning they still hadn't had sex.
"Give him space and time! You're not the only one that needs to be ready, so does he. And when it's right, it will happen! Look at how long Oz and I dated before sleeping together. And Buffy and Angel! A-and you and Anya!"
"Bad example there Wils...Anya and I were having sex long before we gave any thought to being actual lovers."
"Just be patient Xander! It will happen when the time is right."
Standing just on the other side of a wall, out of sight but not earshot of the Witch and her friend, a man listened to their conversation. He was very pleased to hear Xander discuss his relationship with another person, and touched that he could tell Willow he was in love, but when he realised the Mystery Boyfriend's identity wasn't going to be revealed he was hurt. He walked out of the club as the young man and woman said goodnight, and headed towards Birch Street, his long black duster swaying with the night breeze.
The hurt Spike felt at being kept anonymous was nothing compared with the pride he had for Xander. The boy confessed his involvement with another man, and he knew that was a huge step! He'd step their relationship up another notch tonight, and hope that Xander would figure out what he wanted before he was too old to get it up anymore.
He made it to the apartment with moments to spare, and put on some soft music. Xander walked in and kissed him deeply.
"You'll never believe what I did tonight!"
"What's that luv?"
"I told Willow that I'm in love with you! Well, not exactly that, but I said I was in a relationship with a man, and that I loved him very much! And she didn't freak out or anything! She thought it was wonderful!"
"Why wouldn't it be? Come here."
They sat on the couch together and embraced, gentle teasing kisses becoming impassioned and rich. Whispering words of love to each other, Spike trailed his tongue down Xander's neck, swirling on his pulse point and nibbling on his ears. Xander was very sensitive in and around his ears, and would grow instantly hard when licked and kissed there. Spike concentrated his attention there as his lover shook with intense pleasure. He'd often do this to him, but would stop when Xander pushed him away, the feeling becoming too intense. But tonight, when Xander's heart was racing and his body shaking uncontrollably, Spike ran his hand down over Xander's bulge, deliberately stroking him for the first time.
Xander moaned loud as fingers touched and rubbed his erection. He reached out to reciprocate, but every time he tried Spike pushed his hands away. Once he stopped trying to touch back, Spike pulled the button under his fingers open and slid his hand inside, between jeans and briefs. He caressed the boy gently while blowing into his ear, feeling the cotton-covered flesh tremble and throb. He marvelled at Xander's size, feeling moisture collect in the cloth.
Xander babbled incoherently under Spike's touch, his hips rising off the couch. He wanted this so bad, wanted to feel Spike stroking and caressing him. But it was so close to being over! He tried to tell Spike to back off, but every time he pushed him away, he'd come back and stroke him harder and purr in his ear louder. When he felt Spike's nails gently drag over his cock, it sent him over the edge.
Spike pressed his thumb on the slit as Xander came, the hot liquid soaking through his shorts and wetting his hand. His own orgasm pulsed through his body at the same time. The last time he'd come without any touch was when he was a teenager, and the knowledge that this young man could evoke such strong passion in him shook him to the core.
Xander tried to reach into Spike's lap, but the Vampire stopped him. "No need luv, I already came. See what you do to me?"
In answer, Xander kissed him deeply.
They sat calming down for a while, before Spike got up.
"Where are you going?"
"Bathroom. Have to clean up luv. And then you should too. You have to be at work tomorrow and it's getting late." Spike disappeared behind the closed door and cleaned up as best as possible. When he was done, he waited in Xander's bed.
He left again just before dawn.
---
When Xander woke up the next morning, something seemed wrong. He couldn't place it, it was just a feeling that there was some danger near by. He dressed and called in sick to work. If there's one thing he learned from living on a Hellmouth and being friends with the Slayer, it was to follow his instincts. He walked to Buffy's house and knocked as Dawn left to catch a ride to school.
"Hey Xander! Congrats! Willow told me you're gay now! Woo Hoo! Can't talk, gotta run! It's Friday and the cafeteria has fake eggs and fake bacon for breakfast! BYE!"
She was in the car and gone before he could say a word. Willow was standing in the kitchen doorway with a guilty look plastered on her face, and Buffy was laughing into her hand.
"Oh Xander! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to tell them, it's just, they wanted to know about what I did last night and I said we talked about you and your boyfriend, and it was all a big mistake, and I'm sorry, and please don't hate me!"
He laughed and hugged her, saying it was okay since he was planning on telling everyone else today anyway.
"But there's something else. I'm getting some really bad vibes today, like hebee-jebees. You two?"
They both nodded no, and sat to examine the unease in Xander's mind and heart. After coming up with nothing, Xander walked to the Magic Box with them and looked through a few of the Calamity Calendars they kept. Nothing coincided with today, and he tried to relax a bit. Buffy had a lot of questions about him and his boyfriend, and he answered them all the best he could.
After a few hours, he noticed that his unease rose when he spoke of or thought of Spike. He wondered if he was just being nervous because they'd gone a little further last night. He remembered the way Spike's hand felt on him and grew instantly hard. He'd talked to Willow about their step-up in sex play, but the worry in him only grew worse. He wondered if Spike was okay.
At sundown, they were supposed to have a Slayer meeting. They'd had them every Friday night since Giles left as a way of keeping on top of current demonic happenings. Spike never missed a meeting, but tonight he was already 30 minutes late. Xander was frantic inside, his heart pounding and his eyes glued to the front door.
"Expecting someone?" Buffy put her hand on her friend's shoulder and shocked him from his thoughts.
"Well, Spike's not here yet, and that's not like him. I wonder if all my bad feelings today were because of him?"
"Probably. He had a tendency to evoke bad feelings all around."
He glared at her and she saw intense emotions playing out behind his eyes She knew they were hanging out and close friends, but she let the possibility that they were dating flit through her mind for a second, before she mentally retched and forbade herself to every picture them together sexually again.
"I'm gonna go see what's keeping him." He pulled away from her and grabbed his jacket before storming out of the shop, leaving his friends speechless.
As he drew closer to the cemetery, his unease multiplied and washed over him, creating what could be likened to a blind fear. Running to Spike's crypt, he threw open the door and screamed his love's name. When the only answer he received was the sound of a glass shattering downstairs, he pulled out his stake and slowly descended to the dungeon. What he saw in the flickering torchlight ripped his heart out.
Spike was lying unconscious in a pool of his own blood. He had a long gash down his left leg, a bit of the bone showing through the tear. There were three men standing by the bed with bottles in their hands, all extremely drunk.
"Fucker's dead. No heart beat, no breath. Nothing. I suggest you leave before we do the same to you!"
None of the men had any marks on them, and Xander assumed they were human. Before he could answer, a voice called out from behind him.
"I don't think so. Xan, scootch away from the ladder. You three, you have to the count of ten to get out of here before I beat the living crap out of you. One. Two."
The first man rushed at Buffy, aiming a strong fist at her face. On three she caught it. On four she smashed all the bones in it. On five she broke his wrist. On six she released him. On seven the men stood stunned. On eight, they began to slowly move towards the ladder. On nine, they picked up their injured buddy. On ten, they ran for their lives.
Xander knelt down next to Spike and turned him over. He hoped that the serious lackage of dust meant he'd recover, and cradled him in his arms. "I knew something was wrong Buffy. Thanks, and I'll take him back to my place for now." Before she could see his face, he ran up the ladder and out of the crypt. There were tears on his cheeks, and it would give them away. Buffy watched the two men in her life as they moved quickly off into the distance. Spike would be fine with Xander, and she returned to the Magic Box to cancel their meeting officially.
---
Spike woke up to a wet warm cloth being rubbed over the back of his leg. It hurt and felt good at the same time. He drifted a bit while he remembered what had happened.
When Spike returned to his crypt before sunrise, he walked in without paying much attention to what was going on around him. His mind was on the lover he'd left warm in bed, and he kept smelling the hand that had stroked him to completion. Once he walked downstairs, it was too late to correct his mistakes. They grabbed him and pushed his face into the floor, his struggles setting the chip off instantly. He howled in pain as one of them broke a bottle of scotch over his head and used the broken glass to slice down his leg. The combination of pain from above and below blacked him out to the world.
At one point he woke hoping it was a bad dream, but upon showing signs of life they proceeded to beat him again, banging his head into the concrete floor. He played dead, and they checked his pulse, confirming his rouse was working. Spike spent the rest of the day lying perfectly still, praying that Xander and the Slayer would show up soon, or that the men would grow bored of his lair and leave.
When Xander screamed his name, the one closest to him smashed his bottle over his head, just for fun. Spike was out again, and didn't know what happened next.
He croaked out Xander's name, and was instantly hushed by lush warm lips pressing against his. There was desperation behind that kiss, and Xander's eyes were wide with panic.
"Thank God you're awake! What happened? I'm so sorry! Are you okay? God, I didn't realise how much I love you!"
Spike smiled and arched up for another kiss before reassuring his lover that he was fine. The story of his attack was revealed, and ended with Xander fighting back tears.
"You're staying here from now on. I don't want to hear a word about it! Tomorrow, I'll go empty out your crypt. And I don't care if you're not ready, you can have the spare room if you're gonna be all stubborn about that and sleep in there. All I care about is you being safe! Clear?"
"Fine. Love you."
Xander tended to Spike's wounds and warmed a mug of blood for him. They laid on his bed holding each other for the rest of the night. Spike was fine. He'd suffered much worse in his century plus, but Xander insisted on coddling him. He wanted to scream and remind him he was still a Vampire, but had a stronger urge to let himself be pampered. His mind when through a war over his actions with this boy. He loved him, that much was certain, but since when did he become so soft?
It wasn't Xander's fault, or even the initiative. He'd loved Buffy long before that chip, and she's wormed her way into his life, gave him a taste of the light, and he liked it. He laughed at the thought that he owed the changes in him to the Slayer, for the better. Now if only Xander would just take that one final step that would let them truly be together. He was dying inside, wanting to scream at the boy and tell him what to do, but knew that would ruin everything. He was old, and recently learned patience. This was a test. He would pass it, and the reward would be worth every moment.
---
Xander emptied the crypt of every salvageable item and lugged it to his apartment. He dragged the large locked chest up the stairs, praying the contents were legal. While Spike slept in his bed, he set up the few items the Vampire had in the spare room and headed out again. He wanted to make it clear that he wasn't pressuring Spike to spend every night sleeping together. And if Spike did want to spend every night wrapped in his arms, as he hoped, he'd have a nice guest bedroom for future use.
He purchased a large bedroom set consisting of a king sized bed, bureau, dresser and lamps. They were delivered that afternoon and set up as quietly as possible. He ran out again to buy sheets and pillows, towels, slippers, anything that would make Spike more comfortable. The next purchase was at the window covering shop. He scheduled to have special blinds installed that would block out any sunlight effectively through the entire home. His final stop was at the hardware store, where he had a set of keys made for Spike.
That night they made up the spare room, and Spike explained that he did intend to make it his for the time being. He reminded Xander that it would be a good way to keep their relationship private when the Slayer and 'ettes' came to visit, and that he still wasn't ready to go 'all the way' with him. Xander accepted this with some disappointment, but when he woke the next morning to find Spike cooking him eggs and bacon, forgot his gloom and greeted Spike with a kiss and words of love.
---
Christmas was just a few hours away. He and Spike had been living together for over a month, and were still very much in love. Their sex lives consisted of heavy petting, now allowed on both sides, and snogging, but very little else. Xander longed for Spike on a level he never knew existed. Then about two weeks ago, he'd been in the shower thinking about what could possibly be missing in their lives. He had mixed feelings about their lack of love making, knowing that he didn't have a right to be angry. Just because he wanted sex didn't mean Spike was ready to lift his shirt, but was completely flummoxed over why Spike was holding out!
The phone rang and he ran to catch it. Willow wanted to know how he was and how Mystery Boyfriend was. He said they were both fine, and she asked if he was embarrassed of her and the others.
Xander was floored. How could she think that, even for a second? She reminded him that he'd been with this man for months, and wouldn't introduce them, let alone give them his name. And he knew. He finally knew and understood what Spike was waiting for. He thanked Willow, assured her he wasn't embarrassed by her or anyone, and said he'd have to talk to her more later. He had something very important to do.
Here he was the night before Christmas, and just hours ago he'd picked up the final gift to go under the tree. He and Spike had fun decorating together, even though Spike denied his involvement vehemently. At their request, Buffy, Dawn, Anya, Willow and Tara came to his house to enjoy Christmas Eve festivities. They drank the traditional nog, watched A Charlie Brown Christmas, and ate a large, garlic free Christmas dinner together. Spike was quiet, but having a good time. As it grew late, they decided it was time to exchange gifts. Everyone was included in the giving and receiving, even Spike.
The Vampire had wanted to spend more time with his lover, and worked hard to reintegrate himself into the Scoobies. He succeeded beautifully, and was officially one of their members. There were CD's and DVD's, books, sweaters, and trinkets exchanged, until there was one box left beneath the tree. Xander retrieved it, pleased that it had been ready in time.
It was a rush order, and on something designed like this it normally took much longer to craft. But Christmas had been just two weeks away, and he wanted it ready by then.
He held the small box out to Spike. "Merry Christmas."
Spike thought they were exchanging gifts tomorrow in private, but took it and opened it. Under the wrapping was a box, like the kind that holds jewellery. Opening it, his unneeded breath caught in his throat. Xander took the box from his hands and stood in front of him.
"Willow, Buffy, Anya, Tara, Dawn, I haven't been very honest with you this past year. And tonight I'm going to make up for that. I told you a while ago that I'd fallen in love with someone, and that he was very special to me. But I didn't tell you who he was. I was afraid of how you'd react, to him and me. But Willow said something to me on the phone two weeks ago that woke me up. She asked me if I was embarrassed of her and all of you, because I wouldn't introduce you to my partner. I knew I was hurting all of you by keeping this secret, and for a much deeper reason than you can imagine. Now, Buffy, ladies, you're in my house, and I don't want any freaking out. I love him. Very very much! I want to be with him, and I won't let anything persuade me differently."
Giving his attention to Spike exclusively, he explained what was in the box. "These are called Commitment Rings. They're like gay wedding bands. They're engraved inside with our names and numbers. The numbers are sequential, and they link us together in a kinda gay registry, like a marriage registry.
"You once said to me that you were looking for the love of a lifetime. You said that whatever we did was with the intention of a future, or it was to end then. You said you were putting all your trust in me. I hope you know how much that meant. I'm sorry it took me so long to 'come out' completely, but I'm out now. And I want to be with you Spike. I love you. Will you have me? Forever?"
Xander held out the smaller ring to Spike, who slowly took it and slipped it on his finger. Xander placed the ring's mate on his own hand, and before the smile that was curling on his face could finish, was swept up in Spike's arms and kissed right and proper. "Forever. I love you too boy. And I'm yours."
Dawn squeaked with excitement, forcing her hands to clasp together to stop herself from applauding. The two men looked at her with their mouths in a shocked 'O'.
"I KNEW it! HA! Tara, you owe me five bucks! Fork it over!"
Willow was grinning like a loon, and Buffy had an 'I told you so' look on her face. "It took you two long enough! I thought you'd never tell us!"
Spike shook his head and answered the Slayer, "You knew? How? When?"
"Yes. Figured it out. A long time ago. It was so obvious that you two were in love! Come on! We're not a group of strangers here. We know each other like the backs of our own hands. You may have thought you were sly and all, but you weren't. And then when you," she pointed to Xander, "came out to us, we knew for sure. That's why I followed you that night when Spike got hurt. I knew what it was like to do something stupid because someone you love is hurt, and I didn't want you to get yourself killed."
They sat and talked, Spike and Xander holding each other's hands tight. Even Anya had figured it out long before, and was very happy for both of them. The scoobies admitted to watching them closely to make sure everything was 'kosher', and gave up their doubts on Xander's safety long ago.
They drank more nog and laughed and recapped their year before it was time for the guests to go home. Xander and Spike saw everyone to the door and walked to the young man's bedroom.
Spike looked at his ring under the bright light in the bathroom. It was gold that had been poured to give it an almost grain like look. It was run through with light and colour, and had a single solitaire diamond set in the centre. Xander's band was identical. They were stunning, unique and absolutely beautiful. He'd never been happier.
When he walked back into the bedroom, Xander was under the covers and the lights were all off, except for the tree which cast a gentle glow through the room. "I feel like it's my wedding night, not Christmas."
Xander laughed lightly, pulling the bedsheets back for Spike. "Yeah, but on your wedding night, you normally . . ." his words drifted off as he watched Spike remove his clothes. When the Vampire stood before him naked, he slipped under those covers and against his lover's body, placing a small hand towel by the pillows.
"Like I said, I feel like it's my wedding night. I love you Xander Harris."
They kissed gently at first as Xander's hands explored Spike's body. The cool skin under his fingers was smooth and perfect. Xander laid Spike on his back and trailed kisses down his neck to his nipples. Exploring one with his mouth and the other with his hand, he brought a purr forth from Spike.
He straddled his body, their midriffs pressed together. "I love you Spike."
He lowered his body until his chin rested on Spike's pelvis. Teasingly he explored, swiping his tongue over the hard shaft and stroking him gently now, then more forcefully. Spike reacted to every touch he made. When Xander set in a rhythm of sucking and stroking, Spike carded his chestnut hair, controlling the urge to let go and come in his mouth.
Xander claimed drop after drop of pre-come, every bit better than the countless dreams and fantasies he'd had this past year. Spike's body arched off the bed, and he pulled Xander off him and up next to him again. They kissed and touched, stripping Xander of his clothes. Spike nibbled and kissed his way down to the curls between his lover's legs, pulling his sac into his mouth and tickling the sensitive spot under the head. He didn't do this for long, wanting Xander to come inside him first.
Crawling back up to Xander's lips and tongue, he retrieved a tube of lube from the night stand. Popping the top, he placed a generous amount on Xander's fingers. "Prepare me."
Spike laid on his back with his knees bent and his legs wide open. Xander knelt between those leg and dipped his slick finger into Spike's entrance. Spike moaned and rolled his eyes as Xander worked first one, then two fingers in and out, adding more lube now and then. The way Spike looked lying out on the bed was beyond description. Xander coated his cock in lube, and pressed the head against Spike. Slowly he slid past the tight ring, sinking deeper into him, until he was fully encased. Pulling back slightly, he set to a rhythm of making love. He'd never felt anything so incredibly before.
Spike drew him in as if they were part of each other. Leaning forward to kiss his love, his cock brushed against Spike's gland sending spasms of pleasure through Spike's body. He picked up the speed, his need to come overwhelming his senses. Spike clenched his muscles and called out Xander's name, pushing him over that final cliff that caused his orgasm to slam through him. His hot seed poured into Spike as he babbled, Spike milking him of every single drop. His body shuddered and collapsed on top of Spike's.
The Vampire gently pushed Xander off him and onto his hands and knees. Using more lube, he slid his finger inside Xander, feeling his lover's body tense instantly.
"Are you ready for this? You have to want it luv."
"Please Spike. I'm ready!"
Spike continued wetting his lover until he could slide three finger in and out without any resistance. Lubing his cock, he positioned it against Xander. He pushed, sliding his head past quickly and painlessly. He slid deeper in very slowly, mimicking Xander's movements from before. Once fully inside, he started a gentle and luxurious rhythm. Xander was already hard again, and Spike reached under them to stroke his lover's erection. Reaching for the towel, he placed it under Xander's hips and made love to his friend, lover, confidant, soul. Angling his cock to brush against Xander's gland, he pumped until Xander's come poured from him, into his hand and onto the towel. Spike concentrated on his own release, and came hard, pumping cool liquid out of his body.
They made love for hours, and when Xander walked into the Magic Box the 26th of December, his smile told the tale. Xander had never been happier in his life, but was soon to learn that life with Spike hadn't met it's crescendo yet. Every moment with Spike was journey and a tale, and by it's very nature not always pleasant, so he sat at his computer years later to begin the book of his life.
He wrote about meeting Giles and Buffy, and falling in love with Spike. He revisited the deaths, births, marriages and divorces, and every night he'd close out the word processor and climb into bed next to his life partner. To say he was happy was an understatement. He was blessed.
~Fin~