Dancing Alone
By Angel Jade
It isn't as fun when you're alone. When there's no one to laugh with...no one to dance with.The Bronze is like a symbol of our happier times. We danced; we talked...when Xander was possessed by a hyena...when we sat around as Faith told us about herself...when I drank a little too much when Oz left me. Some good memories, some bad. But all make me just a little too nostalgic. Sometimes I wish things were as they had been.
When I was young, all I wanted to do was to grow up. I had plans…I had my life set out before me and I knew, I just knew that I would be happy. I would leave behind school…the people who tormented me and I would make it.
When Buffy came into my life, that changed. But in a good way. She brought me out of myself. Made me stronger. Things changed when Oz left. I changed. For the first time I lost my way and things didn't seem to get any better.
And then she came into my life and things improved. I knew my friends and I were growing apart but it didn't matter. Not as long as I had Tara.
Magic took over my life…made me change again. But this change…it wasn't for the best. And look at me now. I'm standing in the Bronze all alone.
Dawn hates me, Buffy blames herself…blames me…she doesn't know what to think. Xander and I have grown so apart that I no longer know who he is. He has Anya and I had Tara. We used to be so close and now…now he doesn't come running when I'm sad and lonely.
Not so long ago, Amy and I stood up there, watching as we caused the kind of damage Buffy and us scoobies had been trying to stop all these years. I'd been reduced to that because of my growing obsession.
I was so confident then. Gone was the shy little nerd from high school. The one who had her life planned. Now I stand here, pushed back against the wall, playing with my fingers awkwardly.
I'm about to give up and walk home when I see a flash of bright blond hair. I strain my neck but see nothing but teenagers, dancing and having the kind of fun I believe I'll never have again.
"'Ello Red."
My eyes dart round and catch on the intense blue eyes, looking down at me.
"Why so jumpy?"
"Spike…I just…" I'm stuttering. I can't get my words out straight but it doesn't matter. Spike knows the day I've had and smiles knowingly.
"You all alone?"
I nod, not risking another embarrassing display of awkwardness.
"Me too. Right pair aren't we?" He grins before downing whatever alcoholic beverage he has in his hands and putting the glass on the table nearby.
I swallow and look away, feeling bad and wishing I'd just stayed at Buffy's tonight.
I see Spike's look. I think he's actually feigning sympathy. But then he reaches down and pulls me close to him.
Okay…first thought. Evil vampire, hello?
But it feels good. It feels amazing. Being held by someone makes me feel wanted. As if I haven't just ruined my life and everyone else's.
I could stay there all day and almost protest as he pulls away. He looks down with a gleam in his eye and leads me away from the wall. I follow weakly. No point in arguing, I'd rather go with him to stay alone right now.
We stop in the middle of the dance floor and as if by strange coincidence, a slow song starts. He looks at me, checking to see if this is okay before pulling my arms up and around his neck.
For a moment there I thought he was going to take me into the alley and…
Really wouldn't have minded.
Oh God! You know something's wrong when you're thinking about having sex with Spike.
I think I see him smile as if he's reading my thoughts. I smile too and pull him closer, content to just feel his body against mine.
"Feeling better, Red?" He whispers in my ear.
"Much." I whisper back, holding him possessively.
"We could always take this outside." He suggests, only half joking.
I giggle as if he is, because I couldn't handle it if he wasn't.
He says nothing more. I'm happy to believe that this is because he had no intention of taking me anywhere.
But deep down I wonder if maybe he's as lonely as me.
"Spike?" I ask, pulling away. I can't ask. I can't say anything so I just look at him, a slightly frightened but hopeful look on my face.
He smiles and stops moving to the slow beat. He takes my hand gently and we walk out.
Where we go from here is something I can't think about. Too many whys and what if's. The only thing I want to concentrate on right now is being with someone. Someone who won't judge me or make me feel guilty.
And maybe we're just using each other. Maybe this is a one-time thing.
Or maybe, finally…things are going to get better.