Hold On

By Robin the Crossover Junkie

 

Forty years of bliss. Never, in all his years, had he ever imagined he could be so happy for so many years. That despite all the horrible things he'd done in his existence would be forgiven, that he could even touch the happiness he'd been embraced by for forty years.

Hold on Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell

Knowing that it's all about to end brings pain he never could have imagined. Knowing that he is about to lose the only piece of heaven he's ever glimpsed, or ever could hope to glimpse, makes him want to cry out into the sky and howl his rage. The worst, though, is knowing that there is nothing he can do about it.

Hold on Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell

Deep shuddering breaths labour from the lungs of the otherwise still form beside him. They'd promised, that when the day came, neither would cry. The day isn't upon them yet, but he can see it looming fast. Forty years of bliss comes with a price.

What is it in me that refuses to believe? This isn't easier than the real thing He remembers their first kiss, their first night together. He remembers almost losing his lover to countless demons, both metaphorical and literal. He remembers the joy in his heart that he felt when his lover first uttered the words "I love you," and when he found that he was able to say it back easily. He remembers touching his lover's body in the heat of the night after a fight, memorising the cuts, the bruises, that he couldn't save his lover from. He remembers the crushing fear he felt whenever they weren't together, and the numbing pain that he'd ignored for years because he knew that one day, it would end.

My love
You know that you're my best friend
You know that I'd do anything for you

He'd never wanted to turn him. To make him a monster, to give him fangs instead of age. William had always known that his lover would die, but the pain of knowing that was nothing compared to the pain of knowing that if his lover were to never die, William would have been the one to kill him. His lover would have been lost forever, and he would have been forced to look at the demon who'd stolen his face. The demon he would have put there.

My love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true

William knows he will always love this man. The years strengthened their bond. They've spent forty years loving each other, fighting side by side. William had protected him from the monsters, and Xander had protected William from himself. Together, they've been truly happy.

Am I in heaven here or am I in hell?
At the crossroads I am standing

But it came with a price. They're paying it now. After forty years of pure, perfect love, Xander is finally dying. He's old. He's the last of his friends to go. Buffy had died when she was twenty-five. She'd finally met the demon she couldn't beat, and had gone down in battle. Tara had left town before that, even. Dawn had travelled to some foreign country, studying some ancient artefacts. Willow had died a few years earlier, her body worn from constant use of magic. Giles had passed on almost twenty years ago, and Anya had been killed before even Buffy. All that was left of their little group were William and Xander, and soon it would be only William.

So now you're sleeping peaceful I lie awake and pray
You'll be strong tomorrow
And we'll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile across your face

William doesn't want him to go. He knows that once his lover was gone, he will be alone. Truly, finally, completely alone. He won't have that sweet, weathered smile to ground him, those deep brown eyes to make him fly. He wants for his lover to stay with him forever, so that he can gaze at his face and know that yes, William the Bloody is loved, is worthy, is real.

Oh God if you're out there won't you hear me?
I know that we've never talked before
Oh God the man the I love is leaving
Won't you take him when he comes to your door?

William knows he'll never see Xander again. Xander, human, mortal, will be given eternal bliss. His soul will sing with the angels in heaven, while William will stay here, on the cold, lonely earth, waiting for the day when the sun will catch him off guard, or a stake will find its way to his unbeating heart. Then, he will be nothing but dust. His soul had moved on long ago, had left him before it had the chance to fall in love with the man he loves now. He is eternally damned, while his soul lives in some unknown realm, never to unite with Xander's.

Am I in heaven here or am I in hell?
At the crossroads I am standing.
Now you're sleeping peaceful I lie awake and pray .
That you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day.
And we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile.

Now you're sleeping peaceful I lie awake and pray.
That you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day .
And we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile
Across your face.

William needs to see his lover smile. Needs to taste his lips once more, in case the next breath he draws will be the last. Needs to feel his skin, warm under William's own cool hands, before death steals all he has. He reaches over and shakes his lover awake, looking into those blurry eyes before pressing his lips to his lover's. Xander returns the kiss, knowing why he's been awoken, needing the same thing. Because he knows the end is near, and he doesn't want to leave this man who's stood by him for forty years. Who's been his lover, his friend, his soulmate.

Hold on Hold on to yourself For this is gonna hurt like hell.

~Fin~