Learning How To Smile

By Angel Jade

I love watching him, as he gets lost in thought. His eyes grow distant and you can see an amalgam of emotions there. I love how a stray strand of hair falls over his face. He looks so peaceful, so quiet.

I just wish I didn't know what he was thinking. What he'll always be thinking.

What I did. The past. Angelus.

It's something I can't make him forget. That I can't make up for.

And it cuts me up inside to think that he doesn't even blame me.

Worse…he blames himself.

Never have I seen such self-pity in someone so young. It took me many years to hate myself as much as he hates himself.

But all that will change. I'm falling in love with him and I know he is with me. And I intend on making him feel better about himself.

If only I could just stop feeling sorry for myself.

---

"Oh…look who's gracing us with his presence." Cordelia quips at him as Lindsey makes an appearance.

"I don't work here, Cordelia." He reminds her, a little smile on his lips. We make eye contact and he flashes me one of those smiles he saves for special occasions.

"No." She says, and I can feel the sarcasm even before she continues. "You're just the guy who lives here, eats here, sleeps here, and stands around here. Why should you have to earn your keep?"

"If I say he stays here, he stays here." I warn Cordelia. She gives me a look. One of those, `I-know-what-you're-up-to-buster' looks. And she smiles. She knows and I think she's actually happy about it.

"I don't mind helping. Makes me feel useful." He says, his hands tucked into his jean pockets. I fetched some of his stuff from his apartment not long ago. Must admit, he looks even better in jeans and a scruffy shirt than he does in a suit.

"Well, actually, there's not a lot you can do, I'm afraid." Wesley sighs and looks at Lindsey. "Unless you want to clean?"

Lindsey looks at me for help. He doesn't want to say no. For a cocky little shit, he can be so polite sometimes.

"Uh, Lindsey's not 100% yet." I tell Wesley. "Cordelia doesn't mind doing it."

She glares at me so I throw her an apologetic look. She rolls her eyes and smiles at Wesley. "Not exactly my job description, but you can always pay me extra."

Don't think Wesley's happy about that.

I look at Lindsey, who's grinning. Like I said, cocky little shit.

Note to self…he owes me. I grin back, with thoughts of how he can repay me later and he actually looks scared. I've been told I have a devious smile.

"You know what? Cleaning doesn't sound too bad. Think I might…"

"No, Lindsey. I insist." I say with fake sincerity. "Upstairs now." The last part comes out as a demand and he tries not to laugh at me.

Trying to keep a straight face is our favourite pastime. We're both as bad as each other.

He looses the battle of wills and trudges off upstairs. I know he's excited, because I hear him run up the last few steps and across to my room.

I look back at the others, just to check. No one noticed. All too busy doing nothing. Gunn on his gameboy, Wes with his books. But Cordelia…she's trying not to laugh as she types on the computer. E-mail or something like that. I think she talks to Willow through the computer sometimes. Hope she isn't telling Willow about Lindsey and me.

She turns to look at me with a knowing smile. She raises her eyebrows at me. She wants to know more.

"Later." I say, before following Lindsey up the stairs.

"You better!" She yells after me.

---

I know he's behind the door, but I play along anyway. He likes games. I'm just waiting for him to suggest kinky sex. How I'm going to keep a straight face then is beyond me.

He shuts it behind me as I walk in and I hear it lock. As if I couldn't get the key off him if I wanted to.

He kneels down and pushes the key under the door.

I cock my head. What's he up to?

"Don't say a word." He tells me.

"Wasn't going to." I reply, grinning. He taps me on the back of the head like a child.

"Not a word." He repeats.

I watch as he pulls out two bottles of wine from a bag in the corner. I have to smile. Always the romantic.

He walks over to the record player and puts some music on. Not exactly my style, but it does the job.

Sets the mood.

"Strip."

"Huh?" Did I just hear right?

"Strip."

I don't…strip on demand. I'm supposed to be the one in charge here.

He raises his eyebrows, waiting.

So, I give in. I'll let him have it his way this time. It's not like I don't owe him anyway.

That reminds me.

"You owe me one for getting you out of the cleaning." I remind him as I unbutton my shirt, slowly.

His eyes light up. "And I'm gonna give you one." He says suggestively.

Did I mention that I love this man?

I unintentionally speed up the clothes removal. He turns and plucks out two wine glasses from the cupboard. When did they get there?

I don't drink as a rule. Alcohol and me don't mix. Not anymore. I used to…and look what kind of person it made me. A drunken whoring lay about according to my father.

But I won't refuse. Couldn't stand hurting his feelings. Despite the cold demeanour he sometimes puts on, I know he's fragile. And I really don't want to break him.

---

Tried to break him once. Made him cry, made him beg, made him get down on his knees…

I made him say the things he couldn't bring himself to say. The sort of things I knew would hurt him.

I beat him, I raped him, I tortured him and I berated him until there was nothing left.

Or so I had thought.

But I guess Lindsey is repairable. Because here he is now, trying to get his attacker drunk and in bed.

---

"Earth to Angel!" He calls and I snap out of it.

"Hmm?" He's lost his shirt at some point. Knows full well I love his chest.

"You spaced." He tells me. Knows what I might have been thinking of because he does it too.

"Sorry." I mumble. I'm still wearing pants and boxers. I don't plan on stripping any further until he does. Makes me uncomfortable.

"Drink?" He asks.

I look at him and realise he knows full well I don't drink. His little smirk tells me a great deal. But as it's him…I don't mind.

"Yeah, I'll have one." I tell him, knowing he'll manoeuvre me into a hell of a lot more than one.

"I wanna ask you something." He says suddenly, as I sip my wine.

The look on his face tells me this is going to require a good answer.

"You never told me how you got your soul back." He says, avoiding eye contact.

This is new. Lindsey never brings it up. It's always me. He's been avoiding the subject. But he's right; we haven't talked about that yet.

"That's not a question." I tease. Couldn't resist.

He sighs impatiently. "Angel." He never says my name either. Well, very rarely. This is serious.

Is this why he wanted me to drink? Is he planning on getting me more and more drunk, as his questions get more and more serious? Is he hoping to get something out of me?

Suddenly very nervous.

I lick my lips, which have dried up very quickly. And then…I begin.

"Not so long ago, an actress drugged my drink in the hopes of making me lighten up so I would turn her. The drug simulated perfect happiness and I was reverted back to Angelus. But it was only simulated and lasted as long as the drug. When I woke after that event, they told me why it had worn off. Therefore, when I became Angelus again, he knew that the drug would only last a certain amount of time."

"But he didn't mention…"

"He wanted you to believe there was no way out. He planned on getting Wolfram and Hart to make it permanent."

"In exchange for me?"

"In exchange for him. He had no intention of giving you up. But Angelus didn't know how long it would last. And when he gets carried away…he really gets carried away."

Lindsey knows this is true. Can tell by the look in his eyes.

"He left too late. He didn't even make it to the front door before I began to return." I explain.

"Began?"

"Took a while." I say. "First we stumbled around. Neither in control, both fighting for it. But he couldn't fight it. He lost and I came to on the floor hours later. I found you, remembered everything. Didn't even help you. Spent an hour wondering whether I should call Wesley or just kill myself. Then you said something."

"I did?"

"You called my name. You were unconscious and you called out to me."

"Oh. I don't remember."

"So I tried to help you. But Cordelia arrived before I could do anything. I had to explain. That took a while. She almost ran. I'm glad she didn't. She helped me move you and bandage you. And the rest…you know."

"Yeah…"

Right about now, the alcohol is looking good. Down another glass and pour a third.

He looks up at me. Looks me in the eye. This is either going to hurt like hell or make me one very happy vampire.

"Thank you." He says, clearly, no averting of the eyes, no stuttering.

I'm one happy vampire.

"You shouldn't…It was my…"

"Our." He interrupts.

"Mine."

"Mine."

"Don't fight me on this." I say stubbornly.

"It's what I do." Lindsey says with a half smile.

"Not anymore." I remind him.

He pours another glass. I realise he's already a glass behind me and yet still I pour another. Don't care about the effects; I just don't want to feel this anymore. Just once I'd like to have a moment with him that's not spoilt by this…

Even if it did bring us together.

`Cause that's what we are now.

Together.

Though I know Lindsey would die before admitting that.

"Another?" He asks. I look at my glass and it's empty again. Good stuff this wine.

"Go for it." I nod.

"You're easy." He says, smiling.

"Excuse me?"

"You're easy." He says. "Don't even have to force you to drink."

I laugh. Nope, not hard to make me drink. Just put it in the glass…like so and drink…like so, and then fill the glass…like so…

"Angel, slow down." He's laughing at me now. Good that I'm such a comedian.

"Speed up." I challenge. He shakes his head.

"You can't hold your alcohol." He points out.

"But you already knew that." I indicated.

"Maybe." He smiles deviously. See…just like me. We're so alike.

"Cocky little…"

"Shit, I know." He finishes for me. "But you know you're a…"

"Fucker." I grin. Really wanting sex right now. He does too. "Bed."

"Right." He agrees, jumping up. I get up with the same enthusiasm. Whoa…head rush. I'm staggering everywhere and Lindsey…is laughing!

Gee, thanks for the help Linz.

"How is it possible that you are this drunk so fast?"

"I'm not drunk." I protest. "I've drunk lots before and you can ask anyone…I can drink all night and not get drunk. Ask Spike."

"Who?"

"I thought Wolfram and Hart knew everything about me." I say, making my way to the bed.

"They do." He says, following me with his oh-so-perfect non-stagger. "Doesn't mean that I gave a shit about you."

"Gave?" I ask, raising my eyebrows with suggestion.

"Not that I do now." He says, pushing me on the bed.

On my back.

"You don't?" I ask, faking a hurt look that he mistakes for a genuine one.

"Angel, I'm about to fuck your brains out and you want to know if I care about you?" He laughs.

"You're gonna…"

"Yeah. You never…? Oh…you've never…"

"Neither have you…done it this way round." I argue because, if it's possible…I've gone red.

"Like it's hard." He replies. I really hate this guy.

"It's not like Angelus ever let anyone…do him. And when I was human, I was a ladies man. Or maybe a man's lady…which way round does it go?" I honestly can't work it out. Alright, I'm willing to admit to tipsiness.

"Man's lady…defiantly." He's laughing at me again. Sudden urge to kiss those lips.

Too late, he beat me to it. He kisses me so gently I want to scream. I need him to be rough, I need him.

And yet he's teasing me with deliberately slow kisses and a hand that is slowly unzipping my pants. I move to aid him but he swats my hands away and pulls back from the kiss.

And then he `tutts' me.

He `tutts' me and waves his finger.

"Cock tease." I moan.

"Now, now. If you want to get off tonight, I suggest you play nice." He mocks.

God, he sounds just like Angelus. That's all I need.

I make a move to get him under me but he's surprisingly strong for a human. Or it's still possible I've drunk too much.

"Stop being so damn slow!" I moan, my hands now heading for his zipper. He doesn't try and stop me. He's made his point, now I make mine. We're undressed in a matter of seconds and we're kissing with a passion I'm sure I've never felt before.

This isn't our first time and it sure as hell won't be the last. But it'll be the first time for me. But I'm with Lindsey and I feel safer with him than most other people I know.

Because I know him.

And he knows me.

He reaches over without breaking away to grab the lubrication from the side. I clasp his face with my hands, push them up, into his hair and hold him to me with a possessiveness that surprises even me.

Maybe it's the alcohol talking, but I need him inside me, right now. I'd get down and beg if it made him faster.

But that's not what he wants, because he wants me too. Right now.

Before I knew it his cock had pushed past the entry and slowly began to thrust into me.

I groan at the discomfort, but it soon becomes one of pleasure. It feels so good.

I arch in pleasure as Lindsey starts a sturdy pace. A little too sturdy.

"Faster." I say, half-commanding, half-begging.

He does as I ask and even as he does, I feel his hand move round to my own erect cock. I hiss with excitement as he begins to bring me to off.

He comes inside of me, which is enough to tip me over the edge. I moan as come beneath him.

We lie silently on the bed, his head on my chest, and my arm around him. Feels like we could stay there forever.

Why is it that sex is so much better after a good round of angst? I'm not complaining though. We're growing closer everyday whether he'll admit it or not.

---

"Well?"

"Well what?" I ask, innocently. Cordelia glares.

"What's going on with you two?" She asks me. We're alone in the office. Lindsey is sleeping through the better part of the day and Wes and Gunn have gone to get some lunch.

"I don't know what you mean." I say. I love playing with her. And Lindsey. I love playing with Lindsey. And he loves playing with me.

"Stop grinning, you're scaring me." She says, no sign of joke in her tone.

"Cordy, nothing is…"

"Lie to me and I'll send Gunn and Wes to check on you next time I hear funny noises from your bedroom." She threatens.

Now I'm serious. "You wouldn't."

"Try me." She says.

I back down, fighting with Cordelia is tiring and I never win anyway. "What do you want to know?"

"What's going on?"

"We're fucking." Lindsey says appearing from nowhere. His hair is everywhere and he's still in a t-shirt and boxers. Looks so adorable…

I frown angrily, and then look at Cordelia, who doesn't seem too impressed.

"Ew. Didn't need the visual." She says in disgust. Lindsey laughs and walks over and sits on the lobby desk. "Make yourself at home." She says sarcastically at him.

Lindsey and I exchange glances. We both know she doesn't mind Lindsey being here. She likes him being here. She doesn't even mind about us. Although, it is true she has the tiniest crush on him. But at least now she knows she hasn't got a chance.

"Just never ever talk about…it in front of me. Leave something outside your door to warn me and never kiss in public…understand?"

We smile and nod. I can see Lindsey is dying to kiss me right now, but he manages to restrain himself for her.

"Lindsey." Lilah Morgan's standing behind us. Lindsey goes white when he sees her. Armed men surround her. I utter a low growl of warning and pull Lindsey away from the desk. He lets me. We're both thinking the same thing. They're planning on dragging him back, willing or not.

"Get out of here." I threaten, so close to shifting to game face.

"Lindsey, are you okay?" She asks. So little concern in the voice. Bitch doesn't even care; she's just doing her job.

"I'm fine, Lilah." He replies, with equal disinterest.

"What happened? Where have you been?" She asks, more out of interest than anything else. She keeps looking at me. Studying me.

And then I realise.

They think I'm Angelus.

Think I'm holding Lindsey hostage or something.

"Go back to your bosses and tell them they failed. Angelus is right where he should be."

She's not sure. Looks at Lindsey for assurance.

"Get out of here, Lilah. I'm fine. And I'm not going back." He says calmly.

Lilah looks a little stunned. "You're quitting?" She actually sounds hopeful. She really is something. Was Lindsey ever this bad?

"I'm done with Wolfram and Hart. I got more shit on them than you…make sure you tell them that. They come after me and I'll make sure it gets out. I don't want anything else to do with them, okay?"

"And how long before you come crawling back this time, Lindsey?" She asks. He doesn't answer. So she starts to walk away. "If I were you, I'd get out of LA." She warns as she disappears into the daylight.

I turn and look at Lindsey. He's aware Cordelia and I are staring at him. He gives me a defiant glare then walks away.

I know he's not mad at me. He's angry with them. Afraid of them and the future. And the choice he has just made. Before he had always had the option to go back. Now he was alone. Not alone, I remind myself. He has me.

I guess maybe I should remind him about that. Wouldn't want him trying to jump off the roof again.

But for now, I'll let him deal.

---

"Lindsey?" I ask carefully, as I enter the room he likes to hide in when he doesn't want to see me. He's curled up in the corner of the room on the bed. Not asleep, not quite awake either.

I walk over and sit next to him and wait.

He lifts his head and looks at me. His eyes are red. No surprise there.

"You did the right thing." I tell him.

"What would you know?" He asks me resentfully. For a moment, I'm shocked. I haven't seen him like this since before the Angelus incident.

"You don't think I went through all this?" I ask.

He just looks away. "I'm not staying." He whispers.

"What?" I growl. I can't help it. He's leaving me? Now?

"You heard." He says. "I can't stay here. It's not healthy for me."

"Since when did that bother you?" I ask angrily.

"Since now." He retorts and climbs off the bed. He heads for the door but I push it shut before he can get through it.

"Get out of my way." He hisses.

"Not until we've talked about this." I say firmly.

"We both know this can't work." He yells. "Why are you making this harder?"

"Because I love you." I yell back. He wasn't expecting that and he doesn't know what to say. "If you think you can do this to me and then walk away, then you're wrong."

He doesn't like this side of me. Too many bad memories, but I really don't care. There is no way he's leaving me. Not now. Not after everything.

"You're a vampire." He says quietly, looking at the floor. "You know this can't work."

"Why? Because you'll get old?" I ask. "Do you think I'll stop loving you?"

"It's not that…although you will. That'd just be weird. A guy in the body of a twenty-something, dating an old man. It's…"

"Twenty six." I tell him. "And that's not why you're running away."

"I'm not running away." He says, raising his voice. He tries once again to open the door and when I place my hand back on it, effectively stopping him from leaving, he hits me.

It doesn't hurt. It doesn't even stun me long enough for him to get out. And before I even realise what I'm doing, my fist connects with his face and he's on the other side of the room.

Shit. I didn't mean…fuck. That's the way to convince him to stay, Angel. Beat him up.

"I'm sorry." I say, trying to help him up. As I do, his fist lands in my stomach and that one does hurt. I'm on my back in seconds and he's straddling me. He begins to hit me harder and faster. Face, chest…I don't think he has a preference.

At first I let him, but as I see tears rolling down his furious face, I grab both his wrists, then pull him closer to me. I attempt to pull him into an embrace, but he has other ideas. He grabs my face with both hands and kisses me desperately.

He pulls back to breathe and says, "I'm sorry I keep screwing up. I'm sorry, I don't mean to…I won't leave, I swear I won't leave."

I move him back, pull him off his knees and over to the bed. I'm on him before he can say anything, capturing his lips in a kiss.

He responds by ripping at my clothes. We try and hold the kiss as we undress each other but it's quite hard. And the klutz that I am; I trip over my pants and we fall over each other and land, tangled, on the bed. We both can't help but laugh.

Finally naked, I move myself until I'm behind him. Realising there isn't much around I can use, I decide to bite my wrist and coat my erection with blood. He doesn't notice.

He's no longer angry, not worried, not even scared. He's aroused and desperate. Just the way I like him.

As I push my cock into him, he groans. I ease into him gently, making sure I don't hurt him. Obviously I'm not `cause he doesn't waste time in telling me what he wants. "Harder."

I oblige.

"I didn't mean to…" I try to say, still feeling guilty for hitting him.

"Shut up and fuck me." He murmurs.

And I do. I fuck him harder and faster than I have with him before. My hips hitting his ass with each thrust. Our moans corresponding with each other.

I told you. Our best sex always comes after we get emotional.

I come inside of him as I reach my peak and collapse on top of him. By the sounds he's making, he's come too. He breathes deeply under me and I sigh with contentment.

I know he'll never leave me. He's as addicted to me as I am to him.

"I love you too." He says softly. I kiss his neck. He finally said it.

"Angel, are you in here?" Cordelia asks, walking in. "I just had a…" She sees us naked on the bed and runs out screaming.

I suppose I should be bothered, but Lindsey's laughing is contagious.

"My eyes, my eyes!" I hear her cry from outside.

---

Four weeks have passed since Lindsey finally admitted to loving me. We still argue and fight, but then…what else is new? Being so alike has it's set backs, but I wouldn't change our relationship for the world. Because every time we do fight…we end up having amazing sex and I'm really not complaining. I know it's going to take time before we can finally leave the past behind us. With everything that's happened, I know that it's not going to be easy. But things are getting better all the time. I'm teaching him not to blame himself and how to get on without depending on Wolfram and Hart. But he, he's teaching me the most important thing of all. How to smile.

 

~Fin~