Soft
Chapter Four
I have a dream that night. About Spike. And it's erotic. Very erotic. He's not…having sex with me, he's just - we're lying down, on my bed, and we're just holding each other. We're looking into each other's eyes and he's so beautiful. In my dream, I'm lost in him. And then we kiss and it's what I want and it's so intense and passionate. It was like - wow. Like the dream I had of being back with Willow. Good, happy. And I like it. A lot. Even though he's a guy, even though he's a man.
His legs entwine with mine and I feel him press against me and then…I come. The orgasm wakes me and still half asleep I try to go back to the dream, to the happy place and feeling.
But of course you never can.
I wake up late in the morning and remember that I'm seeing Willow today. The worried feeling returns and I take deep breaths and try to calm down.
I really don't know what to do. Will I get back with her if she asks? Sometimes I'm not even sure why I don't. Other times I remember the hurt she caused so vividly, that I nearly hate her and feel like I might never be able to forgive her. Then there are times, when Spike is lying beside me talking about not much and toying absently with my buttons, that I don't care, that I forget she's even gone.
Thinking about Spike brings back the warm glow in my belly from the dream. In the morning light I realise it's odd. I had a sex dream about Spike. Spike, my male friend, Spike. I wonder if Buffy talked with him last night. A happy sense of anticipation fills me, knowing that he will visit tonight and we can talk.
---
I wake up and I'm alone. I remember Buffy leaving sometime in the morning. Me asking her to stay. She didn't. Another mistake.
"Spike, don't. I've just got to go."
I stretch, I'm sore. Good sore, from wild sex. I wonder what it'd be like to just make love to Buffy for once. Not just fuck and be fucked. Love her, caress her, cherish her. Instead of this fierce, intense, almost fight. Not just aggression, anger and mindless release, that sometimes becomes tender when we're both too exhausted to fight anymore. Though, can't say I don't like that too. Just would like…it doesn't always have to be hard.
I feel my cock stir, thinking about last night. She came back, after she'd taken Tara home. And she didn't say anything after hello, just kissed me. So much passion. God, I wanted her. It was like she was punishing me for making her want me. Tried to ask her what she was playing at, where she was going with this. Told me to shut up and fuck her. Then we were ripping each other's clothes off and it all went downhill from there. And you know what I was thinking the whole time? At everything Buffy did that I didn't quite understand, as she pinned my arms to the bed and rode me until we both screamed, as I fucked her into the mattress, as she fell asleep on my chest again? I kept thinking about telling Tara.
I owe her an orgasm.
It's nearly dark so I get up and dress. Tara'll have talked to the witch. Wonder how it went. Wonder if she went and saw her. And I think Buffy is right, that I am pure evil, when I hope it didn't go well.
---
It was awkward. Both of us trying not to say the wrong thing. There was a lot of small talk. A lot of how are you? And then Willow told me she missed me, I said I missed her too. And then she asked why we couldn't try, why I couldn't give her a second chance. I tried to explain to Willow how I was feeling, why I left.
She got defensive. I could see she was trying not to, but she did. It seems she always does when I bring up her magic. I seemed to constantly say the wrong thing. I know she's trying, I really do. We talked some more. Willow told me Anya had asked her about the wedding. She told me she didn't want me to miss it because of her. We talked some more. Just seeing Willow, I want things to be how they were with her. Before.
We're going to go see a movie on Friday.
I get home late. It's nearly seven. And as I walk up to the main doors of my building, I see a familiar figure sitting on the sandstone wall. He's been waiting. I blush, suddenly reminded of my dream.
"Where 've you been?" he asks. His voice is odd.
"Um, out, um I saw Willow," I say, slightly put off by his tone.
He nods. "Oh. Went well then did it?"
I half shake my head. "It, it was ok."
"All back together then? Everything sorted out right and tight in Pleasant Valley?"
"N-no, not quite." I looked away. Spike's tone is hard, slightly mocking. I don't understand why he's being like this. I know I don't need it. Not after today. I walk past him into the building.
---
Bloody hell.
I'm the only one that knows how hard seeing Willow must've been and I'm being a complete arsehole.
"Tara, wait."
She stops at the stairs.
"Sorry love, I'm sorry. Just, been waiting, wanting to talk to you, is all." No. Can't tell her I was bein' a jealous idiot. Cause got no right to be. "Can I come up?"
She nods. And I follow her up the stairs to her room.
"It didn't go well then, love?" I ask once we're inside.
"It, it was ok," she says again and relaxes a bit. A sharp shot of fear hits me in the gut though cause it makes me realise how close I just came to fucking this up, making her not confide in me anymore.
---
Spike is suddenly himself again. The way he normally is around me. We sit down and I tell him about Willow.
"Did Buffy go back to see you last night?" I ask. He nods.
"What…what happened?"
He looks down, then up at me.
"We shagged, she left, the end. Not a great deal of that talking stuff you and Red were doing."
"But, but you slept together, that's good right?" I suddenly have an odd upset feeling inside me.
"Yeah, it's good." He smirks. "All right, bloody fantastic actually. Still, would be nice to have her admit for once she's not completely disgusted by me." He pauses, then says in a quiet voice. "Wish I could talk to her like I do with you love."
I don't know what to say. There's a tightness in my chest, his words touch me so much.
"I, I feel the same way about Willow," I say. And I do. He doesn't get defensive and he just…listens. It's so strange to think I used to be nervous around him. And suddenly I'm so glad that I found him that night. So glad we got this chance to know each other.
He gives me one of his actual smiles. And then he goes to kneel in front of me.
---
"Spike, no," she says.
I look up at her, frowning.
"You don't want?"
She bites her lip. "I can't, Spike…Buffy, Willow, not now. Not anymore." Her eyes plead with me to understand. I do, it's over. She's got Willow back now and she doesn't want this from me anymore.
---
He nods. "Right, ok," he says shortly, then he stands and strides towards the door.
"Spike?"
He opens the door.
"Spike, where are you going?" I feel like crying.
He stops with his back to me. "Home love, thought it was for the best."
I stand. "Is…is that all you visit me for?" I ask, trying to steady my voice.
He turns, shocked.
"Is what all I visit you for?" He looks horrified. "The sex play? Is that what you think?"
I nod. And then suddenly he's holding me tightly and murmuring into my hair.
"Bloody hell, love, no, no, don't think that, please don't."I blink back tears.
"Why, why were you going to leave then?" I ask.
He pulls back and looks at me, his eyes flashing golden.
"Tara," he says fiercely. "Knowing you these past few weeks has been one of the most important things that has happened to me in me whole undead life."
I smile. "Really?"
"Bloody hell, girl, yes. Thought you didn't want me about, that's why I was going to leave. Was tactfully taking the hint…which obviously wasn't actually a hint…at…all…" He grins ruefully.
I reach up and smooth a loose curl from his forehead.
"I just don't think we should do that anymore, not after…Buffy and you, and what might be happening soon with Willow, it would be cheating."
"Buffy left this morning remember. I'm not her significant other, not by a long shot," Spike says. He runs his fingers through my hair. "I understand though if you'd prefer to wait for your little red-head."
And I think it must be the dream I had, because here I am wanting not to wait, wanting him to close the gap between us and wanting to place more soft kisses on his lips.
I take a deep breath.
"I'm not back with Willow yet," I say.
"The minute Buffy even looks like wanting to do more than pop by for quick shag-"
"And as soon as it looks like I'll be getting back together with Willow-"
"Ok."
"Good."
---
She laughs her wonderful laugh as I pick her up and carry her to the bed. I lie her down and this time I don't stop until she's come. And then come again. And then we lie on her bed, side by side, kissing soft, short kisses, that are starting to last a little longer each time, while I pull myself off. She puts her small hand on mine, moving in rhythm with me. Suddenly she takes her hand away. Then, bloody hell, yes, starts touching herself.
I moan.
And I alternate between kissing her, and watching her pleasure herself, lips slightly parted, eyes glazed., her hand between her legs and her other hand playing with her nipples through her blouse. I pump harder, as she holds my eyes with hers. They're full of lust and desire. So beautiful. She's so fucking
beautiful.I reach my hand out and cover the one that's playing with her breast.
"Can I?" I breathe.
And fuck yes, she nods.
I trace my hand over her curves. Slide it over the erect nipples that strain against the soft green of her blouse. She lets out a little gasp. And I groan.
---
I lie back and just feel as Spike unbuttons my blouse and unhooks my bra and then runs his hand over my breasts. I still my hand at my clit, not wanting to come, not yet. Oh! His mouth! His tongue. Ohhhh…
I arch towards his cool mouth as his lips close about my nipple. I reach my free hand out and run it over his chest, feeling the muscles, then down to the end of his t-shirt and the coarse curls that rest just below. I find his hand and rest mine back over it as he strokes himself. Strokes himself as he touches, licks, sucks and nibbles at my breasts.
The pleasure builds and builds. I never thought I could manage another orgasm tonight, but I am, his mouth feels wonderful. I touch myself more, sliding my fingers into my wet cleft. He starts pumping harder, and I pull my hand back and open my eyes and watch him as he stiffens, thrusting into his own hand, then comes with a gasp.
And it's not gross, and it's not unpleasant, or disgusting, because it's him.
And then I come too.
---
We lie next to each other. I've made a sticky mess of her sheets, but she doesn't seem to mind. I can't stop looking at her face. I think I'm in danger of loving this girl more than I should. She stretches, satisfied, content and makes no move to cover herself. I drink in the sight of her body, her skirt up about her waist, her chest bare, beautiful large breasts with their pink nipples.
Wanton, but in a very good way.
I stretch out beside her. And it's nice to know she's not going to run away on me, or call me names or make me feel guilty for this. I entertain the foolish wish that I could combine Tara and Buffy into the one perfect woman. The woman I love with this friend who lets me love her.
"It gets so small!" she says suddenly, looking down my body towards my…hey! Wait one bloody minute!
I look at her. Then look back down at my now flaccid penis.
"Not that small," I say, a little miffed. Well it is my dick.
She giggles evilly. Yes, nice, sweet Tara is mocking my manhood.
"I mean, it's so big, when it's…erect, and in comparison, now…"
I laugh. "I think I'll just take that as a compliment, love."
"Sorry. It's, just, um, it's a novelty."
I look at her. "You're a very bad girl, you know that Tara?"
I shudder as that very bad girl reaches out and touches me. An' I can't help growing back to that massive size that apparently got her so impressed.
---
I'm getting used to it. That ugly, almost live thing between his legs. It moves by itself. This is the first time I've seen it…become erect. Usually Spike is hard by the time he gets it out. And his, um, testicles, I notice that they tighten, almost shrink up to his body when he's about to come. He's hard again now. I wonder if he wants to come again. He's not moving though, just letting me touch him. I'm actually quite tired.
"Do you…um, need…"He shakes his head.
"It's just bein' optimistic," he says, and tucks his now softening member away and buttons up his jeans.
"Hmm," I say, and stifle a yawn. He smoothes my hair from my face and drops a kiss on my lips. Soft, lingering. He lies back and I rest my head on his chest, tracing invisible patterns on his black t-shirt.
"Spike, this is nice," I say, comfortably.
"Yeah, pet it is."
And then he wraps my arms around me and pulls me close against him. And we talk for a little while about not very much, until I fall asleep.
---
"Don't go," she murmurs, as I start to quietly untangle myself from her, not long before dawn.
"Got to love, 'less you want me hanging about all day tomorrow."
She yawns. "I'll be at class, I won't notice."
I chuckle and I stay. Because she asked me to. And I nestle back down beside her warm body, that still hasn't been covered up yet. I pull a sheet up over us and wrap my arms around her again.
Could die like this.