Soft
Chapter Eight
Love, not unrequited, just unconsummated. It's a different situation to be in. Typical fate, that Tara should love a creature in a male body and that I should love a woman who lusts after her own sex, who loves me only for who I am. Not sex, not lust, just me, just love.
It's worth it. Sides we make do...not completely unconsummated.
But I know she notices that I do desire her. That my kisses are getting too fervent, that I hold her for too long and that I'm ready too quickly. I know she notices.
I also know she likes what we do, I know she is aroused by it. I know I'm not too bad a lover, for a man.
We make an odd couple, the two of us. It took the rest of them awhile to accept us. But then, they never spent much time with us anyway. I think Buffy was actually relieved. Made it easier for her to resist my not inconsiderable charms knowing that I was with someone else. Sides someone else wanting the soulless demon made her feel better about herself. Suddenly started hanging around a lot, asking us both places. Think she felt she ought to keep an eye on me, make sure I didn't hurt Tara.
Willow hates me. Don't blame her. I hated her too, when I thought she had Tara. Hated her when she was hurting Tara. Think if it weren't for Tara tellin' her in no uncertain terms what she'd do if Red magicked me again or either of us for that matter, then I think I'd be a pile of dust by now. Still, when Tara snuggles up to me, I think it'd be worth it too. Willow's behaving anyway, think she values the friendship Tara offered more than anything. The girls had a long talk I take it, rather Tara did a lot of the talking, and Red did a lot of promising. And so what if I'm extra special attentive when Tara gets back from a visit with Red? That's what you do, isn't it, when you don't want to lose something good.
---
It was hard, giving up indecision and giving myself over completely to the idea of being with Spike. And it took a while for me, and him too I think, to adjust to the idea, as well as my friends. The whole making of a choice, no matter how easy it was at the time, to be able to let go and embrace one option, embrace the possibility of Us was hard. Hard, and incredible and amazing. I find myself laughing sometimes when I think about it, and I can't believe I did it, that I decided I wanted Spike. And yet, when I'm lying in Spike's arms, it seems the most natural choice to have made. He…he still has feelings for Buffy, I know. And that's ok because I still care about Willow, despite how angry I was at her for hurting Spike. But Spike and I do love each other. I can hardly believe sometimes that Spike could love me like he does. I'm as amazed about that as I am about my own love for him. I know also that he's being very patient with me, not pushing, accepting what I can offer him sexually. He says nothing but in heated moments he sometimes pulls back and lies quiet for a while, and I know he's trying to control himself. I want to tell him to let go, but I'm not sure I'm ready…yet. I think I will be soon.
I think about Spike while I sit through yet another too long class. He is beautiful. I've known that for a long time, but now I crave that beauty, want to touch it, hold it. Kissing him sometimes doesn't seem enough. I need him to touch me and pleasure me more and more lately. And I need to touch him too. And suddenly I realize that it doesn't matter to me that he's hard and sharp, not soft and curved, that he doesn't have breasts, that he isn't even alive. The shape Spike comes in doesn't matter. I want him, I want the person that is Spike. I think about him and I don't see a man, I see Spike.
And that evening, when he walks across campus to meet me, I accept the warm and tingly feeling I get at the sight of him for what it is. Desire.
---
Tara looks at me intently all the way back to her room. I stop her at the door.
"What?" I ask.
She blushes, which makes it all the more interesting.
"Do, um, do you want to, um." She stops, then touches my hand and looks up at me then, underneath her long lashes. "Tonight?" she asks.
I swallow hard, not sure if I'm understanding correctly, and hoping I am.
"You sure love?" I ask, thinking this a safe bet.
She looks up at me properly then, and lifts her hand to my face.
"We can see how things go, but I don't not want to."
I give her my patented sex-god once-over look then, which always makes her roll her eyes and smile.
---
Things are different, when we get to my room. I'm not sure what to do, and I think Spike is trying not to scare me off. He takes off his coat and sits down, waiting.
I look around the room, and realize that this is a big deal. I'm going to have sexual intercourse. With a man. I shake my head. With Spike. With the person I love. I glance at Spike and smile ruefully at my own silliness.
"Should...um, I think we need candles."
He raises an eyebrow, and I realize that what I said could have been taken in a bad way and I blush.
"Candles would be nice pet," says Spike ignoring any double meaning if he heard it.
I feel him come up beside me as I start putting candles around the room. He lights each one and then when I am finished he runs his hand over my shoulder and steps closer to me.
"Whatever you feel like doing tonight love, and nothing more," he says. I nod and smile at him, I know what I want to do, but his reassurance makes me feel better.
He smirks then, and adds, "Can't say I don't want you though."
I smile and look at him archly as I press forward just so, so that I feel his erection against me, and his eyes flicker shut for a second.
"That's very good to know," I say.
Spike makes a soft, pleased and satisfied sort of sound and his lips brush against mine. My lips part and the soft touch becomes something deeper and harder and I press into Spike. He pulls back, sighing into my hair and trailing kisses along my cheek.
"Love you Glinda."
And then he picks me up and carries me to my bed.
I watch him, so beautiful as he lies beside me, arching over me slightly as he places soft kisses on my face, as his hands trace the shape of my body. I run my hand over his shirt, feeling his sculpted form beneath it. I remember how beautiful and unreal he seemed when I saw him without his shirt. I remember the glimpses of pale skin under his jeans.
"I.I want to see you naked," I say.
He looks at me curiously, questioningly.
I place my hand on the side of his face and kiss his lips. "I want to."
And he nods, serious, and stands up. He undresses for me. And he's not trying to be blatantly sexy or make a show, he's just undressing, watching me, trying to gauge my feelings. That in itself makes it more erotic than anything I could imagine. Finally he pushes his jeans to the ground and he stands before me completely naked and erect. He is beautiful.
"Ok love?" he asks with the faintest smirk.
I can't hide my smile as I blush and nod, I feel the heat rising within me.
He holds out his hand to me and I take it, standing and he pulls me closer so we're almost touching. I reach out and touch his chest, running my fingers over his smooth, hard body. I look up and see Spike watching me.
"You're beautiful," I say.
He reaches out and pushes my hair back from my face.
"So are you."
I run my hands over him some more, enjoying the feel of his hard smooth skin. It's like velvet. Tentatively I place my hand on his penis, eliciting a soft moan from Spike. His hands open and close gently on my waist. The action reminds me of a cat, kneading its paws in contentment.
I feel Spike's hands slide up over me then, and then his fingers pull at the ties on my blouse.
---
I press Tara back onto the bed. Her fingers play over my chest, over my sides to sweep down over my backside and thighs. The wonder on her face and the impressed look when she saw me naked are doing plenty for my ego. I remove her blouse, exposing her glorious breasts. I run my fingers lightly over each, and she seems to like that. And then I push up her skirt, revealing her knickers. I kiss her briefly between the legs and then take off her skirt. She helps me take off her blouse and then I kiss my way back down to her knickers again. She lifts up so I can pull them down and then she's naked before me. I run my hands over every inch of her wonderful warm skin. She's beautiful, the way she arches up and smiles at me, the way her eyes are dark with desire and her cheeks flushed. The scent of her arousal is strong and sends all the right messages to my groin as I part her thighs and sink between them.
---
Spike pleasures me with the same skill and finesse that he always does. But tonight there's something more - in the way his hands glide over my entire body, the way it feels as if his eyes are stroking me too. I feel as if he's possessing me. The pleasure builds inside me as he takes me to that point that he always does, the point at which I want more and more, until finally I orgasm. Tonight, however, he stops before that blissful moment and moves his mouth away. I feel his finger slide into me. It is followed by another and I arch up as his lips return to my clit. I press against his fingers, wanting more, and I know this is the right time. I feel Spike's lips then on my thigh, then my belly, then my breasts as he kisses his way up my body. My fingers slip from where they were twined in his hair and I run them over his forearms, his back, his face as he comes up to look at me.
---
I look into this beautiful giving creature's eyes and all I see is want. There is no hesitation and no fear.
She nods and I shift over her, removing my fingers and placing my cock at her wet, swollen opening.
"Missionary position, love," I say. "For the first time."
She nods and smiles at this, and I push forward, just a little, making her gasp and lift her hips up towards me.
"Ok?"
She nods.
"It's probably a little late to ask if you've ever had anything bigger than my fingers inside you love. Don't want to hurt you, but there could be some bleeding." I hadn't felt a hymen when I was touching her and I know Tara's not technically a virgin, but not having had much experience with deflowering humans I really wouldn't know. Apparently women can lose their hymens doing all sorts of wholesome outdoorsy kinds of activities.
First time for me too, this is, in a way. I kiss Tara at this thought. It occurs to me that my chip may have something to say if I do hurt Tara, but right now my cock thinks it can handle any debilitating headaches that may be caused, not sure how well I'll cope with Tara hurting though. Got to make this good for her.
Tara blushes at my question.
"There.we've.um.a dildo.a small one.bigger than your fingers though."
I grin.
"Now love if I'd known that I would've got you to use it for me. Would like to see you playing with your naughty toy."
She gives me a womanly, knowing look.
"I'd rather you do this first," she says.
I bend down and kiss her, and holding her close, push in some more. I feel her, quivering around me, fragile and strong all at once, and so hot. So very hot.
"You're so beautiful," I say. She smiles at me and I see tears prick her eyes. I stroke her face, and kiss her again. I push forward a little more and Tara lets out a small moan.
"Ok pet?"
"It's good. Different. Don't stop."
I pull back, just a little, then push forward more. Tara is panting now, and I feel her heart racing beneath me. I give once last push and am sheathed completely inside her. I close my eyes for a moment, letting the intense sensation wash over me. When I open my eyes I see Tara looking up at me.
"Good?" I ask.
Tara smiles as best she can.
"Good," she breathes.
I nod and pull out and start thrusting, slow, gentle strokes. Been wanting to do this for so long. Hope she likes it.
Tara begins to move her hips, meeting my thrusts, making them stronger, harder.
"Good?" I ask again.
"Very good," she gasps, her eyes still so dark and lust filled. She touches my face. "Is...does it feel good?"
"Very, very," I say.
---
Spike's expression is so loving, and he seems so overcome by this, that it makes me want to cry. And this feeling of him inside me is so intense I don't know whether its pleasure or bordering on pain. His pelvis rubs against my clit as well, sending more pleasure spreading through me on each thrust.
"We can stop whenever you want to love," Spike says then and I realize he's stilled and that he's watching me.
"No, I'm, I'm fine."
"I don't want to hurt you, want you to like this."
I smile and touch his face. "I do, I like it."
He bends down and kisses me then and starts thrusting once more, slightly faster.
"Won't come in you love," he says. "Need to go too fast to do that yet."
"Its ok-" I start to say but he silences me with a kiss.
"So hot," he murmurs as he pulls back. "So tight."
I wrap my legs around his waist and try to match his quickening thrusts. He deliberately presses his groin against my clit on each thrust and his head dips down to toy with my nipples.
It's so good, I feel the pleasure rising.
"Yes Tara, come for me pet, come for me."
And then I do. Wave, upon wave of pleasure crashing upon me. It feels like when I came with Spike or Willow's fingers inside me, only more so, with my vagina walls clenching around his penis.
I cry out, and again as the throbs run through me, and Spike groans.
"God, yes, Tara, yes."
I lie there shuddering for a moment, with Spike stroking my hair and kissing me gently. The kisses feel so good and my body feels all tingly. I let out a short laugh and smile at him.
"All right then?"
"That was.so intense." And I laugh again. Spike kisses me again. With a little bit of discomfit he pulls out. He's still hard. I reach for him, but he stops my hand.
"Enjoy your orgasm time pet, I just want to watch you." He props himself up on one elbow and starts to stroke himself.
I wrap my arms around him and try not to fall asleep. I reach out my hand and trace my fingers along the curve of his throat. Spike groans, so I touch him again, and reach up and kiss him there, just in the dip of his collarbone. He gasps and lies back on the bed. I kiss up the column of his throat and nibble his ear lobe then kiss down his neck again, this time with small nibbles. I find an old, old scar, twin bite marks, and taste it with the tip of my tongue before grazing it with my teeth. With a jerk Spike arches up and gasps out my name as he comes.
I want to explore his body, find all the other secret spots that make him…react.
---
I lie back and pull Tara tight against me. I feel completely happy if that's at all possible.
"Can I turn you love, keep you forever?" I ask, though I don't really mean it. I'd keep her forever if I could, but I could never change her.
She giggles from where she's snuggled against me.
"You like me bitey?" she asks.
"Yeah love, very much."
"Hmm," she says and plays with my nipple. The soft, delicate touch of her fingers tracing over my chest sends shivers through me. I roll over suddenly, catching her under me. I look down at the most beautiful creature I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
"Hmmm indeed," I say. I'm getting hard again, just looking at her. "So this is what being naked with you is like."
She gives me a wicked look and shifts under me just so.
"I like it," she says.
"You do, do you?"
She nods and says seriously. "Uhuh. I think we can do this more often, if you like."
And I laugh and lean against her for a moment overcome by just how bloody lucky I am.
---
I like the way Spike looks at me, his bottom lip catching between his teeth for a second, the way his eyes trail over my body, the way he looks like he wants to sink into me completely. As he bends his face down and nuzzles at my jawline, at my ear and then my neck, I arch up to him, wanting to feel his body against me again. He groans and laughs a little.
"Too nice," he says. Then says in a mock American accent. "You make me want to be a better man."
I can't help but smile.
"Was that Jack Nicholson?" I ask sceptically.
He growls, an actual growl. "Yes!"
And I laugh and he pulls me against him and we roll over and over until he's above me again.
"You do though," he says. "You treat me like I'm a better man than I am."
I'm not sure what to say.
"You are a good person, Spike. That's why I love you." Then I smile. "That and the not having to breathe." And I do my best impression of him raising his eyebrow.
He laughs.
"Don't need to tell me twice love," he says, moving downwards and proceeding to give me my second orgasm for the evening.
---
"How did I find you?" I ask her, later, when we're both too tired to shag.
"You didn't," she says softly. "I think you were drunk and I found you."
"Yeah you did, didn't you? You were warm and soft and exactly what I needed. Need," I amend.
She's silent for a bit, and I think she's asleep, but then she speaks again, the best words she could tell me.
"I'm happy Spike."
I hold her tighter.
"Yeah love, me too." She snuggles up against me and we arrange ourselves into sleeping positions we've become accustomed to over the last few weeks.
And I think that no matter what happens, it will be worth it, for this moment.
~Fin~