Sweet Revenge
Part Sixteen
Xander peered though the haze. Another college party filled with people he didn't know. On the plus side the place looked great, though they'd really gone mad with the Hawaiian theme. He dropped his wreath of flowers over the head of a girl looking very much the worse for wear. She obviously had the right idea. He wandered over to the punch bowl and helped himself to a glassful. Although he hadn't wanted to come tonight it really wasn't so bad. Mostly thanks to the large amounts of alcohol he was taking in.
"Hey!" Buffy bounced over to him, "you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Come and dance with me."
"Um, Buff I don't . . ."
"Oh come on you can't say no." She smiled at him, and for a second he was reminded of why he'd fallen so completely in love with her back in high school, before Angelus and Faith and Glory and just too many tough choices had sealed the impatient and somewhat glitzy, hardened image she was putting out these days. It was a flash to the girl she had been, still was at her core. Sensitive. Kind. Impossible to refuse. He let himself be dragged onto the dance floor and took her in his arms. It felt . . .pretty good. Nice to be holding someone. He hadn't realised how much he missed it.
/Spike never holds me/ He shoved that thought to the very back of his mind. He didn't want to think about Spike tonight.
"So you having a load of fun?" he asked.
"You know I am. Dancing with you is way better than trying to hook up with some good looking guy."
"Be still my heart."
They danced in silence for a few seconds then Buffy said awkwardly. "Xander are you . . .is everything ok? I mean with, well everything, cause you know you can talk to me. If anything or um, any*one* has upset you."
He blamed the alcohol and nostalgia for the lump that rose in his throat and swallowed it down determinedly. "I'm fine Buff!" He said in as cheery a tone as he could manage. " The only problem I'm having is wondering how badly you'd kick my ass if I tread on your feet."
"You already have " she grinned. "Seriously though. If you ever need, well, anything . . ."
"I hear you. And thanks, but I'm fine." He tried for a smile and felt like it missed but Buffy looked convinced.
"Good. So have seen any hotties yet?"
"I appear to be dancing with one" he teased.
She smiled. "Why thank you kind sir, but I mean girls to enter date territory with."
"I don't think I'm ready to enter date territory Buff. I think date territory is going to be an unmarked, unmapped place for some time to come."
"Oh Xander, just try it! I guarantee " she grinned "it'll make you feel much better!"
---
After the dance Xander weaved his way unsteadily through the crowd back to the punch bowl. He wasn't much of a drinker, his parents had knocked any interest he might have felt in booze right out of him, but tonight was a night to push rules out the window and it was making everything pleasantly woozy, and that was pretty damn appealing right now. It felt like he'd been caught like this forever, every minute of the day he was worrying about Spike, wondering what the hell was going on with him and he couldn't take anymore. He just wanted to stop *thinking* about it just for a night. He was sick of feeling like this, miserable and scared. Cut off from friends. Sick of being used and forgotten about, pining for Spike like he was a drug in between hating him. For one night it would be so good to let it go, to forget, to lose himself, to just get *away* from the hell that was his life. He couldn't stand feeling like this another minute.
"Xander?"
He turned to face a girl who despite appearing in triplicate looked vaguely familiar, pretty with gorgeous reddy gold hair.
For a moment he frowned trying to place her.
"Xander it is you right?"
"Yep it's me alright" Xander agreed, would it be rude to ask who she was?
"It's Julie" She supplied seeing his difficulty, "I guess you don't remember me. We met at the frat party last year? You know the uh, incredibly scary one?"
"Sure I remember" it was coming back to him now. This was the girl he'd been trying to impress after having a fight with Anya. He remembered the party more clearly than her, but then it was hard to forget a party that had released poltergeists thanks to Buffy and Riley screwing the night away.
He smiled at her a little dizzily, glad to see she didn't seem to have any lasting scars about thinking she was wicked and unclean. Not if the somewhat flimsy top and clinging pants she was wearing were anything to go by. The alcohol and the haze might be playing tricks on him, but he thought she was standing a little closer than she really needed to be, and that was fine, it was kind of nice, reminding him of taking Buffy in his arms on the dance floor and the scent of her perfume brought back dozens of memories of Anya and nights when she lay next to him.
"So how have you been?" he asked, feeling proud he wasn't slurring his words at all.
"Oh okay, you know" She gave him a wry smile. "My hair grew back."
"Right." The key to not giving away you were drunk was to not say too much.
"They think someone spiked the punch at that party."
"Ah." He considered telling her the truth but decided against it, the people of Sunnydale had brought denial to an art form. Why spoil it. Besides then she might go away and he liked having her here, she sure was pretty to look at.
"Anyway I'm sorry about freaking out on you that night."
"Hey no problem, really, I'm used to people running away at great speed."
She laughed and did that thing that girls do, that thing were they look up at you from under their lashes and it makes you feel like you're the only damn guy in the room, and a warmth, not entirely due to the alcohol spread out in his stomach, and maybe Buffy was right about girls and date territory.
"I never got the chance to thank you, for trying to help me."
"Oh, I um, you're welcome" he stammered. /Great where's my fast moving mouth when I need it?/
"So are you having fun?"She did that eyelash thing again as she smiled at him. "It's getting better." Xander let his eyes flick over her slowly, a way he'd never have dared do when he was sober in case he got his face slapped, but she didn't seem to want to slap him. "Do you feel brave enough to chance some punch tonight?"
She smiled. "Only if you have some with me."
He took the glass she handed him and looked at her for a moment. Maybe this wasn't the best idea, but the haze was comfortable and the girl was smiling and screw it. He was tired of being miserable.
---
Slipping into the party Spike prowled around, keeping his eyes open for the Scoobies. The noise of the party and the scent of all the perfume and aftershave made it hard for him to instinctively home in on whoever he was looking for, he was looking so hard into the haze that he damn near mowed the Slayer down. Looking exceptionally lovely tonight. And exceptionally pissed off. Obviously expecting him to take the shine off her night. And who was he to fly in the face of tradition?
"Small world" he mused mockingly. He wouldn't have thought it humanly possible but her glare intensified.
"Oh dear, If looks could stake. Having fun pet? " He grinned, he knew she hated it when he called her that. He glanced after the guy she'd obviously been trying to pull, Ben something he thought. From what he could tell a pretty average guy all round /thought she'd have learnt her lesson with soldier boy./ "Trolling for your next ex? Gotta say, you can do better." /Like a Scum demon. And he'd be the looker/ He bit his lip to keep from laughing.
"I told you I . . ."
"Thought I was gonna leave town. It's a free country, Free party." /And if you think I'm gonna leave when life is so full you've got another think coming Slayer, Xander's to shag, pictures to take, busy, busy, busy/
"If you want me to leave" he upped his leer so a blind nun would have had no difficulty in understanding him "you can put your hands on my hot tight little body and make me."
"Get away from me."
Hatred dripping from every word. And he forgotten how much fun it was to piss her off to the point where she was practically spitting venom. He drew breath for his next insult when just over her shoulder he caught a glimpse dim and fleeting of Xander. Losing interest instantly in exchanging insults he nodded absently to the Slayer and backed away, trying to get a better view and my, my he was looking good enough to eat tonight in some pretty subdued clothes for a change. Maybe tonight would be the night to fuck that hot beautiful mouth of his. The excitement began to radiate through him as he squinted through the haze, no wonder he'd nearly missed him all tucked away in the corner talking . . .to . . .that . .girl.
His eyes widened and the rest of the party faded to grey, a roaring sound in his ears as he stared in disbelief at Xander and the girl.
A girl. Xander and a girl looking all kinds of cosy, a pretty little thing too, all reddy gold curls and a big smile. Jealousy rose like bile in his throat as he took in the sight of Xander nodding along to whatever the girl was saying, then obviously made a quip of some sort because the girl burst out laughing and touched him on the arm. And left her hand there.
Xander leaned in closer to the girl and for one awful endless moment Spike thought he was going to kiss her. Instead he stroked a curl, letting it run through his fingers his face amused and admiring as he pulled out a tiny petal that had obviously been caught there. The girl went up on her tip toes and pulled Xander to her so she could whisper something in his ear, and they both laughed again.
A growl ripped through Spike and he looked away, because he couldn't bear to see anymore, then looked back because he just couldn't stand not to see, not to know. And Xander's hand was on her shoulder moving down her arm. Up again, and maybe the Slayer was even now sticking pins into a voodoo doll of him, because *something* had to be causing this awful painful burn in his chest. He watched with mounting horror as Xander slowly and seductively stroked her skin and the girl stepped even closer to him, so they were scant inches away and she let her finger trace down his face. /Mine. Stop that *I'm* the one that gets to touch him! Get away from him bitch, he's *mine*!/ That was one lucky little girl there was a chip in his head otherwise that pretty little head with all it's curls would be ripped off for him to play football with and /easy, easy, don't vamp out, not here, not now/ but that roaring in his ears is getting louder and his fists were clenching tighter and /I'm a reasonable sort of vamp but there's gonna be blood and screams if he doesn't get the hell away from her/
/Come on Xander smile and leave, smile and leave, in fact don't even bother with the smile just leave please, okay? Just . . .please/ Which went to show what a waste praying was as the girl reached up to run her fingers through Xander's hair and he pushed against her hand like a cat, he was rocking a little on his, feet, obviously had a few to drink, but the girl didn't seem to mind as she slid an arm around his waist supposedly to support him.
"Spike what are you doing here?"
Spike jumped and saw Red in front of him - he hadn't even seen her approach.
"Just keeping my eyes on things Red" he spat through clenched teeth.
"If you're going to cause trouble . . ."
"I'm not causing bloody trouble" /But I soon will be if you don't get out of my face and let me see what the hell is going on over there./
She turned to follow his eyeline and saw him watching Xander talking to Julie. She glanced up at Spike and said casually. "Xander's been talking to her for an hour, they really seem to have hit it off."
"Is that right?" Spike spat as his eyes flashed yellow. /Knew I should have got here earlier, oh fuck, shit, shit shit, don't do what I think you're going to do . . ./
They watched, Spike in horror and Willow in interest as Julie took Xander's hand and led him out of the party.
"Make that definitely hit it off." Willow summed up.
"Have you seen Warren?"
"What? Who?" Willow turned to answer the peachy, pretty girl who was talking to her and he took the opportunity to slip past. Xander and the girl had gone.
/Relax, relax, part of the goody gang remember? Not a casual pick up kind of guy./ Except someone had obviously forgotten to tell Xander that as he darted outside just in time to see Xander getting into a car with her. For a second he stood frozen as they roared away, then he shook himself out of his shock and began to run after them, but stopped before he'd even reached the end of the street. There was no way he could catch them.
"Fuck!" He gasped, his voice coming out strangely broken and almost tearful.
"Shit." He lit up a smoke with trembling fingers. Inhaling with ragged breaths. So Xander had picked up a girl. Fine. So what. It was too late to stop Spike doing whatever he wanted now, he could still destroy Xander. Let him have a night off. He didn't care.
The fucking cigarette had gone out, he tried to relight it, then realised it hadn't gone out, it just wasn't calming him the way it should. He threw it on the floor, he didn't need it, he didn't care. Xander was just an unexpectedly useful pawn to checkmate the Slayer. That was all. So if Xander was just a pawn why did the sight of him with that girl, the thought of what they were probably doing right now hurt so much?
Spike was damned if he knew why.
He just knew it did.
Part SeventeenXander sank woozily onto the couch. The room was spinning but it felt nice, if a little weird. Everything about tonight had been nice if a little weird, but hey he didn't have a problem with that. Escaping from his life that was what it was all about and he thought he was doing pretty well. /See Spike you bastard. I don't need you/
He wondered if Julie would be mad if he closed his eyes for a second and decided she would. She'd been so keen on bringing him back for a drink the least he could do was stay awake. "Hey" She said amused as she sat next to him handing him a glass of something cool and fruity tasting. "Not flaking out on me are you?"
"Nuh uh. Not me."
"Good." She gazed at him for a moment. "Because I've been wanting to do this for a while now."
And it was like floating out of his body, watching from a distance as she leaned in to him her eyes drifting closed as she brushed her mouth lightly over his, letting the faintest hint of her tongue trace along his mouth askingly, and suddenly sleepy was the last thing he was feeling. Carefully, without breaking the kiss he set his glass down, and let his arms slide around her, pulling her closer to him, and hell she felt good. Smelt good. Tasted good. And slow and distant suddenly wasn't good enough anymore as her hot tongue traced a path of fire into his mouth, arousal zinging throughout his body, pooling in his groin and yeah his mind might be befuddled but his body seems to know what it's doing so he'll just let it take over from here on as his mouth was exploring hers, tongues sliding against each others and the room was still spinning and her lips were feather soft, sucking on his bottom lip and he had a lapful of a beautiful girl and it was all good. The need to be close to her, to feel her against him was overpowering. Pushing her back until she was lying on the couch, lowering himself on top of her and he'd almost forgotten what a girl felt like. Sweet and soft and curving. Fitting against his body perfectly as she hooked her leg over his and ground her body closer into him. Moaning into her mouth he slid his hands under her top and she lifted her arms letting him pull it off, her skin was smooth and so *hot*.
/Wonder if this is what Spike feels with me/
He frowned, almost shook his head to dislodge that thought that had flown into his head out of nowhere. His hands traced her breasts through her bra and she arched up into him as he trailed kisses down her neck. Breath coming faster now and almost unnoticed they'd slid into a rhythm, bodies thrusting against each other his hardness rocking into her, only the barrier of clothing preventing him from sliding inside, and this, oh this, it was so good, so familiar, no pain or confusion just bodies and sweet scent and heat.
And thoughts.
Stupid, betraying thoughts. Kept buzzing through his head. Irritating little flies that won't leave him alone.
/This isn't right/ He opened his eyes and looked into hers. Serious and wide. A gorgeous greeny colour. Not like Spike's, a pure blue.
/Yes it is, yes it is, yes it is/ He trailed his hand down her thigh and squeezed his eyes closed, her hands were sliding under his shirt to gently scratch down his back.
/Too hot/
He shuddered and dropped his head, kissing across her breasts, but memories of a cool silky chest washed over him. She was arching up into his mouth making small moans and gasps and all he wanted was to crawl in from out of the cold, to a place where there was no more Spike, except Spike was here, because he couldn't stop *thinking* about him! /No, no, no. Damn you, you bastard just get out of my head!/
He kissed her again, hard, almost angrily, trying to get Spike out of his mind, trying to lose his thoughts in her warm mouth and the taste of mint on her breath, but he was remembering kisses that were cool, tasting of smoke, kisses that felt like they were swallowing him up, kisses that were the best he'd ever had.
Sliding his hand between her legs, rubbing through the material. She moaned into his mouth and let her hand begin squeezing him through his jeans, and it was like trying to swim in water that was just too shallow, and sleeping with the light on and feeling one person against you and wishing it was someone else, and he wanted to scream with frustration.
/No, this isn't fair I won't let him do this to me!/ He was going to forget about Spike if it killed him. Unzipping her pants clumsily and letting his hand slide under her panties. Finding the spot, the place that had her bucking under his hand, and cutting off her moan by sealing his mouth over hers. Letting his fingers slide into her, heat and tightness surrounding his fingers as his thumb circled right there.
And she was bucking desperately under his fingers, her hands clenched on his shoulders, her gasps vibrating into his mouth.
"Xander" she moaned into his mouth.
"Xander" Spike had moaned against his neck.
How can his name sound so different coming from two different people? Hands, his and hers roaming frantically over each others bodies and he hears the sound of his zip a split second before she took him in her hand and he's hard and aching, but he doesn't know who for and he's missing the feel of cool skin and that wicked mouth, but he can't really stop now . . . "Julie" he groaned, not even sure now what he was trying to say. Stop? More? And her hand was moving, stroking and yes it felt good. Everything felt good.
It just didn't feel right.
Gasps and bucks and the light is bright against his closed eyes and everything feels so weird he's too close yet somehow too distant and it's too intimate for strangers so he really should stop this but the drink is ruining any control and she stiffened with a cry as he touched that place again, her hand compulsively tightening on him is enough to make him follow. And gradually, panting a little he opened his eyes to look at her.
Julie all dishevelled and flushed, partly crumpled against the back of the couch, partly underneath him smiled at him shyly and he had to bite his lip and look away because she was so pretty and her eyes weren't blue.
Part EighteenThe night air was cool against Xander's overheated cheeks as he walked home. Walking faster, trying to leave the memories far behind him, but the harder he tried not think of it the more he kept coming back to it.
Fooling around with a girl and all he could think of was Spike.
This was so humiliating. A gorgeous girl, practically begging him to stay with her for all kinds of naked fun, so ironically he must have done something right with the groping on the couch but what had he done? He'd come up with the feeblest excuse in the world about working in the morning and hightailed it for home because he couldn't have sex with her. For one thing it wouldn't be fair to her, and for another . . .
The other problem was his own sick self. The only person he wanted to be with was Spike. But that sounded rather more cosy than it actually was.
Spike was making him sick. That was the truth of it. Lust sick, literally, sick with lust. Dying for his touch. He felt so empty without him. Yeah it was crazy but when Spike was next to him, his cool skin brushing against him, sliding into him he felt so . . .right. So complete. And there was no way Spike felt the same because if he did he wouldn't keep treating Xander the way he did and he *hated* this. Burning for someone who had made it very clear he had nothing but contempt for him. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Spike once, just *once* showed some sign that he cared in some tiny way, that Xander wasn't just a *thing* an object to be used . . .But of course he didn't. He didn't care at all.
/Yet again I've managed to screw up my life on a truly spectacular scale. At this point I should qualify for some kind of award. Always being used. Cordy, who was ashamed to be seen with me, losing my virginity to Little Miss Psychotic, she tried to *kill* me./ He cut that thought off, he couldn't bear to remember Faith. That was in a big box labelled 'Never Open'. /Anya who left me high and dry, and now Spike/ Why did this keep happening to him? He tried to be a good guy, he could be in bed with Julie right now but he wasn't because he just didn't use people like that. Nope, always the used, that was him, never the user. Always being dropped and treated like human trash, well no more!
He walked faster, his anger powering him so he felt as through he was practically flying. The anger and the alcohol creating a red mist where everything was so simple. He couldn't go on like this. Spike, the bastard was screwing him in every fucking way. Over and over. /Well hope you enjoyed the ride Spike, pun definitely intended because it's over!/
There was only one way out of this. Treat Spike like a drug he'd accidentally got hooked on and go cold turkey. No more Spike.
A sharp pang of something, fear? Loss? Had to throb and disperse before he could think again. It had to stop, whatever Spike's reasons were for starting this just weren't important anymore. The only thing that was important was getting his life back, and maybe some tiny measure of self respect. No more being treated like a toy. If . . .when Spike next turned up he was going to tell him it was over. Tomorrow he'd call Willow and get her to come round and do the de-invite spell. But what if Spike told the others?
"Then bring it on." He muttered as he approached his apartment, "cos I'm tired of playing these games."
He couldn't help but feel relieved as he approached his front door, it had been an eventful night one way and another even though it was barely midnight. At least now he could drop into bed and sleep, the prospect of total oblivion for a few hours was incredibly appealing. He took out his key, then paused. Looked at his front door that had been left ajar. And knew, just knew that some intruder had been in his home. Was still in his home. The anger still thrumming through him made him want to throw the door open and beat whoever was in there to a bloody pulp, but some small part of him that remained dispassionate warned him that could be a good way to get killed. Instead he swallowed it down and moving oh, so slowly he laid a finger on the door and gently pushed it open.
The door slowly swung open to reveal his apartment and he stepped inside.
Spike was sitting on the couch.
He raised a sardonic eyebrow.
"Surprise."
---
Spike had taken his duster off, sprawled himself out on the couch, making himself look the very picture of relaxation, never mind that his spine felt like it had been fused and every damn muscle was aching with tension, and yeah he knew it was crazy coming here, pathetic in fact but he couldn't help it, he had to know what had happened. He felt a fierce charge of relief as Xander walked in, felt the almost insane urge to throw himself at the lad, hold him, never let him go in case he disappeared on him. Kiss every inch of the boys /his boys/ face. It was alright he hadn't stayed with her, maybe they'd just gone for ice cream or something, he didn't know but it was okay . . .
Then the scent hit him, the salty tang of sweat and semen, the smell of a girls orgasm swirling around him like a haze, and hey it might smell like strawberries and musk but all that he could smell was an arid stench, because that meant that Xander had done it. He'd actually slept with her. He'd actually done it.
Awful ripping hurt tearing through him and something stung in his eyes. For a second Xander blurred before him, but that was just the anger, that was what it was, blind with rage, literally. His fingernails dug into his palms but he couldn't move. So fucking *angry* with the lad /not hurt, angry, not hurt/ he could kill him, who the hell did he think he was making him feel like this?
Xander stared at Spike, speechless for a moment, forcibly hit by his beauty. He hadn't seen Spike for days and he'd somehow forgotten how he was so perfect it was almost painful to look at him. And he was here right now . . .
Yeah here right now, without Xander's consent. The anger began to burn again. Spike was doing it *again* just walking in and taking what he wanted, well this time he had a surprise coming. He slammed the door and glared at Spike.
"Do you usually walk into other peoples homes while they're out? Well you can just get out because as far as I'm concerned your invite is revoked and tomorrow I'm making it official. It's over Spike."
/Over./ Spike swallowed down some painful lump in his throat at the word. Over. No, no, no. Not over, it couldn't be. Xander was his, all his, he wasn't going to lose him, he couldn't bear it. He was still in control here and he wouldn't *let* it be over.
"I mean it. You might as well leave now because I am never going to sleep with you again." Arms folded Xander glared at Spike, but felt suddenly . .. uncomfortable. Spike was still sprawled on the couch in the exact same position, yet somehow without moving an inch his posture had changed, become less relaxed and more coiled, like he was getting ready to pounce and it's been a long night and he really doesn't need this . . .
"I mean it" Xander repeated but it feels like he's missed a trick here somewhere and his resolve is draining away and he took a sudden instinctive step back, but it came too late because in a blur of movement Spike had him pinned up against the wall before he'd even registered what was going on.
"No you don't"
"Spike no . . ."
"Shut up." And Spike sounded almost tearful, pissed off, his mouth on Xander's and he was kissing him. Hard.
Spike ran his tongue along the velvet of Xander's mouth trying to wipe away any scent of the girl from him. He hadn't realized until just now how much it meant to have his lingering scent on Xander, marking him, but Xander struggled, freed his mouth and pushed him away. "Why are you doing this?" The boy yelled, tears and rage and all harsh things in his voice, but at least it means he's feeling *something* for Spike and it's a hollow kind of victory but he'll take anything he can get. "What the hell do you *want*?"
And Xander found himself shoved back into the wall and Spike is almost glaring at him, leaning into his face and this is so not good . . .
"I want to fuck you." Harsh, angry and Xander's never seen Spike like this before, hard and frantic and really, really pissed off, can feel the anger in the palpable tension coming from the body pressed against his, can hear it in the growls Spike is making, vibrating into his mouth as he kisses him again, Spike flush against him, grinding into him hardness thrusting against hardness and oh *fuck*. Doesn't know why Spike is so upset, doesn't care. This is what it should be like how could he ever let it go, an almost painful hitching deep in his stomach, the achingly familiar feel of Spike's mouth on his and he's gasping for air but can't quite get enough and fuck it, who cares? Drowning, drowning, in this kiss, opening his mouth and meeting Spike's tongue with his own his hands scrabbling at the fastening on Spike's jeans, as he toes off his shoes because everything is just a waste of time all that matters is getting naked, now, if clothes would just vanish that would be perfect. Has to touch, feel, wants to fuck all night, wants to do *everything*, suck him and take him, and be taken, make himself all open all for Spike, all for Spike...
Spike pulled back, drinking in Xander's whimper of dismay like it was nectar.
"See?" Spike panted, "not over until *I* say so."
And somehow those words, the look on Spike's face, the mixture of triumph and hate brought Xander back to himself, reminding him of exactly how shit he felt, how humiliated and hurt every time Spike walked away after *using* him. With a thud he could almost feel body and brain reconnected. He grabbed Spike' shoulders and shoved him away. Hard.
Spike flew back, stumbling against the coffee table.
"Ow!"
"You . . ." His voice doesn't seem to want to work and his knees are decidedly shaky, but fuck this, he *won't* be Spike's toy for the night. "Don't touch me." He wiped his mouth with a shaking hand trying to eradicate the taste, the memory of the way he just gave in to him. His voice trembling but determined. "Don't ever touch me like that again."
"You're the one that wanted it you bloody poof." Spike snarled as he righted himself.
"Nice to see you acting like yourself again. Knew the real you was in there somewhere, take it outside Spike."
"I'd much rather shove it inside." Spike spat out.
"Get used to disappointment." Xander managed to get out as he backed away on trembling legs. /That's it. Every step takes me closer to sanity./ Somehow he thought if he could just get far enough away he would STOP wanting Spike. /Yeah because it's worked so well before./ "Whatever twisted game you're playing Spike I'm not going along with it anymore, it's over. The end."
"This. Is. No. Game." Spike ground out.
His head still spinning from the kiss and the alcohol earlier, Xander didn't notice Spike's eyes flash yellow, didn't hear the underlying threat in his tone as his words came out dangerously slow.
"I don't care what it is Spike, I'm telling you it's over and don't try any threats they won't work." Too caught up in trying to avoid one mistake he didn't notice as he headed straight for the biggest mistake of all. " And don't try to scare me. You've got that chip remember? You'll never make me do anything I don't really want to do!"
Spike's face was expressionless but his blue eyes darkened to almost black as he stared at Xander.
"Is that right?" Softly spoken, sounds almost calm, but for the underlying steel in his voice and the burn in his eyes you wouldn't know that he's just made William the Bloody very angry. Frozen. Mouth going dry. Suddenly knowing it's only the chip, tiny little piece of metal holding Spike back. The violence was radiating out from him, the room is almost shimmering with it. A predator, deadly and very, very pissed off and he's trapped and Xander felt his anger flee as fear. Cold. Icy. Began to trickle through his body.
"Spike I didn't mean . . " Shaking, trying to somehow put this back, put it right, but when things go wrong so far then they just keep getting wronger and Spike is very slowly coming towards him.
"Didn't mean what luv? You're quite right. I can't force you to do anything. Can I?"
Spike slowly moving towards him, and Xander backed up against the wall. "What are you doing?" Hoarse whisper and he hates the fear that's apparent in his voice.
"Nothing you don't want me too. Isn't that what you've just been saying to me Xander? No need to be scared now, since I can't do anything you don't want." The last word almost spat out, tiny, tiny expression of how pissed Spike is and oh shit, oh no . . .
"Spike . . .I'm sorry . . .I . . ."
"Take your jeans off." Whispered soft, falsely seductive and a huge wallop of terror hits him right in the chest and this is so so bad and Spike is way too close and surely oh please God, surely he's got this wrong, this can't be about to happen . . .
"No" Gasped under his breath and /trapped trapped trapped/ And he has to move, has to get away cos those eyes were suddenly spitting blue fire, his jaw line rigid, like he might just decide killing Xander was worth the pain . . .
"Take. Your. Fucking. Jeans. Off." He leaned inches away from Xander, his hands were on the wall on either side of Xander's face.
"If you lay one finger on me . . ." He'll what? Stake him? He has to get out of here but Spike's eyes are pinning him down and all he can do is mouth empty threats and knows Spike can sense the terror stringing through him.
"I'm going to lay a whole lot more than that on you . . ." A growl and Spike's eyes flash yellow and a split second before he moves to *slam* Xander into the wall he breaks from his paralysis, ducks from under Spike's arms and quickly darts past Spike /ohgodohgodohgod/ hears Spike curse and gets almost to the door before he feels those cold hands grab him. Bends over desperately trying to throw Spike off over his back, and it almost works, feels Spike lose his balance for a split second before he regains it and Spike is pressing his rock hard erection into Xander's backside. Wriggling and writhing even more franticly to try and escape but the cold hands are bruising his arms and each movement is only making him thrust back against Spike harder.
Spike swallowed a groan back at the feel of Xander pushing against him and managed to breath into his ear. "Easy, easy, eager little thing aren't you?"
"No" The small whisper hit his ears as he unzipped Xander's jeans and pulled his already stiffening cock out. /Not eager but still hard for me though aren't you?/
"I can't force you" Spike whispered in a mockingly gentle tone as his hand moved, coaxing him to full hardness as he stood, frozen, want throbbing through him alongside the terror and oh God, was it even possible for this to get any more twisted? Obviously it was because it's taking everything in him not to thrust, to fuck Spike's hand.
"You must want me" he breathed in Xander's ear. "You do don't you pet? Feel that?" Tighter grip on Xander's cock and a long hard down stroke. The groan escapes before he can swallow it and he knows Spike is smiling. A smile that would chill his blood if he could see it. "You want me. Want me to wank you. Suck you. Take you so hard you see fucking stars. Isn't that right?" Licking around his ear and a tremor ran through the lad.
"No." Whimpered pleadingly through gritted teeth, and oh hell, Spike's hand is pumping.
"If you say that again so help me Christ . . ." he growled furiously. Xander grabbed Spike's wrist and turned to face him as best he could against Spike's vampire strength.
"No!" Strong, determined. Smouldering brown eyes clashed with fiery blue.
Spike spun Xander around, wound his legs around Xander's the brunette tried to struggle away and Spike didn't try to hold him still, just hung on to him. They both crashed to the floor, Spike on top, his legs straddling Xander, knocking all the air out of him, pinned by his weight, Xander bucked trying to writhe away from Spike. He grabbed Xander's flailing arms, pushing them into the floor, holding him still with his vamp strength and his mouth is running off, can't control it, can't stop himself and his demon is howling with delight and all he can hear is the blood roaring in his ears and what must be him saying "Yeah I can't force you, you must want me, you do don't you say you do Xander say you want me, say it . .."
"No no, fucking NO!"
Dark hair and soft mouth and hard body and they were HIS, chip or no chip he'd kill anyone who tried to take him away.
Xander bucked wildly under him, trying to throw him off, hard pelvis banging together. And it's all out of control, trying to get a grip on slippery glass and mind is a long way away and her hands, her smell was all over him the bitch had touched what was his, stroking where he stroked, and he couldn't bear it.
"Get. Off. Me." Panted as he struggles under Spike.
"Make me."
"I will kill you if you don't get of me." Dark eyes and they've never had that look in them before, pure, burning hate and that's something he's got out of the lad anyway, not love, but almost as good, or that's what he's telling himself.
"I'll take my chances."
Pushing down pinning Xander's hands above his head enough pressure to break his wrists if he moves again and Xander's getting frantic now and he couldn't really hurt the lad, of course he couldn't, he couldn't get round the damn chip that much, if Xander really did want him off he could do it, but the heat coming from his body, the hardness pressed into his and the struggles that just fell short of being convincing was telling him that he didn't.
Grasping both Xander's wrists in one hand as he yanks Xander's jeans, boxers, down and off and he should leave it there but he needs to feel Xander against him everywhere, trying to get him naked one-handed as the lad struggles under him.
"Fuck" Just rips the shirt Xander's wearing practically in half and he keeps reciting to himself intent is everything, intent is everything. If he didn't intend to hurt the lad the chip wouldn't go off but he did. Oh he did want to hurt him just a little but he keeps pushing it down and in his head he can almost hear the chip humming, getting ready to fry him if he makes just one wrong move if Xander would just stop *fighting*.
"Keep. Fucking. STILL!" With one hand Spike managed to work the fastening on his jeans pulling his cock out, that's so hard it hurts, kissing Xander and if the victory tastes sour it's lost in the sweetness of his boys mouth and Xander is biting his lip hard, Spike can feel the blood pouring from his mouth into Xander's but doesn't let up from the kiss. Moves so he's pushing Xander's legs apart with his knees, pressing against Xander and thrusts and rubs, thrusts and rubs, cock riding against cock, sweet frantic friction and Xander was trying to hold his moans back, but thank god for vampire hearing he could sense them rippling in his throat. Pumps Xander, once, twice and gathers the glistening strands of pre-cum in his hand and pulls away to spit into his hand, coating his cock with spit and blood and pre-cum because the lube might only be in his pocket but that's just far too far away right now and Xander's just gonna have to take it rough.
Releasing Xander's wrists as he moves himself into position, the slide of his cock in the crease of Xander's ass, pressing forward like it just can't wait to get there, and now is Xander's chance to stop this to get away. Waiting for a moment to see what he'll do and Xander lay still, panting heavily, staring up at him.
"Good lad." Spike said shakily.
"I *hate* you." Xander spat through tears of humiliation shining in his eyes as he felt the nudge of Spike's cock at his entrance.
"And my god I hate you too." Spike ground out between clenched teeth and *slammed* into him. Xander's eyes flew open and he's biting his hand trying to keep the cries in as Spike slammed in again and again. So much pain, he's being split in two and it won't stop, the worlds just gone away to trying to survive that huge blunt thing that's inside him and *moving* and he's choking back tears that he won't let out and it's awful and wrenching and it's swallowing him up and it's all hot and cold and pain and how has he ever thought this was good, when there's a shift in positions and suddenly he's caught the rhythm and has to *move* and oh *shit*, dear *god* and the pleasure is just ripping, wrenching through him, and suddenly he's grabbing on to Spike and shifting so Spike can hit that place again and again and it's just too good, too good, too good . . .
Vibrating flesh and the harsh cries filled the room and two pairs of hate filled eyes clashed as Xander's legs tangled around Spike's waist and he worked himself on Spike's cock, Xander's back arching and Xander's hands on his arse pulling him in deeper and harder and Spike wanted to do this forever and ever but it was too good and too much and he wasn't gonna last but he wanted to hear something before it was over...
"Tell me you want me. Tell me . . ."
"You know I do you *bastard*" and that, that admission was almost better than anything. Pounding into him with a burning fury that's almost joy.
Had to touch, had to fuck, had to come, getting rid of her scent with his essence and he can't slow down can't stop and the carpet burn on his knees is just something on the very edge of his mind and Xander is choking and growling, clawing his fingers down Spike's back, *biting* his shoulder and it's painful and twisted and it's getting him so fucking *hot* . . .
White hot fire racing through every part of him and Xander's teeth have broken his skin and it feels like blood is everywhere, from his mouth, from his shoulder, maybe from between Xander's legs as well but who cares about anything when Xander's underneath him, and "Oh *FUCK* oh Christ, oh hell *Xander*" he's coming, coming so hard and Xander grabs his hand, puts it on his painfully hard cock and Xander's begging for him.
"Oh god Spike *please*" And he has to, has to make Xander come, and he's moving his hand on Xander's cock and Xander's so close himself, one stroke from Spike and he's coming as well in long hard spurts, with a gasp that's nearly, nearly a sob.
Part NineteenMovement, slowly returned to shaking limbs. Thought began to play through minds now the desperate, frantic need had been sated and the litany of complaints that their bodies had stacked up unnoticed in what had just happened were now about ready to be heard. Spike lifted his head heavily and shook it, trying to snap back into reality, but he felt like he'd been caught underwater, things were heavy and blurred, sound felt dimmed, not quite real and right now the only clear thing was Xander under him, staring back at him with a look as stunned and confused as his own
"My wrists hurt." Xander said dazedly, his eyes wide and dark and beautiful.
"My lip hurts" Spike replied shakily. "And my shoulder where you bit it."
Silence fell again, unbroken apart from the sound of their shuddering gasps for breath. Spike just gazing down at him and his eyes are so blue and right now Xander could just drown in them and time and movement are things that have no meaning here, nothing matters except that Spike doesn't move away ever again.
Like they've fucked all the anger out, all that's left is this. A moment that's spinning on and on.
Then he remembered the admission he made as Spike pounded inside him and he felt his cheeks flame with shame, he'd *told* Spike he still wanted him! He looked away, Spike saw, sensed Xander's withdrawal from him and reached out a hand to touch him, hold him, draw him back.
"Don't, " Xander said through gritted teeth. Spike was probably only waiting to catch his breath before he walked out again and he had to hang on to some pride.
He'd rather Spike hated him then pitied him, and if Spike touched him he knew he just couldn't hold back. He'd sob into Spike's arms, tell him the whole story of what happened tonight with Julie and how he couldn't sleep with her because she was a shadow compared to this, compared to Spike, and beg him not to go because somehow he doesn't know how, Spike's not only inside him physically, but he's in his thoughts and feelings and yeah it's fucked up and crazy but right now he almost feels like he loves Spike, loves him all the time he's hating him, sick fool that he is. And he'd rather die than let Spike know that.
Spike froze his fingers less than an inch away at the harsh sound of Xander's voice. And how can one little word make him feel so bad? All at once snapping him back to what this really was, and of course Xander didn't want to be touched by him. Now the sex was over Xander probably couldn't wait for him to leave. Xander probably wanted to get a good nights sleep in so tomorrow he meet the bitch from the party. Something was hurting like hell but he'd deal with that later. Right now he had to get away. Xander didn't want to be near him? Fine, he wasn't going to hang around.
Xander shivered as Spike pulled out of him, he didn't think he'd ever get used to that, the empty feel after being filled to bursting. Plus the feel like Spike was pulling out all of Xander's insides along with his cock.
Spike staggered to his feet clumsily and drew up his jeans that had gotten no further down than his knees. His boots and T-Shirt were still on and he struggled into his duster, only wanting to get the hell out before all this hurt just breaks down his defences and comes pouring out.
"Not staying then?" Xander spat pulling up his own jeans in quick, angry movements.
"No" Spike ground out, there was a weird quaver in his voice that Xander put down to amusement at the thought of actually staying.
"Good." And oh, the bitterness in that word he can practically taste in his mouth as he watched Spike wrench open the door.
"Fine!" Spike slammed the door behind him and Xander was alone. Which was what he expected. So he couldn't imagine why he felt so desolate.
---
"DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT!" Spike matched the words in rhythm with the thud of his feet as he strode towards his crypt and lucky it's deserted around here otherwise he'd be introducing some demon face to face to it's own internal organs. Almost screaming and almost laughing because this is so insane.
Even Dru hadn't made him feel like this.
Hurt, acres of it. Because Xander had slept with someone else, and even now, even with his scent wiping out the bitches it didn't help. Because he could cover it up but he couldn't make it go away and it shouldn't matter so much. It shouldn't but it did, and he didn't know what the hell Xander had done to him, but it was something alright if the thought of Xander with someone else causes a painful ache that won't stop and he *hates* this. Hates all of it, hates that Xander can hurt him so easily, hates that he just stop it, can't stop feeling things. Things that were never meant to be a part of this plan.
Things like jealousy and hurt and want and sadness and wanting to comfort Xander and wanting kill him and this plan is so far beyond fucked up . . .
"Sod the fucking plan!" He yelled, "just fuck it! I don't *care* about the plan. I don't care about the Slayer, I only care about . . ."
He stopped. He didn't *know*. He didn't know what he cared about anymore. Just knew that the all important 'teaching the Slayer a lesson' idea had slipped away, run through his fingers like water and this wasn't about her. Hadn't been almost from the start.
"Oh please God" he whispered, "I know you've got no use for me and I've got no use for you but please. Please don't do this to me."
He couldn't care for Xander, he just couldn't. It was impossible. Not when Xander hated him so much. Not when he had treated Xander so badly there was practically no chance he could ever fix it.
It was impossible. He wouldn't even think it. He was in control. He was fine. He would get over this. Of course he would. And if his eyes were stinging then it was from the dust in the air and there was nobody there to say any different.
---
Willow hovered outside Xander's door. She ran her hands through her hair and futilely wished Tara was here. Last night after the party she'd finally broken down and confided in Tara exactly why she was so worried about Xander. Tara had barely batted an eyelid at what Willow had confided but had said what Willow was dreading she would say. Namely that she had to tell Xander about Spike's crush on Buffy. If nothing else Xander deserved to be in the loop since they all knew now. And if she was right about what she thought. . .well then Xander had the most right to know what was going on with Spike. Besides now they all knew it was only a matter of time before it came out and better gently from Willow that just dropped on him from Dawn or Buffy.
/Sometimes/ Willow thought unhappily /being a best friend is a tough job/
She wouldn't even care if Xander and Spike were together she thought, really clutching at straws if Xander was happy and Spike actually did want to be with Xander, she wouldn't like it, but she could deal with it, but she just kept coming back to the awful satisfied look on Spike's face that night she'd looked through the window, and couldn't shake the feeling that Spike had liked to watch Xander suffer. That hurting someone Buffy loved turned his crank in the biggest possible way. And Xander wasn't happy. That was very obvious. He'd been drinking last night, Xander had always made his feelings on drinking perfectly clear.
/It could all still be okay/ she thought frantically, trying to calm her racing heart. She could be wrong or it could be over, Xander had after all met a girl last night. Finally knocking on the door she had to knock a few times before Xander eventually answered. Willow swallowed a gasp. She'd been expecting him to look hung-over, tired, but not as bad as this. Deathly pale, dark circles and bloodshot eyes.
"Hey Xander." She said quietly not wanting to hurt his head with noise.
"Will. What are you doing here so early?" Still he stood back and let her in.
Ignoring the question she looked at him searchingly. "You look like hell."
"I didn't get much sleep last night." He muttered, not meeting her eyes.
Willow raised her eyebrows. "Yeah I saw you leave with Julie? That's her name right?"
"Yeah."
Xander's voice was so flat Willow's smile faded. She took his hand and sat him down on the couch.
"What happened?"
"Nothing, a big nothing happened with Julie." He ran his fingers through his hair and slumped back against the couch. She winced it was painful to look at him when he looked so ill.
"Um . . .sorry?" She ventured.
"Yeah me too." He said cryptically.
"I could leave you to go back to sleep" she offered desperately.
"It's fine. Do you want some coffee?" Xander asked flatly.
"Sure."
She watched as he wandered into the kitchen, moving stiffly, rubbing his neck and she caught her breath. He was only wearing a pair of boxers so she could see clearly the scratches down his back, and the carpet burn on his lower back and legs.
So either Xander was lying about nothing happening with Julie or. . .
Never before in her life had she wished for Xander to lie to her but she was doing it now. She absently toyed with the leaves of the plant that stood by the couch. She looked down at it and her eyes widened. The soil was dotted with cigarette butts.
/Ohgodohgod/ It was one thing to come up with a theory that fitted. It was another to see the proof of it scratched down your best friends back. For a moment she felt sick as the old world she and Xander had shared tilted into a new one. A new one where Xander and Spike could apparently put all their differences aside in the bedroom.
How *could* Xander? She was baffled and hurt and . . .*outraged*. Mr "Oh I'm perspective guy. Angel's a killer" Yeah where was perspective guy now? What the hell had he been thinking? she thought viciously, of all the stupid, *stupid* things to do. Even if he didn't know Spike was obsessed with Buffy he must know that Spike was an evil bastard who would chew him up and spit him out.
"Xander" she called out, knowing, appalled at herself that she was being spiteful but helpless to stop " have you seen Spike lately?"
A loud crash echoed through the apartment and her heart skipped a beat. /Shit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry/ She leapt up and ran into the kitchen where Xander was on the floor, picking up the pieces of the cup he'd dropped. She knelt down next to him, helping him to gather the shards.
"Shit" Xander said tearfully. "So stupid."
Shame burst in her, the anger fled. So what if he had slept with Spike. This was *Xander*. Her best friend and first love and it didn't matter what he'd gotten himself into, what Spike had *dragged* him into more like. All that mattered was she loved him and couldn't bear to see him unhappy.
"It wasn't your fault Xander." She threw away the shattered cup then took his hand, pulled him up and led him to the couch.
"What's wrong?"
Xander buried his head in his hands. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
"Because you're pale, unhappy, distracted on patrol and have barely said two words for the past few weeks. No reason really."
"Wills, I'm just having a hard time lately. It'll get better."
/Oh Xander I wish it would. I wish I could *make* it better, but I think I'm going to make it worse right now but you need to know this I'm so sorry please don't hate me, I love you so much/
"Xander the reason I asked about Spike is . . ." she took a deep breath. "Well there's something you should know. It's something to do with Spike and something to do with Buffy."
Xander hadn't really believed he possessed any innate instinct for reading the future, but from the second he'd heard the knock on his door something had told him not to answer it. That something bad was only going to come of it. And for a moment he'd obeyed that feeling. But in the end he couldn't fight it.
Lemming like throwing himself of the cliff he'd had to know what it was. And now Willow was trying to break it as gently as she could. Whatever it was. He thought with a curious detachment that until this moment he'd never really appreciated the phase 'chilled to the bone.' The rest of him only heard a roaring in his ears and a sick feeling right in the pit of his stomach and his voice came out oddly strained as he asked. "What about Spike and Buffy?"
"Spike's got kind of a crush on Buffy."
"Oh." Spike had a crush on Buffy. Spike had a crush on Buffy. Those words made no sense. He played them over again and they still made no sense. Maybe he was dreaming. But Willow was sitting next to him, her eyes wide with worry and sympathy, and surely dream Xander wouldn't have a hang over? Maybe he'd just heard wrong.
"What?"
"Spike told Buffy a couple of weeks ago how he felt. She told him to stay away from her. I just thought you should know in case he . . .I just thought you should know."
"Right." He thought vaguely out of everyone in the world he was glad it was Willow who told him this. Later he would play this conversation back and realise that she must have had some idea what had been going on with him and Spike, and rather than the shame he thought he'd feel, he just felt glad she knew. But that was later. Right now all he felt was cold and sick.
"Is he . . ." In love with her was what he wanted to ask, but suddenly the words just wouldn't come out and there was a burning in his eyes and a tightness in his throat, and he had to get her out of here, right now.
"Will I'm gonna go back to bed now." He said stiltedly.
She nodded and stood up, then leaned down and gave him a hug he just didn't have it in him to return.
"If you need me call."
He nodded and she left the apartment. Outside she wiped at the tears burning her eyes for Xander. She had to go home. Right now she needed Tara. Needed to try and forget the look she'd just put on Xander's face, and wished she could just pick him up and carry him away to a place where things like this didn't happen. Where there were no vampires with an axe to grind and no bad things that would hurt him.
Part TwentyStaring out of the window until he heard the click of the door behind him that meant Willow had gone. He still didn't move. Somehow it felt wrong that the morning sunlight should be so bright, it should be midnight and raining. But what did it matter? Nothing mattered. Just breathing in and out, and he's wondering why he's not feeling anything but numb. Anger he could understand, maybe even tears but not this, not this kind of numb disbelief. Life goes on people said, no matter how bad things got, so maybe that was it. Breathing in and out and staring out of the window and that was life going on wasn't it? Never mind messy things like Spike having a crush on Buffy because the leaves were still blowing in the breeze and he was still breathing in and out and life was going on and the pain slowly building up inside him was going to pass real soon.
So now he knew. Spike couldn't have Buffy so he had Xander. He wasn't even second best, he was just *there*. That was why Spike treated him so badly. Because he could. Like Harmony, Spike had done exactly the same with her and if whoever he was shagging decided they didn't like the way Spike treated them then hey, that was no skin off Spike's pale nose because someone else would come along and one shag was pretty much like the next because they were nothing compared to Buffy and if someone he was shagging, /yes you're just shagging them aren't you Spike,/ well if someone he was *shagging* began to have *feelings* for him then that was just more fun for Spike.
Breathe in, breathe out.
He'd always known there was another reason behind it. He'd just never in a million years thought it could possibly be because Spike had fallen for Buffy. Spike and Buffy. And if it was all wrong he couldn't say so because he can't really speak or think past that pain that doesn't seem to be passing. Just steadily welling up and instead of fading it's getting worse.
He really didn't know why he was even so upset. It was just sex. Spike was twisted and mean and treated him like crap. So he shouldn't be so upset.
Anyway of course Spike wanted Buffy. Get over the vampire/slayer bump which Spike obviously had and she was incredible. Brave and beautiful and smart. One of a kind. Of course Spike had fallen for her. Who wouldn't? Looking at his reflection in the glass, and it was no good. Stark and pale and plain. Not like Buffy, all glowing and golden and perfect. Why would Spike want him when someone like her was around? The sex that was so incredible to him probably was nothing to Spike, less than nothing. Spike probably found it funny to watch him try to struggle against it while he could take it or leave it. It was probably entertaining for Spike to just come and blast apart his whole life.
Like it was coming from a long way away he could hear the phone ringing. He didn't pick it up, and they didn't leave a message. Breathing wasn't really coming now, it was more like gasping. And the leaves weren't there anymore. There were just a blur of green. His reflection blurred and vanished. Good, best it go away, best it all went away. And sure life was going on. Sure it was. Just not for him right now but in an elsewhere place he couldn't quite get to. A place for people who hadn't discovered the chipped vampire that they were for some reason sleeping with had a crush on their best friend who was also a vampire slayer, and for some reason the fact that Buffy could turn Spike down made him feel worse than anything. She could do it and he couldn't because he was stupid and weak and for some reason, God only knew why was totally crazy about Spike.
Sometime later, could have been minutes, could have been hours the phone rang and he let the answer phone pick up again. He could hear Giles asking him to go over to the magic shop to help with some research when he got the message, but he still didn't move. Life could go on without him for a little longer.
---
Spike rolled over again. Kicked off the sheets. Pulled them back up. Threw them off. Rolled onto his back.
"Oh fuck this!"
He hadn't slept a wink, too wound up to settle. /Alright, alright I need to *think* nice and calm like/ But he couldn't, his thoughts weren't making any sense, kept wandering round in circles, thinking about Xander and the sharp tearing pain of jealousy he'd felt, his hurt as Xander had pushed him away last night, his casual acceptance of the Slayers insults . . . .Thoughts like little ants crawling over his skin and they were Driving. Him. CRAZY.
He felt a panicky fluttering sensation deep in his stomach and rubbed his damp hands on the sheet. /Okay this can be fixed, no need to get all worked up, I've just gotta start loving the Slayer again then it'll all be back to normal/ He closed his eyes and pictured her as he last saw her, at the party chatting up that Ben guy. He tried to fan the jealous feeling he knew he should be having. Nothing. It just wouldn't come.
Against his will he remembered Xander, touching that bitch, the scent of her clinging all over him and the searing hurt felt like an invisible hand was squeezing his heart.
/What the fuck is going on?/ he thought frantically. If he could just get inside his own stupid head he'd arrange things back the way they were, the way they ought to be. But they weren't that way anymore, and when love was gone, it was gone. It couldn't be forced back.
He didn't love her anymore, maybe never had. Maybe she'd been right. It was an obsession, maybe even escapism, hell he didn't know. Not that he didn't believe he hadn't had those feelings for her, they'd been there and they'd been powerful. Just not lasting.
Given enough time and the feelings had simply faded. As crushes do. And now, domino effect one realisation followed another. What he'd been trying to hide from himself almost from the start. /It's not just time is it? It's him. The sight of him makes me catch me breath even when I don't need to breathe, I move inside him an' I feel like I'm drowning in him, and I see him with someone else an' it's like a knife in my heart and he *hates* me and I can't blame him, I've been such a git to him and oh shit, shit I can't do it. I don't know what I'm gonna do but I can't use him anymore he's beat me/
In a sudden rage he shot out of bed, picked up the radio he'd stolen from Xander about a million light years ago and threw it against the wall.
"You hear that you bastard?" He roared "You've won! Alright? You've won! Beat me to my bloody knees"
He angrily rubbed at his eyes, stupid tears. He never cried. Tears were for girls. So now what? His grand plan in tatters around him everything he thought he knew blasted apart and the only thing left he was sure of was that he couldn't hurt Xander. So that meant staying away from him. And that hurt more than anything. But it was just what he deserved.
He grabbed the mobile he'd frightened some hapless passer-by into giving him, only days ago and dialled Xander's number. But there was no answer, eventually the answer phone picked up and he hung up feeling sick. He had to do something. He had to see him now. Had to try and put this right before he lost his courage. He shot to the door, then recoiled back as the bright sunlight hit him.
---
"Any answer?" Willow asked anxiously as she came into the back room to see Giles put the phone down from calling Xander.
"No. I left a message. Why is he alright?"
"I don't know. I went over there this morning and told him about Spike liking Buffy. He was pretty wigged."
"But that would have happened anyway, yes? What did he say?"
"Nothing."
"Ah." Willow and Giles regarded each other for a moment. Willow didn't want to lie to Giles but it wouldn't exactly help Xander to have the whole gang knowing what he and Spike had been doing. She just hoped Giles wouldn't ask anything that would make her have to lie to him.
"Do you think now he knows he'll be more inclined to talk about whatever it is Spike may be holding over him?" Giles asked, polishing his glasses furiously.
"No. But he had to know."
"Yes. You did the right thing. Have you seen Spike lately?" Giles asked as they walked back into the shop where Tara and Dawn were talking. Buffy was out, looking for a robot of all things.
"He turned up at the party last night." Willow said catching Tara's eye. Tara gave her a supportive smile.
"Hmm I don't like that." Giles said. "Did he speak to Xander?"
"No - but he was speaking to Buffy. Which is worse?"
"Well personally until we find out what he's up to I'd rather not have him by any of you."
"Do you really think Spike's doing something to Xander?" Dawn asked unhappily. Willow and Tara exchanged a look. "It's probably nothing" Willow said comfortingly. And untruthfully.
"I don't want Spike to hurt him" Dawn said a little pathetically. Caught between being an adult and being a kid she just wanted to make all the bad stuff go away. Willow could relate wholeheartedly.
"None of us do." Willow soothed her.
"We still don't know for sure that Spike is doing *anything*" Giles interrupted. Willow stared steadfastly at the floor. She could feel Giles's eyes boring into her. Tara took her hand and she gave it a grateful squeeze.
"Spike's not really running to hang out with us on a regular basis, we shouldn't see him for a while." Tara said trying to distract them.
It might have helped if Spike hadn't chosen that precise moment to burst into the shop, his blanket almost in flames around him. He threw it off and stamped the fire out, ignoring daggers he could feel being glared at him from four sets of eyes.
"Well" He said at last as the fire smouldered away. "Hello all. What's going on then?"
Trying to act all icy cool, but the sunlight was still sending prickles down his overheated skin and the light was hurting his eyes. He looked around but he already knew Xander wasn't here. Thankfully nor was the Slayer. He couldn't have coped with her threats right now.
"Spike you're not welcome here" Giles said in a voice of ice.
"Yeah and by the way we're working on a way to deinvite you from here even if it is a public place." Willow glared at him, it was taking eveything in her not to just kick him in the sun without his damn blanket. Right now she couldn't think of a better sight than watching Spike burst into flames and she knew it wouldn't help but she just kept seeing Xander's face in front of her. Looking like Xander never should look. Unhappy, ashamed and hurt and Spike had done it.
Unknowing she dug her nails into Tara's hand. Tara didn't even flinch. Reds eyes where boring into him like nails and weren't the rest of them even less pleased than usual to see him? What was going on? He tried to hide his discomfiture. "Hey! Someone's glad to see me aren't you little bit?"
"Stay away from me." Dawn spat.
"I think you'd better go." Tare said strongly with a minimum of stutter, still about as threatening as an hour old kitten.
"Okay, look I don't want to be here with you losers either, and speaking of losers where's the biggest loser of 'em all? Where's the donut boy?"
"Xander is not your concern Spike" Giles said calmly, removing his glasses.
"Look I just want . . ."
The rest of the sentence was lost in a gasp of surprise as Spike found himself shoved up against the wall with a very angry ex watcher leaning into his face in an awful parody of intimacy. Giles's eyes were suddenly the colour of steel and twice as cold.
"Listen to me." Giles's said his voice taut with the effort of remaining under control "I don't know what you've done to that boy. I don't want to know but it stops now. Xander has been told about your fixation on Buffy. He is not your way to hurt Buffy. There is no way to Buffy. Stay away from both of them. Clear out of here, and Spike, listen to me. Get over it."
"I don't know what you mean." Spike said coldly. His mind stuck on one loop. /Xander knows, Xander knows oh shit no/
"Yes you do. Move the hell on."
Spike didn't frighten easily. You didn't face down two Slayers not to mention over a hundred years with Angelus if you frightened easily. There was a steel thread running through him that kept him standing when other vampires would have long since been dust. Even with the chip where sometimes he felt so trapped and panicked that this damn thing was never going to come out, he'd be stuck with it for ever and ever, even then he managed to stay in control. But looking into Giles's eyes and what he saw there was ruthless. Merciless. /Family ties/ he thought dizzily and even Angelus would have backed away from the look Giles had in his eyes. And Spike was chipped. Sliding out from Giles's grip he grabbed his blanket without another word and slid out of the door, pausing for a second in the shade before making the run for a nearby sewer entrance.
He heard the shop door open behind him. "It was you wasn't it?" He said without turning around.
"You told him"
"That's right" said Willow coldly.
He turned and could this possibly be sweet, kind little Red? This witch with murder in her eyes? He took a step back, almost into the sun.
"I know what you've been doing. Do you really think he could hide that from me?"
"I . . ."
"But then that was the plan right? You didn't want to hide it, I worked that out. Chew him up, spit him out and then tell us all about it? Humiliate him, destroy him and all just to get Buffy to notice you."
"You know nothing" he snarled, "nothing about Xander . . ." he stopped, the sound of Xander's name in the air twisting him inside. "Nothing about what's going on."
"I know enough. It's all to do with Buffy"
Another wallop of adrenaline hit him and he broke out in a cold sweat all over.
"Did you tell him that?"
"No. But he'll work it out eventually. If he hasn't already."
/Oh fuck/ Spike closed his eyes briefly.
"Red you don't understand, the reason I was looking for him was to talk to him, you don't know, what he's done to me"
"I don't care he's done to you, I care what you've done to him, if you go near him again I'll know and just pray it's Giles that'll get hold of you. Because if it's me . . ." and all of a sudden that delicate face was carved out of granite, "I will cut out your heart and set it on fire." Not waiting to hear his next response she went back into the magic shop. Grasped hold of the counter as the trembles subsided and looked up at Tara, who for some reason was putting antiseptic on her hand.
---
The damn phone was ringing *again* Xander glared at it resentfully. Was it too much to ask for a little alone time? Why did everyone decide to call him now? Well he wasn't going to answer it. He'd watched the light of the day become brighter at noon then hazy and golden in the late afternoon and now he was waiting for the first tinge of darkness to spill into the sky, waiting for this dreadful, dreadful day to be over, surely things had to be better tomorrow? His answering machine picked up and he listened as the words came floating over to him.
"Xander it's me" Came Giles's voice. " Please pick up, we need you. I'm afraid . . .I've got some bad news. It's about Joyce."
Part Sixteen & Part Twenty - Some dialogue taken from BtVS 'I was made to love you'