Waiting Here

By Alexandria

Part Seven

The best place to start was at the centre of the ankle on the inside of the right foot. The key was to use just the tip of the knife, to make a thin, clean line which drew enough blood to hurt but not enough so that it would continue to bleed throughout the day. Just deep enough to hurt with every step, with every rub of fabric over the rawness. The slower the better, drawing the exquisite pain out as long as possible. Once the initial cut was made then to drag along the top of the foot, tracing just inside the outline of the shoe, again causing the reminder of the pain, the almost but not quite good enough, echo throughout the day. Slowly, slowly, taking as much time as possible, dragging it out. Fast was fine sometimes, when time was short, or someone could walk in, or the pain was just too much. But it was better when it was slow. Finally tracing around the back of the leg, closing the circle, a ring of fire to make it through the day.

Or maybe the inner thigh. That was always good, almost no one saw that. That was best for short, parallel strokes, perfectly matched streaks that were purely private.

Or to turn the flat of the knife along his sides, not cutting really, more like scratching the surface of the skin, rubbing it raw. That way when he stretched he could feel it.

Maybe the back of the knee, three long vertical slices on each leg. There was no way to do anything without ripping the wounds back open. The faint trickle would wind its way down his leg, leaving traces on his skin.

He couldn't decide, couldn't pick which would be best. There was only one thing of which he was sure. Not his wrists again, never his wrists again. To do so would destroy the perfection of the last time he had opened a vein in that way.

Xander closed his eyes tighter, trying to picture each cut in his mind, to draw forth the memory of steel, the sharpness of glass, the harsh scrape of metal, the rough edges of his fingernails. He wanted it, wanted it so badly he could taste it, could taste his blood in his mouth. He jerked his head up slightly when he realised that he could actually taste blood in his mouth, that he was compulsively chewing through his lower lip. He opened his eyes, seeking for something to focus on, to block out the pain, the need ripping through his veins. Eyes darting frantically, everything he saw only heightened his grief.

Finally, his eyes came to rest on a black leather duster that had been unceremoniously dumped on the floor. He stared at it, focusing on the small creases and rips he could see. He poured everything he had into memorising every part of it visible to him, wanting to be able to draw this picture into his mind to block out everything else that wanted to rise, unbidden, before his eyes. He could almost smell the scent of the cigarettes mingling with the leather. He certainly could smell them in the hair of the vampire who was wrapped protectively around him.

Xander had never expected to fall asleep. Usually the nights after his father attacked him, he would toss and turn, pain of body and soul too much to allow any rest. But last night he had dropped off as soon as his head hit his pillow. He knew full well that it wasn't the pain medication which had caused him to drop off. It was the feel of Spike reaching with strong arms to pull him close to that hard body, the way they had just seemed to naturally fit together. He hadn't known what to expect when he had asked Spike to hold him, but Spike's immediate and unflinching drawing of Xander to Spike's chest had not been it. There was no hesitation, no snort, no comment, no quirk of an eyebrow. Just a murmured question, a check to make sure the vampire wasn't hurting Xander.

It was that question, that show of concern that was pinning Xander to the bed when all he wanted to do was walk over to the sink, pick up one of the knives lying there and begin carving his flesh. The need burned through him, every second he was lying still torturing him. He wanted that release, craved it, anything to take away the sounds and images which ripped into him. If he could not take it away, block out the images somehow, then he would be forced to face them. Forced to hear the sound of the door at the top of the stairs being kicked open. Forced to see the blur of his father's hand in the corner of his eye as he was yanked from the couch by the back of his neck. Forced to hear the sickening crunch as his nose shattered when his face hit the floor. Forced to feel the blows to his ribs. Forced to smell the alcohol drenching the man straddling his back. Forced to experience that pain again as his father pounded into him. No, it was too much. He had to have some release. His hands began to rhythmically clench the sheets next to him, his palms literally aching for the weight of something, anything he could use to burn the memories from his mind.

But he wouldn't, he couldn't. He would not hurt Spike like that. He didn't know what had happened, couldn't begin to imagine when the two of them had crossed some invisible line between enemies to friends. He had no idea at what point they had moved to something beyond that. All he knew was that Spike understood him and that he understood Spike. Not completely, but understood nonetheless. All he knew was that Spike cared what happened to him, that Spike didn't judge him, that Spike didn't think any less of him even after seeing what had happened. He knew the rest of the gang cared too, it was just they didn't know. So, no matter how hard it was, he was going to stay here and not reach for the only solace he knew. He began to tremble slightly as the pain from his injuries washed over him. His whole body ached, his face throbbed, breathing was an exercise in agony. But the bottle containing the Darvocet was on the sink, right next to the knives. He couldn't go over there without reaching for a knife. He would take this pain instead. He trembled a little more violently, unconsciously tightening his grasp on the arm around his waist.

Spike's eyes shot open. The scent of agony hit him sharply, rising in waves from the body pressing into his. The sudden grip on his arm had pulled him from sleep, yanked him from some of the most peaceful sleep he had experienced in decades. It was the soft beating of Xander's heart that lulled him, the sound sinking into his bones. He had covered Xander in the night, trying to draw that peace into himself. Now Xander was lying in his arms, shaking and in pain. Spike carefully slid his arm from beneath the boy's body then he began stroking Xander's hair.

"Xander, pet, what is it." He lifted his head up, shocked to see the tension tightening Xander's features. "Luv, what's wrong?"

"It hurts," came the stuttering reply as Xander kept his eyes tightly closed.

Spike glanced over at the clock. 2:34. They had been asleep for nearly ten hours. Spike hissed. He had carefully read the directions for Xander's pain medication and knew that he was allowed one pill every four hours. Two. He had missed two.

He pulled Xander up with him as he sat up, taking care not to jostle Xander's ribs. He noticed that Xander's eyes were still shut. "Well, the medicine's right on the sink, I'll just get you some. Have you been up long?"

"About an hour"

Spike hissed, how could he have slept while his boy was in such pain. Cursing himself, he reached out to run press a cold hand against the black eyes which Xander was now sporting, hoping that would ease the pain.

"Why didn't you go get some earlier, you can have one every four hours you know." He felt the shaking continue.

"Couldn't, couldn't go over there," the reply whispered almost inaudibly.

"Why not, can you walk, hell, why didn't you wake me," Spike carefully leaned Xander back, propping a pillow behind his back. He went to the sink then shook out the medicine, grabbed a glass, filled it with water and hurried back. Handing the glass and pill over, he watched as Xander gulped it down, nodding gratefully.

"Next time, you wake me," Spike could hear the note of command in his voice and saw Xander's head flinch back. He softened his tone. "If you hurt too much to walk, then I'll just go get it, do you hear me?"

"It wasn't that, I just couldn't go over there." Xander opened his eyes but kept his gaze locked on his hands. "I, I keep my cooking stuff there and there's a knife right out next to the bottle." Xander heard his voice fade down, took a deep breath and forced himself to look at Spike who was standing frozen next to the bed. "If I go over there then I'll use that knife and I can't, I won't." Xander's voice began to drop again. "I promised you I wouldn't and right now that's all I want."

Spike's mouth opened slightly as he heard the words. It took everything in him not to reach down and crush Xander to him. He realised that he had expected to wake to find himself alone with the fresh scent of Xander's blood in the air. He wouldn't have blamed the boy, he could barely deal with what had occurred and it hadn't happened to him.

Xander continued to look up at Spike, trying to see what reaction his confession would provoke. He didn't want to anger Spike, but he also had to tell the truth. He saw Spike's mouth open, then suddenly snap shut as Spike nodded once, as if he had made a decision. Turning on his heel, he walked over to the duster, kneeling down and reaching into one of the deep pockets. He saw Spike straighten, stare down at something in his hand. By the perfect line of Spike's back he could tell the vampire was upset by something. Whatever it was, Spike turned back and returned to his position by the bed. Spike simply stared at him for a minute then settled next to Xander. Reaching out, Spike took Xander's right hand and turned it over. Looking straight into Xander's eyes, Spike let whatever he had been holding drop from his hand to Xander's.

Xander looked down as a small weight fell into his palm. It was a key. It was the key to the lockbox. Startled, he looked back up to see that Spike was staring levelly back at him.

"Go ahead, if it will make you better. I'll clean you up when you're done."

Xander just stared at the vampire. He could clearly see the pain in Spike's eyes, but also understanding. He couldn't move, couldn't speak. The trust this displayed was beyond anything Xander could have imagined. He began to shake his head. He couldn't do this, couldn't cause any more pain. He was tired of hiding, tired of turning inward for release. Now, for the first time since he could remember, there was someone else he could tell, someone who would listen, someone who knew. No matter how much he wanted it, he wasn't going to go back to the loneliness of the blade.

"No. I won't."

Spike was shocked by the words. He could smell the bloodlust coming from Xander, could see how desperately he needed to escape the pain. Even though it cut him to the quick to do this, he wanted Xander to know that whatever he needed, Spike would get. Even if it was this.

"Xander, you know I don't want you to," Spike stopped. Anything, whatever he needed. Spike started again. "If you need to, well, then I'll be here to make sure you don't go too far." The image of Xander lying drenched in blood on the bathroom floor shimmered before his eyes.

"No." The answer was stronger this time. "No, that's not the answer. Remember you said you would find me something else to do." Spike nodded, confused. Xander closed his eyes and took a deep breath and continued. "Well, let's try this. I'll stop pretending it didn't happen as long as you tell me one way you're going to kill him at breakfast each morning."

A matching, vicious smile curled over both their lips as they locked eyes again. Spike nodded. "Think I can manage that, pet." Xander just nodded back.

Xander slowly stood, feeling some of the tension begin to drain from the room. He moved to the bathroom, craving a nice, long, hot shower to work out some of the kinks. He saw that Spike had followed behind him. Xander turned and poked the vampire in the chest.

"Hey, not going to share everything with you. Gonna get cleaned up so I can start trying to find a place." He was looking forward to it. He knew that he wouldn't be able to afford much, his current construction job was going to end in a few months, but anything had to be better than this. He had been always been terrified to move out before, afraid of what might happen if he was alone with his thoughts. But he wouldn't be alone now. Besides, he no longer had any illusions about his chance of survival if he remained in the basement. Either his father would kill him or he would kill himself, intentionally or not. He shut the bathroom door, slowly stripping down and beginning the tedious process of removing his bandages.

Spike grabbed his cigarettes the second the bathroom door closed. Frowning, he realised that at some point over the last two weeks he had begun to smoke only when the boy wasn't present. He moved over to the refrigerator and took out a bag of blood, heating it quickly. He drank slowly, turning the events of the last day over in his mind. Somehow, somewhere, he and Xander had developed a bond. He knew Xander felt it as well. He had no illusions. He was falling for the boy, falling fast and falling hard. The boy **no man** had hidden depths, more courage than any being that Spike had ever met and the purity of his soul was a beacon in the darkness of Spike's universe. He wanted to pull it into himself. If he concentrated hard enough, he could still faintly taste Xander in his mouth. Spike was fairly certain that was the moment that had inexorably linked them. There was always a bond created when a vampire drank but it was usually extinguished when the life drained from the victim or when the person was turned. But this was different. Spike hadn't taken from Xander but had only received what was freely offered, what had practically been forced on him. The taste of Xander's blood had given him a glimpse of heaven, a split second's chance to stand again in the sun.

Xander carefully dried himself off, taking care not to look too closely in the mirror. His face was a mess, the bandaging holding his nose in place not quite managing to cover the two **well, no reason to go half way** black eyes. **Oh yeah, I would rent to me** He dressed quickly and came out to find Spike staring vacantly into space, smoke trailing from his hand.

"Well, do I look like an upstanding, reliable citizen," Xander called over.

Spike looked up, unable to help the smirk at the picture Xander presented. "Actually, you look like you got caught out with another lass and your woman threw you out on your sorry arse. After braining you with a lamp of course."

"Ah, good, my clever disguise has worked." Xander managed a grin back. That was actually a pretty good story. Explained the nose, explained the rush. Shaking his head ruefully, he realised that the vampire was proving to be a bad influence.

He walked over, grabbing his wallet and car keys from the kitchen counter, his eyes briefly lingering over the knife he belatedly realised Spike had purposefully placed there. Swallowing, he caught Spike's eyes. "Well, I'm off. Not promising anything this palatial, but somewhere else." He saw Spike open his mouth to speak. "And if we can't move in tonight, then I promise we can grab a hotel somewhere. I don't want to stay here either." He saw Spike nod once. Good, he had guessed right. "Don't forget your end of the deal. No attempts at parent slaughter." He saw the flicker of gold in Spike's eyes, but he ignored it. "Right, off then, I'll be back before the sun goes down."

Spike followed Xander to the door, reluctant to let Xander leave his sight, even though he knew there was no way to follow. They stood in the doorway for a second, then Xander pulled the door open as little as possible, trying to keep the sun out. Turning, he suddenly ran the back of his hand down Spike's cheek.

"Promise to be here when I get back?"

"Yes. Promise to come back?"

"Yes." With that he walked out the door.

---

Five hours later Xander came tearing down the stairs. He had found the perfect place. It was the loft of an old warehouse. He knew Spike liked warehouses, all that room and decay and old machinery. The rent was incredibly cheap and Xander had a feeling it was because the building wasn't really supposed to be used for apartments. But there was an elevator up, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a big kitchen and a large open space. The last occupants had even left some furniture, fairly ugly but free. Only one bed though, a king size in what was obviously the master bedroom. Not that Xander particularly minded, he had come to like the feel of Spike in his bed. His mind immediately stopped at that thought. No, wouldn't even consider that now. All he could think of as he looked over each apartment was whether or not Spike would like it, could hear the sarcastic little comments as each potential landlord tried to sweet talk him. His thoughts had centred on Spike all day long. Whenever he had begun to feel anxious or to think about what had brought him to this point, he thought of the duster and immediately calmed down. He didn't want to think about this. He just wanted to enjoy it.

"Spike, hey where are you, wait until you see this place," he called as he opened the door. He stopped, his jaw dropping in shock. The basement had been stripped down, the only thing still out was the black cloth draping the windows. Everything else had been neatly packed and boxed, with lists taped to the top. Not that there were many boxes but still. He saw the blond head bent over what was obviously the last box, finishing the list. A delighted grin crossed Spike's face at the look of shock and gratitude on Xander's face.

"What," he innocently asked as Xander stood gaping in the door. "Bloody hell, whelp, mind closing the door there, sun, undead, fire, remember." He had started almost as soon as Xander left. It was partly to give him something to do but mostly to help relieve his anger at the fact that Xander had been forced to go alone.

"Spike, man, thanks. This is great." A matching grin moved across Xander's face. "Especially since we can move in as soon as the sun goes down." This was unbelievable, all they had to do was pack up the cars and go.

"So, found a place did you?" Spike could sense the pride coming from Xander. His boy looked much better, standing taller and generally acting more confidently. Much better. This is how it should be.

"Yeah, it's great. It's the top floor of an old warehouse," Xander saw Spike perk up at that. "It's huge, we have three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a huge open area, even some furniture. And guess what, the windows are these huge shutters so we won't have to board them up or anything." He knew he was babbling but he was excited. "Rent's very reasonable too. And there's cable all hooked up. I think it's being stolen actually, but I knew that wouldn't bother you."

Spike felt himself sharing in the boy's excitement. The place did sound great, actually, except that three-bedroom part. **No more sharing the bed then** And he couldn't help but notice the way Xander kept saying we.

"So, it's ours then," he casually said, watching closely to gauge Xander's reaction. He saw Xander's hand rise and automatically flinched back, looking for the stake. Instead, he saw a silver gleam arch through the air and it was only his reflexive grab that allowed him to catch the keys. He looked down, seeing the large silver S on the keychain. Confused, he looked up to see Xander holding an identical set, only his ring had a large X.

"Figured this way we wouldn't get them mixed up." They just grinned at each other for a minute, the excitement growing in the room. They were leaving.

Spike looked away first, as the sudden urge to reach over and kiss Xander was almost absurdly strong. He could not imagine that going well. "So, what are you going to tell everyone?"

"About what," Xander replied, busy pulling the boxes over to the door. He thought he was going to burst. He was leaving, not on a stretcher, not in a body bag, but on his own. He felt like he could take on anything in the world.

"About your sudden ability to fly," came the snotty reply. "About moving, won't the gang be curious?" Spike had wondered about this. How would Xander explain this, wouldn't those idiots he called friends be able to put two and two together and get something other than twenty-two.

"Oh, got that all figured out, I'm just going to tell them that I got a raise and had been looking for awhile and finally just decided to go and do it today." Spike felt a swell of pride. Xander was taking to lying like a natural, tailoring his story to what the audience wanted to hear. "And what are we going to tell them about our living arrangement?" He didn't really want to ask, didn't want to ruin the moment, but he wanted to know how far Xander had thought this through.

"That's none of their bloody business," came the instant reply, Xander grinning once again. **Oh great, only two weeks and I'm already sounding like him**

Spike's eyebrow raised at that but he couldn't agree more. Looking out the one exposed corner of the window, he saw that the sun was down. "Well, I'm going to start on the boxes, can't be out of here fast enough for my tastes."

---

Three hours later an exhausted human and an equally exhausted vampire lay flat on their backs on the bed.

"Bloody fucking hell, glad that elevator is there." Spike grunted out.

"Uh huh," came the exhausted reply.

"It didn't look like that many boxes," Spike continued.

"Uh huh"

"Of course if someone hadn't insisted on moving the couch around what was it, six or seven times, you chit."

"Uh huh"

"And if someone hadn't insisted on going grocery shopping."

"Uh huh"

"And then looking for towels and a shower curtain. You do realise that you will pay for making me go to Wal-Mart don't you."

"Uh huh"

"And if someone hadn't then run around like a loon shouting, mine, it's all mine."

"Uh, Spike, that was you."

"Yes, well. Do like the place, pet."

"Good, I thought you would."

They lay there side by side. Spike finally pushed himself up to look down at Xander's face. It had been quite fun. First, Xander had gone up the stairs to tell his parents he was leaving after swearing that if he wasn't out in three minutes then Spike could come in after him. It had only taken thirty seconds. Spike had pressed himself to the door, turning all his attention to listening to the voices. Xander had simply marched in, said "I found a place, I'm leaving. I'll make sure my mail get forwarded." The sound of his keys slapping down, then the slam of the front door. Spike liked that touch.

Next, he had followed Xander to the apartment. There was an awning to park the cars under downstairs, then they had each grabbed a box and come up the elevator. Xander had made Spike close his eyes when they got to the door and then had led him into the apartment. Once they were inside, Xander had quietly said "Ok, you can look now." . He liked it the instant he saw it. He had turned to Xander and thrown an arm around his shoulders. "Well, you would never know from how you dress, but it looks like you have taste after all." Xander just laughed then took Spike on the tour, ending in the bedroom. Neither one commented on that there was only one bed in the entire apartment. They had quickly moved to unpack, and on one of the trips Spike realised that Xander was quietly unpacking all their clothes and other personal belongings in the master bedroom. It was clear that he still expected Spike to share the room with him.

It was at this point that they gotten a little carried away. Xander's stomach had growled and they realised they had no food. Their shopping trip had started as nothing more than a quick run for milk, bread and cereal. That had lasted about two minutes. Xander had grabbed some bananas, then Spike found the cookies. Then they both found the ice cream. After returning to the apartment and grabbing some dinner, Xander had gone to shower. That's when they realised there were no shower curtains. There had been a fifteen minute argument about whether or not Spike would go to Wal-Mart which had ended with Spike agreeing to go after Xander promised to let him scare some people in the parking lot.

They had gotten carried away at Wal-Mart as well and were now the proud owners of dishes, glasses and towels. They were half way home when they realised they had forgotten the shower curtain. Back to Wal-Mart. Another fifteen minute fight over which one to get before they realised that there were two showers so that Xander could have fish and Spike could have all black. Out the door and to the car before they realised they needed sheets. Back into Wal-Mart where the cashiers were beginning to grin at them. Another argument. Finally a compromise, black sheets with a herringbone comforter. Back to the car then back home.

Home. Spike still found it hard to believe he had a home, had someone to stay with, someone who wanted him there. He sighed.

"Why the Angel brooding," Xander yawned out.

"No comparing me to that pouf," Spike growled in reply. "Just glad to be here."

"Well, I'm glad you're here," came the sleepy reply. "Bedtime."

"Yup."

They lay in comfortable silence.

"Spike,"

"Hmmmm"

"Shouldn't we get under the covers."

"Suppose so"

A few more minutes passed.

"Xander"

"Uh huh"

"If we're going to get into the bed we have to move."

"Uh huh"

A few more minutes then Xander began to shiver.

"Ok, that's it. Cold, you might not be but I am." Xander stood, carefully pulling off his shirt and grabbing his favourite flannel pyjamas. He went into the bathroom, for some obscure reason not wanting to change in front of Spike. He quickly relieved himself, brushed his teeth and padded back into the bedroom. He found Spike under the covers, with a pile of clothes by the bed.

**Oh lord, I hope he's wearing boxers, or something, anyway** went across Xander's mind as he got into bed. He turned on his side then felt Spike's arm tentatively curve around his waist. Xander felt a smile ghost across his face as his eyes fell shut. He scooted backwards, pressing his back into Spike's chest, letting his arm fall on top of Spike's, hearing the faint whisper of silk on the sheets. **That's ok then**

"Night, Spike."

"Night, Xander"

"Spike,"

"Yes, luv."

"Thanks for coming with me."

"Anything for you, pet."

"You too, Spike, anything for you."

Spike hesitated for a second, then placed a gentle kiss on the base of Xander's neck. Xander just let out a contented sigh. Home. They were both home.

Part Eight

"And only then will I shove his balls down his throat. After all, wouldn't want to cut the screams off early, now, would we," Spike was practically bouncing up and down as he finished his description. He wouldn't be happy until the bastard was dead, but at least in the meantime he could content himself with crafting a daily horror show. He tried to maintain eye contact with Xander the entire time, drinking in the rage in his boy's eyes, the unconscious manner in which he would lick his lips, as if he could taste the blood, the way the heat slowly infused Xander's face, adding a ruddy glow. It was beautiful.

Xander stopped with the spoon halfway to his mouth, the milk dripping back into the bowl. He wasn't sure what he had expected when he had asked Spike to start each day with a description of his father's death, but he had never anticipated his own response. He had hung on every word, clearly seeing it in his mind's eye, feeling the longing burning through his body. He had tried, just for a second, to feel some remorse at his reaction but just couldn't do it. Not when he still hurt all over.

"Hmm, that was," he had no words to describe what that was. He started over. "That was very graphic. Only one question, can I pour the burning oil in his eyes?"

Spike thought the grin would split his face in two. "Sure, pet, but, trust me, it's more fun to use the pliers. The oil reeks, gets all over your clothes."

"'S okay, I'm used to weird smells. You do remember that we live on a Hellmouth? And that I fought that stench demon?" Xander grinned back, taking a moment out of inhaling his cereal. He was starved, he felt like he hadn't eaten in a week. Glancing over, he let out a groan.

"Well, gotta go to work. This should be fun." His eyes were almost swollen shut and his nose wheezed with every breath. His ribs were better, but still protested every time he turned too fast.

"You can't be serious," Spike stared back, appalled. There was no way that Xander could go to work. He worked at some type of construction job and Spike had watched as it took Xander ten minutes just to put his shirt on. "There is absolutely no way that you can work today." Spike stalked around the island counter they were leaning on, moving to block Xander's path to the door.

"Have to go, someone has to pay the rent," came the reply. "I already called off a few weeks ago, don't want them to think I'm unreliable. Besides, we're doing interior trim work right now and it's not that strenuous." Xander turned and poured what was left of the milk down the sink, feeling the stare burning into the back of his head.

"And what are you going to say when they asked what happened to you?"

"Auto accident," Xander grinned. "Hey, this lying thing, this is kind of fun. Think that I'm going to have to start taking notes when you do it." He turned back, reaching for his jacket and keys. He really didn't want to go to work but he meant what he said. He didn't want to be considered a problem. He had finally found a job he was good at and that he enjoyed. So he was going to work, even though he just wanted to crawl back into bed.

"About rent, mate, meant to talk to you about that." Spike began to spin his lighter round and round, careful to keep his gaze down. "Don't want you to think that I'm not pulling my weight around here, so I'll just be chipping in my share."

Xander looked over, shocked. This was completely unexpected. He hadn't even thought about that when he was looking at places, he was just grateful that Spike had agreed to come with him. Besides, he couldn't picture Spike paying for anything, chipped or not.

"Spike, that's, you don't have to do that. Besides, I mean, that's not why I wanted you to move in with me." He stopped for a second then looked over to see Spike still completely absorbed with the lighter. "And well, not to put too fine a point on it, it's not like you can just go get a job. And I don't want you stealing anything, so, just, don't worry about it."

Spike looked up at that. "What, did you think I was going to steal? Bloody hell, luv, I have money."

"Yeah, the money you got from Buffy and Giles, I know. But I don't want you relying on them either, so. . ." He stopped as heard Spike start to chuckle.

"Not that pittance. Christ, did you lot really believe that I spent all the last century just wandering about, looking for a meal? I mean, give me some credit. I stored away my share, pretty well off actually."

Xander felt his mouth fall open and quickly snapped it shut. **Gods, he just is one surprise after another**

"Well, if you have money, then why did you take it from Giles and Buffy?" Xander was growing more confused by the second. He was starting to find that to be his usual state when talking to Spike.

"Bit of fun that, having a Slayer and a Watcher paying me, the Slayer of Slayers. Too good to pass up." A grin at the thought. It had been quite amusing, playing the little marionette, seeing they actually believed he was broke. "For hell's sake, I'm Angelus' childe and that wanker could squeeze blood from a nickel. And believe you me, better to listen to him go on and on about interest and dividends and diversification and all sorts of mind numbing shit than to sit and watch him brood. Picked it up after awhile."

Spike thought back to the quiet call he had made a few days before while Xander was at work. He actually was a bit more than well off. He wasn't kidding about Angelus, he might be a soul-having, brooding git, but he understood money. Besides, the magic of compound interest worked wonders when you were immortal. He still had accounts in England that he had established back in the early 1900's. Just one of them was enough to keep he and Xander in comfort for the next twenty years or so. He had made some arrangements, liquidated some funds, planning on finally moving out of the crypt and into somewhere nicer. It had taken all his restraint not to simply tell Xander that he would take care of finding them a place and then packing Xander off to the best hotel he could find, arranging for the constant attention that Xander deserved. He hadn't, though, knowing that Xander didn't need to be pampered, no matter how much Spike may want to. He knew that Xander needed to feel independent, needed to be in control, needed to stand on his own. So Spike had let Xander find them a place, let Xander make that choice. And the whelp had done a good job. He really did like it here. Would like it more when they had some more furniture, a bigger television, and a new stereo.

Xander just continued to stare at Spike. Every time he thought he knew something about the vampire, something would happen which turned that assumption on its head.

"Well, then why did you live in the crypt. I mean, I would've found a nice place or something," Xander's voice trailed off.

"Well, didn't really want to broadcast it. Besides, had to do everything I could to make people think I was still the Big Bad. Image counts you know. Live in a cushy joint, people think you're cushy. Live in a dank, dingy crypt, why that's a man." Spike smirked back. "Worked on the lot of you now didn't it?"

Xander just shook his head. "Fine, if it will make you feel better, then we'll split the rent." That really would help and Spike seemed sincere. Looking back at the clock he let out another groan. "Okay, now I'm going to be late. See you around 7:00 probably."

Spike trailed Xander out the door of the apartment and into the small hallway leading to the elevator. He lifted up the gate, knowing Xander was still incredibly sore, no matter what front he put up. "Right, I'll be here." Xander nodded his goodbye and stepped into the elevator. Spike stood in the hall until he heard the sound of Xander's car leaving. Sighing, he turned walked back to the apartment. He walked back into the bedroom and tumbled into bed, not that he was tired, but because it smelled like his Xander.

---

Xander raised his head sleepily from the pillow when he heard the sounds of keys in the door and the quick beeping of the alarm. Sitting up, he stretched and then padded into the living room. Over the last two months they had fallen into a comfortable rhythm. Xander would get up around 6:30 and Spike would get up with him, grabbing some breakfast of his own. Their deal was still in effect and over breakfast Spike would tell some gruesome tale, killing Xander's father in every more creative ways. Xander now understood just how Spike had gotten that nickname, he had never known that a simple railroad spike could do those things to someone. Then Xander would go to work and Spike would go back to sleep. Spike usually woke up around 2:00 or 3:00 and he would spend the time reading and smoking, pacing around or working out in the part of the large living room which they had converted into a training area.

Xander usually got back between 6:00 and 7:00 and then they would have dinner. After that they would join the others on patrol, always taking both cars, arriving at different times and from different directions. None of the rest of the gang knew that Spike was living with Xander and neither of them had any desire to let them in on the secret. They both knew that would only cause complications. After patrol they would come back, watch television or a movie. They would talk for hours about everything and nothing. Finally, Xander would go to bed around 11:00 or 12:00 and Spike would head back out. He would go hunting for some demon or driving or go to grab a drink at some bar. Xander didn't mind, he understood that Spike needed to be away, needed to spend time on his own. Spike usually came back in a few hours anyway and Xander would wake, listen to the stories of Spike's night. Then they would go back to bed. They slept curled together every night, Spike's arm draped protectively across Xander, Xander holding just as tight. His nose had healed perfectly and the scar on his left arm was almost completely gone. However, he was plagued by nightmares and Spike's presence helped calm him.

Xander had come home one day after they had been there about a week to find the security system installed. Spike had just shrugged and quirked an eyebrow at Xander's questions. "Don't feel like being snuck up on, pet," had been his only comment. However, Xander knew this was just one more sign that Spike was determined to protect him in any way he could. Spike had also surprised Xander by arranging for all new furniture and a very large television and accompanying surround sound system. It was a good thing that they had the warehouse to themselves, because neither one of them were happy unless the sound was so loud the walls actually shook. The living room now looked nice, a large black leather sofa facing the television with a low table set in front of the sofa. Two matching chairs sat facing each other on the other sides of the table. Two tall floor lamps cast diffused light up from either side of the television.

Xander walked into the kitchen to find Spike staring into the open door, the light highlighting his cheekbones. He was coated in some dark substance and a large axe was slung over his left shoulder.

"So, looks like you had a busy night," Xander leaned on the counter, drinking in the sight. Drenched in bile or not, Spike was still a striking figure.

"Yeah, ran into a troll. Stupid bugger. Big though, thought I was going to break my hands before I finally knocked him out." Spike leaned into the refrigerator, propping the axe against the sink. **There it is** He pulled a can of Guinness out and popped the tab. He had thoroughly enjoyed the fight, relishing a chance to beat the shit out of something for a good long time. He took a deep pull on the ale and then stretched.

Xander just stared, his mouth dry. He was becoming more and more aware of that cool body behind him every night. It would be difficult not to notice how unbelievably sexy the vampire was. Xander knew exactly when he realised that he was in love with Spike. It was sixteen days before. It was about 2:30 Saturday morning and he and Spike were siting on the couch, watching Mothra and getting drunk. This was their typical Friday night/ Saturday morning routine, but that night, their usual drunken banter had devolved into tossing popcorn at each other. After being repeatedly pelted on the side of the head, Xander had grabbed the bowl, turned and started to tip it over Spike's head. Spike's hands had shot up, grabbing Xander's wrists and Xander had fallen straight onto Spike's chest. He had landed with his face mere inches from Spike's and for one moment they had stayed there, staring at each other. Xander felt his breath catch, could feel the heat building between them. He thought Spike was going to kiss him and at that moment he had wanted nothing more. Then Spike had pushed him back up and stalked off into the kitchen. He came back a few seconds later with more beer and they fell back into their usual bantering, like nothing had happened. But Xander had stayed awake in bed for hours that night, thinking about the look that had been in Spike's eyes, wondering if it was the same as the one in his own. He didn't care that Spike was a guy, that Spike was a vampire, all he knew was that what he felt for Spike was the purest emotion he had ever had. He had no secrets from Spike, Spike knew everything about him. And knowing all that he did, Spike still wanted to be around him.

However, Xander had no idea what to say or what to do. Hell, he had taken to hoping that Spike could smell it on him, that Spike would just do something to show that he was aware that Xander wanted him. It was driving him crazy.

Spike continued to stretch, feeling the warm pull in his muscles. He was trying to relax, to work out some of the tension returning to his body now that he was back with Xander. It was becoming more and more difficult to stay in that bed with Xander and not just pull him into his arms and kiss that delicious mouth. He had come so close a few weeks ago. He and Xander had been watching a stupid movie, when the notion to throw popcorn at the whelp had struck him. The boy had taken it for a moment, then had tried to dump the whole bowl over him. He had automatically reached up to stop him and then Xander had fallen onto his chest. His eyes had widened when Xander's face lay so close to his, all he had needed to do was lift his head slightly and he could have finally tasted that mouth. But he couldn't. No matter how much he wanted to, he would never do that. He could never treat Xander the way that, that thing had done. Spike felt the familiar burn of fury begin again at the thought. Yet another thing that beast had torn away. Xander had stared back at him with an indescribable look and, on very few occasions, Spike had let himself believe what he saw there was desire. But that thought was too precious and Spike kept it locked away.

"Anything else happen tonight?"

Spike opened his eyes and looked down, going still at what he saw. Xander sat on one of the stools he had made at work so that they could sit at the island counter. His hair was messier than usual and his voice was dusky with sleep. But that wasn't what caught Spike's attention. Xander was shirtless. Spike usually slept in just his boxers, but Xander usually wore both boxers and a shirt. Spike rarely was treated to the sight of Xander's body, only stolen glimpses now and then. But here was Xander in all his glory, skin golden and muscles tight. A wave of desire hit him so strong he thought his knees would buckle.

"No, not really." Spike knew we was staring but couldn't stop. He grew harder and he quickly pulled his duster forward to hide the bulge.

"Oh, well," now Xander yawned and stretched and Spike thought his pants would split in two. "Then I'm going back to bed. You coming?" Xander called over his shoulder as he made his way back to their room.

**Almost** "No, pet, still a little jacked up from the fight. I do want to clean off this slime though, so I'll shower in the other bathroom, you just go on to bed." Spike licked his lips, praying Xander would just get to bed so he could go to the other bathroom and jerk off, thinking of Xander's face the entire time.

"Don't be long," came the sleepy reply. **Miss you when you're gone**

**Oh, I don't think that will be a problem, pet** "I'll be there in a mo."

With that the frustrated vampire headed for one bathroom while a frustrated human headed for another. The locks on each door clicked shut. If anyone had been in the apartment they would have heard two sets of murmured words, two sets of quiet exclamations, two sets of cries strangled in two throats. And they would have heard two names drop from two sets of lips.

"Xander"

"Spike"

---

Xander's hands shook as he traced his fingers down Spike's face yet again. He needed to touch the cool skin, to feel that Spike was still there with him somehow. He couldn't search for a pulse, couldn't watch for the rise and fall of Spike's chest. He could only touch the skin, somehow able to feel Spike still there with him.

They had been out on patrol earlier that evening and despite Spike's best efforts, Xander had been paired with Buffy. Xander and Spike were both unhappy with this chain of events, neither was content unless they could watch out for each other, but they didn't want to be obvious about it. So Xander had gone with Buffy and Spike with Tara and Willow. It had been a fairly slow night and Xander had been forced to listen to Buffy obsess over whatever new guy she was seeing. Xander couldn't bring himself to care. All he wanted to do was be with Spike. Then, cresting a hill, they had heard screaming. It was Willow.

They both took off at a dead run, Xander trailing behind Buffy. They ran into a sea of blood. There were bodies everywhere. Willow, Tara and Spike had run into a nest of fledglings and though the new vampires didn't know how to fight, there had to be thirty or forty of them. Xander heard Spike snarling, could hear the frantic sound as Spike was finally grabbed and held down, the other vampires viciously attacking him. Xander felt something snap inside him and he tore into the vampires holding Spike, trying to take what was his. His mind became a sea of red as he hacked and slashed his way to Spike, the lessons he had absorbed during their morning talks ringing through him. He vaguely heard Buffy pulling Willow and Tara away, saw some movement out of the corner of his eye as Buffy fought next to him. He didn't care, he just had to get to Spike. Finally, he reached Spike, grabbing the vampire who was feeding from Spike by the throat and trying to tear the vampire's windpipe out. He growled and slammed the stake home. Panting deeply, he realised that Spike was lying on the ground, perfectly still. Xander had dropped to his knees, his hands shaking.

"Spike, Spike, Spike, wake up," Xander saw the blood drenching his vampire. He reached down to shake him. "Spike, get up." He heard the waver in his voice, felt the tears form in his eyes.

"Xander, what are you doing," Buffy said. "Get up."

Xander had snarled again and shook her hand away. "Willow, Willow, is he still alive or undead, whatever, just tell me, is he?"

Willow had dropped down next to Xander and slowly placed her hands on Spike. "Yes, just, he's very hurt."

"Can we move him?" Xander was shaking. He had almost lost Spike. He could still lose Spike.

"Why do you want to move him?" Buffy voice drifted down to him. "Just leave him Xander, if he wakes before sunrise he'll be fine, otherwise, well, no great loss." Buffy wasn't even looking at Xander, she was busy making sure Tara was okay. She was stunned when Xander slammed her into the wall of the crypt.

"You bitch, you would leave him here to die." Xander poured all the contempt he felt into his words.

"Xander, what's wrong with you, that's SPIKE, it's not like he's. . ." Buffy stopped as Xander turned his back to her and returned to Spike's side.

Xander just reached down and lifted Spike from the ground, surprised by how light he was. He began walking as quickly as he could back to where he had left his car. He could sense the girls trailing behind him but he didn't care, he just wanted to get to the car, get away from them so that he could feed Spike, could wash the blood off and watch until he woke up. Xander didn't even consider what would happen if Spike didn't wake up.

Buffy moved to stand in front of him and he just stepped around her. Buffy frowned and reached out, grabbing onto Xander's arm using all her strength to stop him. Xander glared down at her.

"Xander, what are you doing, did you hit your head or something? Why are you helping Spike?"

"Because he's my friend, because he helped me. Now get out of my way, Slayer."

Buffy flinched back at the coldness of the voice. Xander just yanked his arm away and turned his back on them all. Long minutes later he reached his car and quickly settled Spike on the front seat. Spike had not moved the entire time. Xander flew back to their apartment, panic ripping through him. Finally, he had gently placed Spike onto the couch. He raced to the kitchen, yanking open the freezer and grabbing a packet of human blood he had placed there as an emergency stash. He ripped it open and threw it into the microwave, in agony at how slowly the seconds ticked by. Finally, it was warm and he raced back to the couch. Tilting Spike's head back, he poured the blood into Spike's mouth. At first, it had just rolled down Spike's chin and Xander's panic began to spiral out of control.

"No, no, gods, please whatever you want, just give him back to me, please, please, drink."

He wiped Spike's chin with his shirttail and poured some more blood into Spike's mouth. This time, Spike swallowed and Xander felt the tears begin to fall down his face.

"That's right, drink, it will make you better, that's it a little more." Xander quickly fed all the blood to Spike and then went back for another bag. He quickly heated this as well and returned to the couch. Spike still hadn't moved, but this time he drank with no hesitation. Xander had settled Spike back onto the couch, then had gone to clean him. He couldn't bear to see the blood covering Spike's body. He carefully pulled the torn clothes away, dressing Spike in Xander's favourite T-shirt and sweats. Still, Spike didn't move. Xander settled next to him on the couch, a hand on the vampire's chest, the other caressing Spike's face.

"Please, wake up. You have to wake up. I never told you just how much you did for me, just what you mean to me. You have to wake up." Xander whispered the words over and over, his whole body shaking. "Please."

There was still no response. Finally, Xander could take no more. Reaching out blindly, he found the edge of the glass topping the table. He ripped his wrist open and pressed it to Spike's mouth.

"Drink, please, you did it before, drink." Nothing. He began to sob. "Don't you leave me here, I need you. I can't be here without you. Drink."

His eyes rolled back in his head as he felt the sudden pull. It was everything that he had remembered, everything he had dreamed about. Spike's mouth, pulling Xander into him. Better than anything. His head fell back as he grew faint but still he did not pull away. All, Spike could drain him dry. As long as Spike was safe. He felt cold arms suddenly grip his back, felt his arm being yanked away, heard a rough gasp.

"Xander, Xander, speak to me. Why did you do that, I could have drained you," Spike's voice. Spike's shaky voice. Spike talking to him. Xander forced his eyes to open.

"You're awake." Xander smiled as the world tilted back into place.

"Yes," Spike replied. His mind was reeling. He remembered the attack, remember his rage as he was held down, his terror at being torn from Xander, at leaving his love. Then nothing. Then Xander's voice, hot tears on his face. Then that taste again, the heat of Xander pouring into him. It had yanked him out of whatever limbo state he had been in. Then panic as he felt Xander's heart slow, felt the life bleed from him. He had forced him away. Now Xander was propped against the back of the couch, ghostly pale.

"Xander, why did you do that, I could have drained you, never do that, never again." Spike's voice cut through the room. **Never, never lose you, never, stake myself first**

"You wouldn't wake up, I brought you back and you wouldn't wake up. I had some human blood in the freezer and heated it and fed it to you, but you wouldn't wake up. I couldn't, I couldn't lose you, I couldn't bear it, it was all I could think to do." Xander reached out, tracing over the ridges still present on Spike's forehead.

Spike pulled back slightly, he hadn't realised he was still in his gameface. He pulled Xander into a tight embrace, rocking slightly, trying to calm them both.

"Luv, I would have woken up, it's just something vampires do to heal, we kind of go into a coma like state, usually lasts about a day, then we wake up fine, hungry but fine." Spike could feel hot tears streaming down from where Xander's face was pressed into his shoulder. "You didn't have to do that." Pulling back slightly he leaned his head down to catch Xander's eye. "Promise me that you will never do that again." Now it was his voice that cracked.

Xander shook his head. "No, I can't promise that."

Spike's grip on Xander's back tightened. "Xander, please, promise me. What if I hadn't been able to stop, what if I had," he couldn't finish the sentence. Spike began to shake again.

"It would be worth it." The truth was burning in Xander's eyes.

"What?"

"It would be worth it. If you survived, it would be worth it." Firm conviction in Xander's voice.

"Why," Spike whispered. "Why would it be worth it? If you were gone then I wouldn't want to survive anyway." He went still as he realised what he had just said. **OH SHIT** He had just all but admitted that he loved the boy. He closed his eyes as he waited for Xander to pull away.

"That's why," Spike's eyes shot open again as he heard Xander's voice. "That's why it would be worth it. If you were gone I wouldn't want to be here either."

Xander looked straight into Spike's eyes, gathering all his courage. "I couldn't live if you weren't here." With those quiet words he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Spike's pouring all the other words he couldn't say into the kiss. He didn't care if Spike pushed him away, didn't care if he was mocked and humiliated. He had almost lost the only person he loved, and he was not going to waste any more time.

Spike felt Xander's mouth on his, felt Xander's tongue trace his lips. He gave up and fell into the heat. He opened his mouth, returning passion with passion. He pulled Xander closer to him, trying to merge into him. The blood was nothing compared to this. The sweep of a tongue in his mouth, warm hands running through his hair, small moans of desire, his, Xander's, theirs. Finally, they broke apart, resting their foreheads against each other.

"Spike," Xander whispered, reaching for that last bit of courage, trying to say the words.

"Xander," his name sighed out with the same longing, the same desire.

"Spike," Xander leaned back, reaching up his hand to cup Spike's face. Spike leaned into the touch. They stared at each other for eternal seconds.

"Spike," again the sigh of a voice, everything that needed to be said contained in that one syllable.

"I know," came the quiet reply. "So do I"

Part Nine

The fire burned through him, stripping away all else. Through all his years, all the time he had wandered the globe, all the places he had been, all the flesh he had touched, nothing had ever burned him like this. It was like tasting the sun, like jumping into an ocean of lava. The purity raced through his veins, washing all aside, everything but the feel of the warm body in his arms, the taste of hope and truth in his mouth, the scent of love and desire that surrounded them both. Spike buried his hands in Xander's hair, locking their mouths even tighter together. He trailed his tongue along Xander's lower lip, pressing down slightly to request entrance. He wanted Xander. He needed Xander. He would do nothing that Xander did not request, he would never take, only ask. Even now as every fibre in his body screamed to take the boy, to finally know the feel of that hot, hot skin against his, another part held back. No. The small part of his mind that still retained some control was holding him back. He couldn't believe that Xander could kiss him back, that Xander could run his hands roughly down his back, that Xander could open his mouth and seek out his tongue in return. Not after everything that had happened. Spike was awed at the strength it showed. No matter how much he wanted to plunge into Xander, to become one, he would wait. He had to wait. He would never hurt his love.

Xander groaned into Spike's mouth. So cold, so right. Everything he had dreamed and better, so much better. This was right. His eyes were tightly closed, concentrating everything he had on this kiss, on the feel of Spike's tongue finally dancing with his, twining round and round. He tried to pull Spike even closer, though their bodies were already flush against one another. He couldn't get enough, couldn't be close enough. He wanted Spike, he wanted to be part of him, to join together, to be one. Finally, he pulled his mouth away, gasping for air, a faint part of him damning the fate that made him need to breathe. Panting, he lowered his head back to Spike's shoulder, feeling the dampness from his tears. His hands greedily roamed over Spike's back as he began to kiss his way up Spike's neck, revelling in the sounds it provoked, the little whimpers and moans, the husky sound of Spike crying out his name. "Xan," breathed on a sigh, "Oh, hell, there, right there, Xan." He began to tug at Spike's shirt, the need to feel the skin against his overpowering.

Spike could feel his eyes roll back in his head as he felt the warm path of Xander's mouth along his jawline. Every time he thought it was impossible for him to grow harder, Xander did something new with his tongue that took him to greater heights. **Bloody hell, where did the whelp learn how to do THAT** "Yes, that, there, again, Xan. Bloody hell." **Bloody hell, so good, don't stop** He felt one hand begin to tug his shirt out of his jeans as the other moved to the neck line, pulling it away from his throat. Xander's mouth greedily moved along the stark line of his collarbone, pausing in the hollow. Xander began to lick long, slow paths back and forth, back and forth, in a firm, suggestive rhythm. Spike thrust his hips up in ecstasy. Finally, pulling himself together, he ran his hands up Xander's sides and wrapped a hand around each shoulder, gently tearing Xander away. He heard the protesting whimper but held firm. He had to stop them now. Another minute and he would be too far gone. He didn't want to stop, he wanted to lavish attention on the body of his love, wanted to bring Xander to the pinnacle of delight over and over, wanted to worship Xander the way he should be. But he had to stop them. He had to know this is what Xander wanted. It had to be Xander's choice.

"Luv," Spike swallowed hard, trying to collect himself. **Love. Say it. Love** "Luv," he started again. He looked straight into Xander's eyes and was stunned by what he saw there. Desire, desire for him. Desire, longing and love. Spike felt an almost overpowering urge to crush his mouth back down, but he held firm. This needed to be said and needed to be said now. "Please, are you sure? Do you want this?" He saw the sudden cloud over those beautiful eyes, felt Xander begin to draw back slightly. He just gripped harder, pulling Xander back. "I need to know, do you truly want this? We don't have to do anything more, we can do whatever you want, we will do only what you want. I just," Spike's eyes dropped down for just a moment, gathering strength. He took in a purposeful breath and then slowly let it out. **Here goes nothing** "I just need you to know that you don't have to do anything for me. I need you to know that I would never hurt you, never make you do something you don't want," his voice cracked now as the image of Xander's father loomed over him. "I would never," he felt the tears well up, choking him. **Damn it, stop it you nancy boy. This is not helping** "I would never hurt you. I will never hurt you."

Xander felt his heart stop for a moment at those words, could actually smell the truth radiating from Spike's body. **Is this what it's like for him, to know everything with all his senses** His hands had moved to Spike's waist when Spike had leaned him back and his fingers were trailing along the firm edge there, longing to move over that hard stomach, over the perfect ripples along Spike's abdomen. But, at Spike's words, he reached up and placed a hand on each side of Spike's face, forcing the vampire to look into his eyes. He understood why Spike hesitated and it nearly broke his heart. If he had any doubt about Spike's true feelings before, they were gone now. He held William the Bloody in his arms, the legendary Spike, the Slayer of Slayers. A Master. A vampire who lorded over others, who roamed wherever he wanted, taking whatever he wanted. A powerful lord, whose very name invoked fear and respect. And he was stopping Xander when it was obvious that he wanted nothing more than to continue. He was stopping to ask permission, no, not even that. He had asked for nothing other than assurances that this was what Xander wanted, letting him know that Xander was in control, that the decision was entirely his. Xander drew in a shaky breath. Yes, there was a part of him that was nervous, somewhat from the memories of what his father had done, but more because he had never made love to a man before and he could only imagine how much experience Spike had. But the rest of him had never been so sure of anything in his life. He wanted this. He had finally found his home, found the place where he was whole and true.

"Spike, listen to me. I want you. I've wanted you for a long time. I wanted you before I could admit to myself that I did. It's been all I could do for the last few weeks not to just turn over in bed at night and throw myself at you." Xander saw the wonderment in Spike's eyes, the relief and joy but there was still some hesitation. Again, his heart twisted as he realised the only reason why Spike would still hold back. There was only one thing he could think to say to make Spike sure, to make him realise Xander was telling the truth. Xander took in a deep breath and then continued. He knew there would be no going back from this, and the thrill of it was almost more than he could bear. He leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss on Spike's lips. Pulling back, he caught Spike's eyes again.

"Please, Spike. Make love to me. Show me what to do. Teach me how to please you. I want you, I need you, I've never needed anything more. Please." Leaning back into Spike, he caught the vampire's mouth in a frantic kiss, plunging his tongue past those cool, cool lips, praying Spike could taste the desire and truth. He let up slightly, leaving his lips pressed against Spike's. "Please."

Spike groaned and grabbed Xander by the back of his head, devouring that mouth. He hadn't been prepared for that response, for the open look of lust and the pure taste of desire. They attached one another, mouths desperately roaming over whatever part they could touch. Spike sank back on the couch, pulling Xander on top of him, draping that heavy, beautiful weight over him. Xander's hair fell forward, caressing his cheek as Xander moved back down his throat. He could feel Xander's hardness pressed into his leg, the heat of it calling to him. Then all thoughts stopped as he felt Xander's hands go under his shirt, moving up his sides as Xander returned to his mouth. The kiss was slower this time, deeper, longer, still desperate but in a different way. This time the desire was for knowledge, the passion was to learn the taste of one another, to memorise it for later.

Slowly they drew apart as Xander's need to breathe interrupted again. Spike took the opportunity to trace a line down Xander's throat, heart constricting when he saw Xander lean his head back, heard the gasps of pleasure his actions provoked. The trust was instinctive, there was not even the faintest scent of fear. Spike moved his hands under Xander's shirt, finally caressing that strong back, daring to trace the lines that he had memorised as they lay together in bed. Spike suddenly realised that they were writhing against each other, hips moving together, unconsciously rocking back and forth.

Xander suddenly pulled them both upright, shocking Spike with his strength.

"Okay, time out."

"What is it, pet?" came the immediate, concerned reply. "Too much, bloody hell, I'm sorry, why didn't you say something?" The hands which had continued to stroke Xander's back slowed, then pulled away. "What do you want?"

Xander smiled at that. "You, of course. That's pretty obvious." He was so hard it hurt. "It's just that you haven't actually answered me. How about it, Spike? Make love to me?" He wasn't sure why but he needed to hear it. He could feel Spike's erection pressing into him, he knew full well that Spike wanted this too. It was just that he couldn't believe that anyone who knew about what his father had done could truly want him, not really believe it. He needed to hear the words.

"Xander," Spike traced a finger down his face. "Luv, I truly want nothing more. Just, are you sure?"

Xander felt a sudden rush of desire. It was true, Spike wanted him, wanted him as much as he wanted Spike. "Oh, hell, yes, I'm sure." The response was growled out.

"C'mon then, let's take this to bed. Want to do this right and if we don't go now, don't think I'll be able to walk." Spike hoped the joke would cover the sudden nervousness he felt. It wasn't so much that he was concerned about his performance, hell, he had been having sex before his soon to be lover's great-great-grandparents were born. And he had learned from some of the greatest lovers in the world. It was just that he wanted this to be perfect, wanted to erase whatever images that bastard had left in Xander's head.

"Yeah, that would be good idea." At that they slowly untangled themselves and stood up, both wincing slightly. Reaching out, Spike gently took Xander's hand and led him into their bedroom.

Xander could feel the nervousness rise in him, could feel the increase of his heartbeat. He wasn't afraid, just a little concerned that it would hurt. He was more worried about pleasing Spike. What did he know about pleasing another man? He knew what he liked, but that was about it. **Stop it, stop it, this is what you want. It'll be okay**

Entering the bedroom, Spike pulled Xander close and began kissing him again, slowly, carefully. He could feel the tenseness in the body next to him. He knew that Xander was nervous, whether from the memories or from some other reason. He thought he knew what it was. He was practically certain that Xander had never been with a man before and Spike still remembered how he had felt, even as a vampire, the first time he had been with Angelus. Insecure, unsure, intimidated. He trailed tiny kisses up to Xander's ear.

"Relax, luv, this is for you. All for you. I don't want you to think about me, to do anything for me. This is your night. All for you." Spike purred deep in his chest, thinking of what he would do to this beautiful man in his arms, all the ways he had to make him beg for more. He kissed the soft spot behind Xander's ear, then slowly moved them to the edge of the bed, drawing Xander down next to him.

Xander shuddered at the gentle touch of Spike's lips, calming under the hypnotising sound of Spike's voice. He relaxed, letting the sensations wash over him. He felt himself being pushed backwards so that he was lying on the bed, Spike hovering over him.

"Don't worry, it'll be fine. I want to please you, to make you feel good. That's all I want," Spike's voice low in his ear as he was gently pulled up so that he was lying completely on the bed, a pillow suddenly appearing under his head. Xander nodded, his eyes still closed, unaware that his lips were slightly parted and a look of bliss was on his face.

Spike resumed his slow exploration of Xander's mouth, pressing closely into Xander's side. He trailed his hand slowly across Xander's chest while Xander's hands traced down his sides. He felt a questing hand trace across his waist, felt Xander tug at his shirt again. Never letting up from his attention to Xander's mouth, he slowly pulled Xander's shirt up, gradually revealing the golden flesh. Xander, in turn, pulled at Spike's shirt. Finally, Spike pulled back, parting them just enough so that they could each pull the shirts over the others head. Spike grabbed the cloth in his hands, tossing it across the room. He feasted on the sight below him. Xander glowed in the low light of the bedside lamps, shining like a star.

Xander finally opened his eyes, needing to see Spike's body. The familiar white skin, the perfect hardness of that chest, the faint line of hair disappearing into those black jeans. His mouth went dry as he stared.

They stayed locked like that for a few minutes, hands tracing across each other's flesh until the desire for contact overwhelmed them. This time it was Xander who pulled Spike onto his body, crushing the vampire down onto him, craving that coolness to bathe his heat.

Spike moved down Xander's throat, kissing a meandering path to Xander's nipples which had already hardened into stiff peaks. He slowly licked a circle around the hard nubbin on Xander's right side, watching his lover's face the entire time. Xander gasped and arched into Spike's mouth. "Christ, Spike," the broken words panted out. "Please, so good." Spike took the flesh further into his mouth, lapping slowly across the nipple while his hand stole up to Xander's left side. He ran the flat of his palm against that hard, hot flesh and another gasp stole from Xander's mouth. He slowly licked across, finally bathing the other nipple in long, hot kisses. Xander began to moan, unconsciously thrusting his hips up and down.

Spike began to kiss his way lower, longing to drag this out further, but knowing that Xander was getting close to the edge. He hesitated when he reached the waistband of Xander's pants, wanting to just rip them off, but needing more to be sure this was what Xander wanted. His concern, however, was quickly answered when Xander lifted his hips from the bed as he reached down to unzip his pants.

"You gonna help or what?"

Grinning, Spike grabbed the legs of Xander's pants and in one strong move tore them from Xander's body. Xander's boxers came off with them, and Spike drew in a sharp breath as the feast which lay before him. Xander was so very beautiful. Spike smelled the sudden scent of embarrassment and hesitation, and he immediately leaned down for a gentle kiss.

"Xander, you are so beautiful. So perfect, so pure." Spike murmured into Xander's ear. He began to run his hands down Xander's side. "I want you so much." He felt the tension begin to ease from his boy's body, and Spike took the opportunity to sit up, moving to the foot of the bed.

"So beautiful." The words were sighed out as Spike began to kiss his way up Xander's legs. "You taste so good." Slowly, slowly he kissed along Xander's calves, moving from leg to leg, leaving no spot untouched.

Xander reached out blindly, grabbing the sheets, desperately trying to control the sensations flooding him. This was better than anything he had ever dreamed. His thoughts had been occupied almost exclusively with daydreams about Spike for some time, but this was a million times better than any fantasy. He gasped again as Spike lavished attention on his thighs, drawing ever closer to the hard length pressed into his stomach. He swallowed and concentrated, wanting to endure for as long as he could.

Spike moved up Xander's body, ravishing every inch he could find. **So pure, like tasting the sky** He knew he was torturing Xander, but he wanted to memorise every part of him, wanted to pull it into himself. However, the rise in Xander's heartbeat and a sudden change in his scent warned him that he was close to going too far. Settling himself between Xander's legs, he moved so that his mouth hovered over the tip of Xander's cock. It was long and straight, as perfect as the rest of Xander. The tip was already shiny with pre-cum and the scent of it blew through Spike's senses. He gently reached up, caressing the long length was careful fingertips. Watching Xander's face, focusing all his senses on feeling any hesitation coming from his lover, he lowered his mouth and took the flesh into his mouth.

Xander gasped, helplessly arching upwards. He almost came right then. He had never felt anything so good in his life. Not even Anya had affected him like this. He didn't know if it was the way Spike was caressing his balls or the way Spike's tongue trailed and traced around the sensitive skin at the tip of his prick or if it was the fact that it was Spike, the man he loved more than life itself, sucking him deeply down that made it so intense. Waves of pleasure poured over him and he lost all ability to think, could only feel. He whimpered meaningless sounds, a look of pure exhilaration on his face.

Spike sucked him in slowly, taking Xander as far into his mouth as he could. He moved slowly, knowing that Xander wouldn't last long. He set up a steady rhythm, moving up and down the shaft, trailing his tongue around the hardness. He could feel the tension building and he quickened the pace, one hand grabbing the base while he turned all his attention to the tip. He felt the build, heard Xander's breath coming in long, hard pants and then heard Xander call his name, "Spike, Spike, god, Spike" and the strong, salty taste poured down his throat. He greedily sucked up every drop, the intensity of the taste the same as Xander's blood. When he had wrung out every drop he could, he moved back up to lie next to Xander, pulling him close, dropping light kisses into his hair.

Xander leaned up and grabbed the back of Spike's head, yanking him into a strong kiss. He could taste himself in Spike's mouth and the mixture of their flavours pulled a strong moan from him. One. They were one. He slowly realised that Spike was still wearing his jeans, that he could feel Spike's hardness against him. Reaching down, he quickly unbuttoned the jeans, yanked down the zipper and started to tug the impossibly **no perfectly, you KNOW what they do for his ass** tight jeans down. Spike's hands reached down to stop him.

"No, pet, for you, all for you. Don't worry about me," Spike muttered into his mouth. He didn't want Xander to feel he had to do this. As aroused as he was, he was content with the look of pleasure on Xander's face. **I did that, I made him that happy**

"I want to worry about you. I want you. Please, Spike," Xander's voice trailed off a bit. He didn't know how to ask this. He wanted it, he wanted Spike to fill him, to claim him, to possess him. Xander felt the blush creep over him, but he was determined. He needed this, he wanted this. "Please, Spike, I want you. I want you to. . ." Again his voice sank away. **Oh, fuck this** "Spike, I want you inside me."

Spike went still. He hadn't expected this. He had long resigned himself to the fact that if by some miracle he would ever have a chance with Xander that this would not be part of their relationship. He could not imagine Xander trusting anyone enough to allow that, let alone Xander wanting anyone to do that.

"Xander," now it was Spike's turn to hear his voice break. "Xander, are you positive? I don't want to. . ." Spike locked eyes with his lover, unable to continue. **To what, hurt you, make you think of that monster, do anything to you that creature did, remind you of him in any way** "I don't want to hurt you. I can't hurt you." Spike's voice shook. He wanted nothing more than this. He couldn't claim Xander, not the way he should be since he couldn't bite him and this was the next closest thing. But he wouldn't hurt Xander, couldn't hurt Xander.

"I know, the chip," Xander went to continue but was stopped by a finger on his lips.

"No, not the chip. I don't want to hurt you. I could never hurt you. I will never hurt you." The sincerity burned in those blue eyes, tearing into Xander's heart.

"But I want this. I really do. Spike, I want to be part of you, I want you to be part of me." A smile suddenly crossed Xander's face. "Besides, you said this was all for me. Well, I want you in me. Spike, I really do. I need to, I want to, believe me." Xander ran his fingers down the side of Spike's face, trying to convince him.

Spike just stared down at the dishevelled body below him. Xander meant it. His hands started to shake as the love this represented overwhelmed him. Nodding, unable to speak, he leaned down and gently kissed Xander.

"If that's what you want. . ." A sudden thought struck him and he fell back on the bed, groaning. **Of all the bloody luck** "Um, pet, don't know how to put this, but I, well, I don't have anything to. . ." Spike stopped unsure of how to broach this topic.

Xander just grinned suddenly, reaching out to his side and opening a drawer in the bedside table. Spike just stared as Xander leaned up, rummaged around and then dropped something on the bed between them. Spike's jaw dropped in shock when he saw the tube of lube. When he looked up, he saw Xander grinning from ear to ear, a pleased expression in his eye.

"Pet, when did you get that?" It was the only possible question he could think to ask.

"Last week," came the answer, laughter obvious in the voice. "Didn't know if it was good planning or wishful thinking, but, be prepared, you know." Xander just smirked. He had been in the grocery store the previous week, picking up milk and cigarettes and the Godiva white chocolate ice cream Spike was addicted to. Walking down the wrong aisle and daydreaming about licking the ice cream off Spike's chest, he had caught sight of the box out of the corner of his eye. On sudden impulse he had thrown it into the cart and, when he came home, had moved it to his nightstand when Spike went out that night.

"Good planning." Spike grinned back at him. The smiles slowly faded and were replaced by a rising heat. He heard Xander's heartbeat quicken as Xander's hand began to trail along his chest.

"So, let's put it to good use then," the words spoken slowly, but with conviction.

"Are you absolutely positive?" Spike had to ask one last time, had to be sure. His answer came when Xander pushed him back and ripped off his pants.

Xander inhaled sharply, openly gaping at the sight of Spike lying naked before him. Spike was perfect, there was no other way to put it. Long, lean, hard. Perfect. He reached out a hand and grasped Spike's shaft, desperate for contact. He heard a sudden hiss and saw Spike's face contort in pleasure. Wickedly grinning, he began to stroke his vampire, listening to the sounds coming from underneath him. After a minute, however, he was suddenly forced onto his back, Spike pinning his arms above his head.

"Keep that up and you won't get your wish," was growled into his lips. Xander just nodded.

Spike began to deeply kiss him, reaching out for the lube. If Xander was sure, and he could tell that Xander was sure, then Spike was desperate for this as well. He carefully squeezed out a generous amount and thoroughly coated his the fingers of his right hand. He drew Xander's legs up and pulled him flat on the bed. He could smell the nervousness and strength in equal measures.

"I won't hurt you. I promise. I'll make this feel so good." Spike began to whisper as he reached down slowly, finally meeting the burning flesh. "Just tell me if you don't like it and we'll stop." Xander just nodded, his eyes falling shut.

Spike gently pressed one finger forward, moving slowly, taking care to be as slow as he could. He pushed carefully, gasping a little at the tightness and heat he found. He moved slowly, until his finger was completely inserted. He probed gently, finally encountering his goal. He gently stroked Xander's prostate, delighted by the sudden cry beneath him.

"Christ, so good, do that again."

Smiling slightly, Spike repeated his gesture and Xander arched up under his ministrations.

"More, please, more."

Pulling out carefully, Spike added a second finger. He entered more quickly, Xander's passage already relaxing. Spike began to carefully thrust in and out, making sure to stroke Xander's prostate each time. Xander quickly hardened again and his hips began to move in time with Spike's hand.

"Please," the words fell from hot lips, Xander's eyes were still closed and his head tossed back and forth. "Please."

Spike added a third finger and found his entry to be smooth. He still slowly prepared Xander, taking infinite care. He wanted this to be amazing. He wanted to blow Xander's mind. He wanted Xander to know what felt like to be filled so that Xander would fuck him next time. Finally satisfied with his preparations, he curled Xander's legs into his chest. He wanted to face him as he entered, wanted to see the reactions on that lovely face.

Spike quickly coated himself, making sure he was as slick as could be. He positioned himself at Xander's entrance, then reached a hand up to rest on Xander's face.

"Xander," he said quietly, "Please, look at me."

Xander opened his eyes, his breath coming quickly.

"I love you," Spike said, then slowly entered him, his eyes on Xander's face the entire time.

Xander thought he was going to die from the pleasure. The times with his father had been so violent and had hurt so much. This, this was heaven. He wanted to respond to Spike, repeat the words, and let Spike know he loved him too. But he couldn't speak.

Spike's eyes rolled back as he moved slowly, as slowly as he could. The tightness and heat were overwhelming. He felt no hesitation, his preparations having fully opened his lover. Sinking down, he entered Xander to the hilt, completely wrapped together. Spike forced his eyes open and he looked down, wanting to be sure there was no trace of pain on Xander's face. He saw Xander staring back at him, nothing but pleasure written there.

"Spike, Spike, I love you. I love you so much. Everything. Always."

Those words sent Spike over the edge. He began thrusting in and out, moving deliberately but steadily. A hand wrapped itself around Xander's renewed hardness and they began to move in unison, their climax approaching quickly. Spike's thrusts grew faster, more frantic and with a cry he came, Xander's echoing cry coming a second later. He spilled into Xander, shooting his seed in as deeply as he could. He dropped slowly onto Xander's chest, reluctantly pulling out so that he could wrap his lover **Mine, forever, mine** into a tight embrace. They panted together, still shaking. Finally, Xander pulled away slightly, leaning up for a quick kiss.

"That was incredible." Xander had loved it, loved the feel, the connection. Loved that Spike said he loved him. Loved that he knew Spike loved him. Loved Spike.

"Yes, it was." Spike's hold on Xander tightened for a second. It was better than he had imagined. And he had spent a very long time imagining just this.

"Spike?"

"Yes, Xander?"

"I love you." Xander sighed out the words.

Spike smiled, contentment flooding through him. "I love you, too. Now, what do you say we go shower. Always wanted to wash your back."

Xander grinned. "Ok, I always wanted to wash your front."

Spike grinned back. He felt incredible. Xander loved him. Xander had said he loved him. Xander loved him. **And I'm turning into an enormous whipped pouf of a wanker**

Standing up, he reached up a hand. "C'mon, pet, let's get washed up then sleep. Wanna get some rest so I can shag you rotten tomorrow."

Xander grinned as Spike pulled him up. Looking at the clock he saw it was 2:30 in the morning. "Spike, technically, it is tomorrow."

"Well, then best get cracking."

Matching idiotic smiles on their faces, they walked hand in hand to the bathroom.

Part Ten

Xander slowly opened his eyes, a feeling of utter contentment running through his body. He had grown so used to waking up slightly anxious, muscles still tense from subconsciously waiting for an attack. This had started to fade somewhat since he had moved out, but the nightmares which still plagued him had not allowed him to completely relax. But now, for the first time since he could remember, he woke up entirely refreshed. He knew exactly why, it was because of the cool weight which was draped across his chest. He hadn't realised until now that the smell of cigarettes mingled with hairgel would calm him completely. Hadn't realised it, that is, until Spike's head had rested on his chest, until the scent drifted up to him.

Xander smiled to himself, enjoying the feel of the flesh under his hands. Spike was still asleep, well, at least he thought the vampire was still asleep. It was so difficult to tell since Xander couldn't rely on the sounds of a muffled heartbeat or the steady pull of breathing. So Xander had him all to himself for at least a few moments, could stare down to his heart's content. Spike was so gorgeous, the sharp line of his cheekbone casting shadows along his face. Some time during the night they had turned and Xander was now resting on his back, Spike's head on his chest, the vampire's body sprawled next to his. Xander's right arm was wrapped around that firm body, almost completely encircling the slender waist. He hadn't realised just how compact Spike was until they were in the shower, until Xander had run his hands over every inch of that body, calm enough after their lovemaking to enjoy without the hot need burning through him. Well, mostly. Sort of. A little bit. Okay, maybe he had pinned Spike to the shower wall a few times and tried to suck his tonsils out through his mouth, but, please, he was only human - a wry grin crossed his face as those words went through his head - and Spike was, well, Spike. Not that the vampire had protested. If they weren't both so exhausted from the events of the night before, Xander was sure that the vampire would have been happy to have had sex in the shower.

But, between the sex and the beating Spike had taken, combined with the blood that Xander had given Spike to drink, they were both a little too worn out to try anything that strenuous.

Of course, Xander was thoroughly rested now. An evil smile crept over his face. Spike had murmured several things in his ear before they went to sleep the previous night. Among the promises, between vows of love and oaths of protection, had been one comment that was now driving Xander slowly insane.

"Don't worry, pet, don't be shy around me. I'll teach you everything I know. Give me a chance and I'll make sure you know just how to make me scream." A tongue had traced the contours of his ear as the words fell into his mind.

Xander began to stroke his fingers through Spike's hair while his other hand ran up and down Spike's flank. A low rumbling purr started beneath him, delighting Xander to no end. When they had finally emerged from the shower, basically driven out when the hot water ran out and Xander's lips had started to turn blue, Spike had set about making sure that Xander as comfortable as possible. Spike had washed him from head to toe, even washing Xander's hair. The whole time the same low, contented rumbling had come from Spike. Xander didn't even have to ask, it was obvious that Spike was purring, that he was completely pleased. The noise was soothing and slightly arousing all at once. Soothing, because the hum of it came from some low register which made him sleepy and arousing because Xander knew that Spike was happy, that he had made Spike happy, that he had made Spike feel so secure. Spike had pulled him over to the bed and set him down then pressed a quick kiss to Xander's lips.

"Right back, Xan, why don't you get dressed, I want to go get something."

Xander opened his mouth to ask what Spike was after, but Spike had already left the room. Shrugging, wondering what his lover was up to, he decided to pull on something comfortable. Looking over, he saw the shirts they had been wearing lying on the floor where they had landed when Spike had tossed them away. Padding over, he picked up the shirt he had put on Spike and held it in his hands. It smelled like Spike, the trace of tobacco there but other scents too. Surprisingly, it was a fresh, clean smell, which was in sharp contrast to what he had expected. Xander inhaled it deeply, wishing he could smell it on Spike the way Spike could smell his own scent. Sighing, he slipped it over his head, moving back to pull open a drawer and pull out an old pair of sweats. Comfy, he cocked his head and listened closely. Spike was doing something in the kitchen. Curious, he headed out to see what his partner was up to.

Spike moved quickly and efficiently around the kitchen, gathering together a light supper for Xander. It was one of his many well-kept secrets that he was actually rather an accomplished cook. While vampires didn't need to eat, not food anyway, Spike enjoyed a good meal on occasion. He had not had many chances to cook with Dru and since the crypt had no kitchen, he had not had any opportunities there. Since moving into the apartment, he had made a few meals for Xander, simple things like stir-fry or pasta, wanting to make sure that Xander consumed something other than the junk food that his body seemed to thrive on. Spike knew that Xander had to be starving, that the blood loss would shortly begin to catch up to Xander and make him dizzy.

Spike pulled the eggs out and quickly broke them into a bowl, stirred in some milk, salt and pepper, then expertly poured the mixture into the heated pan. Xander liked omelettes, the protein would be good and it was light. Besides, he made excellent omelettes, light and fluffy and he wanted to show off, just a little. Spike smiled at the thought. **Bloody right I want to show off, want to treat him like the god he is, take care of him the way he should be** Spike shook his head at this train of thought.

He had always been a hopeless romantic. Before he had been turned, William had been bookish and shy, besotted with Cecily, living to please her. When he had been turned, his essential nature had not changed, just been twisted slightly. He had been as devoted to Angelus as he had ever been to Cecily, becoming whatever his Sire wanted to make him happy. It had made Angelus happy to have a childe as vicious and cruel as he was, so Spike had turned into a vicious killer to please him. It was meant as a gift, an act of devotion. And with Drusilla, he had instantly been her devoted slave. He had known she was unstable, childish and difficult, but he didn't care. He knew that no matter what he did Dru would always want Angel more, but, again, he didn't care. He needed to take care of someone and Dru needed him. She had been his dark princess and together they had caused rivers of blood to flow. All as an offering to her. Spike did love violence, it appealed to him deeply, but he was not as cold-blooded as Angelus, Dru and Darla. He had some code of honour, twisted as it was. Dru's abandonment had crushed him and he had been lost without someone to love.

Now, now he had Xander. Spike had thought hard about the reasons for his feelings, wanting to be sure that he was not just latching onto the boy because Xander had been so helpless and Spike needed to be needed. He had spent hours prowling through the apartment searching to be sure that what he felt was true. He had ruthlessly examined himself and had finally realised that his emotions were authentic. Yes, in part he was drawn to Xander because Xander needed him, but that was not why he loved the dark eyed beauty. It was Xander's strength, heat, kindness and purity that drew him like a moth to a flame. No matter what, Xander bounced back, was thrown down again and again and just smiled and returned. It awed Spike, that this human was so resilient and brave, facing down evil of all kinds open eyed but still hopeful. Spike knew his love for Xander was like nothing he had ever known.

Spike shook himself out of his reverie and expertly flipped the omelette. It was done quickly and Spike slid it onto a plate. He turned to pour out a glass of milk and was looking for a tray when he heard the sound of Xander walking into the kitchen.

Xander had smelled the delicious scent of cooking as soon as he started down the hall. His mouth had instantly started watering and he realised that he was starving.

"Hey, that smells good," he called out as he settled onto the stool, enjoying the sight of a topless Spike cooking in their kitchen. Spike had grabbed a pair of Xander's sweatpants and the vision of Spike wearing his clothes was stirring a low flame of desire in Xander. Especially since they were dipping off Spike's slender hips. Xander licked his lips, clearly picturing Spike's tight ass in his hands. **Down boy, down, gotta eat, gotta get strength so you can play with the pretty**

"Thought you might be hungry, you've had a busy night," Spike replied, sliding the plate over along with a fork and some napkins. He leaned on the other side of the counter as Xander hungrily attacked his plate.

"Yehmf, dimff reayibize," Xander started to talk while simultaneously eating and downing the glass of milk. He swallowed and started over. "Yeah, didn't realise how much. This is great, Spike."

Spike just smiled, raking in the sight of Xander's swollen lips and wet hair. The shower had been great, he had gotten to clean Xander, been able to run his hands lovingly over the strong body, gotten to run his hands through that thick hair. He felt his arousal begin to grow again and just shook his head. **Bloody hell, I could spend the rest of the night shagging him and it still wouldn't be enough** As much as he wanted to do just that, he also wanted to let the events of the evening sink fully into his mind. He had made love to Xander. It still seemed unbelievable. He had wanted just this for so long that he was finding it hard to accept as real, he kept expecting to wake up as he had so many times before, waking to reach out for Xander only to find that he was alone, that it was just a dream.

Of course, his dream Xander usually didn't run his finger along a plate, trying to lick up every last crumb. Xander finally stopped, satisfied that he had devoured the entire meal. It tasted wonderful and he felt so content, so happy. A huge yawn gripped him, and he stretched.

"Tired, Xan?"

Xander just nodded, his eyes closed. He hadn't realised just how tired until that moment. Between the shower and the food, not to mention the mind-shattering sex, he was completely relaxed. Exhaustion was being to steal over him. It had been a very long night. Looking up, he saw it was now nearly 3:30 in the morning. No wonder he was so tired.

Spike walked over, pulling Xander behind him as they headed back to sleep. Spike hated to admit it, but he was just as spent. Along with the physical drain, the emotions of the night were taking their toll. He had been terrified when the fledglings had attacked, furious that he was being ripped away, that he was losing his love, that Xander would no long be safe and protected. Then he had been jerked back to consciousness by the taste of Xander's blood, terror again ripping through him when he thought he had taken too much. Then the shock of Xander kissing him, immediately followed by the enormous relief of finally admitting his feelings. Then the sensation of taking Xander as his, of feeling Xander surrounding him. Now, the security of knowing that Xander loved him too. It was fabulous, it was tremendous, it was making him very, very tired.

They collapsed onto the bed, crawling under the covers. Automatically, Xander turned onto his right side and Spike curved behind him. Just like always. Except this time Xander's fingers were locked with Spike's and Spike could whisper all the things he had been longing to say. He felt Xander drift off and then he shortly followed him in rest.

---

Xander's hands began to wander over the body in his arms, the longing growing the more he watched his sleeping lover. His lover. Spike was his lover. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe how right it felt, couldn't believe that he had no hesitation, no doubt. Everything about Spike was wrong for him. He was a vicious killer. He had tried to kill Xander in the past. He would probably try to kill him in the future should the chip ever fail or Spike succeeded in having it removed. He was undead. He was male. He was a vampire. He was the love of Xander's life. Maybe it the Hellmouth, maybe it was something else. Whatever it was, Xander didn't care. It was right. That's all he cared. He leaned down to kiss the top of Spike's head.

Spike's eyes shot open as he felt the kiss drop on his temple. He was resting on Xander's chest, Xander's hands were moving over him possessively. Not a dream. It had all been real. He closed his eyes briefly, feeling a wave of happiness steal over him. That and a wave of arousal. Xander's hands were doing some very nice things to his back at the moment and he was rapidly coming to full consciousness. He lifted his head up to gaze into Xander's face.

"Morning, luv."

"And a good morning to you, sleepy head," came the amused reply. "Thought you were going to spend the rest of the day unconscious."

Spike reluctantly pulled his way out of Xander's embrace, not wanting to leave but unable to reach Xander's lips. He pulled himself up Xander's body, then leaned in for a quick kiss which rapidly deepened as their passions grew. Xander pulled Spike on top of him so that the cool weight was plastered to his body. Hands began to roam all over, each vying for possession of the other. Their lengths grew against one another as they began to move in unison, grinding their hips together. Spike suddenly turned, flipping them over so that Xander was now on top of him. Xander responded by kissing straight down Spike's throat, stopping only to run the tip of his tongue straight across Spike's collarbones, swirling a circle in the hollow at the base of Spike's throat. He continued down, licking a sure path from nipple to nipple, sucking each into his mouth and tonguing it firmly. Spike just moaned at the sensations, desperate hands trying frantically to pull Xander back up, needing to taste that warm mouth. Xander ignored the imploring hands, the needful tone of Spike's voice and continued his sure path down. Spike finally managed to yank Xander back up just as he hooked his fingers into the waistband of the sweats Spike still wore.

"Hell, Xan, what are you doing," he gasped out, stunned by Xander's aggressiveness.

"Thought that was pretty obvious," came the amused reply. Xander attempted to slide back down the bed, but Spike held him tightly.

"Seriously, Xander, what are you up to," Spike looked up as Xander hovered above him.

Xander pressed quick kisses all over Spike's face. "You promised to teach me how to make you scream, well, now seemed like as good a time as any to start." He leaned down and captured Spike's lips with his own, devouring the cool mouth. He broke away and continued his path down, both growing more and more aroused. This time, Xander kissed straight down Spike's chest, unerringly heading for Spike's erection. He hooked his fingers in the waistband of the sweatpants and began to pull down.

Just as the phone began to ring.

Xander stopped for a second then shrugged, deciding to ignore it. He was busy and that's why they invented answering machines. He resumed his attempts at stripping Spike when he heard the machine kick in.

"Xander, it's Buffy, look wanted to talk to you about last night. Please pick up if you're there, well, we're all kinda worried about you being alone with Spike, um, if you don't call back soon, tell you what we'll just come over. Ok, well, hope you get this. Bye."
Matching groans filled the air as Spike sat up and Xander pulled Spike's pants back on.

"Xander, is there something you want to tell me?" Spike asked. Buffy had obviously sounded worried and a worried Slayer was never boded well for him.

"Well, see, Buffy kind of, well, kind of wanted to leave you in the cemetery. Said something about leaving you there and if the sun rose no big loss. I sort of threw her into the side of a crypt, picked you up, she tried to stop me and I may, possibly, have been somewhat rude to her." Xander nervously picked at the comforter. He really had forgotten about that, it didn't particularly matter before.

Spike groaned again and fell back on the bed, grabbing a pillow to cover his face.

"That's just bloody fabulous, got the Slayer all brassed off, did you? Proud as I am, this is not good." He had been avoiding thinking about what to tell the Slayer, the Watcher, the witches, the demon, basically all of Xander's friends. They would not react well, and he had been too enraptured in the moment to want reality to intrude. So much for that plan.

"Look, I wasn't really thinking," Xander heatedly started to reply. Spike just reached out a hand and ran it down Xander's arm.

"I'm not mad, luv. Just, didn't want to deal with this just yet."

Xander took in a deep breath. "Neither did I. What are we going to do?"

He was torn. On the one hand, he was proud that Spike was his and wanted everyone to know. On the other hand, he didn't want to explain this yet, didn't want to see the looks on everyone's faces. This was his, it was private, he wanted a chance to just enjoy it without explanations and accusations. And without having to watch as one of his best friends tried to kill his love. No, that was of the bad.

Spike uncovered his face and sat up. He let out an unnecessary sigh. This was inevitable, but he wanted some time alone first, wanted some time to just bond in peace.

"I don't know. Do you want to tell them?" Spike looked down at this. This was another thing he wasn't sure about, if Xander would want to tell everyone. Maybe not. He knew it would just further complicate Xander's full life.

"Of course," came the instant reply. Xander looked over and saw the relief on Spike's face. "Spike, of course I want to tell them. I'm proud of you, proud you want me. But, not yet, you know?"

Spike nodded, thrilled by the response. "I know. You do realise that the Slayer will probably try to stake me."

"Yup," came the quiet reply. "She doesn't mean it you know, she's just trying to protect me. Carries it too far sometimes, but that's because she's my friend."

"Well, I may be familiar with overreacting when trying to protect someone," came the wry reply. Spike reached over and took Xander's hand. "Why don't you call her back, tell her you tied me to a chair and that I'll be leaving as soon as the sun goes down. Then go and meet them, grab some lunch or something." Spike hated the thought of being torn apart so soon, but he knew that this would at least buy them some time.

Xander just reached for the phone. That was a good idea. He already knew what he was going to tell them, how to explain his reaction. Gods, he hated lying about this, but neither of them were ready to face the others. Not just yet. He hit the speed dial and waited for an answer.

"Hey, Buff." Spike listened to the disjointed conversation. "Yeah, I was in the bathroom. Sorry about last night. Oh, I tied the bleached wonder to a chair, he's sitting here flipping me off as we speak. Trust me, he wasn't thrilled about this either. What? Oh, as soon as the sun goes down. Don't think he'll be patrolling for a few days, he seems rather pissed off. What are you doing for lunch? With Willow and Tara? I'll meet you there. 'K, bye." He slowly hung up the phone.

"I'm meeting them in about half an hour." Xander sighed and headed for the bathroom, reluctant to leave but seeing no other choice.

Spike trailed behind him, wanting to pull his lover back, but knowing he couldn't.

"This is for the best, at least for now," he quietly murmured, trying to convince himself as well.

"Yeah," came the sad reply. "I know."

Spike quickly left the bathroom, not trusting himself around a naked and wet Xander. He stalked into the living room and began to hit the heavy bag in the corner, pouring out his rage.

Xander quickly showered, shaved, brushed his teeth, dressed and let the room. He heard the sound of Spike attacking the bag, wishing he could join him. He walked over, angling himself so that Spike would see him. Spike spun, getting in one more kick, then stopped.
"I have to go," Xander sighed. "I'll be back as soon as I can, miss you."

Spike just looked over then reached out and grabbed Xander. He kissed him desperately, longing and fear driving him. Xander responded in kind, then reluctantly pulled away.

"Look, I'll call as soon as I can. Tell you what happened, just pick up if you hear me on the machine."

Spike just stared at him, shocked at the feeling of loss coming over him. It was just lunch. Xander would be back soon. Spike walked Xander to the elevator, wanting to spend every second possible with his love.

Xander turned, trailed a finger across Spike's lips. "Miss you. Love you." He yanked the gate shut and took the elevator down before he changed his mind. Spike just stared after him, unable to speak.

---

Xander dropped down next to Willow on the couch.

"Hey, Wills, Tara, Buffster. And how are my lovely ladies?" It took everything he had to sound like his normal, chipper self. This was going to be torture.

"Hey, Xan," came the replies.

"So, did you fix up the bleached one?" Buffy called out as she came down the stairs of her house, adjusting the heel of her shoe.

"Yup, back to his ungrateful, surly self."

Buffy nodded, grabbing her jacket as they headed for the door. "Well, what was that all about anyway, you certainly wigged." The gang headed for Xander's car, heading for the mall.

"Yeah, sorry about that. Just, well, got to know him a little when you dumped him on me and we sorta became friends. Kinda, in a weird way, and just didn't want to leave him there. Besides, he's saved my sorry ass more than once recently and felt like returning the favour." Xander said as he pulled down the street.

"Oh," said Willow. "Well, that makes sense. Sort of."

"Yeah," Tara softly agreed, stroking Willow's hand. "He was trying to protect us, so I guess we should have been a little more concerned. He pulled like three or four fledglings off of Willow. So, so, he can't be all bad."

Xander shot a grateful look into the rear-view mirror. He hadn't even thought about that point.

"I guess," Buffy said, digging through her purse. Finding her sunglasses, she put them on. "Still, he is Spike. Of the bad and all. And he has tried to kill us all before, several times, so you'll forgive me for not giving a damn."

Xander's knuckles went white as he clenched the steering wheel. He took several deep, calming breaths. He knew, intellectually, that Buffy wasn't trying to hurt him. Just try telling that to the rest of him.

"Well, like I said, sorry. Won't happen again. So what are we shopping for?" He knew that would shut them up. Well, actually that would set them off on a new path and that's all he really wanted.

"Shoes!" came the delighted reply, all three voices called out.

"Please, kill me now."

Three hours later, Xander finally managed to tear himself away from the women. They had hit every shoe store at least once and he had been forced to stay with them as catch and ferry boy. He was going slowly insane. But, true to form, they had all gone off to the bathroom together. He grabbed the nearest telephone, sending up a quick prayer of thanks that he could see the ladies room door. He dialled the number and listened as the machine kicked in on the first ring.

"Spike, please pick up. Everything's fine, I miss you. Pick up." He heard the quick disconnect then Spike's voice.

"Xander, you okay, did they say anything?" Spike's hands were shaking. He had grown increasingly frantic with every second that passed.

"No, gave them some line about how you saved me so I had to save you. They bought it." He heard the sigh of relief come down the line.

"Miss you."

Xander couldn't help the grin that spread across his face. They had only been apart for three and a half hours and they were both acting like it was days. "Me too. Back soon I hope, can't promise. I'm bailing on them tonight, though. I've got better things to do." His vision blurred for a moment as he pondered just what he would be doing. **Down boy**

"Fucking right you do," came the snarled reply.

Xander saw the door open and heard Willow voice. "Gotta go, back soon, promise" He hung up and walked back to join his friends, counting the seconds until he could leave.

---

Spike paced in front of the elevator doors, listening to the grinding of the gears. He had been going insane the entire time Xander was gone, picturing the Slayer saying something cruel, hurting his mate. The phone call had only helped a tiny amount. He had been able to hear the truth in Xander's voice, knew that the gang had believed him. However, the sound of Xander's voice had driven him mad with longing. He caught himself playing the snippet caught on the machine over and over just to hear Xander say he missed him.

Finally, the doors opened and Xander came almost running out the elevator straight into Spike's arms.

"Spike, oh Christ, that was, you weren't there, missed you," the words came spilling out as they fell to the floor, clutching one another. Frantically, they started to kiss, trying to make up for the hours they were apart. Xander finally wrenched away, once again damning his need to breathe.

"C'mon, let's get inside." Xander moved off Spike, stood and reached out a hand. Spike took it and Xander pulled him up, then yanked him through the door of their apartment.

"Xander," Spike called out as he was pulled determinedly to the bedroom. "Seem a little focused there, care to share."

Xander stopped, pulled Spike flush against him and stared deep into those blue eyes.

"You promised me some lessons. Figure since I have so much to learn, need to get started." Xander pushed Spike down onto the bed and straddled him, ripping off his shirt.

"I do like an eager student," came the amused reply. "What say we start by you unzipping my jeans with your teeth?"

Xander grinned and leaned down. "So, how long will this lesson go, anyway?"

"All night, if you're lucky."

"Oh, I plan on getting lucky."

Spike just laughed as Xander set to work.

Part Eleven

Spike paced back and forth, checking the clock for the hundredth time in the last fifteen minutes. He had cleaned the apartment, done the dishes, worked out for about three hours until even that got boring, put away the laundry, cleaned both bathrooms - again, put away the movies, sorted the CDs alphabetically by artist and chronologically for each artist and rearranged the books. He had managed to stop himself when he realised he was standing in the centre of the living room trying to decide how to move the couch to achieve maximum flow. **That's it, no more HGTV, mate. Next thing you know you'll be making curtains**

He had taken to pacing and smoking but even that was not helping. He looked at the clock again and sighed. Ten minutes until Xander was due back. He hated that Xander still worked, that he hadn't been able to convince him to quit and just be with him. It wasn't as if Xander needed the money, Spike was only too happy to give Xander everything that was his. But his lover had just shook his head at that , said "Sorry, I actually like this job, makes me feel like there's something out there I do well." Xander had managed to cut Spike's response short. "And don't even start - I mean, besides that." So now, instead of being with Spike on their anniversary, Xander was at bloody work.

Their anniversary. One month today. One month since Xander said he loved him. Spike closed his eyes, savouring the memory of that night. He had spent so much time just wishing to hear it that, every time the words came from his lover's mouth, he felt his dead heart twist, just a little. Even now, when the words came easily and often, they still resonated in the air.

Spike turned to kitchen counter, settling onto one of the stools and staring at the small, dark box with a deep forest green ribbon sitting there. He hoped his Xander would like his present. It was perhaps a trifle extravagant, but Xander rarely let Spike do anything for him, wouldn't allow Spike to heap the treasures upon him that he deserved. Spike had been at a loss for what to get until they had driven by the dealership a few days before. They were on their way to the grocery store when Xander had looked out the window.

"Hey, that's nice."

Spike shot a quick glance over. A dark green Jeep Grand Cherokee was sitting near the road, a small spotlight shining on it.

"Fancy something with a bit more flash, myself." His eyes had suddenly narrowed and a wicked grin curved up the corner of his mouth. His problem may have just been solved. "So you like something a bit manlier, eh? Good for hauling things around and whatnot?"

"Well, those are really nice. All leather interior and sound system. Can go camping and not even get mosquito bit. And they hold up really well and are really safe." Xander had replied, casting a quick glance back. He had always wanted one, just that colour.

Spike had just shrugged, "To each their own."

He had called the car lot as soon as Xander left for work the next day. Thankfully, they had exactly what he wanted in stock and would be able to make the few changes that Spike requested. He exhaled a quick stream of smoke and looked to the ceiling. It was amazing what cash could get you. It had been delivered earlier that day and Spike had moved it around the side of the warehouse. The box contained the keys.

He wondered what Xander had in mind. When they woke that morning, wrapped around one another as always, Xander had immediately leaned up to kiss him.

"Happy anniversary," a low, happy tone to his voice.

"Happy anniversary to you too, pet. Wasn't sure you would notice."

Xander sat up, stretched and then smacked him upside the head. "Not notice. Like I could not notice something like that."

They had padded into the kitchen where Xander had quickly finished breakfast. As he turned to head into the bathroom to shower, he had called back. "Oh, don't make any plans for dinner. I'm going to take you somewhere."

"And where's that, luv." **Damn, have to cancel the reservations then**

"You'll see, it's a surprise. Wash my back?" With that all thoughts of the surprise had fled Spike's mind.

Now, Spike wondered just what Xander had in mind. His precious had seemed a little distracted the last few days, and Spike had been unable to find out why. Maybe this was the reason. He heard the sound of the elevator and quickly opened the apartment door. He was rewarded by the sight of a quick blur as Xander slammed him into the wall.

"Missed you," Spike managed to get out before they were again attacking one another, Xander pinning him against the wall, Spike grabbing his shirt and holding just as tight.

"Missed you, too. Happy anniversary, I love you." Xander grinned at Spike. He had missed him, even more than usual. It always felt like part of him was gone whenever they were separated and today, well, today it was even worse. Reluctantly, he stepped back. If they didn't stop now, they would just wind up having sex in the doorway, again, and as much fun as that was, Xander wanted to savoir it tonight.

"Love you too," came the quiet reply as Spike also took a step back. **Right, remember, no shagging until later, you have a plan** Spike watched as Xander preceded him into the living room, strong back moving under his shirt, ass nicely outlined by his jeans. **Sod the plan** He reached out, but Xander quickly pulled away, swatting at his hands.

"Stop that, bad vamp. Later. Want to get cleaned up. Sun's down in a little bit and, like I said, I have a surprise for you." Xander smiled, then a small crease crossed his brow. He wasn't sure if Spike would like this. He shook his head, clearing his mind. "Looks nice in here, you clean?"

"Bloody nothing else to do. I'm turning into a little nancy boy, you do realise that?" Spike followed Xander into the bedroom, watching him strip out his work clothes. **Oh, free show**

"Sorry, I'll get right to work on that whole sun not melting you thing. Gonna go shower," Xander glanced down and saw the hopeful expression on Spike's face. **Focus, no sex now, sex later, focus, you can do it.** "And, no, you can't join me." He ignored the howl of protest and locked the door behind him. **Yeah, like that would stop him**

Xander quickly showered, then changed into his favourite outfit, a black sweater and dark khakis. He knew Spike liked it, thus it was now his favourite. He wanted to look good, wanted everything to be perfect. He really wasn't sure how Spike was going to react, so he wanted to be sure that everything else was right. Spike had gone back into the living room to avoid temptation and Xander walked out to meet him.

"Ready?"

"We going somewhere, then, luv?" Spike smiled up at Xander. This was the perfect time.

"Yup, got everything in my car." Xander grabbed Spike's hand and started to pull him to the door. He was startled when he found himself being pulled into the kitchen instead.

"No, Xander, I don't think you do." Spike grinned as he handed Xander the small box, seeing the look of confusion there. "Happy anniversary, open it."

"Spike, what are you up to," Xander started as he pulled the lid off. He looked down, confused, at the keychain. "Spike, um, these are keys."

"Very good, I always knew you were bright."

Xander just rolled his eyes as he lifted the keys from the box. His eyes grew wide when he saw the emblem hanging down. "Spike, these are Jeep keys."

"Another brilliant observation. Now, why didn't they accept you at Oxford?"

"Spike," Xander looked over, trying to keep his voice calm and level. "What are these for?"

Now Spike rolled his eyes, "For a Jeep, thought you established that, ducks." He grinned. This was going even better than he had thought.

"SPIKE," came the frustrated response.

Laughing, Spike just pulled Xander out the door. "Close your eyes, Xander." Dutifully, Xander closed his eyes, giving up and just going along with whatever Spike had planned. They rode the elevator down, then Xander felt them go outside, walk a little ways and then stop.

"Ok, you can open them now."

Xander opened his eyes and felt his jaw drop. The Jeep, the one he had pointed out, was parked in front of him. He looked at Spike, who was looked like he was about to burst in two with pride and glee, then back at the Jeep. He closed his mouth, opened it again, still couldn't speak, shook his head, then moved the few steps forward to place his hand on the hood.

"For me?" The wonderment was clear in his voice. No one had ever done anything so nice for him in his life.

"Said you liked it, besides, that death-trap you drive has to go." Spike was ecstatic. It was obvious that he had done the right thing.

"Wow, this is, wow, too much, you shouldn't have, oh man." Xander stopped then walked over to grab Spike. "Thank you." With that, he kissed Spike thoroughly, trying to ensure that Spike realised just how much this meant. "Really, thank you. I would say you shouldn't have, but that would be a waste of time."

He and Spike had already argued about this several times. Spike had finally admitted that his comment about being well off was a slight understatement, in fact, Spike was rich. Very rich. And Spike did not understand why he couldn't just give it all to Xander. Xander had finally convinced Spike that he wanted nothing more than Spike's own evil self, but he knew it hurt Spike that he wouldn't just accept his gifts. So, he wasn't about to turn this down.

"Glad you like. Now, didn't say something about going somewhere?" Spike just stared into Xander's eyes, drinking in the pleasure there. He had done a good thing, he had made Xander happy. He had worried that Xander might fight him on this like he had fought the suggestion that Spike add him to his bank accounts, but, apparently, special occasions were exceptions to Xander's idiotic "small gifts ONLY" rule. Spike filed that away for future use.

"Yeah, and actually, this is perfect for where we're going. Just, let me get some stuff." Xander practically ran back to his car, grabbing the small picnic basket in the backseat along with a blanket from the trunk. Returning, he found Spike just watching him, pride on his face. Xander quickly unlocked the doors and they got in. The new car smell hit them both, the smell of the leather heady.

**Oh, great, now my car smells like Spike's duster. No distraction there, can just see it now. Well, officer, see I hit the tree because I was too busy thinking about what my boyfriend looks like naked to pay attention to anything as petty as the road**

They pulled out, and Xander just grinned, feeling the power as he stepped on the gas. He began to look around the interior, noticing that this was clearly a top line model. Glancing over, he realised the side windows were nearly opaque.

"Spike, did you have the windows blacked out?" This was great, if they ever had to go somewhere during the day then Spike could just ride in the back.

"Absolutely. Well, as dark as they would and still let you drive it. Wanted to have some options in case we suddenly had to flee during the day."

"Good idea, not the fleeing, but the day thing. This way we can take road trips." He was dying to go away with his partner.

They drove on for a short time longer, Xander exclaiming as he discovered each feature of his new toy. Spike just sat there, bemused, listening to the happy chatter. Finally, the pulled off the road into a small park. Xander followed the curving road all the way to the back, then parked the car. By this time, the moon had risen, full and heavy and the stars shown clearly in the sky.

"We're here. Well, almost, have to walk a little way still." Xander got out, running his hand down the doorframe as he did so, then reached back to grab the basket and blanket. He reached out, took Spike's hand, then led him down a small path.

"Pet, you sure this is the safest place to be." Spike looked around, somewhat concerned. If he had been hunting, this would have been a fabulous place to lay in wait.

Xander just pulled a couple of stakes from the basket. "Thought about that already. I used to come here a lot, though, and I was never attacked. And you know that I'm a demon magnet." They followed the path down, the sound of running water filling their ears. They reached the end of the path and Xander simply turned to his right and struck out through the woods.

"You do know where you are going?" Spike asked, worried. He could see clearly, but it was dark and they were now descending a steep hill.

"I told you, I used to come here a lot." Xander just continued down, carefully picking his footing. Finally, they reached the bottom of the hill and entered a small clearing. Spike's eyes widened at the sight before him.

They had emerged from the trees into a clearing at the foot of a large pool. The pool was fed by a small waterfall that came cascading down the side of the hill they had descended, sparkling in the moonlight. A stream fed out the other side of the pool and large, moss covered rocks were present in the water. It was beautiful, calm, peaceful, an oasis in the night.

"Xander, this is unbelievable, I never knew this was here," Spike moved forward, gazing around in awe.

"Nobody does, you can see there's no path. I found it years ago when I was out hiking one night and, well, for a long time I came here whenever things got to be too much." Xander moved behind Spike and wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his chin on Spike's shoulder. "I've never seen anyone else here, never even seen signs that anyone else knows it's here, it's like it's my own private place."

Spike just nodded, hearing the unspoken words. They rarely spoke of Xander's past, only when Xander mentioned it, only when he wanted to share. It was still too difficult for his love, and Spike always grew furious whenever he thought about what Xander's parents had done to him. They stayed there, quiet, for long minutes, until Xander sighed and then pulled away from Spike. He spread out the blanket, placed the basket in the centre and then sat down. Spike immediately sat next to him.

Xander took a deep breath. He had been thinking about this for the last two weeks and he had finally reached a decision. He had to say this, had to get it out in the open for what he prayed would be the only time.

"Spike, please just listen to me for a few minutes, okay. This is really important." The vampire nodded, scenting the hesitation coming from his boy. He tried to move closer, but Xander turned to face him. Taking Spike's hands in his, and staring at their entwined fingers, he continued.

"I didn't know what to give you. I don't have much to offer you besides my love which you have already. But that's not enough, I want to do something to show you how much you mean to me. So, tomorrow we're having an apartment warming party. Everyone is coming over and, well, they aren't coming over to see my place, they are coming over to see our place." Xander looked up, seeing the shock on Spike's face. "When they get there, I'm going to tell them that you are living with me, that you are my boyfriend, that we are together. They can just deal." His voice was defiant but still shook a little. He knew this had the potential to go very badly. Spike opened his mouth to speak, but Xander stopped him. "I know, you don't want them to hurt me. Well, I don't want them to hurt you. They have to know. I want them to know. I want everyone to know. I'm yours, you're mine. So, happy anniversary." Xander looked back down, afraid of Spike's response. He meant it, he was tired of hiding, tired of having to always show up separately, tired of not touching whenever they were with the others, tired of pretending.

Spike just stared for a moment. He honestly didn't know how to react. "Xander, are you sure, the Slayer, I mean, you know she will be upset. And the rest, they won't understand, Xander, they're your friends. I don't want you to lose them because of me."

Xander's head shot up at that and he leaned over to kiss Spike. "First, the Slayer can deal. I had to deal with her and Angel and, well, I didn't deal well, but I dealt. I can take whatever she dishes out. And if she tries to stake you, then she'll have to come through me first. Second, if the rest can't accept it, then they aren't my friends."

Spike returned the kiss, touched to the core. "Thank you. So, tomorrow night. The big coming out party." A smirk crossed his face. "We serving pink cake?"

Xander hit him, relieved. That part had gone better then he thought. "No, idiot. Alcohol. Thought that would help more." Now the hard part. "That's not all though." With that he stood and began to pace.

"Remember, the other night, when you asked me what I was thinking about so intensely?" Spike nodded, going still. He could tell that Xander was finally going to reveal whatever it was that had been troubling him. He pushed himself up and moved to stand next to the water, able to watch Xander pace but not getting in the way.

Xander looked up at the stars, gathering his courage. "Well, I was thinking about how you always say forever to me." He put a hand to stop Spike. "I know you mean it, that's not the problem." Xander's pacing became faster as the tension in him coiled tightly. "Well, I say forever, too, and I mean it." He walked over to Spike, reaching out to touch that perfect face. "I do." Dropping his hand, he resumed pacing.

"It's just, I was thinking how it wasn't fair. When you say forever, you really truly mean forever. I don't. I can't. Someday," Xander swallowed hard as the tears began to form. "Someday I'm going to die," he said quietly. "I'm going to die and I'm going to leave you and," he stopped as his throat closed and the tears began to stream down his face. He felt cool arms grab him, felt a hand push his head down on a firm shoulder, heard the soothing sounds.

"Shh, don't talk like that, don't, why would you think about that," Spike's voice shook as well, however. This was the subject they always avoided, the cloud which hung over them. No matter what, Xander would eventually leave Spike. Spike knew that even if he could, he would never turn this boy, that doing that would destroy what he loved in the first place. So it was inevitable, they could put it off as long as possible, but it was there with every heartbeat, every second one second closer to the end. Spike's eyes closed and he felt the blood tears begin at the thought. "I know you mean it, that if it was yours to give then you would. It doesn't matter." He didn't want to talk about this, didn't want to reveal that he already knew that, as soon as Xander was gone, he would lie on his grave and wait for the sun.

Xander pulled back. He had to say this, had to deal with this once and for all. "Spike, please, just listen, ok. You're right, if I can find some way to become immortal without being turned, then I will. And I've been searching and I plan on continuing to search. But, until, then, I want to be yours. I want everyone, everything to know I'm yours. I don't want there to be any doubt." He let out another breath. This was the hardest part.

"Spike, I want you to claim me."

Spike froze. "What?" He couldn't have heard right. He longed to claim Xander, to place his mark on that flesh so that nothing would dare harm what was his. But he couldn't, he couldn't bite because of that fucking chip. Couldn't truly protect Xander if he did.

"I said, I want you to claim me." Xander's voice shook as he turned away. **Oh, fuck. You blew this, Harris** "Don't worry, stupid idea, shouldn't have said anything."

Spike yanked him around and crushed him to his chest. "Not a good idea. Don't you think I've thought about nothing else the last month. Of course I want to claim you, but I can't. I can't bite you. Fucking bastards." The familiar rage began to build.

Xander's shoulders completely relaxed as he listened to Spike rage. So Spike did want to claim him, it was just the chip that had stopped him. He grabbed Spike's face in his hands, instantly stopping the violent words. He placed a gentle kiss on Spike's lips, then pulled back.

"Thought about that, and, well, it's up to you, but it depends on how much pain you're willing to bear." Xander pulled them back to the blanket and opened the picnic basket. It contained a thermos and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Holding up the thermos, Xander began again. "Stopped at the blood bank the other day and told them I was going in for surgery and wanted a pint of my blood handy just in case." With the other hand, Xander help up the Jack Daniels. "And this should help knock you out after."

Spike stared at him in shock. "Blood to heal me and Jack to knock me out. Clever boy."

Xander grinned. "What can I say, I have my moments." The grin faded. "Seriously, Spike, I don't know what will happen if you try to bite me, but I trust you. I love you. I know you won't drain me. I don't want to cause you pain, but I want to bear your mark. I want the world to know I'm yours."

Spike's mind reeled. He had wanted this the moment he first kissed Xander, wanted to make sure no one else ever touched what was his. Wanted to see that mark, wanted to touch it, wanted to lap the wound clean. Wanted to taste that purity and hope moving inside him. And Xander wanted it too.

"You sure, what if, well, what if I can't?"

"Than you can't and we'll figure something else out." Xander felt his heart pounding in his chest. Every time he thought that he loved Spike as much as possible, something else happened and he loved him a little more. Spike wanted to claim him. He wanted to be claimed. They wanted to be one. "Please, can we at least try?"

Spike pinned Xander down, crushing him, trying to pull them together as they kissed.

"Yes, anything, everything, you are mine. Forever. Forever. Mine." Finally, they drew apart, staring into each other's eyes. Spike slowly stood, pulling Xander with him. He moved them to stand next to the pool, turning Xander so that the moon shone straight on that beautiful face.

"Where do you want the mark?"

Xander's eyes dilated at that as a pang of arousal hit him. "Wherever you want."

Spike began to gently kiss along Xander's neck, desire and fear mingling in equal parts.

"Well, luv, as much as I want everyone to see it, may cause questions you don't want to answer." He finally stopped at the juncture of Xander's neck and shoulder. There. Still could be seen but also covered. He raised his head, staring into those brown eyes. He could tell Xander meant this, could smell the truth of it. "Ready?"

Xander just nodded. He could still feel the times when Spike had drank from him, could still feel the pull, the intimacy. He craved this.

Spike nodded back. "Xander, I love you." With those words, he bent his head to Xander's neck.

The pain hit the second his fangs descended. Spike's knees almost buckled, but Xander held him firmly, the arms around Spike's waist supporting him. Spike pushed it away, tried to ignore the knife tearing through his mind. He pressed down and felt his teeth begin to sink into the hot flesh, felt the warm taste of blood begin to pour down his throat. The pain grew and grew, a living beast attempting to consume him. Spike could feel his whole body shake, could feel a seizure building, but still he pressed down. He would do this, he had to do this. Finally, he began to drink, the now familiar taste washing over him, battling back the waves of agony. He pressed further, deeper, mingling their essences. Suddenly, all pain stopped and he could only taste Xander, could only feel the love and completeness. He drank one last mouthful, faintly hearing Xander's moan, feeling Xander's hardness press into him. Slowly, reverently, he raised his head and began licking the wound clean, bathing his mate's neck with long, sure strokes, sealing the mark. Finally, satisfied with his actions, he looked into Xander's eyes.

Xander stared back. He could feel Spike inside him, could feel their halves become whole. He was Spike's, Spike was his. They were. They would always be. He saw the slick of blood still on Spike's mouth. With a low growl, he pulled that mouth to his, desperate to taste his blood in his lover's mouth. Spike gave an answering growl and they fell to the ground, licking and tasting, feeling Xander's blood pound in both their veins. Finally, they pulled apart.

Xander stroked Spike's hair, shocked that Spike seemed so calm. "Are you ok, how bad was it? What do you need?"

Spike just trailed a finger along the mark. His. Xander was his. Forever. And now there was no way anyone could ever doubt. "It was bad, then it went away. It just stopped."

Xander's eyes grew wide. "Really, what does that mean?"

"Don't know," came the response, Spike's eyes still fixed on the wound.

"Maybe you can bite me now, try it again."

"Really," Spike said, hopefully. Sex wasn't quite the same without a little biting. "Here goes." He slipped back into gameface as Xander exposed his neck.

"BLOODY FUCKING HELL" The pain wracked through him instantly and Spike collapsed on top of Xander, shaking.

"Oh, hell, sorry, sorry, stupid idea." Xander rattled off frantically. He pushed Spike off, ran over and grabbed the bottle of whiskey. "Here, drink."

Spike reached out, panting, the pain still crashing through him. He yanked the bottle open and took a huge drink, then another, then another. Finally, the pain stopped.

Xander just sat next to Spike, stroking his back. He was furious with himself for suggesting something so stupid, but he really thought that something had happened, that maybe the chip had stopped working or something. Apparently not. Finally, Spike stopped shaking from pain.

"So, guess the fucking thing still works." The words slurred out.

"Guess so."

"Guess shagging is out of the question. Not sure which one of you I want most, probably the one in the middle." **Fuck, or not, can't even walk. Car. Hill. How will**

"Guess not, we'll make up for it later."

Xander gathered up their belongings, then wrapped a steady arm around his lover's **my mate** waist. "C'mon, drunk boy. Let's go home." Spike just nodded, his head tilting too far back and forward. Xander slowly led them back up the hill, settled Spike in the Jeep and headed home. He kept looking in the mirror, seeing the mark and grinning like a madman.

The Scoobies would just love this.

---

It was Xander's turn to pace. The bottles were lined up on the island in the kitchen. There were chips and pretzels on the table. Movies were rented. Music selected. He had finally extracted a promise from Spike that when Buffy came after him, he would allow Xander to intervene. They were due here any minute. Xander knew they were all coming in a group, Giles had agreed to be the designated driver, so at least they would all know at once. He paced again.

"Pet, you're making me dizzy."

Spike leaned against the refrigerator, looking the picture of calm. He actually was coiled like a snake, having reviewed all possible exits in case the Slayer reacted very worse than Xander thought.

"Can't stand this, tell you what, let's leave. Did you like Brazil, let's go to Brazil. Always wanted to see Rio."

Spike let out a laugh at that. "Don't forget, this little shindig was your idea. Now, you sure you want to go through with this?"

"No. Yes. Fuck."

"Well, that would let them in on our little secret wouldn't it. Walk in to find us going at it on the floor." **Hmm, not a bad idea, that**

"Spike, that's not helping." **Great, now I'm nervous and horny. Just great**

They heard the elevator, the sounds of the voices coming up the shaft. Then footsteps, then the loud knock. Xander looked over at Spike, who mouthed "love you". With that, Xander opened the door.

"Welcome to our humble abode."

They all came pouring in, thankfully, Buffy was at the back. The praise washed over him. "Great place, wow, do you have the whole thing to yourself, whose Jeep, oh, like the couch, it's huge," all one big blur of noise.

Then Anya's voice. "Hey, Spike, didn't know you were invited."

Everyone turned at that and Spike slowly moved to stand by Xander. **Here we go**

Buffy turned to Xander, "You invited him, why would do that?"

Xander swallowed hard, reached out, took Spike's hand and looked her straight in the eye.

"Didn't invite. He lives here."

The room went perfectly still as all attention focused on Xander's hand grasping Spike's. Once again, it was Anya's voice which broke the silence.

"Well, it's about time you two said something, do you know how hard it's been to keep acting like it's a big secret."

She came bouncing over and kissed Xander on the cheek, tilting her head and deciding to kiss Spike as well, memorising the expression of shock on his face.

"Yeah," said Willow, pulling Tara over with her. "I mean, it's not like you guys have been subtle or anything." She leaned over to kiss Xander as well, chuckling as she saw his grip on Spike's hand tighten.

Tara just looked at them shyly. "Seriously, Xander, Spike, didn't you notice that when we had that party last week, the invitation said Xander and Spike."

At least this got some reaction. Xander and Spike looked at each other. No, they hadn't noticed.

"But, how, I mean, we were careful, how, what," Xander began to sputter.

Willow, Tara and Anya just burst into gales of laughter. "Xander, you've been walking around on cloud nine for like, a month and Spike's been even worse. Besides, he looks at you the way I look at Tara."

"Besides, you are men. You have men subtlety. Like the leaving five minutes apart thing." Anya just shook her head. "So obvious. And, just a suggestion, just because we're human, well sort of, doesn't mean we can't smell sex if you give each other orgasms right before you leave." She rolled her eyes. Men.

Spike and Xander just stared at each other, shocked. They realised, however, that Buffy and Giles were standing perfectly still. As one their heads turned.

Buffy just stared back at them, the emotions clearly written on her face. Fury, disgust, rage, urge to kill. She stalked quickly over and Xander immediately placed himself between Spike and Buffy. **Oh shit, here it comes** Xander saw her reach down and he felt Spike tense, ready to run. "Buffy, c'mon, let me explain," he began then saw her hand quickly flinch up, throwing the water in his face.

"Hey, what was that for," he yelped out as Spike began to hiss behind him as the holy water splashed onto him. Spike jumped away from Xander, who was still staring down at Buffy. Buffy just looked back at him, confused.

"Xan, he didn't, you're not, you know, a vamp? He didn't turn you?"

"Fuck, no, you stupid bint," Spike called from, relative, safety behind the counter. "Why would I turn him?"

Buffy just stared back as Xander continued to drip. She had to admit, she was more than a little confused. "Need a minute here guys. Apparently, someone forget to give me the memo that said you two hooked up." She grabbed Xander and yanked him forward, ignoring the growl that instantly came from Spike. "Why don't you explain?" She let Xander go and noticed that Spike was instantly at his side, reaching out to touch him, then flinching back when he realised that he couldn't, that Xander was drenched in the holy water.

"Are you done with the sudden water throwing?" Xander asked. This was not at all what he thought would happen. Apparently, Anya, Willow and Tara knew and seemed happy for them. Buffy had only tried to make sure that he hadn't been turned, hadn't tried to kill Spike, at least not yet. Giles was just staring at him.

"Yes."

Giles cleared his throat, taking his glasses off and polishing them. So, he had been right. Xander had seemed much happier lately, and Giles had started wondering why. Then, about a week ago, he had heard Xander and Spike having a quiet conversation. He hadn't heard the words, but he recognised the tone. "Why don't we all grab a drink, I know I need one, and let Spike and, and Xander explain."

Everyone nodded and moved to grab something, Xander still taking care to stay between Spike and Buffy who were trying to stare each other down. They moved to the living room, arranged themselves and then all looked at he and Spike expectantly.

"Well, since this doesn't seem to be quite the surprise we thought, guess that's good." Xander started, not sure how to proceed. He looked over at Spike, smiled slightly and started up.

"Well, a few months ago, Spike and I started to become friends. Some stuff happened," Xander's face darkened for a moment and he looked back over. Spike just stared back, trying to will Xander his strength. Xander nodded and continued. "Anyway, stuff happened, and Spike was there and helped me deal. He moved back into the basement with me and when I got this place, he came along. Started feeling something more, then that night that he was attacked, we finally admitted what was happening. Told each other we loved each other," a smile unconsciously crossed his face at that, "and now, well, here we are."

Spike looked over at Xander's friends as his mate finished. Giles looked back at him warily, Anya was grinning, Willow and Tara were beaming and Buffy, well she looked confused but not murderous. Much better than expected.

"So, you two are together," Buffy started. This was completely unexpected. She looked back at Xander. "I didn't know you were gay."

"Neither did I," came the quiet reply.

"And now you're with Spike," Buffy shook her head. Glaring over, she rose, stalking toward the blond who simply backed away. Xander again darted over to place himself between the two.

"Buffy, look, he didn't do anything, I love him, you can't stake him. This was my decision."

Buffy just glared at him. "Fine. I won't stake him, yet." She pushed Xander out of the way, moving directly in front of Spike. "If you hurt him, in ANY way," a stake quickly dropped into her hand, "Then I won't hesitate for a second." She pressed the tip of the stake into Spike's chest. "I mean it. You hurt him, you're dust."

Spike just looked back down at her. "Slayer, if I hurt him, I'll stake myself. Wouldn't give anyone else the pleasure."

Buffy just stared back at him, searching his face. The blue eyes stared steadily back, the truth apparent there. She pushed the stake back into her sleeve. "Fine. As long as we all understand." She walked back over to the couch. "Now, I just want to make one thing clear, Alexander Lavelle Harris. I get to be just as nice and supportive of you and your vampire boyfriend as you were of me and mine." She grinned. "So, how did you and Deadboy hook up?"

Spike and Xander stared at the ceiling. The party had gone quite well after that, everyone laughing, getting more and more drunk. Xander had gone to dry off and Spike went with him, still wary of the Slayer's reaction. But, when they came back out, hand in hand, Buffy had just rolled her eyes but said nothing. The rest of the night had gone well, everyone sharing their best imitations of the look on Spike's face when Anya had made the crack about the orgasms and Xander's reaction to the water. Totally unexpected.

"Guess we were wrong about them," Spike suddenly said.

"Guess so," came the sleepy reply.

"Guess they really are your friends."

"No, guess they really are our friends."

"Guess so."

With that, they both fell asleep.

Six months later

"I cannot believe you bloody got me back in Wal-Mart." Spike growled out. The bribe this time had been the promise that he could push the cart.

"Well, you're the one who ate all the ice cream and nothing else is open at this time of night. Morning. Whatever. Besides, we need some other stuff, too." Xander looked down at the list. "Let's start over with the toothbrushes, can get the other bathroom type stuff."

Spike just nodded. He had finally talked Xander into going to college and, since Xander made sure to take afternoon classes, they were on almost the same schedule. Xander had fought him at first, but Spike could be very persuasive. Actually, it was the support that Spike had given that had convinced Xander to try. Xander had always wanted to go to college, but, since his grades were so bad, most people had just assumed he wasn't that bright. Spike had finally made him see otherwise, had forced him to check into it, had called around, had gotten the information, had filled out the application, and had sent in the cheque. Basically done everything but drag Xander to class the first day and Xander was pretty sure that Spike would have found a way to do that if he hadn't gone on his own.

He was enjoying it, discovering that, yes, he was actually pretty smart. He hadn't decided a major yet, but was taking his time. The most surprising part was realising that Spike could actually be a huge help. Xander had gradually realised that Spike was far more educated then any of them had ever suspected. In fact, Xander had a sneaking suspicion that Spike had gone to university himself at some point. Xander hadn't asked, he was waiting until Spike reached just the right state of intoxication.

"Need soap, too."

Xander just nodded throwing cotton balls into the cart. "I'm going to go pick out toothbrushes, why don't you get the soap then." He started to move away, when Spike grabbed him.

"What, no kiss goodbye?" An eyebrow quirked up.

"I'm going ten feet." A token protest.

"Your point being?"

Xander laughed, leaned over and kissed Spike. They usually didn't kiss in public, not wanting to draw any undue attention, but it was 3:30 on a Wednesday morning, who could possibly see them.

"Always knew you were a fucking faggot." The harsh voice slapped into them, the scent of alcohol close behind.

Spike instantly went rigid. He knew that voice. Xander's bastard of a father.

Xander looked up, in shock. He hadn't seen or heard from his parents since he left. He had no desire to even act like they were alive. Now, here his father was, watching him kiss Spike. He heard the growling come from Spike and reached out just as Spike began to spring forward. "Stop it, not here, security cameras," he managed to hiss out, pulling Spike back with all his might.

Spike just continued to growl, yellow flickering through his eyes. The mere fact that piece of shit was still walking was an insult to everything he held dear. But he backed down.

"Dad," Xander said, looking straight into his father's eyes. "What I do with my life is none of your fucking business."

"Don't you speak to me like that, boy. You show some respect." A finger reached out, jabbing towards Xander's chest. That was too much for Spike. Moving in front of Xander, he let himself morph into full gameface. He saw the shock cross the bastard's face, felt the scent of fear rush out of him. Good. At least he could do this.

"You don't deserve to speak to him. You never speak to him again. You are nothing to him." The words were a vicious growl and Spike's hands clenched and unclenched as the longing to just rip the motherfucker's head off raced through him. He felt Xander's hand touch his back.

"Let's just go. He isn't worth this." The words were spat out as Xander simply walked away, refusing to even look at the man who claimed to be his father. Spike followed, turning back for one last hiss.

Xander walked quickly out the doors, head high, Spike right on his heels. He made it to his Jeep before he started to shake. Spike immediately grabbed him, running his hands over Xander's back, making quiet, soothing sounds.

"Fuck"

"Yes, luv, that pretty much sums it up."

"Can't believe he still makes me feel like that."

"I know," Spike felt the tic on his cheek as he clenched his teeth together. "He can't hurt you now, though."

"I know." Xander buried his head in Spike's shoulder, taking a deep breath, inhaling the familiar scent. "Let's go, don't want him to come out and see us." Spike just nodded.

They got into the Jeep, Spike driving since Xander was still shaking too much, and drove home. Neither noticed the car following them.

One week later

Xander heard the elevator coming up. He glanced at the door. That was quick. Spike had just left for coffee about ten minutes before. Xander was studying for an American literature exam and needed the caffeine. He walked over, opening the door as he heard the footsteps approach, still reading the book in his hand. He pulled open the door.

"Hey that was fast," he never got another word out as he felt the fist slam into his cheek. Shocked, he fell back, smelling the alcohol, feeling the rage coming from the man in front of him. His father stared down, hatred evident on his face.

"Fucking faggot, prancing about, everyone laughing at me," he heard the words as his father grabbed him and threw him into the wall. The back of his head hit hard and he fell, seeing stars. He frantically tried to fight back, to reach the door, to get away. He felt the kicks to his ribs and he collapsed again, curling protectively to shield his face.

"You disgrace, should have killed you a long time ago," again he was thrown to the wall, but this time closer to the door. He reached out, pulling away, just as he saw the gleam of steel in his father's hand. "I can fix that though."

Xander managed to hit the panic button on the alarm just as the knife was buried to its hilt in his chest.

Part Twelve

Spike hummed along happily to the Sex Pistols. He had gone, gotten the coffee, stopped to pick up some Chinese, stopped at the store to get some chocolate and was now heading home. His Xander was studying, intent on doing well, intent on proving everyone wrong. It was so wonderful to see him changing, becoming more and more confident every day. Xander was growing up, growing into the strong, sure man that Spike had always known he would be. It was magical, like watching a tree grow, or a mountain form. Every day was something new. Spike hadn't realised that such happiness existed.

He turned down their alleyway, startled by the lights suddenly before him. He felt panic begin to rise as he pulled forward, seeing the blue and red strobes, hearing the voices, seeing one, two, no three police cars and two ambulances. He slammed on the brakes, ripped open the door and took off at a dead run.

"Xander," the scream ripped through him. "Xander"

Strong arms grabbed him as he came to the police cars.

"Sir, sir you can't go in there." The words vaguely registered as he desperately tried to pull away. The pain hit him and he jumped back, furious, desperate.

"Please, Xander, what happened, Xander, where is he. . ." Frantically, he turned to look at the officer holding him. "Xander." He turned back, the scent of blood hitting him from this distance. He managed to yank away and leapt over the hood of the car blocking his path, moving as quickly as he could towards the stretcher coming out the door. Again, he was stopped.

"Sir, please you can't go in there. It's a crime scene." At that he whirled around, yellow eyes blazing. He saw the shock on the young man's face, but he didn't care. "Sir, please, calm down, who are you?"

"William, I'm Xander's mate." Spike managed to pant the words out, still straining to move ahead. Again, he saw the confusion there. "Boyfriend, I'm his boyfriend. What happened, please?" He hadn't been gone that long, what the fuck happened.

"Sir, your boyfriend, Xander, he was attacked," came a quiet reply behind him. Spike turned again, growing dizzy at the words, looking over to see a calm face staring back at him. "He was beaten and stabbed," Spike began to howl as the words sank into him. He frantically tried to pull free. "Sir, calm down. He's on his way to the hospital. He managed to hit the alarm and we were here in about five minutes. We shot the man who did this. We can take you to the hospital if you like, just please calm down."

Spike slowed a little, the calm words reaching through his rage. Attacked. While he was gone. He had failed. He had promised that nothing would ever happen to Xander. He had failed. Spike crashed to the ground as his legs finally gave way. Strong hands pulled him back up.

"Sir," "William," he faintly heard whispered next to him. "William, he's still alive, he's on his way to the hospital. I'm sure you want to go. Do you want us to take you?"

Spike managed to nod a yes and felt himself being led to a police car. He closed his eyes as the siren ripped through the night. Xander. Xander. Bleeding. Stabbed. Dying.

"He was attacked." The quiet words were pulled from him.

"Yes, someone came into the apartment and it appears there was a struggle and he was stabbed." Spike hissed at the words. Stabbed. Bleeding. Dying. Alone. He began to shake in rage.

"You shot who did this."

"Yes," came the simple reply.

Spike looked down at his shaking hands. They were flying along. **At least the tosser driving knows his stuff** "So he was still there when you got there." Spike felt his heart break, knew his mind wasn't far behind. Stabbed. Bleeding. Dying. Alone.

"William," he looked over at the officer's face, for the first time registering that it was a woman sitting next to him, that he was in the backseat. "William, please, I know this is hard, but just listen. Xander managed to hit the panic on the alarm. We got there in about five minutes. When we arrived, Xander was lying on the floor, stabbed." The woman reached her hand out as Spike began to shake. "William, just, try to be strong, Xander's going to need you to be strong."

"Is the fucker still alive," he hissed out, yellow flashing through his eyes. **Please, whatever gods or demons, please let him be alive so I can kill him**

"Yes, at the moment. He's going to the hospital as well." Spike just nodded.

They pulled into the hospital and Spike jumped out the door before the car had stopped. He ran into the emergency room, following the scent of Xander's blood which seemed to drench everything around him. He heard the shouts behind him, heard the screams to stop, but he didn't care. Stabbed. Bleeding. Dying. Alone. He couldn't let that happen.

Once again, he was yanked back, this time by several pairs of hands. "Sir, you can't go in there it's the trauma room. Sir, stop, sir." Spike just struggled, desperate to break free. Again, pain crashed into him and he dropped to his knees, a scream of rage tearing through him. He felt a warm hand touch the side of his face.

"William," it was the female officer again. "William, the doctors are with him. They have to help him. I know you want to see him but you'll just get in the way." She led Spike over to the chairs, sitting him down. He turned back to the doors, training all his senses on hearing the sounds. He could still hear Xander's heartbeat, could pick it out from everything else. Shutting all other sounds out, he trained on just that sound. So slow, so weak, but still there. He realised that she was talking again.

"..And I'm sorry to ask.."

"What," Spike managed to whisper, never taking his eyes from the door.

"Can I ask you some questions," again, quietly, calmly, like she was trying to soothe a savage beast.

"Sure," Spike replied, still listening for that sound.

"Where were you," she started and found herself faced with a vicious glare.

"You think I had something to do with this, that's my mate, my mate, do you understand, when he dies, I die." Spike hissed at her, the rage building inside him. The only reason he didn't scream was to prevent them from coming to tranquillise him, to take him away from his mate.

"That's not it, just trying to get a sense of what happened." She calmly looked back, waiting as Spike finally nodded. "Can you tell me about what you did tonight?"

"Stayed in, Xander has a big test tomorrow, he was studying. Ran out of coffee, asked me to go get some, I did, stopped for some Chinese, some chocolate," Spike's voice trailed off. He had left him, had abandoned him there. His fault, all his fault.

Officer Healy just nodded, jotting the information down. She looked back up. "Have you had any problems with burglary, anything like that?" The alarm system had been top of the line.

"No." Spike could still hear Xander's heart, still beating, still alive.

"Well, like I said, the man who attacked him is here. Once they get your boyfriend stabilised, do you think you could see if you can identify him?" She didn't want to upset William further, didn't want to tell him they had found a wallet and knew who it was.

Spike just nodded. "Would you like something to drink?"

Spike shook his head, he wasn't going to move, not until someone told him what they were doing to his Xander. He felt the warm touch again, looked over, saw the concern in the green eyes.

"I'll see if I can find a nurse or someone else to tell you what's happening." Spike nodded gratefully, then resumed his vigil, hands shaking. He closed his eyes, focusing only on that sound.

After what seemed to be an eternity, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he saw the officer standing with another man, white coat, some kind of doctor.

"William, this is Dr. Hume. He's one of the doctors who was taking care of Xander."

"Please, you have to help him, all I have, please," the words came tumbling out.

"William, Xander is stable now. We had to take him to surgery." Another hiss at that. "He sustained a quite significant stab wound to his chest near his heart. We are going in to close it up. He lost a lot of blood, but we were able to replace that fairly quickly. He also has some broken ribs, looks like he hit his head."

"Will, will he live?" Spike forced the question out, looking up, desperate for an answer.

"Depends on the surgery." Spike just stared at the doctor. "He's stable and we can control the blood loss, but we have to find out how deep the knife went." The doctor sat down as Spike's head sank into his hands. "I'm not trying to upset you, just telling you the truth. Signs are good. The rate of blood loss has significantly slowed, which indicates that the heart itself wasn't punctured."

Spike nodded, unable to speak. Surgery, they had to cut his Xander open. Someone would pay. His head shot up and he pinned the woman to the wall with a glare.

"Where's fucking bastard who did this?" Rage began to build, it didn't matter how much it hurt, he was going to make the prick pay.

"Being stitched up, the bullet just went through his shoulder."

Spike rose. "I want to see him."

Nodding, Officer Healy led him down the hall. She stopped before opening the door. "Look, I just want you to identify him. Nothing more. No matter what you want to do, you can't." Spike's eyes thinned to slits, then he nodded. It wouldn't help Xander if he was arrested on the spot. Satisfied, she pushed open the door.

Spike entered in one dark swirl of his duster. There, handcuffed to the bed. He took one look, turned around and headed out the door.

"Do you know who that is?"

"His fucking father. Were you planning on telling me that Xander had been raped as well?" He spit out the words.

Officer Healy just stared at him. Xander had been raped, but she hadn't wanted to mention it. William seemed unstable enough as it was. "How did you know that?" She managed to get the question out with some degree of control.

"Bastard's been doing it since he was eleven."

Her eyes grew wide, both at the information and at the sound of the words. She had never heard anything like it, it sounded like William was growling. It also contained the plainest threat of violence that she had ever heard. It was clear that Xander's father was a dead man. Not that she disagreed. She had been there when the first set of officers had entered the apartment, had seen the blood, heard the sound of violation. She knew that the officer who shot that being in the other room was thrilled that he had left him alive once they opened both wallets and compared the names on the driver's licenses. What was going to happen to him in prison was much, much worse than death.

Spike began to pace, desperate for activity, damning the chip in his brain for the millionth time. A nurse approached them cautiously, the blond man radiated anger. "William?"

Spike stopped, "Yes?"

The nurse looked at him in fear. "Dr. Hume said to bring you to the waiting room. He thought you might be more comfortable there." Spike began to follow her as Officer Healy trailed behind.

"William, is there anyone you would like to call?" Obviously not the boy's parents, that was sure.

Spike stopped, turned around. "Yes, he has," he swallowed, started over. "We have some friends," He saw the phone in her outstretched hand. He took it gratefully, dialling the number from memory.

"Lo," came the sleepy answer.

"Buffy."

"Spike," Buffy sat up in a panic. Spike only called her Buffy when something was very, very wrong. She looked at the clock. 1:23 a.m. "Spike, what is it?'

"Xander, he's hurt, we're at the hospital." Buffy heard the sheer terror in Spike's voice. "He was stabbed, they took him to surgery, they said it was his heart." Buffy felt her breath catch in her throat. "Please, get everyone, hurry."

"We'll be right, there. Spike, honey, he'll be okay." There was no response. Just a dial tone.

---

Willow looked over at Spike. Buffy had called everyone, telling them only that Xander was hurt and was at the hospital. She and Tara had gone to pick up Buffy and Giles and Anya met them at the hospital. They were shocked when a police officer had met them at the door, then ushered them into the waiting room where Spike sat, staring straight ahead. He hadn't looked up when they arrived, hadn't indicated he knew they were there at all. But when Buffy had crouched next to him, asked him what had happened, he had answered in a flat, emotionless tone. Xander had been studying. He left. Xander had been beaten and stabbed. He was in surgery. That was all he had said. They had been given a private waiting area and were arranged around the room

That was three hours ago. They were still waiting for news. Spike hadn't moved the entire time, had just sat there, staring. Watching the door they had been told the surgeon would come through. Three hours and he hadn't so much as blinked.

They all started when Spike suddenly jumped up and began moving for the door. A few seconds later, the door opened and a tall, dark haired man came into the room. He looked down at a chart in his hand then back up. "William," he gently called.

Spike walked straight ahead, desperately scenting the air, trying to smell Xander on this man. He was shocked when the surgeon's eyes met his. It was the same doctor who had fixed Xander those long months ago. The surgeon looked just as shocked.

"Master, I didn't realise. . . Master, he will be fine. Please, don't worry, he's alive, he's well, he will recover, he will be just fine." Spike just continued to stare as the surgeon went on. "Master Spike, please, if you can just sit for a moment, so I can explain." Dr. O'Rourke slowly became aware of the others in the room. Glancing over, he stopped cold. **Surely that's the Slayer** Shaking his head, he gently lowered Spike into a chair.

"He's alive." Spike closed his eyes, repeating the words. "He's alive."

"Yes, the knife pierced the pericardium, the sac surrounding the heart, but missed the heart itself. We were able to repair it without any problems." Dr. O'Rourke could see the tension begin to drain from the vampire sitting next to him. "A few ribs were also broken but those were easily reset. He has a concussion, some other wounds. He's in recovery now, probably will be there for a few more hours, we were in surgery for about four hours so the anaesthesia needs some time to wear off. He'll make a full recovery, just will be sore for a long time."

Spike looked over, waves of gratitude hitting him. Twice, this man had saved his Xander twice.

"Doctor, I do not know how to thank you," he began, hearing the waver in his voice. "He is my mate, my everything." Spike stopped as the tears began to fall. "Everything. Are you sure he's fine?"

Dr. O'Rourke nodded. "Yes. Now, he'll need to stay here for a week or so, we had to crack open his chest," he felt Spike go rigid next to him. "So, he'll be in a lot of pain. Don't worry, I'll make sure we do the best we can to stop that. After that, it'll be a few months until he's completely back on his feet, but once he recovers, he'll be just the same. There's a private set of rooms on the seventh floor that are windowless, I'll make sure he's moved there. You can stay with him as long as you want."

"Thank you." The tears continued down Spike's face, but he didn't care, couldn't care. Xander was alive, Xander would be fine. That was all that mattered. The surgeon stood and Spike stood with him. "Thank you."

Dr. O'Rourke just nodded. "If you would like, I'll take you down to recovery. No one's really supposed to go in there, but I'll make sure they leave you alone. Don't be upset by all the machinery, it's just monitoring equipment." Spike nodded and began to follow the doctor, the rest of the gang fast on their heels.

They walked down a corridor, then into a large room. Xander's bed was the only one there. Spike practically ran over, hissing at the sheer number of tubes coming from that frail body. He reached out, took Xander's hand.

"Xander, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I love you, please, you'll be fine, I'm sorry."

Everyone else held back, just watching.

"Xander, I love you. Wake up soon. I want to see you. Please," a quiet sob. "Please, forgive me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Any doubts that had remained about the depths of Spike's feelings were answered by the sound of his voice, the despair and pain contained in the words. Spike reached out, tracing a finger over the faint scar on Xander's neck.

"Mine. You are mine. I will avenge you. I promise that."

"Master," Spike heard the words, but refused to look up. Xander. Xander alive. Xander breathing. Xander's heart still beating. "Master, we're going to take him up to the room now, you can come with if you would like." Spike just nodded. There was no way he was leaving Xander's side. Not ever again.

The orderlies began to wheel the bed out, Spike still clutching Xander's hand. They moved to an elevator, then all piled around as they rose to the seventh floor. The large entourage moved into a suite of rooms at the end of a long hall. Spike was forced to move as they arranged Xander in the room. Finally, he was allowed back, allowed to take Xander's hand again. He felt Giles move behind him, heard the sound of something moving on the floor, felt himself being pushed down into a chair. His hand never left Xander's hand, his eyes never left Xander's face. He vaguely registered everyone else arranging themselves around the bed, but he didn't care. Xander was alive. That was all that mattered.

---

His chest burned, his throat burned, his eyes burned, hell, his hair burned. Xander slowly came awake, hearing a strange beeping noise, aching all over. Gradually, the events of the night came back to him. He had been stabbed. He remembered that, then nothing else. He could feel something cool next to him and he slowly opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was Spike's face, red tracks from tears streaking the pale skin. Spike's eyes staring into his, worry, pain, grief, a touch of furious rage. He felt Spike's hand in his and he gave a quick squeeze.

"Love you," he managed to croak out.

"Shh, don't speak. I love you. I'm sorry." Spike's voice, thick with grief and pain.

"Not your fault." Xander tried to continue but couldn't, his mouth too dry. He suddenly felt an ice chip being held to his lips.

"Here, suck this, it will help. You're in the hospital. They had to operate but you'll be fine." Spike's voice trembled. "Everyone's here, we're all here, don't worry, you'll be fine. Go back to sleep." He didn't want Xander to go, wanted him here, but Spike could see the exhaustion on his mate's face. "I'll be here when you wake up again, don't worry." A cool hand ran through Xander's hair. "I'll never leave you again. I love you. Sleep now."

"Spike, love you." He felt a gentle kiss on his lips.

"Sleep, we'll talk when you wake up." Xander just nodded, he was so tired. He closed his eyes and fell back asleep.

Spike just stared down at the battered body. "I swear, if it's the last thing I do, I'll feed you his heart." He pressed another gentle kiss to Xander's lips, then scooted the chair so that he could rest his head on the pillow next to Xander's. He was so tired. Now that he had seen Xander, heard his voice, he could sleep. He quickly fell asleep, never noticing the soft hands wrapping a blanket around him, never feeling the kiss dropped on his brow.

Buffy stepped back, looking down on them, Willow at her side.

"He loves him."

"Yes."

"I hope someone loves me like that someday," Buffy said softly.

"They will."

Buffy just nodded. "Where's that cop? I have to find out who did this." Buffy stalked out of the room, everyone else following her.

"Buffy, why?" Giles called out, trying to keep up.

"Well, it must be human or Spike would have ripped it into tiny pieces already." An evil look crossed her face. "So, I have a plan. I'll find the monster who did this and let Spike tell me just how to torture him. I know it's not quite the same, but it's the best I can do."

She continued down the hall, leaving a stunned group behind her.

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