Issues
Oh great. What's the time? 3 am. Gnnngh.
"What's wrong honey?"
Nothing, I tell Anya. It's nothing. God, I wish I would stop dreaming about the bleached wonder. Anya snuggles up to me. It feels good, but I feel sort of like I'm lying to…someone. I pull Anya closer to me for a moment. And kiss her softly. She kisses me back and for a moment things are good. The truth is though; we aren't as comfortable as before. There's this thing there between us. Like we're both assessing the situation. Like we're both weighing up our options. Like we're both on probation. Suddenly everything is a big deal. Like if I say the wrong thing An will leave. Like if things aren't going well I'll…no, not going there. There leads to thoughts that are uncomfortable and sticky. And that I shouldn't be thinking. Not if I want this to work with Anya.
I'm not sure why we broke up in the first place. I think it had to do partly with me not letting her tell anyone about our engagement. We still haven't. In fact, the whole marriage thing hasn't been mentioned. I think its that 'uncertain about our relationship' thing again. It was the engagement and there was also…I'm not sure, just things, little things that happened too often, an argument that was bigger than it should have been, things that have been bothering both of us for too long. And then Anya leaving.
And then…yeah, stuff. Stuff I still haven't told An' yet.
"Did you have a bad dream?"
Depends what you mean by bad.
"Uh, yeah," I say.
"Poor Xander."
I kiss her on the forehead and hold her to me. And I suddenly need to tell her.
"Anya?"
"Mmm?
"When…when we were broken up…I - I slept with someone." Ok. Suddenly scared. Very scared. I feel her stiffen beside me. Ok, maybe shouldn't have told her that.
"Do I know them?"
Is it ok to tell a little lie if you're telling a big truth?
"You might've seen them around."
Anya is quiet for a while.
"How many times?"
"Um…how many times?"
"Yes, how many times did you have sex? I'd like to know whether it was a girlfriend-boyfriend type of slept with or an I miss Anya and I need sexual release type of slept with."
I almost laugh. "Uh, so not the girlfriend-boyfriend type of slept with. Twice, well four times if you count the blow jobs. Only four times." Only four times. And if you packed those four times into twenty-four hours, it doesn't even make a one night stand. "I was missing you."
I think I was. It was all about missing Anya. And ok, a bit of curiosity. All right, a lot of curiosity. And being horny. A lot of being horny. Ok and having fun.
Anya snuggles closer to me.
"Well, that's ok. We were apart for several weeks. As long as it wasn't emotional, I understand if you felt the need to have sexual intercourse. After all, we have been doing it at least once a day for the past two years. To expect you to completely stop is unreasonable."
I can't say anything. That's all it was. Sex withdrawal symptoms. Yeah, that's why I let a vampire fuck me up the ass. That's why I made love with Spike.
I squeeze Anya tighter and try to go back to sleep.
---
I honk the car horn. It's still light out and I'm not bloody frying my arse just to knock on the whelp's door.
After a couple of minutes, the passenger door opens.
"Hey Spike, can you honk that horn any louder, Mrs Evans hasn't quite called the cops yet."
"Get a move on Harris, would like to see at least some of the concert if that's all right with you."
He throws an overnight back onto the back seat, climbs in and shuts the door.
---
I grin. I've been looking forward to this concert for weeks. This is going to be fucking cool. Going to L.A. going to see a band. Hang out with Spike. Ok, so that's a sign of how bizarre my life has become, that hanging out with Spike is on the list of highlights in my life. But it is. Ok, so he tried to kill us like, often, and he can be a real prick sometimes, but lately he's been pretty cool. He actually seems to care about Dawn and he helps out all the time and I can't remember the last time he asked for money. I'm pretty sure the girls have been buying him blood. And I know Willow gives him cookies.
And since I got back with Anya, I've actually had a pretty good time just hanging out with him too. Seriously. Just hanging out having good buddy times. Doing absolutely no groin-related activities. It's weird, like he actually wants to be in my company even though we're not fucking. Which is sort of cool. Cause we do have a pretty good time just with the hanging out. Actual laughs. And those cool philosophical discussions like some of the guys at work have. You know, about really technical stuff. Like the science of the Matrix.
"So who's on Dawnster Duty tonight?" I ask.
"Witches," he says and starts the car. Some old punk rock band starts blaring out of the speakers. High definition. Spike's got a pretty good sound system. Oh and I just realise that he probably killed someone for it.
"So, um, looking forward to the big Offspring concert?" I ask, trying to think up some conversation. It was never this hard before. Or maybe I just didn't care about being nice to Spike. I don't know why it matters so much, but I like hanging out with him and…it just matters.
---Wouldn't admit it but I'm looking forward to this bloody concert. Wouldn't tell him that though.
I shrug. "Like a hole in the head. But something to do innit?"
He rolls his eyes. "You know you don't have to come. I can make myself an easy twenty bucks on that ticket I'll have you know."
I smirk. "Ah, but then you wouldn't have the pleasure of my company all the way to L.A. and back, would you?""Oh yeah, of course. Be still my beating heart."
I glance over at the whelp. He's sitting back in the seat like he always does, as if he's draped there. Don't think I've ever once seen the kid sit up straight. Those broad shoulders of his, sort of bent, like he's trying to blend into his surroundings, not make himself obvious. Kid's got an insecurity complex a mile wide. Shouldn't do, Harris has nothing to be ashamed about. Can be a self righteous prick at times, but all the same, he's damn funny and bloody loyal, always trying to do the right thing. And brave, though he can come across as a coward, as a bit useless, but that kid'd die for those he loved without thinking. Bloody stupid, but you've got to admire that. Saved me once. Stupid idiot. He's intelligent too, though he hides it under stupid remarks - easier to play the fool I s'pose. No risk appearing dumb if everyone thinks you are anyway. Kid needs a bloody shrink.
---We're going to stay in a motel in L.A. Wills suggested we visit Angel but Spike was very expressive about his feelings in regard to that particular plan. And yeah I wasn't exactly in love with the idea either. It's not that I hate Angel, I just, well; he's still not my favourite vamp. Something to do with being terrorised by him. True Spike has also terrorised us, and knocked me unconscious once…and tried to turn us all against each other… Ok, so it's irrational, but hey, I'm allowed to hate someone unreasonably. It's got nothing to do with knowing what Spike and Angel used to do. It has so not got anything to do with jealousy.
Besides, I still hate Spike. I just like him a bit more now.
---
We drive in silence for a while 'cept for the dulcet tones of the Sex Pistols. I look over at Harris and he's staring off through a hole in the blackening on the car window.
Yeah, been thinking about Harris too much lately. Yes, about fucking him. Can't be healthy that. Particularly as he's settled himself back nicely into the role of good little heterosexual boyfriend again. Not that I mind. I mean, least one of us is getting laid regularly. Always knew I was just a convenient male body for him to experiment with, explore his sexuality, all that. And me, well I got a couple of good shags out of it. Made me forget Buffy for a bit. And somehow, it seems better to wank off thinking bout Harris than her. Seems wrong to think about Buffy like that now. Sides, makes me bloody miserable.
Still hang out with the whelp a bit, play pool, catch some games on the tele, that sort of useless stereotypical male activity. Not as much though, as before, just - don't particularly feel like watching him and his ex demon chick get all lovey dovey. Rather not vomit copiously thanks all the same.
And you know it would be much bloody easier not to think about shagging Harris if the git didn't keep glancing at me the way he does. If I didn't keep catching him looking at me when he's supposed to be bloody looking at the nice innocent football game on TV. Would be much bloody easier not to think about his dick up my arse, burning me like fire. Much bloody easier not to imagine fucking him hard, surrounded by his heat. And it would be much fucking easier not to think about that stupid wide-eyed look he had when I made him cum the last time.
Fuck.
"Spike?" Xander is looking at me. Got lost there for a minute.
"What?"
---
Ok, what's up his butt?
"Ok, I know this is just setting myself up for an insult, but tell me again why did we decide that you get to drive?"
"Cause, you're not drivin' this car. EVER. An' I'm not driving your heap of shit all the way to L.A. And, I'm not getting in a car with you behind the wheel, more's the point."
Oh and there it is, insult right on queue.
"Uhuh, it's that macho vamp thing isn't it. Must drive the car. Ug me male. Bring on the chest beating."
He smirks."I thought it was you lot that was descended from apes."
"Excuse me, you were human once. And hello, vampires are way more Neanderthal than humans are."
"Hey, don't start getting all nasty bout the wrinkly brows. If you humans are the height of evolution, seeing as we eat you, ipso facto we out rank you on Darwin's little survival of the fittest gig."
"So what's that make a slayer then?'
"Freak of nature," he says.
And it pretty much goes downhill from there, until it's a healthy round of "I know you are but what am I?"
---"Idiot," I say.
"I know you are, but what am I?" he says for the twentieth bloody time. He's worse than bleeding Harmony.
"A very silly little pillock, who will get himself a right good spankin' if he doesn't shut the bloody hell up."
---"I know you a-" A spanking?
"Ooh Spike, kinky," I say in my best camp Big Gay Al voice.
"Mate, you have no idea." And he gives me this look. Ok, time to gulp, cause it was the same look he gave me the…the Operation night.
Then he smirks.
He's joking. Ha ha. The joking is good right? That's what buddies do, they joke. It's comfortable and friendly and very not awkward. So I'm a bit jumpy about the whole guy on guy thing at the moment. Doesn't mean Spike wants to have sex with me anymore. He hasn't even mentioned it; in fact, he acts like it never happened.
Which is good. Cause I know he doesn't have any feelings for me. I know he's still got this thing for Buffy. Which I kind of sympathise with, I actually believe he loved her now. Just things he's done. He's still helping out, even though she's dead even though there's not a big chance he's gonna get into her pants.
Uh, better say something in response, show I'm not even thinking about Kinky Spike.
"Oh and too much information?" I say in my best ew voice.
---
Yeah Harris, you wouldn't want to know the half of it. Wouldn't mind handcuffing him to a bed sometime. Show him a thing or two, I'll warrant his little demon girl never showed him.
Sodding hell. I'm hard again.
Funny thing is, Harris is only the second human I've ever shagged. Him and a blonde bint in France, but I was about to kill her so it's not exactly the same. Don't get me wrong, wasn't rape, she was willing, just, didn't know there wasn't going to be much of an afterglow so to speak. Dru went right off her nut when I told her. Couldn't understand it at the time, cause you know, feeding's very sexual and it's not exactly uncommon to cut out the metaphor and just do it, but now I think back, maybe she saw it as a prelude to my feelings for Buffy. Or maybe she just knew how much I liked it. Or maybe she was having Angelus flashbacks again. Either way it wasn't worth the grief to do it again. And, well, since Dru, there's been Harmony, there's been a robot and there's been Alexander Harris.
Being inside a human, having them inside you, its unbelievable, the heat, the blood in their veins, so close to the surface. Bloody intoxicating.
Not like I lust after blokes usually. 'Nother first with Harris I s'pose. Only other bloke I ever lusted after had bloody stupid poofy hair and was a right bastard.
---
Oh god, I just looked at Spike's crotch. What is wrong with me? So I still think about Spike and the sex with Spike. So what. It's not like I'm going to do anything about it. Like, sometimes I think about when I had sex with Faith, sure, I usually wake up screaming, but it's still thinking about it. I mean it was pretty good sex. The Spike sex I mean, not the Faith sex, it would be weird to just forget about it. It's normal to think about great sex, right? When I broke up with Anya I still thought about sex with her, not that I broke up with Spike because you have to be together to break up. But still, you get my point. It's ok, right?
---I concentrate on the road. Two weeks. It's only been two weeks. Have to think bout something else, because bloody hell, I'm not obsessed with Xander. So I want him. So I want to lick that chest of his and have his body wrap around me again. So bloody what.
Thing is, he's made it perfectly clear how he feels. I've got some pride you know. Not going to let him know I've been wanting him. If he knows that, the sadistic little bastard will never let me live it down. Kid's got a mean streak in him worse than Angelus. And what good would it get me anyway, if I told him?
He wants his soft human girlfriend, not some chipped pathetic vampire.Need a shag. Maybe I should pick someone up tonight.
---
I glance over at Spike and he's watching the road. Now would be a good time to talk about something manly.
"Hey did you see Crocodile Hunter the other night?"
Spike snorts.
"Fucking psycho."
"Now Spike," I say. "You've got admire a guy who spends his time messing around things with big teeth."
---"What, like you?" I leer. And flash him some fang. "You trying to tell me you've got some knackers hidden away there Harris?"
The whelp gives me a fake shocked look.
"Come back and say that when you can actually bite someone, fangless," he says. I look at him.
"Xander, really, I'm hurt. Oh wait, no I'm not."
He grins. "Admit it Spike, you just wish you were as big and tough and sexy as Steve Irwin."
And I have to laugh cause that's the most fucking ridiculous thing he's said today. I know who's bloody sexy. Ridiculous boy.
---
Spike is talking complete shit; he was so not in Nazi Germany.
"So you're trying to tell me you met Hitler."
"Yeah. Me and Dru crashed one of them flash dinner parties some top notch Nazi git was holding."
"Uhuh, and this was before or after you flew a plane in the Battle for Britain?"
"Before o'course. Pay attention."
Okkaayyy.
"Spike, you know I don't believe a word you're saying?"
"An' why the fuck not? I've been alive for over a hundred and twenty years. Got to do something to kill the time. What, you think me and Dru sat about plotting to take over the world all the time. Get bloody boring real quick that would."
Spike's stories all begin with "Me and Dru". I guess he must have done pretty much everything with her. Which is kind of nice…I guess. In an obsessive psychotic vampire killing team kind of way. I mean, no wonder he was so cut up when she dumped him. I guess she really was his best friend.
"No, I think you spent the majority of your existence smoking, having sex and eating innocent people."
"Well, yeah," he admits. "There was a fair bit of that. But in the pursuit of those worthy activities, we also did some historically interesting things. Blimmin' hell, Harris, from all the documentaries featuring old geezers wittering on about their pasts, you'd think there'd be some interest in a bloke who'd actually been there and still had all his faculties."
It's fun riling Spike. All right, suicidal, if he didn't have the chip. He gets so indignant. Funny. And I know he enjoys it too. There's this almost grin hovering there. I guess he likes the conflict.
"You're right Spike, I should have more respect for the elderly. Want me to mush up your food for you?"
---
Trip goes pretty quickly. Whelp babbles on bout all sorts of gobshite. He's not bad company, if he can stop being a comedian for one second. Let him take over the radio for a bit. Some damn awful caterwauling from some prepubescent girl group is wailing on right now. I pull into the motel we're staying at. Anya booked a room for us over the Internet. I told her I'd find us a place to stay but apparently she doubted my abilities to find precious little Xander here appropriate shelter.
"Right, let's drop our stuff off and get to this concert," I say. Harris nods.
We go and get the key from reception. All booked and paid for, lovely. Remind me to thank the whelp's girlfriend when we get back.
Xander unlocks the door, seeing as it was his credit card and signature and all. Nice enough room as motel rooms go. Minimal six legged life. Non-smoking apparently. Thank you Anyanka. Like I'd smoke in the room anyway. Have some self-restraint. Ok, I would, but only after sex, and it's not like I'll be havin' any of that.
Two beds. Tele. Oh and cable.
Nice.
---
I dump my overnight bag on the floor. Ooh little coffee and sugar sachets. And towels folded neatly on the beds with little guest soaps.
I open the mini fridge. Empty. For some reason An' refused to book anywhere that had a mini bar. You'd swear she didn't trust us. Spike pops in his bags of blood, that have been keeping cool wrapped up with a couple of cold packs. In a Hello Kitty bag. He claims it's Dawn's.
You'll notice I said beds. Two of them. One each. One for me and one for Spike.
Separate.
Why do motel rooms always make me horny?
I glance up and Spike's looking at me. He drops his Hello Kitty bag on the bed (snicker), and sort of coughs.
"Right, come on Harris, let's get going," he says.
---
We head into the club where the Offspring are playing. Lots of little teenage girls giggling and squealing. And I know this is Harris's idea of heavy music. Sad. Still, coulda been worse. Coulda been that bint I've caught him listening to, Christina Bloody Aguilera.
Wonder if he picked this band cause of me.
Shut up, you pathetic, dead git.
---
We grab some beers and sit back and watch the support band. They're pretty good and sound a lot like some of the groups that play at the Bronze. Cool. Spike's doing some people watching. Which involves him watching the crowd then leaning over to me and making witty comments about whoever had the misfortune to attract his attention. Ok, so I do it too. We amuse ourselves.
Shut up. I am so not as bad as Spike.
---
Finally, the Offspring get their arses out on stage.
"Hey, Xander, 'm going to go dance a bit, you want to?"
He looks positively terrified.
"With you?"
"No, moron, in the mosh pit." I shake my head. "For fuck's sake."
---
He looks disgusted. Good one Xander. Yes, Spike would really want to dance with you. Dummy. Crap.
---
Bloody hell, as if I'd want to dance with him. Press my body up against his and grind against him, writhing together in time to our own lust ridden rhythm. Not bloody likely.
"Yeah, duh Spike," he says.
Oh. He was kidding.
---
I'm thinking, right now a nice energetic jump around in the mosh pit would be a really good idea.
---
It's a stinking, hot, sweaty, seething mass of humanity. Screaming out, laughing and yelling along to the music coming from the stage. I can hear hearts pounding all around me. Hear and smell the rushing blood. It's intoxicating. Best fun you can have short of killing and shagging. There's pushing, punching and kicking, and blokes and chits being handed over the top of everyone. I'm only doing the pushing, sodding chip.
I've lost Harris. He's in here somewhere.
---
Oh and ow? Ok, I'm going to be the big wuss boy and get out of the mosh pit.
---
I make my way out of the pit. Disengaging from the hot flesh and blood scent. Most of the sweat I'm covered with isn't mine. Bloody good fun all round.
---
And I'm going to sound like a great big girly man again, cause walking out of the crowd of people into actual breathable air is one of the fucking best feelings in the world.
I take a deep breath as the sudden refreshing relative coolness hits me. I find a convenient wall and lean against it.
Wonder where Spike is?
---
I see Harris. He's covered in sweat, his hair's stuck to his forehead and that bloody stupid shirt of his is torn open. And he's panting a bit, eyes wide.
I'm hard.
---
Spike is standing right in front of me. And he's all…hot and breathing heavily. Which I know he doesn't need to do but seems to do all the time anyway.
Ok, taking a deep breath too now, because he's all taut muscle in that shirt and you can practically feel the pent up energy radiating off him. And he's looking at me. Just…standing there, looking at me. And way too close.
---Dexter Holland is screaming out something about balls and chains.
And I just look at Xander. Those bloody wide brown eyes looking back at me. And yeah, not exactly having the purest of thoughts at present.
And fuck it all to hell.
Then he moves as I move.
And oh, god yeah, we're kissing.
---
"Me and my old lady lay in bed all day. When I say I love her, well she rolls the other way."
And his lips are on mine. And oh god, it feels good. I grip his arm roughly and he's not even touching me with his hands. Just lips of Spike. Tongue of Spike. Did I just whimper? I'll take that as a yes. And oh, hands now, his hand on my hip and one on my arm and it's too tight, but oh fuck, have I mentioned it feels good?
---
"But really she don't mean it, everything she says. Still if I believe in love, there's nothing wrong…"
The whelp's tongue's in my mouth and this is turning out to be the best bloody idea I've had all night. And he's hard. Hard like me as I press my groin into him and hold him tight against me.
"There's nothing wrong with my head."
---
Spike grinds his hard on against mine and I rock my hips against him. He feel's like he's all tight jeans and cock and muscles. Oh god, I can't believe that turns me on.
Ok, got to breathe.
---
"So what if we're making a scene now you know you know she don't give a shit, when she's pawin and grabbin on me now you know I don't mind a bit"
The whelp pulls back, gasping. He looks at me all confused. Time for the bloody gentle let down speech or the get off me speech, or more bloody likely, the ew gross much speech. I look at Xander. Yeah I'm panting. Can't help it. The whelp licks his lips.
Then we're at it again.
I want him. And I don't bloody care.
---
"It's all good we ain't gonna change now. The world is unaware."
Oh god, Spike. I hold him to me. His body is hard, and ok, I've been thinking about exactly this. This is wrong. There's definitely some wrongage. But am so not thinking about that now.
---
"So if you want go on and stare, cause we don't care. We don't care…."
I press Xander back up against the wall. We're groping each other and snogging and he's making all those good sounds.
"Bloody hell, I've missed this," I breathe.
Bugger, I said that out loud. Don't care. It's true. Have bloody wanted to do this for weeks now. Every time he makes some half-funny remark at my expense, and every time he makes some self-deprecating comment. I crush my mouth on his, before he can say something now.
"Me and my old lady suck each other dry. And when in that position I'm the luckiest man alive."
---
"Quenching our libidos, passing time away."
And ok, my brain's starting to kick in now. Spike missed this? Spike's been wanting me?
Oh fuck. Anya.
Oh fuck.
Oh fuck.
"Spike-" I manage to say.
"Yeah?" he asks and oh, he's…
I grab at his hand just as he's starting on my zip.
"What?" he asks, and looks confused.
Crap.
"Spike - stop."
---
Oh. Anya. Of course.
Fanbloodytastic.
---
Spike pulls away and leans back against the wall. He lets out a deep breath.
Crap.
I'm supposed to feel proud of myself right? Cause I did the right thing? And didn't cheat on my girlfriend. But actually all I'm feeling is horny and…a bit sick. Crap. And Spike is just leaning against the wall, his eyes shut. Crap.
"Now that we believe in love, there's nothing wrong, there's nothing wrong with our head."
---
I close my eyes. Ok. Kid doesn't want to. Not like I'm desperate for him. Bit of a shag in the back of the car would've been nice, but not like I can't live without it. Can't let him think I give a shit about this.
I open my eyes.
"Want a beer?" I ask.
---
I swallow hard and nod. And I just do the wall leaning thing. Ahh nice.
Comfortable, non-judgemental, wall. Oh god. I kissed Spike. Ok, so I didn't fuck Spike, but kissage is not good. And the wanting to fuck Spike? Very much of the bad. Sleeping with Spike is so not a possibility. I can't have sex with Spike, or do any sticky touchy feely things either. It's just…I just can't. It's just wrong. And it's not just because of Anya's old life as a vengeance demon. It's, well, she's great to me and lovely and she doesn't suspect a thing, and what kind of prick takes advantage of that. And we just got back together.
Even if I do want Spike. Which is so very, very, not helping.
---
I come back with a couple of beers and hand one to the whelp. I glance at him. And he's studiously not looking at me.
Bloody hell. Bloody pathetic this is. S'pose I'd better say something. Lighten the mood up. Act as if nothing happened.
He beats me to it.
"And you wanted to go see Anal Cunt," he says.
---
Spike smirks.
"Heard good things bout that band. Probably would've got a bit of headache though if I wore razor blades into the mosh pit."
"Nice Spike. You're a really swell guy, you know that?"
He chuckles.
"Yeah, mate, I'm real swell." And there's just something in his tone and he looks away.
Crap.
---
I wander over to the car after the concert is over. Harris is sitting on the trunk waiting for me. I nod briefly and he jumps down off the trunk while I unlock the car.
Seeing him again's not helping. Thought jumping about in the mosh pit for the past hour or so might've taken the edge off. Apparently not.
Not going to let him know that though.
"Shift your arse Harris," I say climbing into the car.
---
Ok. And now with the awkward silence.
"So uh, that was the Offspring," I say. Cause, yeah, not very good at participating in the whole tense being quiet thing.
Spike starts the car.
"Not as good as the Ramones but least it wasn't fucking Backstreet Boys," he says. I'm so happy that Spike just said something relatively pleasant that I ignore that comment about the Backstreet Boys.
Ok. Not thinking about sitting next to hot sweaty Spike. Oh god, Anya. Oh fuck. Not thinking about kissing him. Not thinking about…
Shut up.
---
I swing into the motel car park. Probably a good thing that we didn't go with the double bed like the bloke in reception suggested. Bit funny at the time though, to see Harris's face.
The whelp is silent. He keeps shooting me these damn quick glances. I know he was just as much wanting a shag as I was. The way he kisses….Bugger. Why the fuck did he have to go back to demon girl? We were getting on all right. Having some good times. Having bloody fantastic sex. Thought he liked that last time.
Bleeding hell.
---
Spike isn't saying much. I wonder if he's pissed off about the kissing. Ok. So NOT thinking about that.
Grnargh! I run my hands through my hair.
I think I just need to go to bed. Alone. And get some sleep. And pretend it never happened and that I'm not wishing I was still single so I could keep doing the kissage followed by some shaggage.
I get out of the car.
---
Harris gets out of the car. Bloody hell. This is bloody pathetic. I am a master vampire. Don't go moping round cause some twenty-one year old kid has suddenly developed a conscience.
Yeah. Bloody hell. I'm a vampire.
Want, take, have. I bloody want Xander; I should bloody well take him. None of this bloody pussying about.
I turn off the car, lock it up and follow him into the motel room.
---
As we step inside the room, Spike pulls the door shut firmly. I turn to look at him.
And suddenly I'm pressed against the wall by Spike and his body.
Oh.
Oh?
Oh. Bad. Very bad.
Damn that feels good.
---
I push Xander up against the wall and press my hips into him. Graze my lips over his. Teasing them. Yeah that's it pet. Open up. My tongue flickers inside his mouth. Bloody hell I want to just throw him down on that bed and shag him till he comes to his fucking senses. Can't do that. Can't let him see how much I want him. I just want him. Not need him. Don't need him.
Soft coaxing kisses.
---
Ok, I just moaned. Not helping. So not helping.
"Spike-" I try to protest but it's a bit hard when he's making me want to kiss him.
Oh good, stopped with the kissing. Oh- ears.
"Spike."
"Yeah?" He doesn't pull back. Just nibbles on my ear a bit more.
"Spike, oh yeah, oh…I mean, no. Spike, I can't."
More licks and sucks and nibbling. Oh. And with the hands. Ohgod. Ohyeah. Just there. No. No. Not there. There is bad. Very bad.
And it's so very not helping that I'm remembering how he touched me like this when we weren't wearing clothes.
Oh and now a mental image of Spike naked. Thank you very much.
"Why's that pet?" he breathes in my ear. He rubs his hard on against mine.
Tingles. Good tingles. No, bad. Very bad tingles. Not going to moan. Not going to moan.
"Because. Because I have a girlfriend and it's cheating, dammit."
Oooooohhh, he stuck his tongue in my ear. Bastard. He knows that makes me all shivery.
---
"Don't care," I say. Cause I don't. All I care about is touching this stupid human boy. Tasting him. As long as I can.
"You mightn't but I do," he says.
The whelp's got a valid argument, but he seems to be missing the very salient point that I'm a vampire and I don't have morals. Least not when I'm trying to seduce him AWAY from his girlfriend. Sides he's not pushing me away, just arching his hips up and tilting his neck just so.
---
"You can't tell me you don't want this," he says in that damn sexy vampire voice from somewhere in the vicinity of my neck. Aherrrrr….Gulp? He rests his hand obviously on my groin. Ok, not rests, touching, feeling…ohgod.
"Ok, so I want it, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do it."
And now his hand is under my shirt….nipples? ohnnghh…
---
"Spike- what are you doing?" he asks in a strangled voice. Yeah, like that pet? I grind my hips against him a bit.
"I'm seducing you pet. Thought that was obvious."
"Spike. Stop."
---
I try to pull away to the side but he presses into me. Holding me with his body and his hands. Possessive. I suddenly get irritated.
"Great, I don't get a choice. So this is going to be like when you chained Buffy up in your crypt is it?"
And then he's not touching me. At all.
"Fuck you," he says and he walks out, the door slamming behind him.
Crap. No, wait. Not crap. It's not my fault. He deserved it. Not crap. Good me. Yay me. Fuck.
---
Fuck him. I sit on the hood of my car and have a smoke. It's not like that. I loved Buffy. That- that was a mistake yeah, but… it was…I was desperate and Dru…everything was fucked up. I don't care that much about him. I don't want him that much. Take or leave him. I definitely don't love him. Why would I love him? Buffy - she was sunshine and strength and power. The whelp - he's some kid with a smart mouth and an inferiority complex.
Don't want him that much.
I'm not fucking sulking.
---
Ok. Good for me. I resisted the temptation. Fuck. There shouldn't BE a temptation. WHY do I want Spike so much?
I've got a sexy, gorgeous, lovely, beautiful, and can I say hot girlfriend at home. Why am I even thinking about Spike? I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual, what with all the fucking, and the liking the fucking, and the liking Spike's body. And I've checked out some other guys just to see if they turn me on, after I first started doing the wild monkey dance with Spike, and yeah, some of them I didn't not find attractive. So I think I might like men. But I so know I still like girls. Also did some checking out of the female species. And lots and lots of turning on there.
And I can't like Spike more than Anya. I can't. That would be…stupid? Foolhardy? Plain dumb? Why would I want Spike more than Anya?
Stupid brain.
But then why am I still thinking about just before?
---I sit in the car and turn on the radio. Horny as hell. Wonder if I should just go inside and toss off anyway.
NO.
Don't want Harris thinking I'm wanking because of him. I put out my cigarette and lean back in the seat. Listening to some crass top fifty music station. I unbutton my jeans and reach for a couple of serviettes left over from some fast food we got on the trip.
I'll have a quick wank, then I'll feel better.
---
I flick through the channels on the TV, then turn it off. Wonder where Spike is. I'm not going after him. He deserved it. He knows I have a girlfriend. I'm not available for quick shags and blow jobs anymore. Not ever going to cheat on anyone ever again. Been there, had the girlfriend fall through a floor and get impaled.
I strip down to my boxers and pull on a non-sweaty t-shirt. I pull back the sheets. Motel bed. I hope he doesn't try anything again. Cause I don't think I'd be able to say no this time.
Hope he isn't too upset. Oh, yeah right. What am I thinking? This is Spike. Why would he care? It was only the whole Buffy thing that pissed him off. I'm just sex to him and someone he can tolerate to hang around with.
I so hope he doesn't try anything. I thump the pillow a bit, then lie down.
Wish I wasn't so horny.
I'm going to take a shower.
---
I get up a nice rhythm. And yeah, I'm thinking bout the whelp. Why fucking not. Thinking bout fucking him. Thinking bout letting him fuck me. Thinking bout that hot warm mouth of his.
And that stupid grin.
---
Mmmm, hot water, luxury. Anya. Thinking about Anya. Nice, naked Anya. Anya on her knees. Since when did An' have white blonde hair. Ok. Spike then. This once. Seeing as I resisted actual sex with him, it's got to be ok if I think about him now. Kind of a reward.
---
I sit in the car for a bit longer. Have another smoke.
S'all fucked up isn't it. Times like these you have to wonder at what point you went wrong. First falling for the Slayer. Then taking comfort in her idiot kid sidekick. Wanting idiot kid sidekick. Lusting after him. Not wanting to fuck things up.
Think I might've though. Sad bloody state of affairs this is.
Bloody hell.
---
It's nearly dawn when I hear the door open. I shut my eyes, pretending to be asleep. I hear Spike shrug off his duster and take off his boots. Then I hear the springs of the other bed squeak quietly as he lies down. He shifts around then settles.
Ok. Going to sleep now.
---
The whelp's awake. I can hear his heart - too quick. And I know it's because I fucked up and he's scared. Like I would try anything again. I'm not bleeding desperate.
"Just bloody go to sleep already. I'm not going to bloody jump you or anything," I snap.
I hear Harris shift about on his bed.
"Shut up."
And I almost laugh, cause it's a bloody ridiculous retort.
"Pillock," I grunt.
"Dumb vampire."
"Prat."
There's silence. Maybe he's given up. Least his heart isn't racing anymore.
---
I feel better, it's amazing how much good some childish insults can do. But I'm still a bit pissed off about the whole seduction thing.
"You seriously thought I'd cheat on Anya?" I ask.
I hear Spike roll over.
"Oh right yeah. I forgot. You're one of the good guys. Must've been the way your tongue was down my throat that confused me."
"Shut up," I say again. "This is so not my fault. I said no."
"And I stopped. So we're both happy. Let's get some sleep."
"Good. So shut up already."
"You bloody shut up."
---
There's a bit of silence, then,
"Want to watch some TV?"
Bloody hell, why not.
---
I sleep till nearly one the next day. We can't drive back until it's dark. So after flicking through the TV stations for a while, trying not to wake Spike, I get up and get dressed and go out and have a look round L.A.
Do something non-Spike related with no sleeping Spikes in the room looking all innocent and pretty. It's weird; Spike is actually pretty when he's silent and asleep.
---
I wake up about four. The motel is empty. Figure the whelp must've gone out for a look around the big city 'fore we have to get back to Sunnyhell.
I flick on the TV. Oh look. Porn.
---
I bought Anya presents. Lot's of presents. Because buying presents is heaps easier than thinking about things.
I open the motel room door quietly in case Spike is still asleep.
Oh.
Spike is not asleep. Spike is… I take in Spike, the TV, the porn on the TV, the cock in Spike's hand.
Oh.
Then Spike sees me.
"Bloody hell!" he exclaims, pulling a sheet up to cover himself.
---
Bloody hell.
The whelp just stares at me. Like a bloody rabbit in the headlights. He's blushing. Think I'd be bloody red too if I had circulation.
Bugger. Bollocks. Bloody fucking bleeding hell.
Then he looks away, and stiffly puts the shopping down.
Considering that I just tried to seduce him last night. This is pretty bloody bad timing.
Bugger. I reach out and turn off the TV.
---
"Don't mind me," I say, ok, a bit sarcastically.
I concentrate on the really cool pattern on the curtains as I put the presents for Anya down. Spike. Cock. God, Spike was jerking off. I caught Spike jerking off. I decide that the pretend it never happened option is a good one right now.
Spike looks at me, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. Slamming the door.
---
I sigh and lean my head against the mirror looking at the bathroom behind me. It's pretty cool, that. You can be right in front of a mirror, but still see everything behind you reflected clearly.
Best-case scenario, Xander follows me in here and I take him against the bathroom cabinet.
Worst-case scenario, the kid thinks I'm some kind of pervert who won't give it a rest and tells me to get fucked.
Or stakes me.
I tuck myself back in and do up my jeans.
Since when do I care about shit like this? He's the one who walked in. I ought to be out there still, having a good time of it. For some bloody reason, I seem to give a flying fuck what he thinks.
---
I don't think Spike was doing that on purpose. Obviously, he was masturbating on purpose. But I don't think he intended me to walk in on him. The whole 'oh shit' look on his face sort of indicated that. So that's good.
Also the storming off to the bathroom. Another good sign.
I really had expected a smirk and an invitation. Which I would have turned down. Of course. Because seeing Spike spanking the monkey, not a turn on. At all.
Much.
And not thinking about the look on Spike's face before he realised I was there. Not thinking about the way he was biting his lip, about the little moan I heard.
And SO not thinking about what could've happened if he hadn't stopped.
I turn on the TV again.
Wonder how long he's going to be in the bathroom for.
Hey, there IS free porn.
---
I hear something that suspiciously sounds like a pornographic movie. I don't bloody believe it. I listen for a bit.
It is. The whelp has turned the tele back on. Bloody hell. He's watching the porn.
Bloody hell.
---
I can't believe I'm doing this. This is so incredibly stupid. Bad Xander. Stop right this minute. Spike is in the next room. This is so fucking stupid.
Oh yeah.
Hmmm, that's an interesting position.
Ok, best case scenario…no. There is no best-case scenario. There is a worst-case scenario: Spike comes out, sees me jerking off and points and laughs. Ok, more likely smirks. But I will ignore that. Hey, if he can jerk off whenever he wants to, so can I.
---Either the whelp has turned on the tele to drown out whatever noises he thinks I'm gonna be making in here…or…he's enjoying some televisual entertainment himself.
I'm hard again at that thought.
I listen at the door. And…Bloody hell. Have to chuckle, cause I can't believe he's fucking doing that. Tossing off, knowing full well I might walk in…
Oh god.
---
I wonder if he's going to come out. I mean I guess it doesn't matter. Because I'm not doing this for his benefit. I'm doing it because there is the porn and I am horny.
Girl porn. It's girl porn.
And I'm just masturbating. It's not cheating. And just saying Spike does come out. That's not cheating. As long as he just jerks off quietly to himself on the other bed.
Not cheating.
Anya doesn't mind if I watch porn.
---
I pull off my t-shirt and open the bathroom door. I look at Xander and he's sitting on the bed, staring fixedly at the television. Wanking. And if it didn't turn me on so much and completely fuck up my head I'd have to admire the sheer balls the kid has to do it.
And he doesn't look at me, but he doesn't stop neither.
---
Spike pads across the room and crosses my line of vision for a brief moment. And I notice two things. No shirt. Hard on.
I hear the other bed squeak as he sits down. Good, the other bed. If he's way over on the other bed, it's definitely not cheating.
Then the pop pop as he unbuttons his jeans.
Focusing on the TV.
Hah, I can't believe I kept going. Go me. And yes, I'm nervous. But also, excited.
Yep, this is fucking excellent porn.
---
I sit back on the bed and bend my knees so my feet are flat on the bed. I'm hard. And I know it's got bloody nothing to do with the TV.
I start stroking and I hear a small moan, but I don't look over at him. I can smell him, smell his arousal, the pre-cum, and a slight scent of fear. I hear his heart pounding in his chest.
I stroke harder.
An' we're just going to play a little game where we pretend that neither of us is doing this because of each other.
---
Ok, I just snuck a quick look at Spike. Just to see whether he was actually jerking off or just like, laughing at me silently or something.
He was sitting there, head back against the headboard, eyes closed. Stroking himself slowly. Gah, have I mentioned the no shirt?
Ohfuck…I bite my lip to stop moaning, and slide my hand faster. Lube or lotion or something would be good, I'm getting a bit sore after last night's effort as well as todays.
---
I hear a couple of stifled moans and some heavy breathing. And it's not from the tele either. Although the sounds of rutting from that direction are only helping the mood. Yeah Xander, yeah pet. That's it. I open my eyes and risk a glance at him. Ohfuck yes, he's biting his lip and he's all flushed and one hand's clenching the sheets and the other's stroking that nice big dick of his.
---
I look over at Spike and catch him looking at me. I look away, then look back, just as he's looking back. Ok, back to the porn. Watching the TV. Watching a big hairy guy screw a woman who looks about thirty but who's dressed up like a cheerleader.
Good TV. Nice non-cheating TV.
---
I remember the last time I saw Harris pull himself off. I was leaning over him wanking and I'd just finger fucked him good and proper. I pull myself and think about his hot mouth sliding over my cock. Or better my cock sliding into that tight arse of his.
Yeah. I look over at him again and catch him looking at me. I just hold his gaze. And pull.
Yeah pet. Tell me you don't want this.
---
Ohfuck Spike. Fuck. Ohyes. I stroke faster. Oh crap, no, not thinking about Spike. And I realise I'm still looking at him and quickly look back at the TV.
---
Xander looks away and then looks back again. Each look's a little longer and I put on a bit of a show for him, looking at him, holding his eyes and pulling myself. He lets his eyes flicker over me and linger in that damn hesitant way that makes me just want to shag him.
Then neither of us are looking at the TV anymore. We're both looking at each other. The whelp's just sitting there pulling on himself, watching me wank. Pulling on that cock of his. Bloody hell, it's erotic.
I want him. Inside me. I want fucking.
---
Ok, I'm panting now. And I'm watching Spike and he's looking at me. His tight body, and that cock. And ok, yes, I think about fucking him. About sliding into him. And that time he did me.
And…oh fuck.
Spike gets up onto his knees on the bed and he pushes his jeans down off his hips. Practically naked Spike.
Spike's butt. He's so damn sexy.
He kneels there, jeans around his parted knees, pulling his cock and looking at me with those blue eyes that are all lusty. And oh, yes, I mean, fuck, oh god, he reaches behind himself and….ohgnnahh?
---
Yeah, pet. Yeah Xander. Oh, yes. Watch me. I push a finger inside myself, pulling on my cock with one hand and finger myself with the other. My eyes locked on the whelp's. And I'm thinking bout him doing this to me. Bout his fingers, about his dick up my arse, thrusting into me. Bout his hand pulling on my cock. Those brown eyes just stare at me, full of lust, and he strokes himself even harder.
I thrust inside myself faster and I find that spot.
"Oh yes!" I buck forward into my own hand. I'm gonna cum.
---
I'm going to cum. Going to cum, just watching Spike debauch himself. And its not as funny looking as it sounds. It's damn erotic actually and Spike just looks…hot. Like sex. Lust, desire, violence, heat. All that wrapped up into a bleach blonde guy pleasuring himself. And I can't help wishing I was those fingers.
And then he cries out. "Yes, oh fuck yes!"
"Oh fuck, I'm going to cum!" I gasp. "Oh fuck, Spike!" And part of me is telling me I shouldn't have called his name, but I'm too close to cumming to panic about it. Spike's eyes widen.
"Xander!" he gasps and I shoot cum onto the bed in front of me.
"Ohfuckyes, bloody hell! Yes!" He says and cums too.
---
I collapse back onto the bed. Now that was intense.
I hear him get up and go into the bathroom and shut the door.
I sigh. All right. Time to get back to 'we're not shagging cause he doesn't cheat' land.
I hope it's dark out. I'm not going to be able to stay in this room with that boy for much longer without shagging him silly.
---
Oh god.
Oh crap.
Oh fuck.
---
Xander comes out of the bathroom just as I'm pulling up my trousers. He doesn't look at me.
Bugger.
"Can we get going soon Spike? I told Anya I'd be home by eight."
I nod.
"Just about dark enough," I say.
And he picks up his bag and leaves the motel room.
---
We don't talk on the way home. I just got off from looking at Spike. Spike. I got off with Spike.
And I feel so guilty. Which is good. That is what I should feel. I've got a gazillion whys in my head. But really, all I have is one question: do I have a reason to break up with Anya? Do I want to break up with Anya? Ok, that's two questions, but they are very similar. And the second one is more a clarification.
God. I think the fact that I spent the last twenty-four hours lusting over someone else, a guy, and then engaged in a pretty erotic experience with said guy, sort of indicates that maybe I ought to be questioning my current relationship. The fact that, if he wasn't the cause of all this crap, I'd want to kiss him and possibly hold him, isn't helping either. Cause he looks a bit, I don't know, quiet.
But he is the cause. And I'm so confused. I need some time to think so badly. The two hour and a half hour car drive were nowhere near enough. I barely manage a bye to Spike when we finally get to my place.
And Anya's waiting when I walk in the door.