Ceremony Of Innocence

By DM Evans

Chapter: 10

Angel felt something deep inside him like a whisper echoing around his ribcage; a feeling of someone as close as skin. He knew that feeling and let it lead him outside. Lindsey and Kevin were settled for the night while Wesley talked with Connor or more precisely talked at him. Connor had been listless, unable to rest and clinging to them in a way Angel had never seen him do before. As per his request, Wesley was telling Connor some light-hearted stories from his college days. Connor wasn't really listening and Angel had tuned it out when Wesley started in on how he played Katherine in his all-boys' school production of Taming of the Shrew. It was all just a little too disturbing. Connor seemed almost asleep as Angel headed out the door.

Angel walked into the grass and into the wooded area at the edge of his property. "Buffy," he said quietly. He couldn't see her yet but he knew she was nearby. He could feel her.

She walked up the road that lead to his mansion. "Can we talk?"

"Do you want me to go on patrol with you?" Angel asked hesitantly. He knew this wasn't going to be a patrol type of night. There was so much they had to say to each other, little flashes of knowledge gained during the battles with the First that had lain dormant and were about to be exhumed. He knew it, knew it was necessary but dreaded it anyhow.

Buffy looked no more comfortable about it. "Not really."

He weighed the tension he saw in her thin frame, wishing he wouldn't have to put her through any more misery but they both seemed to thrive on it, like nectar. "Can we take a walk then? I don't want Connor to hear. He's disturbed enough."

Buffy nodded and headed back up the road. "How is he?"

"Not good but I guess it's expected. He's only been safe for the last twenty-four hours. He hasn't had time to heal. He's still waiting to be hurt more. I shouldn't have brought him but I couldn't chance leaving him in L.A."

"You should have told me, Angel. I know we've already argued about this but you should have told me." A resigned expression pinched her face.

"Maybe," Angel said. "It wasn't your problem, Buffy."

"Are we so far apart now, Angel that I'm not friend enough to help you?"

He couldn't look at her and see the pain in her young face. "I can only say I'm sorry so many times, Buffy. I just wasn't thinking straight. I had a good idea who had my son and I knew what they were capable of. All I was thinking of was getting Connor back. I did some stupid things, not contacting you was one of them." Angel sighed. "I wish I knew what all they did to him so maybe we could help him more."

"He won't say?" Her voice was gentle as she put a hand on his arm.

Angel glanced down at her, a world of pain and frustration hiding in his dark eyes. "I don't think he can, Buffy. You have no idea what they were doing to him. They had him caged in what Faith said looked like an Imax theatre. They were showing movies on the walls and ceiling of me killing people that never existed, of Lorne whom Connor disliked intensely. There were pornos with Holtz's face put on the men's bodies. Lindsey said it ran twenty-four hours a day, most likely ever since Connor was captured. Over three months of watching his fathers at their worst."

"The poor kid," Buffy whispered. Her gaze floated over her shoulder at the mansion as if to send support winging back to the boy on the night air.

"And there was physical torture. We found him naked and filthy in that cell, bruised and obviously whipped. They were fighting him like a gladiator." Angel's voice had gone flat as he tried to put distance between him and the horror.

Buffy squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry, Angel."

"Thank you."

"How..." She paused, sniffing the night air. It seemed clean except for the touch of cologne Angel always seemed to wear. Spike often wore some, too. She wondered if maybe they smelled less than human or dead or something under it. "How did this happen, Angel?"

"The kidnapping?"

She dragged a hand through her hair before answering. "You having a son at all."

Angel looked at the tree line, trying to avoid the heat of her gaze. "It's a long story. His mother is Darla. I'm not sure I told you that."

Buffy put a hand on his chest, stopping him. "Wait a minute. Darla? I thought you killed her to save me years ago."

"Wolfram and Hart brought her back to life. Lindsey did it and nearly cost us Cordy in the process. Darla was entirely human. They wanted me to turn her. They needed me to be Angelus. It almost worked. Dru turned her and in the midst of all this trying to drag me down again, she and I€" Angel trailed off, shoving his hands in his pockets. He started walking again, taking a turn that would angle them into the warehouse district.

"I get the picture." Buffy's voice cracked like a whip. "So you were trying to lose your soul, Angel."

He looked into her eyes, dim in the nearly moonless night. "I felt like I was dying inside. Like all the good I was trying to do
wasn't amounting to anything."

"So why bother." Buffy's eyes narrowed.

Angel looked away and she punched his shoulder so hard he was nearly rocked back off his feet.

"We've had this talk, Angel, when the First had you enthralled," Buffy said. "It's always going to be hard but you can't give up, not ever. Do I have to keep kicking you around so you don't forget that?" That last was gentler, her eyes pained.

Angel favored her with a wry smile. "I guess. But I learned that sex wouldn't always make me happy as a result of that. Darla didn't bring me any joy."

"That doesn't change what you tried to do." She crossed her arms almost as an attempt to make sure they stayed to herself. Her anger made the words seem brittle and sharp.

"You don't have to remind me, Buffy. I have a living reminder of what I tried to do. Every time I look at my son, I'm going to remember I tried to become a monster." Angel's voice was heavy with regret and guilt. He watched her expression. Was she thinking the same as he was? Sex alone wasn't enough to make him lose his soul. Would he be capable of sex if the worry of losing his soul was enough to keep him from being truly happy? Or would he always be risking the return of his demon?

"But you really love him, don't you?" Buffy shook her head. "That was stupid. Of course you do. What I meant is, how did you not lose your soul when Connor was born?"

Angel walked a little faster. "I'm not sure. I can only guess that my worry over Holtz killing my child or Wolfram and Hart taking him kept me from being perfectly happy. I was terrified to be honest."

"Who's Holtz?"

Angel explained what he had done to Holtz's family, how Holtz had come through to this century and how he had taken Connor.

"Hell? He was raised in Hell?" Buffy breathed. "Poor Connor."

"It's left its mark on him. He was just starting to socialize, humanize when Wolfram and Hart kidnapped him. I don't know what this is going to do to him. As if Cordelia wasn't bad enough."

"Cordelia? What does she have to do with it? It this what you didn't want to talk about when you and your people came to help us with the First?"

Angel nodded. "She and Connor were lovers." He held up a hand to cut Buffy off. "Just go with it. It was because of the demon in her."

"The what?" Buffy felt blindsided. How could they have gotten this far apart?

Angel explained to Buffy what Cordelia had done to help him, about how the demon half slowly took control of her, what she had done to Connor, the demon baby she had and how she had mind controlled Connor to help her murder a girl in order for the birth to happen and how the Powers That Be finally stripped away the demon aspect and her visions.

"Finally we started to heal after it was all over and done, after we left Sunnydale. Cordy - I guess she thought she was being a friend to Connor by staying with us for a little while longer, letting him down gently. She barely remembered being in love with me once, or sleeping with Connor or committing murder. We didn't know what to do about any of it. Should she be punished when she wasn't in control? There was so much death in L.A. then that it wasn't looked into and we decided, whether it was our place or not, that neither Cordy or Connor were responsible for what they had done. The demon child enthralled all of L.A. at one point. I know Connor thought Cordy still loved him but in the end she got that movie part and went to New York City."

"Connor was devastated." Buffy stopped, glancing around at the empty warehouses as if she had heard something. Or maybe it was surprise they had gone so far. Had she ever heard Angel talk for so long?

"In a word, yes. Then Wolfram and Hart got him and that pretty much is everything, Buffy," Angel said wearily then froze.

"Well lookee here," someone said, stepping out of the shadows. "Fresh meat, boys and girls."

They looked like a rag tag group of teen runaways. Buffy and Angel just exchanged glances as the youthful vampires surrounded them.

"You really don't want to do this," Buffy said.

The leader just smiled. "We'll play with you for a while first. You look...tasty." He licked his lips, leering as he went to game face.

"Whatever." Buffy dusted one before they could even move. She nudged Angel to encourage him to continue his tale. The danger before them was barely a threat so no sense in interrupting their conversation. "And that can't be everything, Angel."

"I haven't had time to even get to know my son. By the time Wesley fished me out of the ocean the Apocalypse started and once we averted it, Connor got kidnapped." Angel took out his anger on the nearest vampire, nearly tearing its head off.

"What were you doing in the ocean?" Buffy used the shoulders of one vampire as leverage to kick into a tall, shave-headed one. Once he was on the ground she staked him and the one she used as a vault horse.

Angel polished off the last one and they both dusted themselves off. Angel scowled and enlightened her as to what Connor had done. If they kept talking much longer it would be dawn. He knew that was an exaggeration but it felt like the truth. By the time he was done they had left the warehouses and were in seedy barville.

"Angel, you're telling me he tried to murder you," she said, opening the door to Willie's. Demons scurried like roaches. Willie yelled at her for ruining his business. It didn't even make a blip in their conversation.

"He was raised to do that. It was his only purpose. He was such a good fighter, Buffy, that the worst demons in the worst dark dimension called him the 'Destroyer'," Angel said as Willie moved to the end of the bar.

"Angel, is that you? When did you get back in town? I would have thought L.A. was big enough to keep you busy," Willie babbled nervously.

"Just tell us what you know about the things currently messing with the hellmouth, Willie," Buffy said as Angel glowered at the barkeep.

"Like I keep telling you, Slayer, I don't know nothing. If I hear anything€"

"I'll be the last to know," Buffy finished for him.

"Willie just grinned. "Nice to see you, Angel. Like old times."

Angel snorted and headed for the door.

"Tell me more about Connor," Buffy said softly, regretting not kicking Willie around more but she had done that twice already this week without results.

"There are prophecies that suggest he could be here to save this world or he's here to end it. I need to know my child, Buffy, so I can guide him to become the good man I know he's capable of being. Growing up in hell took its toll but not completely. He's capable of love. He loved Cordelia and she told me how hard he resisted her demon aspect when she tried to get him to kill Angelus and that innocent girl. She remembered that much, how he fought her."

Buffy could see how he clung to that hope. In the garish light of Willie's bar Angel's face practically shone with optimism and love for his child.

"He no longer wants me dead. He's starting to care for me in spite of himself. And I have to learn to give up being jealous of Holtz's time with Connor because it drives a wedge between us when I don't want to hear about the things he and Holtz did."

"Connor has to understand that it's hard for you thinking about how much you missed, that you didn't get to see him do any of the things a parent treasures," Buffy said, putting a protective arm around Angel's waist as they exited the bar.

"Connor's not at that stage yet, Buffy. That takes a level of maturity he hasn't grown into. In some ways he's a typical teen and most teens butt heads with their parents," Angel replied ruefully, cupping his hand over the one she had on his hip.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Or their older sisters."

Angel laughed. "I don't doubt he butted heads with Holtz, too. Connor is incredibly stubborn."

"Wonder where he gets that?" Buffy smiled up at him.

He tapped her chin. "I'm ignoring that. Case in point, he came here to kill me without the man he considered to be his father. He planned on going back to Quor-Toth once I was dead. I'm betting Holtz didn't know Connor was going to do it."

"Why wouldn't he bring Holtz?" Buffy's nose wrinkled. "Why would he want to go back to hell?"

"It was the only home he's ever known, Buffy. He had to be terrified coming here. Within a day he was being hunted by a drug dealer and the police, don't ask. But the last time I heard him talking about punishing someone it was that drug dealer and he meant to kill him. Connor didn't want to kill an innocent but I doubt he'd even hesitate to kill someone he thought was guilty. That's what he was raised to do," Angel said.

"You think Connor would kill Lilah? She's human," Buffy said uncomfortably as she angled down a path that would take them back to the wooded areas. She didn't' want any more interruptions.

"Who tortured him. He'll kill her. I don't have a doubt of it. Which is why he can't find her first. That's why I don't want him left alone. If he goes off, it'll take you, me or Faith to stop him."

"Or Spike."

"No, he'd kill Spike. Spike's only ever been able to take me in a fight once or twice and believe me, we used to scrap all the time. Connor almost beat me twice. He only failed the first time we fought because Gunn and Groo were helping me, three against one and it took all we had to pin him. The second time he won and I ended up in the ocean for months. Usually I'd say killing Spike is a good thing but something's changed. Because if Spike lived through the First's controlling him I figure there had to be a good reason. Care to tell me about it, Buffy?" Angel's dark eyes turned to stone.

Buffy looked away. "Can I say one thing first? Connor frightens me, Angel."

"Good." That one word hit with the power of a hellgod.

Buffy stopped, dragging him to a halt. That wasn't the answer she was expecting. "What?"

"Connor can be dangerous, Buffy. I want you to be prepared in case the worst happens. I don't want you to ever be so complacent with him that you forget he is a killer." The despondency in his voice broke both their hearts. "He might never raise his hand to another human again but he'll always be a predator."

"Okay," she said slowly, wondering what Angel might be prepared to do if his son crossed the line again.

"And I know what Spike did for you and Dawn when you were fighting Glory. You told me about that and his chip when you..."
Angel paused wondering if he shouldn't just stop this now. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there, Buffy."

She leaned against him for a moment. "You were trying to save Cordelia. You weren't even on Earth when it happened. It's not your fault, Angel." She took a step away, thinking about what she was going to say. Angel had been brutally honest with her. She owed him the same. "Spike was the only one I could tell that I had been yanked out of heaven. No one else would have understood. He knew what it was like to claw your way out of your own grave. I started telling him the things I couldn't tell the others because he was the only one who could understand that sort of darkness. It's not like I could have called you... the phone, the distance, it wouldn't have been the same." She wrapped her arms around herself, rubbing her arms as if cold.

"I understand," Angel said, regretting having put her in the position in the first place.

"It forged a bond between us. I wasn't looking for it. I didn't want it. I was uncomfortable with Spike. I knew he thought he loved me. He was willing to kill Dru to prove it."

Angel stared. "Buffy, if he was willing to hurt Dru..."

"I know." Buffy plunged ahead and told Angel the rest of the sordid story. Hearing it laid out, she felt dirty. She hated feeling like that. It wasn't that she had slept with Spike that made her feel that way. She had to admit she had feelings of some kind for him. It was how she had treated Spike that made her feel like slime. She had been so ugly and cruel. She still wasn't convinced that part of her hadn't remained dead. She thought Angel was going to go wild when she told him how Spike tried to rape her and as she tried to justify why she hadn't killed him then or anytime there after despite the things he did, all signs of life left Angel. For once he actually looked like nothing more than an animated corpse.

"He got the soul to make you love him." Angel sounded numb.

That hurt more than Buffy wanted it to. "It didn't work but there is something between us, not love, not friendship in the normal sense but the bond is deep."

"Deep enough for you to shield him from being killed when he started hunting even with his soul." Angel couldn't help his accusatory tone.

Buffy shook her head. "That wasn't him. That was the First."

"You couldn't have known that, Buffy, not at first."

"He offered to be chained up. He didn't want to kill," she replied hotly then sighed. "You're mad at me."

"No," he said quietly. "I don't have the right to be angry with you. It's your life, Buffy to live however you want. Do I think Spike is a bad choice? Yes and I expect that you think Cordelia was a bad choice for me."

"Not Cordelia exactly but the fact that you would even think to love someone else. That's why you left here, Angel. You couldn't love anyone without risking your soul so that you would even try again makes no sense," Buffy said. Her face seemed too old, too drawn. Angel knew that he had done this to her, at least in part. Spike had played a role, too. They all had.

"It doesn't make sense to me either. But it's over." Angel glanced up at the moon. "A lot of things have changed for better or worse."

"Why is it always the worst?" she asked.

"I don't know."

"Angel, about Spike."

He held up a hand. "If you're worried about me fighting with him, don't. It won't happen. Don't think part of me doesn't want to crush his skull and spread his dust on the wind for trying to rape you but you've seemed to have made some sort of peace with that. I would have thought that impossible for any woman who has gone through that but you have and that has to be good enough for me."

"Thank you." She leaned her forehead against his shoulder. "I'm just so tired of fighting."

"I understand. You've got big enough life changes coming up as it is," Angel said, stroking her hair.

"What do you mean?"

"Dawn graduating and moving to Chicago. She called me to invite me to the party afterwards. I never did answer her." Angel sighed. "I feel bad about that."

"I'm going to miss her but I'm glad she's getting away from this. She deserves a normal life."

"I know. That's why I didn't even ask Cordelia to stay for Connor's sake. I wanted her to be happy. I want that for everyone even if I know it's not going to happen. I especially want it for my son but like a Slayer, I'm fairly sure he's not destined for an easy life."

"Do you think it would help Connor if Dawn talked to him? They're about the same age."

"Normally I'd love for him to actually have someone his age to talk to but right now he doesn't want to be around women. I
don't think he'd hurt Dawn but until he's more comfortable maybe we shouldn't stress him too much. He might go to her on his own. He seems to like Faith's company."

Buffy snorted. "I just bet."

"Yes, well, there is some of that in it too, according to Faith. She thinks he had a crush on her when she came to help put Angelus back in his cage."

"And she would know." Buffy waved a hand. "I know that's catty. We couldn't have beat the First without her."

"And she went back to jail willingly afterwards. She's changed Buffy. She could really use you to believe in her and I know how much that's asking."

"She tried to kill you, Angel and she tortured Wes and if you two can forgive her, I can certainly try to do the same." She took a look at the moon's position in the sky. "Maybe we should head back."

Angel just turned around and started walking.

"Where do we go from here, Angel?"

"I wish I knew. Nothing's changed Buffy, not in my feelings for you or the fact that I could still lose my soul." Dare he tell her he had cried out her name when his soul had been stripped away? He was in bed with Cordelia in that fantasy but he had been thinking of her. No, that would just be unfair to share that burden.

"Then we're right back to life's a bitch and we get screwed again," she said. "I don't even know why Spike is still hanging around. He knows that it's well and truly over between us, that I even started seeing other people even if it didn't work out."

"I stayed for a year after I knew it could never happen. He may eventually come to realize that it's hopeless," Angel said, thinking that Spike had always been a romantic when he himself had never been. Spike might not give up hope so easily.

"I know it's selfish but I hope you're right. I hate hurting him...you, my friends and every time I turn around, it seems that's all I do." She stumbled a bit on some uneven roadway as her eyes filled with unshed tears.

"Don't think that way Buffy. It's not fair to yourself."

She laughed bitterly. "I'll just do what I usually do, lose myself in the newest disaster I'm supposed to avert."

They fell silent for the rest of the walk back to the mansion. A light still burned in the windows. Buffy followed Angel inside. Wesley was sitting in a chair, relaxed and reading. Connor snored softly on the couch. Wes peered up at them over the book.

"He fell asleep there. I thought it best just to leave him. He's been almost peaceful. He had one dream that I was afraid I would have to wake him from but he stopped crying," Wesley whispered.

Angel reached down and curled the long ends of Connor's hair around a finger. "Go get some rest, Wes. I'll sit up with him until dawn."

Wes nodded and headed off. Buffy put a hand on Angel's arm.

"He doesn't look dangerous, does he?" She smiled over at father and son.

Angel shook his head, letting the soft lock of hair slide through his fingers. "He looks like a little girl. When he's feeling better, I'll see if I can talk him into cutting his hair."

Buffy smothered a laugh. "And if that's not the most Dad thing in the world to say I don't know what is. I'd better go. I didn't get much patrolling done."

Angel nodded. "Be careful."

"I always am."

Their gazes locked. Neither of them could move. Finally Buffy tore herself away and headed out the door, taking a piece of him with her.

 

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