Ceremony Of InnocenceBy DM Evans
Chapter: 15
As she lay on her bed, Faith cradled a cup of hot chocolate, with an extra something in it that she couldn't identify but damned if it didn't taste good. Buffy had given it to her, making Faith think something was up. Buffy wasn't always particularly nice to her. Did they some how know what happened to her? Maybe Connor had told Angel what Lilah had made him do in a jar. Angel might figure out what Lilah wanted with Connor's jizz. Possibly Lindsey knew; after all he had worked for the firm.
Faith wasn't sure what hurt more, that Angel might know or that Buffy might. The whole thing with Angel was a terrible mess but at least he believed in her. She knew Buffy still saw her as a screw-up and even though this was in no way her fault, if she hadn't gone out partying, it would never have happened.
A knock sounded on the bedroom door. She was tempted to pretend she wasn't there but they all knew she was. "Come in."
Angel entered, shutting the door firmly behind him. He smiled gently at her. Faith knew it was meant to be reassuring but it only made her feel more self-conscious. And where had Angel learned to smile? Doofuses are us? It looked bad on him. She preferred that little smirk of his. "How are you doing?"
"'Kay," she muttered when what she really wanted to say was, 'all fucked up, thanks.' "Glad to be out of there. Did Buffy really find a dragon guarding the mines?" Faith wasn't sure why she asked, other than Angel had a 'we need to talk' look on his face and she wasn't ready for it.
Angel shrugged, leaning on the wall safely in the shadows. Faith glanced at the window so she didn't have to look at him. Damn, Buffy had some frilly curtains on the wall, or was this Willow's doing? Either way, the room was a bit sunny for Angel.
"Anya thinks so. They're doing the research now."
"A dragon...B's such a show off." Faith summoned up a grin.
Angel chuckled then a serious expression settled on his face. "I wanted to talk to you about something, Faith, about what happened while Lilah had you."
Faith glanced away, setting her cup of chocolate down. "Can you sit or something? I know you're gonna start pacing and I can't talk if I'm wondering when you're gonna forget it's daylight out." What she really meant was, she needed to keep distance between her and him. Angel looked at her curiously then sat against the wall. Satisfied, she said, "They drugged me at the Bronze. I woke up in that warehouse. Lilah taunted me with Wolfram and Hart's big plans for me. Big vague plans."
Faith shrugged as nonchalantly as she could, stressing the word 'vague' hoping to ward off Angel. "I guess she was too smart to give me any details just in case I escaped. Then I kicked my way through the floor and you know the rest."
Angel's face went grave. He shifted uncomfortably against the wall. "And you don't remember anything else?" When she shook her head, he continued, "That makes sense I guess. They'd want you sedated and under control for the procedure. Faith, I don't even begin to know how to tell you this."
"I already don't like the sound of this," Faith said, trying to ignore the voice screaming, 'Your secret's out.'
"We think they might have...done something to you," Angel said, obviously struggling with it.
"You know," Faith said, flatly.
Angel's eyes widened just slightly, realizing she had planned on concealing it. "We know that Wolfram and Hart are trying to use my son as a stud to create their own brood of preternatural creatures."
Faith lurched off the bed. "So I guess I can imagine what you must think of me for not telling you." She turned to face the wall, purposely standing in the sunlight. She was safe there.
"I'm thinking how terribly frightening it has to be for you, being helpless, violated in the worst possible way and not only get impregnated but to a boy you know. You have to face him...me. I can't imagine how terrifying this has to be." Angel flowed to his feet, hands stuffed in his pockets, to be as non-threatening as he could be.
Faith turned, facing him. Her lips quivered. She started shaking, taking a few stumbling steps towards the shadow and him. Angel held out his arms and she fell into them. He folded her against him, holding her tight, feeling her tears hot, trickling down his chest. Angel just did his best to comfort her and let her cry herself out.
Finally, Faith pulled away, sniffling. Her nose was reddened, her eyes swollen. "Sorry."
He ran a hand up her arm. "There's nothing to apologize for, Faith."
"I just... it's humiliating," she mumbled, wiping her face.
"That's part of the power of rape, Faith," Angel said, but he knew she already was well acquainted with that. He felt it and it explained a lot about her. She wasn't just dealing with what Lilah's doctors had done but with demons from her past. "I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, but do you know...." Angel trailed off, holding up his hands as if to stop himself from asking what her plans were.
"I can't do this, Angel," Faith said quickly. "I just can't."
"It's okay, Faith," he said, there to catch her as she started to ball up again.
"No, it's not," she said, pressing her cheek against his chest. "You have to hate me. I'm planning on killing your grandchild."
Angel tightened his grip on her. "Faith, I don't hate you. You're in a place no one ever should be in. I can't tell you what to do. I wouldn't blame you if you had an abortion. This wasn't something you wanted. What they did...."
She growled, balling her fist in his shirt. "It was just wrong."
"I know and I'll do anything I can to help you, no matter what you do, have an abortion or not." Angel smoothed her hair again.
"I don't know how to handle this." Faith hugged him hard. "Does everyone know what happened to me?"
His brown eyes softened. "I'm afraid so."
"Even Connor?" she asked, dread in her dark eyes.
Angel nodded and Faith pulled away from him violently, retreating into the sunlight. "Fuck it! Angel, how am I supposed to handle him? What if he wants me to keep it?"
"I can't tell you what to do, Faith. Connor's a teenaged boy. I doubt he even understands artificial insemination and may never even heard the word abortion. I know family is important to him, too important. He's made it into some ideal that he's never going to have. He went to great lengths to protect his and Cordelia's baby until Jasmine was born." He took a few steps toward her, stopping at the bright boundary of light. "I can talk to him for you."
"He killed her, didn't he?" Faith felt sad for both Angel and Connor, more so than herself at that moment.
"There wasn't a choice. She was eating hundred of people,” Angel said, pain reverberating in his voice, his face darkening. "It nearly destroyed him to do it."
"This won't be easy for him." Faith dragged her fingers through her hair, tearing at the tangles. " He's so damn messed up and now I'm going to lay something more on those little shoulders. He might break."
"Connor's stronger than he knows. While you were gone, he started acting a little more like himself, for better or worse." Angel gave her an encouraging look.
Faith's brow wrinkled. "How can it be worse?"
Angel smiled gently. "You don't know my son well, Faith. Clingy Connor was very unnerving. Normal Connor can be like vinegar in a wound, at least for me."
"Angel!"
"I love him, Faith, but when he gets that mouth running you just want to boot him in the ass." Angel's lips twisted with a sudden surge of mirth.
Faith choked on a bubble of laughter.
"What?" Angel shrugged. "It's true."
"I'm sure it is." Faith slung her hair back out of her eyes. "Don't most parents feel the same about their teenagers?"
Angel nodded. "Certainly my father did and his boot found my ass on more than one occasion."
"My mother never cared enough to boot mine, probably part of my problem." Faith's sadness escalated at that pronouncement. She flopped on the end of the bed, moving back to the shadows in case she needed Angel to stay close. "I wouldn't make any better of a mother."
Angel sat next to her, nearly getting his fingers in a spill of sunlight. Faith trembled, wanting to crush herself to him, let him make the choices, do the hard work, tell her if she should have an abortion or not, but she couldn't. Before he could say anything, someone knocked on the door.
Faith squirmed a little bit to put distance between her and Angel. "Come in," she said, wiping her wet cheeks.
Buffy entered, a contrite look on her face. Faith wasn't used to seeing that. It made her wonder if Buffy wanted something from her since Buffy never felt sorry for her. "I don't want to interrupt but Giles and Wes need to talk to you, Angel, about the dragon."
Angel looked at Faith and she nodded. "Go on, I'll be okay."
"What do they need me for?" he asked and Faith was glad he seemed reluctant to leave her.
Buffy shrugged. "Not sure. No one wanted to bug you, but Spike mentioned something about Prussia and fire and..."
"And I know what they want." Angel got up.
"Do you guys need me, too?" Faith asked.
Buffy shook her head. "You take whatever time you need, Faith. We got this. Want some more hot chocolate?" she asked and Faith read her face. It said, 'I want to help but I have no clue how.' It came as a total shock to Faith. She didn't expect help from Buffy. "It's got some butterscotch schnapps in it. Fred said it was the best."
"Gotta agree with the Stick on that." Faith managed a weak smile. "I'll be okay, B. I think I'm going to take a walk, clear my head. Don't worry, I won't leave the yard or do anything nuts."
Buffy smiled uneasily but nodded, heading back out of the room.
Angel cupped Faith's chin. "Anything you need from me, Faith, just ask. I'm here for you."
She gave him a full, honest smile. "I know, Angel and it means more than you know."
She watched him follow Buffy, doubts in her mind. 'I'll be there for you.' She knew that was true but did he also mean, please don't kill my grandchild? Maybe not. His last grandchild was a rampaging demon, goddess, whatever. She got up and headed outside.
---
Faith didn't know what she should do as she paced around the backyard. Her best bet would to be either go in and listen to the dragon talk or go through the yellow pages for family planning clinics. She wrinkled her nose. Maybe that would be better left for L.A. Growing up in Boston, Faith had a distrust of small town anything, especially hospitals.
She wanted to take her mind off the whole mommy-to-be thing but she also didn't want to endure all the sympathetic looks. She appreciated the concern on some level but it made her uncomfortable.
Hearing something rustling above her, she looked up into a Eucalyptus tree. Connor was stretched out on a limb, looking down at her. She was so not ready to talk to him but there was no choice now. "Any reason you're up a tree?"
"No one usually looks up. I can hide practically in plain sight. Tends to work well on demons." Connor shrugged, sitting up on the branch.
Faith put her hands behind her head, giving her neck a crack. "Doesn't answer why you're up there now and not at the research party inside."
"Too many people." Connor made a face. "And I don't read so well."
"I hear that." Faith wanted to sneak away before the conversation got deeper, more hard to handle. That's the coward's way.
You can handle anything, she told herself. "Can we talk?"
"Already are."
She grinned. "How about we talk without you up a tree?"
He rolled his eyes and jumped down. Faith knew immediately this was what Angel meant when he was talking about booting the kid in the ass. He had the put-upon teen down pat. She couldn't decide if that was healthy or not. Either way, she was about to make him a hell of lot more unwell. He folded up on the grass back to the trunk. He looked up at her expectantly.
She sat next to him. "You want to talk about what Lilah did," he said softly.
"Are you okay with that?" Faith asked.
He nodded slowly, looking less than enthusiastic. "I'm sorry she hurt you."
She smiled briefly. "Thanks. It's not your fault."
"Yes, it is," he whispered, his eyes canting away from hers.
Faith saw straight through his earlier bluster. His cocksure attitude during her rescue was a shield and now she saw behind it. He was fragile as glass. Should she stop now? She was stronger than he was, no matter what Angel thought. She reached out and took his calloused hand. What long fingers he has. Any other time Faith knew she'd be considering the potential in those fingers but now it was just something filed away for later, if ever. "Connor, they hurt you as much as they did me, much more so really. They tortured you for months and I don't even remember the procedure." She paused. "Do you know how I got pregnant?"
He shook his head. "I don't know how it works without...you know." His pale cheeks burned. "Without the two of us...."
"I know what you mean and I don't know exactly how the science works but it is science and it's usually used to help people who want children and can't. Trust Wolfram and Hart to twist something good." Faith shrugged, watching his eyes cloud.
"Is this baby a demon, too?" he asked, his tight voice cracking a little.
She smoothed the hair off his face wondering why she was suddenly so sympathetic. She had always been cut off from others until Angel's intervention. Maybe this was the fruit of his effort. "It's a little ball of cells at this point. It's not anything."
"But it could be." He sounded small and broken.
"Maybe but probably not. I'm all human. Cordy wasn't." Faith sucked in a deep breath. "Connor, do you know what abortion means?"
He made a face. "To end."
"Okay, because that's what I'm going to do next. Do you understand what I mean?" She stared hard at him, willing him to understand so she wouldn't have to explain.
He wrinkled his nose. "No."
"I can't keep this baby, Connor." Faith watched him fracture. He pulled away from her, his face darkening like storm clouds over the sun. He propelled himself to his feet, his whole body quivering. Ice settled into Faith's blood as she jumped up, unsure if he was going to hit her, run off or just collapse back down. Damn Lilah and Wolfram and Hart, no one deserved to suffer like this. She was going to take out her and Connor's pain on Lilah's face. "Connor," she said softly. "Angel told me what family means to you but this isn't the right way."
"I know," he replied, his voice uneven. "I don't want this."
"I don't want to hurt you, Connor," Faith said. "And I know I am."
"No one should be forced into this," he snapped. "Parents are supposed to love each other not like...this." He waved a hand furiously. "This is all wrong."
Faith took two steps towards him then froze as he let out an angry cry. He slammed his fist into the trunk of the tree rapid fire so many times she couldn't count. Bark flew. She went over and threw her arms around him. She pulled him against her, forgetting how skittish he had become. He didn't bolt or fight her. "I can't tell you this will be okay, Connor but this won't help."
"Made me feel better," he said defiantly, resting back in her arms.
Faith laid her cheek against his spine. "Maybe you have a point." She reached down and took his hand, examining his knuckles, bleeding from the ragged tears across their prominence. "But this is going to sting."
He shrugged, his bony back grating her face. "Not so bad." He turned in her arms. "Will it hurt you?"
Faith knew he meant the abortion. "I don't know," she replied and he caressed her cheek with a finger. She shivered at the display of tenderness. She wasn't used to that from men. "Probably not until afterwards once the drugs wear off."
"Hurts here." He tapped her breast bone.
"Yeah a lot," Faith admitted, surprising herself. She hated what happened to her. She thought she could have just ended the pregnancy without any cost. Maybe if Angel and Connor didn't know, she could have but now she could see the price they were paying and she was going to have to pay it, too.
"You kill this baby and the only one with my child is the one person I don't want to have it," he said bitterly, easing away from her.
Faith's brow beetled. "What are you taking about?"
"Lilah." Connor's lips skinned back off his teeth. "Lindsey said Wolfram and Hart made her do it, too."
Faith watched as his eyes sheened over. The river of emotion burst through what little dam he still had left. Tears cut meanders down his cheeks. She had no idea what to say to him. She was powerless to help and that made her angry and afraid. "I'm so sorry, Connor."
"It's not fair," he rasped, his voice raw. "Did Angel tell you what she did to me with that thing?"
Faith saw the agony in his face as he asked the question. She didn't want to know what he meant by it so she ignored it. "You and I are definitely king and queen of unfair lives. One of these days the Powers That Be will take their fucking feet off our necks."
"Until then I'll settle for making Lilah pay."
Faith saw the sneer, the cold fire in his blue eyes. She knew this had to be the look on her face as she tortured Wes; the look of someone prepared to kill. She knew she should try to chill him out or tell Angel his son was no way as stable as he thought. Of course, Connor had a right to his revenge. "I'll help you somehow."
"Made a promise to Angel...can't kill her," he said, seeming angry at himself for it.
"That's for the best," she said quickly. If she goaded Angel's son into killing someone, the vampire would hate her. "I think we'll survive this. You're a kid. I know you don't think so but it's true. You'll get that family you want someday and it'll be right." Faith stumbled over the words. She wasn't used to being comforting. She took his hand. Connor yanked away. "Sorry. I forgot you weren't too okay with touching. Can't say I blame you."
Connor shook his head. "I trust you, Faith."
"You what?” She rocked back on her heels. "Outside of your father and the Mayor, I'm not sure anyone has ever said that to me." She wrinkled her nose. Maybe some of the Potentials had when they were facing the First but Faith felt that had more to do with Kennedy and Rona's desire to displace Buffy than any real belief in her abilities.
"It's true," he assured her solemnly.
"Thanks." She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "You're not a bad kid, you know."
He blushed, looking at his big feet. "Not too many people think so."
"Them?" She nodded her head at the house. "They're protective of Angel. You just got caught in a bad place, trying to kill him. Some people have no idea what it's like to be raised by someone who hates deeply. Even if you don't want it, their prejudices stick to you, you know what I mean?"
He shrugged. "Guess so."
"One of the few guys I actually liked before I dropped out of school, his dad was like Archie Bunker...okay you wouldn't know who that is. Let's just say he hated everyone who wasn't a white Baptist. Everything wrong in the world was because of the Jews or the Blacks or the Catholics or the gays, you get what I'm saying? My friend grew up hearing all that hate and while he tried really hard not to be that way, it was so difficult for him. I know that's what it has to be like for you growing up with Holtz's hate. You can't help thinking like him. The others should know that, too."
"Hate's a vicious circle," Connor said. "My mother told me that."
Faith's eyes hit their widest. "Your..."
"I know she's dead." He shrugged again. "Sometimes she talks to me. We should probably go back in. Cordelia's leaving. I should say good bye."
"Leaving before the deal's done?" Faith's eyebrows arched. She wanted to talk more about his dead mother but that would make her as disturbed as he obviously was.
"She's making a movie in New York. They didn't even want her to leave. And...I think Dad kinda blames her for stuff." He ran a hand through his soft hair. "I don't think he wants her here just now."
"I'm sure he knows best," Faith said, dubiously.
Connor snorted. "Maybe but just for once I wish he'd ask me what I wanted or how I feel instead of assuming he knows what's best for me. He does it to everyone, makes their choices for them."
Faith smiled wryly. "I've noticed. He's a take charge kinda guy."
"Well, he's known me just over a year, what makes him think he knows me and what I need?" Connor grumbled.
"He's Angel."
"Not comforting."
Faith slapped his shoulder lightly. "Get inside."
He shot her a pleading look. "You coming, too?"
She couldn't say no to his big blue eyes even though she wasn't ready to see the others yet. Faith took his hand and this time he let her. She squeezed it once and let go. It wouldn't do to walk in holding hands like goofy kids. Everyone would get the wrong idea. As they went in and sat down against the wall, they caught the tail end of something Angel was saying.
"Burnt down a few thousand acres of Prussian forest. Only it didn't start out as a black cat. It was a black cockerel," Angel said.
"The books say that's another form of the Aitvaras," Wes said.
"The way southern California goes up like a torch from time to time, I'm thinking anything that breathes fire is a bad thing," Xander said, hands accenting his point.
"Well, we know a wooden lance is one of the traditional ways to kill a dragon regardless of its subspecies," Giles said, shoving up his glasses.
"How many times do Angel and I have to say, 'no bloody huge stakes'?" Spike asked, digging for his pack of cigarettes.
"I don't see a problem," Connor said and Xander waved at him with obvious agreement.
"Oh, look who just shows up full of ideas," Spike jeered, leveling his cold gaze at Connor.
"Spike, shut up before I let him pin the lance into the jackass," Angel said then glanced over at his son. "You okay? And you, Faith?"
"As good as can be expected," she replied and Connor nodded his head.
"So what do I do?" Buffy asked. "Since I don't see me making a lance or riding a horse into battle."
"I've done some of both actually," Angel said. "But a horse is likely to take one look at a dragon and dump the rider and bolt."
"So how did you kill it last time?" Gunn asked.
Angel raised an eyebrow. "This was the 1700's. I was with Darla and we were rooting for the dragon."
"Well, that's a huge help." Buffy gave him the evil eye. "Spike, why did you bring it up in the first place if Angel didn't fight it?" she asked, frustrated.
"Just because he didn't kill it doesn't mean he doesn't know how it fights." Spike arched his bleached eyebrows. "The way Darla went on about it, Peaches knows something. Like it wasn't pure luck he found a dragon to bugger, no offense, kid," Spike said, inclining his head to Connor.
"Doesn't shock me." Connor rolled his eyes.
"Don't listen to Spike," Angel said, wagging a finger at his son. "I've never buggered a dragon."
"That'll be the only thing you didn't bugger," Spike snorted.
"I never buggered you," Angel growled.
"As if you could," Spike snapped back.
"Stop now!" Buffy ordered. "The mental images are going to blind us."
"And you're scarring Connor for life," Faith added.
"Way too late," Connor said, with an exaggerated sigh.
"To make it up to you, I can tell you all sorts of dumb shit your dad's done over the years." Spike waggled his eyebrows.
"Over my dust pile you will," Angel said and Connor only grinned widely.
"Let's get back on topic here," Buffy said. "How am I stopping this thing?"
"Your best bet would be to kill it before it can shift into dragon form. It's damn nearly armor plated by those scales, not to mention it can fly and breathe fire," Angel said. "The eyes are always vulnerable."
"And hard to hit," Faith said and Angel nodded his agreement.
"I'm working on spells for deluges of rain...just in case things start going up," Willow said, nervously.
"I think I might have something," Lindsey said, holding a book overhead. "According to this thing, it's saying a consecrated candle can destroy it."
"You think?" Anya asked.
"Look, this book is in Latin and Lithuanian...I think. My Latin's rusty," Lindsey said, defensively.
"Let me see," Giles said and Lindsey relinquished the book. Giles scanned it quickly. "He's right."
"So what? I get a bunch of altar boys to go after it?" Buffy asked.
Giles' lips pulled into a tight, irritated line but he couldn't hold 'stern look' and smiled. "I'd suggest stocking up on blessed candles and a few other consecrated items."
"How about a Supersoaker full of holy water?" Lindsey asked.
Faith's eye lit up. "I like how this guy thinks. Where'd you come up with that?"
"I was this close to using it on Angel." Lindsey held his fingers up in a pinch. "But Wolfram and Hart wanted him alive and Angelus. So disappointing." He smirked and his brother gave him a horrified look.
"Here's your chance," Spike said, with an expansive wave in Angel's direction.
"No one's water pistoling Angel," Buffy said and Spike looked disappointed. "But that dragon is another thing entirely. Okay then, holy water by the gallon, candles, and the regular weapons. We should do this in teams. Me, Willow, and Giles in one, Angel, Wes, and Gunn in another and Spike, Anya and Xander in the last one. Dawn, Fred, Lindsey, Kevin, Faith and Connor, you stay here and keep up the research just in case."
"Wait a minute, you can't leave me and Connor out of this," Faith said. "We're stronger than anyone but you and the vamps."
"Yeah!" Connor leaned forward, looking ready to go after Buffy.
"I'm tired of getting left behind," Dawn said, scowling at her sister.
"This isn't open for negotiations," Buffy said. "Faith, given your condition, you shouldn't be out there."
"Like hell." Faith jumped to her feet and got in Buffy's face.
"Faith," Angel broke in, standing up and taking Faith's arm. She let him pull her back. "If we fail, we'll need someone with strength here as the second wave. That's where you and Connor come in. And just because you escaped Wolfram and Hart doesn't mean they're not after you. If Lilah gets wind we're all out on a mission, she could come here for you, for Connor, Kevin or Lindsey. You've all crossed them and they won't sit still for that. Imagine what they could do to us if they got Fred and her unborn child? Or Dawn, what they could do with an interdimensional key?" He went to Dawn, lightly touching her shoulder. "Someone has to make sure they're safe because no matter how good they can fight, it doesn't change the fact they only have human strength and resources."
"I hate this," Faith said, wishing she could disagree with that.
"Dad," Connor pleaded.
"Please don't argue," Angel said and the room descended into silence.
It was broken when Cordelia came down the steps with a small suitcase. She looked at them with big nervous eyes. "I hate to do this when you're in the middle of planning but...I have to go now if I want to catch my plane. Wes was going to drive me to the airport," she said, apologetically.
"Of course," Wes said, getting up.
"I wish I could stay. It's not right that I just go," Cordelia said.
"Cordy, you've gotten what most of us would kill for, a new life. Go. We can handle this," Buffy said and Faith decided that was very understanding of her all things considered.
Cordelia smiled softly. "Thanks." She looked over at Connor. "I wish..."
He stood and went over to her. "It's okay. I want you to go and be happy. Really I do."
He hugged her then quickly left the room.
Faith surprised herself by half-wanting to go with him. Can a tiny ball of cells clinging to your womb suddenly make you go motherly? She shrugged off the thought as Wes helped Cordelia out to the car. She looked over at Angel and Buffy. "I need something to pound on."
"And you'll get it," Buffy said. "Just not this dragon...unless things go very wrong."
Faith just sighed and nodded. She went back to her room. She knew she'd get nowhere arguing with Buffy and she didn't have the strength for it. Later, she'd tell Angel about her talk with Connor. Until then, she had nothing else to do but lie on her bed, her mind racing and not a single good thought in the running.